and these are the nights i feel so alone

getting home from a 16 hour day, or was it longer, when i organized and managed and pushed myself to limits on every level adding fasting the entire day to the mix of challenges and realizing i need to wake in six hours to run around a very long day from doctors (jacksons) to license renewal (jacksons) to lab work (mine) to car shopping (mine) to other things jackson is gonna wanna do to finding some food and maintaining the weight loss mind set to looking ahead to a very busy weekend to knowing i must find time for sleep for the body and the mind and the best chance of getting a decent car deal and the road goes on forever and it would be so nice to have someone to share this push cuz if i die alone, who cares...

i know you care... and jackson cares... sheesh, jackson would freak out if i died... i don't know what she would do, she couldn't make it financially without a lot of help and emotionally, she'd likely shut down and try to find someone to love her... or she'd finally stand up on her own... so am i in her way, enabling her, great, just what i need right now, a conscience that sees the infinite possibilities...

and there is no food tonight... must fast for the blood work... must get some sleep... but it's the kind of lonely that wants me to be awake to suffer it... laughing as i do... dang fool understanding, makes it so challenging to just give up and die...

chilly rainy night... once upon a time i would have gone out running challenging the body to push even closer to it's limits, much much closer, and either live or die... is not doing that getting old or just finally finding some common sense... laughing at myself has become my greatest defense if you believe in yourself you'll never die... whatever, perhaps cha cha cha and a very wonderous alrighty to all of you too... cuz, after all, when all is said and done... you're such a lovely audience...

the neck does not want me to babble... but the mind, mind control, on and on...

narf :)