come a little bit closer (redux)

newly revised and updated (cuz there is a difference), this is still trying to be nonchalant in case you don't care so no feeling are hurt in the making of this entry... it's just an entry of links from the come a little bit closer section on the right sidebar all combined in one long paragraph form (for what it's worth or what it means)... fascinating, sometimes... and a fine test of your patience and interest level, no doubt (as are the links directly to the right, if you are paying attention and care - or want to)... the next level of secrets, of course... or perhaps, if you prefer... going for the record?... or whatever, it's the record of the life of sorts, after all... have fun, whatever you do :)

life ioi 42 delight this blog listening? anybody? writing time what i do here a few more words the habit of review for jackson and you the questions above unexpected promise you are appreciated hope i am almost giggly too desperate hello my friends this blogging life it's all about the kit precarious balance the folly of random genius who loves ya, baby? seriously, not really from another perspective too critical? (and links within) cuz i really want you to love me all about the moment before i check thousands finding me remembering home pauses miss you someday wisty wind (for the missing) i don't dream the way i used to the roller coaster ride (episode x) on our way to 4am a musical journey keeping in touch what i do poverty why the real? who knew? the surface deeper? icywtk baggage? vegging hard body all for you (narf) overtiredness sleepless nights because sometimes i feel truth or bullsugar people in real life history qualities if you can what i do is when i want more the most (e)thereal the hope of (e)thereal and then the dream ordinary excitement or don't (come closer) sensual compromise soundtrack of a life leave a message at the tone or check my calendar to find me a touch of me and my philosophy relativity (slice of life in the real) micro-managing the big picture not enough hours in the day blogs and other strangers the facebook life a touch of the real still on nature's course what personal ad? activity partner moving farther on for show (and tell) omigo privacy listening? stumbling when the last line is written

it's raining stones

so as if there are not enough signs that this is a bad year for me, i get home from lunch and a wonderful afternoon with a friend today and find cement falling from above... big chunks of cement... luckily i was not hit by any... it appears that one of the cement stairs leading to the apartment above me broke and chunks of cement landing right next to me as i was walking past the stairs... called the office to let them know... can i get a do-over?...

otherwise, a wonderful lunch with a wonderful friend (who treated, which is even better)... wild mushroom pizza at california pizza kitchen... a bit of cell phone shopping and book store browsing and now home... might consider reading again now that i have time, though must not see this as a vacation too much, right... a very good afternoon... the foot got a serious work out as we walked about and can really use rest now... too bad she doesn't live closer and we so seldom drive through each other's areas (she's about 40 minutes away by expressway toll road) cuz i sense we'd be a lot closer if we were closer neighbors... positive feedback on the hair, which i forgot to mention (cuz i seldom look in the mirror so i forget too)...

happiness greeted me with his usual happiness and is now rubbing his but on the carpet between stare-downs... he's been rubbing his but on the carpet a lot lately... I know he's insecure with jackson gone and wants attention and reassurance, but i do want some time for me too silly dog... yeah yeah, we'll take a walk soon, though not a long one as the foot needs to chill at least a few hours... spoiled, i know, but he's old and so very lovable... hopefully his anxiety will chill a bit tomorrow or it's gonna be a long weekend... ready for a nap now (after the walk)...

hope your day is smiling too :)

come a little bit closer

this is trying to be nonchalant in case you don't care... it's just an entry of links from the come a little bit closer section on the sidebar all combined in paragraph form... fascinating, sometimes... and a fine test of your patience and interest level, no doubt (as are the links directly to the right, if you are paying attention and care - or want to)... the next level of secrets, of course... going for the record?... or whatever, it's the record of the life of sorts, after all... have fun, whatever you do :)

life ioi delight this blog listening? anybody? what i do here a few more words for jackson and you the questions above you are appreciated unexpected promise hope i am almost giggly hello my friends this blogging life it's all about the kit precarious balance the folly of random genius all about the moment before i check thousands finding me remembering home pauses miss you someday wisty wind (for the missing) i don't dream the way i used to on our way to 4am a musical journey keeping in touch what i do poverty why the real? who knew? the surface deeper? icywtk baggage? vegging hard body all for you (narf) overtiredness sleepless nights because sometimes i feel truth or bullsugar history qualities if you can when i want more the most (e)thereal the hope of (e)thereal and then the dream ordinary excitement or don't (come closer) sensual compromise soundtrack of a life leave a message at the tone or check my calendar to find me a touch of me and my philosophy relativity (slice of life in the real) not enough hours in the day blogs and other strangers the facebook life a touch of the real nature's course what personal ad? activity partner moving farther on for show (and tell) stumbling omigo privacy listening? stumbling

growing closer

the list, that is... yes, it's a look around thereal in thereal, this blog page, that is, and we find that the section on the right entitled come a little bit closer just like the old song by jay and the americans (oh go listen, you know you want to) or even this guy, but that's only a deeper reference to the concept of the section and all i am trying to point out (oh really, all?... even gilligan knows better, nyuk and all... oh really?) is that the array of linked pages to choose from (or to wander in order listed) to get to know me better (i.e. come a little bit closer, get it?) is growing to stretch well below the length of the page (being the left side entry length of which i refer to, ya see) and that, my friends, just may be the epitome of defeating the purpose of the brevity upon which this blog was founded...

it is becoming apparently obvious that the babblers have been neglected too long... and that is thereal too...

happy sad

or is that sad happy?... there is a difference, you know?... i think this is a happy sad, which is closer to misery loves company on the scale of infinite emotion than the other, which is closer to the feeling of doing something that makes you very happy but still has a tinge or even a ton of sadness too... an example of the latter would be when i moved from nyc... i was wanting to move south to a warm (hot, actually) non-city (natural playground) kind of place for years so when i did, i want ecstatic and yet, i left behind my best friend who did not want to move away from nyc so there was a sad happy cuz i was mostly happy about doing what i had wanted to do for so long... on the other hand, my best friend was happy sad because she was mostly sad to see me go away, but happy for me that i was living as dream...

so i am happy for jackson cuz she is living a dream and she is happy cuz she is living a dream and yet, i am so sad cuz i miss her and miss having her and happiness to play with and keep me company right here in this space and she sounded very sad happy... being homesick is a tough feeling, so sad, i felt it when i left nyc a lot and it led me to question whether the move was the right thing to do and when i decided it was, i was good again... still, it was wonderful to hear her voice...

closer to euphoria

it comes and goes and there are many ways to get here (for instance, to name one i use) and then (suddenly, for the drama) i remembered that last night i was remembering (profound pause) the last time i was popular (in that fifteen minutes of fame, internet style, sort of meaning) and then i remembered even more before the internet and then i remembered being loved and i sighed and now, i am sighing again... sighing also moves me along the path to euphoria... and running and loving and several other activities too... when we get to singing i am in the fast lane...

but tonight (sudden sound of screeching brakes) i must shower and hope for sleep as i must head back to the work place tomorrow, cold or no cold... alas, even for the moment, it is good to be closer to euphoria again... hope you find your way too...

narf :)

startling prediliction

whatever that means... and sleep has not been granted the mind or body for more fingers and toes than two people who have not lost a single finger or two have combined... so i left here to head to the dinner game party at the house of rolls and we had much fun and frolic all through the evening and a few of us continued past midnight until somewhere just before sunrise when i left to meet precious and friends who were waiting in line all night to enjoy the madness of black friday shopping at best buy (and i stepped into line to join them just as they were entering the doors of the store, but then, i was to be the one paying, after all) and then we wandered and then i drove to rasputin's place to spend ten hours taking his computer apart before finally getting it to cough up more than sixty (yes, 60) assorted bugs (some famous, some ancient, most {or more like all} denied and unwashed as it is easier to laugh off a mistake than to focus on being aware of them when they are still in pending (or appending, for that matter) status or something like that, but isn't it always so, la , la , la ... huh?)...

and then... i drove precious back to where her car was parked (at the best buy across the street from where i live... raspy lives about 45 minutes away, or an hour, depending on traffic) and we decided we were hungry so we ate at the new five guys burger place and enjoyed food reminiscent of my youth near coney island in new york and then, as we were returning to her car, she realized that she left her car keys in her best friend's sweater that she was wearing all day at raspy's (where she left the sweater and keys) and we called raspy (a few dozen times over the next hour or two) and her wallet with the aaa emergency road service number was in the car, probably, so i drove to work to pick up the on-call phone and bag and stuff cuz i kept forgetting to do that and decided it was time to do that and there i got the number for aaa emergency road service (since the number was in her wallet, remember, and i have geico road service cuz aaa did not want me to be a free member, but that's a long story of a different party) and she called aaa and while we were waiting for aaa to arrive, i had the wild notion to check the door of her car in case she left one open and omigosh, the drivers door was open, as was the passenger's door, and don't tell anyone, but both rear doors were unlocked as well... and just as i'm laughing rather heartily and telling her to call aaa and cancel, up pulls the aaa truck... apologies and more laughter and then, for no apparent reason except for the irony of amazing timing, precious' phone freezes up, complete lock up... and so we go into best buy (cuz we'd been hanging in front of it for quite a while this day already) and they check the phone and give her a brand new one cuz they couldn't get it to work and it's been less than 30 days and then, finally, raspy picks up the phone and we tell him the story i just related to you, sort of, in three part harmony...

and then, or now, to be more precise, arriving home, and apparently having fun with commas, i came to tell you where i've been and even more closer to now, to be even more precise, found myself sitting here asleep a few minutes ago, so i completed and i uploaded the entry and now, even closer to now, precisely, i smile as i did and say...

nite nite :)

left out of the chicken race

there is a chance for more, but the body is exhausted and the brain is too even as the chocolate and carbs buzz about which may be a bit like a fish out of water feels as it flounders and flutters and bounces on the shore and the crash could come at any moment, but for the moment, bbzzzzzzzztztztztztztz... bouncy bouncy bouncy... and speaking of bouncy, emily wickersham may be the luckiest girl on tv (though for some reason i thought of emma watson just then), even if mold and mildew will eventually consume everything, but i am closer and closer to simply not watching espn or any sports tv show anymore, but the capacity to see through the forced human drama (not to mention the self-destructive brutality) required to enjoy the game might return at any moment for brief game-long moments for life and attention span is momentary, relative to everything, after all...

i really never wanted to be in the chicken race, anyway, but sometimes i get a little lonely and forget...

narf :)

and these are the nights i feel so alone

getting home from a 16 hour day, or was it longer, when i organized and managed and pushed myself to limits on every level adding fasting the entire day to the mix of challenges and realizing i need to wake in six hours to run around a very long day from doctors (jacksons) to license renewal (jacksons) to lab work (mine) to car shopping (mine) to other things jackson is gonna wanna do to finding some food and maintaining the weight loss mind set to looking ahead to a very busy weekend to knowing i must find time for sleep for the body and the mind and the best chance of getting a decent car deal and the road goes on forever and it would be so nice to have someone to share this push cuz if i die alone, who cares...

i know you care... and jackson cares... sheesh, jackson would freak out if i died... i don't know what she would do, she couldn't make it financially without a lot of help and emotionally, she'd likely shut down and try to find someone to love her... or she'd finally stand up on her own... so am i in her way, enabling her, great, just what i need right now, a conscience that sees the infinite possibilities...

and there is no food tonight... must fast for the blood work... must get some sleep... but it's the kind of lonely that wants me to be awake to suffer it... laughing as i do... dang fool understanding, makes it so challenging to just give up and die...

chilly rainy night... once upon a time i would have gone out running challenging the body to push even closer to it's limits, much much closer, and either live or die... is not doing that getting old or just finally finding some common sense... laughing at myself has become my greatest defense if you believe in yourself you'll never die... whatever, perhaps cha cha cha and a very wonderous alrighty to all of you too... cuz, after all, when all is said and done... you're such a lovely audience...

the neck does not want me to babble... but the mind, mind control, on and on...

narf :)

new in town

after accomplishing all i could do to satisfy the new job place requirements and legal stuff, i texted jackson to find out if she could head home before softball practice to walk casey so i might save dollars in gas and tolls and also eat some lunch and maybe get some batting cage work in since the new job place was just a few miles from the batting cages and about a mile from the fields and she said she's head home and work from home so i had a little time to explore the area around the new job place for potential places to live closer to the new job place and also closer to downtown and more centralized to the area which is something jackson wants a lot too...

the neighborhoods right around the new job place are higher in crime and not places we want to live and as i spanned out the neighborhoods were spotting with nice places just blocks from less safe places, like most urban areas, and so we need to choose carefully among the places we can afford (and we really needs to start searching more earnestly soon cuz we must give notice 60 days before the lease ends and that would be late november, so it's less than 10 weekend and we are gonna be busy with softball for the next ten weekends at least and she's so busy during the week that new living place hunting will be a serious challenge for her... so i will do as much searching as i can do on my own and hopefully she will find some time to review and choose with me...

and then it was time for food...

unfair sports wake me up

injustice is not fair... i realized why i do not like the miami heat... too many times the prima donnas on miami get away with fouls that effect the score of games (boston should have won game two and therein swept miami, but the boston could not beat miami and the refs) and it is a shame that the favoritism and bias toward superstars is so blatant in the nba... oh well, more and more i feel like i've wasted my time after watching games decided by last minute blown calls... meanwhile, watching the game as it got closer and closer wired me back up after i was nodding off around 9pm and now, as usual, midnight rolls around and i am ready to party...

and the world goes to bed... so nite nite world...

nite nite you :)

sweet nap, sweeter shower

though the water is not nearly hot enough (must find a way into the tiny space between the washer dryer and water heater to unscrew the panel and turn up the water heater thermostat cuz i never did that here cuz i didn't want jackson to burn herself and the water is normal hot for most people and rarely do i find anyone who wants it hot like i like hot)... and if i left right now i would be just about on time for the 10ish i said i'd be there but i am in a good place closer to my core (though still far from it and heavily influenced by the madcap rat race pace of modern humanity) which is much closer to the stillness of what many in this world would call god (shhhhh, rarely do i let anyone notice so just call it ego and let it go)...

off to play see the wizard...

snark :)

fell asleep anyway

but only very briefly... an extended commercial for x-factor woke me after the giants game and then i got torn by all the stuff on the tube... a football game that would effect the fantasy league i am in... other stuff i am into mostly cuz of jackson (the cubs game, the jags game, the closer, and more), some stuff i like, the 9/11 drama exploitation and propaganda shows (yeah, i know, memorials, sure), stuff i need to do (like laundry, clean up, some dished, pack boxes, and more), writing, facebook, other internet, and a few more tv distractions... watching the 9/11 stuff for now, advanced loneliness could be provoked for many reasons here (nyc memories, emo-not-shared, and most of all, just seeing things so differently, being me)...

hung out with the team after the game, though did not quite feel like i belonged (my own stupidity mostly cuz i didn't bring food or drink or anything, but there's also that lack of a personal friend, no less a closer personal friend missing from everything i do... not even meaning the one in this case)... of course i am missing jackson more than usual because it is softball sunday so i texted her about all the softball and shows she's into and stuff i thought she'd respond to (pathetic of me, perhaps, but you know how i want to and try to stay in touch with people i adopt, so whatever, right?)... and wah wah wah who cares, right...

sometimes i don't like sundays as much as i used to...

of course that is partly cuz there's work tomorrow and the weekends are just not long enough... time to do laundry, i'll sleep some other time... ate way too many chocolate chip cookies tonight...

so how was your day? :)

in my midnight confessions

not really, i confess whatever is on my mind in every entry... midnight just wakes me more... and tonight, these days without 60+ hours a week of work distraction and with the pressure of potentially not being able to pay rent and bills pending over my head, the alone feel is more profound than ever so, loneliness, yes, it is getting very repetitive around here...

along about now, it's a profound ache, a crying wail pleading for someone to come closer, to interact... it is much more a mental energy, a mind loneliness, than a physical loneliness or sexual loneliness (we usually call horniness)... and it then becomes an emotional loneliness as the mind sends hormones through the body that demand action, find me someone to talk to, the mind demands of the body... the eyes cry out for eyes to look back, for a sign of interest, and ultimately, proof of caring... the mind wants someone to care...

and desperately searches the tv for distraction... ncis provides some, and then psych provides some more... the interactions of characters and the combination of vulnerability and strength and caring in the faces and actions draw me into the characters and storylines (even when they are weak, the mind desperate mind for proof of caring finds it vicariously in the play acting of the right characters)... and the laundry helps distract a bit, the monotonous folding and the thinking that goes into organizing the space to fit everything in as neatly s possible...

the process of dealing with longing for love, proof of caring, and appeasing loneliness continues...

and then it was one

one o'clock, that is... yes, as ridiculous as it is (unhealthy, even), and in spite of being away more than eighteen hours and falling asleep sitting here some ten hours ago, i am way too awake and waking in five hours again is so not a good idea... itchy testicles?... perhaps you've been sitting with the laptop on your lap too long, or falling asleep with it on your lap, or maybe it's crabs... did you fall for the distraction or are you checking your groin?... hey, women are not immune, even if you are ballless... ballless, is that a word?... looks weird... blogger doesn't do spell check, does it?... i forget... you good go mad and never know it, ya know?... then again, maybe not...

and then i stuffed myself with pasta or oatmeal and chips and more (depends on which night this is, not that this is any sort of generic entry or what not) and the scale reports a rise in the weight, again, and the fool lives dangerously closer to the edge and end and i'm wasted and i can't find my way home... at least for the moment... james corden is no craig fergusen, but he can be amusing...

i'm done, narf :}

lox 'n lobsta

no freshly cooked onion or multi-grain bagels around... no freshly smoked salmon or lobster, for that matter... and store brand american neufchatel (Wiki says it is sometimes called farmers cheese, but i remember farmers cheese as something closer to original (french) neufchâtel, crumblier and grainier than cream cheese or american neufchâtel, which is sold as light cream cheese cuz it naturally has 33% less fat, but i may have digressed)...

so actually i am eating a processed smoked salmon cheese spread and a lobster cheese spread and american neufchâtel on multigrain bread... it is a very yummy substitute for the fresh lox 'n lobsta and cream cheese on an onion bagel i used to in in new yoik... yeah, they don't make food like this in new york, you gotta go to new yoik, ya falla?...

it is a drowning of miseries moment, but we'll whine another time, the food is too good for such wastage of time... and besides, it's just a game, right?...

grump :}

and so it's another new year

and what have we done?... sheesh, another year wandering alone... much more social life, much more human interaction than the previous few years... more even than any year in the past ten years... yet still, wandering alone... coming home alone... sleeping alone... being alone... another year alone...

and another year wondering if humans even actually communicate on a daily basis... it was said tonight that even john and yoko, two who expressed an idyllic desire to be with each other, spent much of their days apart in the last five years of john's life... and most couple are apart most of each weekday and how many hours a week do even the most devoted loving couples actually spend together...

and another year of writing words on the web, wondering if i am here to communicate daily or just to record my being alive daily cuz there is no other consistent proof that i ever existed on a moment to moment basis (cuz i remain alone)... at least the babbler, offering the cushion and escape clauses and distance of silliness and irreverence continues to feel the correspondence interaction...

here in the daily life, in thereal, the solitude continues and truly, i wonder if words can bridge the distance on a continuous, daily basis... surely two cannot share moment to moment through words when far apart, unless two were constantly connected by an intercom, a push to talk or endless phone connection... and would that not be just a temporary fix replacement for the physical moment to moment connection that is truly wanted (why else maintain such an electronic connection?)...

ah, here in thereal, long into the first night of the new year, in lonely reverence these things i do ponder... alone, because that is thereal... and after a fun night out, i wonder if the preoccupation with age and the separations and walls it creates is as evident as it seems to me or if i am projecting it myself as once more excuse for not getting closer because the body is bloated and uncomfortable... but such pondering, as real as it is, is for the babbler to take on... and not ready for sleep just yet, so the babbler and rhymer shall be given the fingers now, for there is not much to add to thereal except it was an enjoyable party, half couples and half singles and fun and games and good conversation and we all went home as we came...

and here i am... hope your new year was fun too :)

say it again (part 3)

yes, i will repeat myself in order to shamelessly plug the three new pages i created on facebook (and i will do it again... we can find some original explanatory notes in previous entries and the preliminary introduction for the first page as well as the preliminary introduction for the second page have begun, but the definitive introduction to the facebook pages has yet to be actually written and this is just one small step for man, or rather, one small step towards that end...

sound familiar?... well, the third (this being part three, after all, starting to see the pattern?) page i created over on facebook is wide awake at 4am (reminder for me and fb complaint - not allowed a "username" until the page has 25 fans, but it let the indypage have a user name... arbitrary rules are stupid, anyway, when i finally can have a user name i must return and change all of the links to this page which adds to the annoyance, hence this paragraph here to remind me)...

this one is even more me than the other two as it is intended to be a collection of qords, images, memes (which are basically words on images as far as i can tell ya know), and assorted other postable stuff that amuses, inspires, or in some way belongs on a page that would be called wide awake at 4am with all the lyrical reference that title can muster... yeah, maybe getting closer to the core, or at least, advertising my heart a little more, aye?...

so there you have it, the three new fb pages in all their glory each provided with preliminary introductions here in (e)thereal (cuz facebook is (e)threal, right?) under the title say it again... and with all the sarcasm and self-mockery i can muster at this hour, can social networking get any more fun?... lol lam laa :)

to reach a hundred

it takes a lot to reach a hundred entries in one month... the last time it did was last december (and yes, last year and the year before i average more than 100 entries a month but there were still more than a few months that averaged just an entry a day, so it's not as if it was constant and i was not working for about fifteen of those months (thirteen months in a row were over 100 entries during that period, with only the last two of those fifteen months being less which is when i focused more energy on finding a job, sleeping slightly more job-compatible hours, and devoting less energy on babbling endlessly... hey, the one didn't show up in spite of pouring words out here into the etheral internets at the rate of a dozen entries a day at one point (more than four hundred entries in one month along back then), so and as adorable as morena baccarin and other libbo fantasies may be, lavishing words on visual images of sensual intensity (no matter how believable the aura may be) and libbo fantasy won't get me any closer to actually sharing in the physical reality... it takes a lot to find the one...

it also takes a lot to reach a hundred years in this life...

narf :)

ignorance amazes me

the person and/or people in charge of the NBC broadcast of the 2012 Olympics learned nothing from two weeks of harsh criticism and complaints from thousands (at least) of viewers and most of the media critics as the hashtag #NBCFail appears all over the internet... sadly, a the error that Twitter made in supporting and even colluding with the #NBCFail failure compounded itself tonight as they blocked the #NBCFail hashtag from showing up as trending in spite of the hundreds of tweets per minute with the #NBCFail tag... #TwitterFail hurts even more as it shows the new boss is the same as the old boss and people are getting fooled again... the irony of the song lyric reference is excruciating as perhaps the largest exclamation point on the #NBCFail failures was to edit to death the closing ceremonies (editing out Muse, the band that wrote and played the Olympics theme song) and almost an hour of the closing ceremony production and finally cutting away just before the finally to insert a new #NBCFail sit-com - without commercial interruption (after more than 33% commercials per hour throughout the Olympics) - and pushing the finally off for an hour to midnight on a Sunday night (so even non-internet savvy people, their primary demographic audience perhaps, had to miss the 2012 Olympics finally - getting up for work in the morning, are we?... each night they had a segment on how social media was talking about the Olympics and they lied by omission as the complaints were never address #NBCFail...

even the lead commentator for NBC, Bob Costas, acknowledged the issues and validated the complaints tonight as he noted that the next Olympics will be just in a much closer time zone, referencing the complaints over ridiculously alienating (and poorly produced) tape-delays... but like a nightmare that repeats, NBC failed again tonight even bigger than previous nights... the band playing the final song?... The Who... the song?... My Generation.... yeah, and we did get fooled again...

Costas also mentioned that two high ranking NBC sports producers did call this their last Olympics... whether that was their intention before the games or whether the criticism and their poor judgment calls lead to the resignations or retirements is for anyone to speculate)... most Olympics viewers are shuddering to think about the next few Olympics as #NBCFail has exclusive rights to mess up those broadcasts too...

The New York Times agrees, establishment enough for you, #NBCFail producers?

I turned off #NBCFail and missed the fiasco, but it was interesting reading all over the internet... sad that #TwitterFail conspired in the corporate betrayal of consumers... but the bigger they get, the more out of touch they get... history repeats, redundantly... la la la...

and the NY Times was not alone... i'll be back with more as this turns into a rant for other blogs (you can find the rest if you are interested cha know)... StarTribune - monkey shine perez hilton just look up (Google for you younger folk... snark at m-m-my generation nyuk nyuk narf... oh, and you'll have to use -zimmerman in your search query or you'll get all the apologies NBC made in their George Zimmerman reporting mess-up... if you don't understand, then google how to use google for advanced searches or boelean searches and you'll be fine... aherm) apology online (especially the past 24 hours) and even Google will prove #NBCFail

so how was your night? (laughing with me, i hope :)