Still Wide Awake

On the first of may (what can I say?... strangers, friends, it never ends). Did you notice I was gone? Did you find me somewhere else? Do you even know my name? Has this all just been a game? How long have you been on this journey? Time is relative, in case you forgot or didn't get the internal memo, or emo, for that matter. Are we doing this alone? Don't you know that you don't need to always be on your own? What?

Something change? Did you notice a story keeps growing on the right? Not to mention the entries that keep slipping in behind this one, in real time, just cuz love never ends, like Abbey Road's going to #1 after 50 years, Sgt Pepper would be so proud.

and in the end
the love you save
is equal to
the love you gave

...or something like that What? You want a theme song? Here's a theme song.

POW!   aye?

The real theme song. You want real? Really? You may have missed it (if it ever began).

asleep?
Awake: Real true real, this blog actually ended years ago, shortly after Happiness died. He was such a beautiful soul, though there is no absolute end until the fingers can no longer type, so entries appear here and there as if they've always were, like the song that never ends, somewhere, and I will likely update this entry again and again, adding links, for posterity, for the depths, or doubts, even, and just for the fun of it, or whatever, and you can make of each one and all of them and everything as you see fit, or as Wesley said, as you wish (you too lol).

I mean, do you really want to know? :)

The fact is, so few do. Maybe no one does. Are you no one? Ah, we play with words to create hope where there may otherwise be none. Are you none?

If you came from TheReal(TM) you went (e)thereal (you're looking at it) but the babbler struck again after a while, so now... if you still want to know me and this life there is another place to go (see below) where I tear myself apart to censor myself to respect others fears while still doing my best to live my dream of finding the one and sharing everything completely openly and honestly... still here too. Still exposed.

I am here now in this new blog (and more, so much more), in case it matters. Narf.

No need to cry. I mean, just cuz of all the lonesome, ya know? If you remember. Narf.

You know narf is also a sigh, right?

Narf :)













PS... Hey blog family - you still matter to me :)













PPS... I am still awake, and still the same, even as everything constantly changes.










PPPS... Hey, what are all those links to the right there? (asked nonchalantly) lol :)











PPPPS... Maybe I'm a mazed lol. :)










PPPPPS... Write more, they say, and I do, almost every day, and then some. more? LOL you don't now the half of it. The question is, do you really want to? :)









Narf (yes, again) :)

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Epilogue 1... the end is only the end if you believe in endings :)

Anonymous Comments

If I only had more time, I'd let you know more about all the Anonymous comments left on this blog and how I respond to them. Typically, I respond to them one by one, but since I don't write in this blog anymore, I didn't check for comments in some time and I just uploaded more than 75 comments to various entries. These entries received the most comments so you can see for yourself if you want to click on the links (in case it matters). I didn't have time to respond one by one (that's usually fun, pretending each one comes from a real person as I respond... I imagine many come from comment-bots, but hey, a friend might be mixed in there too, right?... there's always hope, ya know?). Anyway, I'm still not here, but I just stopped by to point out that many new comments are sprinkled through, some worth reading, in case it matters. :)

More will follow, time permitting, cuz the fun never ends (just like love), but really... I am here now, in case you didn't catch that first link on the right sidebar. :)

Enjoy life and KIT!

Narf :)

Days of Future Past

I return here only occasionally, as I do with my other "daily" blogs, or the dailies as they are called in what passes for a table of contents of sorts, I suppose (and this is where I usually link the other older dailies, but perhaps we shall pass on that much self-indulgent hope for your interest, unless, of course, you are the one, in which case you would have already asked, but I'll likely somewhat subtly {though my subtle can sometimes be like a brick to the face}, even rather nonchalantly, somewhere down the page), but this one holds extra special dearness as it spans the last chapter in this life where I was living the illusion of sharing, maybe even almost a family, for as much as it was... but that's another story. The point of this opening aside is I KIT (keep in touch) with that span of time within myself and this blog was and is a record of that KIT, for those who shared the illusion and for posterity, even if, in the end, is is and was always only me.

This entry could be subtitled Song Cues Abound.

Today I though of family. I can only imagine what it's like to have a family. I develop relationships with as much, if not more dependency than most people I know. Working 24-7 jobs throughout my career gives me a sense of connections and responsibility that maybe something like family. Perhaps that is why I have chosen a professional life of helping others a a level of responsibility that is tethered 24/7 to a phone that I am expected to answer anytime it rings. Them in the personal life, I choose to live with someone much more than I choose to live alone. Living with a roommate and/or choosing a friend to unconditionally trust (which is a whole deeper level of my quest for sharing families ties) may get me closer, though the relationship tends to become what a therapist calls enmeshed and people do not seem to deal with that well. I am not sure if that is because I do not need the boundaries most people need (and why I don't need them is another book or two someone can write, if I'm ever interesting enough to anyone outside of my head... of course someone inside my head could write it or them, but another time, certainly, at least) or whether it is because I have such secure internal boundaries (unless I forget, which I have done from time to time in my quest to understand humanity and become more human, to fit in, but that's an even older daily blog, perhaps) that I don't have to think about them. I ask little more than consistency and contact from others. So far, that has been asking for too much in almost every case. Maybe every case.

That may or may not be why the cover entry for this blog has remained the same (which requires future-dating it, if you know what I mean), but I just thought I'd mention that here and now as if it mattered and belonged here. But I really don't think I'm a creep, a musichead (who started as a radiohead, surely), yes, but not a creep. Sadly, the music died, but I never really said goodbye or even bye bye cuz the song goes on forever, so welcome back my friends to the show that never ends and do save a seat, or even the last dance, for me.

Or something like that.

Did you ever want to go back in time to see how you were and if you would have liked yourself? It could start with a short trip (though that could be a rabbit hole without an end cuz it goes on and on my friend). Maybe, maybe I'm wrong. I'll go on anyway. Walking on, and on, with hope in my heart. It's just my way, an impossible dream, perhaps, but I've got to be me. Honesty. Love. All we need. The whole world could be in love, actually live in love, if we wanted to. It would be such a better world. Imagine.

There is so much more to follow, more even than came before, from pain to bliss, euphoria to trauma, agony to ecstasy, and what's the opposite of depression?... but anyway, anyway, this is where this pauses in time and space to say hello to you. Hello, I love you, create peace and joy in your life, radiate love, share, care, be well, be aware... Whomever you are. Wherever you are. Whenever you are.

Shall more follow?

Narf...

false alarm

Reports of my demise have been in error, premature, even. You see, I have a farewell entry, an last-entry-ever (at least for this life as I know it), an entry scheduled for the future and, like tomorrow, it is always a day away. The thing is, for better or worse, if I don't remember to change the future date on the entry, it accidentally gets posted before I am soup. It is my final entry, after all, the entry that says farewell because the body breaths no more, the fingers type no more, the blah blah blahs no more.

I don't know exactly when that will happen, the end of the babble, but there's always hope that it will be next year, as opposed to this year, since next year, as you may have heard somewhere, is always a year away (get it?). Yeah, so I'll die tomorrow, I don't have time to die today. It's a philosophy, or something like that.

So, just in case you happened to spy those last words that slipped out here on to the internet in the past hour (and just imagine if I didn't have this sudden impulse to come here to write after being away for days and days, aye?), with much fanfare and celebration, I apologize for any stress, concern, or sorrow you may have felt.

I am not gone, only forgotten.

If you wonder why, here is a sampling of the wonders you've missed., a typical summary of food intake, for instance.. Carrots and a small low-carb tortilla smeared with fat-free cream cheese and a ribbon of grape jelly was a midnight snack after a dinner of a few slices of almost fat free ham and turkey and cheese on, you guessed it, a low-carb tortilla. A 100 calorie chocolate protein shake washed it all down. A yogurt and a shake was lunch, so today was a reduced calorie day after yesterday's all-I-could-eat pig out at the taste of Sanford food festival. That was fun.

The real, remember?

The daily blog, filed with all the daily trivia, from food to poop, from work to play, from highs to lows, and all that's in between. The daily details that make a life lived. As I said on the right, that daily chronological blog is elsewhere now. Here, at least for the last seven or five entries, entries appear rather haphazardly, randomly, and abstractly at times, as this blog was put to bed some three years ago when the daily life took a dramatic turn in another direction, a spiral downward that did not need recording, actually. Woe seldom does. It's much better now, but at the time....

Lonely days of abandonment and emptiness instead of support and repayment for betrayals and usury, the story of a life is still the same (old story). Several months went by and nobody mentioned that they noticed, but then, yet another phoenix of sorts rose, several, actually, in case it matters, and the daily life continued to be recorded for posterity. Feel free to applaud. Or just send money if that's easier.

Outrageous, no doubt.

There is a reason for everything, after all.

Someday... somehow... somewhere...

This will too.

Narf :)

Family is Forever

I wanted it to last forever.
How can it be real if it ends?
Family is meant to stay together
Especially a family of friends

When there is no biological family
Friends are all there is to be family
I was hoping you would be my family
If it ends how can it be family?

Ah, the question I've asked since before I knew I was asking. When I discovered I had no biological family, I realized that to have family, I had to choose to bond with those around me and choose family. I realized I had no definition, no reference other than the biological families I observed and stories about families and they were all so different in so many ways. I needed to define family for myself. I looked for the commonalities and similarities in how families behaved and decided that the ideal family lives and would die for each other. The ultimate sacrifice for another living being is being willing to give your life so that other being may live.

It's in all the books. lol.

I laugh to keep from crying.

Unfortunately, I have yet to find anyone who might die for me and so I accept a compromise of the ideal and base my choices on core values, on purest intentions, on what the person wants most in this life. My family is a person who wants peace and happiness in this life and above all else, to do no harm. My family wants no pain or suffering by my (or our) hands. I've come to compromise that as well, since we eat living things in order to survive so we have a hand in the death of living things. It may contradict my wanting to belief that all life is family, but there is an idealistic dreamer at my core who reaches beyond the understanding of life and death as we know it to find peace with some sort of unexplained balance. Intend no harm, do as little harm as possible. This is how I want to live. This is how I want my family to want to live. This is how I want us to help each other live.

Did I mention I have not found someone who wants to share this?

Still, there's always hope. Jackson is as close as I've come to a heart with purely harmless intentions. She does not always succeed, like me and perhaps everyone else, but she hurts more than anyone I know when others hurt. She does not handle it well and I sometimes fear for her emotional safety (even her physical safety at peak pain-feeling). I am not sure she knows she is an empath or maybe she does not understand how to process the feelings all the time. It is what makes her my choice for family at this time.

Being empathic comes with a fragility that requires great strength and many empaths do not develop such strength, leaving them confused and releasing the emotions in a variety of ways, some that appear incongruous with the caring that brings the ability to feel as an empath feels. The emotion coming in overwhelms the mind and it can lead to erratic, even violent behaviors that appear random (and may well be at times), sometimes aimed inward (ulcers are one result of repressed emotional energies, but the body reacts in a myriad of ways we barely know of).

In some ways, perhaps it is a desperate attempt to find some control of the flood of emotions overwhelming the mind and the people, experiences, and/or events stimulating the emotions. It is challenging for many people to accept some things are beyond our control, or unknown, for tat matter.

Anyway, this blog began maybe a year before I moved in with Jackson, which was part of a life change that inspired a shelving of the previous daily blog (that babbling madness called Behind The Candoor, for those of you who've been around that long. Have I said thank you lately? More than words will ever be able to express, I love you for continuing to check in on me. I am still hoping we will share more, if just a (or another) brief visit so we can look into each others eyes and smile, someday.

As I was saying, this blog has since been shelved, relatively, and a new daily has been flowing since the last major life change, which included Jackson and Curious (her/our cat) moving out, the loss of Happiness (her/or dog, who's ashes, or at least some of them, are carefully placed on a shelf wherever I may live... I still miss him dearly), and an adventure in living like a refugee in various places because, well, you can read about it in the current daily, ironically called in case it matters.

I stopped by here today for a specific purpose, however, and it appears that redefining what family means to me is part of that. The inspiration for this longer-than-usual brief daily retrospective entry is simply to say...

I chose you as family
because your heart is pure
I see and feel you feeling me
for your heart has no door
love is forever when it's real
and that can be challenging
for people lie and cheat and steal
egos all want to be king
but for those of us who's hearts take lead
this world can be cruel to feel
when it overwhelms, please remember me
I am here to help you heal

It's my own way of being family
I don't know how else to do it
whatever you may be going through
I am here to help you through it
I want no one to ever feel pain
and I know you wish the same for me
so you know I will say it again
we are family

On the day you came into the world
This world became a better place
and every year I will remind you
with the smile upon my face
when I think of you and feel your heart
I feel hope for humanity
so as another year of your life starts
Happy Birthday, family
Happy Birthday, my family

Happy Birthday, Jackson
Happy Birthday, E

We Did Have Fun Once, Right?

I just don't want to let go of the sharing we had, whatever it was, I want it to have meaning and lasting effect on our affect in this life. I just want to remember the good times and resolve the unspoken frustrations, the challenges and betrayals, so I know I was not just used and it meant something to you too. I want to believe it was more fun than stress, more fun than anything else. So I don't let go and I keep coming back because I want to know what it meant to you to live with me all these years.

There's always hope (so I hope), ya know?

I just want to know.

Narf :)

What Was Real, What Is Real

Maybe you were never here
and maybe you never cared
maybe you just used me when you needed me
I hardly ever see you now
but you still call when you need something
even now

and next year
and next year
will it still be the same
will you leave me alone
until you need something

we all need something
I need honesty
I need someone who cares
I need loyalty

we all need something
I need a friend
someone who won't leave
love without end

and still I keep this blog alive
somehow to keep this hope alive
that you may stop the lie
and be a friend someday

and if that time ever arrives
I hope I am still alive
so your heart doesn't hurt
because you stayed away

it is still not too late to keep your promise
to not abandon me like all the others
it's still not too late to be the person you want to b
it's in your heart to believe we are all sisters and brothers
imagine all the people sharing all the world
the dream really can come true
the goodness in your heart has the best of intentions
but what is real is what you do

what was real, what is real
is you only use me when you need me
but what is real can change in a moment
you can be the friend you want to be

another year
it is next year
will it still be the same
will you leave me alone
until you need something

we all need something
and when you need me
I'll still be here
I'll still be there

we all need something
and I need you to be
the person you want to be
so you can know peace
stop being afraid
to be who you want to be
true to your word
a true friend
true to family

the end of this song is waiting for you...

b

So many people promise to love forever, to always be there, to always care. So many people just drop that promise when someone else comes into their lives. So many people are torn by betrayal, living in fear, afraid to share. You don't have to be one of those people. Live up to the ideals of your steeple. You don't have to abandon your friends. You can prove your love never ends.

Yeah, yeah yeah.

Everyone I've ever loved has left me. Still somehow I believe in the possibility that human beings can be trusted. There are almost seven thousand entries in this blog, almost all written while living with my BFF. At least that's what she called me. A while back I lived with someone who called me the love of my life for eight years. We even bought a house together. I don't hear from her anymore. I gave everything I had to another who let be take the role of father to her kids and she left me on the street with nothing, literally, nothing. It took me more than a year to rebuild a life. Then there was first love. We were forever, or so we said. BFF is supposed to be forever too. Forever doesn't mean the same thing to me I guess.

There were others I trusted and they took everything I could give until I had nothing left and they left when I had no more to give them. All called themselves friends. All took everything I could give and left as soon as I had no more to give. None stayed in touch, except one, but mostly by text unless she need something. Yes, you.

I don't know why I continue believing in human beings when I have so much evidence that people can not be trusted. I just keep believing there is someone who can give it all the way I do and keep hoping I will find her and she will want to share it all with me.

None of the doors ever close. None of the blogs ever end.

That was real, this is real.

Narf :)

I Won't Give Up On Us

Close to a birthday of family adopted 22 or more years ago yet silent for much of the last 20 years and so much murky waters have passing into the abyss that any reasonable normal human mind might suggest I cross the line into insanity or at least some accepted mental disorder, obsessive compulsive or (open the DSM V and explore) whatever, but I am what I am and I do not renege on my adoptions as anyone who knows me can attest (and a new test is on-going as this date occurs, no doubt {and there is no doubt that the challenge this time is second only to the challenge last time and what does that make this, test four in this life?... A, S, G, E... others?... adopt, separate, give, [no word for E quite yet , so perhaps expect, evolve, abyss , eternity, extrapolate, ethereal, oh so many are in contention, every one with more or less potential, can it get more exciting than this?], e... or actually perhaps five [M before A but not after X or ?... ?] or more as well, but this was he second longest adoption with living together [and, come to think of it, there were at least two more N, M, after G but before H, though my investment was slightly less emotional and dependent] with dependency since the longest and age plays a definitive roll in the bounce back regeneration process, but all this [and that too], is an obscurity [multiple layers of obscurity, in fact] of many different colors [and this was a parentheses of many different levels, one for the ages, no doubt, again] that we can explore [if we remember] when we are a we again}, and it continues in this blog in some sort of mad secret life lives on some different plane of consciousness or alternate universe, even, perhaps in ethereal as the e-the-real will not let go of hope, faith, belief, or any such conceptual connections), so this added value entry appears as if it was always here, if you dare dive deep into the abyss of the ethereal with me and make some semblance of sense of the multitude of words and thousands of entries you can find here.

What?

I won't give up on us, that's all. Every one. (wink)

Narf :)

every now and then

amidst the structures, challenges, and distractions of life there is always hope in my mind that the most precious dreams will one day come true and that is why i will, in spite of the somewhat more official the end having already happened (though if you are reading this blog chronologically, you ought to know time/date stamps are quite relative by now and you can stop scratching your head... unless, of course, it itches), return here now and then to wake the sleeping masses of page viewers (and you and anyone who follows the links to their natural conclusions, wherever that might be) and stimulate the statistics that provide some data that encourages the illusion of popularity that provides fuel for the hope delusion in my mind...

or something like that (at least we can still find me laughing at myself without you, at least until you let me know you are there... always hope, remember?)... I am still writing daily, now and then more than ever, in case it matters...

you are missed :)

there's always hope...

Yes, we recently declared The End of an Era. Yes, this (e)thereal blog officially came to a point of semi-closure and a moment of moving on some time back. But did you think I was really gone?... did you think our time together was really over?... is the fool on the hill ever really done?... there is so much more to explore if you want it... there's always hope, ya know?).

Not only are there many dozens of entries left in progress in the notepad scribbles that may be pre-dated and uploaded as if they were always here somday (time is relative, after all), but just as is the case with all the previous dailies (and almost all other blogs and spaces in the written gardens), In keeping with the history (of course I should be sleeping) and traditions (in the bios) of self-inquiry (and creating me) and life (the early years) of the old world (like a fool in the chill) left behind (from the beginning) in this blogging life (and these blogging lives) from the early (behind the candoor) babbles (in The Real(TM)) and rhymes (from planet candora) and fundamental (the funda know) transition (bullsugar) into the last daily (in (e)thereal splendor) with the flurry of others (opinions and complaints) not withstanding in these written gardens, this blog shall find entries uploaded whenever the whim might lead me here (so have no fear as the long strange trip down the long and winding road will continue wherever it may lead just as the song never ends.

Follow the links and you shall find
the never ending story of my heart and mind
if you care and share, be so inclined
and you will never be left behind

I may not always be like a hurricane, but here I am :)

I Could Disappear

The daily blog before this one supposedly has more than a dozen followers and this one has a few, as I noted. That does not mean anyone reads these words. Certainly there have been no comments recently and just one, a birthday wish, that was not SPAM all year. Thank you for that. The few commenters I've had here over the years know how to reach me through other means, so ultimately, I could literally disappear from the web and my disappearance might not even be noticed for months. That is sad, yet I am not here for the comments or even for you, dear readers. I am here for me first and for the one primarily. If you are reading, I love you for that and I am here for you too, but I don't even know if you are there (in spite of my millions of fan mail from flounders and other species) so it is not always easy to maintain the illusion of you. I hope you understand that and the reality does not offend or hurt in any way. Every now and then, I need to adjust my perspective to return to reality. This is one of those times as I am more alone in the real world than I've been in a long time and I must live in the real world now and then or it will sneak up and cover me with a dark blanket of loneliness and frustration. We don't want that, not do we?

If I disappear, I'll try to write (lol lam lamm - that last one is laughing at my madness).

maybe I meant, don't forget to write...

Narf :)

a hundred thousand plus

that's right, this blog has reached one hundred thousand page views and now, the numbers move on... it is a momentus occasion, no doubt... this is not the first blog to reach the 100,000 mark and it took longer than it did for others and others had a whole lot more comments but that is because they were in communities (diaryland and livejournal)... i miss those days when there was an interactive audience out there (the millions of email and snail mail fan letters are great, but the friends, old and new, are missed... papa can you hear me?)... life is boring these days without the work i love... there is softball, but the leagues pause around the holidays so not so much after next week (thank goodness for atournament in new orleans coming up) and there are games and the insatiable cat to occupy time... jackson is hardly ever around so the lonely lonelies are powerful but in spite of the challenges, the fact is that hope still springs eternal, even in the fall... and of course there is facebook for distraction and as always, whatever... and did you miss curious?...

of course we are having fun, me myself and the rest of the voices in my head...

narf :)

part eleven (illusions)

somewhere within the babbles, somewhere between the lines, the truth may be discovered, but is it yours of mine?... somewhere within the rhythm or lost within the rhyme, we choose our own religions, one lie at a time... in our delusions, we hide our crimes... in our illusions, we hid our minds... in our confusion, we avoid what we don't want to see and by refusing, you may never know me... i would have told you if you asked but you didn't want to know for when i tried you'd look away and distract yourself with with facebook on your phone or something on tv or something else... you never really wanted to know me... i would have told you, if you had listened, but when i tried to you would zone out and your mind went somewhere else so let's not pretend you wanted to know when you showed me you didn't want to know every time... and you still have nothing to say... and you still silently walk away... and you still don't acknowledge who i am... yet you call me your best friend... and i am to understand... i adopted you as my family... so i love you unconditionally... so you don't have to listen and you don't have to care to know who i really am... i am still here as family, understand?... i hope you don't let any guilt get in your way... i hope you don't push me away... i've lost family this way... but i won't pretend you know me... you don't know what's going on inside of me... we're family, not bffs, and i accept that... i hope you can too... but you don't call me family so i accept i am a bff to you... somewhere inside i think you always knew...

you know you found reality when you can finally relax...

narf :)

part ten (morning breath)

morning (like sunday morning sunshine?) comes so slippery (or quickly in some ways) and no one has arrived as if anyone was expected but there is always that hope someone will show up at the precise moment i am open to opening all the shutters on my windows and unlocking all the locks upon my doors and brushing away the cobwebs from my day-dreams and actualizing no secrets coming between us anymore (what?) which is the way to the healing of the broken heart that comes from any number of things or events or experiences (like even broken promises) which is the only way to returning to a state of readiness to actualize unconditional trust which is the only way to actualize unconditional love which is the only reason for living worth living for for any person consciously aware of the most infinitely perfect bliss this life has to offer (at least that is my belief) so even as the cat and the tv and facebook and food and drink and any number of distractions effectively lead us in revolving intersecting circles the intersections bring us home again to g...

harry understood (or at least i wanted him to)...

narf :)

part eight (again?)

broken promises hurt so much, broken trains of thought may help the healing by helping forgetting but forgetting is like aspirin, masking the pain and not preventing the cause from hurting in some other way so resolving the cause and resolving the borken promises (or whatever loss causes the pain) is the way to return to a whole heart and peace and happiness and security and the wonders of unconditional trust and love and hope and that is the only way to make the dream come true and until that happens, the dream is over (and not in a good way) and will not come true but there is always hope (i hope) so never give up and never surrender and keep the promise to walk on through the wind and rain and do everything possible to heal and even if it takes another and the other dies before they help, being true to the glorious quest will allow peace and satisfaction when the end finally comes and so until then we go on believing in miracles and the goodness of the human heart even if there are hearts closed to repair broken promises or worse, simply avoiding the possibility and therein making it seem like the impossible dream...

can you really imagine? or is it just a pretty song?...

narf :)

old friends, bookends

and when i am cut
do i not bleed?

so another year slipped by so far away and here i am with nothing left to say so what i do in my redundant way is continue to hope and love and play the same old game of babble... let the meter and cadence and rhythm and rhymes not get in our way...

dear ray... i wish i could feel the love and trust we shared in our friendship in our younger years... today no one shares that way... maybe that is what growing up does to us... drifting apart... detached from our heart... and yet, i still wish you a happy birth day today...

dear barb... i wish i could feel the love and trust we shared when we were together in our younger years... today no one shares that way... maybe i no longer deserve that level of respect and trust and love... disillusioned... detached from humanity... and yet, i still wish you a happy birthday today...

my intention was always to keep in touch and somehow i failed myself and you and you and everyone i've ever loved... and now, all the reasons fade into a pile of foolishness i cast aside because they do not matter... the past is unchangeable... the only power we have is to do what we can do in the present... and if i could i would hug you right now... for you believed in me and i would really like to feel someone does again... and i believed in you and still do... wherever you are... hope our paths cross again...

life goes on, huh?...

incomplete begging

the sad joke (is it irony?) is nobody even notices even when i put it out there... the highs and lows, the strengths and weaknesses, i upload words and hope... and hope... and hope... and nothing ever comes... for no one ever notices...

even incomplete, it always seems to be the same conclusion (prophesy or dream), i just keep hoping and dreaming and until the dream comes true, i keep reaching out while i let distraction from the challenges of life (what?) keep me semi-sane, still hoping someone might understand the fading optimism i am trying to save (at least for the moment) and be the one to save me from myself (or something like that)...

and in another mood, i still want to believe i might be found, even if it's out of the blue... i need no heart of gold, just a heart that's true...

keep it up

writing and sleeping, the two most important things for me to do right now... and exercise would be wise, but even staying physically alive is secondary to writing and sleeping for what good is living if the mind is so tired it is cloudy groggy caught in a quagmire of confusion that could trip perspective into an abyss of depression... of course, from my perspective to this point in this life experience, there is no good reason to end a life as long as there is a chance of changing even the worst quality of life (and there's always hope)... so write and sleep... keep the words flowing until the words guide me through the challenges and help me find the positive perspective that is somewhere inside... every experience, no matter hos sad or painful or frightening or traumatic, is a learning opportunity...

idle time and an idle mind are not friends when hurting... alone can be challenging too, but unless someone really knows me, i'm better off alone sometimes as superficial sharing is more depressing than being alone...

still, it is easier said than done...

sigh...

early and late

yes, so i was inspired by something, most likely memory, to write this for mikey b and while i was not looking at a calendar at the time, it was an early celebration of an old friend's life and impact on me... and today, i am late saying Happy Birthday, but then, i've always rebelled against doing things because it is time to do them, especially showing love, because calendars should not control the expression of love... and that's not just a good way to justify forgetting dates and that's not just a logical explanation for belated birthday wishes and the fact that i celebrate the life and birth of those i love all the time, not just one day a year, but it is nonetheless true...

and while i am pretty sure j's birthday is a whole other time of year, i celebrate today as well...

my own birth date comes and goes each year with little or no notice... jackson and a couple of other people remember, but few even know the date of my birth (and even i question the accuracy because i don't think i ever saw my actual birth papers) and that is how it was from birth, birthday celebrations ended before i started school (before i could actually understand what meaning people but into them) and a couple of people would hand me a few dollars and that was it... though there was that sweet sixteen party, the one shining memory of birthday celebrating that my first girlfriend and her best friend did... i should remember that and forget the emptiness of other years, right?...

anyway, this is here to say Happy Birthday to Mikey B, a friend and a memory, once lost somewhere in misery, i hope life smiles today for you, my friend Mikey B...

you deserve a happy day, hope you make it that way...

and for j

j is an online friend of mine
and she can write words that glow
simply too sensitive for this world
her body always tells her so
at least that is what i believe
she feels the pain of the truth
some of us are put on earth to grieve
the abused potential of our youth
as the sun shines on another day
she can pause and see above the fray
as most people just rush on their way
she can feel the world wasting away
and sometimes there's nothing left to say...

but i hope her hope will stay
for another day

yes i hope her words will come out to play
to glow another day
j, glow another day