sighs and cheers

or cheers and sighs as playing softball without jackson happened plenty while we lived together, but knowing she's way up north is sad cuz she was the only one who shared daily life every day and now, alone again naturally is not as much fun as it used to be... it is good i do not have the concern of her being alone to think about as she has several good people and casey to share her daily life and help her transition into her new life and job and dreams... so i will sigh a while as i adjust to my lonely daily routines and i will do my best not to miss jackson and happiness too much cuz she has a much busier life than i do now and does not have time to check in with me every day, or many times a day for meal plans or other daily life stuff, as we used to...

did not realize what a challenging adjustment this would be as i've always loved solitary time... jackson and happiness were more special at this time in this life for me than i realized... but not pity-party time cuz i am not rejected (even if i feel left out now... that's a feeling not really warranted but more a poor-me loneliness and i know that)...

what i need to do is choose (or find) someone capable of sharing more daily life with me... not an easy task as i am a particularly picky person when it comes to roommates and people in general as most people are pretentious liars and users and insensitive self-destructive wasters... and i am one...

i know better and do my best to act better every day... i do not want to share my daily life with someone who does not know better or someone who does not do their best to act better every day... and i must realize that i have compromised and given up on myself, people, and life itself a whole lot more than i ever thought i would and i do not know how far back to the way i once was i will work to get cuz it is work... and how will someone believe in me when i am not as or where i need to be may be the primary reason i am alone again... honesty is a very rare thing and i want to share it...

and so it goes (and so few have ever known :)