serious as you wanna be

naturally i want to subtly point you in this direction hoping it will somehow bring the one or at least someone to wait with, but enough mockery of my fragile heart, how are you?... sometimes canned pasta really sucks and then i remember who i am... of course i should be sleeping... someone once upon a time knew the secret of my rhyme and then the world came to an end because i lost faith in love what?... oh, the broken heart i could not mend without the one to share it all inspired to fly no fear to fall and years of loss alone inside pretend to live but really died amazed that hope somehow survived somewhere somehow someone arrived (in my dreams, no doubt)... but we can just slide by all that and get on with the entry at hand... i would be sleeping if i had any sense, but i am flat broke (metaphorically speaking) so i stuffed more food into the gullet and now feel too bloated to lay down or sleep so here we are, so attractive it is obviously simply irresistible...

if you only knew the innocence inside, you too would be one of the few who know...

narf :)

minus the caffeine

yes, well, the previous entry only proves that overeating with much sugar does not always lead to manic ranting or high energy activity, especially not after a long stress-filled work week... no, all that food and sugar needs another ingredient to assure the manic and that ingredient is caffeine, so sans caffeine, sleep comes naturally...

when it's time to die
send me on a sugar high
some pot and ecstasy
capped off with some lsd

and if the drugs can't make it
that's alright... i can take it
just fill me with chocolate
say farewell but not goodbye

when it's time to die
just send me on a sugar high

it's a lonely thing that keeps me awake now... maybe... some people turn to alcohol, many people do, actually... others turn to other drugs... i choose foods that turn me on... mind and body escape into the sensations that foods can bring... maybe you heard (or read) that before... if it's getting old, it's only cuz i've been doing it for a long long time... cuz i've been alone for a long long time... do you remember a long long time?... sometimes i'd like to forget, but i have not forgotten yet, though moments of bliss i miss, sometimes i regret, whatever it was, whatever it means, i seldom remember my dreams... no worries down deep, someday i will sleep, alone i will write, long into the night, i will be alright, i will be alright, and i am alright... alone but alright...

and narf :)

sometimes a love song

there was a time when i lived a love song, i lived the dream of falling in love and wrote line after line, rhyme after rhyme expressing devotion and desire, passion and promise, the irressitible hunger to be with the one who shares that irressitable desire to be with me... and then, love because confused, hard and abused, cruel and refused, and left out in the cold to die... tic, tic, tic, the clock sang a sad song as time moved on without me, as love was forgotten somewhere inside, as the business of life, of work, of making money and sharing the superficial struggles to survive and casual recreational activities replaced the burning desire to be in love... somewhere inside my core still lives in love, my consciousness just does not remember it as often as it used to... a sadly lost senstation... emotional constipation... a fool's laughter at a heart's emaciation... confabulation... a tragic loss of creation... but sometimes late at night when i'm alone... my heart wakes imagination... and i dream the only dream i've ever known...

my eyes are slaves to your beauty
they follow your every move
wait for your command
do you understand?

my hands are slaves to your desires
they only want to know what you want
wait for your command
do you understand?

is this not the love song you expected?
is this not the love song you desire?
every since the moment we connected
passion is the magic you inspire
or something like that...

narf :)

no dog, no girl

it's a night almost alone, the cat remains, but cats suck up all the attention and loving they can get and then disappear into the night as opposed to dogs... dogs are almost constantly needy... or maybe that's hunger... anyway, jackson and happiness are away for the night so there is me and curious and nothing to do but rest after a long week of high stress work and more to do than there was time to do it... the good, or actually great news is the survey fever is over and we did fine and work is gonna stay on the shelf until monday (barring emergencies) and tonight, alone, i shall write until i sleep... many entries to cross, or at least catch up on, rivers, ya know?...

the music tapes lost in toronto (i didn't say stolen, but the cruelty remains) call out to me tonight... and so it goes, and so it goes, and the only one who knows doesn't really care, even though she thinks she does... we all believe what we want to believe and delusion is easier than reality, so who cares...

this isn't over...

mercurial

there have been many words used to describe me and my personality and my style and my way and many have some truth, much truth, even, but the most accurate word to describe me may be mercurial... i fit in nowhere because to fit in, one must have shape, form, consistency... one must be like the others with whom one fits... mercurial is shapeless as it forms any shape, changing with the whim of it's surroundings... forming and unforming and forming again, trying on the infinite diversity of the human perspectives and reaching beyond to where few people ever imagine... few remain mercurial beyond infancy...

i think i remain mercurial because i don't care about fitting in, about belonging anywhere except one place i've yet to find... i want to fit in with just one person... i wonder sometimes if the one will be mercurial like me or whether she will be the form i fill forever, the shape that brings a permanence to me...

sure would like to find out :)

before july ended

in the final hours of the month of july in the year two thousand and fifteen a dozen or so entries were written to fill the gap of ten days that happened, look, it happened and we can't change that, although you'd never know if you weren't here or there then and i didn't mention it, but whatever the flow shall continue until every last line is written and every last word is squeezed out of the mind of the author of the blog you are reading... it was only chance that i am here with you today for another chance might have lead me to being in theatre as i am the most amazing actor you will ever see which only comes up because hayden has a body i'd love to make love to even if it was fake acting but then she is just one of many like mila and milla and you know the list libbo loves as if there was another life line lived somewhere out there, but rather the life lead me into health care and helping others day to day which left no time to explore the other chances and paths that might have expressed my other talents and genius, but you know what could have been because, well, you know...

laughing all the way :)

late night hunger appeals

so often i hear the late night hunger appeals but they never really get real... they pander to the guilt, the religious delusions, the soft-soap sell of sad starving children but just once i would like the pitch to simply be a listless infant on a straw mat with no voice, no sales pitch, just the shortest story playing... a second filimg could insert a few of the images from the song into the video, the sun, the bird crawling across the sky, simply visuals as simple as the lyric... the simple story...

one two three what are we fighting for?

and then what?...

he ho who ha

or was that she sho shu sha?... whatever either might mean to you, live with it cuz i am not even going to begin to explore what it might mean to me, though i will strongly suggest it was not a reference to fee fi fo fum or any such story previously told but then, you might make some connection to something and i did say whatever it means to you is what you will live with so this entry is yours, at least so far... as if words can belong to anyone... as if ideas can belong to anyone... the human folly of trying to possess and control everything is as prevalent a delusion as any religion or fear, but that may be another story... if you were looking for a miracle, just imagine one and you'll find it if you want it enough... your choice, your energy, your mind... and it is all in your mind...

sometimes an entry comes along just because it's time for an entry to come along, perhaps it's a desperate attempt to connect, to find some sort of interaction, sharing, caring, not feeling alone... there's a lot of that going around lately...

feel free to discuss or share as you wish...

narf :)

away a bit

last weekend it was atlanta with jackson to see the cubs play the braves... we can check turner field off the list of major league stadiums we've been to on the way to our goal of seeing a game in every stadium... and the most recent last weekend it was knoxville for a softball tournament with my sunday team, sort of... i say sort of because few of my sunday team showed up so it felt like playing with a team of strangers and we lost fours straight, our worst showing at any tournament i've even been to... and we are not sure who will be on our team this coming season, but hopefully it will not be a winless season... that would be a first too... it was good to get away and the luxury of the marriott was relaxing, but it was definitely awkward... and so i was away a bit... and so there was a span of time without entries but that was apparently remedied over the course of time, relative, you know?... is it all as meaningless as it seems when it isn't shared?... papa can you hear me?...

so the catch up happens, the process (remember the process?) continues... how about you?...

narf :)

life, death, whatever

from the beginning, from the stuff of stars, the physics, the chemistry, the biology, from the stuff of magic, the unexplained miracles, to the knowledge of how it works, the man behind the curtain, the understanding of everything, it's not changed... all that changes is our perspective, our knowledge, our being... and the changes keep on changing, so it is said... what i mean is, the difference is just in how I think and see and the only changes going on are going on in me as in, perspective is everything... if you are receiving any of this understanding, we might actually communicate someday...

yeah, so why am i not notey, aye?...

narf lol :)

running no more

well, it's not that bad, i hope... i mean, it's not that i will never run again as if life is over for the athelete and youth... but i am remembering a time when i used to be able to run everywhere i wanted to go... when running was just moving as naturally as walking... the stamina is not there for that anymore... and the muscles are no longer able to maintain the cellular process to maintain constant movement for hours like they once did... it certainly does not help that i no longer run daily, heck, i don't even take long brisks walks daily in recent years... there have been those periods when i walk/jogged now and then and up until last year i walk/jogged at least a few 5k races each year... and how many times in the last few years have i written that i must start again or else, the ultimate else, alas, and time goes by... and i stay awake too late and i burn candles at both ends and in the middle too and and i work too much and move too little and whine about my lazy procrastination and here we are again... wherever this is...

i am rushing from task to task leaving little time or energy for anything else, but that's not running... i don't want to be running no more, so i said it again... write it again... i don't want to be running no more... hopefully this will change something and i will stop ignoring what i want...

narf!

the butt hurts

from sitting so long... and even though i wrote that more than ten days ago, it is true at this moment as well... almost tenty entries and several hours of glancing up at the tv and back to writing and back to tv and back to writing... obviously i changed the word with the profound product of my genius... or am i just passing gas... you can decide since you are the one reading, but if you judge what you do not understand you compound your ignorance and reduce your chances of understanding and without understand, what is the point... right?... does your butt hurt too?...

of course i go for the cheap laughs, i'm not made of money after all...

narf :)

a touch of musical theatre

would do a doo doo sung to the tune of do wah diddy be a good potty training song?... meanwhile, in other thoughts, the genius of musical theatre was seldom exemplified as well as by stephen sondheim and leanard bernstein in west side story and watching the last fifteen minutes brought back some of the greatest musical theatre memories of some of the most powerful musical theatre experiences i've known in this life... west side story is one of those few shows i once knew inside and out to the point of recalling every word, every inflection, every staging i've ever experienced from multiple perspectives, on stage and off... fiddler on the roof, jesus christ superstar, the sound of music, la cage aux folles, and a very few others have become part of me through repeated performances and viewings (phantom of the opera, my fair lady, man of la mancha, and so many i am leaving out)... memories (some songs stand alone outside of their story, ya know?)... and west side story is followed by yentl, so many great questions... why have a mind, if not to question why?... i love stories that question and challenge stereotypes...

to merge words and music to inspire and provoke emotional experiences and profound thought or simply to provide an escape from daily reality is sheer genius for me... i miss being immersed in musical theatre...

sigh :)

taped silence

everything i wanted was explained in words in song i put on tapes so i'd remember when my mind got in my way and as i'd sing all the emotions would use every adjective and adverb possible to bring me back to where i know myself to where i find my love is perfect and the magic of the knowing bring the rest of peace so secure it dissolves all worries and confusion leaving only euphoria and bliss... that is a place i miss...

now the tapes are far away left in the hands of someone who said they cared but they kept them and left me without the keys to myself...

all that's left is glimpses... taped silence... flashes now and then between the sadness of loss and leaving trust behind...

still, narf...

shared physical comfort

to share physical comfort, you've got to be physically comfortable with your own body and i wonder how many people really are... i only know my own physical experience and i am not comfortable in this body when this body is bloated or flabby or buldging and i am even less comfortable being close to another body that is bloated or flabby or buldging and fat repulses me which is probably why i prefer smaller breasts, but that's more of a sexual preference and we weren't discussing sex, after all... physical comfort is so much more than sexual comfort and one can be shared without the other... as years have passed i find it more and more challenging to find shared physical comfort because the aging process brings so many bloats or flabs or buldges in people (and fat), alas, and then, there are the lies and delusions and irrational pretenses people turn to for comfort that bring no comfort whatsoever to me... so shall i lament being alone or shall i accept it or shall i compromise and settle for uncomfortable comfort?... the latter no longer appeals to me no matter how lonely i feel...

so i choose to remain open, accepting aloneness while still hoping someone who understands me will come along to share physical comfort... not sex, but honest physical comfort... and then, we can discuss sex and see if it disrupts the honest physical comfort... unless, of course, there is a mutual libido fantasy to share and then, bliss... what?... you want me to draw a picture for you?... laughing too much for that, you'll just have to find your favorite porn site and come back when you are satisfied... i'll be here waiting for the one...

narf :)

late night tv

the competition tonight is between the princess bride and the fifth element, one exquisitely written story with epic characters that flows so well and so balanced, magically presented, perfectly cast, and cleverly acted it is often at the top of my favorite films list when i decide to ponder a favorite films list (it helps that the primary theme is true love which just happens to be the most powerful desire i've ever known) and the other is another tale of giving it all for love with the cold hard reality of the stupidity of humanity threaded through it which more of us should ponder more often (how else will we ever change enough to actually survive our own stupidity) and omg milla is so freaking adorable and vulnerable in it, how can i choose... almost every time though, i will choose the same one even between two frequent favorites... you, of course, choose as you wish...

working so much this week, no time to turn on the computer and yet, giving up sleep to unwind the mind is still better for the mind even though skipping sleep is harder on the body every year... drinking caffeine keeps the mind going, but stresses the body even more... careful please, i'd rather not die just yet... i might still find true love, after all...

narf :)

irrational is unreasonable

so don't be, ok?... but before we get into the ridiculous delusions most people consider truth and reality in this world, let's move along to something more interesting, like your vulva... what's it like?...

hey, i could have asked about your clitoris, so consider yourself lucky... or unlucky if you wanted to discuss your clit... actually, we are not discussing, you are reading... blind people read with their fingers, you know?... how does it feel to consider a blind person reading your clitoris?... of course the irreverence may stimulate your mind more than the visualization of fingering your clit stimulates your body, but i have hear that blind people can be quite gentle... and if you are not even laughing a little then you have no sense of humor so go find one and don't come back until you do... and the rest of you, are you hungry?... free refreshments down the hall... just avoid the argument clinic and the door that says free getting hit on the head lessons, ok?...

chocolate milk is a wonderful drug if you are not lactose intolerant...

narf :)

twenty quick ones

entries, that is... i've got the cherry-pineapple slushee and mr. softee chocolate shake and a nestle's crunch (thanks to jackson) and before i knew it i was fast asleep sitting here in this chair... good morning good morning, yo...

so where were we?... oh yeah, sugar coma...

narf :)

slight stats

so what the numbers tell me is the uploads from yesterday were not noticed in any sort of uniform way... in fact, this is the somewhat random visitor number tell us for each of the last eleven entries (at least they are the last eleven entries at the moment, that can change, of course, as time is relative as you may have already noticed lol):

1 aloneness distraction
1 twenty quick ones
0 late night tv
0 taped silence
1 butt hurts
0 life, death, whatever
1 he ho who ha
1 before july ended
4 no dog, no girl
2 minus caffeine
2 candor communications

so the randomness of internet searches and visits to blog entries touched upon in the previous entry is all the more emphasized in the number above... why do some pages get more visits than others?... searches?... more people searching for dog and girl than the other titles or subjects of other entries?... well, it's just the first twelve hours after all, we shall see what happens over time...fascinating trivia, perhaps... also relatively meaningless number games... what's it to ya?...

narf :)

the aloneness distraction

not quite a scientific title, but still along the lines of the big bang theory as if that mattered somehow beyond the semantic coincidence of cadence, but true nonetheless even if i am more likely referencing something more like this or even this for crying out loud (from the beginning there has always been this craving for honest love and sharing caring and yes, the romantic fairy tale that some kids still might believe in despite the cynical education and delusions of evil most people succumb to before puberty that leads to the aloneness that distracts from everything and drives us to seek distraction from the lonliness that is often more dangerous than we would ever do if we weren't distracted by the loneliness in the first place...

or something like that...

narf :)

why don't we sleep

more nights than not i could ponder this question but many nights i don't because i am nocturnal and love the way my mind wanders through the night as if the silence and darkness is a drug stimulating my thoughts and emotions into words that express who i am and so much more like literary paintings of imaginary worlds and stories and adventures and philosophical ponderings too... has this ever happened or occurred or queries in you?...

why don't we sleep
together
just for the comfort
and if stimulation
comes when we are deep
in our dreams
we can share it in
honest innocence
and if not then not
and that is fine
for comfort without sex
can still be devine
so why don't we sleep
together
tonight
just for the comfort
alright?
why don't we sleep
together
so we're not alone
tonight

what is that i wrote somewhere down below near the bottom line?... given the choice, i'd share the night with someone rather than spend the night writing... but alone, i'd spend the night writing rather than sleeping alone... seriously, as if the obvious eludes us (always possible, if you are not paying attention)... yes, you can see the answers down there near the bottom line... if you want to... from the beginning and before (online, here, at least)... did you ever notice anything? at all?... there is so much random deepness in (e)thereal disclosures, nocturnal emmissions, the truth and the whole truth, all for your visions if you care to see it's all here... are you really there?... are you are you are you, anywhere?...

chances are...

narf :)

random insults and other amusements

and then he said almost as odd as a chinaman with huge feet and i knew i must have traveled back in time... mourning the loss of lays mesquite bbq chips, you know, the kettle cooked kind, is pointless... obediance is overrated in spite of the attraction to japanese anima, which is poorly disguise child porn if you ask him... yes, he was a man with few options and many opinions... quips were is best defense, weak as that might be... were you the kid who dropped your pencil to sneak looks of classmate's undies under the desk or were you the one who masturbated by rubbing your genitals against the desk or were you obvious to your sexuality until it hit you like a bus going 80 miles an hour?... maybe you still don't know... ever eat a meatball sub without the meat?... might as well be a weird android... radiohead to planet zenon, radiohead to planet zenon, come in zenon... don't kill three, m'ok?...

if you were any more paranoid, you'd believe the people who were out to get you completely forgot about you... low self-esteem is a sure cure for paranoia... paranoia is the result of an illogically overgrown ego... the single minded obsession with fear will squeeze you into the box you fear they will put you in... yo momma...

ever done it with a pillow?... stuffed animal?... fruit?...

narf :)

coulda won, but still had fun

the final game of the monday night softball season was a playoff loss, alas, though i pitched better and hit better and the obstacle to better performance on monday nights appears to be lack of rest sunday nights cuz i took monday off and slept in until at least 11am and was more awake with clear eyes and better reflexes tonight... unfortunately the rest of the team played like they were overtired and a shakey first inning was enough to give us a loss... we had fun though, which is what matters...

at home, i chose to cut back on calories and might be back on the road toward 180 pounds which was the goal at the start of the year but i've been hanging in the 190s... still not exercising any more than softball, which is foolish, but there is so little energy and even less time after work these days, or is it laziness... both, but we'll blame working too much anyway... and that's the latest news across the abdomen and and, of course because you don't want to miss a thing, so this week, read this...

what, looking for lavish descriptions of sexual escapades?... maybe next time...

narf :)

coulda wrote, but still had fun

yeah, spent the day not writing with the tv off... what could i have been doing, you ask... well, i could have been out living life outdoors ot some other place, but i was actually home resting... sleeping later than ever on a weekday cuz i skipped morning work and worked from home in the afternoon... then, instead of writing or turning on the tv, i listened to music... but first, i went searching for a few things on the internet... i am not sure i will remember what i searched for, but i recall searching for something that was important to me at the time... i remember that i listened and watched this harry concert and memories, from the corners of my mind inspired spontaneous emo and suddenly singing erupted from my mouth and innards and that just filled me with smiles and all sorts of warm fuzzies... i miss harry chapin concerts and someone who would want to share them... and other stuff, not just concerts and movies and other fun... jackson shares fun, but there is so little time, mostly it's a dvred tv show, though our atlanta trip was fun when i wasn't getting old...

so yes, spending a day relaxing and exploring my interests was much fun, even if it was lonely and reminded me how much i miss caring sharing...

narf... and a couple of sighs :)

what i mean is

what i mean to say in so many words (and links) is i do not rest enough which takes it's toll on body and mind and therein creates a fool thinking and doing foolish things that sometimes undermine my primary goals when what i want most is to sit back and watch the wheels go round and round with the one who cares enough to want to share everything (including all the knowledge in and beyond all the words in and beyond all the links) and every moment with me so we can actualize the understanding once sung so sweetly as don't you know that you don't need to grow up all alone...

yeah, that's what i meant... rest mnatters...

narf :)

no rest for the fool

it is beyond this and that (whatever)... the totality of the random madness might never be seen in one picture no matter how big the picture (or how many links, mortality bites us all in the end), but maybe there is another who can imagine it...

i used to explode but the energy is so dispersed and focused away from me and my creative play that i am neglecting my inner child and all the voices in my head are feeling lonely... i know, that might not make sense, but hey, groups of people can feel lonely so why not my voices?... could be i am the needy dog, after all...

well it'a no secret, i really ought to be sleeping, which would have been a nice title and was for years, more than six years in fact (or longer than (there were stars up... what?), even (or was that a close)... what? what? what?... what?), but what is time, anyway... and then this came along and i just had to continue once again, because i love you (and me too), here's another shot at all the strange and wonderful links that were in one or more of the previous entries, m'ok?... thank you for caring (yeah) and choosing to spend time with my words (word?)... your words are wery welcome here... encouraged, even... and now (or whatever, even), with even more further ado, some impromptu fortuitous philosophy and nonchalant self-promoting cuz i really want someone to know me (or something like that)... motivation is important in this life, ya know?... what you want it to be it will be if you understand what makes everything move (and i mean everything and that is just where it begins) with intensity sigh) beyond reason sigh) and the purest peace (sigh) that comes from the purest love (sigh) and innocent trust (sigh) i welcome you (who are you, anyway?) to this world (what's with all these sighs?), even though the point of it all could be random...

teamless

so i woke up early to head to a 10am softball practice for the sunday team going to the tournament in knoxville next week and i get to the field early as i always do and i put the field together (installed the bases, filled in and flattened the batters boxes and pitcher's mound, and so on... the city of orlando does not take care of their fields and they don't groom the field, they just charge a lot) and around 10:10 the first players showed up... the coach texted about a delay due to an argument with one of the other players who was threatening to cancel the payment on the tournament for next week and by 10:30 the four players who showed up for practice get a little practice in... i pitched to them so they got in some batting practice and i hit fungo balls to them so they got in some infield practice and that was that... nothing for me because the guy trying to pitch to me couldn't pitch a strike... still no place to stay... and who knows who might show up next week in knoxville...

gonna rest and relax the rest of the day, the body needs that...

narf...

there are links i will remember

and many more i will forget... so many life experiences, mistakes i may regret... each moment of life is precious and i don't want to waste even one, so do i choose to forget the moments that were not much fun?... plans are laid... mistakes are made... remember successes... the human way... after all is said and done... make it real, but make it fun... la la la... whatever, aye?... so we enjoyed the weekend in atlanta even though we stuck it through the entire game to watch the cubs lose and this body did not make it easy, but that's another story we are doing our best to avoid reading... or writing... we ate well, junked out, walked a heck of a lot in the heat, dehydrated, and mishandled the reality so emotions got tense and feelings got hurt and yada yada yada, enough already... maybe we learned something... maybe we'll talk about it someday... maybe we'll just let it go and repeat the same... maybe all this drama is a waste of time... there's a song about it, i think... whatever, if it matters, it will... most of the time, it doesn't, and then we die... the plane was delayed, we had fun at the airport, didn't talk about it, just moved on...

someday we'll all understand...

narf...

yeah, we know better

of course life is short and then you die, so you should live with all the gusto you can muster (just remember general custer) and take advantage of every opportunity that comes your way... unless, of course, it goes something like this:

Did you assign a will of testament to Sanusi Lamido to receive your ATM Card sum of $10.5 Million dollars on your behalf ? he sent a notification to this Bank that you died in an auto crash few weeks ago and also have assigned him as the sole beneficiary to your unclaimed fund of $10.5 Million Dollars. Get back to us immediately confirming this fact if truly you are still alive but if we did not hear from within 72rhs,we have no option than to release the ATM Card to your next of kin Sanusi Lamido. reply to...

see, cuz that is ridiculous and just wants to provoke your fear of death and greed and stupidity and arrogant desire to always be right among other ego weaknesses so you impulsively respond just to prove you are actually still alive and really deserve that imaginary atm card... or maybe you just want to connect to a long lost relative you never knew you had... in a ridiculous world, the ridiculous seems almost normal... so do what you want to do and if you get rich quick, you can thank me by sharing more than half with me because you want to be considered kind and generous and wonderful and i'd personally buy you a golden spoon on a polished mahogany plaque announcing to the world how absolutely wonderful you are...

so if you want to take advantage of this once in a lifetime offer uniquely designed just for you, send a few hundred dollars to my bank account which i will give you access to next tuesday if you buy me a hamburger today... for a cheeseburger you can get access on monday... a bacon cheeseburger doubles the size of your font (cuz size matters)... yes, or you could send $10 to the po box i will open if you let me know you want to send $10 (or more, i mean, you are generous, right?...

this public service announcement was brought to you by G.R.E.E.D. the Government Receives Everything from Everyone Department (aka, Government Receives Everything from Everyone, Dummy) and your local department of mental health where for just a few hundred dollars you can get a permanent label and free stigma that will follow you around for life (psychotropic drugs optional)...

oh, but it's still not soup...

narf :)

every now and then, sometimes more often

that's right, every now and then, sometimes more often, this otherwise (e)thereal blog is invaded by radical weirdos from outer space who submit entries like this one that may leave you wondering what in the world this blog might be about or perhaps you might be questioning the sanity of the author of the blog you are reading but don't let the peanut gallery (aka voices in the head) fool you, there is a method to the madness that will someday reveal itself when the one wants me to and until then, you can do as you please, or as you wish, as you wish so be as fooled as you want to be or not, because you can be all you can be, if you want to, that is (what is?... this and that will explain everything... or something... all you need to do is spend time reading, clicking, reading some more, and actualizing the song from that episode of orange is the new black which is weird all by itself, so believe it or not, you are here and reading of your own accord and make of it what you will, as you wish, even...

i was out of town at the time of this entry, what did you expect?...

narf :)

travel plans

you may recall my mentioning the lack of organization for the softball team road trips and sure enough, i had to make my reservations for the week long world series in columbus in august myself... i may have help paying for the car, i may not... i may have help paying for the room, i may not... i may know when i get there, i may not... in any case, i have a car and place to stay in columbus and i'll show up at the fields and play... subbing for a team i don't have much say in how they run the team or how they organizer road trips and i want to go to the world series this year so i am going, but i wish they were more organized... the good news is this team has been practicing pretty regularly... the bad news is my team has done nothing... no practices... no travel plans... no hotel plans... no transportation plans... and we will be in knoxville in two weeks for a tournament... i'll either find a room there in the next two weeks or sleep in my car but this lack of organization on my team is ridiculous... i suppose everyone is in the same boat i am in, too busy to take charge and organize the travel arrangements, but that is the problem... a team without a leader, without a coach, without origanizing and practicing, that's not much of a team... so once again i ponder changing teams next season... i committed for this season, and so it goes...

tomorrow jackson and i head to atlanta to see the cubs play the braves... sunday my team has it's first practice in months scheduled (if anybody shows) and maybe some hotel accomodations will be ironed out then... at least i have my travel plans ironed out and whomever can fit into the car and the room i find will be welcome... next weekend should be interesting... this weekend will be fun... and any day now, i'll catch up on everything else because you know this blog goes on and on, like the song...

narf :)

countdown (more ms delays)

start at 1am... continue... is there any use at all to the windows malicious software removal kit (other than slowing down the computer and screwing up the creative flow or whatever it is one wants to do with their computer as if it is one's personal property)... at 1:30am, the windows malicious software removal kit update was installing... it's been installing for about fifteen minutes... it is one of eighteen updates downloaded that need to be installed... it may be a hanging installation, it may be fooling the computer and installing without letting windows know... hopefully not a malicious deception, aye?... meanwhile, kaspersky wants to download and install an upgrade... again... i downloaded and installed a kaspersky upgrade last week, so something went wrong if it is still thinking i need to upgrade... probably an incompatibility with windows vista... one more personal computer caught up in crappy code, poor programming, and planned obsolescence... anyway, suddenly, at 1:45, the update stream leaps forward to install updates two through five and then, update 6 starts... the microsoft office updates and IE9... of course this laptop nruns on an older version, vista, remember?... vista can't handle anything beyond IE9 and comparable old programs... or much else... just as humans can't handle the truth...

blah blah blah...

narf too...

not enough time time time

but snacks, plenty of snacks... ok, not plenty, but gelato and chocolate tomorrow night and that's good... remember, time is relative... as are you and i and me and we and the eggman too... and so, away we go into the sugar sweetness just before the land of nodding off... watching the tv, sort of... small thoughts from small minds... potential?... perhaps... tonight's fare includes proof, wayward pines, under the dome, dominion, complications, stitchers, extant, mr. robot... a whole lot of paranoia in there... luckily my virus program just updated itself so i am safe... laughing at the absurdity of that... ummmm... false sense of security... or perhaps it is the meaningless sense of importance that leads to the false belief that security is even needed... from the moments of conception we should know better, but we let fear close our minds to the bigger pictures, the whole truths and poof, we are gone, that's life... might as well stop worrying and enjoy whatever happens while we are here...

of course i should be sleeping, how are you?

narf :)

tired brain cells

i've got a million of them... maybe a billion... jo jo man, jo jo... everybody's got a theory they believe is right so they can believe they know enough to control the world around them but reality is so different than what most people believe it is... rata rata rata... so tell me why i do what i do and how everything works and why we are the way we are and maybe pickles will fly out of your butt because that's about as likely as it is for you to understand anything outside of your own mind... that-tat-tat-tat-tat is the truth, believe it or not... poof, blown, and you can make of it what you want it to be... as you wish, even... you write your story, try to avoid giving your pen away...

and don't forget your towel...

narf :)

photons know

listening to the sun, we imagine what we cannot see (at least not at this point in scientific measurement) and the power beyond our vision may well be beyond our imagination, chickaboom... watching boiling plasma on the plasma tv, some semantic curiousity wonders how many different definitions for plasma might there be... and they there are photons... perhaps putting a viagra in a gas tank might explain things... what irreverence, physics explains everything eventually... or is that mathematics... there are 10 kinds of people, jim and jimmy, just ask your friend on the tube... used to be so easy, now it's hard inside as the fool on the hill takes just one more pill as if it helps him hide... yeah, tell me what it takes to let light go... darkness scares a lot of people, not unlike sunspots scare a lot of astrophysicists... solar flare if you dare, it can all come to an end in a moment and that doesn't begin to touch the quasar... the planet is covered with spider webs of light and yet, it is still dark without the sun in spite of the momentary brightness of the immediate space you might see...

it's been another week of working 12-14 hours days and fatigue approaches accomplishment in the most dominant feeling so don't let the sun go down on me, but somehow let sleep come, m'ok?...

narf :)

black hole sun

i have no idea what it means, but it is a concept... intriguing perhaps, though it comes to mind because there is a tv show on the science channel at the moment talking about black holes on a show called journey into a black hole... many of the celebrity astrophysicists are babbling on about black holes and quasars and suns an so on... that strange dude from the florida panhandle... black holes eat like the cookie monster... right... and michelle thaller is so goofily excited about space stuff it's fun to watch... and we are travelling 500,000 miles an hour around saggitarius a star, 26,000 light years away... so much power, so many times over, master and maker and hold me closer spiral dancer... I DON'T HAVE TO KNOW AN ANSWER... I DON'T FEEL FRIGHTENED BY NOT KNOWING SOMETHING... why are you shouting?... CAPS LOCK... turn it off... OK... definitely open to distraction... and . . . time passed . . . days . . . whatever i was going to write here, this takes it's place... obviously (if anything is actually obvious), distraction arrived...

where've you been?...

narf? :)

work play work play eat, repeat

it's what i do, mostly... showering and grooming and household chores and shopping and assorting other things take time too, but mostly work, play, and eat... and today and tonight was no different, a dozen calls today for one thing or another and tonight a storm shorted out the phone system so the evening was interrupted by a trip to the workplace to reset the breakers for the phone system... another saturday night and i'm taking care of people all by myself and nobody knows how deep it goes and so it goes... yeah yeah yeah, yeah... sometimes i sing in my head...

meanwhile, here is some sarcastically useful information from emma if you are going to have any travelling sex...

narf :)

pushing limits, weekly

yes, sorta continuing the previous update and finishing up the week, still weakly, but also weekly (such a clever foo, no doubt... yes, not quite a complete fool, just a foo, nyuk nyuk and all that), friday was 7:30am to 5:30pm then home for a yogurt and drink and then softball then burger-fi with jackson and ... and then home to watch some tv and then sleep about 2am and then the phone woke me at 5:00am because two of my cooks (not too many cooks, in this case) did not show up for work and without managers in place at the moment (xomma comma comma camille, yeah), i get the call so after making sure there was food service at the houses, here we are cuz laying in bed and not falling back to sleep is not where i want to be, at least not without a partner to make laying in bed not asleep more interesting in you know what i mean nudge nudge wink wink and hi ho to all the blind bats out there... reasonable fascimiles (or just similes) are welcome to apply within... are we having fun yet?...

jackson just walked by to walk happiness and feed curious who meowed loudly and woke her and then she went back to bed... and in about six hours i have a softball game so it would be good for the body and heart if i slept more, but awake i am... had some coffee last night and more sugar and carbs and fat than i had all week so the body is still pretty artificially and naturally wired, so blah blah blah and whatever, i mean, if you know what i mean... maybe we shall see a bit of catch-up babble or something like that cuz it sure seems like the energy is here, not to mention the catch-phrases and cliches are wide awake already... good morning, good morning, yo...

narf :)

pushing the limits, weakly

monday was 5:30am to 5:30pm at work, then softball, then tv, late... tuesday was 5:00am to 6pm at work, then home work, then doctor search, then tv, late... wednesday was 5:00am to 7:30pm at work, then something i forget, some tv, sleep about 10pm, i think... today was 6:30am to 5:40pm at work, then minute clinic for about a twenty minutes for bp meds and i got lucky and the person there who could prescribe meds, katie, gave me the right dosage of the right meds and i can relax a bit cuz i have enough meds for a while now, then softball practice until almost 10pm, three hours of pushing the limits, almost, and then food, no fat, minimal carbs, and about 800 calories about a thousand calories each day the past three days and that is it, back on the chain gang, or rather, back on the road to recovery, perhaps, but at least back on the road to doing what needs to be done and not whining about wanting to wait for someone to save me or at least share it with me, yeah yeah yeah...

body fatigue is good, sleep would be better...

nite nite, maybe...

narf :)

med and me

i should check my arms for skin cancer and get all the other tests i am supposed to get at this body age... yes, modern medicine... of course that might require finding a doctor i could trust which is highly unlikely, but i could fake it long enough to get some tests done i suppose... boring... i have been forgetting if i took my blood pressure pill lately so i either skip a dose or take a double dose, either way, not a good thing... there is rarely enough cheese on a pizza for me, but ray's in nyc came close once... i wonder what they charge these days... the left side of the next has been cramping a bit more lately, perhaps i am ill, or going to be, or over-fatigued and undermedicated... damed bp meds turn the body into an addict for life... damned medical industry, corrupt to the core... wish i could choose my own meds, i mean, freedom should mean one can choose the way one wants to live and die... falling asleep suddenly could be narcolepsy and could simply be overstuffed and exhausted...

i hate meds pushed by the corporate drug pushers because they are words thank th illegal pushers on the street... the corporate pushers are much more insidious as they deviously use doctors, who most people treat as some sort of gods, to convince you the drugs they are pushing are actually good for you... at least the street pushers don't lie to you, drugs are bad, m'ok?... most drugs are simply poisons in low doses, just ask any kidney or liver...

this rant will go on forever now, cuz i will most likely take corporate drugs until this body dies...

grump...

was asleep hours ago

and then i started thinking again.. jackson was coming home and the dvr was set to record two shows at once and the cubs game was on and i didn't know if she wanted to watch it so i texted her to ask and while waiting i decided to switch the shows anyway and then i was watching the cubs game and she responded and then got home and we talked a bit and the cubs scored and then the cards scored and she went to bed and i went for food and the game got me so here we are two hours later watching the cubs who just came back from being down a run to being up by two runs still batting and there are a couple more innings and i so should be sleeping because the days are longer than ever and starting at 5am and this body really needs more than four hours sleep a night so what to do what to do what to do blah blah blah...

life is just this exciting, what can i say?... or this exciting, even... oh sure, we're laughing now and we will continue laughing at my funeral (that's what i want so you're gonna grany my last wish, right?), but we don't have to rush getting there, ya know?...

narf :)

rinsed and repeated

once again, because i love you (and me too), here's another shot at all the strange and wonderful links that were in one or more of the previous entries, m'ok?... thank you for caring and choosing to spend time with my words... your words are wery welcome here... encouraged, even... and now, with even more further ado, some impromptu fortuitous philosophy and nonchalant self-promoting cuz i really want someone to know me (or something like that)... motivation is important in this life, ya know?... what you want it to be it will be if you understand what makes everything move (and i mean everything and that is just where it begins) with intensity beyond reason and the purest peace that comes from the purest love and innocent trust i welcome you to this world (sigh?), even though the point of it all could be random...

giving up sleep again

sunday night tv has my interest but cuts into sleep time... even with a dvr, my addiction to writing uses the excuse that the dvr is almost full to keep me awake writing with the tv on in the background because the sunday night shows need to be watched and erased... the last ship, halt and catch fire, humans and a new show to check out, zoo and i am leaving out a few, i think... maybe it's also saturday and friday night shows... i'm only sort of paying attention, i mean, there isn't that much depth on tv to require full attention... though mr robot calls for a bit more than half an eye attention to follow the story... i like stories that demand undivided attention and a second or third viewing to be sure the whole story was conveyed... those are very rare... anyway, the foolish thing is i get less than four hours sleep most sunday nights... is the feeling of babbling worth it?... must be, cuz here we are...

i think somewhere along the way i decided that there was a ratio between the number of entries i post and the chances of finding the one (or being found by the one, which is the primary reason i remained on line after losing everything the last time in the first place, or something like that)... hey, we all have our delusions, no doubt...

narf :)

futbol party

just three of us, jackson, her new friend, and me watching the usa women kick the ball around the japan team and win going away... for my memory, japan scored one goal on one play when an otherwise stellar us defense broke down and then the us gave japan one goal when a defensive header bounced into the us goal... the us team won 5-2 and set all sorts of records, most goals in a championship match, fastest goal (3 min) fastest two goals (5 min) fasted 3 goals (14 min) and fasted 4 goals (16 min)... carly lloyd had the first hat trick (three goals) in a championship games... there were other records as well, but it was total domination from the first few minutes... a little help from field position as the japan goalie had to face the sun in the first half and the sun was mostly down when the us had to take that goal in the second half... japan's only goal in the second half was off the us defender's head... so it was a good party all around and the pizza was excellent... two pies for $42 (including delivery charge and tip), it had better had been excellent...

work interrupted several times with problems i solved, but otherwise it was a fun party and a bit of rare social time... in case you wondered...

narf :)

cleaning

sometimes, even when there is time, i just want to sit and rest and write and vege instead of cleaning... but i do like a clean and organized space and it is generally thought by many to be healthier than a disorganized cluttered space, so tonight it is just may be a little healthier around here... yes, i cleaned... the couch is clear of clothes, the coffee table is clear of paper and stuff, the folding tables that usually surround the recliner are cleared and cleaned and stacked out of the way, the carpet was vacuumed, the clothes hanger was put away along with all the clothes, laundry was done and folded and hung up, the kitched was cleaned (though we need a new mop or swiffer or something), dishes done, fridge cleaned, and on and on... in spite of happiness pulling off his leash and seriously raising my stress, blood pressure, and hackles... it is good to have less clutter and more clean... next step is dump one of the couches or replace them and get a pice of exercise equipment and make daily exercise happen daily again, what with my being too lazy to dress and head to the gym most days...

the bedroom and bathroom are still way too cluttered and can use cleaning, but progress... at least i think it's progress... there's places to sit in the living room now... wanna come over?...

narf :)

sometimes, freedom's just another word for dead

at least for the old dog who coninues to learn new tricks for getting his collar off... he will not be going out with me again without a choke collar on... he took off toward the street and while he is easier than ever to catch, he is more resistant than ever and disregards cars, which is an easy way to die... it is much worse when jackson is away so it is likely searching for her is one reason he wants to stay outside... could also be his primal instinct kicking in as he nears the end... in any case, choke collar for his safety... chasing him down, i lost another pair of slippers to dog poop... that makes three because people around here don't clean up after their dogs much... i'm considering stopping myself... it is a community going downhill as the cumminity management do not take care of the grounds or buildings well, always cutting corners and allowing unsafe paths to keep the fall risk high... but the rent is still lower than anywhere around here and jackson can't cover half of the expenses even here, so we stay... it's also the biggest kitchen of any place we've seen anywhere in the area and the layout is as good as it gets at this price (about $200 a month below market), so we stay... nothing's perfect, after all...

and nobody (and nothing} is truly free, after after all... except maybe true love... maybe...

narf :)

do tv people ever masturbate?

i mean, people pretend to share sex or make love on tv all the time, but i don't recall seeing a person pretending to maturbate on any show and there are so many shows that have a lot of teenagers and young adults and are we really to believe teenagers and young adults never masturbate?... not even on reality shows, so how real is that?... i suppose people on tv don't go to the bathroom much either (some characters never have to go), and few ever bathe, come to think of it... doesn't anyone ever notice how unreal that is?... real economics seldom play any part of the lives of people on tv, i mean, is watching others who never have any financial issues and pretending it is real life or reality really healthy?... does it give us unrealistic expectations to live up to?... does it subconsciously lower our self-esteem when we fail to live up to the tv people?... to live the lives of the average tv person, our income would need to be in the mid six figures or at least in the six figures... is that your income?... perhaps tv is the new religion, the new opiate, the new delusion...

but is that healthy?...

narf :}

what's your delusion?

there are many from the belief that we have the freedom to break free from the economic repression of the bosses who run things to the belief that we are not running like rats in a maze or a hamster on a wheel doing the same work every day leaving us very little time and almost no money after paying bills... so many delusions... used to be the world was flat... and then, there are beliefs founded in no facts, like religions, that consume so much of our time and money that even if gods are real, the people working for them are ripping us off... do churches stress over paying their bills each month, or their taxes each year for that matter?... no, but most people live from paycheck to paycheck stressing and sometimes, of not often forced to choose between food and medical care... is that what god wants?... these are the things that come to mind on sunday mornings... how unfair life is to the vast majority of people... how people are starving and killing each other over beliefs that fundamentally say killing is wrong and how way too many people think ignoring that and going to church makes their inaction ok...

maybe you believe medical industry is acting in your best interest and not simply using you to make money from the government or insurance companies... and maybe you think the prices the medical industry charges is fair... and maybe you don't think doctors and hospitals are no also shills for the drug companies... see what happens when you say no to drugs, see if your doctor wants you as a patient... and maybe you think your insurance company cares about you and looks out for your best interests... or maybe you believe your cable company is your friend... ask your friend to let you buy your kid a birthday gift with the money you pay them, just this month, and see what they say... ask your doctor to treat you because he or she cares even when you have no money to pay... see what happens...

so many delusions, what's yours?...

narf...

as tomorrow becomes today

time travel would be so cool... but could i use it to save people in the past and if i could, would that be right or is the natural evolution of consciousness, technology, humanity, and everything else the best way?... could a time traveller play god? (doctor who?)... seriously, these are real question for tomorrow... are there an infinite number of parallel time lines and would changing something in my current past change that timeline or erase it or would it or propel me into another timeline or both?... when can we do anothing without drama and unnecessary emotional errors?... just a few hundred years from now we will likely be travelling through space to other stars and accepting intelligent autonomic computers as servants, co-workers, even companions... unless, as is just as likely, the tech gets so far ahead of the emotional capability of humanity that we destroy ourselves with it... the question becomes, if we survive our own fears, how do we evolve?... the obvious seems to be a merging with tech on some level which suggests extended life in some form and that leads to the question of consciousness and memory and whether that has an expiration date of some sort or can we find a way around the law of entropy as well?...

the fact is, yesterday's science fiction is today's reality and today's science fiction will be tomorrow's reality and so on... but what lags behind due to fear-based greed (and any other greed) is the emotional maturity to share and the intellectual awareness and acceptance that sharing is required for continued survival... will there still be a blinding poverty, a struggle to pay bills, and the shirking of responsibility for our destructive and murdurous actions in the name of gods in the future?... either way, logic suggests that logic will prevail, whether it is human evolution that embraces rational logic or whether it is intelligent computers that take over and force logic on irrational humans... or we'll just blow everything up...

there's always hope we won't...

narf :)

sometimes real

see i do get to the real here in (e)thereal now and then... of course i refer to the previous few entries, i mean, didn't you notice darling?... oh, don't be shy and certainly don't be embarrased, we all have sensory needs and emo needs and the latter is nothing to be mocked or have a stick shaken at it, emo is the wondrous experience of life... sex is grand as well and if you are more interested in sex, we can discuss your proposal once you submit your full body photos and head shots, but at least some emo should be a naturally occurring aspect of life every day... if it isn't, well, see here and make sure you look like one of them cuz if it's just gonna be a physical thing, you'll have to convince my libido... nude photos might help if you have a match on libbo's list... and if you haven't tried emo, you may be an emo virgin and i'd be happy to pop your cherry if you care to... yes, sometimes i do get to the real here in (e)thereal... and sometimes i just get irreverent (oh, is that self-mocking sarcasm because i am being at least semi-irreverent in this paragraph?... what?... who said that?... who's paying attention?>... the peanut gallery betrays the calm cool cavalier kiddie once again... shhhh, it's a parentheses so when we get out, don't tell)...

of course the real is relative and in the eye of the beholder... i almost went out to get an after midnight chocolate fudge shake food, glorious food, but i decided to clean the living room instead... jackson is having a guest over tomorrow and i am a bit of a slob these days... i deserve ice cream, but i don't want to drive out... luckily nobody delivers ice cream or i'd be fat... i do adore food, after all...

narf :)

who wants to cry with me?

strange question?... maybe not if you are into pity parties or if you are depressed... but daily, who wants to cry with me daily?... not all day, but at least once a day... who wants to feel that much?... the world is full of reasons to cry, joyous reasons and tragic reasons (personally, i prefer the joyous)... most people just ignore the reasons and suppress the emotions... i don't want to... and i want someone willing to share the roller coaster of emotions life is... here's one way of putting it...

"To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day.

Jimmy Valvano

yeah... it makes sense and everybody cheers, but who really does it?... well, if you do, or think you can and want to, maybe we can help each other out... what brings you to tears?... especially what brings you to happy tears?... the princess bride, random harvest, it's a wonderful life, et, city of angels, tale of two cities, hook and so many others... and if you sing and want to encourage me to sing, unchained melody, crying, honesty, the impossible dream, if, cherish so many others - and songs from broadway shows west side story, la cage aux folles and on and on... many thousands of songs, films, shows, and that isn't even touching the true sorrows and joys of life... so much inspiration for the roller coaster of emotions, so much to feel, so much to share...

so?... anybody?... i'm right here waiting...

narf :)

fundamentally flawed

yes, fundamentally, even... humanity has them and i wonder if we, as a species, will survive long enough to overcome them... when a core is rotten, it doesn't matter how strong or beautiful the skin, the apple is dying... especially when we deny the core is rotten... and then worse, we choose to eat that apple and rot our own core and die ourselves... when we should be living... feel free to read religious stories into that analogy, but it is human history so far... no one can reach truth when standing on a lie... hear that... you don't reach truth standing on a lie... depressing, unless you have enough hope and maintain enough awareness in your conscious mind to overcome the lies and fears that formed them and believe others might as well...

i want to believe...

get that one?... yes, i play with words, metaphors, analogies, even similes... i especially sprinkle my babblings with pop cultures references, lyrics, movies, stories... so returning to the first parahraph and title, even my favorite film (referenced here... hopefully you recall it by now) has a thing or two i really do not like in it... the helplessness of buttercup is appaulling... she should have grabbed the sword and killed the rous but the storytellers retained the model of patriarchal fairy tales and left her as a helpless damsel in distress... that is a sad flaw that stains an otherwise favorite film... if i was female, i wonder, would it even be a favorite?... in spite of the subtle wit, the clever writing, the poignant mockery, the brilliant casting, the epic story...

probably not...

who dares understand?... who dares remain along without compromise?...

i wait for you...

too dramatic?...

narf :)

is this a kissing book?

ah, the goose bumps, the chills, the mush... yes, little one, life is a kissing book... at least it should be... and years should not go by without a kiss... decades should not go by without a kiss... and yet, many people experience such kissless times... i could not imagine a kissless life, especially not being one into the physical senses so much... the only thing my mouth enjoys more than food is kissing and sure enough, the universe reminded me the very day i went on about how much i love food and sensory stimuli... did you notice i left out kissing?... oh sure, i mentioned sex comes and goes, but kissing is so much more than sex... kissing is the language of love and love is so much more than sex... and kissing is the way to true love and true love is so much more than love... we choose who we love... we fall into true love... i don't think much about kissing or true love lately because there is still a deep ache of longing for true love in me... i knew it once and felt it once and thought i shared it once (but did i, if it's gone?) and lost it once and it is better to have than to have never, but the ache of longing without it remains even as i keep it out of consciousness...

if you have not recalled the reference in the title you do not know what may be my favorite story and film as well as i do... i hope you know true love though, though i don't think very many people do... it requires the will to place love well ahead of fear and most people i've met place fear well ahead of love, or at least side by side... fear smothers love, blinds the heart, and prevents the fall... that is the saddest thing in this life, to be afraid of the fall... sometimes, especially in the years following the last time, i wonder if i am... or perhaps i am simply not meeting someone who inspires the fall... for most it is the impossible dream and rare is the one who lives that way... i used to... perhaps i still do, just not taking care of myself as well as i used to so it doesn't show... the concept and feeling is buring beneath consciousness most of the time, as i said... sad, knowing and yet not remembering... sadder still, choosing not to remember... but the ache hurts so much... sigh... alas... still it makes me smile...

narf :)

food is my best friend

also can be my worst enemy, but then, that's not food's fault... in fact, it's not my best friend, it is my closest companion and most stable consistently satisfying stimulation and comfort and pleasure in this life... sexual partners come and go, friends come and go, even family comes and goes, but food remains... fun experiences come and go, great jobs come and go, even exercise comes and goes, but food remains... the pleasures of the senses in this body have carried me through the highs and lows of this life whether in relationships, living with friends, or living alone and as long as i moderate calories, food is a pleasure i can indulge a several times a day... now if i just remember how much i used to love running, i could enjoy food even more lol (yeah, laughing, but body says there is nothing more true or serious :)

alas, though (yes, this entry has an alas), the years seem to take a toll on the body and between working and aging, the body does not burn calories as well as it did (metabolism gets old fast in these bodies) and do not recover as fast and all of the senses lose their sharpness, clarity, and maybe even some of the sensitivity that makes them each so wonderful... hearing is maybe 50% in one ear and definitely lower overall... i should see a doctor about a hearing aid for large room social events because that was a challenge just this week at a work event... sight is still way above average, but the copyright year on cds may be getting out of reach and more light is definitely needed and fatigue factors in big time, but i exercise the eyes as i've always done and have not needed to reach for a magnifyer more than a couple of times a month and only for extremely fine print when i am tired... the nose has lost some sensory power, maybe a lot... it's tough to tell as olfactory glans acclimate to odors so easily and i don't depend on my nose much, at least not consciously... even skin, touch, has diminished some thught i am not sure if it is as irreversably as the others (without surgery that is)... and taste buds are still overwhelming so if they have diminished in sensitivity, it's hardly noticeable... the other senses have definitely diminished but they are more dependant on body condition, spinal alignment, and mental clarity, all three of which i've allowed to wallow for a number of years... irreverable?... who knows, if i ever start running daily again and keep it up for a year i will let you know... yes, the body still has the last word so there is hope...

so i touched base with the body while waiting for eggplant parm to finish cooking and happiness has been staring me down because he smells the food and knows i am about to eat and the mouth is watering and the body is asking for exercise and life goes on... longer if i exercise, yes, repeat until it's done (or i die)...

narf :)

good morning, good morning, bleh

somehow woke (maybe it's my internal clock now that i've been back to a day shift work schedule for almost two years or maybe it's the bladder that fills faster than ever thanks to the diuretic meds or maybe it's happiness panting and begging to go out or maybe it's curious meowing for food at sunrise or maybe it's sleeping in the recliner which is less comfortable since moving back into the bed or maybe it's some other noise (big dog bouncing upstairs, big truck on the road somewhere, who knows but sounds and vibrations happen and i do have a very light sleep few minutes between rem cycles and rem cycles are usually between two and four hours)... whatever the cause, i woke... jackson's texts came after i woke and was in the middle of feeding him so good timing... and both of her four legged kids are now fed and happiness went for his walk and did his pee and poo so i will likely be nodding off in a little bit but you just had to have a good morning like this to wake up to i suppose... don't thank me, just throw money... i have enough underwear...

ok, seriously, just say hi... that's why i am here anyway :)

before i go though, here's another shot at all the links that were in the previous entry, m'ok?... thanks for caring and spending time with my words... your words are wery welcome here... encouraged, even... and now, with even more further ado, some impromptu fortuitous philosophy and nonchalant self-promoting cuz i really want someone to know me (or something like that)... motivation is important in this life, ya know?... what you want it to be it will be if you understand what makes everything move (and i mean everything and that is just where it begins) with intensity beyond reason and the purest peace that comes from the purest love and innocent trust i welcome you to this world, even though the point of it all could be random...

narf :)

foolishness and hope

so it is almost morning and the dozens of entries did not come mostly because i had the tv on all night and i was watching it much more than i usually do (must have been seeking distraction)... foolish move, actually, because the dog will need to be walked and fed in a couple of hours and i will be fast asleep... very foolish moved... anyway, it is time to turn off the tv and find some sleep... but just so you have something to do when you get here, the next paragraph can keep you busy especially if you click and hopefully you will fall in love with me... or at least smile... there's always hope...

and now, some impromptu fortuitous philosophy and nonchalant self-promoting cuz i really want someone to know me (or something like that)... motivation is important in this life, ya know?... what you want it to be it will be if you understand what makes everything move (and i mean everything and that is just where it begins) with intensity beyond reason and the point of it all could be random...

narf :)

out of nowhere

wondering who lives at 22631 Hatteras St, LA, CA... feel free to wave if you do... i forget where that address came from but i recall something about a map... a signal or IP address lead me to the map which lead me to that address... was i hacking?... who knows what i do when i am asleep at the wheel... maybe all the paranoia in mr robot is based in fact or maybe christian slater and the rest of the hackers are all in his head... drug induced hallucinations... but the anonymous movement and occupy movement and corporate greed and manipulation and control freaks all do actually exist in the real world... so what connections might be actually happening and what connections are just story line and what connections are real paranoia... ask yourself, punk, are you a one or a zero... well, punk, which are you?...

was dirty harry real?...

narf :)

needy dog

so needy it's sad... whenever jackson is gone he just sits and stares at me for attention, food, or walks and is always sitting or laying in my way... if i appear to be standing up, he makes sure i know he's ready for attention, food, or outside... if i eat, he stares... the trouble more and more lately is when we do go out, which is almost every two hours, he fights coming back in and pulls toward cars... i think it is about missing his mommy and wanting every car to be her coming home... trouble is, cars will kill him and he has started running in front of them... and he's learned to pull off his leash because he has a small head and big neck and collars can't be tightened enough to stay on if he pulls just right... i'm thinking about getting a choke collar because i am tired of apologizing to neighbors but even more, i am stressing over him getting hit by a car and killed while i am walking him... he's stressing me out when jackson's not home and jackson's not home a lot... i hate the aging process he is going through... the accidents and clean ups and extra walks and staring and pacing and begging and neediness is annoying at times, but the sadness of knowing he is nearing the end is the sadness and stress we are living with these days...

and it leaves me feeling so sad and alone when i am home alone... the energy of neediness may just be contagious... it is tough being empathic... poor me, huh?... no, poor dog... though the reminder that i am getting older is no fun, he is the one dying...

narf...

tricks and tips?

maybe blogathons still have some hope, but then, nobody responding to this entry doesn't raise mine... seems blogging has gone quite commercial (and i missed that one, whatever it was)... i mean, i don't even think of getting paid to blog and certainly don't think about commercializing my time and energy here... should i?... maybe... i just don't find any interest in using tricks and tips to attract anyone to read my words... maybe that is the purist in me, maybe that is just self-preservation... if you care, i am here... if you are trying to sell something or expect me to, i want no part of it... this is my space for free form writing, babbling, no tips, no tricks, no rules, no marketing (at least not here or in any of my primary rambling bloga), no control... so many people in this world (and bloggers) appear to be control freaks and i don't want to be one or be around one... their fear is unpleasant energy (which is kind of the way it is with most people because i've yet to meet someone who does not let their fear create unpleasant enrgy... i do too sometimes... i used to not, but i tire easily now but that's a whole other thought stream... alas and all that)... that's my choice and if it leaves me as a solitary unknown blogger forever, so be it...

someday my princess will come :)

feeling like exploding

just too tired to rev up the energy required... and i mean literary explosion, writing dozens of entries in an hour like i did way back when i played with blogathon (and on a side note, it is even more disapointing now than it was then (sadder than when people are selfish enough to take good blog names and let them lay fallow is when someone takes a good established blog name {and audience} and disregards the original intent of the name and instead use to promote your self and personal gain (that is audience abuse, but then, that is capitalism too, a system based on greed and yet claims to be christian, anything more hypocritical?... and i digress)... anyway, blogathon was fun while blogging and i did it more than once (even had a sort of index the second time... and i went into it with all the hope and belief in people i used to have... not that i don't have some now, but i used to have more) as i track down links... and who knows what might be found back there, then)...

yeah, sometimes a visit to the past inspires an explosion... we shall see if it works this time, but with the time it takes to search blogs to find all of those links, it's gonna be an all-nighter if if happens and the blody really could benefit from sleep... choices, choices...

narf :)

bursting air

the fireworks for the 4th of july went off on time and they were visible in spite of heavy rains earlier in the very late afternoon which was perfect from a safety perspective, actually, because the grounds were wet and sparks had little chance of surviving once they landed though the people had to stand of sit on wet unless they brought their own chairs... we live within sight and sound of one of the biggest fireqorks shows in this area and the traffic is madness so i seldom head out on the evening of the fireworks, especially since they can be seen and heard (the music can even be heard) from our front door... so happiness and i took a long slow walk and he enjoyed being outside and the neighbors and i watched the fireworks... they did wake me from a nap, after all... first world problems, aye?...

i am not a big formal on-time celebrator of anything cuz i prefer unscheduled more meaningful celebrations that come from the heart and desire and impulse rather than from the calendar, but that's just me... i catch up sooner or later... how are you spending this federal holiday?...

narf :)

the excitement and disappointment

when i come across a blog that has been around for years, i almost simultaneous get excited and disappointed... the excitement is finding a record of a life, or at least a vast library of someone's mind, a way to get to know someone... and a moment later i am disappointed because i know i rarely have time to read hundreds of entries and do not have time to read thousands of entries (no less all the links that add some meaning (sometimes vitally profound and sometimes irreverently amusing and sometimes even annoyingly distracting, just like people) to the entries... so i wonder if others, you reading right now even (assuming you are a lover of words), feel a similar polarity of high and low emotions when first stumbling into this blog (no less my written gardens no less my larger web world {which is a fraction of the writing i've done in this life and all after and therefore influenced by the heartbreaks and abuses, alas} and the millions of links to other places, ideas, and emotions on the web) only to find there are thousands of entries (almost 6,500 at the moment) in this blog alone...

besides saving myself for the one as in the one, i am working a 24/7 gig covering for my three manager vacancies (at least for another month) and doing more because i've been consolidating management because i don't believe in top heavy management and several times a week i am playing softball which takes a couple or few hours each time and there's jackson and happiness and curious at home and then, of course, there is this addiction to writing and babbling and expanding the ever-expanding web world and gardens that want every free moment because there are so few free moments, so there is little time for the online exploring and reading i used to do... but if i find the one i will explore everything, even a million pages if she put them up... yes, so that's the excitement and disappointment...

how are you? :)