this will be here

when she gets here... even if i am not and she will read this... even if no one else ever does... because that is what love is about... wanting to know everything, wanting to learn everything from start to finish, wanting to share everything... to know, learn, and share more than anyone else every has... to grow closer than anyone else ever has... that is what love is about... so when she gets here, this will be here... and she will know i know what love is all about...

miss me much?

could be i'm just dreaming, could be i'm just . . . just . . . . .

falling asleep :)

ka-boom

slept through this night, i think... or was it last night... probably last night... i stayed up way too late most nights this week... didn't write much though... didn't facebook much either, but did some... a little other wandering, not much... then again, maybe lots, though briefly... sometimes i don't even read or listen to or watch a page but just tuck it into sites i saw just for posterity... and the one, naturally... tony's car just blew up, which probably influences the title... don't feel like sleeping... don't want to miss a thing, ya know?... what are you up to?... lots of people adding me as a friend on fb... and i'm tiring of the aol-like atmosphere... never did like the pretense of protection... anyway, hopefully my heart and head or either or both will not blow up before i find the one again... i'd like a few more years actualizing falling in love... there's always hope, aye?...

woah, wow, what?

yeah, lost time again... days, even... could have been a lot more, but the facebook is too easy to click a couple of times to remind me (and anyone watching) that i am still here, connected, wanting to share... sadly, most do not, especially a few i had hoped would be close forever... but people have a very different definition of forever than i do... even bigger difference between definitions for close... alas, people are not like me, at least not on the outside... guess the biggest difference between me and most people is that i don't have much difference between inside and outside... what?

missing out

once att is taking over t-mobile does that mean i get to sleep with carly foulkes?... yes, i feel like i am missing out on life stuff, fun stuff, love stuff, play stuff, serious stuff, party stuff, game stuff, sex stuff, goofy stuff... shared stuff... yes, that's it, i am missing out on shared stuff... even my dreams and fantasies are weak these days cuz they are not shared - not even in the writing ways i used to share them with myself just to keep them alive and full of energy and life and hope and me... i claim there is no time, but more, there is less hope and strength and more laziness and apathy... ambivalence takes the fun out of life... but there is so little time too...

so maybe it is pathetic that i whine about how lonely i am and about how nobody really gets me or cares to even try and maybe it's all a waste of time (but there's the rub, and the ultimate strength of the hope that never lets me quit)... whatever anyone things, this reaching out proves i am still here, have not given up, and still dream and hope and dance and sing and enjoy myself inside beyond anyone's wildest imagination... and so i'll go it alone, if that's how it must be... and i will be here...

anytime :)

too serious for this world

fell asleep, sweetly, slept deep for the living room recliner, woke after four or so hours, maybe more, and almost laid down for the rest of the night when the phone distracted me... i checked it and it said emergency calls only... not sure why... maybe a new setting gets set automatically somehow since the new software upgrade last week... the text i thought i sent to jackson this afternoon never went through... i thought maybe it was a memory thing as there were thousands of text messages in the phone, thousands for in her folder alone... so i called att on the other phone and they were closed... sucks, a phone company not having 24 hour service in emergencies... oh really?... and then i went on their website and they didn't have my phone listed accurately... something changed between the connection with att and the htc phone... so i entered my phone in my account and then asked to chat with a tech person... absolutely no help at all and the text person told me to go to an att store... incompetence, not a good night for att at all... att sucks...

so i will maybe need to get the phone to the store... maybe i'll call htc tomorroe... anyway, i slept through monday night sci-fi so i considered watching it, but instead, it played in the background while i spent two hours reading and deleted thousands of text messages, most of them from and to jackson... if you know me, you know i am awake now... yeah, so i sat here i deleted the messages, one by one, for the past two hours... there are about 800 messages to go, but i am too blurry to read any more... saying goodbye, letting go, it never was an easy thing for me... there is still food in the fridge that needs to be tossed in the trash... did i mention it was one month ago tonight we set off to drive up to maine?... people don't really want to be as close as we can be... and i am way too emo for this world...

that is why i stay alone so much and nobody stays too close...

don't be sad, i am happy as i am :)

and someday my princess...

well, you know :)

soooooo tired

just so very tired...

i don't think i ever got used to someone holding me... maybe i have reactive attachment disorder... or maybe there is something actually wrong with me... laughter abounds, as usual... the laughter of madness?... who cares, i'm enjoying everything and on balance, help and lot more than i hurt... nobody's perfect... how are you? :)

zzzzzzzzzzz :)

leftovers (must be again, at least)

that is, i probably titled at least one or a few other entries leftovers already, but whatever... spent most of the weekend (see, leftover thoughts from the weekend) wandering online, relaxing, exercising, and indulging taste buds... also, i sometimes feel like leftovers (oh, the diversity of the title, you see?)...

i was on a softball team called leftovers once...

so what else is new?...

oh, a facebook person called tonight... old guy like me, from the old country (not like me, maybe), also adopted, for what that matters... into music hard core (and downloads and bootleg recordings and concerts and progressive, though not into lyrics much) and an atheist and progressive politics and found my comments and liked them and decided to call so we could talk music... the world is a strange and wondrous party, especially since the internet (lately, facebook) came around, you know?... so little time in the working too much life, so i am still awake now...

had to give myself some time after softball, after all, or i'd have wallowed in loneliness and thrown a pity party (cuz nobody called to tuck me in tonight, after all... sigh {stop giggling, it's sad} and all)... come'on, it's serious... definitely not in a work mode though... or serious mode, for that matter... could be in a babbling mode... but in the morning this body will cry out that it needs more sleep... right... who cares?...

make it special, m'ok? :)

lonely after softball

yup, i am realizing that i am loneliest for jackson's company after getting home after sunday softball... win or lose (we lost 12-9 tonight, too many errors, poor base running, not enough hits)... i went 2 for 3 and scored once... ironically, i am batted last every week and usually lead off or get up with two outs, but hey, i'm just there to play and have fun... leftover ribs for dinner... and cupcakes for dessert... indulging continues, but so does increasing exercise...

jackson's dealing with hurricane irene turning her power on and off tonight and she's got lots of work to do and roommates for company and a life... i keep sending positive thoughts and hope she's ok and happy... here in my world, i have no one to replace her (not that anyone could replace, but fill the companionship void, at least) and somewhere inside i lament (perhaps you've noticed?... oh, has it shown?)... yeah, so that's life for today and tonight...

just in case you wanted to know (beatles songs come to mind)...

hope tonight was good for you :)

lazy weekend

online a lot, checking in at facebook and twitter and other places but mostly just wandering a reading (the internet has replaced the library and provides momentary reads as opposed to stories that take many hours or days to read... for better or worse... slept on and off, kept waking to check the storm and see if there were any texts i might have missed... jackson is keeping in touch, thank you jackson :)

and then there's gathering the softball peeps... one girl called off just an hour ago, the flu, luckily another was not stuck out of town due to the storm and made it back so she'll be there so we'll have four, hopefully... feeling lonely but enjoying the rest (though i did run a 5k yesterday and softball tonight and hopefully more 5k runs and some other exercise every day from now on until the day this body stops moving for good... ummmm, yeah, hopefully :)

hope life is smiling for you :)

still, yeah, awake too

spent most of the night wandering facebook and other web worlds and checking weather radar and missing jackson and happiness (cuz they are in the path of the storm) and once again realizing i have no one who would immediately notice if i died no less anyone to take care of my burial or stuff or anything... no family... and then i once again bring to consciousness that one reason i give so much and try to adopt family is to find at least one person who would be there if i needed something (a ride to work from the mechanic when my car needs work (or is stuck somewhere... i'd have to call a taxi company and they are not so easy to find around here) or a ride to a doctor if i felt really sick or, well, that's the point... i love solitude, yet i love loving and bonding and feeling someone needs me and someone would be there for me too...

time for sleep, just lay down fool, it'll come :}

narf :}

silence can be so loud

yeah, it was bound to happen, predictable, after all... and then i went and found this and of course i had to go hunt down this (bftp) and even if the phone did not go silent and we were not going through a lonely transition, the mind blow would have tickled my lonely bone (as opposed to funny bone, ya see) and you just had to be there (and that's the point, nobody was, cha cha cha)...

it's been a long night (after all and then some, track back a few more sites i saw pages if you know what i mean)... and though facebook brought me bunches of new people recently (fb popularity is such an odd reward) and even tonight two more appreciative people and someone who wants to talk to me, the longing to share the whole picture remains and rises like an old friend's smile tonight... so cool, this fool...

and how are you tonight? :)

sudden 5K

yeah, with a little help from my friends (jackson texted saying she was going to the gym so i found myself out running), i just ran/walked a 5k in under 42 minutes . . . semi-cool (shushing the hard core runner who thinks i've let the body get pathetic... the real me inside is so misunderstood)... looking for the right one, la la la...

drifting in the afterglow (kinda dim, but still, a nice soft after run surge of adrenals)... gonna relax tonight, hot shower, some food, some football on tv, some online wanders, writing, maybe a game... you are welcome to call if you think you "get me" or could... whatever you do, make it fun...

and safe on the east cost...

let myself sleep

woke sweetly late, after 2pm, and feel so smiley-face wonderful today (shhhh, the lonelies lurk around the place but still, the body feels rested more than in weeks, so yay and a weekend of vegging may be just what the doctor ordered even if it feeds the lonelies come sunday night (when i typically don't sleep cuz i'm all wired up from softball playing and watching sports)... today is now, that's where i am, and feeling good...

hope your day is good too, especially my hurricane-path friends...

sleep (he asks)... what sleep?...

partly due to the softness of the couch upon which i sleep these days cuz the bed spring mattress is old and lumpy and in the bedroom where there is no tv and the recliner is not that comfortable for sleeping too many hours or nights and partly due to the craving to share and the don't want to miss a thing syndrome, as i call my particular brand of self-imposed insomnia and then, the mountain dew didn't help, i am awake again for a few hours and catching up on (e)thereal and the rest (the rest as in all the other babbling and solitary lazy live stuff, not in the sleep type rest, naturally... or unnaturally, for that matter)...

so i watched a little tv and slept since the last entry... exciting, no doubt :)

hope your night was even more wondrous :)

back and forth

mixed in with the pure (e)thereal are entries that give reason to the ethereal aspect of the electronic the real, the electronic manifestation of the literary phenomenon long known as the written gardens that represent story of a life as i have known it from one extreme to another, from the farthest reaches of imagination (to use human terms, euphoria to horror, altruistic bliss to heinous torture, ultimate good to pure evil) to the simple reality of the physical experience that (e)thereal attempts to record (or so we profess), are the slivers, shades, blirts, and plops (whatever these are) of semi-obscure (some more blatant than others) obscurity that pretends not to know what the words are truly conveying (and yet, and yet... what?) as if that is possible (and can you tell and do you know and if you care you can but rarely will anyone) so the pendulum does what a pendulum does and the entries come and go as they will, even if you won't or never do...

in the middle of the night, in the middle of a dream, i wait for you...

white castle krystals

work blah work blue work lonely nothing new at the desk cuz almost no one understands what i do except a very few and one who helps keeps me from failing as what i am responsible for requires a department of three, at least, five ideally, and i am a department of one... thankfully i have substantial assistance from four key people in other departments (much to the reluctance and sometimes passive aggressive resistance) of their department heads) and as needed assistance from many others (though due to ambivalence from their department heads, the attention to detail is poor and requires much time-consuming correction which they complain about rather than holding their staff more accountable), so i get the job done and as far as outsiders are concerned, damn well (with the proof documented in repeated excellent survey results)...

and then straight to the field for the playoffs, but unfortunately only eight players showed up and that is a very challenging obstacle, especially when the eight are just average recreational players who make frequent errors and the other team has good hitters... we would have won if we made no errors and if we hit, but we did not hit and made too many errors... we would have had a goo chance of winning if ten players showed up, but only eight did... most of the runs scored should not have scored, but our outfielders mis-tracked three fly balls that should have been outs but were instead home runs and then several throws were way off giving up a few more runs and with just three infielders preventing the base hits is tough (yet we had two double plays on balls hit back to me, which is surprisingly good)... they only scored 13, which is really excellent considering only eight fielders and all the errors... the real downfall was nobody hit... i walked once and got a single, foul tipping one into the catcher's glove... scored once, left at second the other time... we scored two runs... so the season is over and hopefully they will have players who show up next season... i'll be back with my regular friday night team as they only took the summer off and that's why i found this temporary summer team... fun people, but disappointing playoff effort...

whatever, i enjoy what i can and do my best to leave the disappointment in people behind... whining about them (and expressing the reality of the disappointment) here helps... and home i arrived to call the old dog's owner and he is back at his home and i am comfortably alone again here (in my castle where i went out to get krystals for dinner and feel decadently bloated once again... the food self-indulgence is the physical stimulation substitute for sex and exercise, after all... fatigue and laziness combine, ya know... wah wah wah ha ha ha blah blah blah and how was your day? :)

lol lam laa narf :)

another dog night

not a three dog night, but a cool breeze in the air (the outer reaches of hurricane irene, i suppose, though it's dry out) has me opening the door even though the thermometer says 80 degrees... the dog likes the patio... or porch, for you northerners... a very large part of me misses being a northerner and not just cuz jackson moved back up north... maybe i just miss the cosmopolitan street smart directness of new york... or maybe the north has the higher iq... but why live where you have to bury you body in clothes and burn so much fuel just to survive... doesn't seem too smart... yet, there's something missing in the south...

there's always the west, aye?...

buried in my office, nose in reports all day (though i paused for a meatloaf, string bean, salad lunch) and meeting the deadlines for external stuff, but ignoring most of the internal stuff... polishing the outside while the inside rots, big business and government bureaucracy at work... home alone (maybe you noticed if you're paying attention, you know, cuz you care... or are extremely bored... or both)... hope your life is not fake over-dramatic news or duplicitous hypocrisy like most... cuz i wish you love :)

losing interest

in work again... comes and goes and i am realizing that jackson kept me interested in caring about life and the planet and the human race and the kids at work and a whole lot of everything that i am not feeling much sadness about disillusionment and ambivalence with humanity in the global sense and at work and mostly all around... i still want to care about friends, but it is so easy to stay distant when there are no personal friends within a half hour of where i live and no intimate friends within a thousand miles... the news, the tv, the superficial hypocrites are everywhere... fear-mongering, selling drama, reality tv, and be afraid - danger danger - addicted to false adrenaline rushes... watching the news is so pathetically depressing... the news is the boy who cried wolf... how can we help but become desensitized... they love disasters... death... probably the most used word in the news... the news celebrates the worst humans can do... devastating, incredible, dangerous, damage, injuries, deaths, panic, monster, slammed, hurt, fault, investigating, worry, big story, storm for the ages (it is always the worst, the most epic drama, every night, every story, even the weather), blah blah blah...

so how are you?...

woke again

and spoke with jackson, though it figures i was half asleep and too tired to be as alert as i'd like to be and so the whiney loneliness probably seeped out (but then, who else is gonna hear that in the real world if one of my all-time favorite roommies?... i seem to have an affinity for teachers and therapists since almost all of my roommates {and relationships} have been one or the other... too bad none of them could teach me anything or straighten me out, aye?... they were all beautiful and wise, that's for sure... i mean, they're gone, after all... nyuk nyuk narf)...

it was very good to hear her voice... living with her seems to have awakened my love of sharing more trust and intimacy in the physical space... but i'm ok without a pet, that's for sure... i want the responsibility of a person, a roommate, a friend, a partner, a human... first...

narf :)

slippery sleep

sat here (i think i ate something) and nodded off with the old puppy... one of the nurses at work went away for a few days and i am dog sitting old cigarette who is mostly deaf partially blind and stiff with arthritis, at least... there's still enough puppy in him to bounce around and play a little, but i can feel his struggles as he drags his back leg around... he can barely climb a small curb and has trouble with tall grass so he needs help climbing up on a bed or couch and he loves cuddling, so he'll be helped... yeah, he's a cuddler...

good night to let sleep come early, aye?...

awake again

partly bloat, partly mind-energy, a glimpse of tv snippits of letterman and christy brinkley (go girl, older and fitter than me, inspire me once more, aye?) and of course, craig (as in ferguson) but much more, the hungers inside (definitely not miranda lambert's new pill-popping song... fine role model for hypocrisy sadly so typical of this country, especially country country, alas... so many empty heads... hopefully it won't rub off on dia)... tv puts everything into perspective... or distracts from everything... anyway...

feel free to care :)

and another (long day)

head spinning with the regulatory mamba, the dance of fools (when doing it at a desk pushing words and papers around)... everybody has to justify their existence and everybody has a different perspective on what is important in this life (reality tv or health care?... personal accident lawsuits or helping the homeless?... celebrity gossip or curing cancer?... winning the lottery or falling in love?... popularity or family?... the choices are endless and your choices create who you are - so who are you?)...

seriousness or irreverence?

huh?... falling asleep after stuffing the belly... nite nite...

could be fun

yes, i could be... wrote an epic love song for humanity tonight sorta in the vein of the beatles all you need is love and gave it to dia... hope she saves the world with it... ate yummy clam chowder with shrimp, cheese, peas, and sunflower seeds (my own strange brew, epic no doubt... unplanned, of course)... watched sci-fi monday and found out the stupid people at the channel that used to be called sci-fi decided to cancel eureka suddenly which is one more in a long series of reasons to not like the the syfy channel and why i don't go too far out of my way to get into any of their shows... tragic, i know... downloaded fun photos and wandered some websites away the usual paths (can only take so many days of facebook before i need a break, still, happy i stopped in cuz i would have missed a birthday if i didn't... figures nobody told me)... forgot where i out the phone (wonder if it still on vibrate cuz i haven't heard it all night)... gonna have to call it with my other phone (shhhh, it's a secret)... danced by the light of the silvery moon a bit, and now, pondering sleep... or going out for a run... left to my own devices and not depending on anyone else for anything, i'm bound to start running again, ya know?... well, somebody might know, somewhere...

hope you made tonight fun too :)

another long day

a smile from jackson on a text (she of few words) blinked through another crazy busy day as the bureaucracy continues to undermine the actual mission of providing the best care possible to kids because i am creating bullshit for corporate lackees who's primary purpose is to justify their jobs by creating bullshit work for those who actually do the work to help kids... kind of like government and everything in big business... and they get paid the most not only for doing the least badly, but for creatively justifying their jobs by creating bullshit work for . . . the first sign of fitting in with them is repetitiveness redundancy...

and if you are one of them and you want to destroy me now, well, then you are now honest and if you are honest then you'll help more and interfere less... if you really care about the kids, that is... and yes that is a challenge...

meanwhile, it's sci-fi monday... see ya later :)

walking slowly, waking, that is

so much rushing through this life in the last few years, rushing to get ready in the morning, rushing to work, rushing through work, rushing to eat, rushing to shower and dress, rushing to games, rushing rushing rushing... it is good to have a morning where i wake before the alarm and sit for ten minutes just breathing... next step is find a whole hour for running, exercise, and breathing... the re-ordering of priorities is essential (rinse and repeat)...

we are all so brainwashed in so many ways, time to re-wash mine again, aye? :)

make today a wonderful day in your life :)

cuz someday someone will want to know

everything, that is... that is what true love in the falling in love is all about, after all... i know, i've been there a couple of times... maybe a few... and the feeling never ends, even when the two people go separate ways in this life... it is a pity the first did not last as the intensity would have changed the world and the intensity diminishes with each return, as the years pass... anyway, that's why i'm here again typing a few words to sum up my day, because someday someone will want to know...

i stopped for taco bell and long john silver on the way home... yeah, i know, indulging was supposed to end this month... loneliness leads to self-indulgence... la la la... so anyway, i stayed at the field watching four of my teammates play two more games, hoping i might be asked to help the team needing extra players as well, but nope, they didn't ask and nobody wanted a break... sucks to be unwanted... i'd have done a better job than one of them, at least... feeling unwanted leads to self-indulgence... so the junk food was yummy and now i share the day, kind of in reverse...

we lost the first game, a few errors gave the other team enough runs and nobody was hitting... i got on base each time i was up except once, but softball is a team sport... i walked the first batter, but settled down after that... trouble is, they scored four runs in that first inning and i don't think we scored four runs in the game... it also started raining and that didn't help... the team we lost to was the same team that beat us in the playoffs last season by breaking rules and getting away with it, so double suck... we won the second game big against the team that won last season's championship cuz the hitters started hitting and i found my pitching groove... so we are tied for first cuz it was our first loss... we are 5-1 on the season... one more game next week and the team we are tied with plays the team who won last season's championship... so we pretty much lock up first if last year's champs win next week and we get second if the team we lost to wins, as long as we win, that is... softball is so much more fun when shared before and after games by someone as into it as i am and someone as into statistics as i am would be a dream come true... but it's still much fun even alone... and now it is time to relax with my imaginary tv friends on ncis and some football and whatever else is on while i get a little more laundry done...

and how was your day? :)

relaxing awake

so rarely will i do this and so good does it feel, so fool i must be... woke without an alarm and barely moved for the past hour or longer (not even looking at a clock)... glanced at the laptop and browsed a bit, but let my body and brain just float around listening to music and enjoying the rest... softball in a few hours... make your day good for you and fun too :)

would have been one of the few right times to call, but then, you had to be here :)

all the fun of the money

yes, if it was not so expensive, today would have been even more fun... lunch was $50, then we went to Borders cuz Borders is closing and the bargains drove me out of my mind so i spent $75 on books and then dessert was $12 and then the movies was $21 and a bottle of water at the movies was $5.25 and so, life can be expensive when you're not in love (narf)... this is definitely not in my newly not quite created very tight budget since living without a roommate, but i'll shock myself by checking my back balance another night... tonight i shall enjoy the books and the memories of the fun day... cuz as we all know, fun is priceless (you knew that was coming, right?)...

lunch at olive garden, yummy new sauce (creamy mushroom something with sun dried tomatoes) and shrimp and meat balls and chocolate mousse dessert... then wandering aimlessly around the book store... then frozen yogurt with yummy toppings... then the last harry potter movie with someone who knows and loves the stories as much as i do... yeah, precious is a cool one, even if days with her can be expensive :)

and now, if i am in any way actually wise i will find some motivation to get some laundry done and get some of the stuff out of the way cuz that mood really has come back around a few times too often, ya know?...

you want me, wake me

and so it goes... precious called to wake me so we can head out for fun today so this is the entry that isn't gonna be (much) cuz it is time to head to the showers and then out for whatever fun we might want to find... good to head out without plans sometimes, ya know?...

a bit concerned about jackson not responding to a few texts yesterday especially when they were new news about stuff she is really into, but then, she might just be busy having fun so concern may be an over-reaction... gots to remembers she lives far far away and i am not the person sharing her daily live stuff anymore, even if her stuff is still all around and underfoot everywhere i go in this living space... yeah, clean up her stuff and move it out of the way and let go, i know... no one said it would be easy, right sheryl crow? (laughing at myself is my coping mechanism, in case you just got off the bus and found this entry and don't know me at all, nyuk, nyuk, narf)...

off to the shower now and fun - make your day fun too :)

cuz the excitement continues

to build, even... and while sleep was and is so very sweet and the body fatigue continues to long for the horizontal position (not to mention the libido, but that's not a sleep think, even if it is a dream thing) and the bloat continues to be, well, bloat, the excitement woke me this morning (or was it the caffeine and bladder?) and here we are, rambling on as if the party never ends (who says it does, aye?)... even as a sudden silence is distracting (worrisome?... well, i guess it should not be and i should get used to it, but it does come as a surprise due to the suddenness)...

and then there are the distractions we (or i, at least) create that inspire the illusion of sharing and caring in the (e)thereal when the physical flesh and blood people are not around, or temporarily disconnected as bob would say... better than nothing, after all (actually, it is more real than the real, much of the time, for those who know)... and so it goes... roll on coaster, roll on...

the excitement (you remember excitement, don't you?) comes from within, in case you did not know at this moment (every moment), and the joke is some of the most meaningful communications may remain in songs you never heard (even as we laugh at the irony of the journey that brings us to wherever we are)... and we are, like it or not, even when we don't know it (or forget we do... or pretend)...

it is all in the presentation, ya know? :)

which is virtually momentary, actually...

narf :)

and when nobody arrived, then what?

lol, yeah, the story of this life as i've known it... waiting... whether it's in my mind or in my rhymes or in daily life or night time dreams or a bus station even, the waiting is what i do... wait you're arrival, it's simple survival... who remembers the song?... tonight my friends, chetos, cashews, pecans keep me company, and perhaps a bit later, some dew...

i could clean, there's a ton of cleaning to do... rearranging all the stuff really ought to get done one of these days... and there's laundry... and there's the xbox 360 i impulsively bought for some deeply subconscious reason that may never be known cuz i forgot to ask, but someone might someday so i noted it here as if it'll help me remember... and whether it is laziness or cuz i want to share the tasks and the fun (and which is more or less varies from time to moment cuz it's both most of the time, but much more the latter when i think about it)...

what is this?... this isn't (e)thereal stuff... this is more stuff for thereal(tm)... or even more, behind the candoor... ah, sweet memories, someday my princess will come, simultaneously, i hope...

i'll be back later after caffeine :)

await your arrival

whomever you may be... yes, the morning trail of thoughts continues into the evening almost as if i never left and yet, i've been buried in words and numbers all day after the usual morning ritual of investigating events from the night before and signing off on paperwork, i spent most of the afternoon diving into the new corporate data in order to create new spreadsheets to get the reports we want... much progress, but still, the corporate data leaves much to be desired...

and then now home and food and getting ready for softball (if it's not rained out) and then, dunno... was invited to a game night tonight and i'd like to go as it's not the usual group and different people are good for a change of head, but i'm not sure how late they will be there...

the trail may continue later, lots of interesting distractions for the moment...

make tonight fun :)

quick night

sweet morning, even alone... seems i am interested in saying good morning to someone every morning these days so i text but nobody actually wants a good morning text every morning (no less respond to it, no less have a bit of conversation) and i would wave hello to people but i drive a short trip just about directly to my desk and i say hi at work but work is not a friendly place (except for a few) and so i feel the loneliness grow from waking until i dive into incident reports and databases and spreadsheets and then i forget about everything outside of my head and work for a while...

so it shall be this morning too... unless, of course, something changes :)

hi-ho :)

nap and wake

a few hours nap in the evening becomes an easy habit lately when i am not going out after work... and a simple text lol wakes me and here we are, rambling again (you'll just have to find the linkages for yourself this time, though if you know where the table of contents might be found the mystery and sponteniety of random clicking might be diminished, unless you know how to randomly click on an ordely list of links (should i mention they are not perfectly chronological all the time to add to the potential randomness or do you already assume that knowing me... what?)...

so sleepy, i responded to what i thought was a personal text today and soon discovered i was having a personal conversation on twitter for all the world to see... luckily it was only two messages long and did not reveal any state secrets, horribly embarrassing skeletons, or dna, but it was an interesting mix up and a clear demonstration of my uber fatigue as i even tweeted typos without knowing... shameful, i know...

weeks slide by buy with work and play, definitely too much work... not enough exercise time... not enough sleep time... not enough sharing time... not enough intimacy trust love time... not enough shared x-rated time... not enough lists, but we may have solved that tonight... huh?...

what can i say, some nights are not as exciting as others, ya know? (luckily i am still easily amused even when just nudging out some words out of habit until something meaningful and worth actually worth reading comes along, cha cha cha)...

are we having fun yet? :)

narf :)

don't look now (around, that is)

too tired for much of anything as the eyes blur as the work day ends and i get home too tired for cooking or anything so i open a can of veggie soup and drink it and then open cans of pasta and microwave and there's dinner... caffeine withdrawal doesn't help so i drank some dew and the headache went away and now, drowsiness calls...

busy days, sleep nights, wish you were here (and i had more time :)

skipping showers

that is one sign of uber fatigue, when my judgment becomes cloudy enough to choose an almost meaningless extra few minutes of sleep rather than a refreshing shower, when i squeeze out a few extra minutes with the snooze button so i must rush a towel wash instead of a full shower... the fifteen minutes of extra sleep might not even help and the lack of shower might even be less refreshing, but the snooze button is just too easy, ya know?...

hi ho... erp :}

ok then

lol, wow, blasts from the past seem to come around just when they are supposed to (or for the frightened among us, at the worst possible moments... luckily i am not giving in to fear this year either, with a nod to an old song... and hair... and continued laughter, you remember laughter don't you?... with another nod to another old song)...

so i napped after dinner and here i am wired cuz i am inspired cuz people do that to me when i let them... and one most important in the current life moves far away and one most important from the earliest romantic life flirts with a fly-by visit and one most important from the last romantic life, for better or worse, reappears in the cybersphere and a few more one on one social smiles are shared in the daily physical world this week with two of my favorite hearts and who knows what the weekend has planned and sure enough, the words are trying to explode even as i consciously urge myself to get back to sleep...

hope you are having a spectacular night too :)

boom goes the sky

or maybe it was just a blast from the past... toronto friended me on facebook... not the city, though i love the city, but the person that gave personal meaning to the city for me... so we are friends now, and what have we done? (with a nod to john lennon)...

eat and sleep, that is what this body needs most... and clean the place... i'll be dog sitting next week and definitely ought to straighten up the boxes and piles of stuff jackson left before then... and what about my old friend and first girlfriend visiting from up north?... maybe tomorrow?... lunch tomorrow with a really cool friend, must remember... look up from the desk, fool... excitement, fatigue, time to close the eyes for a few...

hope your life is exciting too :)

too much energy to sleep

i will definitely need to start getting to the gym and running more soon or i may do some physical damage to this body from lack of sleep but the brain is wired even though i was dragging off the couch this morning more than sixteen hours ago when i went to work... that's what hanging with the right people will do, wake me up to wanting and hoping for more sharing...

fun and hope for more (and a heart and body waking), that's the start of what life's all about...

hope you are all hot and not bothered too (feel free to share, ya know? :)

such a good moment for sleep

but instead, i shall head out into the thunderstorm that is sweet music to my sleep head and have some fun with (what was her name again?... i know i gave her a blog name... gonna have to go looking or rename her i guess) at trivia night... last week i noticed my trivia brain is far from what it used to be... obviously sitting at the desk day after day for years, not reading or watching current events, and not sharing intellectually stimulating conversations much has taken a toll... either that or senility, toss a coin :)

hope you enjoy your evening too :)

wake up, dangit!

not really wanting to head to work today, want to sleep more... have not had a sleep in day off in months again... just had a few days off in the past few months and they were to do stuff early in the morning... a vacation would be so sweet...

hi ho...

still awake?

I am... bleary blurry eyed but bouncing inside for the loneliness is not getting me down but rather churning up excitement and anticipation and hope and excitement (did i mention excitement?) as if i am falling in love (or ready to again) and yet, nobody fits the bill at the moment... still, i can thank jackson for waking me up to the fun and meaningfulness of daily sharing and the energy of sharing hearts and caring every day in physical space... wanting is the first step in finding what you want, after all...

must sleep a little though, the body say so...

nite nite :)

this kind of fool

yes, the what kind of fool am i kind of fool... but then, i have fallen in love, a few times, even... but the first, the first was the last and always and forever, the first was the last and the future and the past, the first was the dream of happy every after, the first was the magic, the promise, the cast, the first was the wonder, the first was the last...

still watching, waiting, wishing, hoping, dreaming, even praying, for the wonder of you :)

was almost asleep

and then the phone made sounds... phones no longer ring after all, well, most phones don't ring... anyway, the phone made noise and stimulated me cuz a couple of my favorite people reached out and it was good news... so my plan to wake up tomorrow at 5am might be delayed a couple of hours... but tomorrow night i'll be out with friends... and hopefully i'll get more good news tomorrow... and i am about three years old at the moment in my head thinking in singularities and ice cream cones... ot something like that...

feeling the lonelies in the hungry way... motivated more... still, monday nights are supposed to be go to sleep early... or wait, there's sci-fi i forgot all about... might be up another few hours now... must be da fool, aye?... and hopefully someone will keep up with me someday...

cuz life is too much fun to sleep most nights :)

busy day, delicious night

ok, because there was a linkage error in the previous entry and this link was not there until now, i give you another shot at it (or is this giving it another shot at you?... oooo, the philosophicality of it all) even as it is another night (and i still don't want to miss a thing) and i am lonely (and a bit bloated on oh so yum) but as long as i can amuse myself and my friends, few as they may be, then i am happy... actually there is usually just a very few people i depend on for feedback outside of my own head and i choose them very carefully (and only blow it about three quarters of the time, which is pretty ok in this life) so all is well again tonight...

much work at work, two of three primary reports completed, two of four secondary reports completed, only about a dozen other reports supposed to be done tomorrow and maybe i'll get the third primary and the other two secondary and a couple or few maybe others, maybe... if i go in four am, that is...

happy talk with jackson for a few (so i have to look for the knives cuz she didn't pack them so they must be buried in some box somewhere) and the night is wonderful and should end early... sleep calls tonight and i would like to answer... hope you find amusement to share too :)

night madness

yes, i was supposed to be asleep hours ago and then a couple of hours ago i was heading for the couch (cuz i haven't slept in the bed in days... the couch is more appealing for the moment... we can explore why another time if i remember to or if you ask)... lonely, the point of everything i do, after all... to love and be loved... just need a partner... the right partner...

sleep much? :}

why oh why

this is why... and this too cuz i am built for the night and i don't want to miss a thing even though there is, for the moment, no one to watch breathing... sigh and all...

so instead of laying down at midnight i go eat some more calzone and break out the throwback mountain dew... and some garlic pistachios for dessert... body feels good in spite of a belly... muscles got good work this weekend, turn it up with running and upper body workouts this week i hope... emotions went on a wonderfully challenging roller coaster as well... not enough nurturing and being needed and caring on a personal level as i'd like, but at least there was some... all in all, good weekend...

so what about you? (and come to think of it, what about love :)

remembering a bit

wow... yeah, wow... we've come a long way from where all this began (in regard to this blog) when life was so busy with fun there was no time for whining or wanting more than the pleasures of the moment... there was a freedom and hope and wonder and wherever did all the pitiful cynicism come from since then (not asking, it's the choice i made to allow the negative influences of our human culture {nearby and globally} to become my thought patterns, dummy)... so is it time to remember who i am (the child inside) even if nobody else really notices or cares or sticks around to share the perspective and experience?... sure do hope so :)

i can probably best tell who reads this blog by looking into peoples eyes when we meet in real life... people who read stuff like this will probably look away real fast so as not to laugh in my face (if only they knew i laugh first, aye?)... people do lie so well though, especially to themselves, so who knows what is real or lasting meaning even when sharing seems to be genuine and often...

i look for the one who understands and cares to share it all cuz that is what life is about...

so here i am remembering a bit of how and why this blog began (and all the others as well)... to share, to share everything, even when no one is here... to put the sharing and caring into words and keep track of the roller coaster ride that is this life so that when someone might want to share life with me, my experience and a bit of all i've been can be read right here...

for you... cuz you care...

interesting (not really) drama

maybe it's not interesting because nobody really cares about it but me (and i refer to the active in-physical-space sharing caring that makes caring a real verb/action and not just the few kind words most people share daily or every few days or even longer apart... so i lament the absence of people in the daily spaces who truly want to know and care about me and my drama, feelings, hopes, dreams, thoughts, ideas, and so on... at least i still have some real daily moment-to-moment value to myself...

odd misunderstanding with the guy jackson gave the softball team to (not sure when or how, actually, as he wouldn't have been the one i'd have chosen based on his running the last team we were both on when he basically dropped her from the team and sort of nudged me out too, but probably she didn't think it through like many things at this end in her relocation... she's still family though, so love love love, ya know?... and does always want to see the rose-colored best side of everything and everyone, even when it hurts her)... anyway, the rain came and cleaned up the misunderstanding and sure enough, i was the only one at the field and texted everyone, so i am not exactly sure, oh, nevermind... sometimes the drama really does get tiresome...

so still dealing with the all too clear fact that the sudden disappearance of jackson and happiness from my daily life has been more challenging and unpleasant than i wanted it to be because, after all, i went from daily conversations and meals and living together and needing each other and sharing mostly everything to nothing, at least at my end, a quiet empty space devoid of any sharing or caring (not to mention the clutter and work needed around here that i ignore)... i did not prepare for this suddenness (and she didn't have to as she moved to a built in daily support system in her new home and life)... but none of this is her fault, she needed to do what she did and she is too busy to share as we did and doesn't need me around (if only to take care of happiness) every day as she did just two weeks ago... so find a new person or people to share daily life with and trust it'll mean something more to them in daily life...

wah wah wah, huh?... well, not really... the weekend was much fun, even with the disappointment, let down, betrayal, and feelings of abandonment... people are people, after all... and i'll be me and continue to love them unconditionally and be here for them as much as possible (which is much more possible than anyone else i've ever met cuz, well, it is... not sure why it's not for them)... caring is what i do, full time... slipping in recent years, especially when it comes to caring about myself and this body, but there's always hope...

hope there's always hope for you too :)

the world won't let me sleep

the body want to sleep today, but the phone keeps texting me awake because the softball team needs an organizer to find out who is showing up and who isn't and make sure they get to the field on time and so napping on sundays is not so easy now and that means going out all night saturday night will be more challenging... i'll need to get the team more organized on saturday as much as possible... hopefully that will work... but today, the phone started early...

but it wasn't only the team... my hurting friend responded to me this morning, but she still wasn't looking to talk and downplayed the hurt (which is her way) and so, the distance grows and we all just move along our merry ways... that's life and i take it as it comes (or do my best to)... people just do not seem to want to stay close to me... we've been through the whys many times, aye?... too...

i'm gonna try to nap between texts... good workout for the body yesterday, rest is essential now... hope you are enjoying your weekend too, even the challenges, drama, and people...

tear it up

the contract with life, whatever that means... it sucks when people suck and most people suck without even trying... people lie to themselves so much they don't even know who they are, what they want, or which end of their body they are talking out of most of the time... and so it goes...

someone hurt someone very precious to me and i wish the dummy would get her head examined because she has no clue of the value of a human being... i feel so helpless to do anything because these events happened way too far away for me to have any real minute by minute physical world impact, but i will do my best through words to do anything needed or wanted to help the healing begin...

meanwhile, in the mundane existence i loosely call my life, we played cards tonight and had fun and it's great for me, but i am a bit preoccupied and quite intensely exhausted... so i'll continue tomorrow...

feeling the burn

only slightly, but still feeling it... and practice tonight was fun... we scrimmaged after drills and my hitting continued as i went 7 for 8 with five rbis and two doubles (one stretched to a triple on a error)... i also scored 5 times, twice coming around from first... definitely something in the attitude and confidence (so not everything is a painful challenge since jackson left, ya see... i am missing her and happiness being around all the time, so much it hurts sometimes, but that's life when friends who are adopted family move away and she's happy so all is well... just need to find someone to fill the void... friends tell me to get a puppy, but i know that would not be fair to the puppy cuz i am not home consistently enough {and more importantly, do not want to have have to come home every evening or wake at specific times, so no, a puppy would not be a good idea... nor a cat either for similar reasons... wow, this parentheses went off on a more serious tangent from the tease it started out as, aye?)...

anyway, the muscles feel good and i would love a person-partner sharing activities and more or several people partners at that... but a best friend is tough to come by and i really don't see anyone i know fitting the bill at the moment, so i shall sigh and enjoy myself and the alone time (cuz i still love my alone time) and i'll go out when i want some social time...

are you bored to tears yet? (why are you still here, anyway?... i'm not laughing at you, more laughing at me and this self-indulgent often narcissistic babbling i've been doing nearly this whole life time wishing someone would move in and share it all with me and loving everyone else who cares to stop in and check up on me, but it is sometimes an oddly unbelievable feeling that anyone would care enough to actually read all this... what?... nobody does?... oh... nevermind) :P :)

heading out to play cards now... hope you are making your life fun too :)

still sweet softball

even going 1-1 today is sweet, especially since the team that beat us was champs last year and dang good... personally i've had my best three game stretch in a 24 hour period going 10 for 11 with 7 rbis, 2 doubles and a triple (but the triple was really na third double and i got to third on an error... i miss jackson lots when softball is around cuz she was my softball partner... tennis partner too... got to find new partners for my sports cuz sports are more fun with partners... and tennis is tough to play alone... badum da...

time for food and then, more softball... hope you are making your weekend fun too... and remember, there are many vacancies here waiting for the right partner(s)... sports is just one :)

sweet softball

winning is sweet... going 2 for 2 with 2 rbis is sweet... winning 11-2 is sweet (and we gave them the 2 runs they got, sweet)... hung out with some of the softball friends from this team and teams past after the game and finally headed home... this aloneness is not sweet, but i am adjusting... early morning softball tomorrow so i really ought to get some sleep but it's friday night so hey, party on my own in my head and on the net and get the energy level back up on the upswing again this weekend and live until i die (instead of dying while i live)...

someday someone will share it all, stick around and stay in touch all the time... until then, cheers :)

naps are good

just waking from a nice nap, yeah, nice nap... torn between curling up on the couch and falling asleep to some music (or tv) or laying out in bed and letting sleep come if it will or heading out for a run and possible being away another couple or few hours... the latter is unwise cuz the leg muscles would be tight for the six+ hours of softball scheduled for the next three days, but rain could change that... the second one might be the same awakeness as bed has not been comfortable lately, the mattress is way old and lumpy... the couch is way too soft, but has sentimental comfort as long as i don't mind the back strain... yeah, should have bought jackson's bed... but i prefer the extra space in this place more, so... nice nap, yeah, nice nap... really...

and how was your night? :)

moving on

another ridiculous day at work, i mean, this is becoming a really bad habit... not pausing to eat or drink even though i brought in yogurt for lunch... more and more i am ready for a change, though it'll take some figuring (dollas) to get that done and i don't plan on breaking the lease here unless some millionaire wants to adopt me (maybe the millionaires don't know i'm available for adoption... do let them know, won't you?... ah, i remember when i made my first million... meanwhile, back in the current incarnation)... i really do need to get more sensible with money, especially now that i'm covering this place by myself... never will learn to give less or stop asking for too much i suppose, but even if that keeps me alone forever, i wouldn't want to be any other way... got to be happy with yourself first or you will never be happy with someone else, no matter who they might be...

not even mila kunis?...

laughter cures everything... and a busy weekend ahead (don't know when i'll find time to actually clean this place up and make it presentable to a guest, but then... what?)... turning up the exercise and hopefully, energy level... been coasting a while now... living alone will help be get back to my own natural equilibrium... softball tomorrow night, a double header saturday morning, two hours of practice saturday evening, cards saturday night, and another game sunday... until i find someone else to share more, i'll just get busy enjoying myself doing what i enjoy doing...

missing jackson and happiness (yeah, a little too much, i know, but hey, i did adopt them and went suddenly to living alone so it's understandable... at least i think it's understandable, but then, i've been known to be misunderstood a lot in this life)... actually i am surprised she isn't texting more (i mean, she's a texting fiend always texting when we went out no matter where we were... oh, does that tell me something about me?... shudup) or calling more (especially tonight for some jacksonville support as they are playing new england and everybody where she lives now are new england fans... guess she doesn't need the support... or doesn't want it from me (ouch, don't do that fool)... ah, but seriously, 1600+ miles, built-in friends, and a romance does separate even the best of friends and it's time to leave my imagination behind and stop fooling myself (or dreaming, aye?) and deal with reality (booo, reality sucks, where's the one who really gets me and my raspberries?... oh, nevermind)...

yummy night anyway, hope yours is too :}

woke dreaming

it is so rarely the case that i wake up dreaming and remember the dream or even bits of a dream but there was a conversation remnant rattling through the brain as i stumbled back into consciousness a bot earlier and it only goes to show, it's always something (though seldom the memory of a dream)... i actually was not sure if i actually had a conversation with someone on the phone and fell asleep during the conversation or if i dreamed the whole thing... according to the dream, or what i think was a dream, i was having trouble hearing the person... i woke with the phone on my chest and a new text message with a photo of jackson's bedroom in it... yes, it was jackson on the phone in the dream... once again the nuances of the brain intrigue and amuse and leave me wondering, is it live or is it memorex... among other obscure references...

and now, instead of getting a long solid night's sleep, i napped for two hours and have been awake for two hours and will be heading to work in seven hours, though i should head in in six but i don't feel that dedicated this week... in fact, i don't feel at all dedicated this week...

so how are you doing amidst all the emoness of the last few weeks of the (e)thereal?... it would be sweet if you were as amused as i was, sweeter still if you were the one and we moved in together and lived happilly ever after, but i'll settle for a grunt as acknoledgement that you are still alive and we still exist... not that i expect even that, but hey, i keep asking cuz i care...

how you doin?

torn between two lovers

not in the romantic sense, just to clear that up right off the top... nope, i am torn between the love of physical exercise and fitness and sharing sensuality with the love of food... and tonight, food wins again cuz i've got chocolate creme pie in the fridge... seriously chocolate... turkey burgers for dinner before the pie... finally used the george foreman... i sort of figured out how... now to figure out how to take it apart to clean it... tiny kitchen... a yogurt as an appetizer...

but the edward's chocolate creme pie, ahhhhhh...

i never really got that close to anyone i guess... and as much as i wanted to be wanted and needed and as much as i gave and felt needed, the real emotional connection that creates that loving needing bonds just doesn't seem to happen... i wonder if it ever did... maybe once... i wonder how she's doing now (her name was sandy, in case you didn't know)... not sure if it was there for anyone else like amy or shari or barb or... oh, am i using real names?... maybe, the att fiasco wiped out the gardens of one where all the real and fantasies morphed into all the names that started the written gardens online (and i was much less creative in naming blog names back then), so anything is possible and the more obscure and inconsistent (or consistent) i am, the more their privacy is protected, after all... what?... well, for me, it's kind of pretty much the opposite... i bond unconditionally with just about anybody i let in and give everything i've got and create the illusion of a permanent inseparable bond and love and want and need (family, from sibling to parent-child to best friend to whatever, though not the fall in love romantic fantasy for some time) and the pain of separating aches for a long time for me... even as i realize it's just my illusion, no matter how intense it feels, and i was never nearly as important or vital to the other person...

the pie is so yummy though...

and so nobody knows...

narf :}

oh so slowly

so the most attractive person (for me) that i am close to in real life these days talks me into heading out tonight to a trivia night and her influence wakes me enough to head out for the first run since jackson left (details here) which means (all together now) there's always hope (i hope)... yes, i did say attractive person (he's not dead yet, aye?... what?)...

oh go ahead, mock me, you won't be the first... i am always the first... nyuk nyuk... or is that a rim shot?... badumba... yeah, so my best friend (did she know she was my best friend?... was i her best friend?... my answers are, in particular order, i don't know, and i don't think so... but there's always hope, right?... what was i saying?)... oh yeah, so my best friend moved far away and i'm feeling lonely and wondering if it's time to actually consider a relationship as in a real-ationship as in an intimate coupling without clothing, or at least cuddling...

who the heck reads this, anyway?...

yeah, fun night :)

changes change fast

the last post and the post before are much longer lasting expressions of me (and probably more interesting), but this is the momentary experience, the brief record of life as it happens blog and so, bye bye miss american pie, or the emo meaningful stuff, for that matter... yeah right, it never really leaves... but anyway...

i finally moved some boxes into a corner in the front bedroom, yeah, jackson's room... and so the love seat and couch are now clear... i might sleep on one or the other now and then so i can really indulge the emo-child and missing them... scent memory, you know?... at least i am not a cross dresser (she'll be happy to know i decided not to put on any of her clothes as she laughs at the thought... anybody appreciate irreverence?)...

enjoyed sci-fi monday and a few texts back and forth with jackson... good news and good feelings but it is obvious that she is a whole lot more important to me than i am to her and even more, she has a whole lot more going on in her life and people to share the daily life than i do... i mean, she's living with three others, one who is devoted to her and integral in getting her up there and four dogs, one who is a part of her, and she has a relationship up there as well and a new job keeping her mind and time full of new stuff and me, well, i've got me and my job and the tv and the laptop and my imagination and dreams... sounds kinda pathetic at my end, aye?... or at least repetitive...

no wonder nobody wants to deal with my honesty all the time...

time off work, time for me would be good now...

once again, maybe next month...

days may blur for a while

weird how much i miss them... i mean, she was hardly ever home and had so little time to hang out in the last six months and he was always needy looking for her and wanting to play and begging for food and just like the little kid inside of me (did i say that?)... and i was watching my savings head downhill (still am) and i love the solitude too and we were so very cramped in this place... but i miss them so much it hurts... of course that could be cuz everywhere i look i see work i do not want to do and the place is still as cluttered as ever but now the girl and her dog who made it worth living in the clutter is gone... all that's left is the cluttered space and the aloneness... so there's a tinge of frustration mixed in with the lonely missing them...

just one thing to do...

develop a meaningful sentient existence

(get a life)

ha ha ha, everybody's a comediana... did you know that edward's chocolate creme pie is decadently delicious?... yeah, well, i ate a kashi dinner jackson left in the freezer and a half a creme pie... sunflower seeds for dessert... what?... who wants normal?... yeah, ok, i obviously need to find some local tennis and exercise partners or i will not be able to fit into any of my clothes... maybe i ought to stop feeling sorry for myself first?... if only somebody took me seriously, i might start doing it again too...

heck, has anybody really understood me really?... ever?... much doubts about that... but then, no harm in asking, aye?... 'cept when it hurts... duh... doh... dum...

thunder and lightening outside... and no one to share it... yes, i obviously (after quite a few years, actually) feel seriously lonely and the hunger to share daily life again... even more than jackson and i did... but that's always been my trouble, hasn't it, (as if you know) wanting to share everything all the time with someone who is my whole world who also makes me her whole world... so ridiculously romantic (impossibly, perhaps) for these modern rush around way too busy times...

this is not supposed to be a rambling blog, remember?... omigosh, does this mean it is time for another blog to begin?... well, several already have (shhhhh, secrets will be told in due time)... well, if you've been paying attention at all then you know the answer to that and many other questions... several, obviously...

got to let nature take it's course :)

the question above

there is so little time in the mornings, but the question above wakes me most days (or is it just something to relate to the time... shhhh, literary references are meant to hold a reader's attention, not to be taken apart by the author and therein distract the reader with obvious manipulations... stephen king, whatever have you done?)...

so does anybody, i mean, really? :)

sighs and cheers

or cheers and sighs as playing softball without jackson happened plenty while we lived together, but knowing she's way up north is sad cuz she was the only one who shared daily life every day and now, alone again naturally is not as much fun as it used to be... it is good i do not have the concern of her being alone to think about as she has several good people and casey to share her daily life and help her transition into her new life and job and dreams... so i will sigh a while as i adjust to my lonely daily routines and i will do my best not to miss jackson and happiness too much cuz she has a much busier life than i do now and does not have time to check in with me every day, or many times a day for meal plans or other daily life stuff, as we used to...

did not realize what a challenging adjustment this would be as i've always loved solitary time... jackson and happiness were more special at this time in this life for me than i realized... but not pity-party time cuz i am not rejected (even if i feel left out now... that's a feeling not really warranted but more a poor-me loneliness and i know that)...

what i need to do is choose (or find) someone capable of sharing more daily life with me... not an easy task as i am a particularly picky person when it comes to roommates and people in general as most people are pretentious liars and users and insensitive self-destructive wasters... and i am one...

i know better and do my best to act better every day... i do not want to share my daily life with someone who does not know better or someone who does not do their best to act better every day... and i must realize that i have compromised and given up on myself, people, and life itself a whole lot more than i ever thought i would and i do not know how far back to the way i once was i will work to get cuz it is work... and how will someone believe in me when i am not as or where i need to be may be the primary reason i am alone again... honesty is a very rare thing and i want to share it...

and so it goes (and so few have ever known :)

the blurry healing

a strange googlish glitch brought this post to be re-dated for just now (i fixed it but was it the universe testing who was really listening/reading?... or maybe testing if i was?... queue robert kline sounds, aye?)... you had to be there maybe*...

*so much missing going on...

this music is still much more to the point though :)

so aside from lots of softball texts breaking the flow of the emotional catharsis and a few glitches in uploading more songs to the MaD playlist linked above, the afternoon flows by quickly, relatively speaking, as time flies when we're having fun, even when the heart feels like time is dragging (the irony of relative perspective... or the relativity of perspective, perhaps... so much of what we call irony may not be irony, after all... is that irony?)...

laughing at myself even if you aren't getting it... it's something we might call the blurry healing as the music (MaD playlist) drills down into the core and exposes everything (so far beyond words, no one will ever know without in depth study in person, but hey, maybe that was the point of the universe tricking blogger into re-dating that post, aye?...

yeah, you had to be there maybe... wish somebody was (lam*)...

(*laughter does not change the sadness*, it only makes it feel better)

(the title may be more poignant than the words*)

*who remember asterisks? (or parentheses for that matter)

so much silence

the absence of puppy, happiness, is the biggest change as i wake on this first sunday alone in this space... the snacking last night does not help as i feel quite bloated... wonder how long before i motivate myself to exercise... the solitary exercise is the meditative leap that will be the break through into acceptance of the reality of living alone...

are you as bored as i am of this dragging out the changes period?... even the creativity is kinda weak this time when compared to previous years (you'll just have to look back yourself for comparison cuz we don't have the time and the hand-written written gardens are in storage north of niagara falls... yeah, still... i did pay the bill for this year finally... they cashed the check so the stuff must still be up there... long strange trip continues, no less, aye?)... but there is creativity - so yay :)

burned incense last night... smells like jackson in here now cuz it's her incense... everything around me including the chair upon which i sit is her stuff actually as the living room furniture was all hers and yeah, the boxes remain where they were left piled on the couches and floor and so on... it's really, physically, like she's not gone and will be back any minute... happiness too...

waking up emo, no doubt (laughing at myself even as i wallow in the lonelies, aye?... if only you understood all the layers, you'd run away like everybody else... or wait, that was supposed to be more optimistic... lmfao at myself, lam... that would be lmfaoam, actually... are you really following the subtle subtext and the betwixt and between the lines stuff this week?... amazed that toronto hasn't picked up on all this yet... perhaps we need a more severe cheese grater to run the heart over and through?... oh stop it, you're killing me - and thank you jack benny)...

somebody wake groucho, the irreverence is kinda weak in spots :}

realizing missed opportunities

realizing i held back so much during the years jackson lived here cuz that's where i live, on the surface, these days cuz the emo-heart child inside is still so vulnerable is a scary sad moment that came in that waking clarity that lasts a fraction of a millisecond and is almost always missed by the conscious mind... remembering the giggling deliciousness of the last night (food and wine was expensive, but seriously good) and while fatigue and awkwardness of introductions and other stuff played a role, the walls never really came down even living here... blame it on no time, of course, but that's a lame excuse... she never really knew me cuz i never really came out to play past the surface... and listening to the meg and dia playlist helps rub it in too... it's a good rub in the end, just lonely, if ya know what i mean...

and all i can do is sigh :}

switching to music

daring the slippery slope (of the landslide, ya know) of the music (of the night) and testing the new meg and dia playlist i put together and so far it is doing well in reminding me of the fantasy i long for and the reality i lost and the good news is that there is powerful creative crossover while still clarify in the distinction between what was and what is and what i want to be... click below to start the music and listen along...

so jackson leaving can rekindle all the past departures of friends and lovers and soulmates because she was that special kind of friend who connected deeply enough to wake the emo kids without needing to be a romantic partner... sometimes it is tougher to lose a friend like that than it is to break up with someone, but then, she isn't lost at all, she's just far away and like bob said, temporarily disconnected... and the loneliness left here can potentially rekindle the desire for love as in to be in love again... and if you were listening to meg and dia, you'd get it...

meanwhile, who's gonna remind me to sleep on weekends now?... or to get to softball games on time, for that matter... so yeah, instead of nodding off earlier i ate some more, an egg salad sandwich... then i went out to get a milk shake... once again the local corner store machines were broken and i found myself at walmart so i bought some other junk and also some milk...

laundry

so weird to walk into jackson's room and pick up her stuff, to use her hangers to hang up my clothes, to wash the clothes she left... shudders of toronto on that level, but it is the process... cleaning and rearranging the stuff and moving into the whole space cuz i live here alone now and surely can use all of the space with all the stuff i have... tomorrow morning i'll clean her room and start moving stuff in there, or so is the plan for as much as i plan...

another blog was born since the last entry, but i'll reserve the introductions and explanations and integration into the written gardens for the moment as i do not want to get lost in the words and forget laundry and the cleaning as i so often do and find the weekend passed and not enough got done as so often happens... are you hearing the sardonic chuckling (or something like that?)...

an ncis marathon is a bittersweet background for this transition weekend... would be easier in the short term if i had plans with friends away from this place but the stuff and space would still need to be dealt with, so i am dealing... relaxing and fun comes after the work that needs to be done...

who said life is fair? (snark :}

and so it goes

i started picking up the boxes jackson left and sorting through my clothes and put the first load of laundry in and that is the first step of accepting the change in the physical reality... the letting go has officially begun outside of the head (heart and mind) which is a very good thing because it means the letting go has progressed well within... sad, sure, but joy in the acceptance and the well wishes and the actualization of unconditional love...

not sure what i want to do with the couches and furniture... thought it was all going to be gone... it never did fit into the living room well as the living room space is smaller than the stuff... some things will go into the bedroom... couch or love seat... maybe table... maybe bookshelf... maybe a chair or two (those are mine and have been in storage since we moved here)... and so many boxes, hers and mine... wonder what is still in the storage closet outside... all in due time, one step taken, that is a good thing... actually, more than one step, the big steps are inside and in the written gardens... a few new blogs (ooo, did i tell?)... we'll catch up with those soon enough...

yeah, i do love the drama of change (laugh more than cry and the balance is happiness) but even more, i love the reverence and respect of taking the time to treasure the memories and let the best feelings embed in the heart (emo part of the brain, ya know)... and the hope that someone will walk this road all the way with me and understand and choose the same depth and intensity and processes for themselves and share them all with me continues to be the shining star that wakes me up and keeps me going...

hope you hang on to your star too :)

awakish

and for better, worse, sickness, health, sense or nonsense, as if you are out there, whomever you may be, reading, caring, and waiting for more, i continue...

eyes still a little blurry from long term fatigue and lack of exercise and high sugar diet and whatever but not tired enough to fall back asleep partly cuz the brain is working overtime on thoughts and feelings and memories and what to do what to do... it is one of those moments where i do not know what to do with myself... i checked email, seldom do, and found many important emails like from attorneys and banks and others that required response so i responded and sent some to work so i could print them monday... taking care of business... and now i sit here longing for cuddling or at least companionship... i miss the comfort of jackson as a roommate but even more i miss the absolute unconditional attention (affection, adoration, love) from happiness...

no, another roommate or another animal is not the answer... at least not at the moment... exercise and eating healthier and losing weight and cleaning the place and putting all jackson's stuff and boxes in her old room and re-moving into this place and taking car of some financial business and other official formal responsible life stuff is the answer, but for the moment i shall sit here pondering distractions as the first weekend alone hits like an empty water balloon and sucks the wind and motivation to do anything right out of me... at least, as i say, for the moment...

no worries as this is my process and it has been very healthy for me throughout this life (in case you are a newcomer to me) and i have been writing a lot of cool stuff this week that is inspired by the feelings (and the sparks of wanting a friend and lover and romance and partner still glimmer so patience and find the smiles and if you can't well, patience then)...

so yes, it would have been so much easier if this place was empty of her stuff and if i spent a week or so up there getting to know her new life and bonding and reassuring myself that i mattered and will continue to matter (and if i want to believe she left her stuff here not just out of convenience but because i matter, maybe that is not just delusion since her personal journals and diaries are some of the stuff she left, ironically, closest to where i am sitting in the recliner chair she left for me) and she wasn't camping out of touch this first weekend and i had made busy plans with friends this first weekend and softball wasn't cancelled last night this first weekend and so on and so forth and scooby sdooby doo this first weekend and la la la la la, but it is what it is...

no one said it would be easy... that's life, ya know...

i think i shall do what i do, indulge my creative music, my emo, my secrets and passions and child inside... it has been so long since i gave child inside more than a few moments... and one moment at a time, baby steps, that is the way...

so how has your weekend been so far? :)

caught up, sorta

yeah, inserted entries as much as i could remember and while there was some sadness influencing them as the lonelies are strong this first weekend alone here amidst the boxes of her life, the memories are good and the unconditional love feels wonderful and the hope for her success and happiness rises above any selfish sadness... yeah, and someday my princess will come, right? :}

writing from the memories, still so many vague and misty cuz here i sit so all alone (i know, my choice... but there's no one to replace the two very precious truly special roommates... i didn't actually think i would share my living space again after precious and rasputin cuz i was treasuring my privacy and freedom and yet, jackson and happiness were right for sharing living space with me... the sadness is how rare finding someone so right to live with can be in this life)...

sheeesh, maybe i should write after midnight for a while, aye? :}

inconvenience stores

found some cookies sitting on a cup on the windowsill from last week when we went out to one of jackson's favorite places, a salad place called sweet tomatoes... they were fresher when we brought them home about ten days ago... gosh i miss that silly girl... and her little dog too :)

so i went out to the corner store for a 69 cent drink of code red and a snack and the code red was empty and i thought and thought and decided to drive elsewhere so i drove down to the next corner store and decided it would be easier and cheaper to turn right and hit walmart and after wandering around for a while and putting code red and whiteout and the new orange flavor and grapefruit juice and milk and chocolate syrup and prune juice and three boxes of cup cakes and two bags of nuts (garlic pistachios and onion glazed cashews into the cart i stepped up to the front and waited in line and waited in line and waited in line and walked out of the store leaving the goodies in the cart, definitely not easier, so i decided to head back to the other convenience store which meant a right turn then u-turn where i got a slurpee and code red and a couple of cupcakes and finally arrived back home an hour later... so much for a five minute run to the corner convenience store, aye?...

the game was rained out (the universe did not cooperate at all tonight as distraction and social time was very much wanted), so i stewed around here amidst the clutter and memories texting jackson to wish her a good trip (cuz she's going camping with happiness and friends this weekend) and texting precious to catch up a bit and she signed me up for pottermore and watched ncis and family guy and alphas and haven and ate cupcakes and drank the slurpee with code red added and here we are, alone together...

so how was your night?...

inside and out

yeah, so there is a place inside where i still ramble on in my silly happy carefree confident creative sometimes serious way cuz deep down i am a whole secure person at peace with the reality of this life, which is quite lonely from the outside looking in, but closer to the surface the sadness surrounds me with almosts and could have beens and wishes and memories and lots of empty clutter devoid of human intimacy or even much contact...

work was a clean up day and i got home a bit early... i wanted to get out to the banks and post office and other places, but the day slipped by... maybe in the morning if i wake...

softball tonight, hope you have fun too...

not easier, just drifting

even as work had me rushing around all day without pausing for thought much (so was i thoughtless?... i wish, ha ha huh) and all's well that ends well (cuz i am just that good at protecting the bottom line and selling the positive perspective of the hospital business... if only the truth was as good as the presentation)... so maybe tomorrow i will do some actual work for the hospital instead of just selling it and protecting it...

meanwhile, life at home drifts...

it's the relative suddenness, really... i mean, i thought it would be another year or longer... but unprepared just means it takes longer to adjust and so, drifting cuz drifting makes the adjusting to the sudden change easier...

also, just as suddenly, must stop spending money...

life goes on, make it fun, for too soon it will be done... and the people who care will remain in your life and the people who don't don't matter... take care of yourself and the people who care and just climb jacob's ladder...

cha cha cha :}

the universe cares or

something like that... so i moped (not as in riding a moped to work) and felt the lonelies big time and wondered if anybody ever really cared about me for real and whether i am really worth anything to anybody other than a few dollars and i drag myself into work without a shower (but at least did dry shave) planning on slowly distracting myself with work while taking time to get to the bank and pay rent and send out the credit card letter and so on and what do i find... a half dozen investigators are at the facility doing a full annual survey for acha by acha people from another district in addition to our ahca and dcf people... so i didn't sit down to breath too much today and no time for much of anything but dancing with the surveyors...

so it's now dinner time...

jackson called to tell me about her day and that felt really good like maybe i really do matter in her life and have value, aye?... ah, most seriously, i love living alone and yet, this time, i miss my roommates (yes, happiness too) more than i've missed any roommates in decades... even though the place was cramped and cluttered and messy and now i may even have the space to spread out and unpack, i miss them cuz they cared so well and it was good to live with healthy caring and most of all, they needed me and i forgot how much i love to be needed...

so much for the distractions of the day, aye? :}

take care of yourself and your friends cuz you never know when they will be gone and you are on your own again... most important to remember is that near or far, true friends who love you unconditionally are the most important thing in the world...

ta da! :}

(hey, i'm trying, ya know? :}

some other time

referencing the sad, heavy, etc, some other time (when someone cares to ask, perhaps, or when i make time to remember again, if i do before this body dies, that is)... so back home and alone again, naturally, and if the place was empty or clean it would be a new adventure with more excitement but the place is a wreck of boxes and dirtiness and much of jackson's stuff that i must sort through and find a corner for and so, find the time and clean it up and then, a new life...

i could just sit here for days or weeks in this mess as work swallows most of my time and vegetation swallows the rest (the self-pathetic baby inside likes that idea cuz the spb is stupid), but then, maybe somebody will actually reach out and keep in touch (like a friend?) and motivate me to motivate myself to sing and dance and get back into the show (life, the show, who remembers?)...

meanwhile, for the moment, i really don't know what to do with myself (obviously i don't want to know, but shhhh)... don't want to just go out for distraction... don't want to do anything around here (though laundry would be wise as i am working tomorrow)... just want to let go in my way, slowly, meaningfully, like all the time shared really mattered a lot... no wonder i am so alone, aye? :}

maybe i'll catch up on sci-fi monday tv (if i don't focus on having nobody to watch with me, right?)... hopefully some time this week i will remember to think about the feelings and events of the past week and catch up a bit cuz posterity would be upset (or so i hope, aye?) if i didn't record the details... cuz even if nobody else has time to share it all, ever, i can hope someone will someday, somewhere (you know, in that place for us?)... some other time... cuz the bottom line (the point and all) is that when i am not avoiding or feeling so lonesome i could die or some other sappy poor-me song, i care and want to know...

and how are you?

the sad is heavy

oh... woh... the sad is so heavy...

and all i want to do is sleep...

but there is so little time and so much to do (and catch up must wait again)...

alone...

is that depressing?...

it is heavy sad...

leaving on a jet plane

oh babe, i hate, to go...

sigh...

a wonderful day

so full of the sweets and the bittersweets (and not a bit of bitter, which is wonderful)... wishing there was more time... more time for jackson to relax and rest and enjoy without work... more time for happiness to adjust to the move... more time for me to spend on vacation up here... more time to share memories...

delicious Maine lobster rolls for lunch... even more delicious food and wine for dinner (i had the lobster and ravioli and jackson had the salmon oh so yum and we shared the lobster rangoons and clambake fritters more yum and some of the best clam chowder i ever tasted and a pretty good wine and a buzz and a wonderful memory of a very special roommate and friend)...

time moves way too fast :}

morning in maine

wonderful :)

more when i have more time, a bit more on facebook... hope life is wonderful (or at least smiling more than frowning) where you are too :)