cry another river

cuz i can get lonely... cuz i can get fed up with a disappointing life... cuz i can get tired of being used and abused and finishing last cuz i'm a nice guy... but i don't want to succeed if success requires forcing people to do what they don't want to do... and yet, that is my job... motivate people to do what they don't want to do in such a clever way that they change their mind and want to do what they didn't want to do in the first place... yeah, whatever... could be i am just so depressed i am self-destructing, but who would notice?... the people who would fire me, i suppose... don't let it get you down, it's only... crap...

i let myself slide into careless apathy and nobody cares... so which comes first, mine or everybody else's?...

whatever...

what are we doing here?

i ask the question and hold out hope every moment... it is part of me... part of this life... part of this blog purpose and template... the release of thoughts and feelings, the cathartic mind dumps, the reflective therapy, the solitary creativity, the escapes into tangential distraction and amusing nonsense, the underlying themes is still the hope someone will actually read and care and share... all the other purposes for this blog are usually fulfilled most days, but the question and hope remains as there is no acknowledged connection between this blog and offline life...

more may follow...

more facebook time

someone on facebook found that 29 percent of Louisiana Republicans said Obama was responsible for the Katrina response while monicka lewinski choose thise year to come out of hiding and while she makes excellent points, her credibility would be much stronger for me if she did not try to blow off violating a marriage vow with i fell in love with my boss and skipping the publically apology the boss's wife deserves from her, especially since her timing is potentially screwing her ex-boss's wife for a second time... and then of course i got into all this stupid crap cuz i am a sucker for commenting on the pathetic state of humanity i find too easily on facebook... like do we still wonder why the white man is so easily hated so universally by anyone who is not white?... probably only if you can't see past your white...

still, finding someone like her makes all the other facebook crap worthwhile... the collaboration dream lives, come again :)

ka :)

don't let it fall apart

just because nobody cares, don't let it fall apart... just because nobody's there, don't close your aching heart... just because the world is cruel, don't abuse innocence... just because you've been abused, don't self-destruct in your defense... don't die behind a fence... blah blah blah blah blah blah... it doesn't seem to matter if i'm wrong or right, the same end comes anyway... ever since that last betrayal in toronto, i don't seem to care if i win or lose or succeed or fail... in fact, i may actually have given up and decided to simply fail because it's less painful than caring about succeeding or even giving a shit...

it is a precarious position i find myself in, or was i place here on this ledge by my own hand... could be... maybe somebody somday will care wnough to do a post mortum and find out...

narf :)

facebook moments

after a few months (four, actually) i re-activated my facebook account, at least for today, and it is good to see a high school classmate living his dream (and one of my dreams too)... facebook has it's pros and cons, but i just don't find time for it or interest in it these days... some friends in the offline world use it, softball teams use it, but i don't have time to check it often enough to depend on it for communication (and i don't want it bogging down my old phone), so i'd rather not feel obligated to get on the computer and spend an hour a day checking all the friends and teams... and then there is the news, which sucks... i don't turn on the tv news and used to read the news via facebook feeds, but the world is so depressing i'd rather not read the feeds anymore... yeah, so this momentary facebook moment is fading fast... i may leave the site active for now, but if i start hearing the same sort of "why weren't you here or there, i posted it on facebook" guilt trips from teams or friends i'll probably deactivate again... the way i see it, friends who can't call or text me don't really want me, they just want people at their event...

meanwhile, there's the sad and crazy world... a survey found that 29 percent of Louisiana Republicans said Obama was responsible for the Katrina response... a more interesting waste of time was finding a very odd name for a site comparing itself to medical marijuana... makes no sense to emphasize the law and substance abuse if you are trying to offer an alternative calming peaceful therapuetic experience to people... one person's opinion, the first five minutes were a reasonably calming sleep machine, the wind down after five minutes felt like a let down and then the lower tones felt like sitting in traffic on the highway culminating in an annoying alarm clock buzz... just because they call it marijuana does not mean it is... and i wondered over to some music... and then, who remembers the deeper roots of rap, after all, just repeating the same rebellious perspective of youth taking a serious look at the culture demanding conformity, absorbing individuality and creativity, and judging differences as wrong or evil... it is so obvious before the indoctrination, before the blinders, before the fear replaces the open mind... culture changes... but frightened people remain scary and the insistence of the adults at the time that they are right beyond question seldom waivers... even truth chnges, which is why fundamentals must be considered more important than momentary institutionalized truths...

well, before i go off on a sociological rant, i'll just close the site...

praise for the fool

the fool that i am is ridiculously self-indugent at times... waking after a few hours of sleep i found myself slightly physically hungry (just consumed maybe 1000 calories today) and seriously emotionally hungry (loneliness, alas) and so i turned on the tv and found nothing and so i went out to taco bell and bought a few things to eat and settled for old star trek next generation episodes and felt semi-satisfied while still feeling hungry so i made some chocolate milk and watched some more st:ng and remembered how irritating troy can be (particularly in the episode titled night terrors and her body suit doesn't overcome the performance) either because she is a very bad actress or because she has a way too over-dramatic character cuz, for me at least, she comes across as if emotions are so challenging to understand (and her character is quite dumb and arrogant at times) so maybe it is just over-acting or maybe she is just a very incompetent empath or perhaps there is no clearly rational reason for her rubbing me the wrong way... don't take it personally marina, it is just a character on a tv show, no matter what you may hear at conventions (wink wink)...

and really?... have you seen the depends commercial with the street crowd all walking around in nothing but depends on from the waist down?... yeah, i am scraping the bottle of the barrel for distraction and stimulus and inspiration tonight... i switched over to a dvr'ed through the wormhole as the urine smell rises again... the fabreeze didn't help, alas... lots of alas tonight... we won our softball game, coming back from being down 10-7... i used my new bat that arrived yesterday and it was ok, but nothing magical... at least not yet (ever so hopeful, we are)...

ok, so fool, yes, but praise?... really?...

narf :)

i'll just kinda slip this in here (feeling kinda)

in between all the hope and wonder and optimism and infallible spirit moments, there comes this bottomless abyss of despair, an infinite chasm of apathy, hopelessness, and blah but not just blah, a self-destructive blah of piss off people, you all suck, which is not a very successful way to be if you know what i mean... yeah, it has been a long long time since anybody actually cared about me, i mean who i am, what i want, the deeper self we don't share in everyday life and while what others think of me is relatively meaningless when determining my self-worth, there is still a point of pointlessness to the struggle, the game of business, the working for a living, when nobody really knows or cares who i am... it is so much easier just living outside of the rat race of success and failure and pressure to conform and win... if it wasn't for jackson, i might have wandered away from the working world and set off on my own again to live in my car...

playing the games of the working world just seems to ftile, so meaningless, such a ridiculously unproductive mess that it leaves me feeling kinda pathetic...

narf :}

we really need to clean deep

yes, bringing a slightly more visceral taste (or more precisely, scent) of the physical reality into (e)thereal, this space really needs a deep cleaning... a seriously powerfully disinfectant deep cleaning... the animal smell is powerful... the worst olfactory offender is the current the urine smell which is getting as strong as a new york city subway bathroom and that is close to as strong as a urine smell gets, at least in my experience... happiness has been having more accidents and jackson is not cleaning the cat box often enough, so the stink is strong in this space... i just sprayed the carpet with fabreeze, but it hasn't helped much... the floors need a good washing and the carpet needs a deep cleaning... it would help if we had the right equipment... i think we have a swifter, but we don't have a carpet shampoo machine... of course the motivation to actually clean would help as well... am i joking?... you will just have to visit the space to find out... you can bring your own clothespin...

oh ok, you want real, we actually do clean... we could clean more, and need to, cuz it's getting tough keeping up with happiness who is leaking more and more... so life is fun, writing is fun, i am still laughing at everything most of the time (and crying as well over the cruel joke humanity plays on itself by choosing to remain linded and driven by fear instead of choosing to be enlightened and liberated by love), but the place is pretty darn stinky now... sigh...

could be why my eating habits have slipped back to impulsive indulgence mode...

narf :}

rinse and repeat

just a few visitors the last few days, or week, even (cuz this continued to grow from within through parentheses like this one), so i am wondering where everybody went... everybody being the thousands of visitors this blog gets each month according to the google blogger stats (so even if they are not real, where did the not real visitors go, aye?)... the first incarnation of this entry may have been enough, but then, repetition is the sincerest form of flattery, after all... or is that imitation... perhaps we should just continue)... there is so much reality in the offline life day to day that the page views here provide a fun fandom that is supported by the loving emails and from dear friends and the fan mail from flounders (not to mention the nude and semi-nude photos from strange girls and envelopes full of money left at my old po box... it's no longer mine, by the way, i mean the po box... so don't send any more mail there, m'ok?... just call me if you have heaps of money you want to send me cuz i'll be happy to help you with that burden)... yeah, so anyway, maybe everybody went to some holiday weekend thing (i was away myself, after all) or maybe the internet was turned off for some reason, like maybe everybody was too busy to visit cuz they were glorifying war or mourning the dead or something like that (i still can't wrap my mind around the mindset that puts people in a situation where they travel thousands of miles to kill other people in mass numbers, but that's another sad story)...

well, that took a turn... so where were we?... i suppose that was the question, though i asked it more like where were you?... or even like where did everybody go? (you may have noticed)... don't be afraid (in spite of human nature, you don't have to be dominated by fear, really you don't), we will all find each other in the end cuz we are all part of everything... or something like that...

narf :)

where did everybody go?

just a few visitors the last few days, so i am wondering where everybody went... there is so much reality in this life day to day that the page views here provide a fun fandom that is supported by the loving emails and from dear friends and the fan mail from flounders (not to mention the nude and semi-nude photos from strange girls and envelopes full of money left at my old po box... it's no longer mine, by the way, so don't send any more mail there, m'ok?)... so maybe everybody went to some holiday weekend thing (i was away myself, after all) or maybe the internet was turned off for some reason, glorifying war or mourning the dead or something like that (i still can't wrap my mind around the mindset that puts people in a situation where they travel thousands of miles to kill other people in mass numbers, but that's another sad story)...

more later or something like that...

narf :)

downloading music tonight

at least it's new for my collection... a few full cds coming in the next hour or so... lana dey rey, banks, birdy, sia, marina and the diamonds, florence and the machine, alt:j... a few from each to add some new female voices to my collection and if i jump for joy over just one song out of all the songs well, that's one more jump for joy in this lifetime which is a good thing... music is such a major influence for me and over the years i spend less and less time with the songs and sounds, the words and music that can so deeply move me and inspire me to amazing experiences within this mind i inhabit... i didn't take any music with me this weekend mostly because i do not have the portability at the moment... i have a laptop with harmon kardon speakers yet it is so old it's battery is dead and it overheats so easily i need to keep a portable external fan blowing under the keyboard... and the hard drive is getting close to full... the phone is so old that it does not have the memory or battery life to be a music player... ah, from the depths of my silence i hear a voice sing what kind of fool have i become...

once upon a time i played with the cutting edge of audio and video toys spending half a year's salary on a sound system (without video)... there are more than ten thousand vinyl recordings, thousands of videos and cds and dvds in storage far away... packed away ever so carefully the last time i gave my all to sharing a life with a partner and family and when that experience ended badly, i left everything i owned with her or in storage (including my dog because she had become their dog too) and here i sit so far from that life of music and the latest gadgets and the sharing of love and intimacy... and from the depths of my loneliness i feel lots to ponder and digest, i suppose...

so what can you tell me about the music i am downloading tonight?... i know some vaguely, but some are brand new to me... your input and insight and sharing is very welcome... and if you love music, you are very welcome too...

narf :)

not enough free time

most than anything, not enough me time... not enough writing time, which is reflective and creative and therapeutic and all sorts of other me time that is essential to my balance and peace and happiness and joy and all sorts of aspects of positivity for me so dangit, i really need to find more time for me, dangit dangit dangit... and to add emphasis, if that will help me get more me time, dammit too!... and there is a new terminator coming too, dag nabit!... yeah, there must be time for irreverence or everything is lost, or all is lost, or something like that... so there is a whole lot of timespace going on at the moment in the last week of this blog and tomorrow is coming up way too soon and there are thoughts and feelings and experiences and memories awaiting processing and recording and there we come to that simple choice once again, sleep or write, write or sleep... sleep allows for better physical health and less fatigue for all that must be done tomorrow and writing allows for much more clarity in focus once a tipping point of release is reached, but much more physical and mental fatigue... the challenge is reaching that tipping point of release that there just does not seem to be enough time to get to (or hasn't been in some time, years, even)...

does all this mean anything to anyone outside of my head?...

alas...

hanging chins

frustrations and excitements and the sensual pleasures of life combined to inspire me to throw discipline and good sense out the window this past few days (and there was a reduction in the two commodities so very vital for a healthy life in the past couple of weeks so that i feel as bloated as i have all year tonight and just may not like what i see when i next step on the scale so i might avoid the unforgiving contraption until after i fast and poop a couple of few days... or i might just step on it the next time i stand up if i remember this mood i am in right at this moment the next moment i stand up because i sure am ready for a good old fashion self-focused reprimand... ut the junk food and sugar drinks and chocolate was so delicious, really... will i set my self-discipline back to high again when i wake up and maintain it throughout the next six to eight weeks so i can actually reach the tentative goal i set for myself at back some six months ago?... don'tcha just love cliffhangers?... well, not all cliffhangers, for instance, i'm not gonna be loving the cliff hanging over my belt in the morning... yeah yeah, nyuk, nyuk, we get the joke...

so do i hang my head down in despair and frustration and feel the discomfort of the double chins re-forming as the neck gets sweaty and reminds me of the foolishness of indulging the sweet tooth and decadent taste buds?... well, maybe for a moment but that sticky discomfort under my hanging chins feels so uncomfortable that if i don't lift my head i am giving up on a comfortable life and life without comfort is a quick path to death and i am not looking to die anytime soon so... shut the fuck up and get back on that self-disciplined horse... hannah?... winny?...

sheesh, did i even get to whine?...

narf :)

sleep, poop, and italian food

some yummy italian food from one of the two local places (tonight, christopher's, my kind of sauce, though we also order from procolitto's, with music... both do not have the consistency to get great marks all the time, so three and a half stars, but that's the best i've found in this area)... speaking of half a star, who considers big chain pizza actual pizza?... chains don't even get half a star from me... not that i will refuse chain pizza all the time, just most of the time... i need to be in a seriously junk food mood and will likely go to any chain (or many as i did in atlanta) in that case... i haven't had the big chain pizza in a long time since i don't socialize as much as i used to and have a could of local italian places when i want pizza or any italian food... i consider the big chains the dog-food of pizza...

the rest of the title of this entry refers to heading back to bed after waking early and not waking again until after noon and feeling euphoric and remembering the feelings of good dreams (no specifics, i don't bring specifics into consciousness too often, just the feelings cuz the specifics are just symbols anyway... it's the feelings that matter, the feelings are the real things) ready for even more deeper sleep... happiness was awake and lively so i took him out, but he sat on his poop as he was pooping (it happens more and more lately, poor old guy) and then pulled off the leash when i tried to bring him inside to clean him up and so we spent an extra 40 minutes outside until it finally was ready to come in and then i finally cleaned him and when jackson got home she gave him a bath and i ordered the yummy food that the first paragraph mentions cuz i did not feel like eating and wanted some comfort food and jackson was all for that...

the last year(s) of a dogs life is tough on the humans caring for the dog... can't be too much fun for the dog, though dog brains are so much more sensible than human brains... maybe it proves that ignorance is bliss... or living in the moment is how to enjoy life best... or something like that...

narf :)

not giving up

that's right... no matter how challenging the situation gets, no matter how little time there is for living life away from the work (loving the work helps, but still, life is so much more than work and my non-work life has been missing a whole lot for a long long time which is disheartening at the very least), i will not give up... no, i will not go quietly into the long night of wherever because i can still think and feel and move and enjoy moments and give and most of all, love... yes, i can still love and i'm sure gonna do it again when the next chance comes around... not giving up, every moment, not giving up... that's my plan and i'm sticking to it... good for the mind, yay says the mind...

now if i can only get running and gym work and other real exercise into that plan, the body would be as happy as the mind...

narf :)

tournaments are fun

even with a team that is not always there and with some players who simply do not listen and a coach that does not show up and does not teach anything or have functional practices, tournaments are fun and i wish i had the chance (and time) more of them... we played seven games this time around... we won the first two which were round robin games and finished 6th in the seeding for the tournament... we lost the first game of the tournament after waiting around for six hours so we started the second day at 8am and won the first two games on the second day by run rule (10 or more rules) and the third game (i forget the score as time ran out) on the second day... we should have won the fourth game, but the team simply is not in good enough physical condition to play four or more games in a day (or a tournament, for that matter), so we lost that fourth game by a few runs and we were done... finishing 5-2 for the tournament isn't bad considering this was the team's first tournament, but we have such glaring weaknesses, especially a few players who simply do not listen and repeat the same mistakes over and over, which leaves me very frustrated...

just getting home (flew up saturday morning and flew back tonight)... so all in all, not enough exercise for me, not enough teamwork, not enough stamina for most of the others (and they are decades younger than me, but insist on going out drinking and staying out late not caring really about teamwork and winning... that is what i don't understand... they can go out drinking any night, any weekend, and we can only win a tournament a few weekends a year and they don't have the discipline to get rest and drink the right kind of fluids and eat healthy the day weekend of a tournament)... still, more fun than sitting home...

seventh place out of twenty two teams is not terrible...

narf...

the word tonight?

yes, well, these two entries have two things in common (at least at first glance) and the first is they have had the most visitors or page views in the past week and the second thing they have in common is the word tonight? in the interrogative in the title so this entry is a test to see if the word tonight? in the interrogative is some sort of visitor or page view magnet... i will let you know the results of this loosely unscientific experiment later this week if there are any...

so meanwhile, what is the word tonight?... yeah, i know, the title was asking if the word tonight matters in the title (maybe it is the question mark itself?) but reading the title with the emphasis on the first two paragraphs brings up a whole other light on the potential for babbling here... so perhaps the word is babble... or duplex... or dichotomy... or disappointing if the baggage car did not have the right amount of luggage, or something like that... we can enjoy the most sloppy spills and ridiculous questiond, so please keep asking about anything you'd like to know and if i don't know the answer i will utilize my sources quickly and effectively to provide you with a response... it's extra to provide you with the response you want, but free of charge you will get the invaluable assistance of a master spin doctor so even the worst case scenerio will be presented in a positive and productive light that can shine you through your darkest moments...

so perhaps the word is hope...

or narf :)

strange culture

yes, as i was saying (something about comedy or perfection or politics or something like that), everything is relative to perspective and a lot of other things, for instance, there are even people who think i am funny and at least a couple or few people have thought, at least for some period of time between a moment and a couple of decades, that i was perfect (i apologize for any part i had in the perspective they somehow came to), which is why i carry grains of salt with me wherever i go... and then i was glancing up at the tv and found adorableness in a rather odd place so i looked for some information about the movie the professional and i find a discussion on a body builder message board and because i had no clue what the professional was about so i related to this:

I have no f*cking clue what's going on here.
lmao i laffed so hard at this.

now that might be amusing more or less if you knew (or know) what the film was about but just in case you don't, here is a brief summary that include's the wrier's reaction to the film:

Natalie portman is orphan
Neighbor takes her in, he's hitman/semi retard
natalie falls in love with him
he's like "Wuhhhhh? "
natalie acts like a prostitute
i get boner but feel ashamed

and the entry title thought popped into my head on a few different levels...

other comments from the body builders included:

Who the fck let this fine ass 14 year old play a reverse pedo when she was a kid? Im tripping balls watching it right now, she's begging for sex and talking about her first time and blah blah....shes 14! lol why would they make her say that? hahaha this is crazy.

and

I am man, therefore I am wrong
I have boner, because I am Man.
Because I have Boner, I am wrong.

of course censors chose to protect the usa by eliminating scenes like this (keep america ignorant) so the us version of the film changes the original story (which itself was a side project to fill time more interesting facts about the film here while waiting for bruce willis to make time for the fifth element which has been in my top ten for fun for a long time which is another tangent), but if you live in the us you are either not aware of the level of censorship you live under or you are reluctantly used seeking international versions of films and stories to get a bigger and truer picture of life (fiction or non-fiction)... by the way, in keeping the language accurate and up to date, the actor portrayed a professional hit man who was intellectually disabled... we can learn so much from tv and the internet...

narf lol :)

slate said perfect

is anything perfect?... maybe, but who am i to judge cuz i'm sure not... except inside, intentions, i have perfect intentions at the core and when i remember my intentions, i am as close to perfect as i can get, but still not quite perfect so when i read slate magazine call david letterman's final show perfect, well, i have to check it out and i must say, a little bit of wow did come over me... check it out... even if i was not enjoying chocolate milk this week, or watching young natalie portman in the professional, who really does have amazing features and is quite distracting, even at a young age (i never realized the professional was a lolita film, but i was not pondering the near perfection of portman at the start of this entry, it was the thought that slate said perfect in reference to letterman's last show... better quality can be found on the official youtube site if you prefer quality over quantity)...

as little as i watched the show (or tv not dvred... as you probably know if you read me, i glance up now and then when it is on and i am in the living room and fall asleep to it more than i actually watch anything with both eyes and the rest of my senses), i am gonna miss it from time to time... so letterman is gone and ferguson is gone (and comedy loses on tv and wandering a bit onto another plane, i wonder if there are any right wing commedianes around, anyway... but then, humor is relative... after all, there are people who laugh at lynchings and stonings and other cruelties or ignorance and even some people who think limbaugh is funny) and i guess i'll check out fallon to see celebrity talk and colbert when he comes around...

i think perfect is overrated...

narf :)

chock full of trivia (and links to more)

yes, there is one accurate alternative name for this blog (and perhaps for all of my online writings as i tend to slip and slide through all sorts of tangential thinking (with corroborating or distracting links) on my way to whatever i might be saying in most of my blogs even if each has some sort of unique theme or purpose... it is entertaining and informative for me and anyone interested and amusing to me and anyone sharing a rather loosely easy sense of humor and a wide open sense of the absurd and perhaps some modicum of a particular shade of genius (or gray, even) and a rainbow perspective helps too... infinite diversity, serious irreverence, irreverent seriousness, harmless intentions, and honest love all play an active part in almost everything i write (or do, for that matter) so it is fair to say i will offend some and still i welcome anyone to this literary dance, though i strongly discourage anyone with harmful intent because that (harmful intent) is just not any fun at all unless it's a work of fiction which actually has entertaining intent even if the story line has characters with harmful intent... if all this makes sense to you, well aren't you special?...

come on down and be ready for some unpredictable chiding and unexpected contradictions for education and/or fun... for instance, did we succeed in meeting the standards you set for this entry based on the title?... did you have any expectations?... did you know we didn't?... how does that effect your affect?... can you feel me now?...

well, thanks for stopping by and reading and wherever you go and whatever you do after this, make it a wonderful time...

narf :)

seeking creativity

while love is still all it is supposed to be in my mind, the magical perfect illusion shared by two who feel as one, i crave creativity almost as much as i crave love... the mind is so fried that the chocolate buzz is a chocolate fog, but somewhere in the dimly lit memory is the excitement of creativity and the anticipation of sharing creativity and that is what is buzzing around beneath the fog... sensuality is somewhere under that too and the combination of the two is the sweetest ecstacy life has to offer, so be on the look out for the creative sensuality or the sensual creativity... not for nothing, but chicken salad was for dinner... bland, since i had nothing but chicken, macaroni, mayo, and some garlic salt, but there's a big tub of it for tomorrow to nibble on... food is one of the most sensual solitary experiences, after all... it's all a chemical reaction and the chemicals in chocolate can bring on a brain orgasm... so if i do get to sleep i may just have intercranial wet dreams... yeah, you just gonna use your imagination if you want to get there... that's creativity too, ya know...

nyuk nyuk patty whack give a dog a phone too drunk to drive so just call home... alone... poor dog...

narf :)

some sleep tonight?

and some time just after noon i must caffeinate myself tomorrow cuz i must be at work super early tomorrow and then there are lots of meetings where energy and alertness and positivity must be high all the way through five in the afternoon and so falling asleep an hour ago as i started to would have been the wisest thing i could do tonight but that might suggest i had some common sense or something like that so here i am drinking a chocolate drink made with minimal calories (stevia {30 packets}, cocoa powder {3 heaping tablespoons}, fat free milk {12 ounces}, mixed into a frosty with about a pint of pulverized ice) cuz jackson bought me some cocoa cuz i haven't had any in a couple or few weeks cuz she loves me and so i am feeling a bit of a buzz and have barely had a third of the icey goodness and the tv provides a choice between nba playoffs and nhl playoffs with jackson's chicago team playing in the hockey game and teams i don't care much about in the basketball game (so little interest in the scripted nba in recent years... before the season started the script was for the whining king to make cinderella cleveland champs and it's heading that way)...

buzzzzzzzz... yup, i made me a strong quart of cocoa magic and i'm a buzzin' good...

narf :)

maybe for attention

bring the crown for the king and if he puts it on you know he's a phoney baloney for the true king does not need a crown on his head to be real mahoney and corny words from olden times may amuse those with diverse minds but even within metered rhymes some people close their blinds cuz fear rules too many human beings and that is sad... kind of a let down... actually, a big one... let down, that is... castle burning, and all that jazz...

the words could simply be a cry for attention... or a laugh, even... so maybe tom brady should just retire and live off his girlfriend's millions... that would teach the nfl drama writers a lesson, aye?... those who read the official findings of the paid hit man who investigated say they convicted and penalized brady without actual proof so the nfl tarnished his image without actual evidence (libel?) and therein cost him potential endorsement income... then he should do commercials for air compressors and other pumps... whatever comes of the off season drama (coincidence?... probably not), he has one of the sweetest bodies to cozy up to in that girlfriend, though she appears to prefer horses... sweet bikini ride, no doubt... all this and sex drive too, how could we go wrong?...

be careful what you ask for, aye?...

narf :)

sleep is absent

i can so easily nod off after work and then i eat and play softball and i am up for a while, a while sometimes being all night and as the sun rises i am so ready to close my eyes and fall away into sweet sleep but work is a fickle mistress and it happens way too often so tonight, as happens a lot in recent weeks since i dropped some weight, there will be little or no sleep as the plan is to head out to work before 6am and actually focus on reviewing and completing written follow-up and closure on many dozens of incident reports and then talking the hundred page emergency management plan all before 8am which is impossible so i must be delusional and we can hum a few bars and fake it the way the rest of the so-called successful and/or powerful people do cuz it's almost all a matter of the confidence exuded and perspective as really nobody wants to see below the surface until it's time to tear the hero down or chop off the king's head... can you feel me?... well, maybe the previous entry with the edgy link or few (what's porn?... corn pone, porn cone, what the hell's the difference when you're genitals are asleep?... hungry?) and the possible confessions (look into my eyes to know the truth, that is, if you can handle the truth) found in some of the other links will help... one, two, three, four, well she was just seventeen la, la, la...

see me... feel me... touch me... heal me... listening?...

narf :)

nothing to do with sex

yeah, so i blinked and this odd entry, which i am pretty sure had nothing to do with sex, suddenly had more than fifty page views... if anyone can tell me why, i'd certainly appreciate it cuz curiosity is a terrible thing to waste... the one may also be a cyber genius (or gebius) who can hack anything and figure out where all the little bips and blops (or bits and bytes) come and go from... tic tic tic... don't be afraid, we mean no harm and won't do anything malicious or mean with all the information, we're just curious... and we're not cats, so we're safe too... and who wouldn't like to be ridden by hannah davis in a strong bikini (or string, for that matter), right?... she could deflate anybody's balls, if you know what i mean... or follow my drift... that last phrase actually makes a lot of sense as the vehicle slides sideways through multiple thought streams casually touching upon sensitive or titilating images or some other such distraction that most people would consider taboo (not kid swede again, wtf? {<--don't click that wtf link if you are afriad of sex, m'ok?} lol, oh lighten up already) or just a bowl of corn flakes if you can't take the heat... meanwhile, cha cha cha and you found the last few entries, but only one is up to sixty page views at the moment and we may never know why (maybe we are just not all that intelligent, aye? lol)...

sigh, sometimes i just want to shake the world so all the fear falls off, ya know?...

narf :)

no really, what's it to ya? :)

as in, the previous entry that still had more to say but i paused to sleep and still did not sleep anyway and here we are some nine hours later after ffour and a half hours on the field and still i want more with no sleep and a bum foot throbbing and four and a half hours pitching and hitting and round the horn infield practice and more pitching and more hitting and playing second base in the heat and humidity older than anyone else out there and at the fields longer than anyone else out there (cuz i practiced with two different teams), i still want more... not i could probably fall asleep for an hour but i want to write and need to be back on the road to pick up jackson in two hours so i may babble a bit or i may nod off and hope the alarm wakes me... but i still want more (being insatiable and relentlessly stubborn has always been my saving grace for even at my lowest most helpless moments in this life i simply will not be satisfied giving up for long... even when it is starting to make more and more sense as the years pass, stubborn makes me the fool who won't completely quit and always wanting more makes me the fool who just won't close all the doors on hope for finding the more i am looking for... yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

could be i've simply learned to hide how unbelievable wonderful i am so well that nobody actually sees or knows how unbelievably wonderful i am... so maybe i am finally just normal and average and conforming like everybody else... innocuous living breeds in the numbness, numbness leads to peace and happiness...

fulfillment, as most people know, comes after death...so what's it to ya?...

narf :)

oh, sometimes irreverence drips with sarcasm

and sometimes it don't... doesn't even... yeah, and sometimes we feel like a nut and sometimes we don't, or maybe it's just me and the milions who sang along with the commercial... not judging you if you don't, i mean, ever... not to reference the old oft mocked saying "well I never!" cuz we wouldn't do such a thing, right?... so what's up out there world (and dear friends and readers and fans and patrons of the arts... by the way, patrons, just sending out a friendly and every so humbly appreciative reminder that your annual renewal for the endowment for the perpetuation of babbling and the fund for repetitive redundancy, servious irreverence, and irreverence serious that you usually send in on the first of may might have been lost in the mail so we at the foundation would so appreciate you checking on that check or electronic transfer of funds... the foundation treasures your support more than words can say but in keeping with the founding fools motto, why say in a few words what can be said so much more playfully in a thousand, i mean, we artists can draw you a picture but writers, well, we need a thousand words, or so the saying goes"...

life has been good, fun, full of softball (where we are at this very moment), and ever so babbly lately that we are dancing for joy... and joy is dancing for us at midnight after she finishes sewing her new costume... she may have even written a new song to dance to, but we don't have time to find out just now as it's time to pick up jackson... yeah, the physical world (aka TheReal(TM), i mean, as opposed to (e)thereal) does need some attention now and then... take care of yourself out there and don't forget to write...

and narf :)

what's it to ya?

and as silly (or carelessly flippant) as the title may be said sometimes, i really really really want to know (how can i be sure where i stand with you?) what's it to you... what do these words mean to you?... what worth, if any, do you find here in this blog?... do you return often?... would you if you could, if you had the time, if you opened your eyes more?... do you think i should keep writing?... whatever your answer, why?... do you think i am alright or do you have concerns about my sanity?... is it all just dumb?... are you afraid of the ups and downs or just bored or uninterested?... am i undermining myself now?... a full suite of sensors and a ubiquitous monitoring system is for safety, right?... if i could matter, mean something, even bring a bit of pleasure into your world, life would be almost complete... still, all i ever needed was the one and therein we find the final piece of the puzzle of a magically delicious wonderful life (even if that old bell ringing story clarence told was all in the mind)...

more shall follow, but i'm gonna sleep for an hour now...

good morning, good morning, yeah...

narf :)

mental illness

what is mental illness?... so many things... a physical imbalance of chemicals in the brain that interferes with the bio-chemistry of thinking and understanding and deciding what actions to take in life... or simply thinking differently, disagreeing so much with the norms of the moment in a culture that the perspective appears irrational to those conforming to the norms... conformity is, after all, the drive to think and act as everyone else does no matter what is right or wrong... so many truths and acceptible human behaviors have been proven wrong over the years, after all... so when it comes down to current psychological theories, there are those who are normal who are not considered mentally ill and there are those varying from normal enough to be considered mentally ill... much of that has to do with the level of control one has over their decisions and actions... those who abandon responsibility and let themselves wander out of control as exhibited by harmful or dangerous actions are viewed as mentally ill... is he or she at risk of harm to self or others, that is the primary question asked when determining if someone should be locked up for a weekend or longer... if the answer is no, someone can be quite irrational and ridiculously irresponsible, but remain in the pervue of the so-called sane...

kill people in war and it is glorious bravery, even if some of those killed are innocent women and children... kill someone in another context and you are criminally deranged, even labelled insane... and then there are feelings... we all experience ups and downs, highs and lows, and yet, we do not perceive everyone as bipolar... to be labelled bipolar, one must experience emotional extremes that scare others and even scare the one experiencing the emotional extremes... again, it comes down to choosing to believe one is out of control... and yet, the extremes of emotion are what life is about and if we were not so afraid of the emotional roller coaster, we'd accept it, the best and the worst, and appreciate the gift of experiencing it all for it is life... we live we die, yet fear overwhelms reason so much we create limits and anyone who exceeds those limits is labelled deviant, dangerous, or worse, that magical word, evil... it really is a nice set up for those who wish to retain power over the masses... don't go starting a revolution now that you know, m'ok?...

but then, what do you know... you know what you dare to know so feel free to ignore what you don't want to know... that's the normal thing to do after all... and my way of chiding the norm or poking the beast is so quietly innocuous it can easily be ignored as if it and i was never here... is that what wayward pines is about, the lasted incarnation of invasion of the body snatchers or the spanish inquisition?... maybe you want to go under the dome of silence now... yeah, well, i'll digress anywhere it takes to keep the madness from encroaching on my personal peace so dance with the devil in the pale moonlight if you must, but hopefully enough of us people will get over our fears and the ignorance that fear perpetuates long enough to stop killing each other and ourselves long enough to wake up and choose to live life to it's full potential instead of just trying to conform to often arbitrary rules until we die and experience some promise of some better version of life after we die... life is here, life is now, fear kills it, love nurtures it, both brings excitement, joy and pain... both are part of the roller coaster ride of emotions that makes us human and alive... choose your motivation, create your experience, and may it be based on love...

we are all bipolar, get over the labels and fears and choose to love the ride...

you may even learn to enjoy it all :)

sleep tonight?

in the morning i will be waking (if i sleep tonight) to drive jackson to work which is over an hour round trip (or to her car if she convinces me she can drive and is fully over her bout of vertigo, which is at least forty minutes round trip) and then i dress for softball practice and do it... sso why am i not sleeping?... well, i was pondering mental illness for a while and this is the entry you should be reading, but i think what is probably keeping me awake is a sems of desperation for me-time, for attention, for validation, and for caring... like the who down in whoville, i just want to be recognized... i just want to matter to someone outside of my head... so i am here, i am here, i am here... now all i need is a norton to pass the word along to someone who cares... like tom chapin once sang, life is like that... and blogs are here :)

meanwhile, i keep getting these facebook text messages about posts that i thought i cancelled even though my account is deactivated at the moment and the text messages are kind of cryptic because i only see eight to ten words of the message... and even though i thought i cancelled (and didn't get messages for many weeks), i am getting text messages whenever one of the commentators from outrageous acts of science (caryn bonder) posts on her wall (usually some odd fact about animals or ecology)... i ought to check my facebook account to see if it's been hacked, but i just don't have time for it these days... especially when i want to continue babbling on like i am doing here now and for quite some time in this and other blogs... there's another entry already set to be uploaded after this one, so whatever it means to you, i obviously want to continue throwing these messages out on the cyber seas...

have to leave in less than two hours and the words just continue...

what's left to say?...

narf :)

softball bats

it is time to buy a new softball bat and while i would rather not spend $300, that's about the right price for a really good bat like Louisville Z-4000 34/30 End Loaded ASA/USSSA or a Miken Izzy Psycho 34/30 End Loaded ASA/USSSA bat... yes, i want a 34 inch 30 ounce end loaded model (and 34/30 end loaded is not easy to find... balanced would be ok too and i'd like other weights too, though i'd prefer the 34/30 end loaded) for my next bat and it must be ASA and USSSA approved since i play in both leagues... i've seen them in the mid-$200 range on sites i am not sure i should buy from and also on ebay... and i'd even buy a Louisville Z-3000 34/30 End Loaded ASA/USSSA or 2015 Miken Ultra 750X 34/30 ASA & USSSA, cheaper here (last year's models) under $200... and i very much want a heavier practice bat (i used to have a 38 ounce bomber but somehow 'lost' it at some field somewhere along with other stuff along the way... i do my best to keep close watch and track of all equipment these days)... there are a few other bats i'd like (the senior bat for instance) and others i'd consider, but not at more than $200 without some serious research and some actual swinging of the bat... the challenge is to find a place (or person) that actually has these bats in these models and weights for me to test swing them cuz buying a $200-$300 bat site unseen and unswung is not the wisest move...

anybody got any ideas?... or bats?... or extra dollars?... yeah, i ain't proud :)

narf :)

sometimes overwhelmed

the feeling of feeling overwhelmed, that is, that stuff has gotten so out of control that i don't have time or desire to clean up a mess, yeah that feeling, well, that feeling has popped up recently and seems to be trying to move into the psyche as a real part of life, like as in a decision... i don't want to accept that decision cuz it is giving up and i don't like giving up... but the physical mess in this apartment is going to take many hours to fix and i am not feeling like doing it alone and jackson simply does not have time to do it because she works three jobs and is burning out and there is a voice in my head screaming it's not fair that i must do almost all the cleaning and fixing around the house and also pay most of the bills while she works and does other social things (not a lot, but more than i do cuz i am such a hermit these days)... and i just put my finger on the biggest obstacle... i work a lot of hours too and i treasure my time off and i resent having to clean up behind both of us just so i can get part of the monthly expenses... it's better than not getting any help with the expenses, but i want my me-time... i pay for it, after all... when is it my time, when do i get taken care of?... is that a selfish perspective?... probably, for a parent, but...

there is still the happy-go-lucky kid inside who can easily be oblivious to all madness on the outside of the head (its a cold cruel world in so many ways), but there are more moments lately when i am feeling more more alone, depressed, irritable, and apathetic than there have been in a long time... the scariest part is that i am forgetting it is a choice more often than ever before which is how a person loses control and ultimately, loses their mind... losing my mind was never the plan in this life, though there have been times i wondered if just giving up and admitting myself to a psych ward where i could read and write and browse the internet would be so much easier... this is even more appealing when i am in hermity mode feeling like nobody would miss me if i simply went inside, so to speak... it makes so much sense to some fundamental parts of me, remember?...

need to change the corrent prevailing perspective to stay on the outside...

luckily life (and perpective) is momentary...

narf...

after reading

so i read about vertigo and anxiety and sudden rage of the dozen or so sites i explored, i decided to save links to these three vertigo websites and these two mental illness websites and these two hypertension websites and this drug website cuz that's what i gave in to taking for high blood pressure and this one because i think i shold take medical marijuana but the laws and culture in this state won't let me which is, in my opinion (at least for the moment), bad for my health so the government and society are killing me, yup, and i finished up with this website cuz i love trivia and want that slideshow as a screensaver on my computer and tv, maybe, or just on my wall as art... and if i haven't mentioned it enough, i left this for you...

narf :)

nursing mode

jackson had a bout of vertigo so i switched into nursing mode (from my usual nurturing mode, the difference in more a medical model and more alertness to care needed and some research during rest time)... she got someone to drive her home and she is laying down... the first time she experienced it we went to the emergency room and she is still paying off that bill... it was years ago... she hasn't experienced it often since, but today she needed someone to drive her home... we'll pick up her car later when she is hopefully in better shape to drive... i want her to get an MRI of her head and see an EENT and neurologist but she may not choose to... she said she did after the first time, but i don't think she saw a neurologist or EENT... sometimes i think we all have brain tumors and they only act up in a small percentage of people in specific places in the head, but that's another discussion of neuroscience we can have another time if anyone is interested... for now, jackson is curled up in bed and we are hoping for a nap and better equilibrium when she wakes... which lead me to do some reading...

i am reading now :)

fragmented thinking

perhaps it is the way i follow what appear to be and may actually be random tangents that lead many to dismiss me, ignore me, or otherwise want to correct me... the fool becomes insecure and defensive in those moments... can a fool be a genius in disguise?... did i ask that because i want to be a genius?... am i a genius?... what is a genius?... are we backtracking to continue the thought about intelligence from the previous entry?... is that wise?... is wisdom a combination of intelligence and common sense?... what else?... am i wise?... is it wise to ask so many questions at once?... only if one is cabable of answering so many questions at once... should we assume that most people simply don't want to or shall we suggest that most people simply do not have the mental capacity, to ability to think in parallel streams of conscious and semi-conscious and subconscious planes?... is all genius the same?... does it all break down to the fundamental components, the mathematics of everything?... what is the smallest fundamental partical of everything anyway?... is it thought?... what is thought?... is thought a particle?... a wave?... energy?... matter?... does it matter?... only if you want it to, so perhaps desire is the fundamental particle... perhaps desire is the active thought, the thought with energy and motion, as opposed to the idle thought... what is an idle thought?... a thought in neutral?... a thought without desire?... what is desire?... an empty space seeking something to fill it?... a vacuum?... have we discovered anything in this paragraph?...

jackson just got home so writing pauses...

intelligence

what is intelligence?... feel free to discuss it and while you do, i'll get on with the thought that shall become this entry... i've been told more often than i care to remember that i am too intelligent for my own good... long ago a close friend used to frequently tell me that my intelligence so outpaces my common sense that i am at risk for much harm... he was probably right because i have experienced much harm in this life, but does that make me intelligent or is allowing myself to be hurt actually make me stupid?... seems quite stupid to allow harm to self (or to anyone, for that matter)... so maybe the better question to discuss is what is common sense?... feel free to discuss that too and while you do, i shall continue the thought that shall continue this entry... yeah, so is intelligence general or specific, awareness or consciousness or simply an ability to process information... is intelligence simply memory and the ability to access memories or does one also need the ability to put specific memories together to create new ideas or solve problems to exhibit intelligence... am i asking more questions or simply pondering possibilities aloud?... what's the difference (there is one... sometimes thoughts are not connected or even serious enough to form a question worth answering, but then, is any question not worth answering?... and what's the difference between moot or rhetorical, anyway... yes, i am teasing my brain and perhaps yours too, i mean, in case you didn't notice the smirk behind the words)...

meanwhile, in other brain cells, the discussion is more visceral as i informed the coach and manager of the team that i may not pitch practice tomorrow and they took it well... i reassured them that i will be fine and may still move around fine tomorrow even, but just don't want to push... they really need to have a backup pitcher no matter how indestructable i may appear... did i mention i bought a superman shirt for superhero day at work last week?... it was the best material (dry-weave or whatever that sports material is called) of all the superhero shirts i could find on the way into work... i bought a half dozen others and gave them out to staff who did not bring one of their own cuz i am generous like that... or is that a lack of common sense... has this entry come full circle yet?... anyway, the coaches are as prepared for tomorrow as i can help them be and we shall see how tomorrow goes tomorrow... meanwhile, today is happening full of rest and relaxation and quiet so far... yours?...

narf :)

historical society (or is that hysterical?) (part two)

ok, so the previous entry was inspired by a reflection of this blogging life (sorta) that was inspired by an entry from three years ago that suddenly is the most visited entry according to blogger stats and the long and winding road lead me back to the foot which is eerily coincidental as i hurt the foot last night (though the entry mentioning it was back-posted to earlier in the week cuz i had a missing date and it was way too rambly and maybe too personal to want out front, but either of those points are beside the point) so is that the universe sending a message or the coincidence or algorithms of spambots or an actual person reading about the foot yesterday and finding another random foot entry in the past here or sa search for aspirins or just random coincidence and since knowing is unlikely, the question is moot, if not rhetorical... might as well discuss the difference betweem the simile, the metaphor, and the analogy, aye?...

i wonder who follows all this... too many words?... too many big words?...

anyway, the foot is propped up and resting cuz it still hurts when i walk but the three hours of icing definitely helped as there is no major swelling or discoloration so i should be able to test it tomorrow at practice (though i will take it light and not do all i usually do so they may need another pitcher to pitch batting practice, which they do not usually have)... i want to be able to play monday and then next weekend is a tournament with bookend games around the weekend so i can expect a minimum of six games from friday night to monday night and the potential for a lot more on the weekend though i doubt there will be more than eight or nine games total...

the historical society seems to be meandering...

narf :)

historical society (or is that hysterical?)

blogs are mini-histories of a lifetime if written in consistently and i'm about as consistent as i've ever been these past two decades since moving my hand written journals online so if we ever want to know something about the details of this life on any given day or especially any major events, all we need to do is look it up... that we being hopeful since i am the only one around here lately (except for a few very dear people who don't communicate much but you are appreciated and hopefully you know that)... the hopefulness of the we is that someone in the physical space daily life who wants to really get to know me comes along and takes advantage of the many thousands of entries across the years of blogs, diaries, and journals and decide i am their bff and they want to know everything and share everything and life in the physical spaces and maybe even more, but that's another story filled with hope and lament that you can find threaded ubiquitously throughout the blogs, diaries, and journals and most everything i do even if in recent years it is quite buried by scars and fears and subconscious and this entry has wandered quite off course, but that's the way of the babbler and it works for me even if nobody follows or cares ever again, so how are you?...

does everything always have to be so dramatic?...

maybe sometimes the answer is yes :)

lol yeah

just in case you are actually listening (reading for real?)... and then you keep wondering if anyone really knows (what is success?... what is freedom?... what is the right way to be?... what makes right right?... what makes wrong wrong?... is it just conformity?) or maybe it is just a point of view and maybe those kept locked in and kept out of the so-called free world are the ones who are truly free... and then you keep wondering what is serious and what is just kidding and what is nonsense and what is just grinning and you can get anyone to do your bidding if you give up losing by giving up winning yes you can stop losing by giving up winning... nyuk nyuk nyuk...

genius is knowing something is right even when you don't understand it...

or something like that...

narf :)

and then you keep wondering

do i want to get up again?... or would it be better just to sit here until the end of the end, do you have a friend, who doesn't pretend?... in this world of greed and corruption the heart is the last one to know so afraid of all the pain when people come only to go there is no permanence here just transient fools passing through without clues no big deal what if nothing is real what then, how would you feel?... feel the illusion, feelings are made in your mind anyway... your heart pumps the chemicals your brain needs to come out and play... create what you want to see, who you want to be, there is nothing but you in your way for everything is fantasy if you understand the life your live today... so what if it suddenly ends, others move on maybe sad for a moment or few or even longer but what about you, why should you care, you might be somewhere else or you might be nowhere yeah, maybe nowhere so make it whatever you want it to be, your heaven or hell, torture yourself or set yourself free for whatever you choose it's not win or lose, it is whatever will be... maybe nothing... maybe everything... maybe me... just be...

sometimes i just wanna get away
from the run around race of the working day
sometimes i just want to be somewhere
i don't have to think or feel or care
somewhere i don't have to choose to be
somewhere i can just experience free
can you experience free?

nothing to gain, nothing to lose, your choice so what do you choose?... choose anything or choose not to choose, accept or refuse...

yeah yeah yeah yeah, koo koo ka choose...

narf :)

why so down?

yes you, i am asking you... i know why i choose to let myself down from time to time... i want someone to care about me close up and personal and nobody does... and maybe it's mostly cuz i don't let anybody close enough and maybe that cuz i am so tired of lies and pretenses and users and abusers and frightened people hiding in delusions so widespread many will kill to defend them... or maybe it is because i feel the insecurity is like a disease, a cycle of empowering fear, and it repulses me as much as the lack of self-love that leads to useless fat that most people seem to choose these days... and the weakness of shirking responsibility, the pretending there is no choice, the bullshit of human frailty that all the religions shove at people to keep people from feeling empowered, opiate of the masses and worse, religions are the cancer of the masses... sure, make friends and influence people with that attitude, will ya?... right, who cares, right, so bored... maybe random... all the tired horses in the sun, and the next steps started years ago just linked here, what happened to the life i wanted to share?...

where does the positivity go?... where does the hope go?... how do we forget it is all a choice?... attitude, perspective, optimism, hope, it is all choice... what makes you choose the downbeats?... why do you give up?... why do you choose suicide over honesty and life?... old news?... heartbreak?... do you known ptsd too?...

narf! dammit, just narf already...

weak nyuk :}

sometimes nothing

it could be days or even weeks sometimes when life gets so busy or i just get tired and words do not flow, or at least they don't go in the box for upload, but every now and then it is a period of silence like a sentence comes to an end period, get it?) and a solemn sadness rolls in like a seemingly never-ending tide that sucks the life out of everything and leaves nothing left but sitting and wondering if it is time to just stay there and let go... have i been alone too long?... these depressing moments do not last long but they feel like forever as they drag on endlessly in a space devoid of energy and motivation and hope and there is not much worse than hopelessness in this life as the why go on? question blocks out everything else... every day i give so much time and energy to helping others helping others helping others one and on and it stays so one sided so much of the time as no one makes it personal as no one cares in the personal space, no one hugs, no one cuddles, no one close, no one even sits near enough to touch alas, the life goes by so fast and now maybe all the chances for love, or even a close friend, have passed... seriously, what is serious (and who really cares?)...

what what what what what what what whut?... i hear the words wise people say don't think that way don't think that way stay positive and hope and pray don't think that way don't think that way when loneliness leads to dismay don't think that way don't think that way hope for tomorrow no help today don't think that way don't think that way don't think that way don't think that way what what what whut?...

and we are left with just another who cares, right?...

narf :}

later this week (nonsense bounce)

some time next week (or later this week) fatigue lead me to let go of the wheel and along came the roller coaster flying off the track (a bit)... so the day started with positive feedback from those i supervise at work, negative feedback from those i hardly see and those above me, then coaching to make me better as if i am not good enough, though that could just be my poor-me perspective... and the cat stares up at me for attention... then home to get ready for softball and support a very insecure jackson who does not dress up often but bought a dress and shoes and had a powerful bout of low self-esteem (i wish i could help her turn her external locus of control around because an external locus of control can way too easily lead to powerlessness, helplessness, and misery when self-worth is dependant on what others think) so i gave as much emotional support as i had in me and hope all is well... then off to softball and a weak game at the plate (for everyone as we left bases loaded twice in six innings, the first time was me), though i did get two weak hits that drove in four runs and i scored another run and pitched well so we won 16-6 (we gave away a few) and i have a hurting swollen ankle from a line drive that hit the joint between the instep and the talus and ouch but i finished the game and came home to ice the foot for three hours until powerful hunger dragged me to the kitchen (no food all day) where i made a very healthy low calorie high protein meal and in the middle of the meal jackson comes home and picks a fight again (she's been at that a lot lately) and i realize too late that i am drained and vulnerable and lose take another nonsense bounce and dumped the food into the sink and we talked it out and i made a two thousand calorie (at least) mac and cheese meal (with a lot of extra cheese and butten and ketchup and raviolis and probably more like 3000+ calories and i ate it all and feel bloated and the blood pressure is ringing in the ear and self-esteem is deflated a whole lot more than any footballs might have been and that's the story for the night and it's stuck to me...

stupid, i know, to want someone to care about me, take care of me, be the strong one for once in this life... but having never experienced that, the baby inside (the youngest part of childinside... does anybody remember childinside?) still wants the unconditional love and nurturing never experienced in this life which leaves me vulnerable to the nonsense bounce now and then (way too often lately)... i still enjoy taking care of others more than most anything else, but whether that is just my way of not being alone or much more altruistic, hey, nobody's perfect...

the ankle really hurts, but whatever, right?...

narf :}

softballs are hard

and being a pitcher i risk death with every pitch... sure, the dramatic reality of an up to seven ounce projectile that is about twelve inches in circumference weighing almost 200kg (mass) traveling at 150kph giving a pitcher about .4 seconds (science) to react coming at my head is just something we hope doesn't happen but could happen on any pitch (studies show) and i'll pitch up to a hundred pitches a game and yet, i love the game so i risk my life... and tonight i took one off the foot just below the shin pad i wear (between the instep and the talus with enough force to head into left field and really hurt, limp, limp... i finished the game and we won and i even got a hit after no longer having any feeling in the foot (that lasted only a minute or two, then the pain started), but i'll rest for the next thirty-six hours and hopefully be ok for proactice sunday and be fine for my next game which is monday night... and the foot icing continues...

and how are your feet?...

narf :)

i knew what to do

before we get into the irreverent rambles and other babbles, this is a work-related blog so it ought to be respected and taken seriously cuz i've got a pretty important job, after all, even if it (this entry, not the job) digresses into the oblivion of nonsense just for the fun of it... there, now that we've gotten that out of the way (or is it in the way?... time may tell, but if time doesn't feel free to tell yourself), we can get on with this entry... no drumroll needed, but feel free to stroke the ego or dance in the pale moonlight, devil optional... there is so much more going on here than meets the eye...

ah, so yes, there is actual evidence that i knew what to do from the start as i wrote on the first day i started the job... now if only i remembered and followed through every day since, aye?... but they tell me i need to be vulnerable or something... maybe if i was taking this (e)thereal blog as seriously as i intended to take the record of a life blog that is still waiting for it's turn in the spotlight but this (e)thereal quasi-babbling often irreverent blog that remains a relative failure at brevity (though fun and revealing and who knows what else in the wee wee hours of the night, aye?) at least part of the time and yet still dominates even as i forget that and tell people that the TheReal(TM) blog is the current blog when it actually hasn't been the current blog for at least a few years if not five or seven or something like that though it does see some attention every now and then, but that's beside the point, whatever the point is or was...

note to self (or memo, even)... strive to (oh strive shmive, just do it) stop taking myself so seriously and relax and enjoy the ride and after all is said and done (or at least for the current moment) continue to make it a wonderful day, m'ok?...

narf :)

extra softball, yay

the sunday league is over (last week, and it was a big disappointment as we started out 7-1 giving away that one loss and then finished the second half of the season 1-5 {and that one win needed a ten run come back in the bottom of the seventh with me hitting a grand slam home run to tie it up, but otherwise we stunk it up} dropping from first to fourth tied with three other teams and dropping out of contention to do to the world series, but all in all the team was is no where near ready for any tournament, no less the world series, so whatever), but i played three hours today... two hours of a weak practice with the sunday team (the plan is to go to a tournament in atlanta in two weeks and yet just six people show up for practice today and there's no coach, so it's pretty ridiculous to be spending money to go to out of town tournaments or even to call this team and team, but that's a frustration for another time) and then the old sunday afternoon team (the one jackson and i started many years ago but we decided we had enough of the poor organization in that league) called and asked if i could pitch for them and after four innings it was 11-0 so i gave the other team some meatball pitches and they scored two runs so we played another inning and won 13-2... it was hot out there today, but i still didn't get nearly enough softball...

with a softball yell, he cried more more more :)

bouncing back and forth in time

as if time travel was as routine as breathing, i seem to bounce back and forth through time, at least according to the time date stamps on these entries, for whatever that is worth, and i wonder if reading these same six thousand plus entries in the chronological order in which they were originally written would give the entries any deeper meaning or value or worth (oh my)... yellow brick road not withstanding... when the eyes are closing, why fight it?... the rational mind can probably come up with a dozen great reasons that would have you scratching your head in wonder of the obviousness you missed, but that may be beside the point, if there was one)... the breathing helps solidify the experience into the timeless archives we call our memories... and still we are not sleeping, but the eyes are getting head... actually, that would be the eyelids, but who's counting?...

to be continue, no doubt...

narf :)

dot tk

lately the most visits to this place come from drug sites apparently from france and poland according to the google blogger audience stats and yet according to the url referral stats most are coming from .tk sites (.tk sites?... yes, .tk sites... it's apparently a phishing {and fishing} haven accessible only by canoe or raft somewhere in the south pacific... kiwi ho!), so once again the google blogger stats are more confusing than helpful and probably not worth looking at, but hey, i announce the new page views anyway cuz what else is there to do in the wee wee hours and besides, ego enjoys the illusion of popularity or something like that...

wonder what they are phishing for and if they caught anything...

narf :)

be wise, sleep more

yes, especially since this may be a very long week as jackson has a regulatory survey at her main job so she may not be able to get home to walk happiness and i could have my regulatory survey any week now (i'll usualy know by mid-day tuesday) and if it happened this week it would be very bad timing but even if it doesn't i really ought to use the wisdom in my head by letting it influence my choice when the muses want a voice and the quiet of the night allows the inspirations to flow into words or some other stimulation or distraction (but isn't distraction just another form of stimulation?) comes along to push my wanting to share buttons that strongly suggest i stay awake well into the eight hour sleep zone (that starting eight hours before the time i really ought to get up to start another good day cuz getting up later could easily turn a potentially great day into a mediocre or worst day in this roller coaster ride of emotion we call life...

so i will close my eyes now... nite nite, zzzzzzzzzz...

narf :)

me or everything (or somewhere in between)

yeah, so what i was probably trying to say in the two previous entries and possibly inspired by this or that entry, was something about how this blog is sometimes about me and the experience i loosely call life as i know it and sometimes this blog is about anything that happens to pop into the mind in the head on the shoulders of this body that i loosely call mine, or something somewhere in between... yeah, all that in the title, amazing, no doubt... einstein would have said it all in two or three symbols, but here, for no extra charge and no risk of a nuclear explosion, you get dozens of extra words to amuse or confuse as you wish... yes, as you wish...

ok, so here is an example of perspective... it works best for normal human males... imagine going fishing or hunting without the fishing or hunting... i mean, imagine going somewhere and spending many hours or days even of quiet time kicking back in a small boat or hidden in a small tent in the woods or in a tree, even, with a guy or a couple of guys... i mean, can you imagine spending all that time in close proximity to another man, laying next to another man, sleeping in a tiny space with another man, or few men even, whispering, without the excuse of killing something... homophobic much?...

feel free to communicate your perspective anytime...

with or without narf :)

what i started to say

in this previous entry i may have meandered from the point i was trying to make which was somehow about how everything is relative to mood and perspective and mood and perspective is a choice so everything is relative to choice which means or at least suggests that each choice each one of us make determines our moods and perspectives which then influences and often controls the experience we know as life, so the question of why we do not take responsibility for the power and seriousness every choice we make has over our lives is so vastly important that the fact that few ever actually ask it, no less answer it, is kind of amazingly stupid or at least profoundly irresponsible... yes, it is...

and maybe we just forgot more than we will ever know...

narf :)

relative to mood and perspective

now there are those (including myself at times, when i remember) who say perspective is a choice and mood is based on perspective so mood is a choice and sime mood is made up of, at least in part, emotions, then we might extrapolate that emotions are a choice and everything is a choice and choosing to believe that everything is a choice is a choice and a choice is a choice of course of course (of choice of choice?) and if you know the song, feel free to sing along and bring along the human star of the updated incarnation of the concept in her bikini with all the devotion she has for her horse turned toward me at least for a night or few of wild passionate sharing and if the mood is right, sex would be nice too, but we may have digressed a bit from whatever the point was supposed to be when we started this (so was this meandering a choice too?... of course of course... woah wilber)...

i'm not aware of too many things, i know what i know if you know what i mean...

narf :)

so much forgotten

i used to call it babbling and came here to (e)thereal to focus on brevity so as to increase clarity and perhaps attract more audience but that didn't work out too well sometimes as what i used to call babbling is not the babbling of today (nor is the brevity the brevity we might like to call brevity, but that's beside the point, right?... being or not being... and in t-minute nine, david thinks the nurses are stealing his shoes, which emphasizes the random connections always around us if we only open our minds, quaid or not quaid)... used to be we babbled on and on and linked a whole lot and there was always hope someone would understand the words and follow the links to understand even more even though it may have been (or be) a challenge to a closed or fear-driven mind (who doesn't have one of those these days?... feel free to step up and dance or just say i do or me or something indicating an affirmative response to this parenthetic question)... today we mostly just link a lot...

so maybe the answers are not still blowing in the wind, maybe the answers have always been inside awaiting someone who is open enough to be aware enough to actually experience them as each of us are part of everything and everything is part of us and when you know you always have a choice you choose to accept responsibility for yourself and your actions, you suddenly realize you have so much more power and control than you thought you had just the moment before...

maybe it was the the sugar rush courtesy of jeremiahs, or something like that :)

being awake helps

yeah, and being positive too... so i show up awake and positive and cheer my teammates on and stay in the game and we win 16-6... i pitched the first four innings and left while we were up 16-2 so someone else could play cuz i usually don't sub out when we are in a close game... i went four for four with a single to left, center, and two to right so being awake and seeing the ball well definitely makes a big difference... finding the right frame of mind, positivity, helps as well... repeating it to remind myself to remember this might help in the long run even if it is redundantly monotonous here and now...

now if i can only remember to stop playing the poor me sap and remember how stupidly self-defenting the victim mindset is, i'll be perfect... ok, i jest, but life was a whole lot easier when i wasn't lost in the human ignorance shuffle... the knowledge is all in there, it's just the human way to ignore it and replace it with fear and superstition and in my futile attempt to fit in (remember?), i waste a lot of time forgetting myself while hoping someone will find me...

yeah, being awake helps... anybody else awake out there?...

narf :)

food for the win!

yeah, so now the battle to not nap begins... i may head out early to watch the game before mine and talk to people at the fields... and maybe get some chocolate... the second order did come when i was just about full and ready to pack up the leftovers from the first order but of course i ate some of it and yummy yum yum, delcious... the subs were hotter than the dinners and if i wasn't starving i'd have a complaint and would have warmed it up, but i was too hungry so i ate and ate and ate... carbs and cheese and tomatoe sauce and carbs and meats and carbs... i would have some more but i don't want to be too bloated or into a carb-coma in 2 hours when i play, so it sits baiting me in front of me until i get up and put it all in the fridge... there's a midnight snack and lunch and dinner for tomorrow... oh so yum... even without the chocolate... but the night's still young, aye?...

snacking is an art form
for foodies in the know
hot or cold or even warm
taste buds enjoy the show
chocolate after parmesean
cherry ice chases it down
energy buzz turns the brain on
smiles replace the hardest frown
sensory seductions
for foodies in the know
flavorful reductions
taste buds savor the show
as the flavors flow
and now it is time to go
softball ho! :)

and this little piggy had veal

yeah, i just had to call another italian place to get the veal parm sub and while i was at it i added stuffed shells... unfortunately, i had to deal with the idiot girl who takes orders at the second place (i've hung on and given up on ordering more than once because she doesn't pay attention and may have a hearing problem, yet she takes orders over the phone in a noisy small pizzaria restaurant... they have good sauce, though prices have gone up and the other place is winning out much of the time because the girl there is like day to this one's night)... everything had to be repeated three times and once again i had to ask for the price and she put me on hold three times and came back with a price that made no sense and we discovered she put in the wrong order... she must be the owner's daughter because she is incompetent as a telephone order person and has zero customer service skills, including aggzasperated rude teenage sighs when she can't undestand or get the order right as if it is the customer's fault she is ridiculously unsuited for the job...

but all that aside, i'm getting even more food so there may even be food for sunday in spite of the pig out... jackson may be home saturday night, so i may share some (lol)... the first order will get here first, so depending how long the second order takes, i might be done before the second order gets here and i am boring myself now, so i'll move on to another subject to babble on about as i distract myself from waiting for the food to arrive...

as for the personal drama you come here for (if you are a normal human gawking at soap operas and car accidents and so on... or if you just care) jackson did break down to talk to me before she headed away for her niece's birthday... it is so challenging for her to talk about her emotions and all that repression is not healthy for her or anyone around her, but nobody's perfect (i'll take first in line for that) and i just keep trying to get her to open up so she doesn't develop ulcers and strokes and migraines and anything else that comes from too much bottled up emotion... so we are as good as it gets again and hopefully still inching closer to being the best friends we call each other... poor baby (don't call me baby), she works way too many hours and it's therapy, so you've got to have a thick skin and inner light because it is thankless work most of the time and that gets to her sometimes because she seeks validation and appreciation from others... her beautiful heart wants everyone to be happy and that leaves her very disappointed in the real world, but she does help so many people so much, she just needs to remember that and seek the reassurances and comforts where she can get them... being stubbornly independent and not wanting to ask for help doesn't help... working sundays is depressing her because she wants to go to her church and they don't have any services other than sundays... anyway, i keep on the path of enlightenment with her and sooner or later she will shine her own light brighter than any of the downbeats and negativity she deals with daily...

and the food is here so yum yum see ya :)