Getting Scary

I can't be sure where I will be in a couple of weeks when the lease runs out here. Jackson has not offered her couch because it is Brandi's house. I kept paying for a two bedroom place just in case her move out of state did not work a few years ago and it didn't work so she had a place to come back to and I paid most of the rent and all of the utilities for most of the years we lived together. She says she can't help me. Ouch.

I am going to see if Curly will let me stay in the unfinished room he's used for storage in a house near here for the last few years. I lost a lot of friends helping him out of a serious jam, testifying in court for him. Hopefully he will let me stay there a while. It's not comfortable, but it's got a roof and a toilet.

Job, please.

Alone

Jackson has another life now and doesn't keep in touch much. So the stockings are empty on the wall. First holiday without Happiness, ironic to no end. So feeling more alone than ever. No Happiness. No Curious. No Jackson. No family. No close friends. Just people to play cards or games, people to spend money with, superficial fun.

Sucks for now. Sucks this year.

Hopefully I will find a new job so I can find a new place to live so I can find a new friend. I am happy Jackson fell in love, but she couldn't have left me alone at a worse time. Just when I needed a friend most. Hopefully she will keep her word and help me.

Merry Happy Whatever.

my aversion to fat

sometimes my opinions are not politically correct... for instance, i have an inate aversion to fat and it is so far beyond the superficial appearance of fat, it is sometimes too deep or instinctive to explain... i see fat i see the images from biology class of the fat cells, i see images of butcher shops, i see what twenty or thirty or fifty or a hundred pounds of fat looks like... and i see the formulae from chemistry class... and more than anything else i see the medical reports on the consequences of fat... and none of that is good for anyone... so naturally i wrote the following comment after reading the comments defending fat on this article (Hopkins is an anti-fat advocate, known as a fat-shamer {which is apparently a movement in the UK}, that prompted the article)... you can read my comment here (in a blog that offers more insights (or is that incites?) into who i am, what i think, how i feel, and all sorts of stuff few have ever wanted to know...

if you think my perspective is superficial, then we can disagree but i think you don't know me or see my perspective... i think most people are in denial about a lot of things and the whole beautification of obesity is one of the most serious dinials of one of the most serious health risks facing our culture...

maybe that's why i don't have a job, aye? (hey. too much seriousness is not healthy either, m'ok?)...

narf :}

the party was for me

and it even had it's own facebook event page which was so over the top (even ego was looking for the hoopla to be toned down, but laughing too) and dear harpo did a great job, as usual, preparing food on a budget that satisfied most of the guests and he serving everyone (he so loves to do that, which is why i said yes when he suggested the party) and after dinner and dessert we broke up into games we all enjoy and maybe everyone remembered what the old games nights were about, fun with friends, and maybe everyone forgot the party was for me... that was my hope, for i am seldom in the mood to be the center of attention, especially as the years pass and i remain alone in the world (when it comes to a partnership)... i want equal billing, not a spotlight or podium, and that is what came as we played the games... but the effort harpo put into the night was a wonderful demonstration that caring is a verb... it is so good to have friends who care, especially now...

his mom fell on the way to the bathroom which caused a scare and stress, but she was about to walk and hopefully will not be too sore in the morning... other than that, the night was a warm fuzzy gathering of old friends reminding me that i do not really want to be as alone as i sometimes feel i want to be these days... next month is harpo's birthday and we will do something to celebrate...

if you want to help me find the one (i would forever be in your debt) and if you have the time, then here in the 23 blogs in the links that follow are some clues about her and important (and some silly) things to know about me and her that can help find her maybe if it makes any sense at all to you (or something like that) :)

narf :)

still have ruzzle

when seeking distraction, besides the computer chess, there is ruzzle... and while playing other people would be ok, i am more looking for solitary distraction so playing the computer or the app works well for me... selfishness is necessary during this period of adjustment to not working and job hunting... and staying awake all night to enjoy the quiet and simultaneously enjoy the solitude and lament the loneliness... maybe a little (or a lot) like dr. who (where is my clara?)... but this life i live is not is story life fiction, this is not a fantasy, not anything like what we watch on the tv or see in the movies... this is life, life as i know it... and real as it can be, my illusion, my dream... and every now and then, my nightmare... when i do not believe i deserve prosperity... when i do not believe i am worth success... when i do not believe anyone will ever truly love me unconditionally... i self-destruct... as i did once again this year... 2015, another year of burning myself out and giving up on the dream... another year of wondering if anyone will care enough to save me when i let myself fall... and testing the waters to see if the world will simply let me die...

yeah, like i said, i still have ruzzle...

narf :}

part six (sorta)

wide awake at 4am without a soul in site.. no people either... and the slow down may be starting... or perhaps there is some distraction on the tv or somewhere that is slowing down the screaming babbling that is distracting me from the screaming loneliness that might or might not be underlying everything that is being written or felt in the last few weeks or lonely or maybe even a lifetime except those rare moments and years i believe in the partner i was with and where are they now, first loves of mine, if you could see, you'd reach out to me and my moody blues and will anybody ever listen to my story?... the whole black friday consumerism is such vivid example of the sad sickness in our culture which would be a fine distraction if i was paying attention but i've done a good job of distracting myself from the culture because it frustrates me so much and just reminds me of how rare the one might be which does not help keep hope alive and well so can we please just get back to the point of all this which is distracting me from the point of all this (or this for that matter)?...

and sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy...

narf :)

part three (sorta)

it was not tv's craig ferguson bring me mila kunis that is distracting me at the moment (what's that name game he's got on the tv right now?) and being the middle of the night where i am and it having been thansksgiving the night before the stillness (or is it silence?) on facebook is not distracting me so what is distracting me and am i distracted and we could turn on rosewood and have that beautiful body distract me as i choose between the shows currently on the dvr that i watch and jackson does not watch because i try not to watch the shows she watches so we can enjoy them together but i sometimes do watch those shows before she does because she doesn't have time to watch tv more than a half hour to an hour one or two nights and week which is why we have more than 90% full dvr most of the time which prompts me to consider the enhanced dvr which has three times the space or so i am told but not until i get an income producing job again so here we are...

wherever this is (or might have been)...

narf :)

lonelier

i'm so lonely
i could die
so lonely
you know the reason why

yeah, it is getting to me, this sudden change in lifestyle... no job and no roommate at the same time, seriously too much time on my hands and yet, not enough desire to want to trust anyone at the moment, so not going anywhere much... sure, dinner out three times last week with different friends and softball (but now softball is pausing, no more on sunday until next spring, skipping weeks for holidays, and seasons ending very soon)... gonna be a very lonely holiday season, especially since i don't like the holidays and prefer to avoid the pomp and circumstance with a friend who feels the same... but there ain't nobody like that in my life today... so the loneliness is growing in it's god-awful way... no comfort found in solitary games i used to play... why can't i find someone to share, someone who wants to stay... oh yeah i'm lonely... lonelier today... lonely... lonlier than yesterday... oh i'm so lonely... don't know whay else to say... lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely and to my great dismay... i am lonelier than i've ever been in any memory of yesterday...

and i no longer believe in yesterday...

narf :}

losing sleep on facebook

actually, i nodded off just before midnight and went to bed and woke about 130am and here we are, five hours later, five hours of just one more click... curious, our cat, is awake and meowing for food and attention as usual... jackson is gone until sunday or monday... i've got a thanksgiving dinner tonight so i need to get some sleep... but the mind is a terrible thing to waste, or something like that... curious stares at me wondering what i could possibly be doing that is more important than her... even after i got up and put food in her bowl, she's waiting here by my side semi-patiently for the scratching and rubbing she loves... i must have good hands, ego says while i laugh... and loneliness screams silently which is the primary reason i am awake and sleep so little... right behind it is work, or lack thereof, and all the stress that not having income brings... idle days do not help, but the foolishness of laziness has dominated life for some time not when i am not on the softball field... and i sit here checking websites as if the answer to my current wants will suddenly appear... the job... the friend... the roommate... the partner... the love...

facebook may be just another one of those wrong places i'm been looking, aye?...

narf :}

still not sleeping again

yes, so i was nodding off before midnight last night and then the brain started wandering facebook and doing all sorts of pondering and even got creative enough to create a new group (i'll tell you about it another time) and some sort of hope was fueling more energy and writing on the facebook walls and i finally turned off the laptop around 3 and headed to bed and the mind started with the thinking some more and by 3:30 i realized i was not falling asleep so i returned to the laptop and started semi-randomly uploading entries into assorted or various blogs again cuz bits and pieces of entries and a whole lot of babbling has been piling up in the notepad and i figured it was about time to take a break from the facebook madness i've been indulging to distract me from the stresses and sadness of losses i've been processing for the past two months (pow, right in the kisser, three times strong, ya know?) and so here we are once again after subrise and we have not slept so plans to address some changes are likely not going to happen today either...

got to pay the cable bill (jackson is not mentioning it even though it's on the fridge and was due yesterday, but then, she's half moved out already and i see her a few minutes a week lately as she is probably avoiding my stresses even more than i am cuz money stresses her out a lot more than it does me so if i am stresses, she must be freaking out inside and then there is the separation anxiety, but again i distract myself from the responsibilities and changes i intend to make) and i've got to pay the tickets i got the day before the job went poof (yeah, perfect timing, right?... and it's first time in many year i missed a cop and got nailed for two tickets {asshole cop} and i have ignored dealing with the tickets for almost three weeks so the 30 days are coming up) and i must call driving schools to keep points off the license and i must call the community management to fix the kitchen drawer and i promised (well, kind of committed, not promised) --friend-- (name to be entered if i remember her blog name) that i would not sit too much and i would start jogging again and i must continue the deep cleaning of the room and house and getting to the boxes and sorting through stuff and getting rid of all but the essentials so i am ready to start over when it is time to find another roommate which might involved moving again and...

why am i not sleeping again?...

lam, narf :)

eating less, sorta

left to my own devices, i would be eating a lot less... but the social aspect of sharing meals has me eating more than i need to what with the lack of job and therein lack of movement of late... perhaps it is not wise to say no to too many invitations for social meetings over food, what with the loneliness screaming and the self-esteem gaping and the idleness telling me to go to hell or some such madness, but if not for the friends, i'd have no appetite and would be dropping pounds (which would be a good idea for the body)... a can of chicken is too filling these days... one hot dog is a meal when there is no appetite... all the emotional eating i've done in this life, suddenly i feel less hunger than i have ever remembered... and the cat sits patiently nearby, waiting for me to stop typing and put the laptop aside because jackson is gone so much, she is turning to me for all of her needs and she wants petting and scratching and stroking and loving most of the day... poor baby, her mommy is so seldom home and simply does not have time for her these days... she stops and stares with each movement i make, hoping it's her turn on my lap for a rub down... she is shedding all over the place, but she is still eating well...

i am open to anything for distraction, but i am left to my own devices most of the time now... focus, stay positive, and go with the flow of low appetite so the weight gained in the last few months can melt away... or something like that...

narf :)

reconnecting with friends

yes, that is the best part of the time away from work... while no income for an indefinite period is seriously stressful, reconnecting with friends is the reward... harpo is the most available since he has not worked a job since the early to mid-nineties... his detachment from the working world has definitely limited his social skills and unfortunately he offers weak support or energy as he is needier than i am, but he tries so hard and means so well i want to keep him around in spite of the energy drain he can be at times... and --(naes)-- called out of the blue to ask advise about something... maybe he heard i was not working or the universe gave hime a need i could help with... anyway, it was good catching up with him... i got a call from an insurance sales recruiter shortly after talking to him and he might have referred me, but i detest sales and will not work a commission sales job so it was not for me... --asil-- also called out of the blue using the facebook call feature (and we were both surprised it worked) for therapy and legal advice for someone missing out in california who has gone off her meds and might need involuntary mental health care... catching up was good for me and hopefully i offered some time and words equally as worthwhile for her...

and there was more... --sett-- called and we will be going to lunch later this week and she has money for me for the phone (she's on my plan)... and --ybba-- invited me to thanksgiving dinner with her family and though i turned down other offers, she caught me in a say yes frame of mind so i will be going there for the holiday (and i will do my best not to remember how much i do not like the holiday)... --ahsit-- reconnected recently through facebook as she does not live nearby and she still adores me for whatever reason (i must remember my worth, aye?) though somewhat like harpo, her adoration can be draining... and if any of you are reading, thank you so much for the love and i know i can be emotionally draining too but never doubt that your caring means a lot and i am so happy you choose to keep in touch in spite of my disappearances into a work life that leaves no time for anything beyond softball as i did the last two years... still others have been contacting me through facebook and phone and that is what life is about, after all, caring about people and being cared about...

it's a wonderful life when we remember that :)

potential

for anyone interested, this being (e)thereal, well, the real is you can find much more about me, i mean, if you really want to know me, you could just ask... but then, it could be i am still discovering myself and still have not expressed myself in words as clearly as needed to truly understand myself... or perhaps i did a long time ago and i am just waiting for someone to notice, understand, and want to talk about it... or perhaps i am waiting for the one who can solve the riddle, provide the proof i nee (whatever that is), and it really doesn't matter to anybody else... there is so much potential in this life, but so much is not actualized because, in spite of the best of intentions, follow through seldom happens... i probably fit right in with that failure mode so i am not that different, but there are unique aspects of my experience and mindset and beliefs that set me apart from everyone i meet... not better or worse, just apart... and that sucks (here and there) when i want to share...

whatever truth may be (verily?), we only see what we want to see and we believe what we want to believe... and whatever we believe, until we share it, it is all in our mind... illusions are all i have when it comes to unconditional love and especially when it comes to unconditional trust... and for better or worse, i've known wonderful love and trust and tested it consciously and unconsciously and never did it reach unconditional... that is one of the most unique aspects of my experience and perspective and it leaves me feeling so alone in this culture... maybe that's just because it's something nobody talks about... but i'm talking... anybody else?...

giving it all has left me alone and unable to support myself independently as i would like to... at least for now... so i must head to bed and wake and continue sending out resumes and then i must follow through on finding the emails if and when anyone responds and then must follow through and set up interviews and get my suits ready to be worn (hope i fit into at least one) and get out of the funk so i do well in interviews and have hope of finding a job that will allow me to support myself independently and still be ready to find another roommate as challenging and unpleasant and scary as that can be and most of all, find a friend i can talk to about all this, the real life, and heart of my matter and what dreams may come...

or something like that...

narf...

time on facebook

letting the laptop cool down is essential these days as the old box heats up more and more... and using facebook seems to heat it up even faster... it probably needs a good cleaning but at this point, not wanting to spend funds to replace it if something goes wrong and not wanting to spend funds to have it professionally cleaned, i use a fan and give it rest when the fan fails to keep it cool enough... the hard drive works so hard sometimes, even when i am doing nothing... one svchost.exe sucks up 200Mb of private working set memory and i have no idea what it or the other svchosts are doing with all that memory, but it definitely slows the processing and overheats the machine... at the moment, there is a 183Mb and 148Mb svchost along with about a dozen others... any idea what they are doing?...

meanwhile, i am spending more time on facebook this week... i would provide some highlights if i had links organized, but facebook does not make that easy and i am seeking distraction, not organization, so random chaos and disorganized distraction does not provide for whatever it is i am offering (or something like that)... i am diving into the world affirs, politics, religions, and all sorts of momentary lapses in reason to post my thoughts for all the world to see... probably shooting myself in the foot for job opportunities, but then, maybe i don't want to work for an organization that searches facebook to screen employees anymore... go ahead, take away my top secret security clearance because i am fed up with big brother and the horse he road in on... yeah, i get ornery when faced with the stupidity of fears and hate and madness in the world...

when will they every learn?...

anyway, narf :)

let my defenses down

yes, i let my defenses down and got sloppy and brought this on myself... the most foolish thing i have done in many years and it could not come at a worse point in this life... i just got tired again... i burned myself out again... trying to please, trying to do too much... if i can find a way to survive financially, i just want a job that is not going to ask me to play the corporate games anymore... less responsibility... less politics... i haven't had a job with any job security since 1990 and i left that job to move to florida... one of the worst financial moves i've ever made (and i've made some amazingly generous moves that were not good for my wallet along the way, but you know that if you've read me)... i had a great opportunity with a decent company and blew it by letting myself burn out, so now i am stressing... i have not been able to save much in the past decade, especially the last seven years, because i supported others and treated others and spent a lot... $200 on tickets for four friends to a show... $100 for dinner last week for jackson and me... i am always treating because i enjoy buying things for others... something from my childhood, giving gifts is love, giving gifts gives me a stronger sense of self-worth, but also the feeling i get when i give is wonderful...

and yet, the results have not been so great... people don't give back much... i don't give to receive, but i am left with less than i need now... i must cut expenses dramatically this month... and find income...

i am spiraling again...

nuff...

so as i said (softball)

yes, softball gets more time than anything else in the real life in the physical world these days (except maybe sleep, hopefully, though this week the sleep is coming in brief spurts at approximately three hours per twenty-four which is certainly a sign that the psyche and subconscious and unconscious are not very happy or settled at the moment, but that's beside the point which is to focus on the real moment to moment and let the deeper stuff digest and process and heal and all that stuff deeper stuff does), so here are the current standings as of tonight...

League---- Record .. Place/Rank ... RF .. RA
Monday------ 6-1 ... . ... 1st ... . ... 100 . 48
Wednesday- 7-1 ... . ... 1st ... . ... 127 . 59
Friday-------- 6-2 ... . ... 2nd ... . ... .98 . 61
Sunday------ 7-2 ... . ... 2nd ... . ... .97 . 49

yeah, so lately the losses have come (was undefeated in two of the leagues and had just three loses until about two weeks ago), but three wins this week so far is hopefull for a good finish to the season... Monday and Wednesday have playoffs and we locked up first place going into those... Friday amd Sunday do not have a playoff (unless there is a tie) so we are tied for second Friday (with a team we beat twice who should have a third loss after tonight) and we are second Sunday with five games left (the first place team has four games left and is 8-2 and we beat them twice, so win out and we take first... easier said than done)... all in all an excellent season that will get us at least two league champion t-shirts and a chance at three trophies...

not much else in life i feel like rambling on about at the moment (job hunting, resume refining, cover letter writing, tv, sadness, sighing a lot, loneliness, nothing much to inspire, aye?)... maybe i'll let facebook distract me more, but then, with a semi-chuckle of what might be wisdom, i kind of hope not...

so, narf...

friends, and anyone else who cares

maybe you understand and maybe you care and maybe my recent habit of not keeping a job is my cry for help (singing a beatle's song once again) and on one level i know i create my own experience in this life and my interest in satifying the world on any level is waning as my hope for finding the primary reason i stay alive (finding my partner, the one puts me first as i put her first) has less and less time to exist so why bother and all that logical apathy... remember when i used to want a wealthy mommy or daddy to adopt me like i've adopted people all through this life?... yeah, i'm still quite open to it if you know anyone interested...

what did we expect from the first weekend jobless and alone?... 66 entries?...

narf...

back to winning ways

while life really sucked for a few days over the weekend (as if premonition, or precognition, saturday and sunday were two of the most depressed energy days i've had in quite a while and we lost a softball game we should have won, then monday my first ticket in years with a second just cuz the cop was arrogant and would not accept my car was registered proven by the tag on the plate and the computer he looked me up in, then a win monday night and the hope the downbeat was turning around, then no job as of tuesday, pow, traumatic life changing event number {if i was counting, probably a dozen, at least}, and dragging the rest of the week as the process of resolving trauma takes it's own bittersweet time), but at least we pulled out wins monday, wednesday, and friday and while we head into the softball weekend with a 7-2 record thanks to last sunday's give-away, we still control our own destiny and will finish first if we keep winning... since softball is now the most consistent activity i will experience in this life until i find another job or the one shows up, i'll use the positive distraction it can be as i reach for reality for this blog...

something tells me we are in for a whole lot of random distractions for a while...

narf...

someone distract me

so distracted already by the recent events (sliding into the deep apathy mode, attracting very dark energy, the next day a lying cop gave me two tickets, the first two in three or four years, and the next day, no more job... pow, life just became so much more challenging because salaries like that one are seriously rare around here and giving so much money away all through this life leaves me looking at living on social security when i can no longer work and i am getting so tired of trying to balance work life and pleasure and i really don't think i deserve to struggle when senior years get here because i've been so generous all through life and did i mention i could really appreciate distraction about now?) that i had to pull myself out of the game in the second inning and did ok at second and i didn't pitch the second game and was pretty sloppy at second not misjudging two balls because i was too tired and distracted by blues to bend properly and life is seriously sad at the moment and the inner well of hope for fairness and kindness is so dry i am probably going to project so little positive expectation that i may spiral deeper and deeper into dark energy that will bring even more negative events and just letting go of the rat race and trusting anyone and moving into a tent in the woods while i can still afford to stock up on bug spray sounds so good to me right now if jackson was not sharing daily life and needed me to share expenses i might just head into woods (or ask a friend if i can put a tent in their backyard and use their shower) and retire rent-free...

there must be some way out of here...

narf!...

people disappoint again

just when i start believing in an organization again, the same old lies come around and kick me in the back of the head... we are not like other companies i was told when i was hired... we would never do that i was told when i explained the sudden termination for financial reasons at a previous job of twelve years... we are a family i was told... terminated is such a painfully cruel word... not a good fit was the explanation... sure, an honest person who genuinely cares about people and kindness and loyalty and bonding to create family in a long-term residential health care environment is not a good fit in an organization that lies about and does not live up to it's own ideals and values...

i am far from perfect, but ultimately i was set up by a supervisor who would not let me do what i wanted to do to accomplish what they asked me to accomplish so i did it her way and there was a lot less success because her way was the oppositve of my way and they don't want to accept the fact that they did not let me try my way so it's my fault for not accomplishing what they wanted me to accomplish... tie your hands together and then rearrange the items shelves in your refrigerator so they are in alphabetical order, why dontcha?... in organizational terms, they made decisions based on metrics that did not measure the big picture actual cultural changes we were aiming for, but rather measured the month to month changes and anytime there was a dip, they told me to change what i was doing which undermined what i was doing and slowed the gradual upward turn the culture was actually taking... they ignored metrics like client illnesses, hospitalizations, incidents, employee accidents, complaints, all of which were way down in the past year (3 deaths in the first three months i was there and more in the years before, none since my fourth month and clients who are just as ill as those who died are flourishing because nursing care was vastly improved by my insistance on training and systems for competency checks and improved communication and hiring a DON who agreed with doing that and who does it well)... and client health and happiness (you can measure number of smiles and smiling reactions each day and i get more than most) way up, but there's no improvement according to the short-sighted metrics they use...

perhaps i could have educated the top management better, but i did not... i wonder if they saw the connection between the staff survey rating they got (very low) and the inconsistent micro-managing they were doing... supervisors and managers (which would include me as i was managing the place without a management team for many months after i cleaned house and took the time needed to find the right people to build our new management team... alas, the one person who presented the biggest problems was the person upper management recommended most highly, but they don't seem to see the pattern) got higher scores... ultimately, they never trusted my judgement or decisions and blame the too slow to measure in monthly metrics cultural change progress on me, rather that accept that changing a culture that has been one way for decades is not going to happen in a year or two, but rather, will take a five or even ten year plan...

and in the past couple of weeks the shift exchanges, which were one of the primary improvements in communication of daily client care needs i implemented last year, were done away with... i allowed the experiment because two of the managers were very insistant on trying it and one who opposed it agreed to give it a try... supervisors complained and i asked them for patience, staff didn't care much at first, and i estimate that in another week or two the managers insisting on the new system that had an inherent potential for breakdown in vital information would see why it was not a good idea and learn from it... simply not allowing them to do it (which is what my supervisor suggested) would not teach them anything and potentially give them a sense that i was micromanaging them and that is the antithesis of the cultural change i was asked to make... but this is just one example of upper management opposing my methods of changing a long-term residential facility culture that slowed the changes that are definitely happening...

they might not even realize what they did... but as if just to make sure i would not succeed, my new supervisor for the last four months was almost never around (because she was based 90 miles away and even though she was supposed to come by once a week and talk daily, there were no daily talks and she was not always reachable and she came by about once a month to interview my managers so nothing got done on those days and in the past month... one of my managers stopped communicating changes she was making and if she was told to simply disregard me i would not be surprised, but we'll accept that could be a paranoid tought and leave it in this parentheses) and when we did talk she said i am doing well and asked if i minded if she skipped coming out this week again and again... then last week she shows up with criticism and passive aggressive questions and tried to turn my answers into something i didn't say and this week she shows up with the director of human resources to terminate... no corrective action or discussion of any performance issues at all in the past nine months and suddenly i am presented with there've been no improvements and i'm gone, no discussion, no notice, no smoothe transition where i can communicate pending tasks and potential risks to prevent unsafe situations for clients or delays in time sensitive care needs, just out the door and don't come back...

and that is not the way we do things here was the assurance the person who hired me gave me and we agreed it was not good (or safe) for clients or staff or operations, but now we disregard the clients and staff and operations and assurance and just do it... the lack of trust or ethics or consideration for the mission and values (not to mention clients and staff) and simple kindness (in a company and profession that is supposed to place caring for people at their highest goal and ideal) is astoundingly disappointing...

so maybe i am wrong and they (they being just one or two people at the corporate office who really don't spend any time at the facilities, but seem to believe they know what actually happens at the facility better than those who work there) are right... might makes right, ultimately, so i am gone and they will do what they want to do, which as i see it, is the same mistake they've been making for decades... a true restructure for a real cultural change takes five to ten years... but what disappoints me most is the way they dismissed me... let the clients wonder why the person who inspired their smiles and laughter with hugs and singing is suddenly gone... let the staff who were depending on me to change the culture (and who thanked me regularly) wonder why i left without explanation or goodbye... let the projects and purchases i was working that clients needed be delayed or on fall by the wayside... let the contractors and vendors and surveyors who trusted me to maintain communication and good professional relationships wonder why there was no transition, introductions, or courtesy in handing responsibilities and relationships off to whomever is going to develop those relationships with them now...

how do people justify such hypocrisy and ultimately, cruelty?... it keeps me awake at night, but then i don't delude myself well... sigh, someone distract me...

sad narf...

i may be back to re-read this and edit it for clarity as i am so sad and frustrated right now... but i must let go even though i am concerned about people i adopted as family.. caring too much about people just does not seem to work in the modern health care world... so i look at myself and pick up the pieces of my heart once again and walk on... at least i have good personal and professional references (including AHCA surveyors and DCF investigators) and i will move on hoping to find an organization and people who actually see the big picture, don't make knee-jerk decisions based on minimal facts and even lies, and live up to the high ideals and values they post on their walls... yeah, so maybe i am wrong and they are right...

hopefully history will not repeat itself and nobody gets hurt doing it their way...

sigh and even sadder narf...

and moving on...