falling in love helps avoidance behavior, m'ok?

so i really ought to fall in love cuz i've got some serious avoindance behavior to do, nyuk nyuk, burp... well, not that i am all that into planning anything, but this morning after singing happy birthday to jackson (in three part harmony), i found out (by asking again, more directly and firmly this time) what her plans were for her birthday weekend and when she might have time for me to take her out and celebrate (we've skimped big this year on time for each other due to her work schedule and relationship leaving no quality time for anything else) and i am free all weekend cuz she will be gone from this morning through sunday when we will meet at the fields for the sunday afternoon league playoffs... lots of reasons for us to share, but alas, priorities are work and girlfriend and i suppose i've been there too... hope she doesn't fall further behind in her work or too much further in debt this weekend... she's been talking about giving me some money for rent and expenses but i haven't seen much, if any this year so far (heck, i don't want to even know the details of her weekend and how much money she'll spend... and i'm not even invited to any of it and it is becoming more and more clear i am in a parent role and shut out from her life unless i ask a lot or she really needs something... as usual for me... it does irk me some that she spends all her money on other things when the point of a roommate is to share expenses... i mean, she knows i am not working and having been for a while... sheesh, huh?... ok, let it out, don't hold back, it's healthy now and then... i feel very taken for granted and used, more with each passing month... and jacks, if you ever read this cuz you found time or someone pointed you to it, it's just the truth so let's not do the usual guilt trip cuz that's just more avoidance and the therapist in you knows that is not good cuz it just digs the hole deeper with me ignoring and enabling and you ignoring and using and draining me all the more and i know you don't really want to push me away or hurt me and this is not a fight, it is a cathartic sharing of truth - i want your truth too... accept it if you love me, i do because i love you, and i love giving and wish i could give more even though it makes life much more challenging and will likely hurt me in the end, see, i avoid reality too, i mean, i am the one getting the short end of the stick after all... now no over reactions and i've let out my frustration so i'm all better and happy for the moment and back to positive self talk, tongue out with fresh raspberries and all)... ah, but stop bringing up reality and responsibility cuz that'll just make you feel neglected and lonely... go out and have some fun and celebrate life like you usually do and what shall be shall be...

fudge... it's a good weekend for fudge :)