bubbly

so we've got personality, walk with what?... yeah, i know, bubbles in the brain... not the stroke producing kind, thank goodness, but the energy bubbles that pop with memories and creative play and goofiness and serious nonsense like bursting into song rather abstractly or randomly, depending on your (or my) point of view... don't go telling me about a fica score or any such attempt to instill even the slightest bit of responsible thinking into the head at this time... he brain is checking out of the responsible world and floating where it will go not merely to fill in the gaps of time and space here in this blog (and in other vital organs) that occur during excessively busy responsible times in life, but simply to pass a wonderfully restful night of frivolous nothing... playing these mind games, forever, if you know what i mean...

meanwhile, some time earlier i read a few interesting perspectives that have me linking the source here... also, i listened to some music i found randomly wandering somewhere, ah, i remember, i stumbled over to my tumblr blog, stumblr and wil weaton recommended it... yeah what?... and something about writers... music too...

facebook, aye?...

attention happens

so here we are more than sixty one hundred (6,106, i believe) entries into this blog and it finally gets interesting... or controversial... popular?... popularity, like celebrity, is as random and challenging to define as it is fickle, but certainly when some truth comes out or some revelation asserts itself (especially when it comes to sex and/or god, attention happens (whether it's momentary fascination, idolization, adoration, or the shit hitting the fan) and recently (and likely momentarily) attention is happening here in this little old blog as more than three thousand (3,000) page views have been recorded in just the last few days... it's a wonderful feeling, getting stroked like this.. an egoasm, or ego orgasm, if you know what i mean... i understand some of you have not ever been able to egoasm and i can only wish you find a way to let go enough to experience your own someday... i do it for myself regularly, but then, my ego is easy...

anyway, it is a wonderful wonder-filled thing to behold when attention happens in this life, even on the relatively anonymous and far away internet level, and i thank you from the bottom of my ego and heart for allowing me to bask in it for a while...

narf :)

god's not here

maybe you were looking for dave... yeah, so anyway, speaking of predictive analysis or prophesy or or whatever, or not, i (or someone) suddenly had this revelation (or was it an epiphony?) to create a blog called not god and the reasons behind it were exploding through the head that somehow tries to contain the consciousness i loosely and somewhat randomly call me when i discovered, much to my chagrin but after a moment, not to my surprise, that not god was already taken by, as usual, someone who had some sort of reason for creating the blog with that address and then, disappeared (or was suddenly made incompetent and useless as far as the blogging world goes) so the blog sits dormant as so many do (yes, as so many do, alas)... yeah, so we can wonder what if god blogged and pretend to be god and blog for him or her or it, but we won't be able to use any of those blog addresses here at google blogger because google blogger allows dormant blogs to last forever, or at least for the time being, time being relative and all... personally, i think people who create blogs should be pinged somehow, like maybe with a gibbsian sort of slap to the back of the head, at least once a month to wake them up with a use it or lose it reminder so they would at least post a message saying they still exist but are simply not inspired to use the cool address they locked up for themselves and taking this fairness of blog address usage a step further, any blog that has not been used for more than a year, or a few years, at least, should be opened for public posting so the address concept is not wasted on a less creative or otherwise too-busy-to-follow-through mind... yeah, that's my story and i am sticking to it...

of course if you come up with the right title and blog concept, you might never have to post an entry and still not fall under the wasted blog rules i proposed above...

what do you think?...

narf :)

predictive analysis

and it was doing so well, this entry, i mean... you really should go there now by clicking on this link or this one cuz this entry deserves more attention and time and thought and pondering (am i pandering?) for the depths and potential it could copulate, or create, for that matter... beyond the music, there is magic... even more than this one, in fact... ukrainian fantasies aside... dot dot dot dot dot dot dot what?... right...

study hard kids, you'll get it down eventually...

narf :)

hello ukraine!

i suppose i could have said good morning, in a robinesque style, but this entry was started last night so it is only now that the thought comes to be interjected into this as it is... anyway, exploding numbers arrive from far away... page views, that is... more than 2500 page views in the past few days from the ukraine... must have a ukrainian girlfiend now too... another secret admirer just can't get enough of me... it's a wonderful thing, you know... such popularity... such devotion... such randomness... what?... massive amounts (copius, even) of visits from the ukraine aside, random thoughts (like is tumbler forgotten or what?) fill the cranial capacitors at the moment so perhaps that energy influxing from whatever or whomever is kicking up the stats for this blog is infiltrating the hypothalmus and inciting a riot of sorts in the creative juice machine between the ears of the head in which the consciousness i loosely call me resides, at least for the moment... i mean, what it we looked up the word atheist in this blog, or random, truth, or sex (pickle?), for that matter... would it teach us anything about the price of rice in china (or the price of china in bangladesh, for that matter... can you buy china in bangladesh?... do they still need a benefit concert?... how far behind the times are we, not watching the news and all, anyway?... do we really want to know?... don't be sad, be happy, no worries, ya know?)... stat stats?...

words, like everything else, are relative... like the difference between strange and stranger (not withstanding strangest), for instance... diverging paths along semantic lines are one of the favorite amusements we will find here in these rambles, as if you didn't know (why do you think you keep coming back?... oh, wait, it's because you love me, right?... thanks, i love you too, but wouldn't ya rather be irreverent (irreverence?... seriously?... i mean, serious irreverence or irreverent seriousness?... semantics matter, after all... serious) sometimes?... if only to keep the lonelies at bay... this could continue indefinitely but we have an appointment with destiny that we have been putting off for a lifetime, so take care and thanks for all the fish, or something like that... i mean, mila and milla are otherwise occupied at the moment, so stay calm and carry on and above all else, don't panic... it's only life, after all... or numbers, maybe i mean numbers... or music, for that matter... what matters is we are here now...

your attention span, long or short, is appreciated...

narf :)

work jerk

so the phone woke me this morning around 8 and another saturday of sleeping in is missed... i don't remember the last time i slept in as there was always been something waking me every single day for many weeks earlier than eight, usually between six and seven, sometimes earlier... and lately i have not gotten to sleep before midnight much, so the body (and mind) is nearing max fatigue levels (and there is a name for a character along the lines of max headroom for some future creative endeavor... yes, max fatigue forges on through his day, much like ford prefect, only tireder or more tired, depending on your semantic preference or level of education which is relative to your level of education, of course, as it is only the truly educated who understand level of education is meaningless when it comes to understanding the universe and anything that truly matters in life, other than some science stuff useful in staying alive for anyone interested in that... remind me to pick this story up at some later date when a brilliant mind arrives to share some collaborative juices and perhaps some other stimulations, and i don't mean simulations, max is not that fatigued just yet so don't confuse him with marvin, m'ok?)...

so anyway, a phone call and a few emails later, he is awake and may nap later as there is nothing on the schedule for today, which is a blessed rarity for the work jerk during times of max fatigue so perhaps some extra sleep will happen, though almost as important is to make some attempt to alleviate the clutter in the living space, get some laundry done, reorganize the clothes that are piled in clean and dirty bins and stuffed way too randomly on shelves so finding just what i want to wear on any give day is more challenging than it needs to be... i should probably start using the closet again, but that means fixing the doorknob which has been broken for a year or more, at least... i could head into the office and clear the clutter there, but a voice of reason, sanity, and hopefulness comes from somewhere far back in my mind saying don't be such a work jerk for just one day, please?... and exercise, a little more exercise would be good for life and living longer too, ya know?... whatever happened to the doctor (sheesh, start listening to those little voices from somewhere far back in the mind and all sorts of stuff will be popping out)... sex?...

yes, i'll have some of that too please...

narf :)

lesmalian

yeah, so anyway i was sitting here pondering my navel all by my lonesome one night and i decided to come out of the closet... i am, at least for the moment, a lesbian in a male body... i've got this penis that i treat more like a dildo than a body part and it brings me great pleasure sometimes, but sometimes it's just a pain in my ass... it's not a pain in anyone else's ass because i am not into anal, which further asserts my not being a gay male, but rather a lesbian inside a male body... as i don't like needles even a little, i am not much interested in gender altering surgery so i ponder my navel all by my lonesome a lot as most lesbians are not into male bodies and most straight women are not into lesbians in male bodies unless they are butch and contemplating further along this identify revelation, i am not much interested in butch either as the whole macho power trip aspect of life and relationships is a big turn off for me... live and let live, equality, let it be, share honestly, openly, and freely.... and above all else, do no harm... that's the way i like it... so anyway, if you are interested in getting to know a lesbian in a male body, i am at your disposal... wait, i mean, i am here... we definitely require some time sharing thoughts, feelings, personalities, interests, and possibly some blood tests before i am at your disposal... i mean, it's not all about sex, after all...

narf :)

random music night

but taylor just the flip side of the same record by avril in many ways (and in so many ways i prefer the latter, especially musically and emo-facially, even though i could do without the whining)... i've always been a sucker for simple love songs, but between the two i'll still take kelly clarkson in many ways... and then there is this random girl (or her)... it is one way to pass a night... (words and beyond too, ya know?)...

you might have been looking for me since you were born
you'll never know unless you take off the mask you've always worn
i may be the one you've been falling in love with every night
we've lived in our dreams and now we can turn on the light

if you believe in me completely
and i believe in you completely
and we trust unconditionally
we can love indefinitely
is it time for you and me
to start our eternity?
all we need to do is believe
in our eternity
or something like that :)

life on the surface

she seems such a representative product of the popular limits of the american way, emo style, which used to have an appeal for me as a kid (without the repetitive country twang though, unless it was something like freebird)... listening to taylor swift for the first time tonight reminds me of life on the surface, the simple repetitive rhythm of the heartbeat whining out the same old story, with or without a fight or glory, just the poisonous lie that being alone is somehow wrong and any sell-out is worth not being alone and success is falling in love with a lot of money, but still, like so many songs before there are times when the delusional fairy tale is a good distraction from reality... as long as we forget that the boy was lucky he made it through that awkward stage when the world gets crazy about boys and girls touching each other (she was lucky too, though she'd have likely moved on to a normal life) and he wasn't arrested for statutory rape as so many others have been in real life as they waste away in prison or in destroyed lives as registered sex offenders, but that's besides the point...

while there is a bit of pathetic pathos to her awkward gaze (probably religion or country music or some other repetitive confusion, lol oh open your mind and get a sense of humor - or some awareness and depth, will ya?), there is a throwback quality to a country leslie gore that can appeal to the heartbreak kid like tracks of my tears, but then, living life on the surface, so few humans seem to realize how alone we are in this life experience... being alone may be the only experience we truly share...

narf :)

left out of the chicken race

there is a chance for more, but the body is exhausted and the brain is too even as the chocolate and carbs buzz about which may be a bit like a fish out of water feels as it flounders and flutters and bounces on the shore and the crash could come at any moment, but for the moment, bbzzzzzzzztztztztztztz... bouncy bouncy bouncy... and speaking of bouncy, emily wickersham may be the luckiest girl on tv (though for some reason i thought of emma watson just then), even if mold and mildew will eventually consume everything, but i am closer and closer to simply not watching espn or any sports tv show anymore, but the capacity to see through the forced human drama (not to mention the self-destructive brutality) required to enjoy the game might return at any moment for brief game-long moments for life and attention span is momentary, relative to everything, after all...

i really never wanted to be in the chicken race, anyway, but sometimes i get a little lonely and forget...

narf :)

hidden in obscurity

could be brilliance, could be profound, that is what happens when you care, or not, everything becomes so much more important, or not, and so much clearer as caring brings clarity, or is that just delusion like belief, or something like that... something about being naked, or on stage, or both... and sometimes truth is found in the background noise... did you ask the what?... not just the constant ear-ring, but the story of a life, a heart, a longing, a dream... pity the fool, no doubt... it may be that it is easier to laugh than to cry, given the choice... and there is always a choice, aye?...

don't let the silence fool you, if you can hear it...

narf :)

in the background

what the what?... you could have been happy if you just compromised, settled for the human way, frailty, weakness, ignorance, blind faith, stupidity, wait, it gets worse but what's the difference if you never know?... don't beat yourself up too much, you chose to know, awareness, life... you chose to remain conscious in a world of shared delusion, you chose truth over lies... truth is a lonely place in a world full of lies... real, no doubt, no matter how much relative confirmation the lies receive... never give up, never surrender... the promise is more powerful than the words... if you remember, that is, because if you don't, it doesn't matter so much, if at all... everything becomes imaginary in the end, that is when it gets real and if you can still see the big pitcure, you wonder, when did it all become background noise?...

there are so many connections not linked dependent on random wandering or memory, it's a wonder if anyone ever knows anything...

narf :)

because i always want more

just below the surface of all the babbling brevity (and babble itself) is the essence of the existence known as me in this life, simply, i want more... insatiable is a core aspect of me... and since what i want most in this life (besides peace, love, and happiness) is caring (the feeling of caring is the best for me) and sharing (cuz caring is a verb so sharing caring makes it realer and more better too) then it just shows to go ya that i want more sharing, more caring, more peace love and happiness and never give up, never surrender to anything that can stand in the way (fear, doubt, fatigue, even) so i continue babbling when no one is around cuz this is caring and sharing when no one is around cuz the hope that someone will read all these words is real and the babbling itself keeps the brain alive in spite of constant interruptions by background tv game shows or sports soap operas (listening to professional sports announcers and the over-inflated {in-the-moment reference, get it?} drama kills brain cells these days) or arnold's ass edited out of t2 for tv or any superficial distraction or life event or some such rambling madness still does not change the dominant desire to share more and not afraid of death, sweet november is not everything so share that last breath so we can actually remember everything and where are you now?...

torn?...

lunch of a sort

two organic veggie burgers, 150 calories each, with added fat for frying, 100 calories... then a half pound of pistachio nuts, whatever calories... then chocolate milk shake made with stevia and cocoa powder... absolutely impulsive yummies in spite of the sugar hangover from this morning... and still no exercise and no softball this weekend, a fool's game, so far... the body is still floating around 200 pounds, at least 20 pounds more than i'd like it, so the stalling has now gone on for twenty odd (or even) days which balances the 25 pound loss in the first 20 odd (or even) days so maybe that's the way it should be (like sweet november knows), balance, or something like that...

still, the time moves too quickly by and unshared, it is even faster gone, and today may have been one of the most boring flood of entries in history, so thank you for not being here...

narf...

the air is chilled again

back in the 50s again for the day which is winter around here and while it is refreshing for a while, sitting in 50 degree temperatures does bring on the need for long pants and even long sleeve shirts as the body does want to be at 98 degrees and fifty degrees (or 10 celsius) is fifty degrees (or at least fifteen degrees) lower than the body needs to be so sleeping or sitting in boxers and a t-shirt does leave the body chilled so good morning, ch-ch-ch-chilled and get the body moving, right?... meanwhile, the eyes are blurry and ear is sirening and body is grumpy from a sugar hangover so sitting is preferable except that the toes are really cold so maybe the motivation for a hit steamy shower will show up before the day is gone (hot food sounds good, but the sugar hangover comes with slight bloat and extra calories is the last thing the body needs for multiple reasons) and this is already the fourth entry for this morning that was relatively unnecessary and might even be considered a waste of time for anyone who doesn't love me so much that they want to know every meandering thought that ever passes through the head...

like happiness here who stares me down for attention at the moment...

narf :)

sleeping in

such a rarity for both of us and yet again, jackson did not as today is a work day for her as she gave up her monday through friday work week for this new job that pays more and consumes sundays which is not good for jackson as she likes sunday activities including church and softball and socializing but the job is better than any other she's had in her life for her (hopefully it says that way) and it pays more than any job she's ever had (even if that is not changing enough and enabling even more bad habits) and so, she did not get to sleep in this morning and i did, even though 10am was as far as i got which is only sort of sleeping in when looking at the big picture which i don't make time to look at much these days or for a while, even... it's even worse for jackson as she works another job fridays and saturdays so she has not had a day off except for one in several months and that makes some of the most important changes she needs to make even more challenging as she does not have time to focus on them which she spends all of her time running from work to work and squeezing in more other activities than she has time for (and spending more, rather than less, in the process)...

those of you who have followed along paying attention to the details of the life scattered throughout the babbling brevity that is this (e)thereal blog might understand the joy and frustration simultaneously seeping through the rambles this morning as the sugar hangover continues spinning the mind where it will go, oh (ding ding ding ding ding) and it really does not matter if i'm wrong or right after all, just that i record and release and process and digest and accept the imperfections and find peace in the real as i do in this way...

so what are you up to (or down for) today? :)

good morning 2x, yeah

nothing to say, but it's ok... the song is forgotten, anyway... unless you remember and dare to say hello i remember another day... just another day...

the hair is reaching out of control the neck is cramping as is the right rib cage as the body contorts to relieve it's pains and the dog is sniffing the hallway gate that jackson uses to keep him in her bedroom while i sleep or while no one is home to limit the floor space upon which his accidents can happen and yet it has not worked for the carpet in the living room is even more stained than the carpet in her room and we will need to replace both once we move out of this place which is not the primary reason we stay but is one of the reasons we stay in spite of the flooding and lack of upgrades and other issues... the large kitchen is the primary reason as there is no other apartment community we've found in this price range after looking at hundreds over the years (almost as many as this blog has existed, actually, and almost twice as long for each of us individually) so anyway, we make the best of the current housing and economic conditions within and beyond our control (or at least i do, jackson still needs to develop skills someday, but that's yet another tangent we are skating across this morning, what morning, which morning, good morning, good morning, yeah)...

wish you were here too, yeah...

narf :)

approaching eighty thousand

as in 80,000 page views for this little old innocuous trivial blog of babbling brevity and repetitive redundancy possibly over-laden with an abundance of adjectives unnecessary for the mission, whatever that may be (and if you remember without checking out a dozen or more of the hundreds of links on the right side bar and beyond, well, bless you my child for you have simmed and possibly even cared and if you'd nyuked, well, we are amazing, no doubt... it is a wonderful day hung over from the massive sugar consumption yesterday that has not happened to this extent in multiple weeks, or at least since december 7th, infamy or not... exercise would be most challenging and still likely wise for the head however the heart is all a flutter with the sudden sugar and fat levels and other (dark chocolate drugs, for instance) chemical drugs in the blood stream these past eighteen hours or so and sleep was vibrantly less restful than it might have been if the body was pounding and the head was not spinning round and round and still, we approach a numerical market that on one level is like wow, that's a big number and on another level is like, wow, so few for so long as the blog itself is reaching for the start of the eighth year in a few months...

seven years of this supposed brevity, like wow, what?...

narf :)

10 degrees celcius

it's a warm spell for those of you from the great white north, but waking here with the patio door wide open in boxer shorts and a t-shirt, qo degrees celsius, or 50 degrees fahrenheit is quite chilled... it may be in the 40's, actually... so warming up the body is the first priority after taking happiness for a walk... he's desperately seeking outdoors at the moment... so it is time to bundle up and head out ...

and back from the frigid florida winter (lol)... poor puppy could not control himself and pooped while running out the door so the trail of poo on the sidewalk needed to be cleaned up... i found a note on the fridge from jackson letting me know she fed him his second meal at lunch time, which pretty much set him up for an accident, but he apparently held it until he got out the door... he's pacing now though as if he still has stomach issues so after i warm up i'll take him out again... so much for feeling comfortable about going out tonight... he's such a great excuse to stay home when i am tired (and sleepy, yes i am... life leaves so little time for restful vegetating)...

meanwhile, these dark chocolate covered almonds with turbinado sugar and sea salt are seriously way too addictive...

narf :)

and now the buzz is here

it started with macadamian nuts, just a few, because they are so high in fat and i am trimming down the body weight, after all... what followed was a few dark chocolate covered almonds with turbinado sugar and sea salt... omg, kirkland had me at hello, or first bite... pistachio nuts followed because they are my first love in the nit world, but then, as if they completely dissolved all will power, the dark chocolate covered almonds with turbinado sugar and sea salt took over all rational thought and i found a dozen or perhaps even dozens filling my mouth with the most exquisite sweet salty chocolate flavor ever tasted today, perhaps even tomorrow too... living in the moment does that to senses, ya know?...

the buzz turned into sleep ever so suddenly...

narfzzzzzz...

lost words

somewhere in my sleep while sitting eyes closed fingers tapping gently mindlessly erasing letters and the words are lost forever gone forever lost forever, evermore...

in the morning wuzzup wuzzup wondering what might have been the night before lingers with feeling brilliance wonder filled with magic revealing more then was before forever more forever more...

sadly silent in the morning wondering what might have been the night before, forever more, forevermore...

there've been a lot of gaps

in time and space, speaking metaphorically and also in a literary sense, maybe even literally, but figuratively speaking (or writing), when gazing longingly (or just glancing} at the time line of entries, there have been a lot of gaps of late, but then, that is relative to the overall flow as there are many gaps in a day during a week or longer of hourly entries and and hardly any gaps during a period (or blog) where entries come once every few months, or years, even, i mean, that's kind of what relativity means in this sense... anyway, for the moment, unless and until i find time and energy and motivation to ramble on for a while and produce many entries to fill in the current gaps, relative as they may be, there are gaps... a lot of gaps, to be exact in a relative way... perhaps amusing... if you get the joke... if you were there... if the moon aligns with the seventh house, or something like that...

kudos if you catch the references (even more if you know the actual lines that i mish moshed), but that's beside the point whatever it might have been, or is, even... the time recently has been packed with work and some softball, but mostly work, and some spurts of writing, but still, mostly work... and now you know where i've been in case you didn't already know where i've been as stated, eluded to, and somehow mentioned many times in many ways in many entries of late and there might have been less imagination than usual (or perhaps more warped off the beaten path thought process meandering), but i will leave that for you to decide, or judge, even... somehow there will be large lecture halls willed with analytic brains dissecting my babbling and contemplating the genius of my nonsense (or vice versa) and you will be able to say you were here as it was happening, like groovy, no doubt...

in any case, wish you were here (if you adore me, that is)...

narf :)

picadillo, pickle dildo

and work tomorrow is calling already as the week stretches into it's sixtieth hour, at least, but who's counting... stop in the name of love, or something like that... will anybody know me at the end of the road, will anybody be there who understands or will the end be lonelier than the journey there, will i feel as alone as i am... there is no romance in this dance and there used to be so much it was too much to contain and it scared them all away so much love that it scared them all away... cuz nobody really wants complete honest and openness and truth too much freedom scares everyone and that is where i live with way way too much to give and so alone and i wonder will i always be so alone wondering for eternity...

left to our own devices we will all destroy ourselves...

and all i want is love, all we need is love...

love love love...

narf :)

huhwhatsup?

yeah, i know, we know the story man gotta get a hunk of love and glory hunka hunka like to old song said like the man loves a woman like he was not dead like the lover that will never ever leave your head haunting you like the world's most motile med in your cup s'up huhwhat huhwhat huhwhatsup, s'up huhwhat huhwhat huhwhatsup...

another week is passing by before the eye can blink or maybe it's just time can fly and there's no time to think so what is happening here now and then and since the last time out beyond the workaholic maddening deeds that must be done as if the maxing out of energy is the way we have fun...

tired, so very tired... hungry, so very hungry... lonely, but not so very... busy, so very very very busy busy busy busy busy . . .

narf :)

slipped in between

this entry, like me, does not fit anywhere as if we were slipped in between the lines, or life... betwixt, perhaps, definitely between, in case anybody was looking, ever... i generally have less issue with atheists than with religious folk, mostly because atheists are less apt to try to convert me or tell me i am wrong (or worse), but really, truly, even, i wish anti-religion folk would not use the amazing universe to support their anti-religious messages... just saying, as some say... it is a good message, in the end... don't give away the amazing power of your heart... don't lie about the wonders of the universe by claiming you know something you simultaneously say you can't know (simply, do you know your god's mind?)... in other wonderings, i wonder how generation y is making out in life... and whatever happened to generation x?... and was there ever a generation w?... generation war (world war 2 and korea and vietnam?)... there are other theories too... there apparently is a generation z, i mean, wikipedia doesn't lie, right?... will the next generation need to be generation double-a?... maybe because they will have implants that run on double-a batteries, but anyway, these are just some of the wonderings that happen when i don't go to work...

chocolate rules, love saves, truth heals, fear kills... choose your power...

narf :)

walking on through whatever

after a long weekend of softball followed by a long day at work, i could have closed my eyes and been asleep in moments (almost did), but instead of falling asleep, i was wired on coffee cuz i had another game and over pitched tonight while the team didn't hit at all so we lost big time... and then, getting home wired and frustrated but still kind of elated, i had another piece of chicken and i sat and watched an episode of ncis and then, after jackson went to bed, hunger continued to gnaw at me and i searched the kitchen and there was no quick and easy protein that was appealing so i had a can of ravioli and seasoned rich whole milk buttered ricotta cheese and a thousand calories later, there goes the neighborhood... or at least the 200 pound mark, but then, life continues and i shall continue the long steady climb down the fat ladder back to goal weight and optimal health... revelation is only as powerful as the actualization of it, the manifestation of revelation is it's true power... so as tired as this body has become, i am enjoying the life (so unlike years ago when i felt so used, abused, and unappreciated for the efforts at work... ironic that now that feelings lingers at home, but that's another tale on a different colored horse for some other time, blog, or revelation)... the point, is, there may be no point at all, ever, or something like that...

what does it matter who is buried in the grave when you can't read the tombstone, anyway, the fact of the matter is the truth is only available to the mind open to it, so i simply continued following what i feel is truth and trust the way i go and live the only life i know to know... whatever fool or genius i am still awake, so bring me your miracles, or a chocolate shake, your choice...

narf :)

i wanna foodie road trip

starting and ending here (though i must suspect any nyc foodie list that does not include ray's pizza or carnegie deli or a few other classics and shows an effort to be ethnically hip and economically diverse (and vice versa too) seems to lessen the credibility of the article so i would take the recommendations with a truckload {as opposed to a grain} of salt {but still and all, remember to put away the germophobia if you want to enjoy food anywhere... even if that has nothing to do with anything in this first sentence... what?}, but it did wake the foodie in me tonight {or whenever this might have been} in spite of recent changes in dietary habits (chocolate not withstanding), and renewed commitment to healthy living (including eating), not to mention all that not wanting anything nonsense spouted here or there or wherever, this entry immediately follows as much as a contradiction as defiance can be while still coming rather randomly, or so it seems, or something like that, la la la)...

yup, i've decided that one of my pleasure goals in this life is a foodie road trip... i'd have to do a bit of studying of the foodie shows on tv and foodie reviews in magazines (maybe i can get the brighthouse girl (hi camille) who is a serious foodie herself to come along, i mean, hello friend? lol)... yeah, well a orgasmic foodie sex trip, on the road or anywhere, would be a fine mess to get into too... feel free to send in your applications... include how many miles you are going to run every day along the way cuz that is a one of the top requirements (unless you are a libbo fantasy without exercise, which may be impossible on this trip)... maybe mila needs a break from domesticity... in any case, sex aside (or on the side, even), i will someday write the great foodie road trip entry (and perhaps the pre and post entry surrounding the whole series, a new blog, even... oh, how a boy can dream, no doubt lol lam laf laa), but for now, the idea is here, out here, germinating, gaining momentum, and attracting all the wonderful people who want to take this ride with me...

meanwhile, other preceding entries will follow...

narf :)

wow, a week blinked by

yup, and i seriously really should be sleeping at the moment as i pitched six softball games yesterday and have more to pitch tomorrow, but i woke sitting here in the recliner after falling asleep after consuming protein and carbs and the brain is as wired as the body is tired so a few words (wisdom not withstanding) before i lay down and try to stop my mind (from wondering if it's wasted time?... quite often, but tonight, just to stop it so it will sleep along with the body so the body can recover and play again tomorrow without pain or reduction in performance or injury, for that matter)...

sooo sleey/...

spectacular fanfare

that is what you bestow on me almost all the time and i thank you for it... ego basks in your superlative praises and the heart beams in your glorious adoration and the mind revels in your exquisite analysis as we reflect the brilliance of your amazement as you enter the realm of prostrate idolization (your unconditional worship is appreciated)... i know, we are amazing together...

startling truth amidst this relatively meaningless entry tucked innocuously among the semi-sloppy catch up while buzzing on chocolate milk made with special dark cocoa and various sweeteners (gourmet white chocolate syrup, stevia, splenda) and the amazing wonder of me, of course...

narf lol lam :)

where did you all go?

so as the year ended by the common calendar of the times, the page visits increased and i could, should i want to, imagine you and millions of others were lusting after my words here, there, and everywhere and more, even, cuz i am a viral (or is that virile) young may pumping full of the juices of power, glory, and humor, not to mention the essence of the secrets of the universe and everything irresistible to every living being in every multi-verse ever imagined, no less existed... hold me now and you might feel the precious you have always sought... or perhaps it is a psychological science fiction wonder we have always been waiting for... a dozen monkeys might be able to explain it if they understood what they knew and had language we could understand, but you don't have to believe me, believe yourself (if you dare ever find yourself, listen to yourself, and trust yourself)... but you didn't go away... and you are real... i can feel you out there... silent and longing... and wondering how i know...

meanwhile, back in so-called reality... where did you all go?...

narf :)

unfinished stuff (and other stuff)

waking in the middle of the night after falling asleep right after dinner with a mind racing through the real feelings and experiences that are suppressed (or repressed) throughout most moments of the waking day there is a tendency to roll over and fall back to sleep, but not every night can that easily be done when the deep rooted unresolved issues rise enough to plague the consciousness with dissatisfaction or worse, fear... is it all pointless, are we useless, is life meaningless, am i?... shudder to go beyond into the details like can i trust anyone or facing the reality of how alone each one is... so i listen to something like this instead... or even this... sad, no doubt... or not, for i could be rambling on about cool thing, for a moment, but then realize that it is just a charger stand, after all... or i could be reading john cusack discussing a burrito on twitter, after all... every now and then i do engage in random tweeting and it is not just libido fantasy either as this might demonstrate (i know some rather profound people out there, not to suggest any relation) odd thing, but wait, here's something really important and shocking, even though, as usual, the us is spared from the atrocities due to rank and privilege, or something like that...

natural health

what i've known all this time is finally reaching the scientific community and naturally, the prices have soared... so i find that hershey's extra dark cocoa is processed with alka seltzer or perhaps i mean alkaloids or akali processing or something like that, it's late, after all... need unfermented cocoa beans... and the new colorado strains that are ten times more potent than the stuff once used for recreational highs... that's right, cannibus dark chocolate high in flananols, low in fat and caffiene... brewed like a cocoa tea... lowers blood pressure and blood sugar and a whole lot of other health benefits... but big pharma and the medical industrial complex and government would not have natural remedies for longer healthier lives, no... in fact, shorter lives is better, prune the population and all... wait, the paranoid conspiracy theories about the fraction of the so called 1% oligarchy have not even begun yet...

ha, if they were only smart or enlightened or evolved enough... laughter, that's the best medicine... but the high flavanols chocolate marijuana would help a lot too...

narf :)

more carbs, killer style

ok, so i lost my mind tonight... or at least lots my focus and completely blew off the weight loss idea, cooking up canned pasta and meatballs with extra butter spread and ketchup and spices and now, the sugar load is spinning and the blood pressure is soaring (just a guess) and i am not caring... yeah, probably undid two weeks worth of seriously hard core will power and set the whole process back and especially badly timed the doctor appointment in two days and rapid weight loss is dangerous but rapid weight loss then gain then loss combined with high blood pressure is highly seriously dangerous and so blah blah blah and boo hoo hoo and oh well, if i die, i die...

still, in the same breath as cinnamon and chromium, what i've known all this time about chocolate is finally reaching the scientific community and naturally, the prices have soared... still, my drugs of choice are slowly being heralded and marketed (in some states more than others... if only colorado was not so cold)...

more to follow (we hope)...

facebook

yeah, i am there... i am under a pseudonym mostly because i like the name but it started way back when the web was young and putting real names on the web was considered a high risk... still may be, but everybody seems to be taking that risk... i left my made-up name out there cuz i'm known by many by the name and i like it on several levels... it's definitely cartoony, so that's gun for me... and it has the added double meaning of a web bot, or robot, which has a web meaning for web geeks and the tv wabbit has always been one of my role models, of a fashion, so all in all, the name stuck and i'm sticking to it too (that's my story lol)...

this entry (and my browsing) was interrupted by firefox so maybe more will be added another time, but for now, i was just starting to ponder and perhaps even announce formally or officially or something like that... i am on facebook... have been for a lot of years... seldom actually spend any time there these days, like a month or two will go by without even opening the page, though jackson posts on my wall or timeline or whatever the latest name for it will be when you read this if it is even still around (i was on myspace before facebook), but i spent some time there today as the previous entry suggests... i actually have fice pages i own or administrate or something like that, neglect is probably the most accurate term at the moment of this writing and for the past year and then some, but i am on facebook, yup, i am... so feel free to stop by and read or say hi...

firefox fail

the move to firefox is failing the facebook test which consists of scanning down the news feed and opening links as they interest me whcih leads to a couple or few dozen open tabs simultaneously and facebook is locking up on the viewing of those tabs and unlike chrome, firefox is not unlocking and i may have wasted a whole afternoon of browsing facebook which i haven't done in many months or longer and kills firefox for my purposes... so i had to shut firefox down and now it will not even open to let me see if it remembered the sites i was going to visit... gonna work on this a bit...

and an hour later i got back the pages i had open but the slowness and limited access turned me off to firefox... this entry would have been uploaded hours and hours ago (as it may be time stamped) but the whole day went by watching football waiting for firefox to move along... i was trying to read about the charlie hebdo tragedy and sadness and all the self-righteous madness in the world and a whole lot of random browsing via facebook link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link links (did the record just skip?)...

one of those kind of days...

sunday morning practice

at least they don't start it until 10:00 am (the 8:00 am practices were sleepy) and today, thanks to the extra carbs and cinnamon and chromium i was wired, happy wired, bouncing around trying to get more swings in batting practice and more fielding practice cuz mostly i just stand around on the pitcher's mound watching or pitching during practices... i got a little bit more extra practice and then we played a brief scrimmage that was rained out and i almost went to buffalo wild wings with the team which would have meant extra calories but i was saved by a friend who needed a ride home who asked earlier so i took her home and then came home and sat back to watch football and check out facebook after being away for a long while and then consider the possibilities of browsing the web for a change (it's been a while, after all)...

i did ok, but was too wired and had too little exercise to settle into a rhythm... so i probably should have exercised more when i got home, right?... but i didn't, i wandered the web (or tried) and watched football instead... and walking happiness a lot... enjoying the solitude, though happiness is extremely needy today...

narf :)

cold splash

i turned off the tv hours ago when a cold splash of reality hit me as in the middle of yet another conversation jackson started texting as if we were not having a conversation and that leaves me feeling very small when she does that as she has her priorities and makes them all to clear in those moments and i brush them off as her attention deficit but she gives her attention where she wants to give it so i just need to learn to stop expecting her to interact with me just because i live here with her and have taken care of her for a lot of years... it is all too obvious that i have fallen so much into the easy to disregard parent role and i just need to accept that except that she acts so hurt and gets so angry when she realizes what she is doing... so i was home alone all day today as the economic decision continues because the savings is still gone and she doesn't get it, or ignores it... why go out when i don't trust anyone and i am not sure i want to anymore... i'd rather be home alone as that is what i choose to do and i am free to do whatever i please...

i just need to stop wanting or expecting any sort of meaningful interaction...

oh, a sad narf...

a stain on sanford florida

george zimmerman, an obvious loose cannon who went off one night and killed a teenager after scaring the kid into a fight or flight situation was arrested once again for threatening a woman (far from the first time) and he and the decision to leave him on the street after killing the kid remains a stain on the morality of the community of sanford, florida... the message sanford sent was simple, don't be a black kid on the streets of sanford after dark, especially don't wear a hooded sweatshirt, even if the weather and any good mother would suggest you should... the fact that there was no public cry of injustice when zimmerman walked free demonstrates a clear lack of ethics and decency in the small southern town... so the bully who killed the kid in cold blood spends more time in jail for a violent act against a woman and sanford goes on living with proof of their shameful disregard for doing the right thing when they let a dangerous and irresponsible person, a killer, back on their streets...

jackson's second job is in sanford and i don't like the fact that she has to go up there in the evenings to a dark and desolate office park... it would be nice if a community with a church on almost every corner practiced what they preach, but they don't and the ignorance of that backwards thinking community is too close for comfort...

barf...

don't cook orzo in soup

yeah, well, so ok, i learned that dumping a spoon or few of orzo into soup doesn't work unless the soup is going to cook for an hour or so... orzo needs boiling water... so the soup might be better tomorrow, but today it has hard bits of orzo in it, alas... i will let it sit for twenty minutes or so and see what happens... i could change what i was planning on eating, except there is shrimp in the soup and the shrimp will not reheat well... some frustration has the will power weakening even more than it was last night... some imbalanced (and blatantly unfair) calls in the football game does help... calling hold selectively is the way referees can easily decide who is going to win a game, especially in a close game... so i waited and the soup was yummy... cream of mushroom base with fried onion rings and onion garlic salt seasoning and peas and clams and shrimp and a seriously yummy soup is was... so maybe the title is not so right, maybe it's ok to cook orzo in soup as long as the soup cooks slowly for thirty minutes and may need to sit or simmer another ten or fifteen minutes and what good soup cooks for less than that anyway?...

and ice milk (made with sweetened condensed milk) for dessert... and i must kick exercise into gear if i am going to not be super strict with calories so consider this a strong reminder or even a reprimand without going too far as to push the rebel's buttons and and life is good... back to work for a while longer, but still enjoying the simple pleasures of food...

how about you? :)

working weekend

it's been a long working weekend so far as i am keeping up with the four jobs i am doing doing but that's the life i've chosen for the moment and i doubt i am going to feel like heading over to curly's place later even though i got a few calls to come over... pausing a moment to catch up on the night and day and so on, i was up late last night doing this and that and uploading entries that were partially written over the week and then slept in cuz it's saturday and i can work from home as long as there are no emergencies... and the afternoon was relaxing at home with the laptop as if that wasn't already obvious based on the first part of this entry... so i must be getting tired as i am slapping repetitive redundancy into this text box and not even running on with sentences as i usually do when i am in a babbly mood (and i am in a babbly mood which is why i paused working to catch up on the night and day and this and that like this)... so what else is new?...

back to work for a few more hours (or however long i am still enjoying it) all that is missing is someone to share everything, but nobody's perfect...

narf :)

where are you now?

there's a part of a sort of a moody blues song playing through the title as i wonder where the one is at the moment as i stretch and smile as i wake to enjoy another day alone again, naturally...

where is
the one who knows how to share
the way i share
ooo ooo ooo

where is
the one who knows how to care
the way i care
ooo ooo ooo ooo

who feels all the pain humans create
and still has hope we will all rise above
the fears that hold us back and dictate
our weakness in place of the strength of love

there are those who are driven down by fear
and those who ride the wings of love
the difference is everything if you understand

there are those who live in a world of despair
and those who find ways to rise above
do you live in a private hell or wonderland?

there are those who choose delusion
and live in confusion
corrupted by insecurity
and those who refuse to believe their own eyes
who would rather believe in irrational lies
so it really comes as no surprise
there is so little honesty
in this world
so little honesty

where is
the one who believes like
i believe
ooo ooo ooo

where is
the one who feels everything
the way i feel
ooo ooo ooo ooo

this could be a song of lament
or a song of hope depending on you
is your glass half full or half empty
it is for you to choose
ooo ooo ooo ooo
are you living or are you repenting
do you even have a clue
ooo ooo ooo ooo
can you handle love unrelenting
in everything you do
ooo ooo ooo ooo
where is the one who loves me
like i love you
who dares to feel everything
and care for everything
and share everything
the way i do
yeah, so where are you?...

so what i did was

chocolate milk with canned sweetened condensed milk and a gourmet chocolate syrup my managers got me as part of a gourmet chocolate cappuchino, upscale travel mug, and flavors package... yum... carbs but yum... and the craving is gone, almost completely gone... was this all about the cinnamon?... should i check my blood sugar?... do i know too much about medical stuff?... am i overtired and now wired cuz of the sugar?... did i destroy a week of strict calorie reduction in one night?... is the geico salt 'n pepper commercial the most annoying thing on tv?... what day is it?... what daaaay is it?... am i bloated once again like i was for a long time before only on a lesser level cuz there is less room in my stomach?... are the answers to all of these questions yes?... why am i asking all of these questions?... who is supposed to answer them?... is this a weird entry or what?... what is what?... did you see the previous dozen entries suddenly all uploaded tonight?... how about the mating dating meeting site entries in other blogs?... other blogs?... what other blogs?... has the maniacal laughter started yet?... can you hear me now?... and just what was cloverfield, anyway?...

i think you should have come over and discussed it with me, whatever it was...

i won't bite...

narf :)

challenge dietary night

the sugar craving, which can be called sweet tooth, is nagging at me... i've already had the most calories in the past twelve hours than i've had in five weeks and still the craving remains... could it be the extra five cinnamon w/chromium capsules i had in the past 24 hours actually lowering my blood sugar and causing the craving?... interesting... i wonder if my c1a was lowered... anyway, shrimp with melted mozzarella with a small amount tomato sauce and a sife of low fat mayo, the first high fat meal in five weeks, did not help... a few fingers of chocolate syrup isn't helping much either... i am six pounds heavier than i was this morning and still, the craving continues... do i give in and consume a few hundred more calories?... we shall see...

another day, another fast

so i had two activia yogurts this morning, a mixed fruit and a cherry... and then the day cruised along and no more food and i got home and pondered, fast until the lab tomorrow afternoon or eat something and then fast until tomorrow afternoon... i chose to eat something... not emotional hunger and minimal physical hunger (and under 200 pounds, which is a twenty five pound drop in a month, just sayin' and all that casual cool stuff), but just don't want starvation mode to dig in any more than it has already... 98% fat free cream of mushroom soup with chicken and clams and water... it's cooling right now... smells good... and then, some cinnamon with chromium and (been doubling the vitamins lately, two multis and two b-c complexes every day... and then some other supplements and anyway, whatever comes of the lab work tomorrow, i will do my best to stay on course toward my goal weight, whatever that might be (under 180 for starters)... are you sitting comfortably?...

meanwhile, the budget meeting aside, it was another long good day... just getting home and loving every minute of it... would like some more personalized sharing, but too tired to go anywhere... jackson stopped at the gym again tonight which is something i really must start doing... we play softball tomorrow night, yay... starting to drift... gonna eat now...

narf :)

medical industry blues

so i remain frustrated i am not even hungry after a twenty-four hour fast and i am torn about trusting a doctor who is not in the major laboratory corporation's computer system when that was the laboratory the doctor sent me to saying it is the only lab they work with and i am remembering that the doctor's office was deserted and sparse as if he just moved in that day and the computer systems were not working which i overlooked because he impressed me with his bedside manner and yet, so frustrated i even left the vampire analogy behind for the moment...

oh, the drama

nothing happened of course... she said 'love you' and patted me on the head and i said 'love you' and we talked a bit about the doctor and lab and she walked happiness again and then left for work... and i sat here scribbling some words into partial entries and sought motivation to get up and shower and head to that meeting i don't particularly look forward to, meeting with the money people who are too detached from where the money is spent is seldom fun and only sometimes productive... and from the administrative side (assessing my performance), being without the three key purchasing managers (food, medical supplies, and everything else) cuz we haven't had a DON or office manager since july and we haven't had a dietary manager since september has meant the paperwork to corporate has been slow and sometimes late, incurring late fees and credit hits, but in my defense the corporate side is inconsistent and slow in processing payments so even when all of my paperwork is on time, payments are still late way too often because of the short-term contracts they negotiated (payment due upon receipt or within 5-15 days is ridiculous for a corporation that has several approval layers especially since some invoices don't get to me for a month after the accounting department receives them and they come in scanned emails with no subject or identifier and the documents are often challenging to read and i have no access to check on whether it is a duplicate invoice... delays and double work abound in the system beyond my control... but anyway, we'll meet this morning, though i have no idea what might be on the agenda...

tough to do three manager's jobs beside my own... but we are saving a fortune in salaries and hey, i love challenges, right?...

narf :)

so i sat here confused

i woke just before 6am on what might be the coldest morning of the year and drove out to find a vampire store, that is, a place that sucks blood, that is, a laboratory so i could give my blood and other bodily fluids for testing so the doctor can justify giving more pills (my faith in modern medicine as ebbing quite low this morning) and after driving around for fifteen minutes or so i google the vampires and find their location is hidden in a dark deserted coporate park with minimal lighting and no parking except in back of the building requiring one to walk down concrete stairs in the dark or only go after the sun is up which means waiting a whole lot longer... so i find the vampires and give them my paperwork and have a seat and read a bit of time magazine, the genius issue which was obviously left there for me in particular and i see ebola is still killing thousands and glen larson died (it was a month old issue) and tom selleck write a hollywood flavored obituary and i was called up to the counter before i got to anything genius worthy and the girl at the counter told me i was not in their system and they could not locate the doctor because the form the doctor's office faxed me had codes and id numbers on it that did not match the practice and the doctor himself did not exist in their system and so they couldn't accept my blood or other bodily fluids and they'd call my doctor and get back to me... give my limited time, which is why i woke so early to see the vampires, and the fact that i fasted almost twenty four hours for this, i was not a happy camper... i sat down rather cold because it was somewhere in the thirties in degrees farhenheit (i know, heat wave for some of you, but i was wearing flip flops without socks and a t-shirt and paper thin nylon sweats as i was searching for the vampires earlier... and the fasting) wrapped myself in my arms and brooded...

but that's not what i am confused about...

jackson went out to walk happiness as i was coming back home and when she came back in she was going to shower but turned and said she was going to give me a hug and as she started to she pulled back like i was on fire and said she wouldn't and i looked up puzzled indicating hurt feelings and she returned to give a one armed hug with a hard squeeze with her hand that hurt my iverly sensitive right shoulder as i pitched a whole lot of hours in the last five days and was a bit tender and i asked what i did wrong and she didn't seem to understand the hug-no-hug-half-hug with kind of angry shoulder squeeze confused me and we had a moment of anxious misunderstanding and she went into the shower and i sat here confused... still brooding a bit too, but more confused...

anyway, i'm not sure what will happen when she gets out of the shower, but i am frustrated with this world again and have a couple of hours to rebound and get to a budget meeting with the cfo, comptroller, and coo that i am not looking forward to...

perhaps i am grumping more than brooding... see, i am even confused about that...

narf lol lam sigh :)

kaspersky's being an ass again

yeah, i have it (the kaspersky pure security software) set to a few times a week and it's trying to scan every scan at once (while updating) every time the laptop comes out of sleep mode which shuts down anything i am doing... i need recommendations on a good anti-viral security software that does not stop me from using my computer for the basics cuz i mean i don't mind waiting for a scan, but to be prevented from typing in a notepad every time i turn on the laptop or every time the laptop comes out of sleep mode, that's too restrictive...

so what's next in the anti-virus software world?... really?...

helleluya

glancing up at a show about the plague in europe in the 1300s... all the violence to others and to self, purging and flaggellation, all in the name of god... and people still don't see how hateful religions lead them to be as individuals and in mobs even as they continue to fight holy wars and perform acts of terror on each other, all in the name of god... i switch around the tube but there is so much nothing on, i wander back to the history channel and find more atrocities, more cruelty, more blaming, more self-destruction, more irrational violence to self and others, all in the name of god... shallow ignorance dominates human history and the primary reaction is fear and blame and destruction... from the hatred for the different, often the jews, to the cutting of one's own skin (and the private self-destruction of cutting continues today)... and so by 2/14/1349 the ignorance becomes more lethal than the plague itself... forgotten history repeated again and again... 1939 the arian death plague of hate continues the irrational brutality and 2001, suicide bombers take down thousands more, all in the name of god...

halleluya, right?...

dare to be great

yes, you!... you there in the back row, and the person standing next to you, and everyone around you too but especially you, right now, dare to be great!... and don't take no for an answer!...

these are the instructions your life came with... are you following them?...

narf :)

rental communities

so they have extra lines on almost every page of the lease and they have a rule that that only one party signing the contract can write on those lines and of course it is not the renter... no power to the people in the landlord-tenant relationship, as usual, it's power to the money... so i am not permitted to request anything in the lease, like safe entry into and safe exit from the place... the concrete on the path to the front door is so uneven and cracked that when the 8-10" of water pools because the gutters are not aligned properly and the cracks and uneven concrete can not be seen, falling is inevitable... but they don't want to add that they know about this on the lease, so i will keep documenting it in emails with photographs for them and the lawyers i'll hire when i, jackson, or someone finally has a serious injury... this year it may be time to post the photos on the web... and then there's the mold in the walls creeping out from the baseboards and ceiling leaks because the siding was so poorly done... ...

american greed right into the bedroom, bathroom, and the body itself...

the softball's back

yeah, after the scary return on saturday there was the much better return on sunday and and the first game of the new year tonight was our first win of the season, 15-6 and except for a six run fourth when i was getting tired and lazy, it was a rather dominating game all around... i was glad they busted out a bit in the fourth (and they did get some help from the umps calling five different guys safe when they were obviously out, but they seemed to call anyone who slid safe, but we were kind to them too making some errors that inning as they were doing so poorly) cuz i was starting to feel bad for them as they were not even getting decent hits the first three innings)... smoke and fire and fun... i went three for four and drove in four runs and felt tired (i had nothing to eat all day), but great... so three days of softball in a row, seven hours, and still alive and kicking... i ain't done yet la la la...

dinner was salad and salmon and clams... and then salad and turkey... yeah, i gave into a midnight snack... jackson's the biggest loser contest started at her work so i am gonna continue my weight loss program and cheer her on...

another otherwise glorious night...

narf :)

i see old people from the 60s

and they're not dead yet... with love and strangeness, remembering one of the places where reverence for music began there was so much power in words and the music simply poured the words through the air and into anyone who understood the power of the song (quite magical if you let it be... or irreverent, depending on your perspective) i mean, from the future, the waterboys are asking was he singing when he died? and then before, the beatles prophetic boy, you're gonna carry that weight a long time and so many points in between and spanning out in all directions, the magical mystery tour of music is a never ending story (and a fight for love and glory too) if we only listen wide enough to hear, or did you miss it?... were you there?... did you think you were?... how much have you forgotten?... were you told of the time and did you fall in love?... they really knew how to do it way back then... and it wasn't just the drugs... stop me when i get close (or don't, as you wish)...

working up a storm, as you thought i was here...

narf :)

not sleeping again

i fell asleep earlier and woke to pee around 1:00 am and here we are, still awake, listening to neil gaimen and amanda palmer and the waterboys and tweeting (which is a rarity, i mean, we don't want to overwhelm the world with my brilliance, right?)... and then another night, there was this strange one which got 5 stars from rotten tomatoes and high ratings from lots of other sitesbut seems to poorly acted even if it is a strangely beautiful or oddly erotic or gently moving (in between the boring parts... or maybe there are just too many commercials), but there is more inspiration in the music (even if it was a best seller as a book) so in the end, two nights become one, two twelve years olds fall in love, and two whatevers do not make a whhhhhaaaaaah?... you are not expected to remember any of this in the morning, there will be no test... only an open hand...

i am still hungry...

narf :)

wnew

once upon a time there was a radio station unlike any other i ever heard, except maybe klrb (carmel by the sea, ah, but there were memories too) and some others, but still wnew-fm new york was special for many reasons and the djs were part of that... maybe it was because they understood this and harry chapin and the bottom line... but history (whostory?)), for anyone who cares, will thank rosko and jonathan and scott and richard and vin and dave and dennis and pete and alison and even meg, pat, and the other alison for their contribution to the musical airwaves and discussion of the times (like the night john was shot... sigh if you can) not matter what became of the signal over the years... there is still hope... and laughter through tears too...

so many memories from the corners of my mind... you must have many too... wanna share some?...

narf :)

more eyes

as in page views, possible visitors, possible robots, definitely higher numbers as this blog averaged almost 150 page views for the last week of last year... and the last fifteen or so entries prior to the pause had many more page views than the average entry, for whatever that means in the big picture, as if anyone knows, right?... where were we, anyway?... heck if i know (get it?... no worries, i'm not sure i do either)... what?...

so i'd like to thank the academy and all of the eyes who viewed these pages in the last week of 2014 as if there was more vital information during that week than in the six prior years and more six thousand prior entries in this blog (except for those entries that have had more than a hundred supposed views and a few with hundreds, of course)... you give me a sense of accomplishment and pride and worth, for what it's worth...

and to the real eyes, much love :)

everybody dies sometime

yes, that's right... every body dies sooner or later so the body issues i've had recently are not too surprising, i just didn't particularly want to die anytime soon... i do have the postmortem entry ready (well, sort of... it is way too simple and the babbler has not created any part of it, i think, but what it is, for what it's worth, is ready for upload even if it is incomplete, but then, what is complete, after all, ya know) to be automatically posted somewhere around halloween the year i stop coming here to load entries, so i won't just disappear without explanation (even if the explanation is not posted for 324 days)... yeah, so the blog is prepared... life isn't, but at least the blog is...

not meaning to be morbid, just informative and contemplative, even, and there is some plaintive in contemplative, i mean, if you spell it wrong... sound-alikes matter too, ya know?... laughing at myself all the way home (which piggy did that again?)...

narf :)

woahzzzz

that's woozie enough to get a woah... it's happened one time before when i was pushing myself at mid-day on a sunday after playing two games from 8:40am and then lots of practice after the games pitching and hitting and playing infield and outfield and the heat and dehydration snuck up on me and it was scary and once or twice before in this life it happened cuz that's sometimes what it's like for the body and mind when pushing limits in extreme heat but tonight it was nowhere near pushing limits and no extreme heat, it was mostly drugs... yes, i have been way too sedentary since softball season ended in early december and a month of no exercise does set the body muscles and stamina back faster at this age than it did when i was a young pup (and i remember how a month of sedentary laziness would affect me even as a teen, so i should have expected a surprisingly low heat and cellular and muscle stamina, but the pills dehydrated me so quickly i didn't feel it until i was suddenly very woozy and muscles were aching and it was tough to catch my breath and breathing was rapid and shallow and rest wasn't helping and woah...

and then jackson and i stopped for food, take out cuz i was so woozy, our new favorie italian restaurant, and after eating some eggplant rollitini and spaghetti carbonara and a some spinach & onion calzone i felt a little better but not a lot and still so tired so complex carbs didn't help so i made a ice milk shake, mostly ice, and the wooziness is fading so it was a sugar low which is not good cuz that's a sign of diabetes and i've never had that sign before so i am pointing to the new pills as a factor because they dehydrated me and weakened my muscle recovery and the heart is a muscle so how does a pill thank weakens muscles help the heart?... the new doctor and i will have a conversation next visit, or sooner if this happens again... i took another pill tonight, the fourth, but i hesitated a lot... if i don't believe in the pill and it scares me, does that affect how the pill works?... i think many would say so... still somewhat woozy... but sitting here the muscles are tired but don't ache anymore... i wonder how the strict diet will work once i start it again monday...

i am not giving up softball... or exercise... or returning to running... i play six games a day at tournaments... i can still run a 5k in under 40 minutes (i know, that sucks, but i'm old, ok?)... tonight i couldn't even practice more than an hour without feeling like i was going to collapse... if that's what the pills do, the pills gotta go... i'll give until the next doctor's appointment, a week from tuesday (no hamburgers)... until then i will return to the diet and exercise and see how it feels... and i may be rambling...

narf :}

back to softball

kinda groggy from the poor sleep thanks to the dang pills i am accepting for the moment and just waking from an impromptu afternoon nap, whatever the blood pressure might be i am not feeling any better and quality of life is not good at the moment, which is what matters to me as much as longevity so me and the pills will not be continuing this relationship if this continues... alas, the body is not so much my friend in recent years and i don't abuse it much, i mean, on a comparison scale i'd say 98% of people in this country abuse their bodies more than i abuse this one i am in... we shall see once i drop to the medically approved ideal weight how we get along as long as the weight loss doesn't kill it or cause other damage (like it has in the past with kidney stones and muscle issues)... all that whining aside, iam about to head out to softball practice as softball season is back, finally... i have not taken a few weeks off from exercise so completely as i have in the past few weeks so i am definitely going to take it slow today, especially since it's day two of pills that might make me more vulnerable for accidents or organ failures...

such a positive perspective we share, ain't it?...

narf :}

did another day pass?

apparently... but first, lunch... .. .. .. . . . ...there, that's better... a busy morning as work woke me once again (that's just about every day since the night before xmas) and the days have been quite long in spite of the fact that i was trying to take a few days off... holidays are for other people... so this morning several texts and a call came from five different people and problems managed, but i was awake... i forget when i went to sleep last night, but i think it was before midnight so i slept longer than usual, but i woke several times during the night to urinate because the new drug i accepted from the new doctor has a diuretic in it and it worked well as i had a parched mouth and was dehydrated come morning... not good for the kidneys or body as far as i am concerned, but the high blood pressure isn't either so i am accepting a compromise... for now... i almost decided to stop the meds during the night, but just took another (the third pill since starting) and i may continue until i see the doc again in about ten days...

breakfast was a rare omelette... i might eat eggs a few times a year, sometimes less... mostly yummy with fat free american cheese, fat free cream cheese, fried onion rings and onion-garlic salt for seasoning... a little fat free milk in the eggs for protein... and hunger abated... breakfast was an activia yogurt... exercise would be wise today...

now where were we? :)

in a little while

we may understand the pauses and all the messages that might have been and can still be and was and will be and if you only knew what i knew, you'd understand why i am laughing through my tears as i see everything and feel even more beyond as part of all matter and energy even beyond all we know at the moment, believing makes it real... and we the people believe all sorts of things so in a little while you won't see me anymore, but a little while after that, you will see me again because the pause is as temporary as this life as we know it and the energy is as permanent as everything beyond our wildest dreams...

yeah yeah yeah...

narf :)

ya never know

what i mean is, ya never know where this blog will pause, what entry will be hanging out there for days... i could have wished for dozens (hundreds, even) of entries to be welcoming more attention than the last one (which is this one at the moment, but won't be by the time you read this as the night is young (for me) and the pause did not stop the flow of words, only the uploading of words, so in a little while (which leads to so many tangents it could be explosive, but that's a herd of many different colors and other stories for other times and entries too) there just may be many entries between that one (liked as "this one" above) and this one (as in the entry you are reading at the moment you are reading these words), but an unplanned pause is an unplanned pause and so it is (and so it goes... and so it was xmas, and this is part of what we did, not that it was anything different for me other than working more cuz i let everyone else take time off, but that's the story of the life of a giver, alas, which is yet another story for another time and entry and so on and so forth and you oughta know the rest by now, but just in case you don't, you may inquire within)...

wait, what?... another day/night passed?... and then another?... and another?...

narf! :)