nope, not even close, though it is the eve of one of my personal holidays... unfortunately, the body does not want to stand any longer and the sleep is calling, so the holiday will wait... it was a busy productive excellent day... many entries with many links with much to learn and know and share... secrets, even... if you were here...
unfortunately, happiness nipped through his tail again and is now wearing his cone... i could tell he did it by the way he looked at me... we haven't found a way to keep it covered because he wags his tail so much so the only alternatives are stuff him with zyrtex, constant every second supervision 24/7, or the cone... since the zyrtex doesn't always work, we are left with the latter two choices and all it takes is a few minutes distracted by say, flooding or maybe going to the bathroom or taking a shower and he's gnawed through the skin again...
and jackson just let me know she won't be home tonight too which adds to his stress (second night sleeping without her) so i'll have to keep him close and keep the cone on when i need sleep... i need to be awake for tomorrow night and the last month or more i've been tired wednesday nights and played under par softball cuz i've changed my schedule to his on tuesday nights... tonight he will have to live with my schedule and unfortunately, his cone...
feels so mean, but i'm not the one chewing his tail :}
time to cook dinner... i was waiting to see if jackson had eaten cuz i was excited to see her reaction to the rearranging and cleaning of the place, but that'll wait until next time she comes home... for happiness, i'll find the zyrtek and hope... for me, time for food... how about you? :)
well, i finally found out why the rent on this apartment was $50 cheaper than other apartments... and maybe why people move out of this building so often... a fifteen minute cloud burst had water six plus inches on our walk and three plus inches at our front door... water was lapping right at the door jam and a half hour rain would have likely had water in the apartment... there was evidence of water damage at the entryway when we moved in and now i see why... doing to have to put towels down at the front door anytime we go away because we aren't even close to rainy season yet... they put a new drain in front of the place, but it clogs with sand and leaves too quickly because there is no grass, only sand around the drain...
gonna ask if they can put sod down to hold the sand from clogging the drain and we shall see what happens... glad it wasn't a long rain since the emergency maintenance people did not respond... i'll let them know next time water enters the apartment i'll call the fire department and they can deal with that bill since i can't rely on emergency maintenance... we all got lucky this time that the rain stopped just as the water was reaching the door jam...
the economy life on the first floor in florida... i'd be on the second floor if not for jackson and happiness... he does not need the multiple times a day stairs trip anymore... ah, there's always something, aye? :}
feet feel it, back feels it, seven hours on my feet non-stop walking around moving boxes and sorting through stuff and the kitchen and living room and patio boxes are finally in storage and for now, i pause... some sweeping, vacuuming, and tidying up can wait until later or tomorrow... i also connected the dvd player, checked to make sure it works, set up shelves for the patio, made and ate lunch, sorted through some bedroom boxes, wrote bunches of entries in various places (some are linked below, with more links to follow if you really want to know), and trimmed my nose hair... other stuff too... yes, a productive day and i am gonna lay down for a bit now...
you missed the explosion... yes, the words exploded all over the blogs and nobody was here at the moments of explosion to enjoy the experience with me... it's really so exciting, it's supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, even...
getting how around here with the patio door and windows open but rearranging and unpacking and repacking storage boxes into the storage room on the patio (porch for you northerners and midwesterners, i suppose) means leaving the doors open... got the fans on, but it's 83 degrees outside, at least... the good news is that 43% humidity is quite low for these parts... still, all this unpacking and repacking and moving stuff around is hot hot hot...
hmmmm, looks like four suit and tie with clipboard people just walked into our community... whatever they're selling, i don't want any...
if you missed the previous half dozen or so entries and all the entries and stuff linked within the previous half dozen or so entries, you will be late for the party and alas, sadly mistaken in any interpretation of this or any other whatnot you may presume to read amidst these words... it is anti-climactic of me to tell you that you should have been there when i am sending you there (or suggesting), but there was something fascinating about you anyway, so there's always hope that you will find your way (and time) through the labyrinth and and over the hills and through the dales and emerge from the gardens unscathed and emancipated from all human fears and foibles...
yes, there's always hope...
better than imaginena or bullsugar, perhaps, but not now... it's gonna happen someday, but not now... now we live in the realm of procrastinea, which isn't even a conceptualized blogspace yet, we might presume... what?... huh?... i suppose it might be now... what are crasti, anyway?... it's not all greek to you, is it?... are you part of the pro crasti nation?... just remember, no campaigning between the poles... and no champaign between the pills, either... or pills, for that matter... smoke kills, eat more brownies... cuz you never know when pure genius might emerge from who knows where, numbers, even... or random music, for that matter... oh?... what's your sign?...
nothing profound to see here, move along...
nyuk, nyuk, narf :)
that's right, the laptop is up at waist level and there shall be no more sitting today... lack of exercise is reaching unhealthy and maybe even dangerous proportions, among other things... there's stuff to do inside and outside and it's a beautiful day and i definitely sit much much more than i stand and walk, so today starts to change that habit and balance the exercise the body gets each day... at least for today...
i wonder how much excitement we'll generate standing up lol lam :)
sometimes when we touch... i mean, five new blogs!... yes, in the last hour, less even, five new blogs were created... insanity is itching to burst from the brain... or maybe it's gas... in any case, i mark the moment (a bit early, no doubt) with this entry even as i pull back on the reigns and ... what?... did i mean reins?... dang kidneys, always interrupting... take it anyway you want to, all three if you like, and then some... anyway, none of the five have seen an entry yet... so the excitement is bubbling, but not quite as exciting as excitement can get if you know what i mean... nudge nudge wink wink oink oink blink blink eye on the prize, aye gov'ner?... i mean, how could you not know what i mean... nyuk nyuk narf and all... confounded conundrum, said the curmudgeon... who died and made us king, anyway?... or gov'ner, for that matter...
ah, finally a question mark... or two... was wondering what happened to those... what?... what?... what!... creativity can be amusing or obscure or even amusing or profound, or even amusing and strange, numbers are like that too, ya know?... especially when physics meets psychics... paradigm shift: you must click and read, you must click and read, click click click, you must click and read (subliminal message was brought you you by the letter me and the number 42... punctuation marks say the most interesting things... or is that monsters... paging bugs, paging bugs, yes, yet another facebook reference from the webbot... curmudgeons need not apply, but you are still welcome if you behave... do you really want to touch me there?...
which has been a solitary day and night in recent months which would have perfectly fit the mystical quality (sans drugs, alas, we are not in washington or colorado, after all... or peru, for that matter) of the anniversary that happens to be falling on a wednesday this year, which would make the tuesday night the festival of the eve, after all... but, even more after all, this will not be a solitary night... a pause will occur in the evening that might eclipse what might have been and we shall only know when we review tomorrow after we come out on the other side of the eclipse... will it be the dark side of the moon or merely what came before and after... patience, my sons, passion, my daughters, we don't want to get anticlimactic... that might not even be a question, after all... i know, he woke me by licking my elbow, but i went back to sleep...
i found the title amusing, anyway... it could have a thousand eyes, after all... imagine that, a thousand old eyes... anyway, the show warehouse 13 was not bad, good enough to keep me watching when i am home but if i had something else to do, i'd head out and catch the show in on demand... the eye candy is not as irresistible as a couple of others, after all... and the basketball games were ok as i glanced back and forth during commercials... still trying to decide between add and adhd, tonight the former wins... which is better, after all, red label or black label?... hey hey, johnny, aye?...
sometimes the most innocuous entries coming out of the most lethargic of head spaces bring the surprise of elsewheres that are so much more interesting, or at least alive... the mood to ramble on endlessly is still not back, in case you haven't noticed... probably more ambivalent than usual... though the odd references to this or that pop in fairly regularly... pooh, poop, poo... it's a pop culture thing, no doubt... so maybe i shall start slipping more linkages (and announcements like like tomorrow april's list is posted with links to dozens of brilliant facebook comments cleverly disguised as blah blah blah... tomorrow, not now) ... been reviewing some of the past and lazily vegetating (relaxing) in the present and not thinking about the future and sharing minimally beyond softball... who looks into eyes anymore, aye?... nyuk, nyuk...
narf :)
and maybe page viewers are strangers, at least some, cuz i'm still getting thousands of page views a month... and for some strange reason, this post has 74 page views already... clueless, we are... there doesn't seem to be an easily identifiable reason... unless it's cuz it was the day of the boston marathon bombing, but i don't even mention it in that entry (it was twelve hours before)... so what gives page viewers?...
i'll catch up on the stats details another time, but one trend this month is germany is sending the most page viewers and it'll be the first time any country other than the u.s. or russian was first... in fact, the u.s. is third for the first time since i've been checking the stats... germany has more than twice as many page views as the u.s. and almost twice as many as russia and passed the u.k. on the overall page views list, moving into fourth place behind the u.s., russia, and romania... still surprised that canada languishes in ninth place, i mean, what's up with that?... anyway, what is the cause for the sudden rise of german page views?... new spambots or new fans, only you germans know for sure... turkey is in the monthly top ten for the first time... of course we still have more than twenty-three hours to go, so, keep those cards and page views coming in...
we are having so much fun, eh? :)
with plenty of rain... and basketball... and the return of warehouse 13... good food and exercise and friends and love and it would be a great balance, but alas, it's just rain, basketball, and tv... i could go out and hang with friends playing wallyball (though my arm would keep me on the sidelines), but driving out in the pouring rain and getting soaked to watch is not appealing, especially when it would mean missing the basketball and the first show of the new season that wraps up the cliffhanger from last season... does one star die?... two?... three?... more?... the whole world?... hey, it's sci-fi... douglas adams killed off the whole human race and made it amusing...
i miss ol' 42 :)
not good for the car, which will leak and stink tomorrow, alas... the good news is i let the car sit for five days and it started, which is a sign that the short is intermittent... might be in the dash as lights go on and off randomly... and happiness is not liking it because he isn't getting his extra walks... jackson isn't home tonight and i am hoping he doesn't check his tail the way he has the last two weeks... they are so connected, emotionally, that his anxiety increases when she is gone and that aggravates his skin allergies... and hopefully there will be a break in the rain later too... at least he got out for a couple of long walks earlier, but one evening walk is not what he is used to...
meanwhile, i am not doing that putting stuff in storage i intended to do cuz of the rain... but laundry and cleaning are underway... and the computer finally came back to life after a reboot... one of the issues is the upgrade of kaspersky that seems to automatically have additional scans at frequent times, sometimes constantly according to the complaints on their website... i may have to switch it to manual scans only... they better fix it fast or we'll be talking about a refund since it is not doing what i paid for... as if microsoft vista needs help screwing up...
so what's up (or down) in your world?...
you may have noticed that the poll votes for the poll below have reset again... seems they reset randomly, or perhaps there is a time limit, but if there's a time limit, why let me set the poll to last 1000 days?... anyway, worthless waste of time, this poll widget, google-blogger, in case you didn't know...
afternoon loneliness a bit, but the laundry and cleaning are calling so i'll dive in and keep hoping i won't be alone for the rest of this life and i'll have clean clothes and stuff to share whenever she gets here, aye?...
hey, whatcha expect from a randomly inserted entry, dah?
narf :)
microsoft vista or whatever it is that has slowed this computer (to a standstill) more and more is really annoying... it was never wonderful from the start, but gradually over the couple of years i've had this laptop, the system runs slower and slower, especially mail and more recently, browsing... it's ridiculous that it becomes time for a new computer because the software sucks... in the middle of an email, the software is freezing... one more reason i seldom even opening the email software, no less use email... so i close the software again without responding and wait for the frustration of wasted time to pass and then will attempt email communication again...
meanwhile, life continues to be ever so relaxing in my time away from the working world... i wish the people closest to me would relax as much as i am relaxing (my not working seems to stress others and they don't seem to hear me when i say i am not looking for work... cultural conditioning to fear unemployment and make working for money and having a job so important (like the phrase "what do you do?" is so vague and yet understood to mean "who job to you work at", or even more to the point of what people want to know, "what is your financial worth?" as opposed to wanting to know who you are) so much that it interferes with enjoying life is sad)...
alas, i can't fix others fears or cultural conditioning, so i just enjoy myself (went to a garden party ya know)... leftovers for lunch (a monte christo sandwich with a few fries and onion chips) and a bit later, some house cleaning and laundry and moving some boxes into the storage room outside... jackson will be happy when she gets home since she dislikes clutter (but she spends so much time away she still hasn't actually unpacked and moved in here... she's overextended herself in several ways and is falling behind everywhere, including work, bills, and taking care of herself... hopefully she'll figure out how to change the pattern or let me help before she gets sick)...
and you, how is your life? :)
alright, there are ways and there are ways and whatever that means, there is this way (and that way too), but the way that most likely will be considered my way by those reviewing the story of the life i live after all i9s said and done.... is here... in the words... in the gardens... in the babble...
the words about the gardens are for another time, as time may be all there is, but for now, the words remain slow and scattered as you might see looking back here and elsewhere (unless i find inspiration to take the time to fill in the time that has passed, and that is part of the way, from time to time), and even more, in the moment...
whatever this means, it was a good night, a good weekend, challenging and yummy, active and restful, unconditional and blissful, painful and fun... home continues to test how much i can give... softball continues to test how much the body can give... the body ailments test how much this body can take... continued unemployment (and family) continues how much my wallet can stretch... tv and the internet continue to offer distraction and amusement (and visual stimulation)... the hope for the one continues to test how much hope there is in the universe... anything is possible, after all...
played two games today, won one, lost one... a triple, a single, some walks, a fly out... pitched well, but the team didn't show... one tough loss to the undefeated first place team, 7-2, errors and no hitting... i went one for two, though the out should have been called off because as i swung a ball from another field landed on our infield and distracted me, so i flied out... one big win 24-11, again errors were rampant in the first two innings, but finally patience at the plate and lots of walks (the wind gave their pitcher fits and at one point he walked eight in a row) gave us a lead and then, some hits blew it open (including my triple... bases loaded at the time)... if we won both games we'd be tied for second place, but we didn't, so we are tied for third place... we place the second place team next week, final game of the season... if we win, we play them again in a playoff for second place... if we lose, we tie for third... so hopefully the team will show up and we will win...
the afternoon league was disappointing... we lost in the semi-finals 10-4... i just couched on that team this year and half the players showed up so lethargic is was sad... errors gave them seven runs and only two people were hitting, so no championship game for us... the team that beat us won in extra innings 11-9... we should have won, but we didn't show up to play so... next season starts next week, i'll be pitching again and hopefully the team will show up to play...
mostly fun, once the frustrations passed...
there is no interference blocking posts from reaching you, there is nothing wrong with your monitor (at least i hope not), the flow of entries has just slowed to a crawl here... it's been a bumpy month... i felt myself shutting down a bit for a lot of reasons including the body ills and i just haven't found the inspiration to get excited about writing like i usually do... aloneness played a factor too... if you look at entries for the month (links below) you'll see few entries this month compared to prior months and most were just a couple of catch-up spurts... i've hardly been on blogspot this month... as i've mentioned i was on facebook more and maybe the stuff i read about the news of the world (not the news itself as much as people's reactions to it) played a factor... kind of a hopeless culture getting more and more aggressively paranoia with each passing year... and a few entries in body blog touch on some of the ills, kidneys primarily with a side order of hemorrhoids (or should i say rear order) fun... if that's tmi, you are probably in the wrong place... having nobody around to care or nurse me or even know doesn't help... sitting at the laptop is not comfortable and energy has been weak... still dragging myself to pitch softball though... two wins tonight, 2 for 4 with two walks... lots of rain-outs might have been good for the body but added to the lower spirits la la la, it's such a whiney sad song, huh?... jackson's hardly home if you are wondering why the person i live with isn't around to lift spirits or nurse a bit... she's got such a busy job and life these days... anyway, maybe this weekend the body will stop distracting me and i will find some energy and inspiration and a comfortable sitting position...
and how are you? :}
been away, less facebook and internet, less tv, just away... time in my mind... some body distractions... softball... maybe this weekend i will catch up a bit... i stopped in to say i am not gone, i am just elsewhere... not so much like in the neil gaiman book, i think :)
i appreciate your patience... hope life is as goods as it gets...
as you may have noticed reviewing the last few entries, i've been wandering the web (and contrary to titles, not just the facebook world) and saddened not only by the way humans are screwing up but even more concerned about the growing paranoia raging on the web... it leads me to wonder if these people ever leave their homes and how they interact with others in the physical world, i mean, they seem so angry or afraid or both and so ready to fight...
anyway, besides web wanderings... sunday was a full day out in the drizzle starting at the morning league at 8am and hanging there watching other teams play until heading toward the afternoon field and once again, the afternoon games were rained out... so next sunday we play the semi-final game and the winner moves on to the championship game immediately afterwards... we lost the championship by 3 runs last year, we hope to get back for another shot at it this year... yesterday i was out early taking a friend to pick up her car... that's all i remember... days blur during these carefree days away from the working world... but staying busy doing something since i obviously haven't been here much...
watching the nba first round games is sad... it's almost like college basketball, even more, maybe... the final four are pretty well set and it would be shocking if there are any close series in the first round...
what have you been up to lately?...
on one level i am wasting my time wandering facebook trying to converse with people who have some very strange and even frightening opinions, especially the statements that have no basis in rational thought and suggest a level of fear that could be clinically diagnoses as paranoia and even delusional paranoia... and being that most of the time between naps is not occupied by other responsibilities or activities lately, i have been responding to a myriad of posts on facebook and on other sites... a few days ago i provided you with links to those comments, which i call more blah... and here is even more facebook blah below... feel free to enjoy it, respond to it, or ignore it as you wish :)
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
it's gotten to be a weekly thing with microsoft... i don't know if it's because vista is crap and they keep trying to fix it or if there are other things going on, but microsoft has been asking to update windows more often in recent months than it did last year... it isn't performing any better, in fact, windows and the computer has been gradually getting slower and slower over the past few months... maybe i have too much on the hard drive, but there are 85 gigs of free space, so it shouldn't be that... defrag is supposed to run weekly, but i've got the feeling it doesn't because the last time i ran it it took many hours, like overnight and into the next day... vista, another crap microsoft product... what do they care though, they are all millionaires with many billionaires at the top... while everybody else wastes time waiting for their products to work... the american way, aye?...
i think i have been spending too much time on facebook>... the negativity is so think there, it's suffocating... and the paranoia is so outrageous there, it's hard to believe... it is a very scary reflection of the home-bound minds growing in our culture...
where's the love? :)
this morning his staring and begging to go out is starting even earlier... if i was not here, would the idea of going out not be in his head... would his bladder not be pressing as hard?... will holding it all the way to 6 or later in the evening happen or would the accidents get worse?... alas, as much as i love dogs and dearly love happiness, this is why i never want to own one as long as i am not independently wealthy enough to hire someone or more people to not just walk the dog a lot, but to play with the dog a few times a day, to insure the social needs are met...
and then i disappear lol :)
not so much referring to the feeling, though the body blahs continue, more referring to the seemingly endless stream of instant and momentary conversations that facebook and other online places provide in the phenomenon of comments... feel free to bring that phenomenon here, i mean, we can be profound too, right?... ah, but i self-mock the value of the comments i leave on facebook... you can be the judge as this entry will provide links to the facebook (and other) comments i've left wherever the inspiration moved me over the past couple of weeks... much more than the usual flow, but then, it's spring, or something like that... if the link does not link to a comment, if might be because you are not logged into facebook or because the person on who's page i commented might have privacy settings on high, or something like that... meanwhile, here are the opportunities for amazement, or something like that too...
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
yeah, thinking of my favorite things cuz i am awake way earlier than intended cuz happiness reached his maximum needy point cuz jackson has been away a lot this week... i needed some water (my mistake was not bringing some into my room) and there he was sitting outside my door (if i was not looking for him i'd have stepped on him or tripped over him) and he chased me to the kitchen panting and begging at the front door... so after i got something to drink we went for a walk and now, awake way too early... by softball time tonight in 13 hours i will be sluggish and by the second game time (15 hours when i meet the toughest competition and could get hurt if i am sluggish) i will be ready for bed...
left to my own devices i'd have slept another 3-4 hours, but after a walk and the yanking on his leash he does (especially toward moving cars, trickier now that the retractable leash is broken) i am awake...
meanwhile, the stomach and urinary tract are kinda queasy... and the hemmorrhoid, while much better, is lingering... the continued granular sediment flowed out last couple of times i peed... is it diet?... increased exercise?... stress?... lack of consistent sleep?... dropping weight?... sugar?... tomato sauce?... spices?... meat?... chili?... vitamins?... not enough water?... something in the water?... cold water?... kidney deterioration?... air conditioning?... hemmorrhoid medication?... what am i leaving out?... a lot, probably... so what's the remedy?...
increased filtered water?... no more external water?... reduce what?... increase what?... change what?... start with the increased filtered water... consider moving back to drinking only distilled water... continue dropping weight... smaller meals... micro-balance meals... sleep more consistently (that would be good, if happiness cooperates)... that's it, don't want to change too much at once...
good morning, huh? :}
you don't forget your first full on tongue kiss, ya know?... yeah, it's her birthday today... and yeah, she was really good at it too... and yes, we are still in touch... we were a gang of about seven girls and four or five guys and she married one of them and they are still married... i fell for another of the girls, and then another... it got rather complicated and the others don't keep in touch (the fools), but hey, it's not their birthday...
so happy birthday hot lips, may life still be a blast :)
this blog has two followers according to blogger... but when i click on the link that is supposed to take me to my followers, only one appears... and that one is likely someone who has not visited blogger in years... the blog listed for him or her is empty, just sitting there awaiting a post... i hope all is well... and the other follower is not listed, perhaps it's a privacy setting he or she chooses or perhaps it's a blogger glitch... since i've been with blogger long before google reader or google plus and since followers were semi-merged into one or the other, a gitch is possible... the babbling blog that was the primary blog before this one has 16 followers, but not all of them show up either... it's an odd world, this google-blogger place... seems even more separate and apart than diaryland and live journal were... in any case, it was something to mention...
telephone interview in an hour...
just when we thought i ran out of steam, something profound burped out of the brain into words... it was in a private communication to an old friend, so i have not sanitized it for our protection and moved it into a public place yet, but it was one of those depressingly true enlightenments that inspire a satisfied smile that only learning can that i've probably had many times before, but anyway, hello again, humanity...
i hope we survive our childhood :)
that is where i have been, elsewhere in my head... there has been no desire to write for the past 24 hours... that is rare when i am not otherwise occupied, rare even when i am way too busy to write in a 24 hour period... i wonder what sort of massic unheaval or changes that means... if any...
i also don't like IE9 for blogging... after bouncing to firefox and IE9 and am switching to chrome...
...
not you, me... i mean, you are irrelevent, that is, to this point, i must focus on me... you can focus on anything you want... and you certainly are welcome and wanted here to share and care... i am merely pointing out to myself in my blog that i must save myself from the path of self-destruction i am on and you are not responsible for any of that, it's not you, it's me... everybody, i mean, which includes you cuz by everybody i mean everybody who does not live inside my head (and nobody does besides me and my shadows and assorted imaginary friends and fiends and this parentheses is silly, but does have a point, even though it might diminish the importance and seriousness of the rest of the entry so stop) which includes everybody... i still love you dearly, especiqally if we've shared anything (and the more shared, the more meaning to the love, ya know)... and most entries will not be so self-focused or selfish, but i must remind myself now and then, the aloneness, focus on me... wait, marilyn wrote something (thanks j), only parts of us touch only parts of others... i am the only one who can focus on all of me and if i do not do it, at least from time to time, especially when necessary to make a change, improve, or remedy some ill, i am neglecting me...
yeah, so do it instead of just calling yourself dummy, ok?...
narf :)
in the human sort of way... two distinct daily blogs, one where anything goes, one satitized for your protection, that is, nothing personal or negative about other people... the latter wide open to the public... the former, private and open to only those very few trusted for their descretion not to share details about other people and who want privacy and those able to accept expressions of how i feel as honesty without harm - truly knowing there is no harm in my intent as i to process everything i experience and feel through the written word with the further intention of finding an ultimate shared peace, balance, resolution, and mutually sustainable happiness...
i lied... it still doesn't make sense to me, but hey, maybe it's the kidney stones...
burp :}
i mean, too much complaining about others?... probably... but without a close friend to talk to about stuff, i write it out and if i start censoring myself i might as well become like everybody else and that's simply not happening (i tried and it's the one thing i gave up on cuz it's just not for me)... i feel like i am just stating the obvious, anyway... at least the obvious to me... and it's my blog, after all... but perhaps others in the real physical world would not appreciate or like or even be upset about the way i share whatever comes to mind here... most people are much more concerned what other people think of them than i am... so what do i do?... isolate myself, i suppose... or stifle myself... or write in a private blog nobody will ever read until i meet the one or maybe some really trusted friends who want to read... but who are really trusted friends and how do we know?... isn't that one of the reasons i write publicly in the first place, in the hope of finding really trusted friends who care to read and know?...
it's all as superficial as we wanna be...
still, there's a voice inside telling me jackson wouldn't like some of what i write about her... so how to sort through the stressors and frustrations and life stuff that needs to be explored and digested and resolved, at least in my mind?... without writing?... like everybody else does?... nope... more privately?... i suppose... but there are almost 4500 entries in this blog alone and i don't really want to spend days re-reading them all by myself... but asking jackson to read would be futile cuz she doesn't have the time and has no interest in blogging (she has one but doesn't use it... and i'm writing about her again, huh?... well she lives here and is a big part of my life and that's what this blog is about (my life) and sheesh, why didn't i ever learn how to feel the need to hide?)...
what secrets?... please be laughing jacks, you know how much i love you and nothing i do or say or write has any intention of hurting you and so, remind me to point this out if you ever do read any of these entries and don't like it... please tell me, m'ok?... cuz as much as i don't want to censor myself (i mean, my head might explode, ya know?), i'd do it if it meant a choice between censoring myself or pushing you away... so?...
anybody?... beuller?... is it really so challenging to understand who i am? :}
narf! :)
yeah, time for laundry... the sweat soaked sheets and towels from this very long weekend were asking for washing... and i decided to end the fast with a hot pocket... there's nothing much in the house except canned and frozen stuff... food is expensive, especially healthy food... and i have spent way way way too much money in the past few months covering all the bills without an income, so i must must must find more self-discipline... i suppose the absolute strctness of fasting is one way, and i have fasted for several days in the past, but i am givin in tonight and going to eat something else... even though i still feel seriously bloated even after not eating for almost 48 hours... nothing but water for almost 48 hours and still bloated?... and very little water the last eight hours, so what gives, body?... more evidence of the imaginary water balloons growing in my abdomen... i tell ya, they're in there!...
yeah, ok, i am back in silly spirits again... must be the laundry... no, truth is, it's food... food is my best friend... i wish i could find someone else like me in that way... everybody i meet who calls food their best friend is obses or near obese and that meanes food is not their best friend, food is their crutch and drug... too much... something is your best friend when it is not killing you, when you don't over-do it and it doesn't over-do you... when i did drugs, all those years ago, it was the same... i enjoyed playing with the drugs, the drugs were not an addiction using me... it's a matter of balance... run a marathon with me, then call food your best friend, ya falla?... ah yes, alas, sigh and all, the grand dream continues... and mocking me all the way, and i'm gonna go to the kitchen and forrage for some more now...
anybody wanna come over and play a game? :)
not like way in the future, more like next season, or next week, even... so i texed back and forth with jackson about the softball team and my thoughts on my finances (relating to the team, i still have not posed the question about her paying something for living here) and she insists i am the pitcher and did not seem to understand my reasoning (i didn't even mention the seasons i paid for two or three or more shares of the team because people didn't pay) and she went to bed before we found resolution to benching the current pitcher... a softball team that plays a seven game season and no tournaments and does no travelling does not need four pitchers... especially when one plays only pitcher (at the moment, until my arm heals) and two others play only pitcher or first base... at about $7 a game (plus gas, $5+ depending on prices), the cost for sitting on the bench like i did the last two seasons is counter productive... at least the sunday morning league is about $2.50 per game and a little less gas... s softball team with five or more people in the dugout after ten take the field is a few too many... and batting thirteen or fourteen people gives the other team an advantage as facing a pitcher more than once is a big advantage and batting 10 allows that... ah, but that's the technicalities of playing softball to win... playing to have fun means at least playing and for me, for now, financial considerations must be taken into account...
so i feel that for me, it's got to be if i pay, i play... but that sets a negative tone for the team... stillm especially in that expensive league... after two full seasons of paying and not playing at all and with my not having income at the moment, i think that's just the way it's got to be whether it is fair or not... so i told jackson i won't pay and won't pay, but i'll be there to coach like i did the last two seasons when i did pay and if all three pitchers can't make it i'll sub for them... stinks, but that's the situation when a team has too many people... jackson sits herself on the bench more than she plays trying to get everybody in the game... it just doesn't make sense to me when there are so many teams and so many leagues... we practically have enough players to start a second team in this league... so it makes sense to me to just coach since the team has become overloaded with players and pitchers during the two seasons i paid but didn't play...
the sunday afternoon league is a headache because of the amateur kid umpires (and just one per field) anyway... almost every other league is not only cheaper, but has two ASA umpires on the field... so i'll let jackson run the team as she has for the last few seasons and go along with whatever she wants... except the money, i've got to draw the line somewhere with spending...
just when we thought the sunday afternoon league could make no further stupid moves, again the umpires make a decision that gives the advantage to other team... the other team, who was given an unfair advantage last time we played them, were playing poorly and did not have a few of their best players... we are winning 11-3 in the top of the fifth when the lightening alarm sounds... so we pause and wait... and then, after 15 minutes, they tell us go home... it barely started raining... and as we were heading to the parking lot, the all clear siren rings... rather than call us back, they refuse to continue the game and they start the next game... so we will continue our game next week and the other team will probably make sure their best players show up... ridiculous... if jackson did not want to play there, i would so not play there... she says maybe a season or two more...
i've given up playing there anyway, i haven't pitched in two seasons, the first because of the arm injury and the second because they have three pitchers this season... yet i've paid $40+ each season... meanwhile, next season we have four pitchers who don't play any other positions except first base... there is something like sixteen people on the team... but even if i was playing every game, the kids they get to play amateur umpires just don't think of fairness and fairness is the umpire's primary job... so next week we play a three inning game and we will see how much they allow lineup changes... at the very least, the other team will show up prepared and an easy win, like today could have been, is not likely... but let's be hopeful, right?...
for the body... very much abdominal pain and all the fun of the kidney stone fair... so much like food poisoning, i threw out the pizza just in case... still, softball sunday... they had the backup pitcher pitch cuz we were playing a lesser team... bummed, but maybe that was for the best... i didn't tell them about my night, but... frustrated because i pay for five leagues and played just one game this week... this afternoon league i haven't played for two seasons... i'm just too nice and generous, aye?... anyway, i went 3 for 3, batting 9th again... probably have the highest batting average on the team and still batting ninth with weak hitting in front and behind me... so i was left on base all three times and there was nobody on when i got up... we won 8-5... so we are 5-2 on the season so far and the two losses were by one run to teams ahead of us in the standing, so we are doing much better than previous years...
this afternoon is a single game elimination playoff... lose one, go home... win three, we are the champions... no food for me, so i am sluggish... but i will go coach... rah rah rah, the good team player... would be nice to not have to pay since i haven't played in two seasons... would be nice if any of them cared... would be nice if i just went back to bed and stopped kvetching... hey. it was a rough night :}
narf :}
ah, the ultimate (penultimate?... is that a writer's ultimate?... pen, ya see) question... well, there are the amazing revelations that the background tv (and the bbc) are providing (that could be sarcasm, but underneath, aye?)... and if you were paying attention earlier and wondered, i did nap on and off and woke groggy, but feel all sorts of energized now most likely because of the pizza (and did i mention pineapple soda?... hey, i bought zero, as in none of the usual snacks and cookies and cakes and chips and chocolates and other snacks i usually buy, for what that's worth)... yummy pizza... and i did some exercise for a change (other than softball and long walks with happiness) which is a very good thing... i believe i am taking tonight off so i do not have a recurrence of the shin splints i had every other time i simply started daily jogging again... or else i am just stuffed with pizza and lazy...
i feel lonely some nights and this was one of those nights... there was a time when i had someone who adored me... who focused all their spare time on me, learning me, getting to know me, wanting to find out what made me happy... playing games that stimulate my mind, sharing profound thoughts and emotions through stories and music, satisfying libido, exploring sensory experiences, cooking and eating favorites foods and trying new foods, and most of all sharing interest in each other, sharing caring about each other, sharing respect and appreciation and value...
got nobody doing that around here lately... sigh and alas and all...
guess that's why i am here a lot more, huh?...
it's the best time if you have a good supermarket or store stocked well... unfortunately, the only thing open around here is a mid-sized wal-mart and it simply sucks... even as they are stocking shelves, wal-mart has cut back on stock so severely due to their recent supply chain challenges and other issues that it is no longer a satisfying shopping experience... too many things i consider staples are no longer available, especially not in the mid-sized stores... and it's pathetic as a food supermarket now... so sad, cuz the prices and selection were what drew me there... and neither beat regular supermarkets anymore... well, maybe some prices, but not all, and selection sucks, simply utterly sucks...
the pizza was delicious, and i mean indescribably better than good...
yum :)
speaking of getting my heart beating faster, this is one way... so i start with digiordo garlic crust cuz it's my favorite of the frozen crusts and then, i add stuff... whatever i am in the mood for, always cheese and sauce and spice to make it my own, and then stuff... tonight, half the pie is covered in cheese brauts... the other half covered with bbq beef... and 80% of it covered with pepperoni... with the extra sauce and added cheese it is a deliciously heavy pie... cooking now... anticipation is good for the salivary glands...
it's something to do at 4am...
you? :)
something, i hope... i mean, if your heart doesn't start beating faster for a healthy reason at least once a day, there's a physical problem in your present or future that i really hope is not happening or going to happen... do you listen to your body talk?... do you hear?... i'd like to say i do, but i only do it inconsistently and often superficially when i do... bad me, foolish me, depressing me... the world is so depressing without my help, why add to it?... no good reason, not really... so don't stop in the name of love... baby bay, let me heart your heart beat... and not just for motown, but for all towns, your town, my town, all around the town... east side and west side too...
come on, get up, stand up... stand up for your life... get the music in you...
could be a birthday gift for jackson or for me or for both of us, but today i have pondered a lot and the previous few entries may have revealed a lot more than other days (what do i know, i only see things from my perspective and that's skewed in one direction, after all... feel free to let me know how on target or way off i am, i mean, cuz you are brilliant like that and i value your opinion and you in case you are forgetting)... and hopefully i found time to nap cuz i've been sleeping in segments lately for internal and external reasons and napping in the afternoon allows the body to regenerate and the mind to do what it does in sleep as long as i reach rem and hopefully i do, but i won't unless i get to sleep so hopefully i napped... especially since i have two softball games to get to in a couple of hours... and the batting cages first... and the fun of the fair...
so do something fun this weekend or else, be depressed... that's our choice...
narf :)
my first and ultimate definition is someone who actively, as in physically (cuz caring is a verb) does things to involve themselves in your life to help in any way possible to inspire your smile without expecting anything in return, with only the hope for a smile... pro-active unconditional love, actualized all the time in the physical reality, in actions... that is a friend...
so far in this life i have come close, but not had an actual friend for more than a little while... people do not seem to be able to, or willing to, actually devote themselves to being a friend by the my definition... and for many years i would not use the word friend... my hand written writings (everything before the late 1980s) are full of sighs and laments and acceptance and acknowledgement of many aquaintences and some part-time friends and a few almost friends, but no real true friends by the definition i used...
in recent years i have accepted the word friend as most others use it, as i call jackson my best friend but in many ways she hardly knows me and doesn't really want to, but she's the closest person to me in physical space so she gets the title by default... meaningless to the bottom line child, but the core of me sledom looks around anymore... heck, the core of me seldom wakes up in the physical reality anymore... enter exercise... exercise wakes the childinside, the peanut gallery, and all the other aspects of me that sleep most of the time...
the psuedo-science of psychology might call these apsects the subconscious, unconscious, id, ego, and so on... super-ego is usually awake cuz helping others is the primary activity for me (cuz i like it and cuz the availability of opportunity to do it is infinite)... in any case, do you understand any of what i am relating here (personally or analytically or philosophically or in any way shape or form?...
feel free to share :)
as if i focus on anything else?... well, whether this whiney daily blog shows it or not, i do focus on others more than on myself most of the time, like 23.5 our of 24 hours a day... sometimes more... even when i am sleeping... other things, not just other people... at least i keep the slight thread of internal locus of control alive somehow, if only in my subconscious, or i'd be quite dead to me, really, so it's not all whatever... but it's not good for me to be so imbalanced and nobody cares enough to notice in the physical world (you can tell me all you like about it in words from afar and i seriously love and appreciate you for it, but it's an only can be done in the physical world kinda thing if you know what i mean, or even if you don't know what i mean, it's an only can be done in the physical world kind of thing and it's up to me to do, no matter how much hands on motivation might come and help... not having any, this is almost moot)... wah wah wah and all that... no excuse for me not to do it... bottom line: if i don't care, why should anybody else?... the answer to that question, my friends, is also blowing in the wind...
just cuz i care... and caring is a verb... so do it... blah...
narf :}
so i really ought to fall in love cuz i've got some serious avoindance behavior to do, nyuk nyuk, burp... well, not that i am all that into planning anything, but this morning after singing happy birthday to jackson (in three part harmony), i found out (by asking again, more directly and firmly this time) what her plans were for her birthday weekend and when she might have time for me to take her out and celebrate (we've skimped big this year on time for each other due to her work schedule and relationship leaving no quality time for anything else) and i am free all weekend cuz she will be gone from this morning through sunday when we will meet at the fields for the sunday afternoon league playoffs... lots of reasons for us to share, but alas, priorities are work and girlfriend and i suppose i've been there too... hope she doesn't fall further behind in her work or too much further in debt this weekend... she's been talking about giving me some money for rent and expenses but i haven't seen much, if any this year so far (heck, i don't want to even know the details of her weekend and how much money she'll spend... and i'm not even invited to any of it and it is becoming more and more clear i am in a parent role and shut out from her life unless i ask a lot or she really needs something... as usual for me... it does irk me some that she spends all her money on other things when the point of a roommate is to share expenses... i mean, she knows i am not working and having been for a while... sheesh, huh?... ok, let it out, don't hold back, it's healthy now and then... i feel very taken for granted and used, more with each passing month... and jacks, if you ever read this cuz you found time or someone pointed you to it, it's just the truth so let's not do the usual guilt trip cuz that's just more avoidance and the therapist in you knows that is not good cuz it just digs the hole deeper with me ignoring and enabling and you ignoring and using and draining me all the more and i know you don't really want to push me away or hurt me and this is not a fight, it is a cathartic sharing of truth - i want your truth too... accept it if you love me, i do because i love you, and i love giving and wish i could give more even though it makes life much more challenging and will likely hurt me in the end, see, i avoid reality too, i mean, i am the one getting the short end of the stick after all... now no over reactions and i've let out my frustration so i'm all better and happy for the moment and back to positive self talk, tongue out with fresh raspberries and all)... ah, but stop bringing up reality and responsibility cuz that'll just make you feel neglected and lonely... go out and have some fun and celebrate life like you usually do and what shall be shall be...
fudge... it's a good weekend for fudge :)
well, run is an exaggeration, but another walk/jog at least... that makes two days in a row, yay, however weakly... as it was in the past twenty minutes, fatigue is still strong in this one... the second day is always harder than the first, and the climb through the first week, if i keep it up, grows increasingly harder each day with pain flaring in certain areas (often shins, feet, abs, lower back) as the muscles awaken... i haven't made it through the a second or third week in quite some time... if you have time and patience and interest in research, maybe you can tell me (ah, it's been a long time since the stars aligned to bring a friend in the right place and time for that... almost not in this lifetime, aye?)... i suppose i could sign up for a support group or something like that, but then, i'd rather it be a surprise...
excuse me, it's time to sing happy birthday to jackson in three part harmony :)
cuz she is, even if she's hardly around anymore, even if it's a one way street most of the time, she's the closest one for a couple of years now (and i shall believe it's not just cuz she's financially dependant on me cuz that would be so cynical, ya know?) and most of all, it's her birthday so stay positive (i'll see her next week and hopefully she'll have a moment to celebrate)...
happy birthday best friend :)
happiness and i played a while, then jackson got home and we played words with friends (they really screwed up the latest update - hopefully they hear the compaints (pouring in) and fix it) and ruzzle (which is my new favorite game... it's basically boggle... and we watched some ncis and jackson then went to her room to get some work done and ooops, we played too much and she went to bed... she has so much workd in her job... so they are in bed and i am enjoying some of the birthday chocolate jackson bought me... mundane details, because you really must know, right? (i mean, how would you sleep without this?... by this i mean this self-mocking the importance of the minutia of this life i loosely call mine, of course)...
i am so easily amused, after all :)
yummy sweet barbeque beef on onion roll with cheese for lunch was yummy, yes it was yummy... have not made it in more than a year so it was yummier than usual and then i napped and the nap was sweet and the old puppy was staring right at me when i woke (i think licking my feet might have done it) so wewent for a walk and he ate dnner and we played and it's a beautiful comfortable day without any air conditioning with doors and windows open and the fan on but then i love the heat (it's about 80 degrees... i'll turn the air conditioner on when jackson gets home cuz she does not love the heat)... shower later too, then sweet sleep tonight (at least that's the plan)...
it's a beautidul day :)
so i ate... yes, i found a fork in the road, so i cooked food and ate... if you are laughing, you are too easy and that makes you ideal for the next step, dessert... or at least italics... now i could have hopped in the shower and taken this body to the next level after the jog/walk last night and that would have been good for the overall progress of the latest new rebuilding process begun a few hours ago, but nooooo, you had to leave that fork in the road... so i ate...
meanwhile, i am having some issues with meat lately... i seldom eat meat, but now and then i get in the mood for a cheeseburger smothered in fried onions and ketchup, especially if it's barbecued, or some other such heavily disguised meat like sweet sausage smothered in fried onions and ketchup with some mustard... hey, red onion sauce, ok, if you are a ketchup snob... anyway, the last few times i bought meat i ended up throwing the meat out... it turned brown way faster than meat used to turn brown... maybe it's cuz meat is less processed than it used to be... or more likely, it's less fresh than it used to be... supermarkets... i think i will go to a gourmet shop or meat market (butcher, for you northerners) next time... anyway, i froze the meat i bought after two days and it still turned grayish brown... i cooked it and ate it anyway and if i get sick, i'll let you know... if i die, you'll have to wait for my in case of death entry scheduled to to be uploaded some time in the future if i do not change the date to further into the future (because i didn't die, it's all very complicated i suppose)...
anyway, it was delicious, but i am not going to lose the weight i might have lost had i steamy hot showered and taken a nap and regenerated on the fat stored and woke and eaten later... but at least i did jog/walk last night, so something happened to wake me... dissatisfaction with my play (softball) last night... overall sluggishness lingering... dang hemorrhoids... flesh pickles?... conduct unbecoming an officer?... or maybe it was mila kunis... who knows, but whatever it was, it's a good thing...
you can have your fork back now :)
the key to a happy life, a peaceful life, a healthy life, is flow... energy flow... thought flow... feeling flow... anima (and non-corporal) flow... essentially, don't get in your own way... unfortunately, this is the single most frequent error most people make... and me too, so let's not pretend i am some perfect know-it-all who does not suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and human foibles... at least not for the moment (snark)...
this almost always becomes so clear, almost radically clear, after i run... especially when it is an unexpected run, an impromptu run, a run because instinct lead me to put on the running clothes/shoes and head out the door... and even more especially when the run is in the middle of the night when there are no distractions during or after the run to help me interrupt the flow...
so why do i so seldom do it? (rhetorical fool, am i? :)
narf :)
yes, much sluggish... too much soda?... not enough food?... not enough exercise... not enough good sleep... too much stress, maybe... definitely not enough life... so wake up and take care of life... the car... decide what to do... spend a couple of thousand to fix it up or buy a new one... financing a new car or even a used car without a job is not likely... so spending a couple of thousand may be my only alternative... if i wasn't already spending $1500 or so each month on living expences, grumble... if the rubber and plastic was not falling apart all over the car, it would be well worth it, but the leakes and wiring and crappy looking cracked interior will continue to deteriorate even though the engine runs great... accept driving a car that looks like crap?... if it was not a water leakage turning to stink issue, maybe... though that'll limit expanding social life... and eventually i need a car that will get me to a job dry and not smelling like a swamp...
alas, challenges are funner with more income... and less sluggishness...
did i mention pain in the ass?...
narf :}
empathy and pets do not go well together sometimes... i feel his pain, his loneliness, his longing for his mommy as he is slowly sliding into deaf-blind old age... he does not sleep well when she is not here, so unless i shut myself in my room with him outside, neither do i... and he bangs on my door when i do close my door, alas, he's conditioned to sleep with his mom and not be alone and the aging issues probably just make adjusting more challenging... he wants to be outside chasing every car in the hope that it's jackson...
i do need some sleep though, body needs healing and regeneration and there's softball tonight... too much time at home?... well, too much time thinking maybe (finances, doggie needs, life), but i don't want to feel pressured into going back to work for any reason though... i get so whiney when i am overtired, huh?...
narf...
we sometimes call happiness bubba... and sometimes bo... and sometimes bubbo-bo (it's a southern thing, must be)... and sometimes i call him pooper cuz he is a pooping machine... and he gets a sheesh tonight cuz he just woke me as in climbed on my legs and wouldn't go away... i left the patio door open for him like i did last night, but last night jackson was home so he slept with her and he's gotten too old to jump up on her bed so he sleeps on a pillow i bought him at the foot of her bed unless she helps him up on her bed... but when she is gone he gets so very needy he wakes me as if i am somehow going to take him to his momma or produce her out of thin air... poor old baby... i've got to wonder if he senses his end is coming soon... even if it's years away, he's definitely not the young pup he used to be... his hearing is almost gone... his vision is fading due to cataracts... his old bladder isn't as secure as it used to be and he pees blood whenever he urinates... he has kidney stones... and i know his old bones ache by the way he gets up and starts walking (once he's moving he's better) and by the way he reacts to being picked up...
but i really was sleeping sweetly here, bo...
short walk and here i am, awake...
ok, now some cuddling...
narf :}
ok, so not quite the playful teasing you might have hoped for based on the potential teasing mentioned in prior entries, or at least maybe subtly referred to in a line or few in one entry... continued facebook wandering... gave happoiness some much needed tlc (he's waiting up for his momma, she's staying out tonight)... fatigue calling, time for sleeping, so that is what i am going to do... right here in the living room chair cuz it's good this way sometimes and there's laundry all over the bed and it's tuesday night and jackson's away and happiness is seriously needy as usual and i'd rather sleep with him out here than in my room cuz the poor old boy really stinks these days, an old dog stink that bathing does not seem to cure for more than a few hours... anal glans stink, if you know what i mean... he rubs them on the carpet everywhere and then rubs his fur all over the spot and then he sheds so much the stink is everywhere... so we sleep out here when momma is away... if he lets me...
closing my eyes now... nite nite :)
the internet, the browser, the computer, the night, or is it just me?... well, no, it's not just me, the tech is definitely having issues tonight... firefox bit the dust and will no longer load facebook... i wonder if i offended someone who send a firefox killer to my computer... everything else opened, though slower than usual, just facebook stalled out before opening... has not happened in a long time, not with cable internet being so fast and all, still crappy glitches, but it's the fastest available around here...
so i switched over to internet explorer for the moment and shall decided whether i stay here or return to chrome... firefox lasts only a couple of months, or less, before it crapped out... i don't know what the fiss is about it, unless it's the anti-microsoft backlash that makes people think it's so good... flash crashes all the time in it... flash crashes a lot anywhere, but especially in firefox...
so anyway, the ncaa women are playing b-ball... what are you doing? :)
appreciated, that is... and as evening rolls on into night around here and i have days of empty spaces behind me, i wonder if i will pause in my aimless wanderings through life long enough to catch up with some aimless wanderings through words and blogs and such... i visited the ever popular facebook today and dropped a fair about of words around the web (i seem to be getting more likes lately, i wonder what that means) and pondered bipolar perspectives from religions to politics to social experiences as they attracted my attention and inspire a word or few... the links might be slipped into an entry but if not, some will be in the long list of links that are kind of a table of contents that is updated monthly if you know where to look (aren't i being the coy one today?)...
it's not like you you have to prove you love me, after all... well, some of you might, but... am i teasing too much?... better not be, you just have to ask if you wonder and if you don't you won't have to ask, aye?...
could be a mischievous night ahead :)
see why you are appreciated so much?... a little caring goes a long way when the people closest are not actually caring about me... alas, i am so easily taken for granted by those closest to me... someday, according the the karma balance theory, i should find someone who comes into my life to give me what i have been giving everybody else all through this life... rhoids?... oh come on, seriously...
explain later, laugh now...
narf )
and i have some catching up to do (and cleaning, always cleaning) but hey, i am content by myself these days so i don't know if the discombobulation bouncing (or is it bounding?) around inside (or is it outside) of me is all that noticeable to you and it isn't all that interesting to me, might not even be really happening as the drama of living with humans sucks me in more with each passing year... i feel the aloneness more and more (not to mention the drain on my energy and finances... i really wanted a roommate to share expenses as i am spending way more money than is wise... way more than just all of the living expenses... there always seems to be another emergency and my habit of bailing people out is, well, my bad habit)...
the discombobulation is that i am ignoring the slippery slope i am accelerating down...
and of course we must ask who cares, right? (laughing all the way)...
it's a strange solitary madness i cultivate in my house...
narf :}
life gets busy, i know, i've experienced extremely busy periods in this life before and after the advent of the widespread access to the internet, before and after the advent of widespread access to cellular telephones... in the olden days before the world wide web and cellular telephones instantly connected anyone linked in practically anytime they wanted a connection and anytime to at least leave a message, sometimes years passed without contact between the closest of friends or family across long distances... it was natural communication given the means available...
at one time it took months to send a letter across the oceans and only those with wealth could do so... we moved to advanced message delivery systems like the pony express and mail delivery using ever advancing technology until a written document, a letter from a friend, could be delivered by airmail overnight... electronic technology over the last 150 years advanced from telegraph where instant communication became available to anyone at a telegraph office at a per word fee to telephone where instant communication was available to any two people with a telephone line at a per minute fee to cellular and internet service where instant communication became available to any two or more people with cellular or internet service and a cell phone or computer for a monthly fee... eventually the instant communication might become available to anyone with a communication chip physically implanted in their brain (or right now you can wear it on your wrist as a wristband for those fearing the misuse of bio-tech or neuro-tech and other human enhancement technology and any other potential threats to cognitive liberty, which no one should take lightly, even as we digress rather far from the point of this entry... or do we? ooo-eee-aaaahhh) and a connection to a global communication network that links everyone for little or no fee as communication across the invisible electronic waves becomes as much a human right as breathing the air... science fiction is just science that has yet enter a production phase, after all...
and even at our current level of virtually instant communication, cellphones for calls and texts and voicemail and computers for reading and writing a variety of forms including emails, messages, comments, days, weeks, and even months or longer can go by without making time to communicate over the myriad of means available... sometimes work and/or people in our daily physical life takes precedence over the computer/phone communications... sometimes internal obstacles, emotions, and/or mind-blocks (from feeling worthless to feeling unappreciated to feeling the long distance communications are not real or meaningful for any reason)... sometimes it is something said or read (and i hope if anything i say or write pushes you away, you will let me know because pushing you away is not my intention...
all this to say - thank you... thank you to the few of you who take a few moments to think of me, to read these words, to use the communication systems available - comments, emails, texts, phone services, and so on - to reach out and let me know you are still alive and able to communicate... thank you for the appreciate you give me for the writing i do... thank you for acknowledging and appreciating me... especially thank you during vulnerable or challenging moments when a word from you matters more to me than you may ever know...
and yes, even as i scoff and avoid the whole life-anniversary-birthday concept for logical and illogical reasons that are my own mental games or blocks, thank you for remembering my birthday... every year i am surprised at the feeling that it really does mean something, it really does feel good to matter to you enough for you to know or want to know (asking means as much as remembering because, at least in my mind, intent means as much as successful memory)...
i wrote this entry to let you know that you are appreciated :)
i will make an effort to catch up here tomorrow and fill in the gap of missing entries while i was out playing... i attempted to keep you informed (kit) by sending text messages to post by text but unfortunately, blogger mobile blogging is not working for me for any messages of more than 160 characters (mms messages) and yet the blogger help page says it supports my carrier and SMS messages load fine... but limited to SMS, i might as well tweet... but for now let this be a lesson to us all... without mobile blogging, there is only twitter when i go out to play...
for now, with less than 8 hours sleep in the past 5 days or more, zzzzzzzzzzzz...
nite nite :)
what did the universe give you?... i got a few minutes (ok, an hour and a half) with jackson's friends and girlfriend and her daughter (and they have become my friends too, but ironically, my friends don't know when my birthday is even though a bunch of people send happy birthday wishes on facebook, go figure) at a local chinese buffet i have mentioned several times before... it's my inexpensive favorite... alas, she can't afford kobe or anywhere that gives a free birthday meal with upscale food... and the friends who can afford that are among the friends who don't know when my birthday is, mostly because i don't tell anyone, mostly because i do not like being the center of attention at a birthday party, mostly because i grew up with pretentious family who only came around to care once a year and it felt so obligatory and superficial that i am turned off by parties for me...
ain't i the pooper?...
anyway, i love jackson for doing her best to care...
