in my midnight confessions

not really, i confess whatever is on my mind in every entry... midnight just wakes me more... and tonight, these days without 60+ hours a week of work distraction and with the pressure of potentially not being able to pay rent and bills pending over my head, the alone feel is more profound than ever so, loneliness, yes, it is getting very repetitive around here...

along about now, it's a profound ache, a crying wail pleading for someone to come closer, to interact... it is much more a mental energy, a mind loneliness, than a physical loneliness or sexual loneliness (we usually call horniness)... and it then becomes an emotional loneliness as the mind sends hormones through the body that demand action, find me someone to talk to, the mind demands of the body... the eyes cry out for eyes to look back, for a sign of interest, and ultimately, proof of caring... the mind wants someone to care...

and desperately searches the tv for distraction... ncis provides some, and then psych provides some more... the interactions of characters and the combination of vulnerability and strength and caring in the faces and actions draw me into the characters and storylines (even when they are weak, the mind desperate mind for proof of caring finds it vicariously in the play acting of the right characters)... and the laundry helps distract a bit, the monotonous folding and the thinking that goes into organizing the space to fit everything in as neatly s possible...

the process of dealing with longing for love, proof of caring, and appeasing loneliness continues...