perchance, even

to bed, perhaps to sleep... falling out, nodding off, slipping away, all that jazz... opening this box as if i have the consciousness and will and energy to actually type words when the eyes are closing more than they are opening (what is sleep, after all, if not a very long half-a-blink) and the peanut gallery is bored with my wah wah anyway and as there is extremely low (as in practically no) chance of exchange of bodily fluids there is only madness keeping me from sleep so i shall shelve the madness for a moment and see if it stays there long enough to allow sleep for a while...

nite nite :)

and so what goes?...

lol lam ahhhhh, because the world is round (it turns me on), ya know?... more tired than before, so more wah wah alas... jackson came home a few minutes ago, threw up and went to bed... guess staying at stanford's for dinner and hanging out was more important than getting to bed early... she caught the cold and flu that her nieces have and mother has... so will my immune system keep it from doing damage in this body?... we can hope, but apparently it is a fierce strain of cold and flu... just what we need...

she didn't even check the laptop or papers... guess she feels really bad in many ways...

so what's up for me?... the tv had the lion king on this afternoon and what's this?... beauty and the beast is on... it's been years since i watched it... killed by tv edits to fit the time slot, no doubt, but maybe i'll listen to the soundtrack a bit... and reminisce about belle who was the adopted child for a while back in the 90's when shared these films (and many others... belle was, among many other things, my last movie partner... if you are out there, i miss you) were disney's renaissance and i was retired with a house in the country and... sigh... so many different lifetimes in this lifetime, and while i loved every one, no one actually shared any of them with me... my role has always been, even when relationships became sexually intimate, more of a big brother or parent in the end... it is my nature, what makes me happy, caring for others... and everybody needs someone to care for them...

yeah, and so it goes...

more sleep later

so overtired... but ncaa tournaments are on and my intention this weekend was to relax and enjoy my party watching the ncaa... the best laid plans... but when a child is hurting, ya know?... i don't regret my choices or being who i am, i do wish i knew someone who was like me enough to be compatible in a shared life though... i suppose my personality scares or pushes people away... whatever it is, it's lonely again... i feel like i didn't get to party and pamper myself like i intended this weekend... and while it takes a lot to earn my trust and respect and i do not like a public fuss being made over me, nobody pampers me and it's been a long time since anybody has... i feel drained... all the evergy and caring going out, so little coming from others beyond hit and run kind of taken for granted caring... see, i do need more sleep, the wah wah birds are singing their pathetic songs lam...

ncaa tournament time :}

so overtired

watched torchwood as i nodded off... it's a beautiful day and the power of words smiled me to sleep... and some sleep is a good thing...

let's not get all easter sunday now

we have a good person living a few buildings over... a couple, the guy driving out of the community finds jackson's laptop on the ground in the middle of the road... he brings it home and they turn it on and look in the bag and find a bill jackson just got for the rent and apartment (her name is on the bill, not mine, which is strange as i've paid the rent and all expenses since we've been here - what are the odds)... if not for that, we might not have gotten it back or it might have gotten quite awkward and confusing for her work... but timing (the end of the month and rent due... i'll talk to the office and let them know i need a bill in my name) and illogical office choices were working in her favor... and so they came over a couple of times with the laptop and we were not home (jackson was at sanford's the first night and out of town last night... luckilly i am here)...

so the nice neighbors gave me the laptop and work documents... and i let jackson know... much relief... she will likely spend the night at sanford's and come back here tomorrow night... hopefully we've learned from this... and now, i really need some sleep as i was up all night and morning waiting for the text about the laptop and i might get quite grumpy if i stay up any longer :}

nite nite...

slow computer

well, the browser, some web page scripts, and the virus program have locked up the browser again so i am here recording the interruption of my browsing and communicating with people and reading what others think and distracting myself from the note that i almost forgot about as i lost myself in reading and writing and downloading photos and so on... almost... sheesh, this has been a long few hours... can i close all the browser windows on hold with computer information?... can i pack up the troubles in our old kit bag and smile smile smile?... oh person who left the note inspiring hope, please be real...

meanwhile, time for breakfast... or dinner... or whatever it's called, a wonderful pile of snacks shall be consumed... and some orange crush too... cuz it's a party, all weekend...

insanity is not always a bad thing

so i get home from the party and i find a note on our doorstep... the note says "jackson, i believe we found something that belongs to you. please call me..." and a number... omg... omfg... omfig (that's oh my fucking insane gosh, in case you wondered)... please don't be some sort of horrible trick, some horrible attempt to lure a poor frantic girl into a vulnerable situation... please be a real good samaritan who has the laptop jackson lost... please let this be a wonderful gift of humanity that my dear precious naive roommate still believes is possible and this cynical old fart (that'd be me) has come to doubt... so i texted the number apologizing for the hour but explaining i hope the text does not wake them and they will find it in the morning and know they can call anytime that no hour is too early... omfig... how am i supposed to sleep not knowing if this is a good samaritan or a charlatan?... i can't wake jackson, she'd freak out until morning (why should two of us have to go through this... yeah, me holding the bag again... alone... but if this bag, so to speak, contains a laptop and important work documents, omfig, what a roller coaster life could be once again)... omfibg (yeah, oh my fucking insanely bipolar gosh, of course)...

ok, so reverse looking up the phone number tells me it belongs to someone who lives quite a distance from here and is not the name on the note, but reverse look-ups can be so wrong, so don't assume the worst... looking up my number comes up with a completely different name and address than my own and i've had this number for what?... maybe 15 years?... that's reassuring... not... so ok, i have developed a very cautious, even suspicious nature... it's been a very long time since any human showed me what could be this kind of honesty and compassion... so many things have been stolen from me by people i trusted to watch over them, no less simply stolen by strangers invading my space and/or betraying my trust... so how the heck am i supposed to sleep now (and i was nodding off twelve hours ago, dangit)... believe in people believe in people believe in people... repeat until morning...

shhhh, it's gonna be a long 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 or 7 or more hours... breathe...

i so hope they are early risers :)

fun and games

not the usual card party group, this group likes other games... so while everyone ate, i rested (so could have used a good long nap)... i was not hungry, in fact, i was stuffed... the party i threw for myself last night and all day produced gas and bloating... that actually was a good thing cuz it kept me away from the taco bell and myriad of other foods and desserts they had there... after they all were good and stuffed (like me), we played a movie trivia game with buzzers the timed answers and kept score on the video screen... i was slow, brain farting even more than the body wanted to (tmi?) and came in 4th out of 8 players... we played a briefer lightening round with the four winners and i won that cuz, well, i can be a competitive sob sometimes... i don't know nearly as much movie trivia from the last fifteen years, alas... i used to go to movies so regularly up until the early to mid-nineties... sigh and all, 'tis a shame rahlly it is...

then we played say anything where we made up the questions as we went along and it was fun... there were about a dozen of us in all, small group for a double birthday party, but it was kind of thrown together at the last minute yesterday so, fun for whomever could make it...

then some people left and those remaining played a card game called asshole... if you know the game, you know it's not a good thing to be the asshole... i somehow managed to stay out of that seat even though i had some horrible cards... i came in second without ever being president and only once being vice president (four cards were dealt that hand by mischief maker harpo and i had to give away a higher card to receive a lower card... that's not supposed to happen to the president or vice president... so next time we change those rules so the spirit and purpose of the game is not undermined)... we were burning out by the end and it was time to head home...

fun night, hope you found something fun to do too :)

mini-party dinner

i am running late for the party that is starting in 20 minutes and still need to shower so i'll just mention that the seafood cheese spread and the onion dip with kettle fried applewood potato chips along with pistachio nuts and sara lee golden fudge cakes and entenmann's chocolate chip cookies and chocolate milk with extra fox's ubet chocolate and vanilla syrup made for a delicious dinner... the ncaa tournament smiled as the first of my final four picks, syracuse, made it in as expected... ohio state should be next and hopefully i'll catch some of the game at harpo's... but for now, i must hop into the shower so i can get to the party a half hour late or so...

make your night as fun as you can :)

well, sorta party

i got caught up in computer shopping and time zipped by and i forgot to party... well, jackson's going to need a new computer for work as she does all of her work on computer connected to a server at the office cuz she has a job that services people in their homes and schools and she's on the road a lot (she's a therapist) so she needs a computer monday morning or she's gonna be late with paperwork and without paperwork turned in on time, she is not doing her job (if it's not documented it didn't happen)... so i found several possibilities from $50 laptops on craig's list to a $600 refurbished i7 laptop (very good price if i want to crack more savings out)... i am torn between buying myself a new computer and giving her this one (with it's windows vista issues) or being fiscally prudent and just buying the cheapest machine possible that will server her purpose... she needs the weekend away from this crisis, so i guess she'll use my laptop come monday morning... i do have an apple g2 in my closet, but not sure if it'll work with any of the monitors i have... could try to hook it up and see if it functions tomorrow... haven't hooked it up in five years or more... alas, my love of helping and rescuing people once again betrays my self=preservation instincts... hush, i survived the streets, will survive somehow again...

feel free to send winning lottery numbers... or if you must, cash...

lol... narf :)

and no luck

we drove all around and halfway to sanford's and nothing was spotted... it is possible we missed it as we were driving 60mph on the interstate, but there was no obvious black objects along the way... i would drive the path again all the way to sanford's but my car is not in shape for cruising around (it'll overheat)... the odds that the laptop sat on the roof of her car all the way from here to sanford's is minimal, but stranger things have happened... she's devastated but better than last night... and now, she's off the spend easter with her family in jacksonville and i am gonna party with the ncca tournament this afternoon until the party at harpo's tonight (harpo lets all of our friends throw parties at his house cuz he loves to make people happy, so another friend is making a birthday party for two or three other friends who's birthdays are this week)...

gonna enjoy - cuz that's the best i can do :)

oddly late in the day

there was a knock on the door and i was all excited cuz i was hoping to be awakened by a knock on the door and i ran to the door and it was jackson... jackson came back here to search in daylight... i wondered why she waited until noon, but didn't mention it... searching at sunrise would have been a good idea... i am stuck with my broken car so i can't search far, just on foot around the community and nothing was out there close... so the laptop was either picked up by someone or it is buried in a bag or somewhere at sanford's place or somewhere here, but jackson is pretty sure she left it on the roof of her car when she was packing to stay at sanford's again... all the back and forth living finally caused a loss and it had to be the most serious material item she could have lost, figures (murphy's law)...

so out we go for more searching...

groggy morning

not sleeping all night does that... jackson didn't call so hopefully she slept through the night... i watched something on tv, dr. who... the new companion is seriously adorable in a very british way, which reminds me of the actress from primevil and the actress from les miserables, but leave us not be distracted by libido or dreams of love and romance and the like... way overtired, gonna lay down on the couch watching the doctor and hope there is a knock on the door or a call on the phone about the computer... doubtful, but maybe somebody out there wants to restore some faith in human nature as i have nearly none left... i say somebody is either trying to get past a windows 7 password or somebody is trying to sell a laptop saying they forgot the password or some such story... there's always hope, aye?...

nite nite :}

what ncaa tournament?

ah, life got in the way tonight, but catching up with the recaps i see i have all four of my final four picks still in it and five of the elite eight... my final four is ohio state, louisville, michigan, and syracuse... duke might upset louisville (duke was the fifth of my elite eight picks to make it through), florida could upset michigan because they always seem to dominate the big ten when games are played in the south (i had georgetown in that spot, go figure)... and syracuse could play poorly and marquette could play well and continue to get lucky (i had miami there, but injuries got them), but syracuse should beat them and ohio state should beat wichita state (who upset my pick, wisconsin)... but i'll stick with my original final four picks as my game-time picks...

had to reboot the brighthouse crap hd cable box again as it was locking up as i was trying to switch channels and keep up with the different shows i watch and catch up on sports... the deteriorating quality of product from just about ever u.s. company is pathetic... but then, just look at the money spent on tony romo... you don't have to win the big games (or when it counts) to get the big bucks... as usual, consumers get ripped off... ain't that america for you and me?... the corporation rules...

anywhere better?...

party anyway

meanwhile, party.. cantaloupe and pineapple for starters... stuffed clams and cole slaw and macaroni salad and friend fried onions and applewood smoked kettle potato chips and chocolate milk (with fox's ubet chocolate and vanilla added)... and onion dip and chips... and sara lee golden fudge cakes... there's so much more for tomorrow... all of the above and lean ground beef and pork for meatballs or for meatloaf probably loaf as it takes less time to make)... onion rolls... carnegie deli pastrami... seafood cheese spread... pistachio nuts... entemann's chocolate chip cookies... deviled eggs... yo-yo creme filled cookie... chocolate trinity ice cream... three different sodas (code red, orange crush, dr pepper cherry)...

there's plenty for you if you want to come over :)

not quite as planned

just when i was all set to spend a fun self-indulgent weekend home, i get invited to a party tomorrow night... at the time i was shopping for my own weekend party at the supermarket... that was about four hours ago... i'll catch up with then after this... as i am carrying the first half of the packages from the car to the fridge, the phone rings... it's jackson... she almost never calls, always texts... i put down the bags and called her back and she's missing her laptop... she thinks she might have left if on the roof of her car or next to her car when she loaded her card for her weekend away and was having too much fun for either of them (she said sanford was with her they had the music on when i asked if they heard anything fall off the roof) to have noticed... this is not good, it's how she works... she was freaking out...

i found the big flashlight and searched under all the cars in the parking lot (ouch, i needed to get my softball gear off and rest the arm, but this was important)... no laptop... i searched the apartment... no laptop... i walked the parking lot and drive to the front gate and no laptop... she drove back and did the same searches... she really freaked, anxiety attack, hyperventilate, puke, rage, and we worked on calming... then we drove the route she drove to the highway in case the laptop was left on the roof of the car and fell off somewhere along the way... nothing... then we left notes on most of the cars in the parking lot and on the apartment doors around where she parked with our telephone numbers and a plea for the laptop in case someone picked it up... then she drove back to sanford's shaky and is heading to out of town to her family in the morning... she promised to keep in touch... hopefully one of the neighbors found the laptop sitting on the ground and will give it to the office or to me tomorrow...

huge learning lesson, i hope she makes the most of it... and now, i take off the ankle brace, the softball wrappings and clothes, re-hydrate big time, and start my dinner and party... this could be a tough week ahead if some good samaritan neighbor doesn't come through tomorrow... and rent is due again... so party now, fool...

narf :}

not so much

well, not enough players showed up for the first game, so the co-ed team forfeited... and we scrimmaged and the rules changed again in favor of the other team... we had already forfeited so the score wouldn't have mattered anyway, but it's been this way every season and the manipulation of the rules by the league and other teams is really annoying... our coach always follows the rules, then they change then and the other team benefits, and we get screwed... tonight we lost the scrimmage 4-1 but at least a few runs were simply due to cheating... the fact that it is a church league makes it even more frustrating...

meanwhile, the second game was almost as frustrating as we had only 9 players show up and the three outfielders could not cover enough ground against a good hitting team who could put the ball wherever they wanted to hit it... and out hitters were not hitting, so we lost big... at least we didn't lose due to rule manipulations though... i did ok, could have done better... got caught trying to steal (i should know better, but the guy behind me was already running to second so i had to continue second to third) and batting 9th, i lead off the second with a single and grounded out in the fifth, went 1 for 2...

on the way home i stopped for food shopping at the supermarket (cuz i'm gonna party this weekend) and the phone rang and now there's a party at a friend's tomorrow night... so much for my solitary smash... i bought all the fixin' for a beautiful pig-out party anyway... starting tonight...

you? :)

off to softball again

luckily i set my alarm and so, woke in time for a hot shower and a walk with happiness and time to feed him and to dress me and now, to head out the door to the batting cages and then, two games... still sleepy, but the sleep felt good... maybe i'll stop on the way home for food and snacks and party stuff and even, a big special dinner for me (cuz why should all the religious people get all the food, right?)... gonna have fun my way :)

first, softball... what's your fun? :)

on my own this weekend

jackson just let me know she was not playing ball tonight but going to church with sanford and family instead and then heading out of town to her family tomorrow morning... i forgot it was a holiday weekend and it's been a while since she visited her family (she used to go up at least monthly before her job took over her life)... so i am on my own for the ncaa tournament and life this weekend... most everybody else probably has holiday stuff to do... i don't like holiday stuff much... too pretentious and made up for my sensibilities, if that pretentious statement clarifies anything lol lam sigh :)

softball tonight, two games, but none sunday... getting sleepy...

zzzzzzzzzzzzz...

broken sleep

the arm is getting better, but these cold nights and days make for pain no matter how i seem to position the arm... only sitting in the recliner or propped up on the couch seems to work to keep the pain at bay... laying in bed there seems to be no comfortable position... it doesn't help that the bedroom is 5-10 degrees colder than the rest of the house... poorly insulated drafty windows lets the 40 degree night air in and no direct sunlight keeps the room chilled... should work great in the summer, but this has been one of the coldest winters i can remember... of course, timing is everything... so i slept but woke every hour or so due to the arm, went to the bathroom, drank a little water, then returned to bed... the moving around helps relive the acute pain that wakes me... definitely have felt more rested... nose is all clogged too as sinuses react to the chill in the body... even with sweats on... phone says it is 70 degrees outside,... thermostat says it's 69 degrees in the living room... don't have a portable thermometer but bedroom feel about 60... arm hurts a whole lot less when i am not laying down and keeping it still... seems the injury has opened the door for more lingering or even permanent inflammation (always knew this was coming eventually due to the extensive (sometimes painful) writing i've done, especially during my early years)... someday when i have a job and health insurance again i'll get it all checked out... if i am still alive then :)

oh come on, it's only life with constant nagging occasionally debilitating pain :)

obnoxious, aren't i? (smirking all the way :)

love the nights

love the dark, the quiet, the stillness, the nights... love it so much it excites me, invites me, ignites me, inspires me, re-wires me, desires me... there are no human games, no dramas no shames, no guilts no blames, no stress, just the peace of the night... and in the night, the loneliness is real, not like in the day time when we all pretend we share, pretend we care... in the night, the sharing is because we feel like sharing because we are caring... hoping for epic love... alas, there is usury in the night too... but at least in the night there is not obligation to do anything... just the choice, the freedom, in the dark, quiet, stillness of the nights...

sleep?... well, what can i say... i just don't feel like sleeping alone lately...

cuz i love the nights :)

settled for soup

cream of mushroom and vegetarian vegetable... stuffed to the brim and then some... sweating to the soups... trying to cope with the ridiculous volume discrepancies of late night television (commercials scream at twice the volume of shows, you know)... the tinnitus doesn't help and it's constantly on, though fluctuating from a windy whistle to a whaling siren to a piercing scream... and after the tournament, i am relaxing with stargate movies... i intend to fall asleep earlier than previous nights though the neck has been aching for a while...

wondering why i continue writing this detailed record of the minutia of this life i experience is almost a mute point after all this time. but the answer remains... to share... because sharing is a habit, a skill, and like any habit or skill it can be forgotten, lost, and as long as i have a choice i will not let that happen to me... even if i forget how to share in every other way of sharing, i can still share as much of everything as possible in words... so all i need is another who can, or another who has the patience and understanding that i must re-learn how to share this level if intimacy and depth and detail and sensitivity on levels other than the written word... it is possible if you want it... were we expecting perfection?... certainly hope not :)

someday we'll all understand...

craving chocolate

yeah, watching the ncaa tournament, craving chocolate... so far i am one for two (cuz miami injuries took them out of the tournament) and the second two games are going as planned by my picks... marquette shouldn't even be in the tournament anymore as davidson had them beat, but davidson gave the game away with a little help from bad calls from the refs... and they got lucky with miami injuries... they are not bad and they could have a good game and beat syracuse or indiana, but they are lucky to be where they are)... though indiana could come back, i went with syracuse as my final 4 team (though a healthy miami would have been a great game) so tonight they need to make it into the elite eight... and for the by the game pick i went with wichita, so i should end up three for four for tonight in game picks, but two for four in my original bracket...

chocolate :)

2 hours of tech talk

on the phone with att tech for two hours... and to be fair, it was support for free email... i used to pay for the email addresses when i had att as an internet service provider for many years but then i moved into a place that was not providing att internet service because they had a contract with a specific provider for phones, internet, and cable that i never heard of before so i went without cable for that year and had att wireless internet for $70 a month and finally moved over to cable internet when i moved from there... anyway, the att mail servers suddenly changed and nobody mention it (maybe their way of reducing free email accounts)... the new servers are a whole lot slower than the old ones... so many unnecessary reasons to complicate things...

back to the ncaa tournament now... i expected miami to lose without their center, but unfortunately i had picked them in my original bracket so it counts against my bracket... game by game i had marquette to win tonight and they did... ohio state is not doing as well as i though they would... they do not seem to know how to put a team away, but they seem to win when they have to... they were and are still my pick for the final four from the midwest...

jackson got home while was on the phone... at pizza and is on the phone now, but she intends to do some paperwork in the living room while listening to the tournament... she though the broadway pizza sucked too... i am in a chocolate mood... maybe later...

ready for more (march madness)

anybody fill out a bracket out there?... ncaa basketball, that is... march madness... so far i've got 81.25% correct from my original picks and 89.58% correct when including picks for the teams remaining game by game... not the best i've done, but ok... when picking game by game, round by round, i decided to go for two of the three underdogs in the west (wichita state over gonzaga and la salle over ole miss) after reviewing their records and performances... i also picked florida gulf coast over san diego state (and am still debating picking them to go further, which would be a serious surprise, but they did beat #2 seed miami earlier this year)... so i still have a shot for 6 out of 8 in the elite 8 and 4 out of 4 in the final four... and today it begins again...

you making your day fun? :)

lunch, ncis, rest, play

i keep hearing would you like to swing on a star in my head... the pizza and sandwich were not better, but then, why should reheated bread that was semi-burnt be any better, right?... remind me not to order pizza or subs from broadway again... they have a nice menu, but they burn the bread and the tomoato sauce is too fresco... remember... i am going to stay awake today... maybe... resting the body... and playing with happiness, of course... poor baby seems starved for attention...

what are you up to? :)

just the ear now

the ringing, i mean... the extreme ringing faded along with the neck pain and headache... the arm is continuing to do a little better every day... did i mention i threw the ball overhand during the game last night?... short distance from the mound to third base after snagging a line drive at my feet... third baseman got the ball to second and the triple play was complete... there was bases loaded and nobody out... game turned in our favor after that... anyway, the arm hurt, but i was able to pitch well the last innings so healing continues...

the right arch is sore... earlier in the game i blocked a ball with my foot, trying to use the bottom but is was a very hard hit ball and caught my arch... i did direct the ball to first base which held the runners... the ball was hit hard enough for the umpire stopped the game and walked out to ask if i was ok... i just said yes and kept on pitching... tough inning, walked at least one, but settled down and ran the bases in later innings... soreness today was expected... i should be ok for the two games tomorrow... play through the pain, ya know?...

pizza and half a sub for lunch... maybe it'll be better today :)

slept a bit

half sitting up on the couch... a little better... ncis will distract me... still chilled... was around 40 degrees last night... 4-5 degrees celsius... isn't it nice that i continue to remember my dear friends living in the metric-celsius world?... yeah, so why aren't you here stroking my forehead and telling me everything will be alright?... i mean, if you can't make it, at least you could send mila kunis...

distract me already :}

fatigue and neck pain

the neck pain is not letting me sleep... it's a combination of the chilled temperature and fatigue... too tired to do the hot shower thing... too tired to exercise... too tired to get my mind right and do it (exercise or hot shower) anyway... moved to the couch, still not finding relief... but the tv has interesting stuff on the science channel which is helping... maybe that is what is keeping me away... that being my addiction to learning... sometimes my brain is my worst enemy... other times it's loneliness... and i blame fatigue and neck pain, huh?... do you want to know a secret?... do you promise not to tell?... closer...

narf :)

another reminder (pizza)

and alas, i gave in and picked up an eggplant parm sub and pizza from this place and the flaws are consistent on this side of town too... the sub seems cooked separately, eggplant too greasy, not enough sauce or cheese, bread too toasted... and i remember that i don't like the tomato sauce, not cooked enough, too fresco... the pizza crust is always too well done... they don't clean or powder their pizza oven and the burnt crust taste is consistent in both locations... the oven base is too hot so the cheese doesn't melt right unless they leave the pizza in too long... especially if extra cheese is ordered... alas, so far good pizza and italian food is definitely missed in this area...

i am still stuffed :)

home and hungry

kinda in a pizza mood, but the places in the area that i like (and so far none have reached the like level of the top three or four on the east side of town, but driving an hour or more for pizza makes no sense unless we eat it there) around here are all closed and the primary late night place (it's a bar and italian restaurant open to 2am every night and 4am on weekends), broadway has it's flaws on the east side of town, but i am inching toward ordering from them...

good game, especially because we came back to win it... i walked a few which does not sit well with me, but i went 3 for 3 hitting and knocked in 4 rbi and scored once... they bat me next to last in the order (as with other teams, it's pretty consistent that speed and power counts more than batting average in softball) and the batter behind me and lead off batter were not hitting until the last inning so i was stranded on base the first two times... good to win (first win for this team this season) and feels good to hit well...

yeah, pizza...

sleeping on and off

it's off to softball in a moment, another 40 degree wednesday evening, just what the doctor did not order... it was not the right week to try to sleep my nocturnal schedule... besides happiness, several people seemed to reach out for various reasons when ordinarily i get no calls during the day... kohls wants me for some reason... the auto-payments i set up probably glitched... two softball team captains needed information... a friend cancelled plans for a movie... precious was not feeling well... and i was trying to sleep with the phone in the other room... sometimes it woke me, but i didn't get up... sometimes it didn't, but something else did... anyway, if i feel sleepy tonight i'll just go to sleep... the brilliant creativity and other genius stuff that could save the world will just have to wait until i have a guardian angel to protect me from the big bad daytime world...

so how was your day? :)

two mes

recording what i know, but what others do not see, i reflect for a moment on the other side of me... inside, that is... there is the me that lives on the outside... a bouncing blob of baby boy eager to please but also begging for attention and often whining and complaining when it does not come... and there is the peaceful being security napping inside that no one sees... no wonder we don't get what we want, aye?...

i miss me...

email errors continue

this time it's an unknown error 0x800004005 and it's not listed on the att website and they say go to the microsoft website and it's not listed there either... a lot of the 21,625 emails downloaded, but not all of them so none were marked as downloaded so there are still 21,625+ emails waiting for download on this one account alone and that's such a waste of time, bandwidth, and computer power... i will call att dial-up one of these days, but fatigue says sleep since i was up all night again... happiness has his schedule and he insists on keeping to it, so he woke around 6am and expected to go out... and so we go... and the brisk morning chill wakes me once again...

gues it's time breakfast :)

better every day

the arm, i mean... in spite of the crankiness and loneliness and kvetching and the aching that the cold brings... the arm is getting a little better every day... shades of the pink panther syndrome inspires laughter even as the body ages and aches more... even as nobody cares (i don't mean you, i mean around me in the immediate physical world)... we are all so busy with life, working ourselves to death, who has time to really spend the time with someone to know them and actively care, after all... sad, but that's the culture...

and then there's the car... bummer... cheap american rubber and plastic... it is a shame that this country that once lead the world in reliable products not produces such crap... cutting corners to create planned obsolescence and leave average the consumer constantly trying to catch up with new bills and with no option but to live in relative poverty (very relative compared to 90% of the world) or live off the map entirely...

is it time to come out of the shoebox and address the me inside?...

and then email glitches

ok, so i checked email and found ATT email was not working, again... i check all my settings, nothing changed... i re-created new accounts using the correct settings, nothing... i checked online and found that the incoming and outgoing mail server addresses were different, but that was information for existing and new att internet customers and i am not an att internet customer (just paying $250 a month for phone service) and my old att internet account email addresses were grandfathered in some five years ago when att did away with their worldnet service and combined with yahoo mail which screwed up my yahoo and att accounts because i had different accounts and they could not combine them so i was locked out of my yahoo account and all years of the games (fantasy sports, for one) and stuff i did there since the 90's for a couple of years until i found a fix... so like they did when they deleted my att website, ten years worth of web writings, blogs, rhymes, graphics, and other work, they changed something and locked me out of my mail...

so i went only and chatted with a tech who could not help me because my old emails are not considered free att email accounts and they are serviced by the dial-up department which is not open now... so i tried the different inbound and outbound mail server addresses and got lucky, one worked... nice of att to send a notice that they were shutting down their other mail server that i've been using for almost fifteen years...

after all that, i decided to finally connect to my other att email accounts... i only use two of the five primarily because the primary account was spammed way too much after the worldnet shut down and they went "free email" in 2008... free bullshit, they gave my private email that i paid for as a loyal customer for over ten years to whomever and suddenly spam was flooding that private email address... connecting now, hoping that ended... and i am currently downloaded 21,625 emails from that one address... 553 megabytes of email... most are being automatically sorted into the junk mail folder... the att server is horribly slow, dial-up slow, so this could easily take hours...

meanwhile, as you may have noticed, i did not get back to sleep...

wakey achy

it would have been sweet to just zombie from the recliner to bed and sleep through the night, but i woke and walked happiness instead because he had not been out since dinner about 6-7 hours ago and i did not want him feeling ill or having an accident or worse... he is getting old, after all... but night walks with him are an adventure when jackson isn't home and i am not in sleep-mode now... he pulled off the leash and refused to come inside, almost got hit by a car again... he expects her to drive up and come home and go to bed with him and runs toward any car that drives up... so he stands in the middle of street and watching a car drive up to him while i am trying not to get hit as i wave the car down in the dark (very dark, little or no street lights)... i am going to have to ask jackson for his other leash because this one does not stay snug and i don't want the old dog dying while he is in my care... sudden yanks on the arm do not help either... so that, the walk, and the cold has me aching and awake... adrenaline... what now... grump grump... dang pain in the neck... i mean actual pain, not happiness :}

stress, fatigue, cold, a lethal combination... how shower then lay down?...

go to bed?

well, i napped well in the recliner and would head to bed, but i think i should wake happiness cuz he needs to go out cuz he has not been out since dinner time and that was a few hours ago and if i go to bed and actually sleep it could be another eight or ten hours and... timing, not mine, his... he seems to be sleeping deeply cuz the lights didn't wake him... i could just lay back here and nap some more... already missed half of ncis so leave the universe on and let science (or quasi-science) seep in as i nap... yeah...

zzzzzzzzzzz....

cold feet and hungry

the arm (and ankle) hurt too much to clean out the car (you'd think it's a simple task, but it really requires stable ankles and two arms that can fully extend and support body weight to stretch under car seats and into the corners to clean a car... alas, the same reason i have not unpacked the boxes since the move and i've got no one close enough to ask to help... jackson offered a couple of times, but forgets she did i guess... work and sanford are her life these days, and i do not want any of my other friends to clean stinky places when i am not ready to myself... give the choice to count on someone or expect anyone to pay attention enough to help me or offer help without my asking and simply not counting/expecting anything- i am much happier not counting on anyone these days...

obviously overtired, too... dinner?... something hot... pasta... comfort food... yup...

it does not help that i am sitting by the open patio door and the chilled breeze is hurting my feet... happiness deserves some air and i left mmy slippers by the door cuz they were dirty after walking happiness and they refuse to float over here by themselves and happiness is not much of a fetching dog and i am bundled up warming up so... lack of sleep and broken sleep when nobody cuddly is around to play with is no fun...

narf :}

ok, i give up

sleeping, that is... the phone rang a few times and it got really cold and i covered myself with clothes and towels cuz i did not want to wake up enough to find and put on warm clothes and so i am aching, arm and ankle... it dropped into the 40s last night and don't think it reached 60 today, so clothing would be wise... i have a few calls to return i guess... one message was left... when i wake up a bit more i will see about returning the calls... for now, happiness is begging hard to go out so i'll find long pants and a jacket and limp about for a bit... cranky more than grumpy, good on the inside, just cold, tired, lonely, and achy...

would you like to swing on a star? :)

waking me

something woke me... happiness or the phone or something... it's daytime, after all, the world can be a very noisy place... and far be it for me to choose to stay up all last night enjoying myself and intending to sleep all day today... alas, there is no one to act as buffer between me and the world anymore... and i've got many scars to show for it... i so do not fit into this world for so many reasons, being nocturnal is just the tip of the reasons... whatever, let's see about getting back to sleep...

nite nite :)

facebook and browsing

spent the last four or so hours wandering the web and catching up on the facebook wall... the stream seems so random sometimes as i see a lot of my facebook friends there but don't see other facebook friends there... maybe some block their stuff or maybe it's some other reason, but it doesn't make sense to me... seems if the feed is my feed based on my friends and pages i like and such, it should show all my friends posts...

anyway, i wandered in and wandered out and nobody i know offline noticed, as usual... left a half dozen comments and a few likes were attached by facebook friends i've never met, but who appear to share similar world views in some areas... the internet is a strange world, after all...

life at 4am

even as i update alone (and the blogger gadgets on the sidebar have some sort of problem either with firefox or somewhere else cuz they won't update, the stupid techno failures, like microsoft vista, for instance) and i am ready for a change (can i go home now?), there are two episodes of eureka on the tv that is just right right distraction from the seriousness (and futile drama) of this experience we call life (at least among the humans)... while eureka does still contain a fair share of the forced drama (failing to bring closure to those storylines was it's primary failure as the series was cuz short way too soon, one more reason forced drama is a waste of time and detriment to creativity and success, which network executives and most writers still don't understand), it is one of the few shows that actually reached beyond the typical limits of imagination in which most stories hide... maybe that's why i like stephen king so much (maybe?)... he does what douglas adams did, except stephen does it on multiple levels in multiple directions (sometimes all at once)...

alas, nothing last forever and the eureka episodes are over... perhaps sleep would be wise, but the brain is more wired than tired so i made some crystal light because i did not feel like water and it's the only flavored drink in the house and it's also low in calories and uses stevia as a sweetener and i choose to believe stevia, the plant, is more natural and a better risk than any other chemicals for sweetening, even natural sugars... i wish pepsi would make mountain dew code red with stevia... better i simply stop drinking all sugared drinks, i know... anyway, i added emergen-c to give it some small semblance of nutritional value...

so now the tv has so little on (so many infomercials... and i have seen the nasa mission to mars and the st:ng shows on and that 70's show isn't appealing at the moment) that i am listening to someone's interpretation of the history of the jfk presidency, specifically the cuba-ussr crisis, even more specifically, how a specific plane, the vfp-62 or rf-8 crusader, was used... tv stations too often forget their audience the arrogance of people in power and the superpowers still amazes me... but then, the u.s. is still warring on those we call native americans (only 5% of whom can afford to pay for a college degree), so why should anything surprise me...

ah, life at 4am is when seek the escapes of creativity in audio, video, the written word, or anywhere that inspires thought and amusement so i laugh can at the drama i create trying to be part of humanity, trying to trust humans, trying to belong... but at 4am i recall that humanity suffers from collective insanity that includes the delusion that they don't... and i can return home to peace and clarity of being in my mind...

don't even need a towel

left alone to my own devices, i come into my own peaceful space as the night flows... i choose, however, to not be left alone to my own devices because i want to share and care (actively) and i don't want to just love on the outside of the human race... humans complicate things so much (which can be fun if they trusted, but they don't trust much)... worse is that human avoid peace and the truth of this physical world so much that they avoid me and where i am from, a peaceful real place... humans are so into guilt and blame and pointing fingers at each other and that is so unreal to me, it's ridiculous and it is not always easy to take the forced drama humans seem addicted to seriously (even the science fiction does not imagine much beyond the human drama, as if that was all there could be in this infinite universe)... i spent a lifetime trying to learn how to do it, how to believe it is real and that so altered (and depressed and diminished) my journey in so many ways, but i learned, empirically, it does not make sense and there is no doubt left in trusting my own senses (even though there was none at first and i created some along the way and i gave this life, so far, to the human race, the illusion humans create...

i am ready for a change :)

relaxing home

fun playing words with friends with jackson and cuz i like playing it close (she's never beaten me and i feel bad, so i leave openings and keep the score close and giving her chances to find more points near the end, but not to just let her win i always try to find the way out to win) , she finally got me cuz i got stuck with two u letters as my last two letters and i could only get rid of one and we were tied so instead of taking her points and winning, i passed twice and she won... yay for jackson, dumb u lol... then she went to bed after starting another words with friends game... this one i shall play without mercy and see how different the score is at the end (she is getting a lot better :)

and then there was the usf-cal game... unfortunately, she missed the end, but it was fun... cal gave the game away in the last minute and let usf force overtime, but then in the first minute of overtime the referee intervened and called a ridiculous foul that was clearly not a foul (the announcers had the guts to say so, which is rare) removing the usf center (fouling out on a bogus foul is the worst king of referee bias) giving cal a huge advantage (and two points as the foul shots were made and it would have been usf ball) and cal won by three points... it is sad that so many of the tournament games were influenced by very bad biased calls during the last minute of games... calls that could and should be reviewable because within thirty seconds the video showed us how bad the call was...

dinner was yummy... we shared cream of mushroom soup and then i had my leftovers from yesterday's fast food pig-out and she had whole wheat pasta with sung-dried tomato sauce... and then the games and then she went to bed and now, syfy monday for me... so what's up with you out there tonight? (i'll just keep asking cuz that's what i do :)

dinner and ncaa women

that's the plan... jackson woke me to let me know she was on her way home and when she gets here we'll eat dinner and watch the ncaa woman's basketball tournament... happiness was happy i woke cuz he got to go out again and i was happy i got to nap cuz it was a sweet nap (as afternoon naps so often are)... the sports on tv are not so great so far today as the early rounds of the women's tournament hold very few surprises... but there's lots to choose from so we'll spend a couple of hours playing words with friends...

so what's for dinner? :)

afternoon delineated

not quite delights, so the other word came to mind and i will read nothing into it unless something comes to mind and nothing does at the moment... it was a more interesting afternoon than i remember it... and then i curled up on the couch and fell asleep... definitely not getting enough straight through sleep... finished at harpo's and came back here and did this and that, some cleaning of the sar because it is soggy in there and definitely starting to smell like mildew but it's florida so how to dry anything outdoors in this humidity... leaving the windows open lets in the humidity and anybody who might want to take the car... and the carpet in a car, well, it's kind of not removable without destruction, especially when wet... got a challenge...

i'll work on figuring out cleaning the car more tomorrow... for now, nap sweet nap :)

ring ring

that's the phone reminding me i have a task to do with harpo at 1pm at his house so get up, get out, carry out the plan... actually harpo called two hours ago or so to remind me, but i fell back to sleep sort of... being nocturnal definitely does not help a body get enough sleep when still trying to stay in touch and do things with the normal world... not that harpo is normal, but that's beside the point... anyway, heading out to help harpo with a project and then, home to enjoy this life of leisure yet another day...

i wonder if my semi-retirement bugs those who have to work every day... alas, it won't last forever (unless i win the lottery that i almost never play or i am adopted by a rich person who wants me to retire because they love me and retiring is something old people do... hey, i'll let someone call me old if it means they will pay for my retirement, ya know?... ah, laughter out the door now :)

make today a day full of laughter :)

get a life

what?... suck it up... get a life can be such an innocuously cruel statement, i mean, is it at all helpful?... it's like saying just get up and walk to a paraplegic, almost... like if you want to help, suggest how, suggest activities, cuz get a life is practically saying get the fuck out of here... but some people would rather be cruel than helpful... you really care and want someone to get a life then show you care by helping them get a life... take them by the hand and engage them in a fun and/or meaningful activity... if they refuse, you've at least tried something real instead of a brush-off platitude...

of course when it comes to self-talk, do whatever works... and that's the flip side actual personal point to this entry... cut the crap whining and complaining, suck it up and change your life if your life isn't pleasing you, if your life is frustrating or disappointing or unpleasant... change what you can change (which is usually a whole lot more than you think)... maybe it's time for me to move on from this town since nobody around here is filling the void and the one closest is drifting away (and draining me big time)... got a lease through the end of next january though, so the immediate self-talk is suck it up and change what can be changed... if the friends you've got don't understand you, don't really communicate with you, say things and then don't follow through on what they say, don't really care about you, or just keep their distance and don't really care to spend time with you or know what's going on inside of you or help you when you can use some help, find new friends, new playmates, new activity partners...

but don't just say get a life, m'ok?...

snarf :)

lonely nights

there's a beegees song called lonely days and if you don't know it, well, that does not mean you have entered (or belong in) the twilight zone nor does it mean i can tell you what every episode is about based on the first visual scene or in some cases, the first ten seconds, but it is the lonely nights that are deeper and more profoundly discombobulating than the days could ever be... even though wandering around in crowds of people interacting over and over and never really knowing anyone or sharing anything beneath the surface can be maddening, the abject silent darkness of the lonely nights is quite amazingly stimulating and stupifying, simultaneously at times...

i so want to do no harm, so want to be a positive light in this world and truly touch others in meaningfully helpful ways and while i wish someone would care enough to look me in the eyes and acknowledge this core aspect of who i am and i whine and even complain at times when people do not know or appreciate me, i know that i do what i do because i am who i am even if no one else ever knows and even if i never have any appreciation or recognition...

but still, late at night, i can still wish for a true friend who knows...

nite nite :)

ncaa and ncis

so the sweet sixteen is set and how did i do?... perfect 4 for 4 in the east and midwest... 3 for 4 in the south... and the west, ah, the west i only went 1 for 4 but what that means is i am not 0 for 4 anywhere so i still have a chance to get 100% right in the final four and therein, championship... picking 12 out of the sweet sixteen is not bad, especially when there were many major upsets along the way... i almost went with a few of the upsets and did pick correctly a few of the other upsets... but the west, ah, the elusive west... i knew gonzaga was not going all the way, but with the upsets to wisconsin, kansas state, and pitt, i thought they might get into the final four and get blown out there... not even the sweet sixteen, talk about an overrated #1 seed... the only other sweet sixteen i missed was georgetown and wow, i am so pulling for florida gulf coast to upset florida i wouldn't care if i got no other pick right lol... i did pick georgetown to beat florida so i already missed that elite 8 pick anyway...

the characters (more than the stories) and occasionally clever writing on ncis is almost always a reliable distraction from anything when it is time to switch my brain to rest mode and while lots did not go right for me today, there is a late night marathon of ncis so i am revisiting with the characters who so often inspire a smile...

and enjoying the food coma :)

oddly bumpy day

it'll probably be spit into entries that will be uploaded later as if they were there all along, but don't tell anybody and nobody will know, ok?... don'tcha just love our dirty little secrets?... oh be good... at least until you get here (cha cha cha)... and after all, the nearest burger joint open all night is checkers and they have greasy oniony bacony cheesy burgers on so i obviously have thick lightly toasted white bread (texas toast) and the only fast food place with consistently crispy fries and that is a yummy alternative (though their shakes suck) to the heavy bread buns and other burgers joints (similar to five guys, though more bacon... five guys have more and better onions... both places must be nidged a lot into giving enough onions to satisfy me though) so they are the current favorites and combine that with my very recent burger cravings (i can go months without eating a burger and then, the craving comes and i can eat burgers a few times a week for a week or two, but after a couple of weeks the craving goes and another month or few goes by)... the smell of barbecued burgers does it, triggers the craving, that is...

ironing out the bumps, leaving those that can't be ironed out (like the car) for tomorrow so the head can be clear for the rush of wonder, excitement, happiness, and me that fills it while i sleep (most of the time)... that's the key to a happy life you know, experience everything as much as possible (including drama, frustration, and all the downward blows life throws) while awake and then let it all go and experience everything the imagination can create while asleep... rest, zone into nothingness now and then just to clear the synapses, and then repeat...

hope you do it too :)

like i said, weather

i nodded off and headed to bed as i finished the last entry, ready for sleep cuz i did not get enough sleep last night but also feeling lonely and depressed (it comes and goes if you are paying attention... doesn't yours?... shhhh, i won't tell if you don't want anybody to know... everybody does anyway) cuz nobody really knows me (or nobody who can find the stillness and peace within themselves that is required to reach me cares to, to be precise)... maybe nobody can... but anyway, i was ready for sleep and good sense would have kept me in bed through the night (since i did not eat today and definitely would have benefited from not eating today after the past few days of pigging out), but the phone rang... and a text came in... and another... and five more... and each time i somehow fell back to sleep (which shows how tired i was cuz falling to sleep when i am not tired has been a challenge cuz the arm so easily awakens me or keeps me awake)... but i locked the wrong lock on the door (subconsciously?) and jackson called so i could let her in (hey she did the same thing to me a couple of days ago, so maybe my subconscious has nothing to do with it)... i layed back down, but hunger was now knocking and fatigue was not as strong and i came out of my room to find jackson and sanford making dinner so i decided i would wait and go out for something (indulging emo-food?... but hungry too)...

they sat cuddling on the couch while we watched a bit of the ncaa tournament for a half hour, the showered and went to bed... i realized that i actually don't have sports friends to hang out with on a regular basis... the occasional superbowl party, but not the sports bar game... the fact that i do not drink or like sports bars much probably plays a role in that... anyway, my avid sports fan brain comes and goes and doesn't last long... it'll probably come back a bit next weekend :)

time to watch the end of the games, check my brackets, and then... food! :)

weather doesn't like me

so the storms came (and they were serious)... trees down, some other damage around the area... jackson texted and said she is staying at sanford's instead of coming back here to watch the tournament with me as she had planned... sanford's power went out and the storm was bad, so not driving was the right move... she might have planned to stay there anyway since she didn't bring happiness home as she usually does and had to go back there after the game (so much gas, i wish she would learn to budget better, especially since the whole point of a roommate is the share the expenses equally and we've never gotten anywhere near that, but my not working and having no income is not her problem {or fault}... and she has a place to stay if i can't keep paying all the bills, so i don't need to worry about her)...

meanwhile, on the way home, i figured out why the interior of the car was starting to smell like dirty laundry (though there's no dirty laundry in it)... the roof leaks... not drip drip drip leak, but gushing cups of water leaks... the water apparently pools in the inner roof lining and when turning, the water came pouring out of the sides... all over me... and the passenger seat on the opposite turns... a lot of water (the rain was blinding and cars were pulled off the road, so there was a lot of water coming down and a lot of water getting it... damn, the third thing that needs fixing on the car... and this might be the cause of the second thing ailing the old car, the short draining the battery... damn damn damn... american cars... the engine is fine, easily another 50 thousand miles on it or more... never needed a tune up (and the only work on it did damage)... but the crap the rest of the car is made of is falling apart... hear that american car makers, your product is crap - fix it if you care about your country...

the last thing i need right now is more expenses, but i've got to get the car fixed... and i am frustrated that i am being pushed closer to looking for a job when i have other plans for the next few months and the money that would pay for those other plans is paying all living expenses and now, emergency car expenses... i was thinking about getting a three bedroom and looking for a third roommate so at least someone would share expenses, but i decided not to take the risk of another person sharing the living space and all the complications that could bring...

i love jackson... she's adopted family... sister daughter whatever the label, she's family... but she could, if she wanted to, learn budgeting better... especially now when i could use some help... and jacks, if you ever read this, don't run - you know you need to learn to budget for yourself and not for me and running will not help you learn anything... i can take these words off the net if you want or make some entries private, but survival skills are necessary for survival and if you won't let me or anyone help - please learn financial survival skills somehow...

it is so frustrating when someone i love is hurting by their own choices...

this vent didn't help as much as the last one...

that's that happens when i care...

narf...

and the bumps begin

did not hit well at the cages... just could not focus enough to see the ball (nothing to do with eye tests, it's a batting thing i refer to... sometimes the ball just seems to big and slow and it is easy to hit it anywhere i want - sometimes it is a struggle to meet the ball cleanly... if you've ever hit you understand)... maybe i was swinging too hard or just not awake or whatever, but it was not a great start...

first thing i see when i get to the fields is that this was our week to do concessions... and that was a cold slap wake up call that made it very clear that i actually do not have any friends on the team, because nobody sent me a text reminder that the team was all going to get to the fields early to do something together as a team... ouch... but it gets worse because jackson is on this team and jackson was there... so she didn't think of me either and she is supposed to be my best friend... not since she fell in love, alas... i've hardly seen jackson in the past few weeks and i gues i just should have expected it... so including her, i have no friends on the team, just teammates who meet at the field at game time to play ball...

so my mood was in the crapper and that influenced everything that followed...

the first thing i hear when i get to the field is i am not pitching and still batting near last in the order... i typically have one of the best batting averages on the team, sometimes the top average (especially when i am not batting near the bottom), and still they put me in the bottom three of the order so i get stranded on the bases or forced out most of the time... i don't get it, but that's the way the coaches want it.;.. i think we won more games with me in a higher spot not just cuz i got on base a lot but because i got spirits up by doing it... i think i am wasted down next to last cuz i don't get up as much and cuz the weaker hitters come right after me... sometimes i wonder what the point of getting on base is for me, but anyway, not pitching?...

ok, the team we were to play has a bad record (an easy fun game for me, yay i thought after last weeks double header extra innings trial against two of the best teams) and they wanted to give the back up pitcher some work... he usually plays second base or outfield (doesn't sit... only two or three people out of fifteen sit regularly)... so i sit, but that's cool cuz i love to coach bases so especially since our head coach (we have two) is not going to be around for a few weeks, it makes sense to have my experience and energy coaching bases...

no, i don't coach, there is someone nobody knows coaching... huh?... so what do i do and why did i dress and show up if you wanted the team to test themselves without my input against one of the weaker teams in the league and moreover, why not call or text and tell me that was the plan?...

i dh... repeatedly i have told them that until my arm completely heals i do not want to dh... the reason is swinging the bat suddenlt just two or three times without actually playing hurts the arm cuz the arm is not lose and warmed up... the assistant coach either does not remember or just wants to push my buttons (or wants me to hurt myself?... i only think that because this is exactl how i hurt myself in the first place)...

i wonder if the head coach knows this same thing happened again the minute he was gone... why he would want to do that is very puzzling, but the same thing happened last season when the head coach was not around... and in a tournament, no less, and as i said, that is when i first hurt my arm because i was trying too hard when i was not loose and warmed up... last week they kept me pitching fifteen innings (into extra innings) and my arm was getting numb (not from injury, but from pushing the rehab of the muscles)... where was the relief then?... makes no sense... so i don't rehab on schedule this week... s'ok, it's not all about me out there (only in here lol lam :)

and so i invest a little less and will risk a lot less because i forgot this happened last year and today i set myself up for major disappointment... from now on, i expect nothing - i don't expect to play or be any part of the game and if i am, i won't be disappointed... and i don't need to feel as obligated to show if i decide i want to do something else and take a week off now like most everybody else does...

and then, two batters into the game, the predicated rain came... they made us sit there for a while even though there were tornado warnings, quarter size hail warnings, and 60+ mph wind warnings for a six county area... like it was going to blow over?... one look at the sky and it was obvious a major storm was coming so i ran to my car to stay dry and after about ten minutes they cancelled the games... personally maybe great since i was not feeling the hitting to begin with today...

but realizing i had no actual friends on the team, just teammates, and not even jackson thought of me to join in the team activity stung the most... yeah, i forgot, but friends talk and remind each other of activities, ya know?... and then then replacing me with a stranger to coach the bases that stung big too... so i was put in my place today... sit and shut up, or sit with the fans and cheer, but don't actively be part of the game on the field (except to stress your hurting arm)... he's done it to others before and i think it's a lousy way of coaching, but that's his choice... i sat there thinking that maybe i should say yes the next time some other coach asks me to join their team (a half dozen have in the last year or two)...

giving the back-up pitcher some pitching time makes sense, but bringing in a new coach when you have me not playing?... that made no sense at all... we already play late games for the convenience of the coaches and they don't seem to see how their decisions effect players... i wish they would tell me before i gear up that they don't want to use my bat, my experience, or my energy... so i sat there wondering why i dressed and wasted gas... so as i did last year when the same thing happened (when the head coach was away a few games), i will downshift how seriously i take playing again to let someone else take the lead...

this vent helped and since nobody offline reads this, no feelings are hurt except mine... someday maybe i'll have an offline friend who cares to know what's going on behind the bouncy little kid they see and then, who knows, maybe i will feel like i actually have a friend offline (gotta end with a zing, it's my literary style, after all... but you know that, and that's why i am smiling now :)

thanks for being out there with me :)

woke early, why?

ah, awakened by a call from the afternoon league to let me know the later games were cancelled... lots of rain in the past few days and a lot more scheduled for the late afternoon... so i turned off the alarms and washed a bit to wake up and dressed for the game and now, time to head out the door to the batting cages for some swings (40-60, depending how i feel, to get the arm loose and eyes focused and mind right) and then to the game to pitch, hit, run, and win (that's the ticket :)

see ya laters :)

forgot laundry

dangit... heck of a fun night but forgot to wash the uniform for tomorrow so instead of getting a little sleep i am gonna stay up for an hour washing the uniform and tossing it in the dryer and then, hopefully, sleep... but i am a bit over-wired from too much code red too... alas, too much food too... pig-out fun, but over-indulged when i should be getting some sleep... so i am just getting home and at least if i do fall asleep in an hour i will get four or five hours sleep... the first game is not until 2pm and i can leave here at a little before 1pm and still take swings at the batting cages and make it to the field on time so i can sleep until noon or even 12:30 if i don't want to take a shower... could shower not while the clothes are washing, good idea... even though a hot shower before softball is much better for the arm... we shall see, the arm is a little better every day... keep the fun of the night... stay positive... do something to unwire... exercise... clothes... dryer... sleep... yup...

and how was your night? :)

writing and tv

wonderful afternoon relaxing and reading and writing and texting and glancing up at michigan state overwhelming memphis... i picked michigan state in this one... have them going to the elite eight and am torn about them beating louisville, have each of them in the final four in two different brackets... one bracket as an all big ten final four... the other has louisville with three big ten teams... still have a few upsets picked in my brackets, and the excitement continues to build... confirmed the party tonight and going to see Admission this week with a friend who is on spring break... also want to see Oz and a few other movies, but most can wait for tv (i don't even get videos anymore much mostly cuz i don't have a regular movie partner in my current flit and float lifestyle)...

time to take a shower and figure out what dinner will be... hope you are enjoying your day :)

wow, forgot what sleep was like

exercise leads to better sleep, no doubt about it... must must must do it more often...

jackson and happiness are already gone to sanford's but there's a note here saying she loves me and misses me will see me tomorrow afternoon at softball (first game at 2pm against a new team that's 0-5 so we better show up and win {win big, even} and then, the first game of playoffs in the afternoon league at 6:30pm against a 1-5 team we also better show up for and win - last time we won 3-1 cuz we didn't show up - they had pretty good defense but they were not hitting) and we will watch ncaa tournament tomorrow night for a bit (she'll probably be asleep before an hour passes)... it's amusing (ironic?) that even living with someone i still get love more on paper and in words than in being in the same physical space... just like us, aye? :)

tonight i think i have a card and game party to go to... meanwhile, right now, sweetness... i am enjoying the peace and afterglow of a good long deep sleep and listening to the ncaa tourney... still have thirteen possible wins out of the sweet sixteen and six possible wins out of the elite eight and all four for the final four...

take care of yourself :)

while sleeping

ever so sweetly and deeply and probably dreaming wonderful dreams, the spambots and spiders and all the stuff that sends stats through the roof were very busy... not that i focus on stats much, you know... at least not while i am awake, aye?... anyway, almost 300 page views yesterday and that's been increasing all week... and an even greater increase, by percentage, in spam comments... a half dozen of the blogs have been getting daily spam comments, sometimes in a flood of a dozen in one pop, and many of them are from what appears to be the same "quotes" site... i haven't explored the site because obtaining the address requires actually approving the comment because that is the way the google/blogger comment monitoring system is set up...

but the loving fans are what matter, yes you... and you are from all over the world too... countries listed are mostly the usual, US, Germany, Russian, Romania, UK, Latvia, France, Ukraine... South Korea and Sweden jumped into the top ten (with a huge flood from South Korea in one day this week)... maybe Meg & Dia's family found me... and of course my Swedish girlfriend (not to mention my Russian girlfriend just can't get enough of me, i know {along with the Swedish bikini team and Russian dance mob}, it's hard when you just can't get enough (don't stop till you get enough, ya know?)...

so we are more popular than ever, except for last December and January and maybe November... but we could pass November if we keep it up this month... so keep it up, millions of avid fans and other insatiable beings out there... thank you for your patience, i'll make love to all of you someday... just keep your cards and money coming in (love the cards, need the money, it's not like i am rich and famous or anything, ya know?)... oh, and your nude photos, stay in focus and get the lighting right - and smile... come on, you can do it, you've got a lot of competition you know...

never mind the title of this entry, m'ok? :)

sleeping thoughts

the musical journey pauses... sigh... the wonder and excitement and tsunami of... oh, here, this is how i explained it earlier (with expansion for clarity for you who do not know the details and history known by the person i was writing to)... i am not spiraling into memories and all the precarious balance and delicate sensitivity and lament and depressing stuff of days gone by and fractured dreams and broken promises and torturous betrayals and brutal mistakes and (you may know this loop, hope you don't go there much), yeah - really i'm not (grinning, hope it shows through, really i do :)

i was completely taken by surprise by the music and words i found in a 2008 message from an old lover who knew me as well as anybody in this life and the tinge of sadness of what could have been and what was missed (in the 90s and if i actually listened to the music in 2008) was just one distant star in a superbly sparkling sky of wonder and excitement and creative inspiration... profound and personally meaningful as the words and songs were (and i admit the little one listened and simply said "really?... me?... really?" over and over again {asking - do you mean it, really? and am i worth it, really? and is this about me, really? and so on as the collection of songs had more than a few that touched on who i am} as the music mix played deeper and deeper into my psyche cuz the words touched the core of my bi-polar extremes of wonder, hope, doubts, and insecurities), the timing was as perfectly positive as it could have been (aided by the fact that i have time to really listen and feel, almost) and i so hope my excitement (which has calmed much since the entry here three days ago when a tsunami blast from the past sent me floating way out into the deep) has settled into a wonderful peaceful cruise i am enjoying immensely without analyzing and picking apart as i so often have done (though the creative kids are itching to share creativity and feedback and all the fun of the fair that used to nurture the written gardens and that was the best touch of all, the visceral memory and the actual feeling of the actual emotional-physical touch of the written gardens)...

thank goodness the ncaa tournament and all the predictive number play (and softball and parties offline) has me distracted from the potential abyss of sadness over the lack of music and creative sharing that is reality in this life today, aye? :)

ah, sleeping thoughts are such a tease lol lam :)

naturally unexpected

no food all day and exercise, softball, and chilled wet, body working hard to stay warm, and sore arm and coming home, craving food, i turn to meat and cheese and bread and potatoes, fried of course, and then the body revs, the blood pressure probably rises, the food circulates... and fatigue brings the aching neck, throbbing arm, over-tired wired fatigue, and then, nutella... craving chocolate, i found nutella in the cupboard, pantry to some of you, and consumed many calories on top of the many calories consumed earlier and then, aching, throbbing, over-tired-wired, i lay back in the recliner and aching, i start pumping my legs, legs out straight pumping from the waist down, and time passes... fifteen minutes, a half hour, and an hour... within that time there was meditation, remembering belief determines perspective as much as anything else and we choose what we believe... and letting go, giving up fear of death and trusting that even if this body dies, all will be well... peace... awareness... belief... just a beginning, but a beginning... again...

there's always hope...

basketball surprises

watching the kansas - western kentucky game and unfortunaly, kansas needed some bad calls by the referees in the last few minutes to win... not impressed... but more surprising is georgetown getting booted by 15th seeded florida gulf coast... shocker... maybe mississippi beating wisconsin was not as much a shocker, but i was surprised... and two of my elite eight are out of the tournament, so my brackets took two big hits... they were the only hits i took today, only missing two of the sixteen games played (like yesterday), but dang, today was worse... so two of my eight paths are gone, but all four of my final four teams are still in so it could be a whole lot worse... missing 4 games out of 32 is not too bad... something like 87% or so...

and the body is recovering... arm hurts a lot but better than previous double headers and the weather influences the pain a lot as it rained through the first game and chilled down to 62 degrees and i stood around waiting for the second game for an hour as the temperature dropped and the wet clothes drew the warmth from the arm... bearing down against the men's team did not help, but no damage, just rehab pain... and again, faster recovery than last week...

i passed up on cards after softball tonight because i was wet and sweaty and achy and starving, but it was cool to get invited to a different place for more games... and another group texted and asked about playing tomorrow night... i'll decide in the morning... probably will say yes since jackson doesn't stay home on saturday nights anymore and it'll be ore fun to play with friends and listen to the ncca tournament in the background than to stay home watching the tournament by myself... the women play tomorrow...

and so now, sit back, relax, and let the sleep or meditation come :)

felt like burgers

so i went to checkers.. was gonna also go to taco bell, but their drive thru cash register was broken so they turned away a few hundred dollars because they would not open the doors (they locked the doors at 11pm and it was 11:04pm with at least a dozen cars in line and others driving passed the line cuz it was too long and all of us left... whoever was in charge would not be a manager's favorite if the manager finds out what happened... and why they couldn't use one of the other registers is again poor management... anyway, the burgers hit the spot... fatigue is now due to wanting sleep which will probably happen soon, but first the ncaa tournament...

are we having fun or what? :)

not the best softball

neither team was hitting, everyone seemed very rusty and most of them have not played since last season, three months, and it showed... i didn't help my cause with my first at bat hitting into a double play with bases loaded, but i went 2 for 2 after that and 3 for 4 in the second game... pitching i did well, striking out a few and only walking a few, only one of my walks scored so everybody was happy with my play but not so much with their own... both teams can play a lot better so next week we'll start over... i need to hit better, even though i hit ok today, i need to control my hits better to satisfy myself...

i am seriously hungry now since i didn't eat today... home first though to change and say hi to jackson if she's still awake... and then, who knows :)

nap and ready

an hour of nap and then a shower and it's time to head out for softball... two games with a church league... the guy who asked me to play for this team isn't playing this season but i got friendly enough with the others on the team so it's still fun and one of the co-ed teams asked me to pitch for them last year so i play two games with this league and while they are both hot and cold (and today, cold) both were in the championship game the last couple of seasons... the drawback in this league is that the rules are always changing and the two guys who run the league, the pastor of the church and another guy are way too competitive and questionable decisions happen every season and in the playoffs so their teams always win the league... but it's two games in one night for me, so i let the politics and egos play their own game and i enjoy mine with the teams that ignore the pastor's decisions with me...

out the door now, gonna have fun :)

HTML5 and coding music

it took a few hours, but i believe i have coding for at least IE and Chrome set for music (playing an mp3 file) in these blog posts... with every change and new browser it seems to become a challenge to put the right code in the get a player to show up, play a song, and not autoplay the song... who knows how many of the thousands of posts prior to today have songs that won't play or links that won't work because they are always "improving" things... at least the new "audio" tag seems simple enough, but it's not working in Firefox so that ought to be strike three for Firefox (which is what i have been using for the past couple of months in an attempt to see if it is better than Chrome or IE)... Firefox shows the music player for a moment and then it disappears... it also does not handle mp3 files, which is inconvenient... Chrome would not play music and seemed slow, which is one reason i switched... but Firefox is proving just as slow in similar circumstances and it has a few other issues... this last one is enough for me to give IE a shot again... i haven't used it in at least a year, maybe more, but... maybe i'll go back to Chrome as it seems to be playing music now with the "audio" tag... it seemed to have an issue with the "embed" tag...

we just want to share, but changing languages (HTML codes) make it so much more challenging than it needs to be... why humans ever chose to develop hundreds of languages is another sign of the folly of the human mind... but anyway, the music i hear is still ever so sweet (and personal... and i noticed another song i did not notice before and so i downloaded all the songs and will burn a cd one of these days... only one song couldn't be found, and go figure, it's alabama boy by alice peacock... anyway, and i hope you can hear it too... and i hope you enjoy the songs :)

waking happiness

i suppose he woke while i was sleeping but just to be sure i woke happiness and took him for another walk cuz he missed his regularly scheduled walk at the crack of dawn... he is definitely a sad puppy, tail between his legs as if he did something wrong, poor thing... he's at that bottoming out point of missing his mom, third day and waking to find she's not here again... he's a needy dog ordinarily and not very independent, uber social and attention seeking on his most secure days... he's so not used to her not sleeping with him after 13-14 years or almost every night and he instinctively knows he is getting old which seems to make him miss her even more... so i hug and scratch and cuddle and give him another treat and all the good puppy stuff to reassure him that nothing is wrong and it snaps him out of his sadness, but he still sinks back into a funky depression and stays in the bedroom a lot more... he's a dog after all, short attention span and all... not "moving in" to this new space and spending quality time with her here has definitely affected him... after 14 years of everyday life with her, he's not quite home... repeating myself perhaps?... a bit loopy this morning...

meanwhile, i definitely need more sleep... two games scheduled for tonight... a chill in the air 56 degrees right now and supposed to be around 60 tonight and while this would be ideal weather ordinarily, the arm does not like anything below body temperature even though it is getting better every day... anyway, a nap will be good today (hear that happiness?... be good :)

make your day smile, ok? :)

tv tonight

yeppers, it was a tv night all night with a warehouse 13 marathon and i was right on time so now i am all caught up on last season and ready for the conclusion of the cliffhanger airing a week from monday... plenty of flaws, as most tv shows have, but another of the syfy shows i try to remember to watch, if only during these marathons... i prefer full day catch up marathons to the weekly series as rarely does a weekly series move well enough to make the wait between each episode worthwhile... too much soupy soap opera style, not enough tell me a good story and don't lose my interest dragging it out... anyway, it is definitely time for sleep...

good morning :)

another march madness begins

and so far i have missed two picks after the first day of the brackets... i had harvard as a possible upset (i had three possible upsets in all that i did not pick), but did not pick them... the other two possibles did not pull off their upset so i was 2 out of three in very low probability upsets that almost happened... the three long shot possible upsets were Southern over Gonzaga, Davidson over Marquette, and Harvard over New Mexico... i ended up putting the favorites in my brackets, but i pondered... the only other pick i missed so far was Wichita St over Pitt, which was a pretty big miss as State whipped Pitt easily... the upsets i did put in my brackets came through... i picked Oregon and California to beat Ok St and UNLV and they did... tomorrow i picked Minn to beat UCLA, though i am not as sure about that one as i was about the other two... kinda flip flopping on that one in my head, but on paper i went with Minn...

so 16 games were played and i picked 14 of them accurately... not bad... the bracket is something to do, numbers to play with, fun in my head and fun to share if anybody else is doing it... it gives us something to talk about, la la la...

so what are you up to tonight? :)

doing the dog

that is, doing whatever the dog wants, mostly... he's so pathetic when jackson stays out a few days... and she's only been home one day out of the past week and only two last week, so even though he went over to sanford's with her over the weekend, his whole world is upside down... after all, we just moved in here and he really never had her here even a whole week since we've lived here so who knows where home is to him now... the stress shows in his face and tail and skin itching... so i'm giving him lots more attention and affection and reassurance than usual... weakness or strength, it is part of who i am, but that's another story... let's just say... empathy is not always fun :)

and you know, someday my princess will come :}

lost that loving feeling

sort of... lost that excitement of reviewing and finding words and me and you and other (reading comments from 2008 is a trip)... alas, happiness is missing his mom (usually has a tough day the second night she is gone... worse the third... have to be careful walking him because he will pull off the leash (the collar is way too big) and run after or even in front of a car cuz he is hoping it's his mom driving up... and there's a lot more streets to run into at this place than there was at the other place... more traffic too... especially at his usual walking times... and he gets more anxious so his usual skin allergies flair up big time and he is constantly trying to scratch or bite himself and he does draw blood if not stopped... so he becomes more of a full time supervision job the longer jackson is away until about the fourth day when he acclimates... he's probably been driven crazy by the two-three days away then one night back of the last few weeks... and he isn't getting any younger... she just doesn't have time for him... maybe this is her way of separating knowing he might be gone soon... anyway, hopefully i'll get back to my journey later... life is not online or in words, after all...

the things we do for love...

narf :}

upon review

well, more during review, in fact, very early on in the review, i realize that i was a whole lot busier in the early days of this blog (and that didn't even include softball which i was only playing twice a week regularly with a regular 3-4 hour practice once a week that was much more exercise than any of the games... i was thinner then too)... in fact, there were not enough hours in the day more than usual (there have never been enough hours in a day in this life for me)... excuse me... happiness is biting his tail...

where were we?...

whatever...

and the stare wins

well, not right away... but eventually, after he turns his back and faces the opposite direction on his pillow (pouting) and then farts a few times in my general direction, he gets to go out... earlier than he ordinarily would if i was working (i am trying not to revise his body-schedule too much cuz when i go back to work he's going to have to hold his pee and poop the full day like he used to, so my ignoring his staring is meant to help him, not be mean... darned though, he's is so good at the pouting... even better than he is at the staring)...

so i take a break from my wandering through old blogs (revisited the first months of this (e)thereal) today while two other blogs wait for the re-visiting to continue)... now it is time to head out with him for a long walk and then, we'll figure out what's for dinner... enjoying this time off too much?... naaaaaa, just right :)

sleep mostly

happiness does not understand my schedule and therefore does not cooperate as i want to sleep and he wants to: a) eat b) walk c) play d) groom e) lick f) stare g) sleep

he chooses f) most of the time when i am not doing a) - e) and he is not g) which is sometimes amusing and sometimes distracting (which can lead to annoying or nerve wracking now and then), but he is a dog, after all, and he thinks, consciously or not, that he is the center of the universe and everything and everyone must serve his needs... kind of like some unevolved unenlightened people, aye?...

after his last walk (previous entry, i think) we ate breakfast and being that i didn't sleep last night, i sat back in the recliner... what i remember after nodding off was he licked my feet as i nodded off in the recliner and i wandered to the couch and fell asleep again for a bit until he licked my elbow and we went for a walk (his schedule still rules cuz, after all, he's got the smaller bladder) and then headed into bed and closed the door (all this in the past few hours, so i slept mostly since the last entry, you see)... and now, here we are...

the re-reading of blogs project continues when he lets it :)

night is day

the mood of sweetness lingers as the music plays through the night into the day... it rained more, lots, got the patio wet and the fake leather chairs too... at least i think they are fake leather... gonna have to check them in daylight and figure a way out to cover them... and get some sort of leather cream, or fake leather cream... breakfast of a bagel, cream cheese, and smoked salmon (lox) with tomato was delicious... happiness ate already and will need walking before i nap, but he went back to bed... he's a foul farting machine this morning... he probably went back to bed cuz it's not light out yet... probably very overcast... the temperature went down during the night to the low 50s (about 11C)... it was near 80 during the day... and tomorrow night it's supposed to be in the mid-40s... if you're bored, listen to the music :)

good morning :)