the browsers are buggy

chrome will not work with blogger or google... firefox is not working with blogger... it's a clusterfuck trying to navigate lately and word is internet explorer is vulnerable that that may be why the rest of the browsers are messed up... it must have something to do with this, but i have not found a way around it yet... ridiculous that google's own browser is blogging the SSL certificate from google dot com and other google owned websites, but that is what seems to be happening...

slipping the time into the space

as in entries, pre-dated and post-written and slipped in before the present as if they were the past, suddenly appeared where once were none... lost in the mix, usually, except for the few mad scientists and blog spiders and spam robots and you, dear reader, who explores them all and checks for the magical mystery tour de force that gives posterity the ompression that many more entries were written so more often than the actual pattern was at the time, whenever the time was...

so it's like i tell myself (and anyone who cares and wants to know everything) to go fish, and we laugh and play the game... let's see, what didn't i read the first time (cuz it wasn't there, shhhhh), oh my, what did i miss?... they don't always make you cluck like a chicken, you know, i mean, just because hypnosis might have a bad rap it's kind of like a gun, it's not the gun that kills, right?... perception is not just a tv show, after all... it is sometimes everything, depending on one's point of view... perspective is everything, but perception too, if you falla...

watching the wheels (and some dvr tv) tonight...

you? :)

so yeah, right, anyway

another week passed and i did not fix the old car nor did i shop for a new car and tomorrow is another weekend and timw runs out again... fool, will i be paying for a fourth week of rental next week because i did not shop and decide on what car i want to buy?... jackson's gone again this weekend so she's not here to help with a ride back from the mechanic, but it's not her fault she's in love and does not have time to help me... i mean, just cuz i pay all the expenses almost every month so she has hundreds of extra dollars to pay her bills and spend a lot more on fun than she'd be able to do if she had to pay her own way in life... i mean, half the rent would pay for any car i'd like to buy and leave some monthly money to spare... not to mention stop the bleeding of my retirement savings... figure she might make a day available to help drive me around to fix my car and/or shop for a new car instead of me spending money on a rental and having to choose between fixing the car or shopping for a new car...

of course not doing either is my procrastinating choice... her lack of caring or help isn't a valid excuse for the self-destructive choice i am making... just the stupid self-pity party thrown by the wah-wah baby who wants a mommy to save me from the big bad world... or something like that...

wanna be fan

yeah, i wanna be a fan and yet, it's only partly in my nature... i can obsess, as i did long long ago over the local baseball team, watching almost every game, bouncing off the walls with every pitch, going to the stadium to watch more than thirty games... but i had several friends to go with and that was the draw as much, if not more, than the team and watching the game... i'd much rather be playing than watching a game... and so i get into the local university team, UCF, now in large part because jackson is obsessed with her alma mater and sports... just like i still sort of root for ohio state cuz rasputin was such a big fan... and tonight i watch game eleven of this season and hope for the tenth win of the year... just one loss, a three point loss to a top ten team... and one of the wins was against a top ten team... they are having their best year ever and with just two more wins they are in a BCS game, the highest honor a team can get short of being the national champion... the might be close to top ten had not had that one loss...

sadly, though, jackson is the only super fan of UCF i know well enough to bounces around with watching the games and she is not here tonight, chosing her girlfriend over her love of sports (which is so not like her and one reason i am concerned she is being manipulated into giving up things she loves in other to satisfy sanford and hoping that is the right move for her... she is getting older faster than she realizes, but that is what going out with someone fifteen years older than you can do... i hope she doesn't get old sooner than she needs to just cuz her partner is already much older... what's concerning is she seems to be willing to do anything to fit into sanford's life, even if that means giving up some of her favorite her lifelong (and healthy) interests... sanford wanted her to give up softball, a game jackson loves and exercise she needs, and she has almost completely... and she has hardly watched football this season and that is a dramatic change from every year prior to this year... if i was not supporting her, she most likely wouldn't be with sanford because sanford won't and i don't know where she'd live... so am i enabling an unhealthy relationship?... she's gained a lot of weight since she started going out with sanford... alas, how do i be a best friend when she cares more about being loved than loving herself...

anyway, i hope UCF makes history this year, even if i watch all by myself... and while i hope she doesn't forget all i've done and given up (and still do) for her like so many have before, much more, i hope jackson and sanford find a balance that isn't all sanford's life...

working holidays

so most of my managers took the days off, but i went in to be supportive of the staff who did work the holidays and give more time to the clients as well... and as i blend into the place, i do need to observe who is doing their job and who is not, and who does their job well and who needs coaching to do their job better... that is part of my job, after all... but getting everybody comfortable with me and getting comfortable with the people and routines, especially on the "off days" like weekends and holidays, is the best way to start observing and identifying what's right and wrong and what needs improving...

so i am at work now... and how was your holiday? :)

sleepy day

would be at work now except i over did the awake time yesterday, definitely overdid it, the awake time, overdid, definitely... whah?... still groggy today cuz i've been turning off the alarm for five hours or more instead of just letting rem sleep come on so the body is rested but the brain wants more deep sleep, definitely more deep sleep...

sitting here staring across the room i think... the dvd player can play music cds on through the tv speakers... oh really?... i think so... try it?... but i really wanted to get into work for a while today... oh, well, then a shower and work clothes and driving out there would be the thing to do... but popping in a cd and having music on a moment's notice, that would be good... and so it goes... suddenly, after years of not having music playing at a pop in of a cd, we now have music playing at the pop in of a cd... we are not limited to the music stations on the cable network anymore or the boox box that i so seldom seem to use and i don't think jackson uses either... strage it has taken so long to think of this... music used to be an integral part of life, on while i slept, on when i woke, on through the day home and away... i sometimes turn on the car radio, but as much for traffic reports as anything else... tori amos sings now, with audience applause in the background... welcome back music...

with this energy boost, time for a shower and waking and heading to work for a few hours... and time for life's dance again... it's another beautiful day :)

sleeping soundly, sorta

and when attempting an awakening, the brain begged for more sleep, so the dance began... the dance of the snooze button... and the steps were repeated again and again over the next few hours, which may seem strange if you were anywhere but here... here, of course, being a place where time is relative (space too, to some extent), the future past and past present and present past and future are here and there and anywhere and sometimes, like sort of right now, all in the same place, and time, for that matter... maybe i'm amazed, after all...

if you were here, we might not sleep... and then again, we might...

life goes on too...

lonely nights

this is where i am without my partner... beegees, remember?... i really wish i had tape 62 tonight... and tape 95... ah, dear toronto, if you only really cared about me, i'd have never gone so long without the music i left in your trust... you knew how important it was to me and no matter how much forgiveness can be found and shared, the fact is i am without the music still... and that was (and maybe still is) your choice... whatever happened to the tapes, i wonder... and why don't i know, i wonder even more... sleeping dogs?... do you really still want to hurt me?... culture club, remember?...

it is that time of the night when it is so easy to write about how it feels to be alone and want to share oh, if ever you got rain in your heart, remember me, my friend... i don't want to be lonely no more, and yet, i don't want to compromise out of loneliness cuz that isn't fair to anyone... who could handle the truth, really, i've lost too many lovers who were not the one... who can handle the sex, really, i've lost too many friends for sensual fun... who can handle honesty, really, i've lost too many people by telling them the truth... i don't want to be lonely no more, but i've got to be me...

even without the music...

sigh...

later than intended

yes, so the fool i am called and got invited for cards instead of staying home and enjoying football and relaxing and falling asleep early and now, well, just look at the time and here i was going to wake up and car shop tomorrow, dangit... so i need to wake up and call the rental place and tell them i want the car for another week before it expires tomorrow, double dangit... coulda put this $700 in car rental money to much better use ya know... like the electric razor and other stuff i've been wanting and hey, not that i actually buy gifts unless i am actually with someone or programmed (like a secret santa) into it cuz i am not a consumer conformist like that cuz giving is not a scheduled activity for me, it's a feeling that comes when i am with someone and i sense they want something and then, that is the occassion, they want something and it is right there, gift giving season is coming up...

curious nuzzled her way into my hands for a good fifteen minutes just moments ago after i walked happiness... he was a good boy, i am pretty sure, and held his pee and poo until i got home... he was wide away standing in the living room when i opened the door... poor baby is used to going to be early with his mom, but jackson is away again tonight so he had to wait for me... he's alwake and looking for his mom right now... so is curious... they take turns staring at the front door and looking out the patio glass doors, then eventuall curl up around me wherever i am and fall asleep... but happiness, especially, does not sleep well when she is gone and the second night he hardly sleeps at all until he can't hold up his head anymore... poor puppy has been sleeping with his mom for most of his 14 plus years and just doesn't know how to sleep comfortably while waiting for her to come home unless i stop what i am doing and sit with him a while... and coming back this late, well, he's all discombobulated and wants more food (emotional eating... and don't i understand that too well) and wants more attention... he kinda reaches a near panic mode the second night which sometimes gets worse the third night and sometimes just levels off until she returns...

he's heading into the bedroon now, whimpering and sniffing, and moments later he comes out looking so lost and he just stands and looks around the living room turning from the dfront door to me and then to the patio and back to me... time to give him some undivided attention as he's starting to nip at himself... he gets crazy itchy sometimes when she is away... sometimes when she is here too, but it's more pronounced and often starts when she is away... such a sad face...

i need my writing time, but he needs some cuddle and scratching time and we both definitely need some serious sleep time... i've been up more than 24 hours, come to think of it... but this is who i am and part of what being empathic is about, i feel and will not ignore life suffering in the same space i am in... it's tough enough not to think about the horrible suffering so many billions have far away as we share the same air and planet, but in the same four walled environment, well, that's too close for pushing away the comfort...

yeah, it's a dog's life sometimes, but not always, alas...

narf...

out again

yeah, as i said later, i am out right now playing cards... i meant to get to sleep early tonight, what it being a day of mourning, in case you didn't know i live in an alternate reality when compared to the normal average perspective of perception of the real world, history, and so on (is the white man's burden real or an excuse to excuse excuses?)... wonders of wonders, after all... but instead i was mostly coherced into heading over to harpo's to play cards, being that i thought he was alone and needed company and mostly, that was the case... little did i know he would coherce others into staying past 2am while one of the other's girlfriend slept on the couch... cards are such a strange addiction...

and maybe i didn't want to spend the night alone as much as i thought... but i miss the alone time and rest time and sleep time and writing time and anyway, i'm not here... pigging out with cards and friends, a different shade of beautiful life... just missing the romance and cuddling and partnership, but hey, nothing is perfect, not even the beautiful life...

narf :)

the beautiful life

not in the rich and famous tv beautiful life that hollywood likes to sell, but the peaceful appreciation of the simple comforts... a frosty morning becomes a wonderfully cool afternoon full of sunshine and light breezes so that after giving four or five hours to the staff and clients at the houses (three houses we will likely learn to call "the cluster" in time), fixing a van door so they can go on an outing to universal studios on saturday and resetting circuit breakers for the eating area that went off when the smoke alarm triggered last night because somebody didn't watch the popcorn in the microwave so the refridgerator, freezer, and microwave work again (the fire department were not happy with us and i am not happy to pay for their emergency response and i'm gonna have to figure out why the circuit breakers blew come next week when maintenance is back at work, but clients and staff and house are safe so it's only money and a stern reminder about not leaving popcorn unattended) and setting up email groups for a couple of nurses and showing them how to use outlook and preparing packets for review for a new client referred to us to fill a bed when we transfer out a client early next month and a few other things and yeah, after those four or five hours i can sit out on the porch (or patio as we are on the ground floor and not up north) in shorts and a t-shirt feeling a wonderfully cool tingle of fall (as in autumn) in the air with happiness and curious laid out on their outdoor pillows enjoying the fresh air with me as they wait for dinner time we can all relax and enjoy the sun going down and twilight starting to twinkle all around...

yeah, it's a beautiful life :)

dumb dog

i would be enjoying this relaxing morning at home more if happiness was not pouncing up every time i stand up... he obviously missing mommy and feels needy and wants more attention than usual (and he's a big attention seeker), but he also loves being outside... i took him out early this morning cuz he was begging hard and he walked around in the 33 degree cold for a while but he refused to poop so all morning he's been begging to go out again and he is lucky i did not have to head into work after his first walk or he would be one sick puppy tonight since he didn't poop when i took him out last night either and i would not likely be home too early tonight... and I'd have a stinky mess to clean up after a long day at work... no freedom for a dog owner, that's for sure... no wonder why some dog owners get so insensitive... and yet dogs are so dumb they just take abuse and wait for the next pat on the head soaking up whatever few moments each day they might get some love... then again, loyalty and unconditional love are not so dumb after all, if only humans understood (can learn a lot from a dumb dog)... he's lucky he's so off the charts lovable, true dat... lol :)

i mean, there's no picking up and taking a ride somewhere or just impulsively heading to the beach or somewhere for a late night or overnight cuz the dog needs walking and both dog and cat need feeding... jackson is out of town with her parents... she heads up to visit them at least a few times a year... she'd have to take the animals with her if i was not around and they have a lot of animals up there so it's easier and better for our kids to stay here... she's away a lot an has two kids, so same situation when she goes to sanford's too adding in which would mean a heck of a lot more expensive driving to come here to pick them up and drive them down there a couple of times a week, at least... she's lucky she's so off the charts lovable too, mostly... lol :)

i think being chilled has me grumpy... lonely, me? lol... at least I am laughing... happy... silly too... sitting here in a jacket until the heat kicks in and warms the place... the kitchen window was open and this place has very poor weather seals, so a lot of the 33 degrees got inside overnight and i just noticed how cold i was a little while ago as my toes and fingers were numb... first time putting heat on this season... i am cooking pasta to warm me up... then another hot shower... then dress warm and head out to work for a while to support and thank staff for working the holiday and let the clients know they are loved even if they don't have family or visitor or anything much outside of our care... they're lucky i'm such a dumb dog, no doubt... lol lam :)

hope life is smiling for you (make it smile :)

morning chills

i let myself fall asleep again shortly after eating dinner and i must have turned the tv off but all the lights were on which is slightly strange but the tv has a remote and the lights don't and in a few hours i will wake up somewhat moreawake than i have been in quite some time and i will write another song you never heard right from an entry to be here in those few hours from now... a waking with sensation as if suddenly feeling all the energy is pulsing like a rhythm in the stillness of the night so comforting to me like an old friend memory...

so ive been awake a few hours and i will likely stay awake the rest of the day as i intend to go into work to say hello and thank the people who are working this holiday... they called last night cuz they set off the fire alarm... popping popcorn got out of hand... that's going to cost us money and possibly another inspection... and this morning the heat was not working... maybe the fire alarm shut down some systems... figures the first morning they needed heat was this morning... anyway, relaz and roll with the flow...

narf :)

as i used to be

not as open as i used to be to the universal energy closing myself physically limits me emotionally as the body ages shut downs come in stages and it seems outrageous i would let it happen when i know how the energy flows as posture turns inward energy stops flowing everything is shut out the body stops growing and the mind stops knowing how the wind is blowing everything is showing energy is glowing but the eyes start closing as posture turns inward and the eyes stop seeing everything's connected the senses stop feeling all the energy that flows through everything endlessly repeating a cosmic heart beating past infinity and eternity right through you and me...

but i am not as aware of it momentarily... for i am not as open as i used to be...

singing for supper

not for in the sense of getting paid through food for singing, but just singing while the food cooked and silently singing while eating... happy gleeful wonderful life world universe singing... no particular reason... probably just the rebel in me refusing to conform to human norms, knowing i have a choice, and making that choice to be happy and me... i mean, there are lots of logical reasons to not be so happy, to be down even... loneliness, no partner to share the moments or the life, and here we are on a holiday where people give thanks for whatever they have in life (even though i detest and oppose the origin of the holiday) and i ain't got nobody, as the old song goes... yet i feel wonderful mostly because i refuse to not be happy cuz i want to be happy and i can be happy cuz it is a choice... so there...

so i found myself singing and happy and gleeful and feeling wonderful and just figured that was worth mentioning in an entry here cuz, well, anything's possible and maybe you can do the same thing now and then... make the choice... be happy...

yeah, so more whatever

so i decided to eat and of course the kids were wide-eyed and ready to mooch because animal kids di not like it when people eat in peace... they are a natural diet aid, doing everything they can do to interfere with digestion... that was a few hours ago, or more, and i hopefully got a little sleep between then and now, but i also wrote some more cuz, well, tapping the keys soothes the tired beasts and also helps distract me from the fact that i really ought to be sleeping and tomorrow i may once again be too tired to do the car shopping i had hoped to do today but minor emergencies popped up keeping me from leaving early as planned so...

of course i will spend more money and just might lose the great deals on cars i could be buying this week... life is sucky like that sometimes...

good morning?...

the week it is

ok, the simple things reminds me of why this particular week is one of, if not my least favorite week of the year... the hypocrisy of this country shows through more cruelly this week than any other, though some war celebrating holidays are close... the fact that slavery is seen as a bad thing and there have been laws to make strides to balance the hundreds of years of oppression does not alter the fact that the white europeans committed the most complete genocide of a human species in known history... the germans could not completely eradicate the jews... the white men could not completely subjugate the africans... the australians and the aboriginal tribes, well, sad... but the so-called "americans" and the so called "american indians" have a history so deeply buried in folk lore, hollywood distortions, governmental lies, and cultural ignorance that the story of thanksgiving nauseates me every year and that seems to increase as the years pass...

so the week feels like crap because i feel the inhumanity and hypocrisy of it everywhere turned up on high... and that just reminds me of how arrogant this country remains, justifying invasions of other countries, justifying killing of women and children many thousands of miles away, justifying stealing natural resources, and the rub, celebrating victories and basking in the soils of the wars we start with people who have no chance against us... the epitome of the bully, that is the u.s.a and this week brings it all back home to me...

so i usually do my best to spend time alone because rarely do i find someone who understands the perspective i find in my mind...

and why should this night be any different, blah blah blah...

yeah, sure, whatever

the moment i stopped typing, happiness sat up and looked at me like he lost his best friend and he sat up and started scratching and then started nipping at his legs which is what he does when he is stressed and what can we expect from an animal so used to curling up on his human's bed and sleeping with human contact... curious does not stress as much and she comes to sleep next to me as she is doing right now... but curious has not lived and slept one on one with her humans for the last fourteen years as happiness has... he can't jump up on jackson's bed anymore, so she lifts him on there so he can curly up at her feel... he used to curl up against her and she misses that, but i think his old bones need less body heat and more space now... he gets up so slowly and aches for the first few to dozen steps...

yeah, so some nights i just don't fall back to sleep instantly... especially not when i hear his panting or thumping foot scratching or his nipping at his legs... if i am not awake to stop that he will draw blood as he does sometimes when he is stressed... poor puppy, he just does not understand why his mommy is not lifting him up on her bed and curling up to sleep tonight...

meanwhile, i sit here babbling cuz when i tried laying down in my bed he and curious just came in asking me, "how can you sleep when mommy is missing?"... he starts panting (with the occasional pathetic whimper, moan, or grumt) and she starts rubbing on my face (with the occasional meow)... jackson tells me to close my door but how cruel is that, i mean, from the kid's perspective... yeah, they eventually falls asleep, i think, but sometimes they throw up right outside my door (i don't like to leave it for jackson and usually don't tell her cuz, well, what's the point... i whine and grump here, after all... it does no good to carry it around and hold on to it for days until she gets home) and the energy is so uncomfortable in the morning, it starts the day off rotten, especially when i must rush through a shower and leave for work... alas, i know, humans do not understand me... some infants do... and animals... and some kids before they unlearn...

food?...

i'd be asleep now, but...

a dog needs walking and, whatever... developed a profound frontal lobe headache this afternoon at work from (most likely) caffeine withdrawal (had lots from thursday through yesterday, at least i think i had some yesterday, though maybe i stopped yesterday... the brain still hurts when i think... or blink... or am awake) and eating lighter today and increased, though insufficient sleep (waking during a third REM cycle is often not a good thing, but i went to sleep early last night and had to wake for work this morning) and lack of exercise and other body imbalances and some stress (mostly, constant responsibility for others can do that as i have no off switch in my head, which is an old song never heard before, though often sung, in case you wondered) and some other stuff and polly wally doodle all day and as i said a few moments ago in a partial sentence fragment that seems like it might have been some long lost time forever before this moment, or something like that, whatever and so went into bed right after i got home and walked and fed the kids and would be asleep now except happiness would not let me go back to sleep after i woke to pee cuz he was wimpering and panting cuz he needed to go out cuz he stresses when jackson doesn't come home and jackson is staying at sanford's tonight (she probably told me last night but i was so brain-dead tired i was not registering all the dates she was telling me she would be staying at sanford) and he pulled his usual stunt of not going poo again because he just wanted to stay outside and look for jackson's car like he did earlier and now he is still panting (he does this when she is away) and i am not sure when the last time he pooed was and so here i am trying not to feel my frontal lobe (which is much much better than it was before but...

what was i saying?...

this (constant car of others and being me in a space with animals) was so much easier when i was not working and didn't have to sleep at night and wake up in the mornings... now happiness is laying directly in the path jackson would take walking through the front door, right outside my bedroom, the only entryway into the bedrooms area... still panting out the stress... he does that so he will wake if she walks through the door - or if i move... i wish he would just fall asleep cuz his stressful panting is stressful for me too... the tapping on the keyboard helps them both rest partly cuz it distracts my energy so they don't come looking for the connection they feel when i am not distracted... it's an energy field communication thing... sometimes called empathy... connects everything in the universe... but it's not a words thing... words just help distract me and active fingers help create the space between so they can fall asleep... but for me, alas, putting on clothes and walking in the night air woke me up anyway... hopefully the head aching continues going away and does not return... i did not eat dinner and eating now would not help this body lose a pound or two... especially not the comfort food the brain might likely find if it takes the body into the kitchen... dang habits and patterns, the animals do not want me to change mine... sleeping through the night would have been good tonight... grumbling here helps distract me from the empathy that both happiness and curious feel that keeps us all awake... humans don't understand some things...

it would be so much better for the animals if sanford would come here... me too probably... but she has animals and a teenager... this is why i don't want pets, animals dependent on me full time, but i've mentioned that before, haven't i... these are the nights i ponder how different my life would be if i lived alone and had the $30K i spent on jackson and sanford over the last few years... buying a new car and lots of things would be so much easier... but i'd be missing the family feeling and probably would have just adopted somebody else by now... adopting people in need is my way in this world... wishing i had a partner who did it with me is always my way... wishing and adopting... and grumbling when i don't get enough sleep...

i don't like entries like these... too much whining...

i used to wonder why i can't be insensitive and not feel the stress and such in the animals (and children) around me like everybody else?... it used to be that i felt so much more though... the planet and the ecosytem used to cry out to me every night when i was a younger child... that is one reason i am nocturnal... or maybe i noticed because i am, chicken or egg, perhaps... empathy is such a two edged sword in this world... grump... the brain is looking for more distraction now... happiness is almost asleep thenks to no attention and the taping of the keys... food will likely wake him... stepping over him to go into my bed will likely wake him... will the brain sleep on the couch tonight?... the brain is looking for more distraction... sometimes i wish i did not have a tv... maybe i will turn it on...

they are both almost asleep now... wish i was...

narf...

visitor update

while i was fast asleep hoping the night would bring beautiful rest and peace and the kids (as in the animals we live with) were plotting to keep me awake all night, i remembered a time when i used to record the places you came from to visit this blog... and while mostly you wonderful people come from the same places (especially the imaginary ones), my popularity seems to have increase in Malaysia this month and in recent months... here is the latest monthly stat visitor report for the past month:

United States, 757
Malaysia, 153
Russia, 151
Romania, 122
Germany, 94
China, 42
Ukraine, 41
Canada, 24
Indonesia, 24
United Kingdom, 14

yeah, we are all fascinated, i'm sure... and at least one of us is sarcastic, but we won't hold that against that one silly kidder...

life is good for you, wherever you are... i hope :)

the reason is everything

for instance, the reason you do things... why do you do good things, why are you kind when you are kind?... is it because you were told to be good or because you chose to be good?... is it because you want some reward in life or after life, or do you choose to be good?... is it because you are afraid of punishment in life or after life, or do you choose to be good?... in other words, how pure are your intentions?... the reason you do what you do is everything...

except on the superficial level where meaning doesn't matter as much as outcome or deed... and there, if you do good, that is all that matters... but keep in mind that if you believe in some deeper or higher power who judges your meaning and reason behind your deeds, you really ought to reconsider your reasons for doing what you do...

because everything is connected, after all...

late morning

yes, this would be considered a late morning... rainy too... and i need to make car decisions (unless i am automatically spending another $220 on the car for another week come friday)... let myself fall asleep early last night, slept about 9 or 10 hours, and groggy when i woke an hour ago, but less groggy now... slowly waking...

showered and checked the main gmail (so if anything was sent there and i didn't respond, it's buried)... did not get to check the newer gmail that some of you have... no time, alas... gonna dress and head out for work now...

maybe some catch up tonight... hope life is smiling (make it smile, dangit, tickle yourself! :)

narf too :)

what happened to sunday?

heck if i know, or remember, even...

even this entry was lost in the draft folder until this very moment when i noticed and am in very much the same place i was in in the previous entry, several weeks later, so it is a pattern repeated each week... home alone, giving a whole lot of the precious and few weekend days to others... weekend time is way too short...

busy busy busy... and too tired to sit and write... and busy busy busy...

narf...

not sleeping why?

checked email and that lead me to linkedin where i clicked on lots of connect buttons and i may rise over 400 connections any minute now and hopefully that makes me happy or worth more to the world or something like that and that was instead of sleep as i watched some dvr stuff and did not search for more cars and i wonder if i should buy the prius or ratchet down for a brand new corolla for the maintenance and is it worth the extra few thousand lost in the first year or is the better gas mileage worth the higher monthly payments and when i am awake i really must crunch the numbers and all that jazz... it's not as if it is anything new, ya know?...

the doctor visited this weekend along with that companion i would like to hug and squeeze and take home to cuddle and hold and never let go... or at least see if we could get along and be friends... it's not all about sex, right mila?... welcome to my fleeting obsessions, jenna (sweet mercy)... i will forget i am obsessed with you in a few minutes and then remember next time i see you on tv... it's an ADD obsession, aye?... but that is not why i am not sleeping... writing helped... babbling, of course... gotta blog... it's of the oldest deepest ways, after all... as if we did not know cha cha cha...

did i mention food?... oh yeah, after midnight pig out on the leftover ribs and chocolate pudding dessert, that's a big not sleeping helper... and more mountain dew too... waking in three and a half hours to drive friends up to tavares to visit curly... gonna be a long day even if i sleep... alas, it may be like this every week for a while...

nite nite, narf :)

tic tic tic what?

as i said somewhere, or will, curious likes to show her ass... especially when she climbs up next to me, walks across my lap, and does not get the attention she seeks... she raises her tail and sits ass first on my arm or wherever she stops to rest... and her tail is quite ticklish when i am not wearing a shirt... or clothes... as i sometimes do, or do not, when jackson is away for the night... and being that she and sanford appear back together, that may be more often again... leaving me with the animals to care for... and the itchy cat tail... and the needy dog... and the tail is next to impossible to ignore... clever cat... as if i have time for this, right... didn't they read the last entry? (well, it was once the last entry)...

seriously, this is going to be a very long night... or was... or day, whenever it was...

narf :}

so yummy and whatever

cards too... curious seems to react to my typing, but that's besides the point... she must learn not to raise her tail and put her ass on my arm though... anyway, dinner was ribs and they were not the best, but they were excellent... helen's friend joined us and we ate seriously yummy food and then played cards... they chose spades... i danced around the first game and lost, but after going down by 250 points in the second game i came back and won on the last hand... kind of amazing, but i like spades and usually play it pretty well when i want to... i guess i didn't want to lose two in a row, but i definitely did not want to win two either... no sex, just cards, i mean, in case you asked...

irreverence is my best defense aya know...

cats are so sexual, asshat... and that tail has got to go when i am not wearing clothes...

narf :}

off to dinner now

but before i go, i've just gotta record what i've discovered, or at least some of what i discovered... consumer reports confirms that the prius is the car i want among the cars i can afford... i think... and they (consumer reports) no longer recommend the camry... i did not read enough to find out why, but the camry still has some of the highest ratings, so it's not easily evident why their recommendation changed... so i searched and searched and searched and learned about new cars and realized that most new cars still lose five to eight thousands dollars in their first year... even the prius... and there is the rub...

i found a used prius IV, at least i think it is a IV, which is the one i would want... it's a 2013, with thirteen thousand miles on it for nineteen thousand dollars... since new it would go for twenty-eight thousand or more, that is a great deal... carfax says it has no accidents reported... it's being sold by offleaseonly, so the question is why someone would turn in a car after eleven months on a lease... a business?... a rental?... private lease?... some other sort of fast turn around?... hidden wreck?... the bad news is the car is four hours away in lake worth, west palm... no time to check it out, so do i buy it blind to save a few thousand of more?...

decisions... i must make time to sit in a drive a prius and a corolla cuz i think i have decided to buy one of those two cars... maybe... but tonight, i have dinner plans and i will upset helen if i cancel at the last minute... jackson did, but jackson's in love, or at least in need and people in love, well, you know... remember toronto?... so i didn't fix the car... didn't feel like sitting at a mechanic's all day... so i shopped online... and stay with the rental... decisions...

off to dinner now... hi ho... narf too :}

and then i woke

again... and decisions had to be made... decisions that will change the course of mighty history, bend steel with it's locomotion, able to leap from tall rivers, yes, decisions... fix the car... buy a car... continue renting for another few weeks writing off a thousand or so dollars that could increase a down payment so i choose the right car... of course i must negotiate with curious to alow me the time to concentrate enough to make the decision... so today i search... and search... and search some more... searching the internet for the right one... when will the right one come along...

which car... the prius, or is that too much spending too soon... if only i did not spend so much of my savings the past few years, if could pay cash for a prius... alas, decisions... the camry hybrid is about the same price, bigger inside and lower gas mileage, but still a great car... the corolla, which can be had for a whole lot less but is not the gas mileage and ecological footprint of the prius... if i had a house and a garage and a place to plug it in, i'd probably go with the leaf, but i am not set up to be a leaf on the wind at the moment... and if cost was no matter to consider, i would buy the telsa... alas, decisions...

so i shall continue to be be on the internet today searching, searching, searching, into the future... searching for the right one... decisions, decisions...

wish i had a friend here today... decisions...

so i slept in

i might have dreamed, if i remembered, or maybe i was just making up some clever titllation in order to present it as an entry and drive us all somewhat sensually crazy imagining mila kunis and the current companion (yes, the doctor is teasing yet another return this weekend, or so i've been told... can the hot little orphan be far behind?... oh, and what a behind, aye?... what, don't tell me you missed the first episode... do you have any idea what i am rambling on about?) as nude bookends (me being the book, naturally) and no one was wearing a fez, by the way...

of course we were dancing in unison, dualson, trison, all four of us, even...

i'll wake up soo, so shhhhhh, let me keep dreaming...

narf :)

so little time

yes, i have things to do and too little time... dinner plans for tonight and lunch time plans for tomorrow and working a lot during the week and not enough time to car shop so another $220 or so goes to a rental car for another week and not enough time to car shop so maybe fixing the car is what i will do... car shop online, perhaps... so get to it... but first, like magic, the time date stamp changes... in case you didn't notice...

bummer, not enough time to babble again... i was asleep once...

and i miss me...

narf...

quite annoying, google and microsoft

apparently i can no longer access blogger or even my gmail via any web browser besides internet explorer... this occurred immediately following a windows update recently and not firefox nor chrome will work properly... ssl certificates are no longer recognized in those browsers... suddenly... after a windows update... if i've been hacked or somehow corrupted, kaspersky is not telling me... it really sucks that i no longer have a choice in which browser i can use...

i should be complaining i suppose... so many complaints, so little time...

barf...

meanwhile, i am enjoying relaxing with the tv, elementary on he dvr, and some mountain dew... sanford apparently took the snacks she brought for appetizer home with her so there are no crunchies or munchies, alas... if i knew she was gonna take them home with her i'd have asked jackson to pick up some snacks for me when they went to the store and got the appetizers and the yo-yo...

still enjoying a relaxed night... hope you are too :)

tv and so on

dinner was yummy, though due to fatigue and rushing, the lasagna was mostly pasta... i didn't get up to help prepare it and jackson was tired and trying to get the food done, but still yummy enough to be yummy... i had code red and a yo-yo, which made everything much yummier... we watched the crazy ones and the big bang theory and then sanford went home, jackson went to be lonely, alas, though she came out and got happiness to join her... curious is curled up on the couch with me...

i might have fallen asleep moments after i got home earlier if jackson was not cooking dinner for sanford... i was hungry and wanted some social time with them... maybe the mother hen in me wanted to feel the atmosphere... and jackson told me they are back together for the first time... strange... wonder if it just happened... hopefully it won't get in the way of her work and fun and end very badly like it did last time... relationships are so fragile, so often...

i wish everyone could be truly honestly enlightened and happy... or at least one person who was physically appealing to me who might fall in love with me, but so far, no such luck... so life is writing and softball and tv and games with friends and dreaming and halping people and work and so on...

loving it, even if i am not sharing it as much as i'd like...

and you? :)

don't let the sun go down on me

cuz it would really burn, ya know?... yeah, sure, make jokes... meanwhile, i wandered through another busy day and some of the entries uploaded last night might have actually happened, but since jackson is cooking dinner and sanford is here (they are back together, for better or worse... who am i to worry over the incompatibility of it all, especially over time, no less the motivation and reason... i only hope that the primary reason they came back together is love and not loneliness and/or just wanting to be loved and in love... i know i've been there and the latter reasons can create nightmares... hope for the best, be prepared for the pain, again)...

hungry... hope dinner is ready soon :)

one of those nights

as opposed to one of these nights in which the hero finds himself enthralled enmeshed and generally engaged in the throws of romantic love-making or at least seriously wild passionate sexual activity unabashed and willing to be still until stillness explodes... ever experience the vibration of another body by laying on top or under that other body as still as human possible for as long as humanly possible?... it is in that stillness that energy fields can be felt and aura can be seen and some call it love and some just are unwilling to overcome fear and whatever to remain that still that close to another for long enough to experience what i am asking about...

oh yeah, it was one of those nights...

meanwhile, i am hopefully home by now and in fact, hopefully home a few hours but if not, hopefully i accomplishedf some good sharing with my boss and have more concrete changes in place at work... and hopefully i am getting some much needed rest after a very long and productive and wonderfully challenging and rewarding week... and hopefully i am also writing about it in the moment instead of just in the future... time slips there, you know?...

oh yeah, one of those nights...

narf :)

so i turned on the fan

cuz a sweaty butt can become an itchy butt and nobody likes an itchy butt... meanwhile, it was some half a day or so ago, give or take a few hours, and i was experiencing that 4am rush of wanting to babble probably because loneliness was trying to bubble up and and swallow me even as fatigue was knocking at the door but being fended off by the rush of adrenaline from whetever the babbler and peanut gallery and silly little kids and lecherous old men and all the babbling inhabitants of my head hang out and maybe residual caffeine and sugar though the sugar would induce sleep coman by now so it's all the other things and maybe some then some too... so i turned on the fan...

it's a sticky night outside but the windows are open and i don't want to walk jackson by trying to climb over her room to close her windows so i am not turning on the air conditioner because i don't want to air condition the outdoors cuz that is a losing battle and somewhat expensive and i need to put a cork in the spending so i can buy a car and all that was what i would have said to a lover until she shut me up with kisses had a lover a been handy at the time and now, i should be working and hopefully accomplishing more of the changes i have in mind for the place... specifically, talking with my boss and getting more of the job i am supposed to do handed over to me so i can started doing more of the job i am supposed to do...

and the changes... keep on...

narf :)

did i say good morning before i showed my ass?

oh please, you've been here before... it's the chocollate... the dew (as in caffeine and sugar)... the euphoric mood the drugs help induce that turns a good thing (like success at work) into a wonderfully babbly thing (like the last half dozen or more entries)... curious the cat likes to curl up under the clothes banging thing jackson uses to nhang our delicate clothes on... that's cuz she is used to hiding from dogs and little kids... curious, that us... jackson doesn't hide from dogs and little kids... much... anyway, never give up, never surrender, m'ok?...

by now i hope to be at work... even as 4:20 shows up on the digital dial and i imagine the altered mental state that used to be my favorite altered mental state so many years ago... did you ever notice that altered is alte-red, yeah, well did you ever wonder why red and not some other color?... anyway, i drank lots of water and hopefully fell asleep for a few hours and hopefully called the car rental place to tell them i wanted the car for another week and hopefully will come to my senses and go somewhere to buy a car that will cost one third or one fourth of the cost of the rental and we will all live happily ever after... all being the wallet and driver and me...

the butt is swaeting... the towel wrapped around the waist is thick... and it may be warm in this space... and i am standing, but that is because the butt was sweating when i was sitting wrapped in the thick towel with the hot laptop on my lap and curious leaning on the hot air side bring hot air back onto me... yeah, it's all curious's fault... and it's not just the butt that is sweating, by the way, but i do seem rather anally fixated today, i suppose...

oh yeah, good morning :)

nobody likes to talk about painful anal itch until it's gone

what?:... i mean, wtf?... lol... lam... laa... laa too (that is laughing out loud, laughing at myself, laughing at all, as in everything, and finally, laughing at ass, just in case you are not up on your little known anagrams, or whatever they are)... yes, so, it apparently was a reaction to the soaps, antibacterial primarily (soft soap) and then, perfumed body washes, and possibly too much washing with body... so yet another internet site suggested washing with only water and so i've been washing with only water for a few days and poof, there is clearing up of the itch (it wasn't painful too often)... calamine lotion helped too, which was my remedy... yeah, so now you know the ins and outs of this latest detail you probably did not want to know, but hey, this is the real, as in (e)thereal, in case you forgot...

i know, the babble can be distracting... i am probably sleeping now... hopefully... cuz i am trying to go to work a couple of hours later than usual which means i can sleep until 9:30 or 45, even... i'd like to get there by 11, since i didn't cancel the 11 o'clock meeting even though i should have... but sometimes it is challenging to cancel a meeting at 2am when you realize you are still at your desk and actually do not want to spend the night there...

i wish i was as tired as i was when i took the bottle of calms forte...

barf :)

and enter curious

curious the cat, in case you haven't been paying attention (it was an hour or so ago, in fact, that the cat called curious came to react with the hand that she loves and the rub-a-dub-dub and it's getting hot in wonderland)... yeah, so anyway, curious snuck up on me and startled me for the first time since she's been living here and she is rubbing on the laptop and on my hand and now that i started typing again after giving her some good rubbing, she's pressed up against my leg and sneaking rubs in on the back of my left hand as i am typing just hoping i will stop typing and continue the rubbing she loves... i also think she likes the warm blow of the computer fan as she is on that side, but that may just be coincidence as the bedroom area of the apartment that she comes from is on that side when she hops up on the couch...

and i was just about to get me some liquid... so i guess i am also getting me some cat treats or catnip or both... or getting curious some, since cat treats are not my favorite snack and there's not much of a high smoking caatnip... oh be serious, it's a cat's world, didn't you know?...

snarf... meow... snarf :)

into the night

song queue, if anybody gets it... a toronto tape might be a clue... maybe nobody will every find that clue, but it existed once so it's essence is out there somewhere... no matter can be created or destroyed, after all... or is that energy?... or is that just old science?... anyway, just getting home from work... yes, the work day started some 19 hours ago... or 20, perhaps... and i did have appointments scheduled for five hours from now, but rescheduled the morning i already did before i left... and took care of a dozen other tasks after the night shift thanksgiving party which was as expected, the night shift being the night shift, after all... for better or worse, most night shift workers have similar traits... having worked night shift on the floor like my people do, i know some things...

still, a whole lot of thank yous and a whole lot of deflections to the managers who did an amazing job of food preparation, set up, presentation, (in a catering sense), and clean up... i am proud of the three managers who worked very hard yesterday and today to put this together and also of the supervisors who pitched in to help... there is much hope for cooperation and improvement in an already very good crew...

and this is the uppers mentioned in an entry somewhere along the way today... three cans of mountain dew helped too... yes, the downers involved drugs (and biometrics and softball) and so did the uppers (and work success and softball... hey, i love to play even when the team is frustrating... see previous entries for details, i think)... and then, the turnarounds... this is the balance... i always turn around to see where i've ben so i can learn from it... from the downers i learn how downers effect my acceft and behavior and i figure out ways to redirect my energy and focus into more positivity and change for the better... the uppers tell me what works to get me up, even if what works is supposed to be bad for the body...

so i was depressed over the poor medical tests and i was (and am) euphoric about the sensory pleasures of food and drink and drugs and sharing positivity and good times with co-workers... and it was quite an up, down, turnaround day (all 20+ hours of it... and surely i ought to be sleeping, but the mountain dew has me slightly wired and thirsty for more and the world still spins around and i feel a whole lot better with chocolate and mountain do than i do trying to do what the medical profession wants me to do so...

into the night i wander...

coming? :)

it's a fag cop

whatever monty python might have meant by that, if it was even translated into us english properly, this entry is most likely not about it, but the irreverent meaninglessness of introductory asides that the python utikized as a comedic flimflam, well, that may be gainfully employed in this entry... i too, am gainfully employed, however i am still hardly working at/all today, so it's back to hardly working at'all i go...

leaving softball behind, that is... the last game of the season with this frustrating thursday night team... every week there have been no-shows that cost us and those who do show are often not really into trying to win... giving up running to first, giving up on catchable balls, and an infield that only sometimes fields balls cleaning when they are hit at a moderate pace straight at them... never mind the frequent throwing errors everywhere... or baserunning errors, often... or power hitters consistently making long fly outs, at least ten for every home run they hit... and, well, we lost again... run ruled... the other team hit, we fumbled and bumbled and folded... in the rain...

did i mention that once again there was an out right after my spot in the batting order because the gy in that spot did not show and the coach did not change the lineup?... so my two hits that scored two runs were the end of the two innings in which i batter and the top of the order lead off the next inning instead of bringing a rally around to the top of the order... 2 for 2 with 2 rbis feels good, but not so good is losing big because people do not show and coaching mistakes and errors on catchable balls and short throwing errors and wild outfield throws and power hitters flying out almost every time and so on and so forth and scooby dooby doo, where are you?...

so now i am headed to walmart cuz it's the only place open that sells really cheap dress clothes cuz the weather presented yet another snafu in a day that seems to be built on snafus (or is that snafii?) and i am wet and muddy (dear car rental company... please don't charge the writer of this blog an add-on cleaning fee... after all, i am renting the vehicle for another week because i was too busy this week to fix the old chevy and procrastination helped a little... better luck next week, wallet) and on my way back to work for the third thankgiving party of the day... hey, night shift deserves a party too...

and three of my managers did it up great... really above and beyond... must be rewarded...

it was not utopia, but it was a good thing we did...

hope the night goes as well...

uppers, downers, and turnarounders (drugs too)

yes, drugs too... so today was, well, sometimes the music just stinks, but face even the stinkiest music we must... or at least, i must... as in me... as in my stinkiest music... though today might not be my stinkiest music as perhaps a few dear sweet children in new york, toronto, california, and other places (even some unknown, perhaps) might testify (no, enough courtroom drama for one month, m'ok?), it was as stinky as the personal physical me-life gets as i faced the stuff about this body i have been ignoring while simultaneously facing the stuff about the medical profession i hate most (even though it's been my career) and suck it did, majorly...

so some parts of today really sucked (might be over-using that technical term, but harry would understand) and then again, some parts of the day i loved much more than most days... the suckage contained facing that recently eluded to music, the body and the medical stats... the bmi put me in the obese category... anyone visiting my facebook page can see i sometimes have a belly, but obese?... the medical industry is really sad because it uses stats like the ridiculously skewed bmi chart to deny people health insurance and charge more in premiums... anyway, i was 205 today... i've been 220+... i've been under 180... when i was under 180 people thought i was seriously ill... though i think i should be in the 180s, that still would be way overweight for the bmi for the height they measure squishinh the head piece of the height scale down to take away an inch... so i shrunk an inch in this measurement done by an insurance company who loses money if people score well on their stats... of course they cheat, it's business... it's not personal, it's business... and may they find a horse's head in their bed tonight...

meanwhile, i foolishly ate lunch just before doing my biometrics and my glucose was 144... the cut off was 140 so coincidence or cheating or not, i fail that discount as well... i was stupid, yes... other people fasted and i intended to fast but i attented an accounting seminar with the VP, CFO, CEO from my company and other companies and they served breakfast and lunch... i broke down and had some lunch... idjit... cost me $25 a month for the next year... a $300 plate of ok thenksgiving food and i don't even like thanksgiving food, but i must have given into the peer pressure of the brass... i suck, they suck, but most of all, the medical industry and insurance industry sucks...

and then there was cholesterol... i should have passed cholesterol since 200 was the cut off, but they said "but... your good cholesterol is low"... yeah, so?... my cholesterol is under 200, why add another criteria to the $25 a month discount?... oh, because it's a scam and you will do anything, lie cheat, kill first borns, to deny discounts like you deny claims (or used to before you lost the pre-existing condition loophole?) huh huh huh?... yeah, we know, crooks every one of them... coincidentally, they did not tell me what discounts i qualified for when i "checked out" of their little game (rigged for the house, and not my house, of course) of chance... i was in the middle of my very busy workday and of course that influenced the numbers...

did i mention my blood pressure was astonomical according to their machines which re-calibrated four times on a wobbly table that was being bumped by others during my check (a sneaky way of raising the outcome of a bo check any insurance nurse would know) so it was way higher than when i was re-checked in my office by a nurse using a cuff and stethescope... i was not a happy camper and not a pleasant patient, partly because of the condition of this body according to the norms of modern medicine, but more because i know the scam and let myself get played by signing up for it... so maybe i get $50 a month discount on my premiums, which are just over $100 a month (with the company paying almost $500 a month... it is good to be working), but at least i know i get a $25 discount for not smoking... though i might not say no to a joint right now even though i do not live in an intelligent state (the likelihood of that happening in my current circles is almost nil, so close to nil, i fart in it's general direction)...

all that and i consumed more than a dozen garlic tablets (that are not odorless) and six or eight or more calms forte (the downers i mentioned a long time ago in the title of this entry), which did nothing for my blood pressure but definitely slowed my metabolish and brain down... and after the insurance medical industry biometric check-up fiasco, i went to the house thenksgiving party (yes, two thanksgiving parties thrown by the company also having insurance health discount tests done on the same day... pretty slick business people, aren't they?)... and when i finally sat down at my desk to do some actual work, it was close to 4 or 4:30pm and i was zoning on the downers and i did not feel so good emotionally and had no mental energy... so i ate a bunch of chocolate and felt much much better...

so much for what the medical profession knows... and then i went to softball...

narfreaking day from hell!...

and so then i farted

coud have been the drugs... or the chocolate... or the really depressed mood that the biometrics were bring on... or the fact that i was way too busy doing other things to get to my work today so far (and more distractions ahead)... or facing the music of the bloated body (20 pounds is not obese! dangit!) and if i cared about myself i'd have lost 10 pounds, at least, in the past few weeks coming up to this biometric testing, but i care about my pleasures more... i ate and drank as i pleased... the heck with money or medical advice or life in the next century (or decade), i live and loved the moments... i'll tell you more later... when i am more or less grumpy, but likely more away... kind zoning on the calms forte at the moment... still at work, yup, but hardly working at'all... bzzzzzzzzzzzz...

and now, off to the second thanksgiving party of the day... party on, m'hearty...

biometrics and accounting and drugs (oh GAAP!)

gee toto, i don't think we're in kansas anymore... i wonder if modern economics is against the law there too... but this entry is not about the backwards educational systems in certain states that shall remain nameless, at least in this run on sentence, noooooo, this entry is about biometrics and accounting and drugs, i mean, in case you were sleeping at the title sequence...

yeah, so biometrics are coming up in a bit, but first we (my boss and i and other brass from other companies) went to a seminar on cost factors in managing facilities like the one i manage... i was second lowest on the brass totem pole in the room of six brasses getting tutored by our accounting firm, one was a cfo and another a ceo and another an accountant and another was an unknown and then there was my VP boss and i don't think they knew much more than i did about what was being taught even though their jobs depended on it much more than i do because they are supposed to be insuring the accounting is done for people like me... yeah, it's good to be an administrator... until the axe falls (administrators make for easy scapegoats when things go wrong for any company who employs the scapegoat method of responding to things going wrong... i am hoping this is not one of those companies, but only time will tell)...

so the morning was woozy... not so much due to the subject matter though, it was woozy cuz of the drugs... an herbal mixture sold under the brand calms forte as a sleep aid... yes, they recommend a tablet or two before bed... i took those... then another six or eight throughout the morning... it is preparation for the biometrics coming up when i get back to the house (facility)... i'd say wish me luck, but there's little luck involved... the game is rigged in favor of the insurance company who is doing the biometric tests to determine how much discount on premiums i get... yes, the fox is checking the hens for body mass...

life in the capitalistic dystopia...

narf :}

gotta face some music

not necessarily the music, but some music, no doubt... today the biometrics team does heir biometrics thing on me and we find out how old and sick this body might be as they measure four criteria and give me $25 a month off my health insurance for each criteria... if i make all four my health insurance is premium free (and just has deductables and co-pays)... unfortunately it is unlikely i will make all four... the four measures are (i think) cholesterol, bmi, bp, and smoking... i get one for sure cuz i do no smoke... the other three, well, we can hope but i doubt i will get bmi or bp... i don't like bp drugs, the side effects gave me my first pulled muscle ever and they cost more than the savings i'd get if i took the drugs and got the $25 a month so, i stopped taking the bp drugs several years ago... or more... and i have not had muscle issues since... the way i see it is the heart is a muscle and if the side effect of the drug is to potentially damage muscles and that side effect showed up for me, then the benefit of lowering bp is not worth the risk of damage to the heart muscle... medical science is so imprecise, alas... and the bmi, well, this body doesn't fit the norms of the bmi chart so... yeah, losing twenty pounds would be a positive thing for the body, probably, so someday perhaps... but it would not be today...

might meet the cholesterol criteria, depending on what that criteria is... at least i don't smoke, aye?... wouldn't mind a good joint now and then though... that would probably lower my blood pressure too...

hi ho, hi ho... narf :)

old friends, not bookends

thsat would probably have been a better title for the 15th since two of the people closest to me in my wayward youth were born on the 15th (happy birthday ray and barb) but it still rings true for today as dear shari is celebrating another birthday today and i remembered the date and here we are singing happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear shari, happy birthday to you... the wonder and sorrow of life is that falling in love is not nearly as powerful or long lasting as the devotion of friendship and i miss the games we used to play and the time we used to share hanging out in your basement or going places and doing fun things... i would like to share a park bench with you...

hope life is smiling for you today :)

sudden laundry

unplnned and disorganized, laundry gets done whenever it can these days... and certainly that is ground for a whole entry, right?... well, waiting for laundry to get done gives me time to either watch tv or write or clean or eat and eating is done cuz i want to eat super light so i had a can of tuna and a veggie burger and two small yogurts and watching tv will happen when jackson gets home and i am tired of tv so that leaves cleaning and writing and cleaning is laundry so i am not in the mood to do more than laundry and other internet stuff (which i didn't mention, aye?... and sleep?... yeah, well, as usual i ought to be but laundry, right, that's why i am writing... to stay awake until laundry is done) is not interesting to me at the moment (sick of the facebook and other oinline dramas and no interest in the news today), so here we are waiting for laundry to be done and saying hello...

hello :)

just getting home, another twelve hour day

yup, the days get longer as the days get shorter, or something like that... up before the sun, home long after dark, and loving almost every minute of it... the minutes i do not love are the moments i realize that i did not do some things like write and exercise and eat healthy and find the one and share more time with friends but there is so little time for thinking about those things that cuz i am so busy with doing professional job stuff that i love to do (helping others, organizing others, etc) that i am loving almost every minute of every day... it's a wonderful life... too short, but wonderful...

must find some food now... and rest... and sleep... you too :)

habits, part two

and then there are tools i use... for instance, the computer and operating system and browser and software... i am comfortable with ms office so even though i am not a fan of ms particularly, i use it... and i was very used to chrome, so readjusting to internet explorer is a pain in the brain, distracting me from free associative babbling because i actually have to think about which buttons to press and how to do things to get the browser to do what i want it to do... and there's windows, which has so many flaws, especially windows vista... and brighthouse, which has practically a blog of it's own full of meaningless complaints... and so many other things i just adjust to because, well, they are what they are... and they are here...

so getting up before the sun and getting to work early has become a habit in the last six or seven weeks... this morning, however, i am going in a bit later... nine-ish... kinda normal business hours... i wanted more sleep... i wanted to let the body digest and rest awake too... i wanted to come here and contemplate a bit... this is a habit i would like to reintegrate into my new working life habits... me time... me time is good...

make some you time for you today :)

creatures of habit

i guess we all are to some extent, but i can be very much so, especially when it comes to the things i do daily without thinking much... i accept what i want and adjust to the less desirable things, like living with a roommate... the primary reason i wanted a roommate was to cut expenses in half... but the roommate had to be very unique in many ways... i've had just a few roommates along the way... adding in relationships, i've only lived with five people (two at one place) in this life... two i slept with, three i did not, all required some serious adjustments required that ultimately lead me to move on to live by myself for a while... still looking for the better fit, though jackson fits well on many levels and we are best friends in a lot of good ways... we are mostly comfortable and happy, and comfortable and happy is good...

still, someday i would like to fall in love again :)

i said sleepness

and so i did... and am... the morning shall come early though, but perhaps i will not rush out as early as i have been for the past six weeks... have i been working six weeks?... october 7th, i believe, or something like that... so why do i fight sleep as the evening rolls into the night?... cuz the brain seeks more than the brain got during the day... more emotion... more intimacy... more lucid dreaming... more friendship... more caring, personal and one on one... more sensory stimulation... more cartoons (that is some sort of metaphor, no doubt lol lam)...

more cuddling and hugging and body contact too...

but sleep is good :)

sleepness

sweetness...

we coulda been a contenda

yeah, we coulda been one... oh, how very romantic, ya know?... but not even sex in haven can bring the magic moment back, alas, once cara mia was gone... got home early tonight, as the time stamp might suggest, and the world is upside down, sort of... hungry... tired... yet still bugged by the end of the world as we know it... feeling fine is not enough... so cheeseburgers and fries, provolone and havarti, tots and sweet... medium good...

this coulda been an entry...

no end in sight

sometimes i think about how life would roll out if i could put the $600 a month into a retirement account instead of paying for jackson's half of the monthly expenses... and the other few hundred i would save if i had a roommate that paid her way in food and everything else too... ah, but those are just the sensible thoughts of a normal selfish human, after all, and i've never really related to that human perspective... so moot points and all that, i will likely not have that easy retirement and i always knew it, really... there is always another child to adopt...

i know, it's a recurring thought... and another day begins...

narf :)

should i be paranoid when i am suddenly logged out of everything?

yes, so internet issues continue and i no longer use google crome because it will not allow me to searcg google or even access my google plus account or much of anything google-related... it's a consipracy, of course... and just moments ago, the internet told me to leave facebook (where i was visiting for the first time in many weeks, or at least a few) by suddenly logging me out and demanding that i log in to continue... i was in the middle of leaving a comment, no less...

life goes on... it was a very busy weekend and maybe i will record some of it here some time... when was i here last and so on, anyway?... i'll check when i am ready to catch up, i suppose... maybe tomorrow... at the moment it is way past any sensible bed time and i want to be awake and at work in 6 hours... which means awake and in my car in five and a half hours... which means awake and in the shower in five hours... or four and a half... in any case, i really ought to be sleeping (as usual)...

wish you were here, i could really use more help and support as i am striving to save the world and have stretched myself quite thin in the past month and few days, especially... curious is curled up asleep at my side, so i am not completely alone... and happiness is sprawled on his bed and occasionally snoring or dreaming... and jackson is zonked out in bed... see, paying all the bills and having jackson live here for free and loaning her thousands of dollars a year without any real thought of getting it back does have a few perks... yeah, i just have to laugh at the way life lays out sometimes...

you are not alone either, in case you forgot... i may be far awake, but i am here...

snuggle :)

internet issues

perhaps because i visited facebook for the first time in weeks... perhaps because i downloaded a picture in email... perhaps because i updated windows vista with "ten important updates" through windows update... and the local university, UCF, gave us a heart attack with the way they played the football game we watched... those are the changes that happened today... and as of now, i cannot search on google using google chrome... so here we are in internet explorer again... reluctantly... did microsoft force this by slipping some sort of malware into their latest updates?... i don't think it was the UCF game... who knows...

anyway, life goes on... i go away from the computer...

hope your day is fun too :)

more than a numbers game

so we about to hit the 60,000 mark in page visits or something like that (sumpin sumpin, sup?) and curious is rubbing all on me left and right like a cat who got tickled by some tiny yellow singing bird (wutup tweety?) and the world still whirls around (as does the hard drive which is working way overtime after a clean reboot which means that thindows vista is suckin up the power and drive reindexing again o9r something else is going on behind the scenes (hackin?... malware?... virus?... get out) when it par for the course for windows os, aye dog?...

wtf was that, you might ask much more eloquently than i deserve... well, what it is may be ascertained from assessing what it is not and what not, but i'll leave that for you to determine in your own sweet time (do do have some sweet time, don'tcha?)... in any case, i am home again, gittidy gitty gig... long day, way long, changing lives at work and court and helping people is a way of life at work and helping friends is a way of life at home and it's one of the fullest days of that sort of thing ever, or at least since they last one...

so what are you up to? :)

so happy birthday too (x2)

yeah, happy birthday too (times two) cuz i still think of you (un deux) and want to wish you well (oh swell) cuz i still love you so (yo ho)... oh no, not another pirate birthday song lol... life is so strange sometimes... rushing around through the day, busiest day in a year and a half or so, and the success rate is good, though the castle may fall, but humpty dumpty is still bigger than the wall...

and i wish you knew how much i want you to have a happy birthday
there's no way you could know how much i miss you but i do, yes i do
and i wish you knew how much i want you to live a wonderful life
every day along the way
i celebrate your birthday day
happy birthday barb
happy birthday ray
wishing you the best and the brightest wonderful birthday

even if it is the tree falling in the forest that you do not head, it will be here for you if you ever do get around to understanding and working as the team we all once were (way back in high school, no doubt)... no weak sauce around heeya (where?... where?)... i said here... love you :)

wishing for more

seldom actually gets you any more unless you do more than wish, but hey, dreamers are welcome too in out little menagerie and the attending whosis... tolk 'em though the crisis, don't panic, and make every moment and action count... the time keeps on slipping slipping slipping and the people line up for their piece of the pie (and i haven't had a piece in years, mostly, but that's the job i signed up for, maybe, and here we are all this way into it for fifteen years and then some and it's oh well, come back next week...

yeah, wishing for more...

no really, i mean it

see the last entry on this date if you don't believe me... loving memories is the best we can do when we are out of touch, but it's a whole lot better feeling to be loving friends... keep the home fires burning as the nights spring chill on the fall... i be caring about you, yo... you might never believe we were a corporation, as personalized the caring gets... but that we are and sometimes, the corporate offices want more than a brief update and sometimes they make more than an optional suggestion and even the one at the top has somebody to answer to (gotta serve somebody, yo?), so keep that in mind girls, the boys are not gonna make a move cuz it is not the policy of the management to be underwriting the status quo of the boy girl ratio in order to complete some nefarious rumor...

ok, i luv ya, by-bye :)

so we're on our way

and we don't know where we're going (where we going?)... the car, in it's infinite wisdom, started leaking a lot more fluid suddenly this week and more than ever yesterday, so i drove it to work this morning and watched the heat sensor continue climbing in spite of filling the radiator with anti-freeze and water a few times in the past few days (at least)... replace me, the car screams... and so, being of sound mind and body and late for court (a risk manager's work is never done, even when one is not a risk manager), i did the only prudent thing and took the car to the enterprise rental along the way and traded it in for a newer car... the differenced are so dramatic at times than those who have schedules reflecting...

running from the shadows, perhaps... certainly not fanmail from a flounder, but we will let you be the judge at least a time or two along the way... it's a black car and that's all i knew cuz i rushed the guy to get me in it and on the road in record time... even bypassed the insurance card which i would have gotten over the phone but i was disconnected and the guy said nevermind... good man, that, at least for me... shhhh, don't tell his boss man...

good ride, important date, the legal system is so sad...

narf...

oversleeping sucks

yeah, so the meeting i was suppose to attend started ten minutes before i re-awoke after pushing the snooze button on the phone alarm and oh well, the perfection has been destroyed... so much to do, so little time, and sleep finally won a battle... not too bad after a whole month and another week... so i rushin out a beddin and goin hell bent on making the next much more vital (not to mention way more important) meeting scheduled less than two hours from now (and wanted the time to get better prepared for it this morning, dangit)... yeah, i be bad...

sucking bad...

narf...

finally home again

softball after work with captain d's dinner in between... fried seafood, broccoli, fries, and dr. pepper... probably ate too much after not eating all day which caused some gastric bypass or something like that... had to rush to the bathroom in target after the game and it wasn't pretty, but hey, the body can be quite gross what with all it's waste production and removal needs, among other things... and so a shower and now, sitting on the couch with curious (cuz she seems to be getting in this habit of coming out to get petted and rubbed and then curl up next to me and nap as long as i sit here and i am not looking to break her of this new habit cuz it helps me remember (tangible proof) how sensitive and empathic and caring i can be and it's pure enough for an older (she's 12) feline to instantly sense and respond to (sadly, most humans are not as sensitive as curious)...

meanwhile, thursday night softball continues to be a relative fiasco... prayers before and after the game tonight, it being a church team in a not church league... nothing helped though... all twelve people showed up, including the one who seems to quit somewhere along the line in every game (and why they bat him first is a mystery, but then, the whole batting order is a mystery to me and the disorderly team is bringing my focus down more and more each week)... they bat me last or near last and always put in a runner for me and i have one of the highest batting averages on the team (even with stinking up the last few weeks) and i am far from the slowest runner on the team and some of the guys just don't seem to be on the same page... and we lost 18-14... a few game up at 14-11 and the errors (some due to not being ready warmed up and some due to just giving up and our shortstop really lets way too many balls get through)... but the team we played are full of excellent hitters and so, whatever...

it's more fun to win championships with players who don't give up... still, fun was found even through the fatigue... and now, as the tv tells me that the football game is over (go indy, i guess), i ponder (been doing a lot of that lately, aye?) my navel and next move (sleep would be good here) and as usual, that leads to some bullsugar again, as usual... jackson and the kids are asleep and i should be too...

nite nite? :)

still working

creating a 12-hour nursing schedule presentation in excel for the DON to present tomorrow, but i've got a feeling i will be presenting it as our DON has lots of growth and learning to do before she can win over the team of diverse and sometimes old school (as in know-it-all) nurses... working on it in between meetings and greetings and assorted other administrative stuff and hopefully i didn't miss much or make too many errors (can it be perfect?... perhaps) and now, time to rush through rush hour traffic (and maybe get some dinner, spending more money cuz i don't pack lunches or dinners), and probably gonna eat junk or at least junkish food cuz there isn't much healthy food easily found in the ghetto (and his mama cried) and that is where i must travel through to get from work to the field on thursday nights... skipped lunch again to continue working and meeting and working and just getting done with what is needed for early tomorrow morning so old habits die hard (or i might)...

still loving this job... imperfections and all... hope you are happy today :)

what's bullsugar?

no really, seriously, you do realize it's all bullsugar, right?... i mean, maybe not as bullsugary as all get out (oh, no, really?), but certainly mostly (sorta like mostly dead once was {you'll have to remember or search for that link yourself for now}, but on a more positive experience)... note the italicized emphasis slipping in between lines here, do you?... there is so much slipping between the lines... pushing pushing pushing, rawhide... or chronic anal itching, even... the point being, in case you missed it, is some people are obsessed with poo (poop poop pee doop) and i, thankfully, am obsessed with writing... sharing... caring... babbling... random asides... finding humor in everything... and utter nonsense... to name a few... all in all, bullsugar (not poo, in case you wondered)...

it's just cuz i like to read myself, it's a whole lot deeper than that, but some of us know that...

narf :)

pushing the mornings

up late last night, on my way to work now, still running later than i'd like (tomorrow i must go in an hour and a half earlier), but there were words to write and thoughts to ponder and when there is pondering to do, i'm your ponderer... they call me the ponderer, yeah i'm the ponderer, i ponder round and round and round and round and round and round and round, la la la (where've ya been?)...

i really must be going now... good morning :)

reluctant hero. naturally

of course i want to be a hero, superman, the savior of the world, beloved, unconditionally trusted, as loved and adored for being the embodiment of pure love as any god ever, naturally... practically perfect in every way, even... and of course that is why i announce my wonderful deeds to the world (well, some of them) under the guise of venting or whining or lamenting or grumping just so nobody things i actually want to be as invisible and humble and perfectly perfect as the most perfect being ever imagined cuz that would be so egocentric it could never be as purely perfectly perfect as perfect can be... so i must be crowned all that without ever mentioning it, without ever announcing myself as the ultimate wonder in any truly effective way, hence, the flawed methods i have employed in this and so many other public blogs that i have so carefully maneuvered into practically perfect obscurity over the years... only you, dear readers, have had the brilliant sensitivities and cleverness and random luck to find me, for your eternal grace and blessing... but of course you know all this so nevermind...

was it all a dream, was it all a dream?...

narf lol lam :)

write instead of sleep

more to the point, share instead of sleep... i'd rather share instead of sleep tonight so here i site and write and write because i want to share, because i want to share... and i don't care just what i share, but i do care and cuz i care i want to share because i care and i want to share with someone who cares because i want to care and share and be cared about (now we have me figured out?)...

so a 2am snack is what i choose, some black forest ham wrapped around a potato-spinach blintz with pineapple orange banana juice to wash it down... yummy yummy yummy, but then, almost anything is yummy when hunger comes at 2am... and now i might nod off or maybe i will write some more or maybe drink some more juice and let the sugar induce sleep...

maybe it is wanting to celebrate winning the championship, but wednesday nights are work nights now so going out to celebrate is not on the agenda these days and i don't play friday nights anymore... most of my teams don't celebrate anyway anytime anyway...

curious must sense my wanting as she sleeps curled up beside me...

some nights are like this...

narf :}

she's a curious cat

beyond curiosity, curious as in kinda puzzling... as i sit back watching dvr'ed episodes of elementary and i relate so well to the isolation of the character so intellectualized that curiosity replaces the passion of love and hope that truly knowing another human is worth the challenge of overcoming the fears and trials and baggage, i mean, who will really lick your scars?...

so her is curious, awake and wandering, climbing over my arms, not touching the keyboard or disturbing my hands, but rubbing against me hoping for some petting... i've apparently discovered just the way she likes it and she wants it every night, late at night when all wise working stiffs should be asleep... and i want to sleep, but i have these thoughts running through my head, something like a song you never heard somewhat haunting, like holmes (no shit sherlock)...

she's a curious cat, looking at me longing, rubbing her nose against my wrist as if she knows she should not interrupt my fingers yet she wants to be rubbed, she wants to be loved, so i pause to give her what she wants because she waits patiently by my side... and she rubs and walks away and turns and rubs and walks away and does it again and again like a dance until she curls up at my side and falls asleep... occasionally waking, reaching out for my hand, she watches my fingers type these words, furtive, as her eyes close again... independently dependent, such a curious cat...

la la la...

and just getting home again

long non-stop day learning more and more and taking care of business as well as i am able... several clear steps forward for the systems and place and corporate needs, and everyone appears to be happy with the progress... some big steps, some baby steps, some big baby steps, all forward so far...

and then rushing across town in bumper to bumper traffic with the car overheating to get to the playoffs... rush rush rush and the other team doesn't show up... so i went to get dinner and buy some warm clothes cuz a t-shirt was chilly as the temperature dropped into the 50s (it's 52 degrees now, that's about 11 celcius for my non-F friends)... yeah, not exactly t-shirt and shorts weather... of course spending money on clothes i have dozens of at home was a grump, but i played warm and comfy and ate hot soup and we are the champions my friends... against all odds as we only had nine players which meant an automatic out when the tenth spot in the batting order came up and we had a lineup error that game us another out so we had two automatic outs every nine batters... i had to pitch carefully as we were not going to score as many runs as usual and the team we were playing had just won big like 16 to 9 in six innings so they were warmed up, revved up, and high on confidence... we played seven full innings and won 11 to 3, so i did my job and the top seven batters did their job (i went 2 for 3, but an auto out before and after me left me stranded... i did knock in two runs though by beating out two infield grounders... yes, beating out two infield grounders)...

the championship t-shirts are medium quality and an off burnt orange, but hey, yay for winning...

and now, rest, eat, shower, rest, sleep... early and long day tomorrow...

narfeggio :)

the loneliest man in the crowd

all through the day, all the lonely people rush through busy busy lives in competition for a prize that doesn't mean a thing in the bigger picture, no matter how you color it in, all through the day, all the lonely people rushing past each other as if nobody is there yet smiling as if they wanted you to care in a world that calls true love the greatest high, the people still live by i me my i me my i me my...

what nobody asks but everyone wonders aloud, what is it like to be the loneliest man in the crowd... the answer, my friend, is still blowing in the wind... but nobody listens to the silence anymore...

the silence will tell you...

running late without running

alas, wanting more sleep is a sucky way to wake... getting the extra ten or twenty minutes is a sucky way to start the day, especially when it sets everything back... and then there is the extra time to feed the kids and walk happiness and instead of getting to work when i planned, i am late... and i have two softball games to play tonight, semi-finals and a championship game if we win the first game, so i need to leave work early... so not setting a good example and so not taking care of myself, but this is who i am, taking care of everybody else feels so good i push my limits, still, even after all these years... and tired as i am, it still feels good...

no worries, i stop when i truly hurt... so i won't take a lunch break and i will speed to work carefully and i will be there to take care of all the others there... and my time to do my thing at work will wait until lunchtime and tomorrow... cuz somebody's gotta save the world, right?...

such a silly savior, la la la, narf :}

some time around this time

what i said about falling asleep in the previous entry apparently happened... i vaguely remember waking and poor happiness was wide awake looking at me as if he was going to explode... he went out before i fell asleep around seven or eight or so, but is used to a later walk and so i stumbled out with him and sure enough, there went my night warm cozy sleep... both he and curious were ready for morning... i was ready for bed... why i don't have pets of my own, i feel too much, even when i sleep... we compromised, i went to bed... doesn't feel good to ignore them, but i am learning to be human...

broken sleep is better than no sleep...

grump :}

fat-igue

yes, feeling fat... even though all i ate all day was a salad, i was feeling fat before dinner... dinner was snacks, baked snacks... what the rich call orderves... i know, hors d'oeuvres... whatever... yummy... lobster balls, crab rangoon, and feta with caramelized onions... yummy... and pineapple orange banana juice... piroulines for dessert...

not sure what happened next, but i think i slept some...

narf :}