the two sides of giving

and i am an exhausted kid tonight... didn't sleep well last night cuz i found curious rubbing against my hand or stepping over my head regularly after i fell asleep on the couch and she followed me into bed... hopefully she won't do the same tonight... i could shut her out of my room, but i am trying to make her comfortable... she is an attention hog, a lover of scratching and petting, and she has made sure i know it... she also is adaptable and uses the top of the side of the laptop screen holder (what do you call the top of the laptop, anyway?) to rub her face and jaw when i have both hands on the keyboard... she has walked across my lap but she presses against my aomen and avoids the keyboard... either she's been trained well or she'd rather have the physical contact than just be annoying for attention... she sits next to me and waits when my hands are busy... so she a good kitty... jackson says she is a calico tabby mix, in case you were wondering...

my dear jackson is stretching herself way too thin again now that she is trying to be back with sanford (and sanford ended it a few times already, but jackson does not want to see or accept it and sanford is apparently giving into emotion once again) and she is so exhausted more of the time which does not bode well for her on many levels as she has a habit of neglecting her work and other things for the relationship and that has gotten her in trouble in the past but she doesn't want to see that the extra time and expenses drain from her other responsibilities and for me, that does not bode well for her starting to kick in some money for living expenses so she did take me right to the limit even though she said she wouldn't (alas, she's such a beautiful person inside {and outside} in so many ways, but she has grown accustomed to taking advantage of me and i don't know if that is hurting her independent development of self-discipline and responsibility... i know it is because i let her as i've let many others before, but it still sucks to drain savings down as far as i have this year... i wonder if she remembers that i told her last year that the worst case scenario was that i cover all expenses until 2014 because it would drain savings to red line levels and i really did not want to do that, but she's found other places to spend her money and has given me next to nothing all year and i suppose i just wanted to vent or lament a bit tonight... ironically sanford has made it clear that she will not support her, yet sanford does not seem to stop her from spending rent money on other things either... i know i enable her by not demanding her share of living expenses, but it is a trap i built and stepped into myself and i am not seeing a safe way out... it's like she's moved back in with her parent and enjoys the free room and board of a teenage that parent is me... has my desire to be loved and needed and have a family and child gotten me here once again?... probably... probably?... oh, i love it on every level except financially... just hope i can save up enough money to survive off the streets when i can no longer maintain this sort of income)...

ah, so life is as it is and i am so tired i am pondering thoughts out loud that i might not usually ponder cuz i like to focus on the positive and not on the weaknesses or foibles i and those i choose to love might have... meanwhile, work is wonderful... challenging, but wonderful... so far i am feeling very comfortable and respected and hopefully it is real this time (people can be so phony, especially in the working world, after all... oh, how jaded that might seem... or have i become?... ah, but i still live the idealistic dream of giving everything i can, of loving and trusting as unconditionally as i can, and even if it is never balanced, it is the actions of a dreamer, even if i am the only one)...

huh?... well, i must be asleep now cuz i am dreaming...

narf :)