jackson's blues

alone hurts when you're unsure of yourself, when all you want to be is loved by someone else... alone hurts, when old friends die, when all you want to know is why - and you can only cry... and it does not matter how beautiful you are inside if you don't know it... it doesn't matter what anyone says . . . on another night, that might be a song... tonight though, neck aches are in the way... the title refers to it being a tough weekend for jackson... she's dealing with the death of a friend who was younger than she is... sudden death, causes unknown, which makes it even more unresolved and challenging for her especially because she does not deal with death well at all... anxiety is way high... depression too... and today was the funeral... so all of my excitement about buying the new car is not even scratching the surface of her blues this weekend... alas, a bad weekend to buy the car and yet, i can still enjoy the new toy by myself even as i console her... even more challenging is the fact that after sitting around the house most of the time for the last six weeks her coping skills have been strained to the max... she's feeling useless and helpless and all those things that come with losing physical independence for many weeks... no way to help her much with that, in fact, anything i do for her just reminds her of how dependant she's been... so this weekend has a good mixture for a recipe of how to feel like crap...

and tomorrow is the sour icing on the crappy cake... she's going back to church for the first time in many weeks and is torn on many levels, in big part because it will be the first time she sees sanford since their breakup and she does not deal that well... another reason to spend a lot of today crying... she knows, intellectually, that she and sanford are not right for each other, but the first public showing of the break-up will be extremely challenging for her... especially since she rediscovered her enjoyment of her faith at a different church today and realizes that she does not get that sort of come to jesus stuff at her current church (which accepts everyone, including atheists in the congregation... did i ever mention sanford was an atheist?... yeah, torn is my best friend on so many levels this weekend and she is even more torn by realizing how torn she has been for so long and how much she gives up of herself for love)... wish i could help, but i can only give her support and remind her that she is beautiful and very worth knowing and has a gazillion wonderful strengths and qualities that have great value (and she needs no one to be who she is)... she must find her answers inside herself...

we did go for a ride in my new car tonight, so she was my first passenger after buying the car... didn't go far, she wan't into it... we stopped at toojays for dinner and headed home... she went to bed and here we are, alone again, naturally...

and if my neck was not hurting, it would be a wonderful night for babble... and rhyme...