Jackson has another life now and doesn't keep in touch much. So the stockings are empty on the wall. First holiday without Happiness, ironic to no end. So feeling more alone than ever. No Happiness. No Curious. No Jackson. No family. No close friends. Just people to play cards or games, people to spend money with, superficial fun.
Sucks for now. Sucks this year.
Hopefully I will find a new job so I can find a new place to live so I can find a new friend. I am happy Jackson fell in love, but she couldn't have left me alone at a worse time. Just when I needed a friend most. Hopefully she will keep her word and help me.
Merry Happy Whatever.
Saturday, December 26, 2015
Alone
Monday, December 7, 2015
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
I Could Disappear
The daily blog before this one supposedly has more than a dozen followers and this one has a few, as I noted. That does not mean anyone reads these words. Certainly there have been no comments recently and just one, a birthday wish, that was not SPAM all year. Thank you for that. The few commenters I've had here over the years know how to reach me through other means, so ultimately, I could literally disappear from the web and my disappearance might not even be noticed for months. That is sad, yet I am not here for the comments or even for you, dear readers. I am here for me first and for the one primarily. If you are reading, I love you for that and I am here for you too, but I don't even know if you are there (in spite of my millions of fan mail from flounders and other species) so it is not always easy to maintain the illusion of you. I hope you understand that and the reality does not offend or hurt in any way. Every now and then, I need to adjust my perspective to return to reality. This is one of those times as I am more alone in the real world than I've been in a long time and I must live in the real world now and then or it will sneak up and cover me with a dark blanket of loneliness and frustration. We don't want that, not do we?
If I disappear, I'll try to write (lol lam lamm - that last one is laughing at my madness).
maybe I meant, don't forget to write...
Narf :)
followers
this whole concept of following online is so confusing... there are all sorts of ways to follow someone or something (blog, post, comments, users, articles, comments on articles, and let's not even begin to get into facebook and other sites)... here in this blogger world, there are email followers and widget followers and reading list followers and google plus followers and who knows what else... and the source of the confusion is the google blogger dashboard (as opposed to the google plus dashboard or any other dashboard google provides) has a link feature to supposedly indicate how many followers each blog has and then, after clicking, the unpredictability appears...
so on the party of living, a seldom visited or used blog i created some time ago when i was more optimistic about life's party (not that the party has ended, but there's just less time or enthusiasm or partying i feel like reporting but that's not the point of this entry... the point is, in this blog, the dashboard says there is one follower... clicking on the link, there is no follower there on the page that opens... and the google widget on the page itself says there are no followers... so why does the dashboard say there is 1 follower?...
yes, it is confusing... feel free to offer a simple explanation... perhaps google allows someone to follow privately and therefore only shows up as a number in the count, but nowhere else... or perhaps the follower is following in some other way of following so they show up in the count on the dashboard but not in the widget (and the question arises, where are they following from and even if they want privacy {we won't get into the whole stalking secretly aspect), how would knowing how they are following change or threaten their privacy?... knowing would help the blog writer know how people are finding the blog and who puts a blog out here to not be found, after all?)...
ummm, stop looking at me that way (lol, as if i do, huh?)... well, continuing this exploration, we come to RealTime™... seventeen (17) followers is the number linked on the dashboard and when that link opens we find fifteen (15) followers (so two remain in that limbo unknown place that the one from the party of living blog may be)... and then i did some exploring and found random people followed RealTime™ who knows when for who knows what reasons and only one made contact over the decade that RealTime™ has existed so i wonder if they clicked follow somehow somewhere and then forgot about it or if they actually follow silently secretly for some reason...
and then we come to ric-candor which is the blog where i collect and put my public profiles cuz, after all, if i am introducing myself to someone or some place online or the entire internet and anyone anywhere, i figure i ought to remember what i said and shared about myself if only to remember who i think i am at any given moment in time... and there, the dashboard says 1 follower and that follower is 2d6a0934-4f95-11e5-82db-1f911e3c1d68... yup, that is what i find when i click on the link and that 2d6a0934-4f95-11e5-82db-1f911e3c1d68 leads nowhere and i am the only one being followed by 2d6a0934-4f95-11e5-82db-1f911e3c1d68... so someone wants to know the real physical human offline me and offers no information at all, unless, of course, 2d6a0934-4f95-11e5-82db-1f911e3c1d68 is a friend who simply has not told me they follow ric-candor...
finally, for the google-blogger-blogspot blogs i started that have followers listed on the dashboard, we come to (e)thereal, which is this blog you are reading (and yes, this entry is way longer than this blog is supposed to be in terms of brevity of entries and i will likely put this entry in RealTime™ because that was the babbling blog when i had more time for babbling (and apparently people like babbling more than brevity, or perhaps this blog simply has too many entries daily for anyone to want to actually follow, especially if they follow by email or follow lots of other blogs, but then, the entries are supposed to be {and sometimes actually are} brief, but that's beside the point) with added babbling because, after all, that's what babbling is... but this paragraph was about this blog you are currently reading so let's get back to it...
yes, so (e)thereal, this blog, has 3 followers... only two show up on the followers page and i wonder who you two are... do we know each other offline?... have we had any contact?... the linked page says one of you is a student and the account was created in 2010... JJ?... just a guess... and the link on that profile leads to this unused blog... looks like one i might create, by the title and the visual look... if you are out there, say hello, whomever you are... and then there is someone i'd love to meet (yes you, your privacy shall remain private) but she has not been updating her blog since 2013 and i have misplaced email contact info... did we ever talk?... feels like we have been friends forever, so where are you now that i have time, aye? :)
and there is a journey through the followers listed on the dashboard of my google-blogger-blogspot account... i am happy i wandered through, even if it answered no questions, especially because i have some new out of the blue hope i might actually be cared about, even if most followers forget they clicked the follow button in a moment of interest some years ago... and steph, i hope you call :)
and anyway with any answers, feel free to share...
narf :)
Monday, November 30, 2015
for what it's worth
the previous entry (or one of them), which could have (and probably should have) been several entries, or many, even), was a waking attempt to tie it all together, so to speak... to bring the purpose of this blog into present clarity by looking back on the beginning of this seven and a half year six thousand seven hundred eighty two entry journey through words... and in the end, the answer to the question what's it all about, really? may be the answer to life, the universe, and everything that the mice were looking for or something like that... it was never actually completed though, so someday (when the princess comes?), who knows... after all is said and done, could it really all boil down to desperately seeking attention?...
sometimes all we can do is...
narf :)
my aversion to fat
sometimes my opinions are not politically correct... for instance, i have an inate aversion to fat and it is so far beyond the superficial appearance of fat, it is sometimes too deep or instinctive to explain... i see fat i see the images from biology class of the fat cells, i see images of butcher shops, i see what twenty or thirty or fifty or a hundred pounds of fat looks like... and i see the formulae from chemistry class... and more than anything else i see the medical reports on the consequences of fat... and none of that is good for anyone... so naturally i wrote the following comment after reading the comments defending fat on this article (Hopkins is an anti-fat advocate, known as a fat-shamer {which is apparently a movement in the UK}, that prompted the article)... you can read my comment here (in a blog that offers more insights (or is that incites?) into who i am, what i think, how i feel, and all sorts of stuff few have ever wanted to know...
if you think my perspective is superficial, then we can disagree but i think you don't know me or see my perspective... i think most people are in denial about a lot of things and the whole beautification of obesity is one of the most serious dinials of one of the most serious health risks facing our culture...
maybe that's why i don't have a job, aye? (hey. too much seriousness is not healthy either, m'ok?)...
narf :}
little acts of defiance
in this modern world where conformity is so vital to success, it may be that the little acts of defiance we do each day is all that is keeping us from becoming mindless machines following the rules of the culture in every little thing we do from work to play to sleep to...
yes, not completing the sentence is another little act of defiance...
narf :)
Sunday, November 29, 2015
remember
where (e)thereal began (where do i begin) to tell the story of how great a love can be?... ah, now that question transcends where (e)thereal began and this entry was intended (as passive as that may be) to recall the beginning of this particular blog and not the beginning of anything else, no less the universe (or something like that and let's not even get into time, m'ok?) or love (better to have, and all that chin-up stuff... sigh and laugh the day away... alone again, ...)... what?... where were we?... something about remembering?... something about always... la la la la la la la la la la la la la?... yeah, well, if you don't get goose bumps you are not only not the one, you are one of them (don't feel bad, you can still enjoy life, just do it over there, m'ok?... lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol)... shhhh, there's always one too many when it's good... what?... where were we?... oh yeah, something about remembering... i'm still here... are you?... did i mention that harpo had this playing when i walked in?... but that's another story... so is this, but we digress again... is that what we are supposed to be remembering?)... the beginning, or something like that...
yes, where it all began... sigh... the love story that never was, but always... always the dream of falling in love and sharing life forever, or at least until it ends... but that transcends again, digresses again, and whatever... again... the point of all this, hours and many memories and videos from many shows and eras and languages, even, later, is remembering where this blog began... but after all that above (which contains hours of diverse wandering of the internet, especially youtube), i am not sure where this was going to go so it may be time to pause and call this part one and see if part two ever comes along and if it does, whether it has anything to do with this entry or the actual point that started this entry... i suppose that will depend on whether i rememer what that point was, which might have had something to do with the point itself, or the point we just now came to... in any case, here are some more links for you to explore if you care to know what this or anything was about, ever, but especially during the time of this blog...
it really is no secret, of course i should be sleeping, which would have been a nice quippy close and was for years, more than six years in fact (or longer than that, even... what? what? what?... what?), but what is time, anyway... or is watt energy? (what?)... what-ever... when (where?) this came along and i just had to continue once again, because i love you (and me too), so here's another shot at all the strange and wonderful links that were in one or more of previous entries, m'ok?... thank you for caring (yeah) and choosing to spend time with my words (word?)... your words are wery welcome here... encouraged, even... and now (or when ever, even), with even more further ado, some impromptu fortuitous philosophy and nonchalant self-promoting (cuz i really want someone to know me {or something like that}, motivation is important in this life, ya know?), more of this, which is whatever you want it to be (it will be if you understand what makes everything move {and i mean everything and that is just where it begins} with intensity {sigh} beyond reason {sigh} and the purest peace {sigh} that comes from the purest love {sigh} and innocent trust {sigh} i welcome you {who are you, anyway?} to this world {what's with all these sighs?}, even though the point of it all could be random)... what?...
really, you do not need to know the words to love musical theatre... here's proof :)
narf :)
100101
yeah, the numbers of page views continue to be counted... that's 37 in binary... good thing google isn't counting page views in binary or those would be sadly few views for a blog that's been around for a million years (give or take a moment or few... you know, time is relative and all that)... 2769 days... 7 years, 6 months, 29 days... 6780 entries... 100101 page views... what do those number mean to you?... to me, they mean i've been true to one of the primary goals for this blog, to consistently add entries at least daily... sure, i've let a day or days or longer pass without entries, but not often... in fact, maybe rarely... the point of this blog was to record life as it happens and let the brain dump the input life provides every moment into relatively concise commentary (rants, distractions, silliness, and all the anything can happen in free associative babble that has been going on for a long long time... and that's just the online babbling, maybe 20% of the written gardens, but that's another story and a journey of a lifetime for someone who has the time and desire and all the right stuff and all that jazz too)... never know when babble will get serious, aye?...
in case you didn't know, the last two months have been seriously challenging around here what with what (what with what?) insurance companies and medical professionals consider major life changes and even major life traumas... sigh... but that may mean (you'll have to read for yourself to find out cuz it's for you to decide) there may be some quite revealing entries in the flow of this blog (and all the others) in the last two months... feel free to let me know if you find anything worth your time (you know i love the attention... and deeper insight and actual caring, well, you know i dream of that, in spite of all my silly-too-cool cavalier distractions and nonchalance, aye?)...
keep in touch? :)
the party was for me
and it even had it's own facebook event page which was so over the top (even ego was looking for the hoopla to be toned down, but laughing too) and dear harpo did a great job, as usual, preparing food on a budget that satisfied most of the guests and he serving everyone (he so loves to do that, which is why i said yes when he suggested the party) and after dinner and dessert we broke up into games we all enjoy and maybe everyone remembered what the old games nights were about, fun with friends, and maybe everyone forgot the party was for me... that was my hope, for i am seldom in the mood to be the center of attention, especially as the years pass and i remain alone in the world (when it comes to a partnership)... i want equal billing, not a spotlight or podium, and that is what came as we played the games... but the effort harpo put into the night was a wonderful demonstration that caring is a verb... it is so good to have friends who care, especially now...
his mom fell on the way to the bathroom which caused a scare and stress, but she was about to walk and hopefully will not be too sore in the morning... other than that, the night was a warm fuzzy gathering of old friends reminding me that i do not really want to be as alone as i sometimes feel i want to be these days... next month is harpo's birthday and we will do something to celebrate...
if you want to help me find the one (i would forever be in your debt) and if you have the time, then here in the 23 blogs in the links that follow are some clues about her and important (and some silly) things to know about me and her that can help find her maybe if it makes any sense at all to you (or something like that) :)
narf :)
caring is a verb
is anybody listening?... does anybody understand?... does anybody know how much i want to give with my own hand?... will anybody care for me the way i care for you?... can anybody actualize a love that's true?... ah, the dreamer dreams and i know some are wanting to, some are meaning well, the message does get through.... but the energy level i live on is a lonely place to be because in all honesty nobody keeps up with me and i don't want to slow down or come down or bring anyone down to the depths i feel inside or the heights where my heart flies... still i want to share so much, it's so much more than anybody's ever shared... i will pause here... wondering... have i made anything clear?... i will pause tonight... wondering... if you think i'm wrong or right... i will pause now... wondering... does anyone know how... to really reach me in a way i will allow... i will pause to reflect, not to bow... i will pause today to see what you say... anybody?...
sometimes i wonder if only cats and lovers (and some wise dogs) understand... the title says it well if you do... this entry is an honest open hand... i only asked for what i give... how i live... links in the last few entries may help you see... who i am and what i want for me... and how i care and want to share and the way to my reality...
to be continued?...
narf :)
Saturday, November 28, 2015
still have ruzzle
when seeking distraction, besides the computer chess, there is ruzzle... and while playing other people would be ok, i am more looking for solitary distraction so playing the computer or the app works well for me... selfishness is necessary during this period of adjustment to not working and job hunting... and staying awake all night to enjoy the quiet and simultaneously enjoy the solitude and lament the loneliness... maybe a little (or a lot) like dr. who (where is my clara?)... but this life i live is not is story life fiction, this is not a fantasy, not anything like what we watch on the tv or see in the movies... this is life, life as i know it... and real as it can be, my illusion, my dream... and every now and then, my nightmare... when i do not believe i deserve prosperity... when i do not believe i am worth success... when i do not believe anyone will ever truly love me unconditionally... i self-destruct... as i did once again this year... 2015, another year of burning myself out and giving up on the dream... another year of wondering if anyone will care enough to save me when i let myself fall... and testing the waters to see if the world will simply let me die...
yeah, like i said, i still have ruzzle...
narf :}
a hundred thousand plus
that's right, this blog has reached one hundred thousand page views and now, the numbers move on... it is a momentus occasion, no doubt... this is not the first blog to reach the 100,000 mark and it took longer than it did for others and others had a whole lot more comments but that is because they were in communities (diaryland and livejournal)... i miss those days when there was an interactive audience out there (the millions of email and snail mail fan letters are great, but the friends, old and new, are missed... papa can you hear me?)... life is boring these days without the work i love... there is softball, but the leagues pause around the holidays so not so much after next week (thank goodness for atournament in new orleans coming up) and there are games and the insatiable cat to occupy time... jackson is hardly ever around so the lonely lonelies are powerful but in spite of the challenges, the fact is that hope still springs eternal, even in the fall... and of course there is facebook for distraction and as always, whatever... and did you miss curious?...
of course we are having fun, me myself and the rest of the voices in my head...
narf :)
mindless chess
i don't really play well, at least not in a long time, i just set the level at three or four and play during commercials with half an eye... i was ready to sleep some seven hours ago when curious hopped up on my lap and would not take no for an answer as you can see above, so i rubbed her nose and other parts the way she likes it and then she decided to go to sleep between my legs again which means i stay in the recliner and while i sleep in the recliner sometimes when i nod off watching tv, sometimes like this time all the rubdown and meowing and repositioning might have put her to sleep but it woke me up so here we are again, seven hours later, still awake...
meanwhile, how many entries have you missed?... there were at least a couple of dozen loaded in the last few days... did you notice?... did you read any?... do you have any reactions or stories to tell?... are you still awake?... do youall the secrets that might have slipped out in to them, aye?... want to know a secret?... is your sky blue today?... rook to queen 3?... boo?...
narf :)
Friday, November 27, 2015
99947
that is the number of page views at the moment, up 6 page views in the past hour... some time tonight the psuedo magical fixation with whole numbers will be achieved and when nothing happens of any more significance than a fart in a forest that nobody hears or smells, the dying tree and i will laugh... such are the amusements i find in the life i live these days... i spent $50 yesterday, $50 more than i spent in at least a week... wait, there was that $88 shopping trip for food, was that this week or last?... in any case, socializing with people is costly so i am restricting my socialization so tonight i spent time on the internet reading the news on facebook and continuing the commentary intended to save the world and connect with more friends and ultimately, find the one... we all need a purpose in life, after all... except those who don't... and the laugher borne of cynical hope (the stuff of hitchhiker's guide or catch-22 or dr. strangelove which might be more gallows humor than hope for many, but i find hope in the strangest of places and circumstances) reigns supreme as i listen to two new very young voices and find out that the new next door neighbors have young children because they are shouting on the patio five feet away...
finding the internet both sad and funny
hoping to find some friends who understand
the power of simply holding hands
hoping to find one friend who understands
who i am
never know just when the serious will pop up, aye?...
and illusions are reality, don'tcha know...
narf :)
illusions are reality
consider the source(s)... illusions (shhhh, listen to the story and you may hear something that reminds you that you are aware) is reality shared reality is illusion squared if you understand then you are aware if you don't then you fear being aware... no more distraction... unless, of course, you call listening to an audio book (and trying to actually listen and follow along) only to find it is read rather pedandicly and sadly, unimaginatively as words, not as the meaningful communication it was meant to be in my mind... read poorly, unfortunately, read very poorly... inconsistent pausing, discordant candence, disconsonant timing, incongruous emotion, even sniffles... alas, i had to turn it off before the first segment was completed so the distraction is gone and a meaningless complaint remains... well, maybe not just that...
distractions, like truths, are not always full of joy and laughter, after all...
narf :)
part twelve ( ... )
oh no we don't (he said with some emphatic grinning), not leaving the clock unfinished, no way, not pausing one short of a dozen (he said thinking of bagels) and certainly remembering the song of his heart, he never cast aside the dream of being a storyteller, a writer, a mistrel as well as the gardener of words in an ever expanding universe containing this blogging life and many other writing places created to satisfy the love of words and sanity found in releasing himself in free associative prose and more thematically structured rhymes... dive in and you can know the author almost as well as he knows himself... ask and you can come closer... or skim the surface and create your own illusion of the person behind the words... that is the freedom we share here... make it what you want it to be, real and true or fantasy... or was it just a dream after all...
whatever will be, will be...
narf :)
part eleven (illusions)
somewhere within the babbles, somewhere between the lines, the truth may be discovered, but is it yours of mine?... somewhere within the rhythm or lost within the rhyme, we choose our own religions, one lie at a time... in our delusions, we hide our crimes... in our illusions, we hid our minds... in our confusion, we avoid what we don't want to see and by refusing, you may never know me... i would have told you if you asked but you didn't want to know for when i tried you'd look away and distract yourself with with facebook on your phone or something on tv or something else... you never really wanted to know me... i would have told you, if you had listened, but when i tried to you would zone out and your mind went somewhere else so let's not pretend you wanted to know when you showed me you didn't want to know every time... and you still have nothing to say... and you still silently walk away... and you still don't acknowledge who i am... yet you call me your best friend... and i am to understand... i adopted you as my family... so i love you unconditionally... so you don't have to listen and you don't have to care to know who i really am... i am still here as family, understand?... i hope you don't let any guilt get in your way... i hope you don't push me away... i've lost family this way... but i won't pretend you know me... you don't know what's going on inside of me... we're family, not bffs, and i accept that... i hope you can too... but you don't call me family so i accept i am a bff to you... somewhere inside i think you always knew...
you know you found reality when you can finally relax...
narf :)
part ten (morning breath)
morning (like sunday morning sunshine?) comes so slippery (or quickly in some ways) and no one has arrived as if anyone was expected but there is always that hope someone will show up at the precise moment i am open to opening all the shutters on my windows and unlocking all the locks upon my doors and brushing away the cobwebs from my day-dreams and actualizing no secrets coming between us anymore (what?) which is the way to the healing of the broken heart that comes from any number of things or events or experiences (like even broken promises) which is the only way to returning to a state of readiness to actualize unconditional trust which is the only way to actualize unconditional love which is the only reason for living worth living for for any person consciously aware of the most infinitely perfect bliss this life has to offer (at least that is my belief) so even as the cat and the tv and facebook and food and drink and any number of distractions effectively lead us in revolving intersecting circles the intersections bring us home again to g...
harry understood (or at least i wanted him to)...
narf :)
part nine (sorta)
and is that why there is such loneliness as if i forgot how much sharing means and caring means and partnering means because i had someone to take care of living with me (have we heard this song before?... we should re-read the past and the move into a solo life some seven years ago may be one place to start) and the potential likely possibility of impending loss of the distraction that caring for someone living with me is bringing on this relatively panicked state of loneliness (like a good scout, be prepared) so when it does happen it will not be the shock awakening it could be if i avoided it until it actually happened so all this babbling may have a coherent point and important value after all if i do not distract from it so much it is lost in the words that flow out of the head as elementary as elementary is complex to the average mind or perhaps it is not and i am simply on a different wavelength due to egocentric delusion which prevents me from joining the communal collective delusion that the majority of humanity seems to choose even as it kills them with lies, hypocrisy, fear, and hate...
and nine is not the number one, but significant to john lennon and his songs are significant to me...
narf :)
part eight (again?)
broken promises hurt so much, broken trains of thought may help the healing by helping forgetting but forgetting is like aspirin, masking the pain and not preventing the cause from hurting in some other way so resolving the cause and resolving the borken promises (or whatever loss causes the pain) is the way to return to a whole heart and peace and happiness and security and the wonders of unconditional trust and love and hope and that is the only way to make the dream come true and until that happens, the dream is over (and not in a good way) and will not come true but there is always hope (i hope) so never give up and never surrender and keep the promise to walk on through the wind and rain and do everything possible to heal and even if it takes another and the other dies before they help, being true to the glorious quest will allow peace and satisfaction when the end finally comes and so until then we go on believing in miracles and the goodness of the human heart even if there are hearts closed to repair broken promises or worse, simply avoiding the possibility and therein making it seem like the impossible dream...
can you really imagine? or is it just a pretty song?...
narf :)
part seven (really?)
well, sorta... five or six hours of this sort of sorta continuous distraction and screaming might be a good thing (or if could simply be a side effect of a cross between a super big gulp and a slurpee, if we want to downplay the vital importance of the message in the madness) and we could move on the an all new episode of haven where there is less eye candy but more imagination stimulation cuz you know i love science fiction for it's potential for infinite possibilities when the genre is in the right hands and even though haven started from stephen king's mind and his mind is one of my favorite playgrounds the show is not always a favorite it does offer a fair amount of distraction when i let it and i might let it if i actually stop writing about it and start watching a bit of it but even writing about it is helping the greater good or something like that if you know what i mean if you remember the point of the point of this series of entries that were not planned but happened anyway (are you there?... here?... anywhere?... sigh) so it is what it is and we choose what to do about it together or alone, the latter leaves it as it is, the former changes everything...
just call me the artist formerly known as the the artist formerly unknown...
narf :)
part six (sorta)
wide awake at 4am without a soul in site.. no people either... and the slow down may be starting... or perhaps there is some distraction on the tv or somewhere that is slowing down the screaming babbling that is distracting me from the screaming loneliness that might or might not be underlying everything that is being written or felt in the last few weeks or lonely or maybe even a lifetime except those rare moments and years i believe in the partner i was with and where are they now, first loves of mine, if you could see, you'd reach out to me and my moody blues and will anybody ever listen to my story?... the whole black friday consumerism is such vivid example of the sad sickness in our culture which would be a fine distraction if i was paying attention but i've done a good job of distracting myself from the culture because it frustrates me so much and just reminds me of how rare the one might be which does not help keep hope alive and well so can we please just get back to the point of all this which is distracting me from the point of all this (or this for that matter)?...
and sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy...
narf :)
part five (sorta)
screaming loneliness is not bringing me the one or any sort of partner in crime or life or even a new best friend and while jackson still calls me her bff and she is the person closest to me in the world today, here i am alone when i (was i going to write need or something like that?... in-depth self-analysis must follow, no doubt) want more than ever to cry on someone's shoulder and laugh at the silliness of taking the ideologies and materials (and money) and future and power trips and rules and stuff like that of this life as seriously as most humans do when all that matters is what we can share when we care in the moment we care and share honestly and openly and completely actually actualizing unconditional trust (can anyone really do that in the physical reality?... here i wait for another one who can) and this parenthetic aside (or is it the entry itself) is kind closer to the bottom line than intended so boom and all that whatever with a shamalamadingdong so why does it (or do i) continue through this long winter night (actually it is still very much fall and being florida, very much warm, but that wouldn't fit the metaphor i suppose) all through it, even...
is all this supposed to be going somewhere?...
narf :)
part four (sorta)
i am not sure which is worse, presumption or assumption but if you go by the semantic saying of what assuming does, it seems worse than presuming because, after all, wouldn't you rather be a pre?... in other news, the manic rambling continues as if you didn't notice because the underlying loneliness is so powerful that it requires immediate and incessant distraction that can only come from within without and anywhere it might be found without reason or cause or consideration for any sort of meaningful cohesion of thoughts or subject or even us, dea readers, but if you bear with me and stick with me through this storm of distraction you will earn your next level in the video game that brings you closer to knowing me (maybe, but who can tell distraction from the bottom line or reality from fantasy or illusion from delusion or what is real and how you feel and what's the deal from orange peel or facebook, even, these days?) that you might find on any one (or a specific few, if you only knew) of these blogs and other strangers...
what?... you must remember this (or something like that)...
narf :)
part three (sorta)
it was not tv's craig ferguson bring me mila kunis that is distracting me at the moment (what's that name game he's got on the tv right now?) and being the middle of the night where i am and it having been thansksgiving the night before the stillness (or is it silence?) on facebook is not distracting me so what is distracting me and am i distracted and we could turn on rosewood and have that beautiful body distract me as i choose between the shows currently on the dvr that i watch and jackson does not watch because i try not to watch the shows she watches so we can enjoy them together but i sometimes do watch those shows before she does because she doesn't have time to watch tv more than a half hour to an hour one or two nights and week which is why we have more than 90% full dvr most of the time which prompts me to consider the enhanced dvr which has three times the space or so i am told but not until i get an income producing job again so here we are...
wherever this is (or might have been)...
narf :)
part two (sorta)
bzzzstzzzstszzzzzz... pizza (sorta) is in front of me smelling really good (as opposed to fakely good?) among other snacks (cuz they came out of the oven fresh while i was waiting in line to pay) in spite of having eaten thanksgiving dinner earlier which was impressively good though it was not turducken (or turdunkin, for that matter) and i happily took some home and put it in the fridge, but i forgot the chocolate cake snack which is what i wanted when i walked into the 7-11 in the first place after actually stopping for a impulse sugary drink which is a combination of a cherry mountain due and a cherry slurpee over ice which is probably why the words are flowing as if i am buzzing right now, aye?...
it really doesn't matter if i'm wrong or right... right?...
narf :)
Thursday, November 26, 2015
dazzling distraction (sorta)
if it was not for the tv distracting me i'd be ranting and raving about how lonely i am (so aren't you glad there is a tv on at the moment?... laugh till the cows come home, whatever that means) and during the commercials there is the almost seemingly never ending distraction of facebook (especially when thousands of friends and pages and groups offer thousands of posts a day to offer distraction from the ever growing loneliness if you know what i mean, i mean, do you even have a clue of what all this rambling is about, i mean, beyond the superficial mention of tv, facebook, and loneliness and not to mention the abstract of distraction and the the possible ramifications and permutations and radicle particles woven within between the lines in the details?) and wherever this was going, it's interrupted by the commercials that inspire me to grab the remove and fast forward to the next scene in the show, whatever the show may be...
i will not go down quickly... or quietly... right?...
narf :)
the facebook pages
so what to do with all that lonely energy, aye?... well, so maybe i did this already and maybe this is the first time i am formally introducing and semi-explaining the facebook pages (and one new group) i created... first thing we should know is these are not completely what they are intended to be just yet as they are not active and their theme or message is still evolving, but there is an intended theme for each... another thing to know is they are mostly images and memes at the moment as that is what so many pages are about and i wanted to try that way out and it also takes a lot less time to upload an image than it does to write (for me, at least, being the babbler that i am)... also, none of them are getting much attention or interaction, but that's life on the internet for me... i am obviously not attractive to audiences and don't do much of anything to change that... but the pages are out there and i wanted you to know, i mean, cuz you care and want to know everything about me and what i think whether deepest thoughts and feelings or fleeting moment whatevers, right?... so are we ready?... well, ready or not, here we go...
wide awake at 4am ... this is intended to be my feelings and inspirations as i get closest to my core in the middle of the night... some lonely angst might find it's way into this page as it gets deeper into the night (or me) and i remember how much i want to share life, love, and the pursuits...
stuff i want to remember ... this is just what it says, things i find on the internet that i want to remember... could be serious as a brick to the head and could be irreverent silliness just to amuse me...
independent views ... this is an attempt to find unbiased views of anything that might catch my eye or interest... it will probably see a lot of fact and figures and data and charts, though i will attempt to verify the sources are accurate and unbiased as much as possible...
change america ... this is where my bias will come in as i post what i think should be changed in this country and pose questions about the way things are out there in the land of the free and the home of the brave...
thank dog, ma ... this is where i question religious dogma (get it?) and while some frustration with the stupidity of the actions of some religious folk may pop up (and mockery coming from that frustration), mostly i intend this to be more enlightening and positive thought-provoking than controversial or provocative... i imagine it will offend those who prefer to take offence rather than discuss anything rationally, but it is what it is and everyone chooses their perspective and actions as they wish...
nocturnals ... this will be something about being nocturnal when it gets going...
unofficial - help ... this is the newest page and it is intended to be a place where anyone can come and ask for help with anything and anyone can come and offer help or answers as they see fit... positivity will be the very strongly encouraged way...
Survival Tips for the WWIII Generation
imagine - for non-theist singles ... this is my first attempt at a group and it was inspired by someone asking if there any agonistic-atheist dating sites on facebook or anywhere and when i searched facebook and didn't find any, i created this... since i don't market much, it may not go far, but hey, one never knows...
and that's a summary of the current pages (and one group) i created on facebook... are you thoroughly amazed and enchanted and want to have my baby now?... amused, i hope...
lonelier
i could die
so lonely
you know the reason why
yeah, it is getting to me, this sudden change in lifestyle... no job and no roommate at the same time, seriously too much time on my hands and yet, not enough desire to want to trust anyone at the moment, so not going anywhere much... sure, dinner out three times last week with different friends and softball (but now softball is pausing, no more on sunday until next spring, skipping weeks for holidays, and seasons ending very soon)... gonna be a very lonely holiday season, especially since i don't like the holidays and prefer to avoid the pomp and circumstance with a friend who feels the same... but there ain't nobody like that in my life today... so the loneliness is growing in it's god-awful way... no comfort found in solitary games i used to play... why can't i find someone to share, someone who wants to stay... oh yeah i'm lonely... lonelier today... lonely... lonlier than yesterday... oh i'm so lonely... don't know whay else to say... lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely and to my great dismay... i am lonelier than i've ever been in any memory of yesterday...
and i no longer believe in yesterday...
narf :}
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
losing sleep on facebook
actually, i nodded off just before midnight and went to bed and woke about 130am and here we are, five hours later, five hours of just one more click... curious, our cat, is awake and meowing for food and attention as usual... jackson is gone until sunday or monday... i've got a thanksgiving dinner tonight so i need to get some sleep... but the mind is a terrible thing to waste, or something like that... curious stares at me wondering what i could possibly be doing that is more important than her... even after i got up and put food in her bowl, she's waiting here by my side semi-patiently for the scratching and rubbing she loves... i must have good hands, ego says while i laugh... and loneliness screams silently which is the primary reason i am awake and sleep so little... right behind it is work, or lack thereof, and all the stress that not having income brings... idle days do not help, but the foolishness of laziness has dominated life for some time not when i am not on the softball field... and i sit here checking websites as if the answer to my current wants will suddenly appear... the job... the friend... the roommate... the partner... the love...
facebook may be just another one of those wrong places i'm been looking, aye?...
narf :}
lonely energy
maybe it is the loneliness that rises after midnight that wakes me from the slumber that calls in the evenings but whatever it is, here we are again... wide awake at 4am listening to kelly clarkson and a few others try to relate to the feelings i feel and maybe even lift the spirit and energy (if only we were not so alone tonight, it would be easier to feel alright, if only someone was within line of sight, it would be easier to less less lonely... tonight) but the haunting comes around from the lost and found in the middle of the night like this one two three can you hear me? won't somebody tell me everything is alright (and make me believe i can wake up again yeah yeah yeah) all i ever wanted was to hold a hand of someone who could really understand me and never let me go because we wanted to share everything all the time everywhere...
believe?...
is that too much so ask, is that too hard a task, here we are again, wide awake at 4am, wanting something more, is anyone there, understanding me, really? who believes as i believe, who feels the way i feel, who will not let this world dictate what is right or wrong... can anyone be so far out there on the edge of reason?...
so much left unsaid... i hope to share it all before i'd dead... so much in my head... i hope to share it all before i'm dead...
and sigh into narf :)
the world inside out
whatever happened to the simple love songs and the kind of love that went with those songs... yeah, well, anyway, with all the time i've spent on facebook lately, i figured it was about time i included an entry with links to some of the articles and places facebook lead me to (without throwing penalty flags even)... i mean, in case you want to know some of the news of the world (and assorted other things) that have passed through my head this month (reading is such a wonderful experience even when the news sucks depressing lemons), you can go get some popcorn and/or your favorite beverage and share with me my journies through the world wide web (like you used to, remember?)... yes, the world is a depressing place and it is even more sad to be alone in it... no wonder i've been wanding to find a partner more than ever recently... sigh... maybe even one not burdened by cultural prerequisits... anyway, i'd appreciate help defusing the bombs below... and any communication you'd like to share... remember, the facebook entries will lead you to most of my comments and pages and stuff i shared on facebook if you want to know me better... and then, of course, there is this index... for the record, some may be hard to read or watch and some of those have names instead of the word link... and 7 is haunting... like this one too... ah, but enough about me (you know how to find more), here is some of the world...
help me if you can i'm feeling down... lol, narf :)
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