completely forgotten time

whatever i did this night, two fridays ago, i do not recall... the memory of the time that may be somewhere in my head, but it apparently slipped past long term memory and slipped into subconscious or unconscious or something like that... either that or it never made it out of there to here or there or wherever memories go when they are remembered... it's really was no miracle, what happened was just this... the evening came to pass and whatever happened happened and it could have been so much fun that it was too wonderful to remember or something might have happened to change what might have been but whatever happened we lived through it and it left no scars... softball was cancelled due to the holiday weekend, i remember that (quite suddenly, just now, whenever now might have been)... and i probably went for a walk, cuz i've been doing that a lot... it was fun, cuz it's fun to be... i don't think we were on mars though...

anyway, no total recall happening here, move along...

narflol :)

on my feet

i continue to push the body (and back) by standing most of the time i am awake, at least until the evening... and i continue the speed walking (not quite jogging yet, i'll give it another few weeks i think... the body blog has more details)... but i continue progressing and i have found the first glimmer of remembering what it takes to be in good physical shape, as in how long and how much work that takes... months, at least, before i can even begin to assess what i might be able to do at this age and how much has been lost in the years playing with fitness as opposed to taking it seriously... perhaps this time i will slide back into playing (or even vegetation) as i have all the other times in the last few years... hopefully not...

balancing the limits of pain with the line that if crossed, there is injury is not easy but that is the requirement of serious fitness... overcoming the boredom and loneliness of the routine takes focus and self-discipline that i haven't been willing to put together in my head for a few years... avoiding the traps everything, the distractions of a culture bent on self-destruction and the absence of anyone who understands the process (the vast norm is to do anything to avoid it)... and all the other blah blah blah...

just continue, aye? :)

cooking takes time

it is so very much easier to just pick up ready-to-eat prepared food from outside and when that is not in the budget, the limited time pressure to cook and eat healthy becomes even more challenging and frustrating and it is a self-destructive loop that poverty can create.... it becomes a habit to just grab easy pre-processed foods that contain poisons which increases weight, makes us even more tired, and less productive and that is a downward spiral and becomes a very challenging habit to break... this is life for the vast majority of people who are just barely aware of how it happens, no less that is is happening to them... and i am not immune to the pattern...

so after enjoying the luxury of free time for a half a year already, the gradual changes have finally taken hold and i seem to be actually changing that pattern this month... i cooked chicken with onions and garlic and brocolli today... that'll be four meals, two for jackson if she comes home and wants some... and i will keep my eyes on the food sales and buy more that i can cook at home as the sales pop up... hopefully this new pattern continues...

good morning

after downloading mail for two or three hours yesterday (i mentioned email in recent posts, complaining, of course, but somewhere in my head there was a pop up reminder to check mail cuz there was something i wanted to remember about the one person i actually do converse with in email, occasionally, or once every few years), i completely fell off the train of thought that was streaming into the station at the start of this sentence as i opened the email software and found a response from the one person i just referred to in the parentheses to the email i sent yesterday after forgetting about email for a month and wrote a response to that which lead me somehow to switch channels on the tv that jackson was watching all morning cuz the sports news was repeating for the third time and i found myself catching a moment of this guy and his great idea on the daily show as if the universe was sending me a vital message and while i feel confident that additional entries will be written and inserted before and after this one on the blogging timeline of this blog, that is why i find myself here wondering why i came here in the first place...

good morning :)

madness makes progress

just when you thought you knew how far my madness had progressed... i decided it was time to do this... i know, it's a ridiculous waste... of time... gross too, i suppose... perhaps it is genuinely a science experiment as i could possibly photograph often and record what i ate the previous 24-48 hours that influences the appearance... we won't be judging texture or composition beyond what can be visually observed, though odor could be recorded before it is flushed... and most likely this will be a momentary idea that turned into a blog that was somehow quickly forgotten, but hey, it's a grand idea, aye?...

why are you looking at me funny? :)

not completely lost

but not completely remembered either... in fact, mostly lost... i know i spent a couple of days out of the next nine days wandering around stores with harpo as he has a costco membership and i spent almost $300 there when i was just going in to look around and there was the day i did the same thing at publix cuz they had some good sales on stuff i can store (pasta and bottled/canned foods) and there was another day i was out most of the day for some other reason, but mostly i did not keep track of the next nine days except for the casual mention of whatever might have been going on in the next several dozen entries that were written during the next nine days and sat in the notepad file waiting to be uploaded (and more than a dozen entries were lost in a blue screen crash, one of the reasons i was away from the computer and not online the next nine days, though not the primary reason... the crash and word loss just extended the time away from the net, but the rambling continued)...

yeah, so anyway, except for a few entries already in place (and can you spot those, i wonder?), here come a flood of entries written over the course of the next nine days but uploaded in a matter of hours none days from the time date stampe of this entry... for whatever that is worth...

did you miss me? :)

ok, another catch up session begins

yes, starting here, starting now (whenever now might be), the catch up begins... there are just a few entries currently uploaded for the next nine days and by the time this massive uploading session is done, there will likely by six dozen or more... it just happens (and by the time you find and read this entry, happened this way something... because somebody might want more... because somebody might wave back... because somebody might want to know... and because i might want to leave something behind... i mean, what do i have to lose, after all...

drawing patterns on the table top...

if the player above does not show/work, click here to listen to song

life is not tv

ok, life is online too... and i almost completely forgot about it... yeah, i opened email and found a few (of the hundreds, thousands, even) of interest including a twitter notification that one of my followers, a writer i enjoy reading, is on a 60-day tour of somewhere with her boyfriend and they have a travel blog and to prove it... cool people, definitely cool people...

the email is still trying to download... it somehow crashed twice so far and kaspersky crashed too, so maybe it's a kaspersky issue... again... the automatic scanning/freezing/crashing issue seems to have been resolved, but since kaspersky never responded to me i wouldn't know except that the auto-scanning has not happened in a week or so... anyway, an hour later, still trying to download mail... four unexpected errors:

Your server has unexpectedly terminated the connection. Possible causes for this include server problems, network problems, or a long period of inactivity. Account: '(me)', Server: 'pop.gmail.com', Protocol: POP3, Port: 995, Secure(SSL): Yes, Error Number: 0x800CCC0F

yes four times... and each time the download of emails starts back at the beginning... and three kaspersky crashes... any wonder why i avoid email?... not to mention the potential for depression if i actually look at the job search emails, cuz the market sucks so much in this area and my field... anyway, i was having fun until i started trying to make the email program work... it will not stay open long, that's for sure...

but there is an email i really want to respond to so i will go there now...

narf :)

healthy food, tv softball, life

spending the afternoon munching on healthy foods and glancing up at the women's college softball world series (more on my babbling about that here, though don't expect a play-by-play, just random observations (like the washington team seems to recruit in hawaii a whole lot) and half-hearted predictions (like oklahoma sweeps), perhaps... like i noted that pitcher's nerves were all over the first game and the second game starts off even worse with the star pitcher for #2 florida walking the bases loaded then walking a run in and being taken out of the game and the second florida pitcher having issues as well... once again the sec seems to unfairly dominate thanks at least to weather and i can't help but wonder if they cheat, at least in recruiting, roster size, and financial aid like the football programs do... yeah, i said it...

i am surprised the pitchers are allowed to touch their hair so much, especially the ones with ponytails because it's rare to play with a ponytail and not have some hair gel or grease on the hair... anyway, tennessee blew their big change to blow it open in the first by swinging at bad pitches and letting a pitcher with control issues off the hook, especially in the first inning, is the most frequent mistake batters make...

speaking of healthy foods and related body thoughts, or weight, for that matter, i really don't trust electronic measuring devices much... the app that measures my speed walking and jogging shows definite signs of inconsistency and imprecision... and the scale in the bathroom said i was 213 with i woke up, 211 after i pooped, and 208 after i walked... losing five pounds of water and poop in three hours?... well, that's what the scale said... can we trust talking scales?... anyway, being under 200 by the end of june is a reasonable goal, but 190 might be pushing the weight loss to unhealthy levels... 180 by the end of the summer, perhaps, if i am really diligent, careful, and disciplined... and lucky... and the scale likes me...

it's all meaningless speculation, wishful thinking, and idle prophesy in the end... just take it day by day, step by step, pound by pound, sit by sit... so leaving the number games behind for now, back to the florida tennessee game... hope you are enjoying whatever you are doing to pass your time...

sitting again

ok, sitting for the first time today... using the recliner with the hope that it will provide more back support than the couch... so far brief sitting (less than a minute) has not created the extreme pain that was felt sunday through tuesday... so we shall see what happens after a half hour of sitting here... i am staying in touch with the back and the posture more... and i will try not to get lost in anything (softball is on tv and the internet is in front of me) and forget to move and stand within each hour... i still think it is the pressure from belly caused by the weak core that is hurting the lower back... i must unpack and start using my muscle stimulator while sitting... and i must start picking up with weights again... and i must continue walking and start the jogging - hopefully in the next 30 days... under 200 pounds by the end of the month?... 190?...

one sit at a time...

narf :)

counting, but not counting

i don't know how many times in the past couple of weeks i put on the running shoes and took this body out for a speed walk, but i know i am recording a lot of stats about it in the body blog and i am considering signing up for an account on the workout tracker website so i can upload the stats right from the phone, but i am going to wait until i start actually jogging daily which will be a couple of months, at least... i think...

anyway, i did return to walking this morning and the body survived, the back is ok, not great, but ok... and i will do my best to keep in close touch with the body, especially the back, moment to moment today... it was a decent walk, stayed under 7 minutes per lap and averaged 5 mph for the five laps... as much as the stats provided by the workout tracker may be more imprecise than i'd like, the numbers game is still fun and incentive for me to continue... anything that works, ya know...

by the way, this is the 4,700th entry in this blog...

narf :)

another morning

and waiting for the phone to charge a bit before i head out for a walk... the back is stiff, but no major pain... i can feel it when i bend, stretch, or stand from a seating/laying position, but i shall walk and see how it reacts... could have used more steady sleep, but got a 4 and two 2 hour cycles in... happiness is not happy with his dry food, but he will eat when he is hungry enough and dry when he feels like drinking... i will add water and a treat as i used to and see if that works for him (the treat stimulates his appetite and the water gives the dry food more of a canned texture and also gets more water into him, which is very necessary for his health)... he had a stream of bright red blood last night after peeing and his urine definitely has more blood in it than he had a couple of weeks ago... squeezing when he is dry to mark territory does that to him... guess i'll just ignore it from now on... like i'm trying to ignore his tail... i spent $40 on bandages and stuff last time and just can't put more savings into that now... bleeding my savings dry is not going to help anybody... alas, should i hope jackson has rent money for me this month... shhhh, keep the peace... what can i do, after all... the back definitely didn't like picking up his poop this morning... focus, exercise, stop the helpless act and whining... yeah, that's the ticket...

narf :}

wanna sleep

well, the sweet dog of happiness is not cooperating, but napping on the couch is still wonderful (until he wakes me)... he still had no poop when i took him out again (he's definitely giving my back bending exercises not otherwise planned) so he's stuck till morning... i am going to bed, closing my door, and hoping to sleep through the night... the body needs that, especially the back... after all, even the science channel doesn't have enough interesting stuff to keep me awake (i've fallen asleep four times tonight listening to it lol... should have gone to bed a lot earlier when sleep called)... i know, it's my sensitivity level that causes these situations... it is not easy for me to ignore when i feel... it is not easy for me to ignore anything or anyone hurting...

click to listen to song

nite nite...

stubborn dog

refusing to eat is his tactic to try to get something other than dry food... last year when for a while i was buying him food and paying some of his three-figure vet bills, but that was also when jackson was giving me a bit more toward rent... that's how he got on the wet food habit... it's best for his kidneys to get him to take in more fluids... he's peeing more blood and scratching to the point where he gets two zyrtek a day and still has a raw, bruised, sometimes bloody tail from his chewing... he's not drinking as much water, that's for sure... he wants out all the time now (more than ever) i guess cuz he's also used to being outside a lot more cuz he gets to go out in sanford's backyard... he's refused to poop today and i am not enjoying his pulling on his leash cuz it got me twice twisting my back... he just woke me from a sweet nap on the couch... am i grumpy?... a bit, more frustrated with his condition and habits (and jackson still not being financially responsible enough to take care of him, no less pay rent or anything)... i hate being mean to him and i feel his need for more fluids (i know what kidney issues feel like kidney)... meanwhile, i hurt my back bending and fighting with him to give the pill to him tonight, but i don't want to wake to a bloody tail (or carpet) in the morning... i must not let this be a setback for my schedule and changes... i don't want to hear he's just a dog, but... being me is not always fun when interacting with humans and their pets...

let's try this again...

narf :}

did we catch up yet?

oh, yeah, in case you didn't notice, thirty-three entries were uploaded last night... not that we're counting... it feels really weird that the stats say there were 167 (so far) entries uploaded here in the month of may and i feel like i've been so away and uninterested in writing or anything online... but then, the hunger to share and the dreams that keep me coming back to the writing are still as alive as ever inside even though i am not as hopeful as i've been about actually sharing with a human in this life... hey, even when hopes wanes, it's continuing to do it (sharing and reaching out) that counts... so here we are...

not much going on... resting the back while still staying on my feet walking around (nine hours now) and i think i'll be ok to speed walk in the morning... though i still need to be careful bending or getting up from a non-standing position... i want to just let myself fall asleep, but happiness has not pooped yet on his walks so i can't go to bed... not good for the back or the weight loss or health, but it's his and jackson's schedule again, not mine...

at least i had delicious food today :)

don't stop believing

no real clue why i am hearing the song, but the energy is good today and the music in my head is happy... even though i skipped the speed walk (yes, i figured it was accurate to call a 5mph walk a speed walk... even the internet says so, not just the internet, but wikipedia, which must make it true... i suppose i ought to read up on it to avoid injury and know the best ways and equipment and so on, but anyway, until i start jogging again, i speed walk... it seems less pretentious than power walk, ya know?) this morning, i have been on my feet the entire day )that's six hours to far) and walking from the kitchen to here to outside and back over and over (like every ten minutes) so i am not being lazy, just trying to give the back some rest... the standing is putting a stain on the back, but the back is much better than yesterday and the day before and i intend to walk tomorrow morning so right on right on and i ought to body think this...

food was delicious and now there's a few health meals in the fridge that were not there when i woke up and that gives me more variety and a better chance of eating light the rest of the week... happiness is still staring, pouting over the food (dry only) in his bowl... i guess jackson has decided to change his diet without telling me... or else she's just spending her money on other stuff... rent is due this week and i've spent way way way more this month than last month or the month before (january and february were expensive cuz of the move and moving in costs i covered completely)... last year i was buying him food but i just have to draw a line this year... this month i've been buying human food, but except for the fresher foods i bought for myself and for jackson and the lunch foods i bought for her, the majority of the food will last a couple of months... lots of pasta, ya know... no spending for the next few weeks at least and enough thought energy wasted on money... back to taking care of the happiness (me and the dog)...

you know, if loving me is wrong, i don't wanna be right, so i'm loving me today...

narf :)

cooking

my own particular recipe for what might resemble babaganoush, though mine is a bit chunkier (at least before it's recooked) and has mushrooms... basically, it is slightly fried but mostly stewed onions, mushrooms, and eggplant... with some garlic... the combination of flavors is so yummy to me i don't need to season it, but i vary the seasonings to make it a variety of dishes much like one might vary the seasonings of humus... hot, salt, sweet, nutty, many different flavors make it different every time and it's low in calories as a side dish or a base for a protein... the only drawback is, to make it right, it takes hours... like five or six hours, cuz it stews and simmers and blends all the flavors and becomes a texture like babaganoush, though this time it has some larger chunks of eggplant and mushrooms to give it the perception of more substance (cuz my goal to reduce calories is at the forefront of my cooking these days)...

and then i unpacked the ninja thing , the master prep... my aversion to cleaning things that prepare foods was overlooked after i used the slicer thing to slice the onions and i decided i would hope the dishwasher doesn't hurt the appliances after i used them... and i made tuna salad with the ninja cuz i like tuna salad that is more finely blended (not pureed) thank can be made by hand chopping... and soon there will be yummy low calorie meals in the fridge for the next few days...

how are you enjoying your day (hoping you are, but if not, hope it gets better soon :)

read more sci-fi

only for a moment then the moment's gone, these are fleeting thoughts of some icons of science fiction writing that came to mind as the Prophets of Science Fiction series played in the background on the television... and if your mind stills thinks science fiction is a small niche of literature, here is something that might change your mind... anyway, for the moment (quite momentary as i might have spent three minutes writing the words), this are the thoughts the series and my memories of the writers and their stories inspire... eventually maybe i will throw a whole lot of links into this brief perception...

in the absence of well made (or even any) films to watch to get into the stories of the slightly mad minds known as science fiction writers, i really ought to read more... H.G. Wells was pure genius... Isaac Asimov was brilliant scientist exploring a myriad possibilities along a narrower band of reality-based science fiction... Robert Heinlein channeled Walt Disney and Adolph Hitler and a bit of Nostradamus, rebel borderline paranoid libertarian sociologist projecting his fears and dreams to as many landscapes as he could imagine... he pushed the limits of human behavior into a social experience the way Asimov pushed the science... Philip K. Dick was a paranoid drug user, a child of George Orwell's 1984, projecting paranoid possibilities into somewhat reasonable social paradigms based on the aspect of human nature that seeks control over others and everything... like most paranoid humans (and many are), he was susceptible to any number of imaginary and/or delusional influences that became fodder for his stories... Arthur Clarke took Asimov's path through the science to explore the possibilities...

tbc?... hope so, there are many parts of my brain that would like to make time to explore more science fiction again... in fact, devoting time to that could easily lead to a blog about the reading (as i tend to have some ideas some might call, ummm, strange?... someday... somewhere... somehow...

narfinity :)

waking smiling

of course it is so simple (and of course we have our differences), but even if nobody understands there is still a bridges that can be built and traveled to communicate peacefully and happily... all we have to do is want to... if some one does not want to, though, they are a fly in the ointment, a burr in the saddle, a wall in the path, a disease in the heart... my hope is everyone finds the heart within and rather, each one of us make the decision, each one of us chooses to understand choose to understand that love is the answer (you've got to let it go)...

for Chrome and others who can't hear the music, click here to listen

nothing fascinating here, move along

lol, it is truly amazing what a little sleep can do... and sensory memory... love, love, love (all you really need)... yes, for happiness (the emotion, not the dog, though that is all the dog needs too), love is all you need... and when you have happiness, you have everything for happiness leads to everything... all we need, that is... and the difference between need and want is the key understanding to actualize the key, the secret, the essence, the magic of life... humans occasionally touch on this understanding and someday, we'll all understand...

for Chrome users and others who can't hear the music

and the best we can do

writers and prophets

Walt Disney, Robert Heinlein, Adolph Hitler, Nostradamus... Jesus?... the good, the bad, the ugly, the myth, the legend... three four of the same dream, four parts of the same sphere... Disney focused on the good in people, the childlike innocence, a conformity of goodness, the joys, and he attempted to enable them... Heinlein explored both sides of human nature attempting intellectual freedom... Hitler focused on the dark side of humanity, the flaws, attempted to eliminate them... Nostradamus and Jesus are icons representing prophets of the dark and light...

so much can be explored along these paths, but for now, i leave you to ponder what you will...

narf :)

sleep is calling (finally)

sleepy head, go to bed, la la la la la la said... yeah, sorta caught up now... light weight stiff... nothing to write home about... and whatever... sleep...

more tomorrow, probably...

narf :)

unreclined

yes, i have determined, after leaving the recliner for the past few weeks (at least), that the recliner cushion is no longer comfy... no longer cushy... no longer soft and fluffy and so on... alas, i believe i burnt it out sitting in it for so many hours over the years, especially the past year or so... it would not be wise to spend savings on new furniture though (oh, and to my millionaire and billionaire readers, feel free to send comfort ideas, creative thoughts, cards, donations, and winning lottery tickets to PO Box 780398, Orlando FL, 32878), so i am going to shop around for the right cushion to make the recliner more comfy again and relax on the couch or love seat more...

wouldn't it be nice...

narfly :)

resting today

kind of like most every day until the past ten days, sort of, but more than rest i am keeping my back still most of the time while stretching so it doesn't just become totally stiff... it makes sense for the moment, so let's not read into the whole process or why today is passing this way... part of the pain is the body burning fat from fat cells... that makes sense for the moment, so let's not read into the whole process or go jumping on any scales just yet... eating light, sort of... lots of little bits of this and that... ate the leftover ribs... and a few bites of macaroni salad... and two yogurts... and some cashews and raisins... must go for greens next... that's it since the afternoon meal at the cookout yesterday, so it seems reasonably light... it makes sense for the moment so, you know...

what are you doing today?...

staring is back

yup, the incredible staring dog is back and begging for the usual, outside, attention, food, and scratching (not necessarily in that order)... and all this time he was gone i didn't even go to the computer to upload words or wander cuz the feeling just wasn't there... most of the time i just stare back or ignore but every now and then, like when i am trying to find something in my head (like concentrate), he can be quite distracting... he's ignored his food all day (just dry food... so he's rebelling by not eating... hopefully he won't get sick cuz at his age sudden drastic changes in diet are not usually recommended)... and every time i go to the kitchen he's on my feet begging... and since i am eating little bits every couple of hours instead of bigger meals, the stare digs in big time...

he's still a loveable dog though...

ok, take a break

the back is much better this morning but there is the memory of hour immobilized i was for most of yesterday which is completely counter-productive to continuing to be active and dropping more weight (especially the belly), so i decided today was a rest day for the running path (that is, the path back to being a runner) and focus all of my energy on recovery mode... hopefully later today or tomorrow morning i will be back on the road... part of me says just walk through it, at least lightly, and see how it feels later... but with the excess belly weight pulling on the lower back, i am using logic instead of instinct (after all, i have too much gut as it is, nyuk nyuk) and taking a break for this morning, maybe for 24 hours...

heal me sleep

with hope i lay down carefully on two pillows to stretch the arch of my upper my back a bit, let my head fall back further than 180 degrees, and provide a bit more arch support to my lower back... and the hope is that the sleep will heal the back muscles and the body so that some walking can happen tomorrow, though i intend to keep the pace much slower than the near or beyond 5 mph i've been keeping the past 9 days... rest is necessary...

just when i want to catch up

the tightness in the lower back had me immobile when i got home, so i laid down with pillows under my spine and remained as still as i could and i fell asleep for an hour or more, but woke when jackson got home cuz i wanted to spend a little time with her even if it was flat on my back... we laughed and talked and watched the cubs win and watched some of the san antonio clinching game until she fell asleep and now, i am sitting in the recliner trying to be as still as possible while i type some words cuz i have been away from the keyboard for almost two days and all sorts of brilliant ideas and clever writing might be lost to oblivion if i don't come to the keyboard to release the magic if the mind into words and record it all for you...

cuz ego just loves to mock me, ya know, even when it hurts...

and it really does hurt tonight lol...

narf :)

slipping

well, i knew the party was coming so i shouldn't be surprised that i was tempted by chips and barbecues meats and soda and all that... i could have bought a fruit platter, but jackson asked for chips... i could have brought something lean to grill, but i didn't want to be the only one eating something different and they bought cheese brawts... i didn't have to eat the chips, but... i did drink only water... and we did have fun, in spite of my back aching... the lower spine stayed tight all day and various muscles were cramping (thigh, groin, right hand, left neck - the ones that are used most), but then, what did i expect pushing it as i did this morning... hopefully it'll be better tomorrow...

one step at a time

and as long as i am walking, no problem... it's when i sit and then want to get back up that the stiffness sets in and there is near debilitating pain in the lumbar vertebrae if i move just the wrong way... too much being asked of those muscles back there when the rest of the core is not holding up it's part... all the years of allowing imperfect alignment of the spine and lazy posture will not change overnight... i've just got to walk through it, be careful sitting and getting up from the sitting position, strengthening the core, and dropping the extra weight...

all by myself, la la la la...

narf :}

pushing the back

>woke this morning feeling tightness and cramping in my lower back... it's the crippling kind of pain that comes when i push the running or walking too much too soon, especially when the abs are weak and the belly is bigger than the back should have to hold up... so the back is demanding more help from the abs and it definitely has my support there... i stretched and headed out to see if i could do my walk today and after the first lap i was cruising along a few seconds faster each lap and i completed eight laps... i may pay for it the rest of the day, but no excuses, i must continue this newly energized daily exercise habit... i will walk slower...

narf :)

more and less lonely

not lonely, more or less, but actually simultaneously more and less lonely... the reason for that is the reawakening of the physical body creates a hunger for touch, comfort, attention, and sharing and yet, the awakening also presents the body as it is and i have practically no desire to share it as it is... a few months, maybe... hopefully it will survive this reawakening...

hug :)

falling asleep

yup, another saturday night and i decided to skip the parties going on in several places all day and at the moment cuz i am focused on strictly avoiding party foods and human influences this week and i also partied myself the past two days and have not slept and blah blah blah blah blah and i find myself falling asleep on and off during the nba games (cuz they are so skewed by the referee bias and/or incompetence or both) and the head is empty, uninviting, absent of creativity or inspiration, so focused on changing physical habits that the tension can be cut with a knife... not aided by lack of sleep, i shall let myself sleep as much as possible, but even sleep is waffly... the body is going through some painful changes and it takes a lot of energy and concentration to maintain life signs... or something like that...

nite nite :)

away from the computer again

yes, skipping sleep started the process of being too tired and lazy to stand at the computer and tap the keys and then the pigging out added the distraction of yummy food and hormones and energy without much mental focus so the tv and all sorts of odds and ends occupied the time away from the computer... and when i do stop by there is a definite lack of creative juices probably because i am pressing the body to it's limits once again and the brain energy is focusing on rebuilding and on ignoring the current pitiful condition of (shhhh, ignoring it remember)...

i appreciate you missing me... i appreciate you putting up with my distracted uninteresting babble... i appreciate you loving me even when i am not clever... i appreciate you checking in even when i am away from the computer...

i appreciate you :)

yay for another new app

yes, after running the app during my walk today, i am excited... like the free navigator that saves me th money i would have spent on a gps for the car, this app saves me the money i would spend on a wrist-gps-chronograph.... at least for now... the primary drawback is having to carry the phone... there is also the distraction of making laps... i imagine even a wrist model would need to be told when i lap, but it might not take unlocking the screen to do it... exploring the features, it has a gps that maps the precise route i run so specifically, every lap shows up as a different line on the map because i don't take the exact same path/steps each lap... so not only do i get a map, i get an exact measurement of distance and time, mph, and other stats...

there is a way to log into the app's website to upload the data, analyze it further, and connect with others walking, jogging, running, or cycling in the local area at a similar pace... this may be explored further when i get past the initial body-shock and i am ready to share the exercise experience... until then, the app gives me all i had been recording using the stopwatch app and then some...

games on the phone

getting a message that jackson played words with friends i checked in and played a words for 55 points to take the lead... she doesn't win that game much, but she shows me she loves me by continuing to play it... she beat me last game we played so maybe she's getting better... mentioning i was ill and down seems egocentric, but it is true... then i checked ruzzle which she calls "our game" cuz she doesn't play it with anyone else (probably cuz she doesn't have time)... there she wins about 25% of the time... again, it's her way of saying she loves me so we continue cuz she wants to and it's good brain exercise for the language and eye perception parts of the brain...

anyway, last week, being bored by the nba playoff script and still saving money by not going out much and having no softball friday night, i decided to start playing random players and it became addictive and before i knew it i had about 50 games going at once, or about fifty random players in my phone... by yesterday i was getting bored, even though i found a few players who were a good challenge and one or two i did not win against yet (one i mentioned somewhere beat me 14 times... she will improve my game)... this morning, while cooling down from the walk, after i explored the new , i checked in there too and i caught up on the games in progress... one of these days i will record my won-lost record (i remember it was 80-20 when i hit a hundred games but then it was something like 100-30 when i hit 100 wins cuz i started playing the random people) and other stats cuz, as you oughta know by now, i love stats... i achieved more than 60% of the achievements the game tracks... since some are dependent on facebook, twitter, and other social apps and i refuse to use those (even though they are locked in on my phone draining the battery) so i won't get those "achievements"... loving stats and not caring much about winning anything after the competition is over lets me accept the stats without any personal judgment, helps me love them even more...

anyway, that's what i did the past hour or so, besides catching up on entries... hope you find fun too and if you want to play either game, i am riccandor on ruzzle and words with friends... i only play in english because i am too ignorant of other languages to even complete minimally but i will try anything with a smile if you want to teach me...

are we having fun yet? :)

sports tracker app

yeah, so i took a walk anyway... just slightly insane, maybe a bit more living on the edge than is sensible at the advanced age of a hundred a fourteen... see, i just found a new sports tracking app on the phone (hoping the battery can handle it)... it holds some promise, but i don't want to get too excited about it... it seems to provide all the stuff i record when i use a stopwatch and then some (like distance)... it appears to have a heart rate feature but i suspect it requires purchase and might require more battery than this phone can handle but then, why be pessimistic, aye?...

anyway, i had to try it out (so what if i didn't sleep for a gazillion hours, right?)... i shall explore it over the next few walk/jogs and hopefully get as excited as i wanna be...

and another today

the next day, i suppose, at least i believe it's the next day... the gap between entries can be measured in time away from the upload (or in blogger's specific case, publish, i believe) button and if i measure it by approximation i believe it's been some 36 hours since i uploaded (published) anything here however i have been tapping the keys in a random sort of way in the notepad file that is where i write most when i am not putting words directly into the blogger box for a specific blog... the process might fascinate some anthropologists someday, i suppose, and if there is any chance of fascinating anybody, i figure why pass up the chance...

so in the past however many hours i slept on and off and feel somewhat refreshed, i did not exercise, and i ate processed foods containing more fats, carbs, sugars, salts, and others stuffs aat much less off the previous five days and if did no physical exercise and the body is reacting as it usually does, reddish granual stuff in the urine and itchy urethra... the physical experience can be found in more detail in the body thoughts blog...

and the pattern continues but perhaps this time it ends after just 36 hours instead of longer...

sleep?...

no sleep, apps

used to be no soap radio, but not i seem to be sliding into an addiction, however temporary it might be, a game playing addiction on the phone... not sleeping reduces the chances of my going out to walk/jog in the morning so it is definitely not in compliance with the subconscious intention that started last week to return to a higher energy physical level through seriously increasing exercise intensity and frequency and dropping excess weight and instead i am hearing someone save my life tonight playing between windmills somewhere in the back roads of the corners of my mind...

but hey, some days are like that... or this...

narf :)

without softball

friday nights are just not the same... jackson is awake for the weekend as usual and i am sailing off on the good ship vegetation tonight so on goes the tv with sports galore (womens college softball super regionals and the referee's choice show in the nba playoffs)and then there's the sci-fi and science and nature stuff that keeps my brain somewhat occupied in between playing games and writing and browsing (though browsing the internet is something i have put on pause for a few weeks or more)... without softball, though, i want more exercise and yet, eating and vegetation seem to be on the agenda... it's one of those nights (or was one of those days) where i just set sail off into whatever indulgence i want or find around and if i die, i die with gavin friday playing in the background...

or maybe it's elton john...

narf :)

exercise with occasional vegetation

the weather report for my activity level has been vegetation with occasional exercise for some time now but this week it's flipped and i'd like to keep it that way so i look myself in my mind's eye and tell myself to enjoy this vegetative day and return to the new pattern tomorrow (keeping track helps)...

yup, that's how change is done...

another today

whenever it is, or was... i threw the script out the window... the script being the disciplined dietary and exercise change that i was, one one exception, carrying out since last sunday night... the good news is, at least so far (and there is only a negligible chance i will change this news), i have not gone out to eat to spend more money (though i do have a bit more supermarket shopping to do), rather i ate what was in the house... i still bought to food, but it is cheaper than restaurants so the wallet is smiling... it is amazing what can be done with processed foods for the taste buds as long as the ingredients and actually canning process is ignored completely...

yes, this is another one of those entries in which one might find the words leaving the reader wide eyed with wonder about the sanity of the writer... of course this is done deliberately without thinking about it, and like most oxymorons, the writer stares wide-eyed out at the reader wondering the same thing... or so it might appear... perspective is everything, so who knows, ya know?...

ruzzled

i found one particular player who has beaten me 14 times in a row and i have yet to beat her... she has the knack of finding the six and more letter words found on the final board that consistently gives her a few (*or a few hundred) more points that i find... it is at once stimulating and sad, the excitement coming from finding a mind that can challenge me in a word game and the sadness coming from the fact that i do not know anything about her or if we will ever know more than our ruzzle names which means contact can be lost in an instant through a number of ways...

imagine finding the one and falling in love through an anonymous account on a game app... i am still a hopelessly hopeful romantic, huh?... no wonder i am alone these days, my heart is still playing fairy tale games as if they were real life... and i wouldn't have it any other way... la la la...

narf :)

only human

i've been playing ruzzle most of the night instead of sleeping or doing anything else... it is a deeper hunger i feel tonight... a hunger for sensory indulgeance, an oral hunger focus on the taste buds (cuz there's nobody around to kiss and i don't feel like just going out and randomly finding someone hanging out at the usual human hangouts who mich be available for many reasons)... it's a wonderfully insatiable craving that i have turned off all week (even wednesday when i went out to dinner with the team) but being awake most of the last 48 hours (or maybe it's 36, whatever, it is definitely enough to mimic the euphoric splendor or carefree enjoyment of life's sensual pleasures (and munchies) that comes from smoking the wacky weed, even though i have not in many years), i am letting myself be overwhelmed by it and the result has been three bowls of cereal and a bit of chcolate milk but it had not been enough... the italian taste buds are demanding something, well, tomato and cheese flavored, so i am placating the buds with a hot pocket... and then another... and then, another... hey. at least it is not a whole pepperoni pizza with extra cheese which would ordinarily, based on the patterns of behaviors of the past few years, be the minimum pig-out for this sort of mood...

a set back from the body's perspective, because i am quite certain that i dropped it's weight down under 210 this week, but i feel like being only human tonight... what a wonderful excuse to destroy the planet, screw up anything that might save the planet, undermine relationsips, poisoning the body, and generally live more to die than to live short of actually committing complete suicide, being only human...

sigh :}

addictive personality

i have not connected my xbox because i can get addicted to ncaa football (and other games) and i am being stupidly proper in not completely losing myself in this time away from the working rat race... what reminds me of this is the ruzzle game on my phone that i dove into tonight with somewhat reckless abandon and now have dozens of random players playing ruzzle with me... i can tell i will bore of it rather quickly so it was safe... but why not spend a few weeks lost in the ncaa football game since i am spending chuncks of my savings to enjoy all this free time?... good question... great excuse for the moment is the arm injury... and the callouses that form on my pitching hand when i start getting carried away playing the game for hours (like 48 hours straight), but then, there is the video game diet that has inadvertently had me fasting and grabbing super quick meals like yogurt and other light stuff rather than pause the game... on one hand though i don't want to isolate myself too much from people cuz i can get lonely... on another hand that isolation is exactly what i needs to refocus my patterns and habits on healthy ways... yeah, there are pros and cons...

and how are you? :)

nba playoffs script

one reason i like charles barkley is, through instinct, inlettigence, or naivety, he says what a lot of people are thinking but most if not all are afraid ti so... he is not pc... he does not toe the company line... and many times, he speaks truth no one wants to hear or believe... the scripted nba, for instance... for years people swore wrestling wasn't scripted, foolish fans... the nba is obviously scripted to some extent, maybe a lot... what is obvious is the same physical interaction between players can happen a hundred times during a game and a few times it's called a foul, purely at the referee's discretion... and too often those specific foul calls come at points in a game that turn momentum toward one team or another... too often those specific foul calls determine who wins a game or a series... so thank you charles barkley...

"i know the nba wants miami in the final, but come on man" ~ charles barkely

he (and shaq and keey on tnn, were remarking about the ridiculous referee calls betweem commercial breaks and this particular statement was made supporting shaq and kenny's similar statements during a review of the biased calls by the refs during game the first half of game two of the conference finals... ridiculous technical fouls on indiana, while miami is alllowed to argue and provoke much more than indiana does and nothing is called... i am waiting for them to notice how many 3-second violations are called against indiana just as someone is going in for an easy layup... besides the ridiculous disparity in foul calls, 3-second violations taking away point opportunities from indiana and giving more point opportunities to miami is the rule the refs follow...

floaty

sleep that is... softball too... i forgot there was no softball tonight because it is a holiday weekend and when i remembered earlier today i seem to have lost interest in sleep, which isn't the best thing to do when trying to get the body regenerating so i don't think i am going out tonight cuz i'd likely munch on snacks or something off my plan for this week and wednesday was enough and then i'd be too tired to walk/jog tonight so i will let myself fall asleep and wake early... been playing ruzzle and sort of watching tv most of the day... i can barely focus at the moment... guess i feel like feeling lonely and tired tonight... it's a process, this separating from people... and the way back to me is separating (harpo called and said he wanted to take me to a big buffet... sure, now that i've decided to restrict food intake, sheesh... where was he the past year when i've been mentioning i want to go there? lol... ah yes, my will power said no, yay)...

so i did not sleep earlier, but now, maybe... hope you are focused on taking care of you too... and hopefully there are not too many typos in this entry cuz i am not focusing my eyes enough to look at the words just now... yeah, feeling floaty, yeah...

narfelleto :)

while i sleep, kaspersky works?

at least that's the hope... a full virus scan was started more than six hours ago and ought to be completed by now... this time by my choice... it is possible that kaspersky did an update to pure 3.0 without my knowledge cuz it seems to be working more in the background now like pure 2.0 did... the courtesy of letting me know that the software i own on the computer i own was updated was apparently beyond them... arrogance or embarrassment or whatever, poor business practice...

anyway, it appears a critical areas scan was done as the full scan was being done, therein slowing down the full scan... it said 3 hours to go halfway through... over a million files being scanned... why don't i think the computer is any safer or simpler?... ah, faith in big brother K, huh?...

narf :}

shopping in my sleep

the shopping trip last night was for food and house and car stuff, now amounting to about $600 in the past month, is being blocked out of my mind cuz it is so not in the budget and yet we've got to eat and jackson seems to be digging herself into or out of a financial hole cuz she isn't even buying food for herself or happiness recently... being me, i will not ignore the need... so now the car has coolant and deodorizer and other fresh smelling stuff and the house has similar stuff for the landry (forgot detergent) and the kitchen has foods for her lunches for a couple of weeks and some of my lighter eating foods for about the same period... the walmart nearby is an old one, not a small one, but not a super one, so there's no fresh food (veggies, meats, fishes, breads, etc)... but it's empty in the middle of the night when it's easier to shop... so one more trip to a publix will need to happen over the weekend cuz i need to start eating more salads at home...

i ought to be sleeping deeply by the time this posts...

there's always hope :)

doing it is not just psycho-babble, ya know?

yeah, well, someday my princess will come and we will share a balanced relationship in which we both care and do for each other the way i now do for others cuZ that's what we like to do and i won't be the one giving everything and getting the occasional cheer... if i didn't continue giving as i do, i could forget how to do it like just about every other human i have ever met... that's not the life i want for me, so i continue giving and caring for others (and finding someone who needs taking care of) in order to be me and be ready for the one who understands and does it too... the down side is i am enabling someone to take advantage of me and also continuously draining myself of resources so retirement is out of the question (though i do give myself the luxury of taking years off from the madness of the rat race every now and then, most of the past year)... but i will not shut down and stop being me... stalemate?... whatever we call it, i wouldn't have me any other way... of course it would ne nice if others would change a bit and stop being so selfish and possessive and wasteful, but i am not looking to change anyone... i am hoping to find someone who does not need to change to understand the wonder of sharing everything (and do i repeat myself or what?)...

i have more than a dozen games of ruzzle waiting for me on the phone... great distraction when i want a distraction...

narf :)

no sleep yet

but soon i hope... ok, so i laid down after a nice shower and was not immediately sleepy so i decided to do some self-physical therapy and the arm hurt but feels good hurt cuz of the stretching and that went away after a half hour or so and by then i was out of bed saying hi to jackson who i hardly saw all week and i found out she will be gone until next week, maybe wednesday, because she's staying at sanford's place doing a garage sale tomorrow and something else sunday and a party monday and she usually stays there tuesday so i won't see her and hopefully she is making the changes in habits that she wants to make cuz i amk not seeing it here, alas, and we found out that her apples leaked in the fruit drawer in the fridge so i have a project before i go to bed (wash the other packages that were in that drawer and wash the drawer and wash the kitchen floor cuz it dripped on the floor and wash the sink full of dishes she left and so i get to pay all the bills and do most of the cleaning and am i getting taken advantage of here or what?... laughing, the answer is yes, actually...

what else to say but... narf :)

a mediocre phew

and the phone as a stopwatch is not working cuz for the second time in four nights i pressed the reset button as i was pushing the pace... gonna re-evaluating the cost-benefit value of a $100+ purchase of a gps wrist watch that would be out of the way, monitor my heart rate, keep time, and tell me how far i walked/jogged/ran... five laps, see the body thoughts for details and such...

phew, almost a smiling phew, but a mediocre phew is better than no phew at all... the question i will ask myself now is when do i eat, when do i sleep, when do i shower... cuz i will be leaving for softball in about ten hours... shower now... then sleep, i think... still feeling the bloat... wake with enough time to eat?... did not do that wednesday and indulged wednesday night... we shall see, i suppose...

continuing the nightly walk/jogs is a good thing though :)

bloat is the norm for whales

some species hibernate for months without eating (like bears) and others who don't have thick fur eat to provide a thick layer of fat (like whale blubber) to keep from freezing... these species need to eat a lot more than they need for daily healthy functioning because of their environments... humans, on the other hand, do most of what they do for pleasure (let's not get into why we kill so much, especially not mentioning the religious commandment against it that so many say they live by)...

i was doing well for three days and then, nudged along by the desire to socialize with friends after softball, i ate the monte cristo (twice, cuz in the u.s. almost every meal purchased in a restaurant contains enough calories for at least two full meals and many contain enough calories for a full day of calories, which is why the majority of the u.s.a is overweight and a sickly large portion are clinically obese)... this makes maintaining a healthy weight much more challenging than it ought to me, but then, cultural norms are the walls we all must climb or hide behind... so i feel bloated again in spite of not eating anything else in the past 30 hours and nothing in the past 18 hours... next time, salad (though outside salads are generally almost as many calories as a lot of other meals, but cultural norms, ya know)...

going out for a walk now...

life is shopping

ok, so shopping is part of life unless one lives on an isolated farm/ranch, grows all their own food, grows cotton or raises sheep and weaves all their own clothing, and chops trees to build their own abode... even then, there's got to be some things bartered for somewhere along the way, especially at first... but for most of us pretty much stuck in the consumer culture insanity, earning money that can be traded for stuff is how we survive... i think of this every time i go shopping these days, especially now that i am in a non-earning mode without sufficient retirement savings to continue this for the rest of this life unless i die a lot sooner than i intended...

need lunch food for jackson for tomorrow, so going shopping now...

wednesday night softball summary

so summing up the wednesday night league, we finished 2-6 for the regular season and lost five of those games by less than 3 runs and three of those games by just 1 run... Only the #1 team beat us in our first game by more than 3 runs... in the playoffs we went 2-2 giving us the third best record as we eliminared two of the four other teams before being eliminated by the 2nd place team (Gators) largely because of our errors and less hitting in a second game in the rain... everyone was exhausted and dripping wet and the ball was very slippery, but those are the games that must be won to get to a championship game and to win a championship... what is good about the stats is we were in every game except one right to the last at bat, so if everyone shows up on time and ready to play (which isn't always easy on a wednesday evening rushing through traffic from work, so the luck of the traffic and how far away people work and what kind of day it was plays a big factor in the outcome of games), we can be competitive in this league... though the #1 team should be in another league by all fairness as they are better players (7-1 regular season, 4-0 in the playoffs with the second best team going 4-4 in the regular season and 2-2 in the playoffs)... it would be much more fun it is was a more balanced league, but at least there is some balance in four of the five teams...

supposedly the teams on the other field are in a lower level than we are, but with our finish in the playoffs i don't think we belong there (though for some reason they got to play 10 games and we only got to play 8, so i am going to see if they pay more or if they simply get a better deal in which case, the county needs to explain why... in fact, every other league played at least a 9 game season and most played a 10 games season, so it we were charged the same as all the others, there is some s'plaining to do)... the other wednesday league had 6 teams and much greater disparity (their records were 9-1, 8-2, 7-3, 4-6, 2-8, 0-10, though it looks like the 0-10 team forfeited every game, giving the 2-8 team their only wins and the 4-6 team two of their wins... every one of their games was scheduled for 5:30pm so they apparently could not make it, but somehow the other teams did and got extra wins)... seems that the top three teams ought to move up and we have a right to ask to move down finishing last in the regular season, so i'll talk to our coach so she can check with the league about the balance...

0-1 Beer Slugs 18 Who Gives A Hit 8 (L) -10
0-2 WMD 20 Who Gives A Hit 19 (L) -1
Double header rainout
1-2 Who Gives A Hit 13 Gators 12 (W) +1
2-2 Who Gives A Hit 15 WMD 9 (W) +6
2-3 Gators 14 Who Gives A Hit 13 (L) -1
Rescheduled game
2-4 Who Gives A Hit 8 Seminoles 9 (L) -1
2-5 Who Gives A Hit 9 Beer Slugs 12 (L) -3
2-6 Seminoles 7 Who Gives A Hit 4 (L) -3

wow, up already

awake, that is... actually, that was hours ago but a series of entries poured out and this one was pushed back a bit... anyway, awake already mostly due the arm (bicep tendon area, still... maybe it's a degenerative neuro-muscular disease... or aging, which is a degenerative neuro-muscular experience that might not be considered a disease is suppose) and then i stood up and moved around mostly due to a bit of general body aching (stretching felt very good and after ten minutes i felt really good) and i ate another quarter of the leftover monte cristo (throwing out some of the excess bread) and drank lots of water and eliminated some waste and here we are, awake and charged up and almost wired and all i got was four hours sleep... more sleep is due today for sure, but one good cycle was enough to wake for some body care (stretching and a small meal and waste elimination)... another shower should be on the agenda soon, but for now i shall lay back on the couch and see if there is anything vegetative on the tv that might hold my interest for a moment... science channel, sci-fi, somewhere there are like minds and i am in the mood to find them...

good morning dear wonderful caring friends and strangers (and all the rest of you stumbling by too)... may your day (or whatever time it is wherever you are) sparkly a bit more than usual...

isn't optimism wonderful? :)

throwing narfetti

naturally you were scratching your head and pondering deeply the meaning of throwing narfetti and i do not want to to reach the point of pulling your hair out, so i will offer this half-assed explanation in lieu of an actual definition until miriam or webster or some dictionary (random house?... urban?) type decides to provide an official looking, sounding, and formatted definition of the term... do idiots create idioms?...

so anyway, throwing narfetti refers to the nonchalant excitement of cheering whatever just cuz we are happy to be alive and with a friend or friends (or even alone) doing something fun (because everything can be fun in cartoons, which points out that the phrase can be said to originate in binky's use of the term of blissful and egoless acceptance as expressed in his use of the term narf, in case you never noticed)...

it's a beautiful thing, really :)

another late call

after getting home from softball and eating out with friends (as opposed to eating out friends, i suppose... see previous entries for details), as i was contemplating the pros and cons of an immediate walk/run before sleep on the toilet seat (that is, contemplating, not sleeping on the commode), the phone rang and it was harpo asking if i was going for a walk tonight... that ended my contemplation and i told harpo to walk or drive over and i'd change and head out for a walk... as i said, calls from friends are welcome anytime... i might not always wake up if i am asleep, but i will usually answer no matter where i am...

just then, indiana tied up the first game of the eastern conference finals much to the chagrin of the egos on miami (they may be the best team in basketball right now, but they have turned me off with spoiled egocentric comments and behavior over the years and epitomize the ridiculous injustice and stupidity of the culture we live in where a few people who can play games well are in the top few percent of income and those who actually save lives, educate children, and care for those who need care are in too many cases at or near the poverty line and left with little time to play or do anything other than struggle to survive, but that's another story and not the professional players fault... their incomprehensible insensitivity, immaturity, and egocentrism, however, that they can take responsibility for if they really mean it when they thank their respective gods for their talents and blessings...

of, was i distracted?... well, i did not watch the overtime because i am tired of seeing the referees decide games (somewhere in some blog i've ranted about that a few times) and harpo came by and put his head on my shoulder... he was very down and we did head out for the walk... he needed to talk... harpo used to be in the hollywood industry, movies, that is, and a major u.s. corporation (disney) stole his work and made a bit of a profit without giving him any credit or compensation... harpo has become obsessed (mostly understandably) about bringing the corporate criminals (why should disny be any different than any other corporation) to justice and has been tangled in the web of a legal battle for almost a decade or so... you can read about it on the web if i can find the link one of these days...

the point is my friend needed a hug, a talk, and some wild sex... he got two out of three, which according to meatloaf, ain't bad, and he was almost laughing (though maybe not quite throwing narfetti) by the end of our ninety minute walk and talk... i was almost collapsing as the body seriously needed rest as i only slept four hours today (in the past 24) cuz i was playing with happiness all morning... i hope my friend gets out of his one-thought loop and finds other avenues for his emotional and creative life because while i support his case against the giant mouse, it is not too far from tilting at windmills and if that is all one does it can become unhealthy...

gonna sleep now, definitely sleep... nite nite...

after the game

four of us went to the usual place, gator's dockside for the usual fried stuff... one person ordered a blue burger and fries (as opposed to a blackened blue burger), another ordered all-you-can-eat boneless wings and fries, and the third ordered a cobb salad... i had a monte cristo with broccoli on the side and water with lemon... yes, i violated my unspoken oath to banish as many calories and fats and carbs from this body for one meal because that made sense after three days in a row of new exercise followed by two games of softball... i only ate half the sandwich... the idea was to get protein... i should have ordered the burger though cuz there is not much meat in a monte christo as it is mostly fried bread... they did not put the powdered sugar on it and i did not eat the jam or jelly provided, but i did have mayo on the side... carbs fried in fat dipped in fat, that's the american way...

it was delicious, but definitely lacking in the protein i was seeking, which made it the wrong move, something i shall endeavor to remember next time... it is still good to get out and hang with friends even if it did cost me $13 with tip... i do have a meal for tomorrow, so except for the fact that i have no income at the moment, life is yummy and wonderful...

home to rest, shower, sleep, more walk/running, and likely more bodily functions (not necessarily in that order)... by july i intend to be twenty pounds lighter... of course the party has already started (you've noticed the narfetti, right?)...

narf :)

better than bad

softball, that is... well, five or six key (at least) errors gave up about ten or eleven runs (at least) and we lost the second game (semi-finals) somewhere in the neighborhood of 14-9... we had beaten that team earlier in the year and they will likely finish second and we beat the two other teams in the playoffs and didn't face the #1 one loss team in the playoffs (five teams total in the league), so we finish third which is where we fit into this league cuz the two teams in 1st and 2nd have better hitting and fielding and the two teams in 4th and 5th are about the same as we are (they both beat us during the season and finished the regular season 3rd and 4th with 4-4 and 3-5 records, respectively... we finished the regular season at 2-6, but beat them both in the playoffs making it to the loser's bracket final {two game elimination tournament}, which is when the playing and wins and loses count more, for us at least)...

i don't know if the link is accessible or how long it will be up there (with apologies to posterity), but here are the league standings for future reference and in case you are a stat geek like me, or just care and have time to look and wanna know...

on the personal side (since this is my blog), i batter 9th in the first game and 10th ion the second game... 2 for 2 with a walk in the first game, scoring twice and knocking in a few rbi... 1 for 3 in the second game, flying out the right center twice (the second one the right center fielder made a great running catch on), so while i am not satisfied, i am more ok with it cuz after all, beating myself up about not being perfect happened earlier this week and once a week is enough... so much for the magnificence flagellation of snarky malarky, aye?... what?...

throwing narfetti :)

bloggering

the oddest thing about the blogging i do here, meaning this particular form of therapy and/or insanity called (e)thereal (certainly it can be radically self-indulgent, no doubt), is the overwhelming laughter as the desire to say you lot don't really take all this seriously, do you? while simultaneously hoping someone cares enough to actually take all of this seriously (which just increases my laughter at the random futility and potential meaninglessness of it all)... so much of what i write here (and other places) is momentary emo, fleeting frustration, alliterated angst, mental dancing (and might i mention blatant attention seeking?... oh why not lol lam), and/or high drama (mellow drama, even) created in my head in order to entertain my imagination and/or vent a moment of frustration with something that is not aligned with my peculiar view of the universe... isn't that what blogging is about?... time for softball...

or maybe this is bloggering... fade out to captain hook's laugh in hook, no less...

narf :)

happiness isn't happy

he's refusing to eat his food cuz it's just the dry food and he's gotten used to the canned food over the past year or two cuz the whole point of the veterinary special diet is to get more moisture into him but jackson didn't bring home canned food so he hasn't had any and i've been putting cheese in his food to get him to eat it but that's totally against vet's rules and i don't want him getting sit but he probably will puke today because he's refusing to eat and after skipping a meal he usually pukes up bile... poor baby... i really hope he doesn't puke because it stains the carpet even after it is cleaned up... we had to pay $400 after moving out of the last place and that was the $400 jackson was supposed to give me for the pet fee here... shhhh, focus on me, change what i can change in me, let go of the stress... get some sleep and pinch the pennies even harder...

narf :}

twenty-odd entries

and they may be odd entries at that, but i refer to the number, twenty-odd, which falls somewhere between twenty and twenty-nine, usually... at least in base ten... but not to confuse us with math, the point of the title is to make note that twenty-odd entries were just uploaded here and a few others places as if they were there all along... in the blink of an eye... out of the blue... so where've ya been?... aye?...

ok, before you lose your mind looking for where you've been, i will tell you the truth... the entries just appeared, thee twenty-odd entries (hey, last time it was just about a dozen) were in a notepad on my laptop and not out here for you to read all along... but that doesn't mean you missed anything, not if you find the time to read them (not asking much, am i?... well, i am human, which makes me the center of the universe, so we just have to deal with some things the way they are... who?... what?...

what i would love is for you to find a few pre-twenty-odd entries that contain profound and meaningful music and so many of the secret links to the mystery i might be (just a few hundred of them) and click through (or is that thru) and read and tell me if the creative linking presents me as irresistible as i am... stuttlebut what?... frick n' frack and the other thing... but of course we can't always get what we want, so i understand if you don't have a month to devote to clicking and reading and evaluating and responding while i nap... i will survive, somehow (snarkidy snicker)... doh!...



so welcome back my friend to the show that still does not appear to have any end in site...

narf :)

dangit dog

so after some really bad tv i head out for exercise for the third night in a row and took it lighter than the previous three nights because i don't want to over-do the muscles, especially since i am working the same muscles all three nights, but also because i have softball tomorrow night, possible two games, and i don't want my legs to cramp or worse and i find the usual sprinkler obstacles which i navigate mostly (dang stinky water... gonna have to figure out how to wash my running shoes) and i get home and there he is, the incredible staring dog, staring at the door as if he's been abandoned there for weeks... must seem that way sometimes with his mom hardly ever home anymore... but anyway, i decide to give him an extra walk (cuz ten a day ain't enough, ya know) and i decide to bring the phone to see how long it takes to do a lap with him and that is where the title comes from, dangit dog, he just does not know how to walk without pulling as hard as he can on the leash (though he isn't nearly as bad with me as he is with jackson) and sure enough he pulled off the leash in the dark in the street and then (here comes the dangit dog) in putting his leash back on i accidentally reset the stopwatch on the phone so my six lap times are gone forever... dangit dog... definitely not trained for walking or running (not that he could run at his age anyway)... never again, my friend... my walk/run times are my time to focus on my health, not your time... so he's sitting on his pllow panting and smiling and scratching and wagging his tail and of course, staring as if he's the center of the universe and i simply must drop what i am doing and make him the center of mine... some dogs are like that... most smaller ones, actually... alas, i shall estimate the times and learn my lesson... don't mix happiness with exercise... sheesh...

oh stop laughing (telling myself that, i am)...

narf :)

belly bloat

it's never taken this long to go away after changing diet and starting exercise... waking up the body (especially the ab muscles part of the brain that triggers stop eating when the belly is full) has me feeling full and bloated even after twelve hours of not eating... and no problem with constipation, so it's not a clog... it's just a bloated belly feeling... hoping that is not a bad sign and that it is just cuz i don't do a whole lot of moving around these days cuz i am not working... maybe i need to start walking a few hours a day instead of just one hour a day...

facebook corp

I just found out that facebook corporate is SPAMMING through text messages... not very friendly of you, facebook... but then, facebook was never about making friends, i mean, you have to be someone's friend to friend them on facebook... friend someone just because you find their public posts interesting and you can be banned from friending anyone for weeks... why make a post if you don't want people to see it and respond?... people are so paranoid and illogical... anyway, after that facebook disturbance in my cell phone i went to the site (so they got what they wanted, damn) and changed notifications and changed my password, but found out that to stop getting "PUSH" messages (the corporate term for SPAM from corporate), i need to install the facebook app on my phone... i don't want the facebook app on my phone, so they are unethical and invasive like all other corporations... fifteen minutes was all the facebook i could tyake today... i have not been into the online world much lately, in case you haven't noticed by my blogging...

the phone didn't die

wow, what a difference a charger makes... the phone is charging so much faster with jackson's charger... it's like a new phone when it comes to charging... the faulty wire on the other charger was the apparent cause of the poor charging, not the old battery... did i mention this already?... well, this got me thinking about the charger and flash drives and other items (valued at few hundred dollars, at least) the last place i worked at stole from me... that was the tone the ceo set, use, abuse, and stab each other in the back whenever possible... he was the best at it, being relatively psychotic... that might be a requirement to be a ceo in the good old u.s.a.... anyway, i haven't replaced anything they stole because i am trying to live as lean as possible, so i am happy jacks had the charger from her old phone cuz it works great (it doesn't fit her iphone, after all, that's corporate greed ya know... new and improved incompatibility and the ever present planned obsolescence)... still, yay for jackson's old cord...

hope you had some good news today too :)

sleeping better

happiness is not happy about it, but i am sleeping better the past few days... living by my schedule more, exercising, eating lighter, focusing on myself more all contributes to that... and i am feeling a whole lot better physically too (in spite of the abdominal bloating, pressure on the kidneys {especially right side{, constant ringing in the ears, regular stiff neck, healing but limited right arm, lingering rhoid or pollup, occasionally itchy legs {yeah, my sugar level should come down}, and general aging ailments and such), really i am feeling much better lam...

hope you are taking care of yourself too :)

after a shower

i laid down to sleep but the muscles were not happy (the short term pains were not present, but the longer term regeneration needed a boost cuz i ate so little today) so i swallowed some vitamins (multi, b-c complex, flax seed, and cayenne pepper... need to buy grapefruits)... and i shall stand here and let them dissolve and get into the bloodstream and to the muscles (cuz laying down might give the cayenne a chance to provide a bit of heartburn, which is really stomach burn, but anyway)... i have not been taking any vitamins since the kidney issues last month because the stuff that holds the tablets together and some of the vitamins seem to increase the sediment in the urine... so i am hoping not to repeat that... the body wants food, but it also wants sleep and i am determined not to eat or take in any calories before going to bed... a touch of salt, perhaps... i must get the body conditioned to burning fat again instead of storing fat... this could be a challenging week, month even... hope the heart holds out... the neck is mostly better... the ear is ringing loudly, a sign of body stress and elevated blood pressure... i wish someone nearby would share this experience and help monitor me cuz it would suck to die alone trying to live better, ya know?... laughter is my best friend, don't poo :)

still lots of laziness, but

trying to transition back to daily exercise without the usual headache and assorted maladies (like kidney stones and so on)... so taking it slower than i have before... see the body blog for more details... meanwhile, excellent news, i think... the phone battery took a charge quick with jackson's phone cord so it just may be ok (the phone and battery), which would be excellent (i might have mentioned excellent news)...

lots of tv

i ought to be writing a lot of entries in background tv but like it is here, i am not there much either lately... partly cuz i don't sit with the computer anymore and party cuz i don't remember to (or don't feel inspired to... there is so little that i'd consider inspiring on television)... still, i make note here that i am watching a lot of tv of late... mostly reruns.,.. let's see what i remember watching recently (remind me to come back when i remember more)...

tv shows: ncis, castle, bones, dr. who, orphan black, defiance, through the wormhole, the universe, warehouse 13, elementary, perception, numb3rs, the mentalist, psych, animaniacs, futurama, the simpsons, family guy, how it's made, star trek: next generation, lost girl, being human, the nerdist, craig ferguson, ... lots of others...

movies: serenity, hook, galaxy quest, and more i don't recall at the moment and a bunch of crap movies too...

sports and other stuff: ncaa tournaments (basketball, softball), nba playoffs, and all sorts of sports at local sports bars a couple of times a week...

fascinating life, isn't it?...

narf :)

waking the body a bit

yes, if you just can't get enough of my babbling, there appears to be yet another new awakening (hopefully not too brief) in body thoughts where the goal is to let the body think and speak cuz the brain cells certainly have enough blogs to think and speak in (what?... hundreds are not enough?)... anyway, the focus this week is pushing the body and while i am concerned about the results of the push in april that provided weeks of kidney stones and an infection, i am hoping i find the right formula to do it right this time (though i know some reaction from the kidneys is inevitable)... anyway, while i am sleeping more and not uploading entries here, i am writing in a notepad and suddenly a lot of entries will appear here and in other blogs, so i just wanted you to know in case you missed me... i miss me, but then, i'm kind of biased that way... here is my message from the body today...

come on now, don't let me die fat and old, m'ok?...

narf :)

a dog's life

we play for hours each day most days since i've been home (not out working) and then i want to do something else and when he finally gets tired of staring at me begging for attention, especially as darkness falls, he sits by the door waiting for his mommy and she doesn't come home... i can walk him for twenty minutes and five minutes after he comes back in panting and overheating he is staring for more attention... i can play with him for a few minutes (he stops cuz he's old) and i see he's exhausted and five minutes later he is sitting up panting and staring and begging for attention... i feed him and he wants human food, but he's not allowed due to his veterinary special diet... he lays down next to me and i can pet him and scratch him for a solid hour and he'll beg for more... alas, he's a seriously social happy dog, beaming and bouncing whenever people are around, but i see the sadness and loneliness now that i am home so much more...

sigh, a dog's life is not as rosy as the old saying goes :}

why the stress

more to the point, why react poorly to the stress... why fear the stress... why let the stress become anxiety... and finally, for the moment, why the fear?...

people are so afraid of so much, it is challenging to relate to them... they create drama and so much more stress in their heads than necessary... so much anxiety over what?... and the fears, so irrational so often... people create anxiety and drama to avoid confronting the fears (and each other)... so afraid of honesty... people create delusions to placate the irrational fears and how does one relate to that?... join the delusion, ignore the delusion, confront the delusion?... none of those work for me... joining is pretense, i only like pretending on stage or in a role playing game... ignoring without joining is dangerous, even suicidal... confronting is dangerous to the point of hostility, or at least to anxiety to the point of hysteria... how does one communicate with someone in a delusional state, someone hiding behind walls of fears that are hidden behind walls of delusions...

it is sad to get close to people... there is so little peace in them... so little truth... and so little honesty comes out... i want to return to my peace again... alone, if that's how is must be...

sigh :)

good sleep

at least i think it's good sleep... went back to bed just before 8am and just woke again... did not drink as much water as i usually do so the four hour cycle just blended into the next four hour cycle and it feels so good to catch up on sleep and moreover, to sleep when the body and brain want to sleep and wake when the body and brain want to wake... that is the healthiest way to live and the way our culture prevents the vast majority of us from living... the vast majority of us are worker bees and drones just moving stuff around so the few queens can live in extreme freedom and luxury... but we are such a self-destructive species that those who have that luxury often choose to poison themselves and the vast majority of us do the same while destroying the planet by taking much much more than we need from the planet and wasting most of it... it's so clear after a good sleep and while the clarity feels wonderful, the sad state of humanity feels quite sad...

even those closest to me wonder why i am sad some days and so rarely do i find someone who feels the full state of the ecosystem on this planet... so much beaty, wonder, and excitement and so sad that most humans never notice in their mad race to possess as much of it as they can... as if possession means anything in this temporary existence we know as life... just one of the big delusions that keep most people in the dark struggling to understand why they are struggling in the dark...

something happened

i sense it... something clicked in my head and i am waking up and feeling quite a mite (might?), as in very frustrated with myself for wasting away so much, especially physically... i was a genius child, after all... after not sleeping all night due to some near black-out drunken debauchery, i scored in the genius range in my military iq tests... yes, i was in the military... a vietnam era vet... yes, i am that old... and i did more drugs in the military than at any other point in this life... when the inspectors found drugs in my room they gave me to the mps and after a few minutes they gave me to cid (the military's answer to the cia of sorts) and they let me go back to work after about 45 minutes... they asked if i used drugs and i told them yes, most of them, there are more available here than on the streets... they asked if i used drugs on duty and i said no... i told them drug laws are ridiculous and the government wastes time and money keeping drugs illegal when there are many other pressing needs in the country that the money would better serve... then i told them i had no idea where the drugs in my room came from as they were not in my possession and in fact it was not my room, it was the army's room and a lot of people have the key and i slept off base more often than not... i asked them if they really though it was a good use of their resources to court marshal me over a bag of pot and i really ought to get to the emergency room because i am the ncoic (in charge) tonight and people could be dying there, they left the room for a few minutes and told me to go to work... never heard from them again...

wow, that was an old memory... anyway, something's coming (inside)...

ridiculously lazy

and it becomes too obvious to ignore after a walk or run... so i lay on the couch and watch the movies bewitched and hook simultaneously and almost start nodding off, but then i decide to put on shorts and a t shirt and the running shoes and head out the door... mostly walked, but ten laps later i am home dripping wet so much i need a towel between me and the laptop and i wish i was sitting down, but still i stand when at the computer for reasons related in previous entries here and in the body blog (where you can find the times and weather and other conditions related to the body and exercise and such) and mostly now to maintain some level of exercise during these days off... a good thing, not to die...

well, it is, even if this world is sick with the disease called humanity, but we can watch the day the earth stood still and other warning tales another time... and even if most people are lazy, self-destructive, in denial, and delusional, i do not have to participate as much as i do, after all... we have a choice... right, so stop the ridiculous laziness part of the wasteful ways now, m'ok?...

narf :}

alas, dangit

just when i was thinking how wonderful it was to feel a yay! at the conclusion of an entry, i find frustration again... caring as much as i do does that... unfortunately, jackson's plans changed and i will vent my frustration about that elsewhere in a private blog out of respect for her privacy, but grrrrrr... i hate hiding as i believe that is the root of all self-destruction (and evil)...

i must say this here for my own peace of mind - i will do my best not let her irresponsibility stop me from taking care of myself as i should anymore... i wish this venting was not necessary but the frustration comes from caring about her and depending on her to be responsible and she doesn't want to deal with her irresponsible choices... and this (writing) is my way to peace and i will take care of me...

i will not do her any good if i am not loving me... we can't love anyone else if we are not loving ourselves... another very important self-reminder... so clear after some good sleep...

i wish everyone would understand how honesty sets us free...

sweet sleep rocks

it's so rare that i just let go of everything and sleep lately (and it's happening right now)... this time away from the rat race working world should be gravy and the perfect time to catch up on the relaxing letting go i did not do for more than 11 years while working that crazy 24/7 gig for a psychotic boss who would flat out say a hundred ours a week was not enough... i haven't let go of responsibilities as i should during this time off time mostly because i am concerned about happiness and jackson... they are both fragile children (well, happiness is a dog) who are not responsible enough to take care of themselves independently and my instinct is to take care of those who have not found that skill within themselves... unfortunately, that's most of the people i've lived with in this life... i attract them because i have this instinct to give unconditionally and take care of people... unfortunately, that enables the ones who don't want to stand on their own for whatever reason they choose and that's where i am these days... but today i let go... i trusted jackson to come home and feed and take care of her dog and i trusted her to take care of herself... i let go and slept... and it feels so good, i just may put on the running shoes tonight... it's so simple to do what is right for myself when the mind is clear...

yay :)