awakish

and for better, worse, sickness, health, sense or nonsense, as if you are out there, whomever you may be, reading, caring, and waiting for more, i continue...

eyes still a little blurry from long term fatigue and lack of exercise and high sugar diet and whatever but not tired enough to fall back asleep partly cuz the brain is working overtime on thoughts and feelings and memories and what to do what to do... it is one of those moments where i do not know what to do with myself... i checked email, seldom do, and found many important emails like from attorneys and banks and others that required response so i responded and sent some to work so i could print them monday... taking care of business... and now i sit here longing for cuddling or at least companionship... i miss the comfort of jackson as a roommate but even more i miss the absolute unconditional attention (affection, adoration, love) from happiness...

no, another roommate or another animal is not the answer... at least not at the moment... exercise and eating healthier and losing weight and cleaning the place and putting all jackson's stuff and boxes in her old room and re-moving into this place and taking car of some financial business and other official formal responsible life stuff is the answer, but for the moment i shall sit here pondering distractions as the first weekend alone hits like an empty water balloon and sucks the wind and motivation to do anything right out of me... at least, as i say, for the moment...

no worries as this is my process and it has been very healthy for me throughout this life (in case you are a newcomer to me) and i have been writing a lot of cool stuff this week that is inspired by the feelings (and the sparks of wanting a friend and lover and romance and partner still glimmer so patience and find the smiles and if you can't well, patience then)...

so yes, it would have been so much easier if this place was empty of her stuff and if i spent a week or so up there getting to know her new life and bonding and reassuring myself that i mattered and will continue to matter (and if i want to believe she left her stuff here not just out of convenience but because i matter, maybe that is not just delusion since her personal journals and diaries are some of the stuff she left, ironically, closest to where i am sitting in the recliner chair she left for me) and she wasn't camping out of touch this first weekend and i had made busy plans with friends this first weekend and softball wasn't cancelled last night this first weekend and so on and so forth and scooby sdooby doo this first weekend and la la la la la, but it is what it is...

no one said it would be easy... that's life, ya know...

i think i shall do what i do, indulge my creative music, my emo, my secrets and passions and child inside... it has been so long since i gave child inside more than a few moments... and one moment at a time, baby steps, that is the way...

so how has your weekend been so far? :)