happy noodle!

and a ramen new year... yes, we've cut back a bit this year and the fanciful feast is store brand minimums and home made cheap stuff, but nutritious, sometimes, as much as possible... yes, you can find it on the internet, whatever your perversion... even a baby elephant playing a harmonica... or porn, even... but hopefully you are not humping an inflatable partner tonight (we wish you a real doll, at least) watching web soup (as opposed to webbot soup, or perhaps your favorite soap opera, stvb, even) and you've got a smiling face with a tenderly loving beating heart and to hug you for real as the year passes from yesterday into tomorrow... maybe even a kiss...

seriously, really, trully, seriously... all teasing, taunting, mocking, flabbergasting, shocking, embarrassing, innuendo, entendre, and irreverence aside, i love you for being here and wish you the happiest healthiest most wonderful new year...

yes :)

out to party

while i am out, may this entry (or one of these) amuse you, especially if your new year was hours ago and you really ought to be sleeping (remember that?... now we're back in the 90s... calling canada and getting no answer... oh wait, we're back there now... mock the madness, that's cure it ho ho he he ha ha ho?)... it'sa the end of the year and you know it, and who feels fine?... yes, the end of the years, a time for rhetrospection when we can look back and ask ourselves the truly meaningful (and possibly revealing) questions like... do you recall how many wet farts you passed this year?...

check your shorts and full speed ahead

do you ever wonder?

what is real and what is illusion?... what is serious and what is teasing?... what is life, and what is the story... the fantasy... the reality... the story of a life... do you ever stop to wonder, who i am?... do you ever really want to know?...

how about you... do you ever stop to wonder, who you are?... what is real?... what is illusion?... is it clear in your mind, in your mind, in your way, in your life?... are you spirit or flesh or both?... how do you know for sure?... can you tell?...

it is a time of change, a year comes to a close by the calendar most people accept as the party time to celebrate a year moving on... out with the old, in with the new, resolutions, changes, hopes... are you making any changes?...

my hope is that you are changing something for the better... my hope is that you are taking the power within you and moving the pieces of your life around, moving yourself around to take a step or few closer to where you want to be, to what you want to be right there where you are... you are inside, you are...

magic...

another secret?

oh but secrets entries take so long to find as they are linked within links within links within links, at least and you may never know which is the real secret and which is the magical illusion of seduction that, years later, the ones seduced will still hide and avoid all over the internet... yes, that is the trauma of the ages, the secret of the long ago, that i was a high school succubus... trademark copyright and all that jazz (ready?)...

oh sure, now you laugh... but if you only knew... to this day, decades later, they are away, not openly on the internet, avoiding contact with the reality of the power... all the love i send, all the good wishes, all the hopeful energy, they know the addictive nature of the passion so they don't encourage me, they carefully avoid contact for no one can resist... and i, one of truly harmless intent who did not know the power i contained until it was too late, until i ravaged the hearts of too many innocents, i buried it inside... innocent myself, i was forgiven by the universe, the energy of the eternal infinite, whatever you might call the stuff, physical, ethereal, non-corporal, magical, whatever you call the stuff that connects everything...

but i did know... that is the secret... and that is what they all fear... i did know in silence and i hoped to find one who could withstand the power and contain the power within herself... i hoped and hoped... and i still hope, for there is always hope...

but who takes it seriously... someone... somewhere... someday...

there is a place for us...

narf lol :)

do you promise not to tell

woah a ohhh ohhh, closer... it's a wonderful day and and you've been so kind to come back again and again to visit and read my silliness and seriousness and do you want to know another secret wish i hold dear that actually involves you?... well, it is a pipe dream, but it i ever win a lottery (i've played one this year and didn't win), i will buy a big house where we all could live... more realistically (though i love the elton john song and bernie taupin's words), i will find a way for you to come visit orlando or wherever you wish to visit... and i will visit wherever you are if you wish a visit from your babbling friend (that would be me)... being a rich lottery winner, i'd stay at the best place in your town and you'd be welcome too... if only i would play the lottery more than once a year, huh?...

it is evening here in my time zone and i am out at the first party... whatever time it is in your time zone, i hope you are smiling :)

real time again

running late, but stopped by the computer to wave hello and wish you a live happy new year wherever it is new year right now and wish you a happy new year just past in the past few hours and a happy new year to come in the next few hours and a happy new year all year cuz every day is a new day and every moment is a new moment and you can enjoy it and make the most of it as much as you want to (i do it right here at the computer playing with words, in case you haven't noticed, aye?) and just do it, shake off the blahs and blues and wake up and smile :)

happy new year... keep in touch :)

happy new year

since i won't be here at midnight i am wishing you a happy new year now... it's midnight somewhere, after all... and there's probably a party going on somewhere around you, so i hope you are with smiling people smiling with them...

start off with a smile, try to keep it all year through, hopefully you'll find, others smiling back at you... gotta believe it's gonna be a good year, after all, 2012 was quite a challenging year... i've had a lot worse, but who wants to change jobs twice in one year, ya know?... be nice to have health insurance again (like hillary clinton getting all her tests paid for by our tax dollars... if it was you or me, we'd just die or get sick... oligarchy is not democracy, ya know?)...

but start off with a smile anyway :)

not my party

yeah, jackson has a love now, so our parties are coming to an end and that's kind sad, but hey, love happens even with best friends... she did seem to really want me to come to her party and i know i am her best friend too so it's cool... nothing falling in love myself wouldn't make just fine... but i do have to stop for something to bring (the nerve, like she couldn't just ask for money so i wouldn't have to shop, i mean, what's a best friend for, anyway, huh?... smirking is not allowed)...

i also have to remember to bring happiness with me... like he will let me forget... i suppose i should get the address, i mean, i've been there a few times, but who pays attention when not driving, ya know?... so sleep, right, i should be sleeping...

is it midnight yet?... a few minutes to midnight in the wilds of romania, so happy new year old friend... and happy new year to anybody else in this time zone... everybody else, one of these hours, it should be midnight where you are... so happy new year and don't forget to dance (at least in your mind :)

sleep, except

yeah, sleep, except the syfy channel has a twilight zone marathon and another channel has an ncis marathon and i haven't even looked around at other channels cuz i am supposed to be sleeping... yeah, hopefully i am by the time this entry is uploaded cuz if not, i will be conking out cuz staying awake 48 hours is not what i should be doing anymore... especially when driving on new years eve... yup, gotta get some sleep today... but so excited, sleep doesn't wanna happen much, ya know?...

hope you are enjoying new years eve :)

the most frustrating thing

is that there are several minds i wish i knew today, people who were so very dear to me, important to this life story, and still have a room of their own in my heart... a candle in the window, even... two were from childhood, one was the lustiest lust i ever knew, the other a friend who would play any game i wanted and always let me win... two were from the working years (adult?... me?), one was the most unconditional friend i ever knew, the other was the one who may have known me best and read more of my writings than anyone else (as far as i know)... there are a lot of others, some children i loved and made my own in my heart, some who were known to me only through words, pen pals, but words meant so much... especially when words are all we have...

i would buy them each a gibbs mug if they came to visit...

but a more serious, realistic wish... i wish they would come to this party, not just today, but every day so they could read the life i live and know me today and just as much i wish they would share the life they live today with me because for me, caring does not end and i want to know and would help if they needed it... hope for happiness, but caring no matter what... we don't live forever, and i will be there for them when life gets challenging, because, as i said, they still have a room in my heart...

the most frustrating thing is we don't share all this fun - or keep in touch...

hopefully some sleep happened

since the sun came up and i found ncis episodes i have not seen in a long time, a good one too, and then there's a twilight zone marathon to contend with and hopefully i will find my way over to the couch to fall asleep watching (what dreams might come from subliminal twilight zone scripts in the background of sleep?... it would not be the first time, or the second or third... in fact i sleep with favorite tv show marathons on often, or at least i did... maybe that explains a few things, aye?)...

by now, or the time of this entry, i hope to have at least one 4-hour rem session done and maybe starting on a second since tonight will be a long one, first party starting at 7ish and another party starting after midnight and possible a stop at a third before that one if it's still going on... some people party out right after midnight and some just get started around then... i am of the latter clan...

hey, an almost real-time real life entry... imagine that :)

hope you are enjoying your new years eve :)

is there no more to write?

or is there no more to the writer?... there is always more to write for there are always words and always more ways of arranging words and if we say the same thing a million times and never use the same combination of words, are we redundant or creative?... ah, and while a few dear friends reading this would miss the words, the world would certainly spin without change if i suddenly stopped writing (or perhaps we are of the belief that every movement of atoms changes the flow of everything so there would be a change, though perhaps not noticeable by anyone anywhere, except us few, you and me, dear friends and friends of the words...

no plans to stop, in case you wondered... just wondering...

hug :)

so what do you think?

the volume and frequency, to be sure more visits, more page views, but are the words lost in the flood?... does the flow produce diminished value?... would one entry a day be seem by a thousand eyes where ten entries a day are seen by just one hundred?... and what value would there be in posting one a day, i wonder...

but the holding back that would take, why i could post entries into the future for a thousand days in a month, left to my own devices... and we approach four hundred entries in just this month, december always being the most productive writing month for me on every level as so many peaks and valleys are to draw from in memory and history, personally, in this month... and even this year, i've not let the flood of words and the emo and imagination behind and within flow without some time restriction... and what would value would there be in letting it all go?...

and chocolate chip cookies, soft or crunchy?...

the real? (part two)

part one came first, mostly naturally... and then i paused a bit to ponder, paused to ponder, and thoughts flowed through the synapses into consciousness all the while some lays kettle cooked mesquite bbq potato chips did make transit to my tongue, crossing between the lips with all their tasty goodness and minimal nutritional value, and these chips were good, and these thoughts now follow...

and so here we are in this (e)thereal blog where i come to share a bit of brevity about the life i experience each day and in my mind, so much more happens than can be seen or felt in the physical world and here, in this past half year, i had the extra time and freedom to allow the mind to flow, the words to flow, the... whatever... to flow...

it is the real in me, the experiences in life, mixed with my imagination, always hoping to inspire, amuse, and leave both you and me with a positive feeling, a smile... the increase in words is a reflection of the hunger to share, oh dear hunger to share is profound as insatiable desire meets unfulfillment so vast and powerful that words are confounded to comprehend of express the conundrum compounded by the extra time alone...

but who has the will to challenge the hunger to not be consumed and still be whole and able to stand alone and yet experience the full depth of it's power...

the real?

seriously, whatever happened to this blog?... it's become a cacophony of mumbley bumbley babble and all sorts of (e)thereal mish mosh... omigosh (e)thereal?... yes, (e)thereal happenstance and wiggle wobble like sometimes in this world of rational thought and reason and sometimes in a free associative kaleidoscope world of random references and infinite possibilities beyond known natural laws... but rebel child, what are laws, was the earth not assuredly known beyond doubt as flat and the center of the universe at one time and was the sky not certainly known as heaven where supernatural beings lived and created and controlled all that happens to us here on earth and were the laws of physics once believed to be immutable with constants and certainties and facts, all facts once true, but what is the most true truth of all if not that all truths can change...

oh, what did that say?...

oh joy oh giggle

there will be entries all the way through until morning, entries (with so much hope i write) worth reading (hope hope hope... see, so much hope) even when i am out partying tonight the entries are written and what is written is written and shall be uploaded and what is uploaded shall be uploaded and what is uploaded shall be read and what is read shall be read and what is read shall be shared shall be shared shall be shared and what is shared shall be wonderful shall be wonderful shall be wonderful and what is wonderful shall be you you are wonderful you are wonderful and hopefully you will be enjoying the wonderful you are as i enjoy the wonderful you are and as we enjoy the wonder you are we shall be wonderful we shall be wonderful...

wonderful yet? :)

how many times

how many times how many ways how many words how many days how many posts how many lives how many stars a wish survives... how many entries will pour out today (oh don't set that challenge in front of me cuz i will not stop babbling till i fall over dead or asleep, whichever comes first cuz there is no quenching the babbler's thirst there is no end to the babblers way so whatever you do, whatever you say, don't ask the babbler - how much can you write today?)... ahhhhh... ahhh.... ahhhhhhhhhh... oh!...

queue robert klein sounds and enjoy the twilight zone marathon as i will do my best to ingore the magical words almost released from the safe confines of the parentheses (like beetlejuice to the third or candyman tripled or thrice bloody mary or there's no place like home again and again such magic that can be found in the rule of threes (the majik knows, as do scientific orators, or something like that)... oh wonders, oh my!...

but then, this who blog and the written gardens itself may just be an overly long gag...

how tremulous...

narf!

a month to remember

this december, 2012... more than 400 entries, some so revealing they belong on the right sidebar in the come a little bit closer list, more than any other month, yet the time to re-read and select and put them there has not happened yet... so the entries of december, 2012 are here... some ridiculous pablum, some intense truth, some revealing secrets, some irreverent fun... and it is for you to judge, to assess, to evaluate, to ascertain, to read, to ask... it is for you to decide the value of every word, of each entry, of this month to remember...

may you find what you seek, or at least be amused :)

it only gets better

i mean, that is what we must believe, with emphasis... just look at the last two or maybe five or six entries, for crying out loud... gilbert godfried would have a horse, for crying out loud (more exaggerated the second time, please)... i swear i went to school with him, or someone just like him... what real people?... but seriously, why so serio?... before long we will be answering the really serio questions like why can't a man have a taint?... oh pppulleeasssse (pull what?... what he said)... no, really (again?), would you be embarrassed (bare assed?... please, only stvbs need apply) to be part of one of these entries?... well, that's why i don't use real names (no worries, your is safe with me...

mine too?... there's always hope...

you must have known the year would end with a blang :)

why so serio?

i mean, just cuz i really really really wanna know (how can i be sure, anyway?)... life is more than stvbs, after all (in fact it goes in and comes out of the other side, sheesh, do we have to shave you everything now?)... i believe he meant show you... but no, really, really, it's serio... help use please, we're all gonna die!... someday...

i'm just so lonely (play melodramatic music)...

hello? :}

such a sneaky blogger am i

shhhh, don't tell anybody that (especially not peter griffin, cuz peter can't keep a secret in his wife depended on it) i secretly snuck so sneakily back in time to previous entries so nobody would ever notice the subtle anti-cuts (which may well be editor speak for adding bits, perhaps... oh, now we're playing with each other's bits, are we?) that ever so seductively change the feel of the buzz...

and what ridiculousness have you been up to while i was away?... oh i know, i wasn't actually away too long, but you could have had a quickie... i love the way ziva says quickie, don't you?... ziva david, you know?... yes, another stvb references, you just don't know how sneaky i can be, do you?...

sleepy yet? :)

lots of emo lately

maybe not just lately, huh?... i mean, do i whine a lot more than i used to?... play out the drama cards more often too?... does it seem desperate around here more than it used to?... i wonder... was candora (sleepwriting) more or less positive, hopeful, sad?... a very few people have read both and could compare the feeling there with the feeling here... or candoor (behind the candoor)... or candor (which started in 2001 but then slept for 2 years), where was my head back then and what did it seem like to you?... i did actually make an attempt to keep the sadness and ptsd stuff in mostly dead, but i wonder, did it spill out in other places?... did i seem happy or sad in reatime(tm)?... maybe i have been a devastated ptsd sufferer in denial (and other rivers) since the mid-nineties and have just been fooling myself with the self-mockery and irreverence?... so who would know?... a very few, a very precious and few...

so how's life in canada?...

narf :}

so many small buttocks on tv

and so many big ones in real life... so many that it seems to be it is one of the prerequisites to be a tv star, night tight buns in expensive pants... we can call them stvb(s) for short... don't you want an stvb?... well, some don't... in fact some don't want an stvb so much they sings songs about it... and they won't lie, either... but i wonder if anybody ever counted how many butt shots are in each tv show... not the sitcoms as much as the dramas... i don't want sitcoms much... i am not complaining, mind you... in fact, physical appearance is one of the biggest draws for me to watch a show again after interesting characters, interactions, and decent story writing...

so why am i not exercising again?...

lol lam narf :)

excuses abound

yes a new buzz would definitely be on my wanna list and running would be the wisest way to go, but i also do not want to die just yet so i must be careful (and being careful has kept me sedentary for sooo long now)... ridiculous, but true... people die when doing vigorous exercise, ya know?... ridiculous, but true, ya know?...

but am i old yet?...

not inside, but there is a part of my mind letting me act quite old, and that is letting the body age more than it has to, and that is leading me to make excuses for the inactivity so what is it?... fear of death?... fear of stroke and vegetative state?... fear of injury?... fear of being alone and helpless?... fear fear fear, what is the point of fear when fear leads to destruction by inaction?... stupid stupid... who knew?... right...

oh course i know the answers... being lazy isn't a disease or big secret... it's just stupid... oh, how rude, huh?... wait, we're not done... and waiting for the one or the friend who will run with me and share every up and down of every day with me is not a big secret either, just even more stupid... or just as stupid... either way, the answer is obvious, no matter how well i ignore it... so now that we've exposed everything, what?...

hello, and how was your year? :)

wanna feel a new buzz

kinda like i wanna new drug, but i am not limiting this wanna to a drug... a new person, a new flavor, a new activity, a new anything that produces a new buzz will do nicely, just fine, yup right... someone falling in love with love might understand (and someone falling in love with love with me would be a new buzz i would welcome, though i'd want that to be a lot more than a mere buzz)... drugs were more fun when i was a teenager... teenager?... flashback?... feel a new buzz?... what?... peach fuzz?... peach beach?... shaved dolphin?... feel what?... where am i?)... oh sure, legalizing pot might do for a one night stand... alcohol and other drugs just don't seem to do it anymore... the last drug i took was an oxycodone for the broken ankle and i've got 29 left in the bottle, that sucked... and i need a break from sugar and caffeine come january...

of course the answer is blowing in the wind, like running...

duh...

exciting, sort of

football on tv is much more exciting when watching with a friend who is into football (and jackson is even more than i am)... even when two teams who are barely playoff contenders are involved, it's still fun to watch with her and we are both rooting for the same team which helps a lot too... at the risk of alienating all of texas, dallas does not deserve to be in the playoffs because the only thing more inconsistent than their defense is their quarterback who is the most overrated mediocre quarterback i can remember... i think the only reason people don't dis him is he is the long time dallas quarterback and dallas is still a popular team around the country, but why dallas keeps him is anybody's guess... they have not had a high level competitive team in many years and that is on front office management and coaching... the one year turn around in washington and other places is how to choose the right players and then let a good coach do his thing... ego at the top fuels ego throughout the team and that is not how a team wins... new england is a perfect example of keeping ego in check and getting the most out of every player... anyway, that's my football thought for tonight...

rah rah :)

yummy leftovers

the economical life continues and the taste buds are not disappointed as tonight pasta cheese and meatballs with buttered onion rolls was the yummy dinner and happiness had dinner and jackson had some other leftovers (xmas ham sandwiches on ciabatta bread with salad and she was a happy camper to as we watched some football and played words with friends and played with happiness and relaxed...

good to have a best friend at home :)

hungry

not hungary, but there's some good food there too... come to think of it, i don't recall hungary being in the top ten for countries visited for this blog... unfortunately, the google stats only provide the top ten for now, the day, the week, the month, and the year... these are the countries i am aware of (alphabetically): Australia, Belgium, Brazil, Canada, China, Columbia, France, Germany, India, Indonesia, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Japan, Korea, Latvia, Malaysia, Mexico, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Panama, Peru, Poland, Romania, Russia, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Ukraine, United Kingdom, US, Vietnam... so anybody from hungary ever visit?... i love your goolash and dobos and stuffed cabbage is an all-time favorite food, among lots of others... now i am even hungrier... hungarier?...


eat now lol :)

the fun life

is in the head... it is all about how you want it to be, what you choose to think about, and most of all, how you choose to see, how you choose to process the sensory input of life... so i took a long walk with happiness (no jog, just walk, hey, nobody's perfect and i strive to prove that every day, nyuk nyuk) and the cool crisp clean air (it's 54 and never got higher than 60 degrees today, wake up call ... or achy muscles whiny crap ... suddenly i choose wake up call... jog later?... who knows) inspired a smile and once again, the simple choice of where to live, florida, brings me back to the fun life... while the planet is suffering from choking pollution, there is no good reason for me to live where the air is more poisonous than here (not even to mention freezing half the year)... i did my time in nyc, now i remember that i love life in this climate...

even if it's all alone (wah wah wah :)

the bottom line change in mood from lonely and laughing at myself to joyous and laughing with myself is simply remembering it is my choice... so back on track to heading for a happy new year once again... now if i can only find a mind that can meet mine where we live, aye?... thanks happiness, thanks climate, thanks florida, and thanks to you for helping me remember too :)

why i don't use wordpress

every time i find myself wanting to comment on a wordpress site, i am asked for my password... and every time i enter my password, i am told it's the wrong password and i have to go through the email me my password process and by then, the comment, the page i was commenting, on, and any desire to comment is gone... not to mention the login takes me to my dashboard and whatever page i was commenting on is gone... that is not what i want any potential commenter on my blogs to have to go through... so i do not use wordpress, no question about it...

i mean, blogger has plenty of imperfections, but hopefully it does not make leaving a comment that challenging (especially since i removed the captcha thing)... and flaws and all, i am used to the interface... i still miss the simplicity of typing in notepad offline and ftp uploading entries like i did when i first started blogging on the web in the 90's, but it's not the time for exploring new techie methods for and my blah blah blah babbling...

techie entry, must be a nice break from all the emo, aye? :)

doggie balance

whenever i think i am too self-centered, i just look at happiness and realize that a dog (and most animals) are so much more self-centered because most of their minds only knows themselves... it's feed me... walk me... pet me... love me... or for some animals, leave me alone... and so, out the door to walk the dog again... as much as the selfish part of me wants me-time and wants someone to feed me, walk me, pet me, and love me (and make me #1 in their life), happiness keeps me a bit balanced as he drags me away from myself even as a voice inside cries not fair based on the i ain't got nobody feeling cuz i am nobody's #1...

hey, there's a lyric in there somewhere...

meanwhile, on the radio

meanwhile, on the radio (football), i am torn between chicago winning and losing (shhhh, jackson is a hard core die-hard chicago fan... she invests a lot of herself into her teams)... i am not a hard core fan of any team, but i like to see the giants win being a NYC born and raised (but nowadays ... what's that song?) child and like to see them do well... i like specific players and have been a tom brady fan since he came up as a 6th round draft pick (love the underdog) and i think the coach and ownership there has the best system so i route for new england most years, but don't feel crushed if anybody loses... i do feel the adrenaline and disappointment full force for a few minutes cuz i love the roller coaster... it's more about being intellectually right than any real bond with a city or team... for better or worse or whatever it means in the end after all the introspection and whatever judgments might come,, the detachment learned in childhood remains one of the most dominant forces or influences in this life...

oh sure, this is a fine time to start thinking i don't really have a bond with anything or anybody... yeah, too much self-sacrifice and not enough self-indulgence... food, sure, but there's more to life than food, ya know?... so who am i telling?... i really ought to start listening to myself, aye?... write? ... uh-huh ... lol... lam... laa... as if...

so much self-mockery and laughter, can sanity survive? :)

yeah, so whatever la la la

distracting myself right from the title?... what?... wow, huh?... yeah, not even enjoying the psuedo drama (which gets a chuckle out of myself)... happiness is stirring for more attention even though he's been out a few times already... he's also begging for food even though he has dry food in his bowl... he doesn't eat the dry when it's under the canned food, which is why i put it on top and add a little water to mix the flavors and make it more challenging to nudge the dry out of the bowl and all over the kitchen floor (cuz the water makes the dry stick to his mouth so he eats it lol)... that dang prescription food is so expensive, it's a crime...

i've been sending jackson updates on the football in text but she's at practice so no answer... i sense loneliness clouds blowing in and will just have to enjoy the storm as the next few days roll by (remember, the reality in the physical space is a whole lot funnier and more fun than the words so far today... the words are how i release the lonelies and blahs and all this stuff... yes, you are the lucky reader of all this crap i dump here... but seriously, do you understand how important you are to me now?... i mean, without you, i would feel like this was all a waste of time when i get in these blah blah blah worm-eating moods... the worms taste so much better with you here :)

so what's going on in your world, huh huh huh? :)

football at home

alone, alas, cuz jackson woke early to go to church and then she went to softball practice and i decided it was not time to test the arm just yet (i'd rather just try throwing with her or someone at home before i gear myself up to go to a practice without even knowing how throwing will feel cuz that's just more disappointment than necessary and then standing around watching would feel even worse)... she texted and said she'd be home later so she may be going to sanford's or hanging with the team after and i'm sitting here wondering why i am alone, aye?...

the football sucks cuz two meaningless games are on tv because tv keeps nfl games local and local teams suck and all the meaningful games are only on radio so i am listening to radio...

it's really a much better afternoon than it may read lol lam laa :)

multiple parties

there was a time i would travel from party to party on new years even with a best friend or with a group of people and occasionally by myself, but without a partner and with the traffic and distances and early-to-bed people, i am choosing one party for tomorrow's new year's even and alas, it's the smallest of the parties, but it's jackson's party, the first she is helping to make in many years... so much bittersweet...

jane just woke me... she called to find out if i was going to the biggest of the parties, an outdoor, torch-lit, pig-roasting 100+ person party (that is scheduled to go from 7pm-1am?... ah, there's the rub)... i told her i am going to jackson's even though i would like the opportunities for social life expansion at that huge party... and spending time with jane is fun of all the friends i have, she's the one who inspires me to wake up and feel this body the most, but it's not been enough to want a romantic relationship with her mostly cuz she's a great friend... and we know how compromising with a friend has turned out in the past and she's too good a friend to risk losing, so...

and the sunday morning softball team is having a new years party too, but i don't know about the times planned and though they are a great bunch of guys, there's less people and less chance for expanding social life and less close friends so it must be third on the party list (higher than others that are more public-ish, but still third cuz of the familiarity with friends at the other two)...

and then there's the game friends party, one of the ones i went to last year (and where i spent midnight) which is always fun and has almost as many potential social expansion opportunities (and i don't just mean a midnight make-out lol, but that is the farthest to drive to (though there is one other that is farther but i hardly see those people anymore, they are a kind of broken-apart group that used to be an atheist group) and i'll only stop in there after midnight if they are going for a few more hours...


and then there's jackson's party and i know she'd be sad (maybe upset) if i didn't go even though there is no chance of any social life expansion there cuz i know the few people going well and they are great people, but not anyone new...

so the bittersweet is remaining stagnant in social life so i can be at jackson's party, especially for the midnight ball dropping cuz she wants me there and she is my best friend and it is the party with the least driving and... she usually goes to sleep early though, so i'll probably head up to one of the two farther away parties when she crashes...

and that brings us to the after-party break-out from the games group party that goes until morning which will probably where i will go after jackson's party goes to bed...

there are other more public parties i am welcome at through meetup and facebook and others, but i've already got more choices than i can go to reasonably, so i shall enjoy the two i choose... i'll miss seeing jane (she's another early-to-bed girl) and a few other people, but fun will be had...

perhaps the 2013 resolution (not that i make any) will be to make choices that give me the best possibilities of expanding social life, aye?...

there may be more

entries, that is... more entries added to the entries already added to this blog (some, perhaps, prior to this one cuz everybody loves a mystery or scavenger hunt from time to time, maybe) because, after all, the babbler has gone quite mad with all this brevity and trivial pursuit of as much detail of daily life as can be recorded in words in the time allotted for the writing (and being currently unemployed, much time is available, lucky you, aye?) and the flow may at times seem like a blather of pontification (do please let me know when that happens, ok?) or a plethora of self-mocking nonsense or semi-simply a report on those mundane details of life that put us to sleep (hey, it's healthier than drugs, ya know?) but whatever it is, it is and there may be more...

just thought i'd be informative, or something like that...

narf :)

will 2013 be unlucky?

hey all you number freaks out there (and the rest of you too... especially those afraid of the maths), are you superstitious about the number 13?... do you think the coming year will be somehow unlucky?... superstitions are not the way for me (with apologies to stevie wonder), so the number of the year will not matter much... in fact, when you consider it will be 2013 on just the one calendar we arbitrarily chose as the date tracking system we use at the moment in our culture, the number becomes even less meaningful... it's like 5773 in the jewish calendar and 2556 in the buddhist calendar and 6762 in the assyrian calendar and 1434 in the islamic calendar and 4345 in the korean calendar and here's a whole bunch of them) and more and still more... the year is quiet an arbitrary number depending on when you start counting...

for all we know it could be the year 131313 on some calendar...

would that be even scarier? :)

when all else fails

babble... maybe that is my way of punting, but the feeling i get when i look to the west is one of winning, not just handing the ball over to someone else, so it's not like punting at all, actually, at least not for me... whatever babble might be for you (some say annoying, some say genius, some say other things, but who am i tp tell anyone how to judge me or my writings, aye?), it is the sweet release of endorphin and emotions and thoughts that, if not released, would be compressed and being electrical impulses, they would overload the synapses and create all sorts of havok in my brain, so i babble to stay brain healthy... it's very much like the physical exercise that, at the moment, i don't do for the body... at least i keep the mind alive and kicking...

i welcome your babble :)

sweet delusions

meanwhile, in the fantasy world where i am extremely popular and well-to-do, for some reason this same entry mentioned in the previous entry (now linked here for the third time in two entries) has received almost a hundred page views in the past week... and this lonelier one received only a few less in the past month... those pesky spambots sure know how to stroke a ridiculously easy-to-please ego lol lam :)

ah, samson, leave my my delusions lol lam las laa :)

narf :)

conditions

perhaps the seriousness of my pathetic condition might be overlooked by those closest (if anybody is, but then, what is closeness, intimacy?... or simply knowing... and what is knowing?... following all the leads, links, and paying attention and asking and what?... ah, perhaps the links to more links in the for those paying attention section on the right might offer the start of an answer), but as everything is relative, who is to truly judge what is and what is not?...

after all, i could be the happiest person on the most depressed planet in the universe :}

narf :)

so maybe i ought to sleep now

with sticking hung from the, wait, i mean with entries scheduled for the rest of the morning and perhaps into the afternoon, i can relax the brain and the ego and lay down to float away into peaceful slumber (if not so golden) and therein wake some time tomorrow to watch some football and enjoy so food and do the basic life tasks in the bathroom and if anybody is around outside the bedroom door, spend some time with whomever is around outside the bedroom door... and i hope you find time to read all about it and then some in the previous entries and all the wandering blogs linked along the way... and i hope you share some of your life too... it's been another wonderful roller coaster day... hope it was good for you too...

nite nite :)

spam comments

for some reason this bullsugar post was blessed or cursed or simply visited by the ghosts of spam past a couple of days ago, on the 28th, as if it matters (might matter to a sleuth with the means of tracking spammers, but not being one, whatever, ya know?)... spam has definitely increased since turning off that captcha thing... i marked all of them but one as spam (left one to look at again as the link was a bit more puzzling, though still smelled of spam)... each comment had a different website link in it (and google's spam assist system continued so i wonder (and pose to you) what is it about this entry that is should receive eleven comments on one date from apparently different websites?...

the puzzles that haunt the night, aye? :)

and a bit better, perhaps

yes, woke on the couch in a slightly cramped configuration and moved the body into the big green chair in the bedroom and drank some water and after catching up on the previous entries, i might take a hot shower (imagining it to be hotter) cuz i am sniffling which is a sure sign of something (chemical imbalance, too much chocolate, something) and hot showers often help when they are hot enough...

it is approaching the heart's witching our for me anyway, so i might as well wake-dream as sleep-dreaming is hardly remembered... but definitely rem sleep after, definitely...

oh, and if the spam comment left for this entry was not really spam and somehow had a connection with the one, well, wish you were here, ya know? :)

google spam

the spam briefly mentioned here was some youtube video in spanish about how to seduce girls, or something like that... yes, spam arrived and i deleted it after first publishing it... i had to publish it to see what it was about...

so it is definitely partly google spam...

see, google's comment moderation system does not allow me to see if there is a link in a comment, a dangerous flaw in the google - blogger - blogspot comment moderation system that could lead to malware or viruses or who knows what... i mean, google is helping the spammer by hiding the fact that there is a link in a comment... bad google, go sit in the corner and work out a better comment moderation system that offers better protection from whatever a moderation system is protecting us from, m'ok?...

still fun offline :)

after dinner

the spam briefly mentioned here will be discussed later... meanwhile, the overdoing it with snacks like sugars and alcohol and more sugars in the alcohol and chocolate and more sugars in the chocolate and... once again a pain in the neck and headache and maybe it's partly a reaction to sugars but it happens without overdoing snacking so whatever, it's still a reaction to lack of exercise and sitting at the computer too much...

so jackson and sanford and the dogs went to bed and i tried to get into a comfortable position to stop the pain without moving or shower or exercise cuz the sugar was also producing a somnolent reaction... so i am sort of nodding off while listening to the end of the last bowl game of the day and msu budged out tcu by a point on a 47 yard field goal with 61 seconds left... fun, exciting, and yay for the team i rooted for...

silly body, you really should enjoy life more without the pains...

still smiley days and nights :)

and some tv football

what i left out from snacks, adult drinks, food, dogs, friends was bowl season, that is, college bowl games... and spam... i'll explain after dinner... bowls games is not march madness, though almost on some levels, except it's not a tournament... it's like dozens of parties thrown in dozens of cities for a span of a few weeks culminating in at least a dozen parties over the new year's weekend and a few more (like fireworks finale) spread over the week after new years... i like watching a bit here and there and catching the summaries :)

meanwhile, dinner was good... salmon burgers, or so jackson's recipe said... they were salmon croquettes as far as i was concerned, except she drilled them instead of oil-frying them (kinda like potato pancakes except with salmon) and i'd have left the lemon out (not my favorite) next time and done a little tinkering with spices and used more salmony salmon, but that's just my particular new york ethnic taste buds trained to like more spice and flavors and it was still very yummy, especially on the ciabatta bread jackson chose... i love ciabatta bread... and i love jackson, so whatever she makes is better just cuz she made it so there... and some salad... we had salad... but not quite enough food so i snacked lots... and overdid the snacking... and crashed and still, yay for dinner with friends and we watched some college football bowl games...

yes, fun :)

snacks, adult drinks, food, dogs, friends

we went out to get some adult beverages for them and i got some wine and some hard lemonade and smirnoff stuff (pineapple and black cherry, not into the alcohol but into the sweets) and some chips and chocolate for dessert (cuz they have lots of the chocolate jackson loves, caramels and nuts, and i like plain milk chocolate so lindts for me)... they went back to sanford's to pick up some stuff for sanford's dog that she forgot and i am relaxing with snacks... yummy snacks...

hope you are enjoying your evening when your evening becomes evening if it isn't already evening where you are :)

productivity, aye?

the arm is feeling good enough to fold and hang up laundry (though i am using my left arm a lot more and hanging stuff with my left arm) and so i cleared off the big green chair (still have a couple of bins that need washing) and folded or hung up most of the clean wash (some stuff will need re-washing since i don't iron these days)... there's still stuff on the far side of the bed that i will leave for later or another day, reaching for it can wait as the arm can use some rest... but yay for arm healing... whether it will actually be ready to play come the practices scheduled by two of the teams for next weekend, we shall see... resting until the tournament at the end of the month seems wise... it will be a busy time as we will be moving around then too (though i will be paying for movers as the arm is not ready for moving heavy furniture and boxes), but at least this tourney is local... there is a morning 5k the day of the tourney too and we paid for that so we will be doing that, so it will be a busy weekend (and hopefully no early am game for us)...

anyway, big smiles for productivity around here and setting up comfy bedroom space so jackson can enjoy the living room with sanford and clan (their big dog is coming over for the night too... friendly older dog, but big so space will be kinda cramped but we'll be careful not to step on anybody :)

fun fun fun :)

ah, lunch is good

yes, full belly makes life so much smilier... ate the leftover prime rib jackson brought back from her family xmas and a half a slice of leftover pizza... yum... now the world is so much more satisfying (i actually went in for my nap earlier hungry and was a bit grumpy to find no way to eat when i woke cuz jackson was cleaning the kitchen and the oven was in 3-hour cleaning mode and anyway, all better now :)

lots of electric in use today, air conditioner on cuz the oven cleaning and laundry heats up the house (it's 78 in here and 75 outside, but the apartment heated up)... so what to do?... laundry stopped cuz jackson has stuff in process, could do some more room cleaning (but this is new years weekend and i have weekdays to do that)... could go out to friends... but laziness and frugality will probably keep me here... happiness is back so i can play with him... and i'll just find stuff to do around here and amuse myself (cuz that's what i am best at anyway, aye? :)

hope you are enjoying your day too :)

uncertain day

slept on and off... was gonna stay up after a morning nap and keep doing laundry cuz jackson said she didn't need to and this was the first day jackson was home in more than a week but jackson said was she would be here all day doing stuff cuz she had a lot to do and i should go nap cuz there's lots of college football on today we planned on listening to and occasionally watching...

woke a couple of hours later and the place was busy as sanford and jett (sanford's daughter) was here... no place to sit in the living room (we really more seating and space in the living room, another reason to move) cuz jackson put my laundry on the love seat, so i took my laundry to fold it but i could see i was in the way of jackson's cleaning so i took the laundry into my room for a few to fold it... she apparently had laundry to do after all so mine will wait... no biggy, i'm not working after all... and she's happy getting stuff done and being with sanford...

when i came back out they were going out but they said we are having salmon burgers for dinner... well, they are having salmon burgers for dinner and i will see what the salmon burgers look like... maybe croquettes?... not sure when they will be back or what the plans are for the evening... jackson says football but sanford and jett are not into football so we shall see... guess i've got to start making other plans for weekends more often, aye? :)

roll with the changes :)

waiting

not sure what the evening plans will be since plans changed while i slept (life does that all the time to day sleepers and i've been a day sleeper for a long time... it's like waking in a car that was on a road trip and exploring the moment where you are with everything changed :)

they went to the mall (like we have money to spend lol... i've got to budget-tighten even more cuz jackson doesn't know how... i love her, but without income i have to stop the casual spending and encourage her to so she can help with the bills which are between $1500-$2000 a month most months, but i pay for all the utilities, cable, internet, and and she tries to give half the rent... i keep thinking about cancelling cable, internet, and phone bills to cut back to minimum {like cheap internet, no cable, and just my single line phone instead of five lines with me paying for four most months} stop, no money talk, it's pointless and no fun)... not sure if they are coming back soon or later...

could take the laptop into my room, clear of the big green chair (that was the purpose of laundry anyway, but i can just put the laundry on the floor), and it'll be like old times :)

food, i am hungry now though, so to the fridge...

lots of laundry, and some nuts

cashews, to be precise... and many loads of laundry were run through the process with a few more potential loads piled on the bed and big green chair (remember the big green chair?)... the chair pile is small and needs washing... the bed piles were clean when they were tossed on the bed, but some have been slept on and therefore, by scientific method, may have some of my kooties on them... or cooties, depending on the spellchecker you use or part of the planet you are from...

lots of folding too... secrets, yes, it doesn't get much more exciting than staying up all friday night doing laundry with old rock and rollers playing in the background and lightly sprinkled with nuts... cashews, to be precise...

in case i am still asleep

and it is likely since i was still doing laundry as 8am was approaching this morning listening the the who play on the isle of wight in 1970, rather historic times for music... and the wonder of you, a decade before, was that you would come to me in a dream and wet or dry, we'd have a tripping good time... it rained last night, but happiness's bed finally dried after sewing repairs and washing... pooper peed in his bed and it took a while to get it cleaned as the inside needed sewing repair (you might have read about it in rolling stone magazine)... no secret...

the charlie brown tree on the coffee table is cool... the chocolate tastes better though... don't swing from the chandelier without washing your hands...

the end of the year is approaching

and it's alright (what song are you hearing?)... do you know it?... of course you know it... the excitement can barely be contained, kind of like a neil young song sung by josh groban... of jackson browne, for that matter... but some people really have no business singing for money, at least not for my money... i mean, there's just one joe cocker and one bob dylan and they found their mountain, so all the wanna-be bad-singers-made-good really ought to quit if they have not made it by the time they get to phoenix... it was sweet that crosby, stills, and nash was introduced by elton john at the neil young music cares tribute, but why did nash walk off so abruptly?... and when did elvis costello become leonard cohen?... and elton and leon looked like two surreal bookends out of sgt pepper or something...

maybe it's the beatles pj pants has me flashing back on some mid altering substance...

gotta love it, cuz it's mine :)

stay amused

hey, we don't always have to be serious, as astrology can attest (daddy, will you tell me a strology?), so leave us not get bogged down in . . . secrets, aye?...

i hope i was sleeping when this found you :)

if so, i might be back for more...

narf :)

what's in the sky?

some say heaven, some say stardust, some say all sorts of rocks and gas and a bit of liquids too... i love the sky... i love the night sky more than the day sky, but i love the sky anytime... and as superficial as that seems, and as superficial as if might be, and as irrelevant as the odd mix of neil young music cares tribute singers sound on in the background, this paragraph is simply an introduction to this bit of descriptive prose from one of my many astrological readings... many, you see, because i do not know my time of birth and without that, it's at least a 24-1 shot to get anything right... this reading is a dozen paragraphs long, at least, but this paragraph seems at least mostly accurate according to jackson... she ought to know...

in case of boredom . . . click here (then keep clicking)

Rising Sign is in 23 Degrees Sagittarius

You are known for being open, frank, outgoing and honest. At times, though, you are also blunt and quite indiscreet. Others have to learn not to take everything you say personally, because you usually do not mean any harm. You appreciate living your life in a straightforward and simple manner -- you dislike social niceties and consider them to be hindrances to real communication. You have lots and lots of energy and tend to become quite restless if you feel confined. You demand the freedom to do as you choose -- you must be self- directed or you feel trapped and anxious. With your abundant energy, you enjoy being outdoors, and you should be attracted to physical exercise or to those forms of sport which can help you burn off some of that excess energy. Very gregarious, you love to socialize -- your innate enthusiasm livens up any gathering.

wait, what about the sex?...

a serious moment

not here, it was elsewhere, but i put a few serious moments together in my head and shared them with an old friend and you know, only for a moment but the moment's gone... more than dust in a wind though, it was a reminder for the ones who disconnect... rhetoric, perhaps, but there is always hope it will touch a nerve that wakes the sleeping writer to once again wake up and communicate...

and secrets linked here . . . sorta

hey, anything is possible in cartoons :)

laundry ho!

yeah, suddenly i am folding laundry and washing clothes... i haven't folded laundry in weeks since folding takes two arms relatively extended and the right arm was not extending, but i decided to try tonight and folding i am... not without sloppiness and not with any measure of fine folding and everything will be wrinkled except that which i either hang up or wash again, but it is a good thing to remove the piles and bins of clean clothes and put them in the closet or on shelves where they sort of belong... might even reduce the clutter and clear the bed... maybe...

more meaningfulness linked here . . . if you want it

it's a good night, hope yours is too :)

no secret, really

do you want to know a secret?... do you promise not to tell, oh wa oh, oh, closer... the motivation for living for me is to love... to care... and to share the love and caring... there's a difference between love and caring, if we want to define, but not tonight... i just want to love and care tonight... just want to love and care...

secrets are destroying the world... no secret, really... not if you are willing to explore deeply enough... everything is out there, all knowledge (including all about me)... but secrets abound when we don't make the time to explore enough... foolishly some get upset, even paranoid about what they do not know when to know, all they have to do is take the time to explore, open their mind, and welcome the information... try not to forget how to do that, it's not good for you or other living things...

let your love shine and open your mind and you will find that life is kind and all you want to know is yours when you leave your fear behind and let your love shine and open your mind... it's no secret, no... no secret at all, really...

alright now

as in, friday did not disappoint... not that there was all sorts of brilliance (though maybe a touch of it?... well well, maybe?) there certainly were enough entries to satisfy the babbler (though not the insatiable babbler, but then, nothing satisfies the insatiable, who is not a cousin of the abominable, after all, we don't even like snow except for brief visits... and yes, the insatiable is not nearly only about babbling, but not every entry is about sex, after all)...

hopefully the rest of the night will be as wonderful as the wonderful feeling part of tonight and not the achy breaky crappy pain in the neck past of the past two days... not gonna ignore the body, nope, not gonna be too sedentary, nope, not gonna forget there's laundry in the washer and dryer, ummmmm...

i'll be back :)

much better, thanks

yes, the head is much better... as is the neck... though the ear is still ringing off the hook, but the combination of movement and poop was just what the body and head needed... not just, as in all or only what the head and body needed, cuz it definitely also needs a solid year of running a few miles daily as well as sharing daily passionate sexuality and also sensitive nursing and compassionate comforting would be what the body (and mind) also needs, but two thirds of that requires a second person so... yes, i can and could and should do the walking running myself, shadap...

message to self: please stop ignoring the body...

thanks :}

chocolate overload

yes, too much chocolate is possible (what?... is this the bizarro world?) and the head started pounding and neck aching and all that sugar overload stuff... i shall move around a bit and start laundry and poop (hey, shit happens) and hopefully a better head will come around quick cuz i definitely do not want a repeat of last night... if necessary, i will go out for a walk, maybe even a run...

yes, desperate days (even as i laugh at myself for doing this to myself)...

ah, yummy pizza and chocolate

after giving sanford some pepto bismol (cuz she's got a tummy ache from vicodin she's taking for a bad abscess from a poorly done 5-year-old root canal... yeah, she's gonna seek compensation from the former dentist for at least the current dental bills), she felt good enough to have a slice of pizza so we ordered yummy pizza (the avalanche pie, which is triple cheese and a choice of three toppings) and we had assorted xmas chocolates for dessert... she surprised me with gifts, three of them from her and her daughter... i had nothing for her cuz i only bought for jackson this year cuz i am sans income, but we are not thinking about money, remember?), so i felt bittersweet goodness... she is a good person...

and relaxing with college football on tv, sanford nodded off (poor baby, tooth pain is so not fun, jackson bounced around unpacking, tidying, and sitting on and off, and i sat down here to catch up with you wonderful people...

feeling better, for the moment...

awake and wobbly

but a shower helps tremendously, mostly because the hot water (not nearly hot enough, but that too will be remedied in the new apartment... see, there is a reason, in fact, several good reasons for my taking on what on the surface appears to be a ridiculously irresponsible and impractical expense of moving {likely more than $2000} during a period of no income... sigh, but i'd rather not think about money these days, ok?) forced some exercise, if just isometric, and so feeling better happened... and now i await jackson who should be home from work soon and sanford who is bringing happiness back and then, we shall choose something for dinner...

it is good to feel better, even when wobbly :)

adoring fans, i love you

as long as you know it's illusion, illusion is cool... so i love the page visit numbers because i choose to believe every one of the page views is someone reading and finding value in the words and i so appreciate that... and when i want to give ego an orgasm, i expand each page view to a thousand avid fans screaming as if i was one of the beatles or mivhael getting off a plane and the girls are passing out and throwing underwear and the guys are dreaming of being me and throwing underwear (hey, it's a new world) and ego basks as only ego can... of course it is momentary (and i know it's illusion, but shhhh, don't tell) and i return to reality (unlike most people, alas) until ego wants another orgasm, but it's a blast for the moment...

so seriously thank you for visiting and i hope you do find something meaningful in the time you spend here :)

lumpy bed

yeah, ya see, i went back to sleep, but it does not help that the bed is quite lumpy... oh, i didn't mention that earlier?... laundry, towels, sleets in a bunch, and the plastic still on the mattress... all that will change next month when we move, but it is a deliberate (unplanned) undermining of sleep and continued evidence of the self-destructive patterns, habits, and behaviors that have destroyed me for oh these many years as i finally forgot the face of my father (as if i ever had one) and became human... being human, self-destruction is the way... superstition too, though i don't give much cred to that... is there anybody going to listen to my story? la la la...

narf :}

making whine

who wants to play with the old man's body?... who wants to care as the body ages?... who wants to consider me a hottie?... who wants to drink these sorrowful pages?... and then there is the mind, i want to be kind, but i look around to find i am amidst the deaf, dumb, and blind... i don't want the delusions so many choose to think of as reality... i don't want the poisons so many choose to drink to find a fantasy... i don't want the confusion of leaving the rational mind, behind, resigned...

i just want to share peace, love, and happiness in a free and honest mind... open your mind... can you share peace love and happiness in a free and honest mind?... can you open your mind?... share an open mind...

until i do i will continue... making whine...

maybe it's diet

of course it's diet, but not diet alone... everything effects the affect... everything is connected... except when the synapses forget or pretend the answers cannot be found, the connections break down and the result is human frailty, human failure, and humility... this is also known as aging, which is a choice i am making, to let go of my life (we are the world), just like most everybody else... fitting in feels like crap...

exercise is the essential missing ingredient... no big secret...

the secret is where did motivation go?...

wake, ache, roll, sleep

that's the way it is today... some days are like this... sleep does not feel good and i just roll (carefully, as the arm is still very sore in a specific spot) and keep the eyes closed and ignore the aches, the neck, the head, the back, the arm, and the ear ringing, and dive headlong back into sleep... sleep keeps coming back, but just does not get the real rem restfulness that it does most of the time... whatever the potential cause, physic, mental, emotional, psychological, environmental, cosmological, extraterrestrial, cartoons, the result is quite similar, the anvil is falling and the head is pounding and the body is aching and the bed feels like a rock... most days, the bed is cushy and the body is floating and the head is gone and the anvil is no where in sight...

dang coyote :}

dreaming of sleep

yes, it is one of those days in which i will almost sleep write, but what we find most is the dreams of love are quite quiet, still distant even, like another time, while the dreams of despair oh worra are bubbling under the surface but not exactly meeting today as the babbling i do here (and used to do here and here (and other places) has replaced coherent conscious awareness, alas, what to do, what to do...

is there still hope?... always :)

push the sleep

it is one of those nights, or was, and now, it is one of those mornings... i went to bed and fell right to sleep as i usually do but woke in discomfort way sooner than i usually do... the body is telling me that i am too sedentary, no doubt about that... so i should be letting the body talk> more often and listening so i don't sit here pretending i don't know why the body aches or does not feel good or complain about symptoms of my own inaction... yeah, that's giving it to me... meanwhile, i roll over again to adjust for aches, and fall back to sleep...

are we moving enough?... not today... hope you are :}

dang pain in the neck

it is one of those nights where sleep would have been wise and welcome, but the neck ache kept me awake... the tinnitus is just as bad... so i laid on the couch watching st:ng for hours remembering what i like and don't like about that show and it's not gotten any better... in fact, the neck ache spread into the headache and the tinnitus is even worse... some nights are like this... probably too sedentary today... all the health speculations can come and ago as long as i don't go to the doctor for tests and i am not doing that without health insurance and i am not having that without a full time job so i just pass through these nights with the pain and focus on the positive... i suppose i ought to have taken the hot shower hours ago and turned off the tv, but hey, i don't always do what is best...

maybe it's the drop in temperature...

those wacky numbers

wanting some sleep again, i shall not to what i did last weekend (set up entries to upload every hour), at least not tonight, and therein perhaps not meet that 4,000 visit mark but hey, the numbers are not always as meaningful as they can be when ego and illusion get a hold of them... and there's always next month, or year, for that matter... i do appreciate you spreading the word about the amazing stuff you find here... i will return to the race for most insatiably infinite ego in the multiverses any day now... of course the numbers noted in this entry are counting thousands of views, i mean, we have millions of avid fans each day, ya know... and ego loves each and every one, nyuk nyuk narf...

nite nite :)

seriously, friday already?

rather astounding, actually, that this whole week flew by and it time just seemed to merge into one long day... since like before xmas, in fact, since last week... it's largely because i am alone and sleeping as i please more than usual the last week and especially the past 24 hours with both jackson and happiness gone, but still it did not feel like a it was friday already... this time of not working is having the wonderful effect of removing time from the equation of daily life...

it's a wonderful experience, experiencing life without time... even more wonderful when shared, but i seldom meet anyone who can do it... it requires a disconnect, at least temporarily, from everything and everyone that connects to time... and this wee i have gotten closer to that than i have in quite some time... oh what a few weeks out in the middle of nowhere might do... and here now and there too i will be smiling...

wish you were here :)

excitement from nothing

yummy lasagna and meatballs and buttered onion rolls... yes, again... i did not feel like prime ribs or ham or anything else that is already cooked in the fridge... and yummy is excellent... chocolate milk seems right for dessert too... and a steamy hot meal was right too... i closed the porch door cuz the temperature dropped below 50 degrees and is supposed to go closer to 40 degrees... wonderful change of pace, but definitely a clear reminder for me that i prefer to live no further north than i am at this moment... further south would be nice if anyone has an offer in a year or two... california and the west coast would be sweet as well... of course if the one wanted to live outside of the us, i'd happily be there... and to the question of what if the one hated heat and loved snowy cold, we must realize that physical compatibility is one aspect of being the one and loving heat, including body sweat and humidity and all that comes with heat, is essential to physical compatibility... from my experience, most people ignore climate (and a lot of other details of life's experience) a lot more than i do... hawaii?...

i am ready to retire to a tropical life surviving on the fruits of the jungle, living on the land, or something like that... anybody? :)

we have so much catching up to do

i mean, two of you have read almost every entry this month (yeah, some entries only had one page view), but for the last few days the other five or six of you who have been visiting regularly this month have not been around and we miss you (me and my imaginary entourage) so i hope you return soon... and someday (time for a holiday wish) i hope to know which entries are your favorite entries so i might know which entries actually were worth reading more than other entries (why can be the next wish)...

i also want strutz and some belly wrap i saw on tv... and a real doll that looks like, ummmm, actually, several real dolls that look like libbo's top five, or ten visual people attractions... even more, i'd like introductions to those ten people, but i suppose the struts would be more realistic :)

actually, i don't know if i would use any of those things... except the introductions to actual people... what i want is motivation to exercise more and a partner to spend the end of days with... not the world's end of days, my end of days... i've got to die sooner or later, so i hope to share the challenges that can come with the end of days... but humans are so afraid of the end of days, i don't even use the word (death) cuz, well, fear keeps people away and few would even want to read this paragraph and will seek to click to be somewhere else...

catching up yet? :)

slow day, but new faces

hope you catch up on today at least this one cuz it is supposed to be continued and should have some deeper meaningful reflection about the writing i do and have done over the years, decades, even (unlike this one which kind of mocks me more, but isn't that what we're here for (sometimes?)... some of the entries may have actually been amusing today, though others, well, fall more into the nevermind category...

today was a really slow reading day around here, the first day under 100 page views in more than a week and the third slowest day of the month (67 page views... there was a 62 and a 57 a couple of weeks ago, but the average remains over 100 and was approaching 150 for a while)... while we are pretty well locked into the record for most views in a month for this blog (2,310), we have the chance to reach 4,000 page views if we have lots of readers visiting in the last few days of the month... but i mean lots, we'd probably need new daily records each of the last few days cuz the last few days of last month set records... we will likely not get here again, probably... i wonder what sort of impact could this babble be having on thousands of viewers?...

Belgium and Slovakia joined the places you dear people are coming from this week... Ireland, Indonesia, Thailand, Panama, Israel, Italy, Norway, Vietnam, Korea, Taiwan, Singapore, New Zealand, Mexico, Columbia, Peru, Brazil, Switzerland, Australia, India, Poland, China, Japan, Malaysia, Sweden, Latvia, Ukraine, France, Canada, United Kingdom, Netherlands, Germany, Romania, Russia, (who am i leaving out?) and from all over the US... it's really is a wonderful world and i so wish we could all come together for a night of fun, food, and friends someday...

yay for you for being here :)

SNL

we love it, we being all the people who live in my head and it, in this particular entry, are afternoon naps... since last night i have been watching (though sleeping through a lot of it) SNL which remains one of my favorite shows of all tv shows, though the 75-80 cast tops all others by far for me and i realize that i missed a lot of the 2000 shows when the 2001 season and first show after 9/11 came on... the 75-79 cast was the only cast in which i did not have cast members i just didn't like, all the others had what, for me, were big weak spots... but it remains my favorite comedy show...

it was good to wake up to SNL...

afternoon naps

at the moment i was loving an afternoon nap :)

the challenge (or one of them)

once upon a time the challenge was how to say i love you every day or more often and never quite say it the same way twice so it did not become boring or monotonous or repulsive, even... from the beginning, the writer's absolute unconditional trust of the babble lead the way into the magic and wonder of whatever came to mind...

sleepus interruptus

back later...

the next entry

as the last few entries that were not there until after the next entry was uploaded (or do you prefer posted, anyway) demonstrate, there are a gazillion ways to to say anything and even more ways to say nothing, but seriously, the challenge the entry after this one is to find words to say the same basic thing in different ways so the meaning of the message is not diluted through repetition and as the entry following the entry you are reading clearly demonstrates, that challenge can be quite, ummm, challenging...

it can be amazing when you do it though...

reading madness

do you ever, after reading something, wonder why you read something?... you might have reading madness... reading madness is a condition in which you are compelled to read wherever you can find that has words in it and in it's later stages you may find yourself desperately trying to read things that have no words in it but that's ok, it's a thirst for knowledge that drives you, compels you, and you don't need an exorcism...

you might need reading glasses somewhere down the road...

but no exorcism...

titles are underrated

sometimes i just type words and let the words fall one after the other into the box that makes the entry appear and sometimes i don't even use the box because, after all, the box is a newfangled invention provided by the internet and for many more years than i've been posting online i wrote in word processing software and for many more years than there was word processing software i wrote with pens and paper and for many more years before i wrote with pen and paper i wrote with chisel and stone and for many more years before i wrote with chisel and stone i was waiting for the universe to big bang so i could start writing outside of my mind because for many more years than the universe has been around i was writing in my mind...

and i didn't even use titles back then...

sleepus interruptus

it happened during this entry, whatever it might have been, though honestly those were two different its and both have some validity though one was and is more tongue in cheek than the other and i will be obscure about which is which at least in this introductory paragraph...

it happens when i decide to walk away from the computer to lay on the couch and watch something on tv like the snl 2008 presidential bash, for instance, and i feel sleep simply insists on arriving and i decide to let sleep come without getting up to conclude or even just temporarily upload the entry as i did here...

it happens sometimes... and the sleep is sooo sweet, it's worth it :)

so there we have it

whatever it is, we have it... the entries prior have been updated and explanations and whatever else has been added, it too... because more words are better, of course... and someday, when my princess comes, she'll be an editor and delete 98% of the words and what will be left will be the essence, the words that shall save the world... enlighten humanity... and make sense of the universe... i know, everyone is waiting... but you can't rush genius... or the one, for that matter...

kit kats are so delicious...

meanwhile, the tv was uninteresting tonight... i flipped through and found snl and i am remembering that dana carvey was a genius on snl... and i wonder why his brilliant ability to impersonate others is not more visible in the land of tv and movies... he seems to have semi-retired... or maybe his brilliance for imitation does not transfer over to movies well... there's got to be a place for his talent... find him the right vehicle, that's the ticket (oh wait, that was lovitz's line)... yeah, so start sending your ideas in now and we'll get dana's talent back in the public eye where it belongs...

it?...

yumminess

yes, the lasagna (with extra cheeses) and the meatballs (in spite of the fennel) was delicious... the yummy buttered onion roll helped... and water, again, yay water, no extra sugar calories in the drink, yay will power... i drank some grapefruit juice earlier, but that's the only calories from drink today and that's a big yay change of habit... well, not that the habit or love of code red has changed, i had some xmas eve after all, but yay for today anyway... yay for today (all together now) yay for today :)

ah, so the minutia of daily details are back (how long can you stand it?) and while that does not mean all the wah wah poor me lonely boy introspections are gone (see?), it's a sign that, well, it's a sign of something... the fact that i am not creating a rational explanation of just what that sign might be is a sign too...

oh?

it just may be time to update entries now (perhaps i'll update what i mean by that later now... see, i sometimes write an entry in a hurry or scribble words on a napkin or wherever and then i upload whatever is there at first, especially when i am catching up on a day or few... then i come back a bit later {like this} and fill in the thoughts and tangents and deep profound insight that was missing before :)

are we having fun again? :)

so tv and food

the zepellin boys were on letterman, which was interesting... worth watching because i am a fan of the band, but awkward overall... letterman comes off as such a square in the 50s sense, or maybe in the 70s sense... anyway, it was odd... but i wanted to watch anyway... and then xtra bored the crap out of me so i cooked (or reheated) some food and now, with craig on, i shall eat some yummy lasagna and meatballs...

lots of food in the fridge to choose from cuz i bought some meatballs and lasagna (like enough for five meals, at least... cooking small portions of meatballs or lasagna just doesn't make sense cuz there's so much to clean up) and jackson brought home some seriously good prime rib and other food home from her parents... and there's lots of chocolate everywhere and yummy yummy yummy...

it's such a weirdly peaceful night here... bounce bounce bounce :)

sweet sleep, great music

waking from a solid 4 hour rem cycle with much of the brain asking for another one, i hear some led zeppelin music coming from the tv and see somebody performing but they are not led zeppelin... some excellent renditions... and i realized it was the kennedy center honors show and it was great to see and hear...

the energy of the music woke me and i am buzzing now...

i miss music so very much...

hello? :)

sleeping without the dog

it's a special thing, being completely alone in the place... such a dichotomy... while i am lonely for human touch, for hugs and kisses and sexuality and especially for innocent cuddling, i am also almost never alone here cuz happiness is almost always here asking for attention... today jackson took happiness to sanford's house and they are staying overnight and that is so strange... a wonderful kind of change (like i can just bounce around without concern of waking him and then him begging to go out or eat or play or whatever and i can do things without any distractions)... i will miss him later...

and at the moment, i am sleeping and a little wet nose isn't nuzzling my hand or foot... i am sleeping and stinky dog breath is not waking me with a lick and big smiling dog face and hopeful wagging tail... it's so peaceful...

i am going to continue sleeping now :)

xmas, quick version

most of the xmas holiday is party with friends times... i only went to two this year (not including next weekend for new years parties) and it was great to see old friends and catch up with some favorite people i have not seen in a long time and also fun to meet new friends... not having an intimate partner or any close family, the holiday sharings are not laden with gift giving or cuddling much... great food, fun games, stimulating profound intellectual discussions, but no physical intimacy...

at home though, it's lonely...

jackson, who is my best friend and closes person in daily life (in case this is your first time here... or just don't pay attention much), has family out of town and a new relationship to nurture this year, so she was out of town since saturday (though happiness was here needing attention and energy, but a dog is a dog even when he's a great dog) and only home for a couple of hours today to throw in some laundry (must remember to finish it for her) and grab a snack and shower and change... we exchanged gifts and hugged and she headed out to spend tonight with her new love... they seem good together so i am happy, but it does point out to me that i have no one who puts me first on holidays or more importantly, in daily life... and while i enjoy being alone (so no complaints, just some desire for more sharing), it feels lonely at times...

i have beatles pajamas now :)

how's that for a segue?... and sleep, i want sleep... i hardly slept last night cuz i've been up all night the past few nights and today i didn't sleep all day cuz jackson was coming home so now i am reading to nod off... history channel has some drama (not fiction, but docudrama... they really overdo it reaching for scare-tactics and drama like the news and everything else) about evolution and the search for the missing link, so that seems fine for nodding off background sounds... maybe i will evolve, or de-evolve...

hope you are enjoying a relaxing day too :)

day home, day ay ay home

napping, xmas with jackson, eating, and sleep... that is what the day ahead has in store... what, me plan? (re: mad magazine)... i figure it just may be time to take a break from all the introspection and self-advertising that flooded this blog for the past few days (weeks?... years?... ummmm, wanna buy a nice me*? lol lam) and since jackson will be back soon, lighten up and fluff up the pillows and get some sleep... ...

after all, life is fun even before the one gets here :)


*i can get me for you wholesale...

back to normal programming

well, now that the momentary fantasies and all that getting to know you and wanna share more search for the perfect soulmate stuff of the past few days is out of the way (cuz i am obviously going to find her watching british, canadian, and us science fiction programming or letting libido drool over other girls who are so perfect (and airbrushed) that none us measure up in the superficial libido mind or right here babbling this way, right?... such fanciful holiday season influences, no doubt lol lam), we can return us to our normal programming... whatever normal might be... after all, if one out of ten of these entries are palatable for mass consumption, then i have a few hundred entries after editing that might present a blog worth reading and my millions of adoring fans await... meanwhile, back in reality (whatever that is), my few dear friends reading along as i ride this life and express it in this momentary literary roller coaster are what matter and hey you dear people so many miles away, thank you...

thank you more than any words will ever say...

i slept a four hour rem cycle, but would like another one... on the other hand, i still have some stocking shopping to do cuz jackson's stocking is not adequately stuffed, but rather than run out right now, we are going to extend gift giving all week so she gets some now and some later this week... we buy each other stuff all the time anyway... her main physical gift is under the tree (a disney-maine night shirt) and covering happiness's prescription diet food and moving costs {insane, gonna be over $2000} tap out the till for the month) and she understands... feel like scrooge counting $ but gotta be realistic too until i find another income, aye?... wait a minute, there was gonna be no look for a job talk until the new year, so never mind that last reference... it's still a holiday and jackson will be home any minute now or in a few hours to celebrate... time to put on my red tie-died hippie shirt (what santa costume?) and ho ho ho...

wish you were here :)