i'd be asleep now, but...

a dog needs walking and, whatever... developed a profound frontal lobe headache this afternoon at work from (most likely) caffeine withdrawal (had lots from thursday through yesterday, at least i think i had some yesterday, though maybe i stopped yesterday... the brain still hurts when i think... or blink... or am awake) and eating lighter today and increased, though insufficient sleep (waking during a third REM cycle is often not a good thing, but i went to sleep early last night and had to wake for work this morning) and lack of exercise and other body imbalances and some stress (mostly, constant responsibility for others can do that as i have no off switch in my head, which is an old song never heard before, though often sung, in case you wondered) and some other stuff and polly wally doodle all day and as i said a few moments ago in a partial sentence fragment that seems like it might have been some long lost time forever before this moment, or something like that, whatever and so went into bed right after i got home and walked and fed the kids and would be asleep now except happiness would not let me go back to sleep after i woke to pee cuz he was wimpering and panting cuz he needed to go out cuz he stresses when jackson doesn't come home and jackson is staying at sanford's tonight (she probably told me last night but i was so brain-dead tired i was not registering all the dates she was telling me she would be staying at sanford) and he pulled his usual stunt of not going poo again because he just wanted to stay outside and look for jackson's car like he did earlier and now he is still panting (he does this when she is away) and i am not sure when the last time he pooed was and so here i am trying not to feel my frontal lobe (which is much much better than it was before but...

what was i saying?...

this (constant car of others and being me in a space with animals) was so much easier when i was not working and didn't have to sleep at night and wake up in the mornings... now happiness is laying directly in the path jackson would take walking through the front door, right outside my bedroom, the only entryway into the bedrooms area... still panting out the stress... he does that so he will wake if she walks through the door - or if i move... i wish he would just fall asleep cuz his stressful panting is stressful for me too... the tapping on the keyboard helps them both rest partly cuz it distracts my energy so they don't come looking for the connection they feel when i am not distracted... it's an energy field communication thing... sometimes called empathy... connects everything in the universe... but it's not a words thing... words just help distract me and active fingers help create the space between so they can fall asleep... but for me, alas, putting on clothes and walking in the night air woke me up anyway... hopefully the head aching continues going away and does not return... i did not eat dinner and eating now would not help this body lose a pound or two... especially not the comfort food the brain might likely find if it takes the body into the kitchen... dang habits and patterns, the animals do not want me to change mine... sleeping through the night would have been good tonight... grumbling here helps distract me from the empathy that both happiness and curious feel that keeps us all awake... humans don't understand some things...

it would be so much better for the animals if sanford would come here... me too probably... but she has animals and a teenager... this is why i don't want pets, animals dependent on me full time, but i've mentioned that before, haven't i... these are the nights i ponder how different my life would be if i lived alone and had the $30K i spent on jackson and sanford over the last few years... buying a new car and lots of things would be so much easier... but i'd be missing the family feeling and probably would have just adopted somebody else by now... adopting people in need is my way in this world... wishing i had a partner who did it with me is always my way... wishing and adopting... and grumbling when i don't get enough sleep...

i don't like entries like these... too much whining...

i used to wonder why i can't be insensitive and not feel the stress and such in the animals (and children) around me like everybody else?... it used to be that i felt so much more though... the planet and the ecosytem used to cry out to me every night when i was a younger child... that is one reason i am nocturnal... or maybe i noticed because i am, chicken or egg, perhaps... empathy is such a two edged sword in this world... grump... the brain is looking for more distraction now... happiness is almost asleep thenks to no attention and the taping of the keys... food will likely wake him... stepping over him to go into my bed will likely wake him... will the brain sleep on the couch tonight?... the brain is looking for more distraction... sometimes i wish i did not have a tv... maybe i will turn it on...

they are both almost asleep now... wish i was...

narf...