sometimes overwhelmed

the feeling of feeling overwhelmed, that is, that stuff has gotten so out of control that i don't have time or desire to clean up a mess, yeah that feeling, well, that feeling has popped up recently and seems to be trying to move into the psyche as a real part of life, like as in a decision... i don't want to accept that decision cuz it is giving up and i don't like giving up... but the physical mess in this apartment is going to take many hours to fix and i am not feeling like doing it alone and jackson simply does not have time to do it because she works three jobs and is burning out and there is a voice in my head screaming it's not fair that i must do almost all the cleaning and fixing around the house and also pay most of the bills while she works and does other social things (not a lot, but more than i do cuz i am such a hermit these days)... and i just put my finger on the biggest obstacle... i work a lot of hours too and i treasure my time off and i resent having to clean up behind both of us just so i can get part of the monthly expenses... it's better than not getting any help with the expenses, but i want my me-time... i pay for it, after all... when is it my time, when do i get taken care of?... is that a selfish perspective?... probably, for a parent, but...

there is still the happy-go-lucky kid inside who can easily be oblivious to all madness on the outside of the head (its a cold cruel world in so many ways), but there are more moments lately when i am feeling more more alone, depressed, irritable, and apathetic than there have been in a long time... the scariest part is that i am forgetting it is a choice more often than ever before which is how a person loses control and ultimately, loses their mind... losing my mind was never the plan in this life, though there have been times i wondered if just giving up and admitting myself to a psych ward where i could read and write and browse the internet would be so much easier... this is even more appealing when i am in hermity mode feeling like nobody would miss me if i simply went inside, so to speak... it makes so much sense to some fundamental parts of me, remember?...

need to change the corrent prevailing perspective to stay on the outside...

luckily life (and perpective) is momentary...

narf...