and the bumps begin

did not hit well at the cages... just could not focus enough to see the ball (nothing to do with eye tests, it's a batting thing i refer to... sometimes the ball just seems to big and slow and it is easy to hit it anywhere i want - sometimes it is a struggle to meet the ball cleanly... if you've ever hit you understand)... maybe i was swinging too hard or just not awake or whatever, but it was not a great start...

first thing i see when i get to the fields is that this was our week to do concessions... and that was a cold slap wake up call that made it very clear that i actually do not have any friends on the team, because nobody sent me a text reminder that the team was all going to get to the fields early to do something together as a team... ouch... but it gets worse because jackson is on this team and jackson was there... so she didn't think of me either and she is supposed to be my best friend... not since she fell in love, alas... i've hardly seen jackson in the past few weeks and i gues i just should have expected it... so including her, i have no friends on the team, just teammates who meet at the field at game time to play ball...

so my mood was in the crapper and that influenced everything that followed...

the first thing i hear when i get to the field is i am not pitching and still batting near last in the order... i typically have one of the best batting averages on the team, sometimes the top average (especially when i am not batting near the bottom), and still they put me in the bottom three of the order so i get stranded on the bases or forced out most of the time... i don't get it, but that's the way the coaches want it.;.. i think we won more games with me in a higher spot not just cuz i got on base a lot but because i got spirits up by doing it... i think i am wasted down next to last cuz i don't get up as much and cuz the weaker hitters come right after me... sometimes i wonder what the point of getting on base is for me, but anyway, not pitching?...

ok, the team we were to play has a bad record (an easy fun game for me, yay i thought after last weeks double header extra innings trial against two of the best teams) and they wanted to give the back up pitcher some work... he usually plays second base or outfield (doesn't sit... only two or three people out of fifteen sit regularly)... so i sit, but that's cool cuz i love to coach bases so especially since our head coach (we have two) is not going to be around for a few weeks, it makes sense to have my experience and energy coaching bases...

no, i don't coach, there is someone nobody knows coaching... huh?... so what do i do and why did i dress and show up if you wanted the team to test themselves without my input against one of the weaker teams in the league and moreover, why not call or text and tell me that was the plan?...

i dh... repeatedly i have told them that until my arm completely heals i do not want to dh... the reason is swinging the bat suddenlt just two or three times without actually playing hurts the arm cuz the arm is not lose and warmed up... the assistant coach either does not remember or just wants to push my buttons (or wants me to hurt myself?... i only think that because this is exactl how i hurt myself in the first place)...

i wonder if the head coach knows this same thing happened again the minute he was gone... why he would want to do that is very puzzling, but the same thing happened last season when the head coach was not around... and in a tournament, no less, and as i said, that is when i first hurt my arm because i was trying too hard when i was not loose and warmed up... last week they kept me pitching fifteen innings (into extra innings) and my arm was getting numb (not from injury, but from pushing the rehab of the muscles)... where was the relief then?... makes no sense... so i don't rehab on schedule this week... s'ok, it's not all about me out there (only in here lol lam :)

and so i invest a little less and will risk a lot less because i forgot this happened last year and today i set myself up for major disappointment... from now on, i expect nothing - i don't expect to play or be any part of the game and if i am, i won't be disappointed... and i don't need to feel as obligated to show if i decide i want to do something else and take a week off now like most everybody else does...

and then, two batters into the game, the predicated rain came... they made us sit there for a while even though there were tornado warnings, quarter size hail warnings, and 60+ mph wind warnings for a six county area... like it was going to blow over?... one look at the sky and it was obvious a major storm was coming so i ran to my car to stay dry and after about ten minutes they cancelled the games... personally maybe great since i was not feeling the hitting to begin with today...

but realizing i had no actual friends on the team, just teammates, and not even jackson thought of me to join in the team activity stung the most... yeah, i forgot, but friends talk and remind each other of activities, ya know?... and then then replacing me with a stranger to coach the bases that stung big too... so i was put in my place today... sit and shut up, or sit with the fans and cheer, but don't actively be part of the game on the field (except to stress your hurting arm)... he's done it to others before and i think it's a lousy way of coaching, but that's his choice... i sat there thinking that maybe i should say yes the next time some other coach asks me to join their team (a half dozen have in the last year or two)...

giving the back-up pitcher some pitching time makes sense, but bringing in a new coach when you have me not playing?... that made no sense at all... we already play late games for the convenience of the coaches and they don't seem to see how their decisions effect players... i wish they would tell me before i gear up that they don't want to use my bat, my experience, or my energy... so i sat there wondering why i dressed and wasted gas... so as i did last year when the same thing happened (when the head coach was away a few games), i will downshift how seriously i take playing again to let someone else take the lead...

this vent helped and since nobody offline reads this, no feelings are hurt except mine... someday maybe i'll have an offline friend who cares to know what's going on behind the bouncy little kid they see and then, who knows, maybe i will feel like i actually have a friend offline (gotta end with a zing, it's my literary style, after all... but you know that, and that's why i am smiling now :)

thanks for being out there with me :)