more time needed

if only time could be purchased or bartered for, if only if only if only... not enough rest, but much more not enough me time and not enough friend time and not enough love time and not enough intimacy time and not enough play time and not enough writing time and not enough music time and not enough singing time and not enough art time and not enough exercise time and not enough detailed body care time and not enough house time and not enough car care time and not enough gardening time and not enough nature time and not enough meditation time and not enough stretching time and not enough shower time and not enough... time to list all the things there are not enough time to do and nurture and experience and enjoy and share...

hi-ho...

has it been that long?

while i enjoy myself all by myself rambling along here in this blog and many others as another calendar year comes to an end, i pause to reflect, quite accidently cuz the mouse fell and click on the link that inspired this entry and asked the title question, on the past year, the past years, and maybe even past lives (or maybe just this life time, though i don't know if we have time for that and that is certainly not something that is suited to brevity which is still the ultimate goal of this blog but getting back to the title question... well, apparently it has... yet somehow thousands of entries appears right here in spite of that consideration more than almost thirty months ago and instead of moving on, i simply expanded here in the blog world... offline i did make a new start though it took fifteen months to get there (and i blew the opportunity to really make a new start for this life as i had the time to focus a whole lot of energy on myself and this body and i let distractions and laziness and stress get in the way, dummy, but perhaps the new life starts here, as the waterboys sing and there is a blast from the past)...

all the waiting time

sometimes it starts with the title
an idea comes out of the blue
the memories of a dream long gone
suddenly starts coming through

it always starts with a moment
as if we did not have a clue
it hits the mind like a ton of bricks
and now i am thinking of you

the memory can't be avoided
no matter how long it's been
no matter how long forgotten
it's always ready to begin

as if we can live in a moment
that lasts an eternity
that is the power of true love
that's what you gave to me

you gave ne the most precious passion
unconditional trust and more
unconditional love actualized
a heart with no wall or door

and ever since you i've been waiting
for someone who can give it all
all the waiting time
writing rhyme after rhyme
wishing somebody would fall
the way you could fall
giving it all

all the waiting time
waiting for someone to fall
the way we fell
giving it all

all the waiting time
waiting and singing this song
waiting for love to feel so right
it can never be wrong

and this song is wandering now
through gardens of memories
melodies change with the seasons
some become fantasies

there have been other lovers
that came right out of the blue
but no one has ever compared
to what i shared with you

and ever since you i've been waiting
for someone who can give it all
all the waiting time
writing rhyme after rhyme
wishing somebody would fall
the way you could fall
giving it all

all the waiting time
waiting and singing this song
waiting for love to feel so right
it can never be wrong

all the waiting time
waiting for someone to fall
all the waiting time
writing rhyme after rhyme
wishing somebody would fall
the way you could fall
giving it all

this song will only end
when i feel it again
if you understand, be a friend
help me sing it again
and again and again

all the waiting time
waiting and singing this song
waiting for love to feel so right
it can never be wrong

all the waiting time
waiting for the final fall
unconditional trust
unconditional love
giving it all

all the waiting time
waiting for the right one
and when the right one arrives
the waiting is done

all the waiting time
waiting and singing this song
waiting for love to feel so right
it can never be wrong

all the waiting time
waiting for the final fall
unconditional trust
unconditional love
giving it all

all the waiting time
waiting for the right one
and when the right one arrives
the waiting is done

ok, that was revealing... the first cut is the deepest, no doubt.. and repetitive... truth doesn't change when it's the truth, ya know?... yeah, rambling rhymes, babbling on, it has been a while... so who's feeling naked, vulnerable, real, now... well, that's enough reflection for one night... or at least for one entry...

i have been away (worklife)

not out of town, just caught up in the hyper-busy work that multiple investigations creates... my job is primarily twofold... daily performance improvement monitoring, data collection, processing, and analysis that becomes weekly, monthly, quarterly, and annual reports... and daily incident and seclusion/restraint reviews to ensure policies are being followed to reduce risk as much as possible... there is not enough time for one person to do it all without working at it more than eight hours a day at least five days a week and that means no days off... each monday there is three days to caught up on... a holiday, a vacation day, a sick day, creates more days to catch up on and there is no one else to do my job when i am not there...

and then there are the things that go wrong that need investigating, extra time and energy to interview, to review video, to meet with external investigators and regulatory agency surveyors to find out what went wrong, if anything we did was wrong, then take action to correct it and ensure it does not happen again... a single investigation can take two days or more, easily, two days or more in which none of the regular work can be done, so two or more days that have to be made up with extra hours... the past two weeks i had seven investigations to juggle and somehow get done along with the daily work... and two of the past three weekends i also was on call, so had extra work on four out of six of the past saturdays and sundays...

and as if that is not enough, a fourth aspect of my job takes even more time... whatever a surveyor arrives, it is my responsibility to provide them with everything they need and that usually means giving them the majority of my time on days they are there and then the majority of the day after they leave producing a report on their findings and an action plan to fix anything they found wrong... since march 1st i've had three full days of surveyors in two separate visits, meaning five days of work for surveys... it is march 21st and so far, there have been 15 working days in the month... four of the six weekend days have been work days as well, so only two weekend days allowed for any catch up... five days of surveys and ten days of investigations and that leaves most of fifteen days of normal work that would require 9-10 hour work days not done...

not enough of a challenge, it only gets more challenging... surveyors are expected for seven of the remaining eight work days of this month... somehow, the full month of daily work must get done as well...

and more... i took two of the fifteen workings days off just to recover and work from home because i can get moe done at home... catch up?... simply does not happen... so i throw skip some reports and throw reports together based skimming data and intuitive analysis, not scientific method simply because there is no time to perform the tasks required for scientific method...

and more... we do not factor in any of the routine filing and physical organizational work required to maintain some semblance of funtional order to the massive volumes of documents that pass through my hands every day... a full 40 hour week of creating file folders and reviewing and filing paper would catch that proces up, if there was only time... this is the real of work life for the moment...

and to survive, if find mental escape in games i enjoy, sometimes with friends, sometimes by myself... and also in audio-visual stimuli, stories brief as songs and long as movies and multi-part tv series... and in writing, though the past two weeks there's been much less time for writing because i needed to escape into external distractions to relieve the internal pressure in the brain... too much thinking, too much stress, doing hundreds of hours of work in a quarter of the time requires intensity that hurts the brain and to heal, escape into other thought processes works for me... a strategy game based on numbers... and sci-fi tv shows that let me leave the normalcy of human life as it is today to imagine a different world, way, and perspective...

i miss you when i am gone, even if you rarely acknowledge you are here... i miss the illusion of sharing, caring, and not being alone... but healing is a solitary process, so i have been away... i am not quite back... i have much more catching up to do at work, much more pressure to put on this brain, and therefore more escape time away from daily babbling as well... but there must be time for babbling... and then, there is the profound desire to continue the sharing in the myriad of other blogs underway... forty four blogs at blogspot alone and then, another half dozen reconnecting me with toronto (have i mentioned the connection has returned as strong as it ever was?... some would call me insane, but then, i am when compared to what humans call normal... it is the right thing to do right now)... all i need is about twice as much time as i get in each day...

and then, as if all that was not enough, there is the long term sleep deprivation taking it's toll in the erosion of this body and brain cells... here i am gathering my wits to explain to myself and to you where i have been and what my mind and body must fit into this life (and we have not included any social life, which does happen too) so i can make some sense of it and perhaps find more efficient use of the time...

fatigue... survival... and all i can hope is you do not feel too slighted by the limited time i can share with you here and in other places... i wish we could share more... i crave more personal and more intimate sharing... i must find ways to work fewer hours, as impossible as that sounds... i must find a way to take at least a week off giving ass little of the nine days in a row to work... i must find a way to fit in more regular exercise and more sleep (softball at 8:30 tomorrow, less than four hours away, and then a game at 11am and another game at 4:30pm and i am on call so i may have to run into work between games or after the last game, maybe a late night at work to start another long work week)... i must find a way to make time to find intimacy and fall in love again... if i do not do these things, i will risk burn out, illness, death, and definitely not be fully satisfied with life, even as i enjoy it immensely from moment to moment...

so there is a summary of life as i know it in e-the-real today...

how's yours? :)

am i wasting my time?

yes i wonder... what would happen... what would happen to this world... oh yes i wonder what would happen to this world (thank you harry)...

is there a mind like mine who understands egocentricity and insecurity clashing in the ultimate death struggle for so many reasons seventy books would only scratch the surface (and we've scratched many more surfaces that we have not returned to in quite some time, i mean, just to slip in that fact for our conscious thought), but my question here is more aimed at my place in this world...

who me?...

woke up from a nap with this question in mind and the question is not am i wasting my time writing or blogging in general? this time, even though that question has long since been answered for me and still has minimal answer outside of me, the question pondering around my brain that inspires the title of this entry is...

am i wasting my time blogging here in this (e)thereal blog?...

yes, this blog that still attempts and purports to be daily bits and pieces of life and my personal experience through the physical world and through the mind that calls itself me... and if i am wasting some time, how much and is it worth it?...

i am wondering if am i driving away potential readers by being too much something?... too honest?... too misunderstandable (or misunderstood)?... how do i appear outside of myself?... do i appear too depressed or silly or self-involved or careless or out of control or pathetic or angry or negative or ocd (perhaps a poll would be helpful lol lam... if it was answered, narf :)

i am wondering if i am presenting myself in words as somehow something i am not seeking to appear as?... how do i present here, that is the deeper question i wish you had the time to answer... i wish many people had time to answer as i would like a consensus, since no one is actually right here in space to compare who i am in the physical reality to who i am presented as in words...

given the world at large does not appear to have time to read enough and get to know me well enough to respond, i drop this entry here in the hope you might find the time someday or know someone who can...

cuz i want to know... and cuz i have the time...

narf too :)

life away from here

here being the internet and this blogging life, which is usually part of the same experience but a very busy fun weekend and helping some friends and a very busy weekday schedule as i start working full time has left me tired and crashing when i get home so i do not turn on the computer and, yup, this blog has been quiet for a few days or longer (time away is counted so differently, after all)...

life is good, challengingly good, fun good, busy good... softball has been much fun and i've been near the top of my game this past week and even though we (jackson and i) decided we will not return to play sunday afternoons and we told the team which was kinda sad cuz we started that team some six or more years ago, it was a great week for softball... friends were occupying much time as party fun filled a couple of nights and much energy and time went to helping as well... jackson is digging her way through the aftershock of her relationship ending and i took her out for several dinners and lunches and spent most of our home time with her... love life can be so challenging and while she is hurting, i am dancing to find ways to help in any way i can... we shall survive... and work, the new full time job has taken most of my weekdays... the long vacation was wonderful while it lasted and while part of me mourns the loss of free time, much of me is enjoying the new experience of returning to the working world... i see entertaining challenges ahead within what appears to be a very supporting environment even as it is a do or die position (administrators can become the scapegoat if organizations have regulatory or financial issues and this place has some they didn't tell me about during the interview process, but i've cleaned up much much bigger messes and hopefully will motivate cooperation and teamwork in this new place so i can make it home for a decade or more)...

there is a bit of catch up on life outside of blogging for us... here in this blogging life, the comments moderation feature seems broken and if you have left a comment it is still pending cuz blogger/google will not let me get to the comment moderation page... that's been since last week... i just don't have time to wait for the blogger server to pop up... one comment did finally make it through (yay and thank you) and hopefully whatever is blocking the comments feature will be fixed soon (they seem more interested in pushing google plus than in maintaining blogger these days, but we persist cuz blog we must, ya know)...

i hope life is not too challenging and you are finding and creating reasons to smile... i shall adjust to the new schedule eventually and be back to babbling and you ought to know by now how much i appreciate your patience (and comments) and sharing... i will make some time for blog reading this week too... for now, it is time to shower and head out to my first formal day in my office as i will be meeting with all three shifts for the formal introductions (first impressions, ya know) so i hope to find the right words and posture and all that to present myself well and win them all over and start the new work life with a rousing success...

i'm off to see that wizard now :)

airport blahs

like oh well, i connected to free wi-fi at the airport just fine according to the network card and the signal is excellent with five bars according to the properties but it is still limited connectivity and i can’t connect to email or any other website so i think Atlanta airport offers a very limited free internet access and for full internet access there is a charge… any way to make money… so while i would love a nap now and just turned on the computer to have something to do and keep myself awake while waiting the hour and a half for the flight to start boarding, i shall sit here nodding off tapping the keys… definitely overdosed on caffeine the past two days… and good Hilton hotel food… and amazing desserts… and so much for dropping weight cuz i’m pretty sure i am back up to max again after dropping some last week…

the plane is sitting out on the tarmac and it has those turned up at the end wings that some planes have these days... the ticket says it’s a 757… guess the 757 replaced the 727 cuz they seem about the same size on the inside, a bit cramped… haven’t been on a longer flight in a while so i haven’t been on a big plane in a while… i’ll probably fall asleep on this flight, even though it’s a short trip… the brain is fried, so much information in two days and all that sugar and fat does that… they say it’ll take more than a year to actually implement all of the new processes and stuff they went over, which makes sense cuz there was just so much… and there will be a whole lot of resistance cuz they do not like change at work, especially not when the change involves sharing the leadership role…

the plane outside just pulled away, so i guess it was not my plane… ok then… makes the wait seem longer even though boarding time is less than 40 minutes from now… sleepy brain, no focus, and the airport is so not busy… all the earlier flights were booked according to the ticket machine, but this one looks empty so far… there is some time though so it might get more crowded… i am in zone three this time, so i am further back in the plane so i get on a bit sooner so hopefully my bag will fit in the overhead without taking the laptop bag out of the main bag which will give me more legroom…

meanwhile, the plane is not out there yet and boarding is supposed to be in twenty five minutes… maybe it’s a flight from somewhere else stopping here with a quick turnaround which would make sense for there to be few people boarding here but that might mean it could be a pain to find space for my bag… the flight here my bag flew in first class cuz the plane was so full… caffeine crashing, brain crashing, so want to sleep… a lady sat directly across from me and so every time i look up i am looking directly into her face which is odd cuz there are seats everywhere… libbo has no interest… brain has no interest in interaction at the moment either… wonder where the plane is…

the sign on the wall says this flight has three different flight numbers from delta and from aeromexico and from aitalia… probably just making a stopover here and then a stopover in orlando before a flight elsewhere (to mexico then italy?... maybe i’ll sleep deep enough and keep going… somebody will probably wake me, i mean, it’s not like a subway… had to take a subway to get to this terminal though… big long airport here… meanwhile, boarding time is in 15 minutes and still no plane and it still says on time… scoot in scoot out and refuel in orlando i guess… of course i am just rambling to keep myself awake… a couple of really fat people just got wheeled up… they get out of the wheelchairs just find and take seats… i don’t understand how people do that to themselves… i know, it could be a medical condition… the medical condition might not even be just a money-making excuse even… there are still choices most of the time…

ten minutes to boarding time and still no plane… still says on time… more people around though… the flight may be on time, but the board probably won’t be… wish i was more awake, i could have enjoyed a good airport ramble… haven’t done that in years… and there’s the plane…

it could have been babble

or not, but be that may be or not to be, the question remains even more elusive than the answer, because, after all, while we can’t see the wind, we usually know where it is cuz, well, we can feel it, but the question, who can feel the question?...

the yearning?... the burning?... the churning of desire?... what could it be?... who could it be now?... hunk a hunk a what?... between your legs?... just where is your locus of control, anyway?... blowing in the what?... you must remember this, or something… a big snake does not make you a big man, but what’s in your cup, that might matter a bit more… when was the last time you sat around with friends (or strangers) and really got into music?... playing or singing or making love, even, really into it…

you haven’t lived until you as born again in song…

someday, that may be a religious epiphany, unless people get smarter and open their minds more… there’s always hope… meanwhile, this is the story, continuing, cuz stories are like that (at least in my mind they are)… and with a 22 inch monitor to my right and a 24 inch monitor to my left and a 16 inch monitor on my lap, don’t let anybody tell you size doesn’t matter… but 16 inches on a lap is quite enough, thank you very much… speaking visually, the crispness of the true HDMI 24 inch monitor is startling, even with the lame windows vista aero crappy video features (why do they downgrade features when they upgrade software, now that is a good question… not the question, but a good one…

so this is (if you’re counting) the second file in the new electronic space (new laptop, not new blog, but the latter is rather obvious, no doubt) and the laptop teaches me a bit more about what it and the new MS Word 2007 software is about… and the little kid is all excited, naturally, cuz there are all sorts of new toys (or features, to be technical) to explore and learn about and play with… if only there was time… sigh and alas…and what I need to do, among many other tasks, is to either… (task sub-routine 1) enter every cd into a database or spreadsheet…(task sub-routine 2) install itunes and rip every cd I own… or (task sub-routine 3) rip every cd into windows media… of course they might be 10, 20, and 30, but that’s beside the point, perhaps… anyway, the trouble with the last idea is the database in wmp is not as easily managed as the database in itunes (wmp is kinda wimpy too, it seems) and it would not tell me it has duplicates until after I rip and it would take a long time and it would use a lot of memory… the trouble with the second idea is the same as the third idea except for the database being better manageable than the third idea… the trouble with the first idea is it is manual entry and takes time and I do not get all of the information about each cd… ideally, a scanner would be wonderful… to scan all the info into a database would give the best of both worlds… but without a scanner, the database seems the way to go… and so away I went…

meanwhile, back in thereal… I am noticing looseness in the usb ports already and I hardly plug in and unplug the usb connections, so the life of the port is quite possibly going to be way shorter than I’d like it to be… that could definitely suck… does any laptop brand prevent that from happening?...

and the anti-virus has been uploading for the past three hours… something like 7kps… to yes, I know (and not an amused craig ferguson I know, either… I still haven’t been able update the operating system cuz the file is too big… I haven’t had time to get back with the microsoft tech support person who emailed me… yes, an actually tech support person from ms emailed me… I was shocked (and this is a craig I know... amazing, aye?... I know… anyway, I keep hoping the aircard will find better reception if I actually go mobile with it… but there’s just not been anought time for leisurely roaming with the laptop… or writing… or much of anything else leisure… but 7kps?... so I will say it again… att aircard internet service sucks…

I’d sigh and alas some more, but who has the time…

this is what was, sort of, as I was slipping into game mode… and I disappeared for two plus weeks and the story continued, even if nobody noticed but me… it is still wonderful to find someone stopping by the check in from time to time… as if we really care, you know?... who has the time?... ah, a question… who’s laughing now? :)

the first week of december

hope you have or will read music helps me remember you because i don't want you to miss the words that are meant to remind you that i care about you and i want you to know i love hearing from you even if it's once in a blue moon or less... see, contrary to what most babbling self-indulgent meanderings might seem to suggest, might it's not only about writing to myself here, ya know?... some of you i have not heard from in years, some even longer... please know you are not just always welcome, but i want to know how you are, what you do, and what's happening in your world no matter what is happening... i want you to remember this even though i don't say it all the time :)

some music helps me remember the heart still beating inside of me, the experiences and dreams of love past and hope for more... and this first week of december used to be a time i would devote to my heart, to remembering, to feeling all i can feel from the hope of euphoria to dreams of sharing everything and true love to the losses that will always remain as hope for some form of connection, not returning to the way it was, but at least keeping in touch with the way it is today... love is forever, after all... there is no one i have ever loved who is not very much a part of my heart today and there is always desire to know how past lovers and friends are today... this is the way of honest love... hoping for the best, for happiness and healthiness and a wonderful memory... but however it is, i still care and i still want to know...

so the first week used to be a time of deep emotion... a time of mourning and a time of healing... a time to cry the tears of missing friends and remembering the good times... a time of rejoicing in the ability to remember and the desire to remember well... a time to remember peace of mind and hope for one more smile that says peace of mind is shared... a time for reaching out to say - i love you and hope all is well today...

the first week of december was the annual catharsis... and over the years, especially recent years, working and lack of interest and lack of contact from those who knew me along the way in this life, the old friends who are connective tissue for memory and creativity and growth and life itself... this year, because it was supposed to happen this year (somewhere in writings decades ago i said so), it is happening even without anyone providing connective tissue and yay for the independent child who does it no matter what... the child who goes it alone if that's how it must be (<-- sing along :)


the first week of december i remember the child...

one hour at a time...

in one day at a time mode these days, in fact, at the moment, in one hour at a time mode, which is spooky while trying to live a responsible working life because the infinitessimal infinity of the ever approaching one moment at a time mode that leaves this earthly rhelm from time to time time after time...

survived a half a box of cepacol and a few dozen cough drops and three acetomenaphen and benadryll tabs and a few plain acetamenaphen tabs and the head cold bug that slowly fades slowlyal weekend and tonight, instead of catching up on sleep after hardly sleeping last night and not much over the weekend, i am wired with words rambling all over facebook and the web and no one may ever know, not even you, because it all happens in thereal in real time and that was not now...

reading now, i wish you love :)

always more

always something new, perhaps, even in unfiniverses where there may never be anything new ever as time and space and verses are all relative to everything creating infinite variations and therein, always something new even if we do not see or feel or find or understand the differences in whatever is from our limited perspective of four dimensions (but does our fourth dimension insure everything is always something new as it is always a different moment every moment even if we travel through time some time another time that is not this time which would be a different time even if we returned to this time it too would be a different time as we experience it for the second time {or third or fourth or fifth for that matter, aye?)...

obviously, no doubt... and in our finite understanding of the infinite, how can we not be mislead by our limited senses and fractional knowledge of everything?...

yes, you see if you do, there is always more...

narf :)

second time around

around the community, that is... if only that was a romantic allusion, but then, second?... anyway, another timed lap count, seven laps this time with the final lap walked and the first ran and the five middle laps walked and run, or ran, whichever might work... this time i started the first lap off faster than last time (last time was 3:33 and this time it was just over 3 minutes) which, combined with the day time heat and the fatigue cuz i did not wake naturally, took it's toll so i didn't run three full laps as i did last time, but i still did the six laps in under 4 minutes per lap (23:31) which is the minimum pace i seem to have set for myself and the last lap walked in five minutes or so kept the seven laps under 30 minutes (actually 28:35 or so) so... it's a decently good day considering how long it's been since i actually was in shape by my standards (and will never actually be there again due to natural deterioration of the body due to time)...

ok...

much to do but i kind of want to sit here watching reruns of eureka even though i've seen them at least twice and know what's gonna happen and what i really want is to see what happens next in the new shows but they are not on yet so maybe i'll just sit here and cool down and then do more laundry and unpacking and sorting stuff...

some other time

referencing the sad, heavy, etc, some other time (when someone cares to ask, perhaps, or when i make time to remember again, if i do before this body dies, that is)... so back home and alone again, naturally, and if the place was empty or clean it would be a new adventure with more excitement but the place is a wreck of boxes and dirtiness and much of jackson's stuff that i must sort through and find a corner for and so, find the time and clean it up and then, a new life...

i could just sit here for days or weeks in this mess as work swallows most of my time and vegetation swallows the rest (the self-pathetic baby inside likes that idea cuz the spb is stupid), but then, maybe somebody will actually reach out and keep in touch (like a friend?) and motivate me to motivate myself to sing and dance and get back into the show (life, the show, who remembers?)...

meanwhile, for the moment, i really don't know what to do with myself (obviously i don't want to know, but shhhh)... don't want to just go out for distraction... don't want to do anything around here (though laundry would be wise as i am working tomorrow)... just want to let go in my way, slowly, meaningfully, like all the time shared really mattered a lot... no wonder i am so alone, aye? :}

maybe i'll catch up on sci-fi monday tv (if i don't focus on having nobody to watch with me, right?)... hopefully some time this week i will remember to think about the feelings and events of the past week and catch up a bit cuz posterity would be upset (or so i hope, aye?) if i didn't record the details... cuz even if nobody else has time to share it all, ever, i can hope someone will someday, somewhere (you know, in that place for us?)... some other time... cuz the bottom line (the point and all) is that when i am not avoiding or feeling so lonesome i could die or some other sappy poor-me song, i care and want to know...

and how are you?

not enough free time

most than anything, not enough me time... not enough writing time, which is reflective and creative and therapeutic and all sorts of other me time that is essential to my balance and peace and happiness and joy and all sorts of aspects of positivity for me so dangit, i really need to find more time for me, dangit dangit dangit... and to add emphasis, if that will help me get more me time, dammit too!... and there is a new terminator coming too, dag nabit!... yeah, there must be time for irreverence or everything is lost, or all is lost, or something like that... so there is a whole lot of timespace going on at the moment in the last week of this blog and tomorrow is coming up way too soon and there are thoughts and feelings and experiences and memories awaiting processing and recording and there we come to that simple choice once again, sleep or write, write or sleep... sleep allows for better physical health and less fatigue for all that must be done tomorrow and writing allows for much more clarity in focus once a tipping point of release is reached, but much more physical and mental fatigue... the challenge is reaching that tipping point of release that there just does not seem to be enough time to get to (or hasn't been in some time, years, even)...

does all this mean anything to anyone outside of my head?...

alas...

sunday morning sunshine?

i disappear sometimes, just like everybody else... ah, the reference to harry aside, everybody does from time to time... i refer to going silent, shutting down, withdrawing from social interactions, closing the door and staying inside...

whether it is disengaging from an online community like facebook or any website communication tool or becoming withdrawn in the physical world by not going out as much or not calling people or less, no reaching out at all, everybody does it from time to time to different degrees... and different people have very different reasons for disappearing or becoming as bob from what about bob? would say, temporarily disconnected... for me, it's a feeling of wtf?... even more to the point, wtp? as in what's the point?...

like am i reaching anybody by reaching out?... is my attempting to share worth anything outside of the release of thoughts it provides for me?...

these questions call out louder when i receive no feedback, but still, even in the face (book and not book, or blog even) of lack of enthusiasm, appreciation, or recognition... even in the event of rejection or being ignored... even in the circumstance of conflict or hostility, i generally continue to share on and offline... i will withdraw from offline sharing faster than online sharing, but i still continue to attempt to share and when i do pause, it is seldom for more than a few days... and i just about always want to catch up when i return...

these days, living with a best-friend roommate insures i don't withdraw much from the offline sharing even as i turn down some social opportunities to enjoy others because i am not as eager to rush from one group to another as i once was (or am i just choosing change, either way, i still go out the play)... and having an addiction to daily public writing (you're looking at it, aye?) keeps me sharing words on the internet even when nobody seems to notice or care to share (based on lack of response)... but even with the opportunities to share offline and the addiction to hopeful attempted sharing online, i pull back and stop reaching out now and then too...

today i ask myself why...

and my primary trigger, button, motivation to close up and go silent is feeling like i am wasting my time which comes from a feeling of being ignored, mostly... and ultimately that feeling comes when my inner hope for sharing diminishes and the reality of my sitting out in public mostly (or quite, even) naked leads me to wonder if putting myself out here, there, or anywhere and putting energy into reaching out on the hope of sharing is worth it...

is it getting me what i want?... well, sort of and sometimes... but not all i want (sharing) and not some essential things i want in life, like more sharing, daily sharing of words, and then offline - more eye-contact sharing, and more sharing close-personal-intimate sharing... and so then i ask - can i be doing other things that will get me what i want?... and the answer is yes, so i wander away from the habits of reaching out into silence and try other things like going out more...

but the writing always calls me back and the hope of sharing words always calls me back just like the giving in life always happens even when i am giving so much that i am hurting myself by giving too much... it's just what i do, what gives me a self of doing my best to be the best i can be and that, in spite of the drawbacks and potential for pain or loss, makes me happier than any other way i've tried, yes, even with the occasional hurts...

so i explore here, not for the first time i suppose, why i disappear... it gives me something to say, something to share here... some introspection comes when interaction pauses because, after all, who else do i have around to talk to? :}

hopefully i am not wasting my time and the words i leave here today do not make the words i left here on previous days worthless and ignored, but that is life and it's no different anywhere... this is just another place to put words, be it my primary daily place at the moment, in the hope that you will share... and when you are not sharing, just reading, yeah you - old friends and first time readers, you too, i continue writing to a void... i know there is a chance you are reading and might respond... i don't know if you actually read all the words cuz sometimes i write a dozen or more entries before you pop back in the respond to the most recent one, but i know there is a chance, a hope that you are reading and it matters and has worth...

so rather than let the am i being ignored again? and feeling of wasting my time get to me, i continue... it is not always easy to continue into a void... today, this self-analysis is helping me continue... and my hope that you understand continues... and my hope that you will respond acknowledging me and showing some understanding continues...

so in the end, it is largely about hope for sharing for me... why i disappear?... hope weakens and allows selfishness to grow and self-worth to go elsewhere for food... and why i continue?... it is hope for more sharing, caring, being well, being aware, and responses that might confirm understanding, connection, sharing... i find ways to keep hope alive because hope is my inspiration... whatever your inspiration is - i hope you find your ways to keep it alive too...

ta da, a sermon for a sunday morning, aye? :)

ok, it's time

update time, catch up time, the process time... yup, and link time too cuz that's all part of the whole shebang or sheebang or shebangy sheebangy sheeboppaloobop whamalamadingdong or something like that... relatively early evening on a friday night and i've got the place to myself with nothing to do cuz jackson's gone away for the weekend again and it's just me and curious (who is rubbing all over me for attention at the moment) and i don't feel like going anywhere cuz sitting back and relaxing is inspiring the biggest smile of all the possibilities readily available tonight... i don't have a house full of snacks... no chocolate or chips or dip or cakes or anything to munch on... no soda or caffiene unless i make some coffee drink and i'm not up for that at the moment... but relaxing is definitely the first choice so even if i don't stimulate the mind with chemical additives i will likely babble on a bit and when sleep comes, welcome it with mostly open arms... hey, i'm a complex individual with an always multi-directional focus that leaves infinite possibilities for the next moment, what can i say...

yeah, so it's time... not the usually chemically induced update catch up process and link time, but it's time... are we excited yet?...

narf :)

cooking again

this could become a daily thing i suppose... i do love to cook, most of the time... and it is more economical... most of the time... so, today i made meatballs and spaghetti and salad for me and chicken and salad for jackson... she's not a red meat fan (i don't eat much of it myself... maybe a few times a month and then some months none at all, though get me around a barbecue and i'll eat almost anything, but that's another story for another entry) and she's not exercising daily so she wants to stay away from pasta... and did it take time to prepare?... yes... i didn't time it though... will i do this when i am working full time again?... not daily, but definitely on weekends... anyway, the meatballs were disappointing... i was lazy (or was it trying to keep calories down... or was it the thumb) and did not add breadcrumbs or egg and i did not put enough spices in it for me and the meat was cheap... the new spices i tried are weak, but then, that's how we learn... next time, more spice (had to try the new stuff)...

and the meat itself, well, i used to only use ground sirloin (actually, back when i was as they used to say, flush i would buy a whole filet untrimmed and grind it myself and you never tasted hamburgers like those... sometimes i'd throw in a ribeye or two for even more flavor... amazing, those burgers... so naturally my pallet still longs for those better cuts of meat, but more recently use a mix of sirloin and other cuts (usually chuck, though i am not a fan of chuck), and this was cheap ground beef ($2.68 a pound)... 15% fat, so not the cheapest, but who knows what they threw in (all the scraps go into ground beef, after all... sometimes that's great cuz the cut aways from all the best cuts go in their too, but not so much this time... some places wisely use the fat from the best cuts which is taster, not albertsons, i suppose... next time, back to adding sirloin and not ground beef... meatballs should not be asking for a condiment, ya know?... though ketchup does fix most anything... oh shush lol)... and the salt-free spice needed salt lol... at least salt-free does not work for meatballs for me... there is also another missing flavor and that is onion... i used dried chopped onion and either not enough, or simply not up to fresh onions, which also affects the moisture content of the balls... then there's the fat content... i did not cook the meatballs (pan fry or oven broil) before adding them to the sauce and i did not spice the sauce so what we have is plain ragu sauce with way too much fat watering it down to i'll refrigerate and scoop off the thick layer of fat tomorrow and then spice the sauce and reheat... they are tasty balls of beef right now, just not enough spice and too much cheap beef for my taste... they are still better than frozen meatballs though... and most likely they will be a whole lot better the second day...

headache, timeache

the headache is most likely a caffeine withdrawal headache cuz i had no caffeine today and lost of caffeine the past two days or longer so aspirins and a little caffeine please... decided to go with hot dogs for dinner, satisfying the cravings of the past few weeks and there is still bbq ribs and the buffets and the all-you-can-eat shrimp at red lobster and yeah, food is life (especially when love is friendship)...

and time is rushing by way too fast again... it slowed down nicely during the summer when there were few obligations but coming up on work obligations again, i am feeling the free time running out... could have done a lot more with the free time, really, but hey, vegetation is something too and love the peace and stress-free time it was... life is so much better in so many ways than it was before, and looking to the new work life with optimism even though the free time will be less...

looking through old files on external drives now, excitement, trepidation, alas... less time for the internet wandering, the reading, the searching through stuff... less time to be lonely, perhaps, less time to find the one... ah, there's the rub, aye? :}

riding the flow

the sort of plan or semi-intention was to take the five day weekend that coincided with the personal calendar memory holiday and dive into the memory box and see what feelings and inspirations and gunk and stuff might come out in words... i used to do that for years, every year, on personal holidays, but have drifted from the reminiscent patterns more and more as time passes... i do not think it is because i feel less and i know it is not because i forget, it is because i do not make it a priority to make the time for it... i was much more selfish with my personal holiday time once upon a time... now, much more, i ride the flow of external influences in the real, the physical, the now, and the sharing whenever it is available... still, there is the real inside that should not be ignored, so perhaps i will find time soon for self-time, even if it is not shared, cuz that is how i maintain balance and the relatively constant smile (with or without the buddha belly :)

so the self-time was nudged aside by sharing time with others in their physical spaces, emergencies at work, telephone sharing, softball and socializing, and that very much inspires big smiles from the social parts of me... and the self, much like a faithful old dog, awaits... i wonder if dogs feel loneliness as people do...

i think i'll write for myself tonight and see where the words end up :)

time of day

it is actually 1400 o'clock, yesterday, in fact... just to juxtapose two time references just to use a different way of saying the time of day just to do something slightly different to pass the time of day which is made up of these sort of small details that most of us do not have the time of day to give them the time of day, alas, meaninglessness is no excuse for not noticing the little things, you know?...

waking up and looking around and wondering why the world is as crazy as it is and why people do not just stop the madness and get off the suicidal merry-go-round and start making healthy decisions and living their lives to the fullest with those they love instead of out with strangers chasing some money pot dream that they will probably never really have time or energy to enjoy and not even giving each other the time of day unless there is some profit in it...

other than that, it's an ordinary day...

narf :)

time's not here

cheech and chong would get it... listening to a mix cd made for me by someone who called herself blue some years back somewhere on the internet... hey blue, wherever you are (and whomever you are lol, aye?), thanks for the music... definitely a fun diverse mix... and i think i head you laughing in the background of some of the mixes, especially the acdc/def leppard dance mix (and there are more snips and samples i hear you snuck in there too), clever girl... and since windows music player put the assorted folder in alphabetical order (dumb program), insomnia seems to be right on time, ahem... wish i could share the music mix with you all, but the limits of my tech savvy and this blogger site seem to prevent that once again... anyway, listening to music as i unpack some more boxes (found a video of my sky dive from a few years ago) after jackson crashed (she lasted through one box of cassettes and i could only bring myself to part with about a dozen of the few hundred... i may be a hoarder, but music... how do you throw away music?)...

and i found one of the 1000journals lost in my boxes for a decade or more... it's #873 for anyone searching or keeping track... somebody might care... maybe this guy... and then there are comments in waiting and responses in progress, but time time time, especially tonight when i am jazzed to unclutter and yet must wake early tomorrow to be ready to play a 9am game (life would be much less fun without softball)...

and now that daylight savings time stole an hour of sleep and there are only about four left to be had, i better lay down and let the sleep come... so much more to write and upload, so much more to say and rhyme, so much more i want to share, but so little time, so little time...

narf :)