later this week (nonsense bounce)

some time next week (or later this week) fatigue lead me to let go of the wheel and along came the roller coaster flying off the track (a bit)... so the day started with positive feedback from those i supervise at work, negative feedback from those i hardly see and those above me, then coaching to make me better as if i am not good enough, though that could just be my poor-me perspective... and the cat stares up at me for attention... then home to get ready for softball and support a very insecure jackson who does not dress up often but bought a dress and shoes and had a powerful bout of low self-esteem (i wish i could help her turn her external locus of control around because an external locus of control can way too easily lead to powerlessness, helplessness, and misery when self-worth is dependant on what others think) so i gave as much emotional support as i had in me and hope all is well... then off to softball and a weak game at the plate (for everyone as we left bases loaded twice in six innings, the first time was me), though i did get two weak hits that drove in four runs and i scored another run and pitched well so we won 16-6 (we gave away a few) and i have a hurting swollen ankle from a line drive that hit the joint between the instep and the talus and ouch but i finished the game and came home to ice the foot for three hours until powerful hunger dragged me to the kitchen (no food all day) where i made a very healthy low calorie high protein meal and in the middle of the meal jackson comes home and picks a fight again (she's been at that a lot lately) and i realize too late that i am drained and vulnerable and lose take another nonsense bounce and dumped the food into the sink and we talked it out and i made a two thousand calorie (at least) mac and cheese meal (with a lot of extra cheese and butten and ketchup and raviolis and probably more like 3000+ calories and i ate it all and feel bloated and the blood pressure is ringing in the ear and self-esteem is deflated a whole lot more than any footballs might have been and that's the story for the night and it's stuck to me...

stupid, i know, to want someone to care about me, take care of me, be the strong one for once in this life... but having never experienced that, the baby inside (the youngest part of childinside... does anybody remember childinside?) still wants the unconditional love and nurturing never experienced in this life which leaves me vulnerable to the nonsense bounce now and then (way too often lately)... i still enjoy taking care of others more than most anything else, but whether that is just my way of not being alone or much more altruistic, hey, nobody's perfect...

the ankle really hurts, but whatever, right?...

narf :}