realizing missed opportunities

realizing i held back so much during the years jackson lived here cuz that's where i live, on the surface, these days cuz the emo-heart child inside is still so vulnerable is a scary sad moment that came in that waking clarity that lasts a fraction of a millisecond and is almost always missed by the conscious mind... remembering the giggling deliciousness of the last night (food and wine was expensive, but seriously good) and while fatigue and awkwardness of introductions and other stuff played a role, the walls never really came down even living here... blame it on no time, of course, but that's a lame excuse... she never really knew me cuz i never really came out to play past the surface... and listening to the meg and dia playlist helps rub it in too... it's a good rub in the end, just lonely, if ya know what i mean...

and all i can do is sigh :}