out on the web

exploring the news... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah... yes, the links (each blah being one) will lead to a sliver of a sample of the comments or posts i left in response to articles i read out on facebook or other places on the web... nothing quite as universe shaking as the monumental task of the wmap study or a 520mp camera cooled by liquid helium or even something morgan freeman might want to narrate, but hey, you come here to find out what is going on in the mind and life of the writer, your friend, me, so the links above give you a taste of where i have been since i last posted here (which was ages ago, relatively speaking)...

the news is so depressing, really... especially the politics and government... so much corruption... but i still find hope in the darkest of matters and energies... these are strange days... was this what was happening in the roman senate?... were these same human interactions happening in athens or sparta?... or in the other cultures that are not as easily studied because they are not in the western lineage?... and is that why every human culture that has ever grown to be known by history had failed?...

we are making mistakes that will bring down our culture... it is happening already and truth is we don't seem to care... it may not happen in my lifetime, but changes are coming that could dramatically alter our way of life... the rich believe they are insulated from the changes, perhaps, and in some ways they are... but the french elite thought they were insulated once... as did every oligarchy... sparta eventually fell... as did rome... are we going to care before, or after it is too late?...

fun stuff, aye? :}

money spent

if the car battery was not acting up (not holding a charge or some sort of slow drain that leaves it dead after a week), i would have nodded off a couple of hours ago which would probably have been best for the body and brain, but nooooooo, i've got an old car with issues cuz i am poor, right, so i head out to drive a bit and waste gas and while out, i stop at the store for a snack, just a bit of chocolate, and $30 later (not including the $2 in gas), i have all sorts of cookies, candies, and ice cream and the body and brain will have to wait for the cleansing once again and it's all cuz i am poor, right?... what?... it's poor man's logic, deal with it... hey, the economy is complicated...

meanwhile, when you stop laughing, you can follow all the links in this entry (i dare you) and double dare you to do the same with this entry and then, if you understand, well, you understand... i will beg you to do it, if daring and double daring doesn't work... i would pay you to do it, i mean, if i wasn't poor... economy, complicated, remember?...

so i will be quite chocolated in a bit, sugarized too...

narf :)

slow down

so many songs come to mind... from groovy to slow down world to songs written after you were born, from this millennium, even... ah yes, my love of music spans aeons, at least... but more to the point of the moment, my brain must slow down, my body systems must slow down, and they know what i mean... not slowing down is dangerous... i may have already passed the point of no return and i definitely gave away a few decades by acclimating to the human condition and physical norms and the body may die because of it, but there's always hope... and aspirin (see previous entry)...

happiness has been begging for attention all day more than usual... maybe he senses my pain... or my weakness... and he misses his mom a lot... it's a tragedy, no doubt... i mean, you has to lift your dress to get my attention... my ear is clogged... hot steamy shower earlier helped, as did a nap, but another one should help more... both... first though, i must head out somewhere to charge the battery... if the car starts... watching tv has distracted me... castle... yeah, she's fun to look at and the stories are cute... yes, cute... not just her, i mean the writing... and lucky they are, cuz there are too many holes in the stories for it to be consistently interesting if it wasn't cute...

so i am missing ncis again... mostly cuz i forget, but also cuz i kinda try to save ncis to share with jackson but she never has time to watch, so i try to remember to catch a few shows every few weeks in the on demand way, but it would be more fun to share with her cuz she loves the characters and show too... ncis is cute too, but usually a lot more than cute in several ways... but whatever, the brain is skipping beats tonight...

is it possible that the bible is the ultimate epic greek tragedy or collection of tragedies that was taken just a bit too seriously?... dontcha just love a good what if?...

see what i mean?... meanwhile, what's up in your world?...

headache

i wonder if happiness has one too... i don't have the ear infection (though tinnitus is constant, among other pains) and he is constantly staring begging to go outside (he's been out four times today, maybe five... when i go back to work he's going to have to get used to ten to twelve hours or more without going out every day... with jackson not coming home on average three nights a week, maybe longer... but anyway, we'll go out and his ear will be cleaned again soon...

the headache is mine... most likely a caffeine withdrawal headache as i had no caffeine today and i think i had no caffeine yesterday... jackson drinks several cups of coffee (she makes six cups every morning, but only drinks about half before she leaves) and 20-60 ounces of mountain dew a day and i drink more caffeine on a daily basis because, as you know if you know me, i love to share so i pick up the habits of whomever i live with (which is why i try to choose carefully, ya know)... but i really must cut back on the caffeine (and sugars and dairy fats (fats in general too) and so on, so i am going with the sudden cold turkey elimination and taking aspirins... five so far since last night...

must be careful i don't hurt the arm with the pain deadened... sleep helps a lot, but when i crawled (figuratively) out of bed to get a drink earlier, happiness woke me begging to go out... almost time to feed him now... and that is the exciting recap of the exciting day in the life of this blog writer today... i thought this entry had a lot more interesting potential (so many entries are scattered incomplete around here and just a few were uploaded this week so far and even they are incomplete, but hey, at least a few words are here for us, right?... if you read this one and followed all the links, you certainly aren't bored, or maybe you just love me... thank you if you do :)

walk, feed, clean ear, aspirin, rest... later :)

ear infection

poor happiness... and bad us... bad bad us... jackson took happiness to the vet just before the we went to the softball tournament (so is that like 10 days ago, at least?) and we got medicated ear cleaner and more antibiotic cream cuz he has a nasty bacterial ear infection and it looks like the medicated clearer was never opened... i know i was forgetting each day and it seems jackson was too, though she is seldom home and working so much and stressed and distracted so she has better excuses... all this to say i noticed the cleaning solution and medication on the corner of the coffee table and impulsively decided to clean his ears... first i had to find cotton balls... jackson had a few in her bathroom... and i grabbed paper towels and went to work and that's where this entry begins, bad bad us...

ten times i rinsed his ear and only about the ninth did the dark brown black waxy sludge start to lighten... he wanted the cleaning... i could tell the cleaning felt good, though hurt a little, i could tell the cleaning was satisfying his ned to itch and he will probably be itching a lot more tonight... maybe a benadryl... he definitely needs cleaning twice a day for a while... they said 10-14 days and here we had not even really begun... so with big apologies, i will write notes and set alarms to remind me to clean his ears twice a day from now on...

how are you? :)

olympus has fallen?

life reflects art, art reflects life... so could olympus has fallen, a new film about the taking of the white house and possible assassination of thew president of the united states, be art preparing us for another assassination?... we did not have the sort of scheduled one in the 2000-2004 term, after all... a president died in office by some means, often assassination, every 20 years for a long time before that... though 1980 was an or an attempted assassination... 2000, who knows in the secrecy and ineptitude of that administration with the people in charge actually in control of the white house, but that's another story... 1980 Reagan, 1960 Kennedy, 1940 Roosevelt, 1920 Harding, 1900 McKinley, 1880 Garfield, 1860 Lincoln, 1840 Harrison... 2000 had 9/11 after all, perhaps as traumatic as any assassination... and then, i mean besides all of the greed, there's all the other odd theories (still playing with the number geeks, are we?... well, we all have our masks of sanity and diapers of insanity, after all... wait, this was a serious entry, remember?) and religious end-of-days wishes so many want so much to happen... so are we being prepared by art to survive yet another tragedy?...

meanwhile, in the life around here, i think i'll go to bed...

number geeks

number geeks are so funny... actually, number geeks are usually quite brilliant, and i don't mean that in a harry potteresque sense, i mean like geniuses admire (or are jealous) of number-geek intelligence (at least the true number-geeks, not the wanna-be number-geeks, like me)... but even just being a wanna-be, i have a glimpse of just how differently the true number-geek perceives everything (and life and the universe too... and chances are if you get this references, you are either a number-geek, a wanna-be, or on your way toward becoming one or the other... though there is the chance you could just be an anomaly)... oh, no (we write amused, though perhaps not amusingly), not another secret entry of random linkage and dropped names lol lam...

oh sure, we could distract ourselves with reference links certified to be brilliantly connected in some ridiculously obscure way or maybe images of hayden panettiere (at least until she gets too old country) even though it could have been danica patrick's day... or we could get seriously enamored with sam (samantha barks, i know, poor thing... but of course i jest)... or we even could poly-wally-doodle all day with the amazing mila (kunis, though jovovich, you know, with the double l(s), would be much fun too), for all we know... sure, you never know what you might find on the internet, especially when you search for images, wah?... it's not all about libido, really it's not... and all this while watching the oscars, sheesh, huh?... i mean, barbra was there... and she sang... wow... and hugh lost out to daniel because, after all, this is america... and then, jack and michelle? (who said odd couple, not wicked seth macfarlane, aye?)...

what were the odds, anyway?...

here and there

out in the world enjoying life with friends, taking some time to sleep one and off, and more than in recent memory, letting go of the contiguous connection woven here in threads of words and while that leads to the dream of sharing intimacy beyond all the daily life has offered so far, the dream will not die or go away just because i let the tapestry frazzle for a while... i miss the dream when i am gone... i miss you too... but sometimes, it is time to let go...

if i am not back, that is life... here and there, c'est la vie...

computer glitches

ok then, that was disturbing... suddenly the chrome browser went wonky as if caught in some manic loop of page changing as if a back button was permanently depressed or something like that and i had no control over the mouse... a virus?... a hack?... i was on facebook and also had a dozen other windows open... was i noticed?... or was it something in the hardware failing?... but what in the hardware would make a browser window go nuts and then open a windows save box (it was then i was left to push the power button cuz access to me files seemed too close for comfort)... lost hours of links and typing... we'll curse the computer gods over that later... and then i ran my anti-virus scan and the computer shut down... and then i rebooted in safe mode and check the events log and found a kernel error... it said it might have been a power loss... and then booted in safe mode again and another sudden shut down... power supply burning out?... overheating cpu?... i did unplug and plug the power cord back in, so battery burnout?... i do keep the laptop plugged in constantly... the batter power says 100%, but sometimes they do burn out and can only hold a charge for a few seconds even from 100%... please no... please don't make me spend money now... thoughts... and then i booted into normal mode and ran the critical areas scan and no threats... and then i opened a notepad to type this and as i typed this, critical scan started again on it's own... microsoft update wants to update... the same four updates that failed last time windows wanted to update... microsoft failure is annoying because it wastes so much time for nothing... anyway, since i have not yet reconnected to the internet, that will be later...

ok, so the second critical scan comes up with no threats... i should probably run a full scan, but i don't want to wait an hour... foolish, i hope not... anyway, now reconnecting to the internet, fingers crossed it was not some hacker... and starting windows update, so still holding my breath about returning to browsing and facebook... update takes way too long... i will open a browser and test my blog sites and then the internet in general and then facebook after the update... and then maybe i will save and close everything and check out the battery... holding breath all the way...

meanwhile, happiness, the incredible farting dog, decided to come out here and sleep with me tonight... usually jackson closes her door so he sleeps in there, but he chose to come out here after i came out here a few hours ago after i had gone to bed a bit before that but found i was not sleepy enough to sleep after having slept several hours in the recliner where i am more comfortable these days because of the arm... in any case, he's been farting tonight more than i've ever smelled him fart before, lucky me...

and apparently, chrome opened to this blog window and the computer is allowing me to update here... oddly, chrome did not ask if i wanted to open the previous browsing session so it did not recognize it shut down improperly... anyway, uploading this...

from russia with curiosity

so russia is back... a hundred page views from russia in the past two days... imagine, using this blog as a way to learn the english language... better than random babble i suppose... but before we go assuming it's my russia girlfriend with renewed internet access (oh, was she let out of the asylum again?... at least the meteor didn't get her), i shall thank all of my friends (and the curious among you) over there for caring and stopping by and jiggling the stat sheet... someday we'll all understand (especially if we follow all the links, aye?)... it is good to imagine friends everywhere even when there's just one or two in each everywhere i imagine... especially good to know my russian friends have wonderfully flexible senses of humor too :)

hot steamy showers are such sweet luxuries... i read somewhere that there are more saunas in finland than there are people, or was that more saunas than houses... in any case, no nearby sauna so the hot steamy shower works for me... good for the arm too, which continues to nag and concern, but i just continue to give it time... happiness is comfortably sprawled out in the middle of the living room waiting for his next meal or his next walk... jackson is out working way harder than we'd like, but that's the profession she chose... and me, well, here i am tapping out a few words for you... all of you, i mean, you're not all russian... heck, you're not all even my girlfriends, ya know... yes, i am feeling a bit on the silly side today... sleep will do that :)

hello out there :)

slept through the day

most of it, at least... in bed, no less... amazing, huh?... well, considering i didn't actually head to be until about 8:30am and i fell asleep in the recliner about 6am, it's not a full blast 8+ hours in bed the body (and brain) wanted, but it's a whole lot better than the past few days... nothing new or exciting (so goes the facebook life, aye? lol lam)... now, after taking care of happiness, it's time for a steamy hot shower... these sweet luxuries are lost on most of us when we are running the rat race... so i am gonna keep reminding myself how lucky i am to have free time...

how about you? :)

helping friends

the last few hours i spent writing and researching for a friend... research has always been fun for me (so why didn't i continue with school?... money, of course, had to make money and didn't have enough for $300+ per credit at the time and when i did, well, i bought a house and took a decade off instead... but a BS even with honors and extra credits does not go far today... in other words, i was just stupid about going back, but that's yesterday and today, whatever)... the day flew by fast and jackson just got home for a quick dinner before she has to head back out for more work and church stuff and life out there... happiness had another reasonably good day as far as his itching goes... maybe i can let myself sleep in bed tonight... soon... tired...

hope your day is going well :)

slower internet

brighthouse definitely is providing slower internet at this location than they did at the last and the puzzling thing is more people have dishes (in other words fewer people have brighthouse) here so the bandwidth is not being spread as thin as it was at the other location... probably not as important as i am not using the internet for work these days (and i mostly use the tv as background noise so the crap cable service can be ignored too), though jackson does and she has all sorts of issues with connectivity... the third light on the router, the one that brighthouse says is supposed to not blink, is constantly blinking... the internet was not great at first at the other location and it took several tech support visits and rewiring and several router equipment changes at the other location to get it right, so they probably will have to do that here when i get fed up with the crap brighthouse service enough to want to give them more of my time... though the dishes seem to be satisfying the neighbors...

anyway, this morning i communicated with friends and strangers online, enjoying this life of leisure... if only i had a partner who had this much leisure time in this play time, life would be even more fun... hope you are having some fun in your life too (do it, just do it and you will :)

morning walks

well, sleep was sort of, on and off, and as expected, happiness wakes me with the sun for food and more walking... and today i am awake, not refreshed, for sleep continues to be too broken to refresh well, but awaker than other days... yes, awaker... take that spellchecker... and i have so many wonderful things to do today, just look at all the facebook messages to read... this is living...

and this is sarcasm...

narf :)

wandering nowhere

or is that nothing?... volume five, started decades ago, was (and still is) entitled nothingness... it was not necessarily a physics experiment or scientific study, but then, there were so few (if any) specific themes or writing rules back then, so it could have included anything in any way... it is in the storage place north of niagara falls, ny along with a few hundred other hand-written volumes... someday the brilliance and nonsense contained therein may be discovered... i'd like to be there, but then, who else would be...

this and actually, part of my world reminded me of how many parts of me are not given much attention these days... can i be the only one fascinated with as many diverse things (as in aspects of life, art, and everything) as i am?... every day i find many dozens of things that excite me and at least a few that have me exploding with conscious wows and i wish someone was around to share it and i wish someone experienced this experience of life as i do...

ah yes, wide awake, sort of...

narf :)

wandering the web

happiness had a relatively peaceful evening and slept a lot, which is good news, and even better he stayed right next to me so he did not have to be restricted and i could relax a bit... i mostly wandered the web and watched syfy tv... here's some of what occupied my time: a film and another film and money thoughts and this and that and corruption and opinion secrecy and news and vaccines and waste and science and trash and another film and conspiracy and space news and spatial news and genius and courage and a hero and police abuse declared homicide by the coroner...

the world is a sad, strange, and sometimes wonderful place, no doubt...

broken sleep, itchy puppy

he doesn't mean to, but he's sucking my energy dry with his need to be supervised cuz his itchiness has passed the point of safe for him and he will continue opening skin on his body if i don't stay away and stop him... i may put the cone on him for the first time tonight... he still has claws that have scratched off skin in an area it would take a diaper to bandage... i see a bath in his near future... jackson is staying over at sanford's tonight... i wish she would change some fundamental spending habits so she could balance her budget... so many people are caught in the paycheck to paycheck habit and many, maybe most don't have to be... but she won't accept help and she won't change habits so it is what it is... and alas, my me time is minimal... but i must remember i have this luxury of time not working so even though i am giving a lot of it to happiness and not sleeping and resting and living my rhythm, it could be a lot worse...

on another level, loneliness and not feeling needed is not fun... and would i be saving myself, exercising, going out to find someone who wants to make me #1 if i did have the time to myself?... or would i be sitting home lazy without a good excuse for being tired and just wallowing in the poor-me lonelies?... we'll never know, aye?... sure do love confronting myself with all the possibilities, i suppose... the broken sleep clouds the mind and makes indecision and self-doubt easier... and the slow vegetative process of dying too... ah, reality is a dancing conundrum, or something like that, cha cha cha...

and how are you? :)

a little caught up

on sleep, that is... and rest... and recuperate... and recovery... and feeding the face... and happiness care... he's trying to avoid me cuz all he wants to do is scratch... he opened another skin tear while we were away... that's what i was concerned about and why we got him to the vet the day before and why we shopped for lots of bandaging stuff on the way home... the vets bandage did not stay on... what it takes is constant, and i mean constant supervision... five minutes in the bathroom, shower, or (dare i say it) sleep and he's ripped, nipped, or scratched open another bloody opening in his skin... the itching is that bad... i've got to build the cardboard box fort again to keep him close so i can close my eyes for a bit and hope his collar jingling wakes me when he starts scratching again...

hey, the animaniacs have an all day marathon going on... yay :)

jackson has to work, so we're lucky i am not working... though i wish she made more money cuz happiness is expensive and helping pay for him as i've done for the past few years is not as wise or simple now... he is sooo itchy... .and i am soooo... tired... and tired of doing this alone... but i can't ignore him so, time to play doctor some more... gues it's like they've always said (oh really?), when you feel like you wanna eat some worms, you might as well go play with dog poo...

narf lol :)

evolving entries

sometimes i take a bit of an entry from here or somewhere else and expand on it in an attempt to share more with a friend on a one to one basis and sometimes i just cheat and share entries as mini-letters to friends, but usually the entries expand with either more information or linkages or both and that is how the last entry turned into this:

in any case, my random linkage for this morning's blog in (e)thereal involved fear which may or may not be a subconscious offshoot of this epic entry and all it's linkages or this one, even (not that profound, on second though, but still wishing you were somehow here again does not necessarily make it so, ya know? (we're only human, after all, and can we get a whatever, narf)... what?... maybe 10% or so...

et tu? :)

43 degrees

and so the weather predictors were wrong again... predicting 33 degrees and a freeze warning and the coldest it got was 43 degrees is kind of way off... but there is a little frost on the cars and grass, so perhaps the phone weather app is off... in any case, chill, ya know?... and besides, the days went by and so did the night and sleep still calls as much as the longing to share that brought me here again does so today will be another day of duality bouncing between here and sleep and wanting to loaf and wanting to share, with a touch of responsibility perhaps tossed in now and then...

and you? :)

long weekend

and lots of catching up to do... and perhaps, maybe, it is possible, there will be a few, and perhaps possibly a plethora even, of catch up entries slipped in before or during this one because the energy level is . . . . . .

several hours ago, when i started this entry, wow... and now, after wandering in various directions inside and outside of my head, i have no clue what i was about to do as i turned on the computer (but i was excited about it) before starting this entry and no clue where i was going with this entry and so, hi... welcome back... how are you?... miss me?... i've missed you... take care... back whenever, hopefully soon :)

long night

i think i fell asleep before midnight but found myself awake just after 3am and emptied the bladder and moved to the couch... i was sleeping in the recliner because i am sleeping in the living room with happiness tonight because he is breaking his skin and has a hole in his leg from his scratching and nipping himself due to his skin allergies... it happens at least once a year and this is the season... probably the change in temperatures combined with pollen and also the change in environment... he's got very sensitive skin and ears... yesterday it rained all afternoon and evening s he got wet and that does not help his skin... and the sandy grounds outside does not help the carpet...

so anyway, i laid on the couch but he woke a couple of times and i had to stop him from scratching and nipping and i was not finding myself falling back into sleep so here we are... i gave him a benadryl last night, but it only helps so much... he hasn't been drinking as much water the past couple of days, which is not good for him... he usually has to wear a head cone about this time of year because of his scratching and nipping his skin and he is inching toward needing one again... that's a sad experience all around, so i am trying to help him avoid it but that means constant supervision... much like a small child... having a dog, especially an older dog with more needs than the average dog, definitely alters a lifestyle... all in all, this has been his night...

i must do some laundry and find the clothes (unpack more) i need for the softball tournament that we leave for in twelve hours... but i'll wait until he wakes up (sunrise is less than an hour and he'll be up wanting food and walking)... i definitely am not doing the sleep and exercise and self-care i need to do lately and his needs definitely become the best excuse... partly excuse, but do not want him to hurt himself...

someday we'll all understand

if i dared you to click on and read and tell me what you think of every link in this entry, would you?... could you?... yes, you should, but you have to want to be able to handle it, ya know?... randomly, even... and if you tried to put me in a box like you are apt to do (humankind), i give you this entry to the method to a mind, if you don't mind (and if you, do, think again, this was meant to get to you)... start again?...

ok, so someday, we'll all understand (yes, even you)... right, so here we go... people are strange... and we are all strangers... history suggests amazing stories (reading in your spare time) he says lol lol lol, but every day, year, decade, century, and millennia, even has so many meanings and statistical people can propose fascinating stuff, from temporal studies to the deliberate dumbing down of a whole nation under the guise of paranoid (are we really?... or is that just my russian girlfriend?, aye?) conspiracies (seriously)... it is really a sad self-destructive path those peculiar insane men in power keep us on for the fulfillment of their insane apocalyptic (dreams what?... seriously, people who look forward to death are dangerous to the living) and prophesies, but then, and after all, combinatorial optimisation is a ubiquitous discipline...

who? what? (oh not again)

i think it was the episode introducing amy pond or near thereabouts and during which i completed this epic entry which took hours and days, even, but then, who was watching (big eyes in the sky, perhaps) and the excitement poured our of pores unseen so the sandwich and sides that never made it to the fridge called me to re-open them again and as i bubbled over with jubilee or something the mustard exploded a bit which delayed the savouring for clean up so jackson would not have to and then the bladder nudged me to the bathroom where i discovered more to be done so we sat there a while and let out all sorts of interesting stuff like this entry or that or maybe eating mayonnaise-based salads that have been sitting out in florida for several hours is not the best idea or this entry and more to the point, you should have been there as the stimulation was coming faster than these little fingers could record it which is a shame for those who actually do want to know. whomever you may be, but then, there's always hope and besides, going back in time does that, you know...

what?...

what was that?

what if you lived ten thousand years and hardly moved at all?... really?... it may not even know what we do to it's relatives... and it's so versatile, gee, huh?... it may not be jealous of the shamwow (or sham, not so wow, and the fumes might be dangerous to women, but that's another story, ya know?)... we do kill fewer now, so that's good... after all, it's not nice to harevts too much mother nature, like beware, aye?...

meanwhile, whatever i was here to say has been washed away, so to speak...

narf :)

was this the way it was before?

i mean, was i just sitting down once a day and typing ten or fifteen entries and making it seem like an entry was coming out every hour or so?... i mean, december had 400+ entries and each of the last 4 months had 200+ entries and every month since last july had 100+ entries each, so what was it like?... i mean, when i sit down here now i don't much feel like i've been away and yet i haven't written an entry today or most of yesterday, almost 36 hours without an entry... is that odd?... was it odd before?...

let's all say it together now - whatever lol... if there are a dozen entries between this one and the last one before the night is out, well, whatever and if there are not, well, whatever and life shall go on and we shall continue our mostly one way sharing and soon, there will be pizza for dinner...

so how was your almost 36 hours? :)

the power of linkage (and then some)

and so many thoughts from so much readings and we might as well be vril, aye?... what?... vril, not avril, dummy... that invisible limitless confidence, charisma, the energy of believing you know the secrets of the universe silently expressing the embodiment of innocence (shhhh, now you're telling secrets) boo!

ah, but as with any potentially powerful idea and energy (what?, when the paranoid and delusional among us try to grasp it, they have no clue of what to do and therefore fear the unknown and their own ignorance and use aggression to try to possess and control the idea of the energy and power of understanding they fail to attain due to their fear (yes, they are caught in a vicious cycle and are to be pitied, but also to be prevented from becoming too aggressive as they will destroy and kill... too much of the fear and ignorance and we're left with sad or angry or confused or confusing wlf cryers or humorless psychopaths, even, puking soft vitriol and disgorging esoterrhea and as the church lady would say, isn't that special...

and then they saw in the eyes of a fool all the wisdom of the ages or was it indigestion, but you have to go way back (or way out) to grasp the significance of the madness of the...

HEY MO!

HEY MO!

10 things i hate about blue

talk about short attention spans, tv has prepared most minds for the world of internet serials where 9-10 minutes is all you need (or all you can take in) before needing a break... i still remember a time when ten minutes of story interrupted by anything was annoying enough to turn the tv off and put in a video or simply go out and live life... like today, for instance... it is so sad that we have a culture that caters to mental illness instead of encouraging people to evolve... conditioned to commercials...

and then there's blue... you'll just have to watch to understand... yeah, i did that...

perhaps ridiculous

yes, the grand total is thirty-five, as in 35 entries added overnight... so far... i am pausing though, so the final grand total might remain 35... those of you who were betting on any other grand total number, well, perhaps there will be an adjustment, but for now, those of you who picked thirty-five, as in 35, you win the prize, perhaps even the grand prize, but for now, the prize... and perhaps ridiculous is the way to describe the ridiculous rambling nonsense with occasional seriousness that added thirty-five, as in 35 entries to this blog tonight, but then, you are the ones betting on how many entries would be added to this blog tonight, so who's ridiculous, really?... oh gee, we are just kidding each other, joshing, even, right?... of course right... i love you, after all, and appreciate you giving me hope that life has some meaning as much as you appreciate my rambling nonsense and even the occasional profound truth... yes, profound truths do happen at times, though not thirty-five, as in 35 in one night, but profound truths do happen... though not every profound truth is as serious as others, some are tongue in cheek too, but some profound truths are worth repeating again...

truth is unifying, truth is freeing, truth is the ultimate life... it is as simple as this, if you are fighting to prove your truth is truth, then you have not found truth... when you found truth, you know there is no longer a need to fight over what is truth... for truth is the bridge to peace, love, and happiness...

not that ridiculous, aye?... at least not to me :)

suddenly, so many

thirty, forty, fifty, how many entries were added tonight?... shhhh, just these last few, right?... i mean, i didn't suddenly find several dozen reasons to write meaningful entries, right?... i mean, there's no point in appearing to connect all the dots when there's no actual picture to see if all the dots were connected, right?... the story changes every moment but the song remains the same, the life is lived for loving for those who dare to love, and for the rest, trapped in fear, life is a struggle, a battle, a sad delusion we politely pretend to accept or ignore...

see, nobody fights over truth, when truth is finally known and understood... truth is unifying, truth is freeing, truth is the ultimate life... so if you find yourself fighting over what you believe is truth, then consider the possibility that you have not actually found truth... for truth is the bridge to peace, love, and happiness...

narf :)

happiness wakes

actually, it was closer to 4am, but i was in the middle of writing another entry at 4am so i continued it and uploaded it in real time and came back here to record happiness's condition as it slowly deteriorates... he was hacking and definitely not feeling well so i got up and took him out for a walk immediately... it's probably increased mucous in his lungs as a response to rebounding off the benadryl that jackson's been giving him the last few days because his skin allergies have been acting up big time... a couple of times a year the allergies get really bad and he usually gets a cortizone shot and other pills, but so far she's sticking to benadryl for him... he needs a vet visit for a few reasons, but i am covering all the moving and rent expenses right now so i can't help with the vet this time...

old dogs have so many needs... bleeding every time he pees and nearly deaf and going blind and his ears are usually itching and/or hurting and his skin allergies are flaring big time and he's itching right now, but i am hoping he'll fall back to sleep since benadryl on an empty stomach is not the best thing... if not i guess i could feed him and start the day early... after all, i'm living the life of leisure these days and can sleep whenever... jackson should be home sometime tomorrow or she'll let me know if not...

maybe music will help him sleep... nite nite :)

diminishing interest

some might say sleep clears the mind and often that is true, but sleep is only half the food the mind needs (thought you knew), sleep allows regeneration but the body still needs food, balanced life sustaining nutrients too... yeah, the rest is good... but so is food... and it happens now and then that i find myself losing interest in coming to the computer, and these past few days have been one of those times... i can fake it by putting words together and uploading oddities and weirdness and obscurity so ridiculous that selling it as cleverness is possible, but then, who are we fooling (and who do we want to fool?... human egos?... insecurities?... naiveties?... innocents?...

robots?...

the past week or so

several, perhaps even a dozen random entries were inserted into the past week or so as if they were always there (and at least fifteen more are coming... shhhh, don't tell anybody, ok?) and that obviously completely alters the natural flow of communication you might have seen if you were reading in real time, but no worries if you are ocd or just want to know me for real or something cuz you can check the table of contents for this month when it is posted next month and the pregnancy test won't even matter by then, so you can let down your defenses and relax as much as you can cuz it really doesn't matter if we're wrong or right cuz where we belong we're right, so chill...

we weren't looking to get married, after all...

stuff happened

i slept and will sleep and sleep is good, even if it is haphazard and nutrition is wonky, as nobody is connecting to every moment these days and nobody is asking for alterations in the daily life though jackson cares and probably isn't sure just what to do with the wacky circadian rhythm i am living and it will take longer to adjust and find mind because i am caring for happiness while jackson is away and she is away a lot cuz of work and sleepovers and i love them both so i compromise and detach and wander aimlessly through my head and the daily life and this rambling just shows what little interest i have in conforming these days which is a very healthy state of mind for me...

lonely though... any calm peaceful rebels out there? :)

the world shudders?

wtf is the wtf?... shockwaves throughout the world?... well, perhaps through some of one seventh of the world... but i mean, the nerve of the chosen one not to die in the throne, imagine, the audacity to be a human being and retire instead of wasting away useless to everyone except those who want to rule the roost while you are senile but still alive and supposedly in charge... the utter selfishness of wanting someone more capable than yourself at the head of the wealthiest non-profit (oh really?) corporation in the world... wait, is this cause for war?... i mean, some arian race, aye?... of course a lightening bolt struck st. peter, it all makes so much sense... the hat is so heavy, after all... and he might not be able to remember the right answers for all the questions people have about the child abuse rampant under those robes, after all... you want someone who can keep those answers straight, after all...

it's tough being pope when you have trouble with the poop...

excuse me if i don't take the whole thing seriously... i mean, first world problems are really getting ridiculous... might as well have a reality show called the vatican... you want serious here, this is serious... stop pretending to care - anyone who controls trillions of dollars has the power to end hunger, poverty, and most of the horrors more than half the world deal with on a daily basis... caring is a verb, but just a word...

barf...

plug it in plug it in

and plug it in again... yes, the story of the night is plugging it in... it being the entry, so many its, actually, and the plugging being the inserting of the its into the blog stream... if you see the its as penises and the plugging as sexual intercourse and the blog stream as vaginas (or vaginae, for that matter), well then, you've got an entirely different picture of what the last week has been about in this blog and you really ought to come sleep over... there is portland and vancouver close together in oregon and in british columbia, but that doesn't mean there's a vancouver in maine or a portland in washington, for that matter... they do have sex there though, even tonight...

good morning? :)

more sleep than it seems

though i am not sleeping through the night and i am not sleeping the normal human circadian rhythm and i am not sleeping as much as the ideal sleepness would be best for the overall health and well being of this body and mind in which i find myself most of the time, i am sleeping more than this blog might give the impression i sleep, probably... it's just this 4am time that brings me to hear all the lonely songs i ever knew and just want to distract myself with nonsense or the mockery of humanity (which is so easy) so i babble on and on hoping someone out there would understand and find me and come on over and be the one (being a libido fantasy would help, but at least being brilliant and free of human stupidity and fears and delusions and the desperate need to conform would be nice...

and saying bless you when i burp, that would be nice too...

what does serious mean to you?

i mean, do you take any of this seriously?... of course that is a loaded question that cannot be answered perfectly, but if you attempt an answer i will appreciate you even as i laugh at myself for asking... see, some of this blog is monumentally serious, serious enough to mean life and death for me... you don't want me dead, right?... and some of this blog is meaningless gibberish disguised as seriousness and we'd both feel foolish if you misunderstood that and yet, i write for people who enjoy having their minds played with, so do you like having your mind played with?... and then, there are those times that i seem quite meaningless and ridiculous, even, but woven between the lines is the most serious seriousness of all... and it's all waiting for you to figure it out... be fearless and perpared to laugh at yourself a lot (laughing together tears down walls of fear and builds bonds of trust, believe it or not), for you shall stumble and fall and if you don't find the humor, you won't understand the seriousness...

another way to say it is... if you do not understand my silence, you will not understand my words...

narf too :)

someone told me

you have some great goals... sleep more... exercise better... de-clutter and reorganize... i keep repeating those to myself daily and some days, i do it but not enough days... and the tasks - and the energy, that comes from the first two... and you don't get to do these things focused on others, you must find the time to focus on yourself, the selfish time to actually do the first two for starters... and yay for your turning off the tv... i sometimes do and sometimes don't... it's distraction for me, but sleep would be much better... it may seem selfish at times, but always remember that you give more and better to others when you are in a better place physically so even the selfless parent can understand that logic - or do you really want to continue lying to yourself when you tell yourself that it's a compromise and you are giving them more time and that's the best you can do?... wanna be creeping around an old person long before you need to be?... reality is real when you step into it...

huge steps are baby steps that you actually take when they are the right baby steps...

stories and life

you may not have noticed, unless you have time to read everything (even the dozens of entries slipped in after days go by, aye?) and click on the links and read those too, but there are moments when i want to vent frustration with the lack of responses, the loneliness, the feeling of being ignored, and so on... i know some of you care, but sometimes i just wonder... and then i look around in the daily physical reality and realize people don't really care to know each other - i mean how many people really have best friends who share every secret the way we used to when we were kids... lucky if you do... that's what i want most of all... and sometimes, i just want to curse the world for being alone...

but tonight we had fun on the softball field and won 12-0... so life ain't all bad :)

life rules

well let's see... if we start with what is supposedly most important to humans in this world, that "commandment" thing (humans are so addicted to rules, probably because they are so addicted to fear and without trust there must be rules) so that is the core of the whatever security and happiness humans can attain (and you may have always sensed the security that allowed for a relative lack of rules in me even when the world did it's best to force me to conform to the fears and turn it all sour or upside down... when honesty and love rules over fear, few rules are needed... love comes first - truth walks hand in hand, but love speaks first (wish i could always actualize that, but that's the basic rule of me, my way)... it is the way to actualize honesty without harm... there is not much need for any other rules after that, but so many are so afraid that this simplicity is too scary so i do my best to compromise and understand... sometimes... the understanding came early in this life for me, but even before that conscious "rule" or "way to be" were instinctive rules... if only everyone understood this... only i know what i see, how i feel, what is right for me, and what is real in my mind - and my mind is all there really is and everything is illusion, a dream i dream alone... the same for you and everyone... what i share makes it more, sharing makes it reality... knowing this matters (click and trust)...

and when i am alone, i dare to share (and therein make it real) in words and music (with others from afar) - and maybe that hints at how important the mix tapes i make for myself are to me... that is the way to share, the way to reality when i am alone...

and that is a scratch of the surface of knowing :)

sleep clears the mind

previous entries may be more meaningful or at least more worth reading (complete with lots of links i have not checked yet, but points of interest both personal and profound), so i refer you (and me) to the this entry and that entry and all . the . other . entries . that . babbled . on and on and on . before... and sometimes even more... amazing, aye?...

more sleep please...

i want sleep

but happiness wants food and a walk... i walked him about 2:30am, but the sun is coming up and his schedule is ready for his food and walk... if i don't stick close to his schedule, he'll throw up or get sick... this is why i don't have a pet anymore... but then, i do, don't i... this body desperately needs sleep to recover from the workout i gave the arm yesterday but i have happiness begging and walking me and a softball game to manage later and somewhere in between i need more sleep... not thinking clearly... sleep... later... walk and feed happiness now... probably wake me up as it usually does... grumpy achy sleepy tired... wrong weekend to be pushing the arm and body...

yeah, so anyway (right?)

additional past entries may catch up on the past 24 hours and the previous several 24 hours that have been spent away from the computer, but for now i am digesting delicious pizza after getting home from a fun card night with friends that i didn't know we were going to do until about 45 minutes before we started which is a wonderful benefit of living on this side of town where i have closer friends five minutes away or less... one called, and less than an hour later i was showered and at another's house and we played spades and oh-hell and hearts for six hours and it was fun fun fun... and meanwhile, back in the written gardens, just because unfinished business is unfinished and i stretch loose ends as far as they will go, this next paragraph belongs here too...

i refer myself (and you) to the previous entry and the one before and all . the . other . entries . that . have not . been reviewed . fully (again) . in my head (did i explain recently or do you remember that i read almost every entry i write shortly after writing and routinely (and often randomly) roll back the years by reviewing writing i wrote anytime in this life and the entries linked in this paragraph are linked in this paragraph partly to remind me that i have not read the entries enough to file them away in my mind and also to mark for posterity a departure detachment separation pause in the constant contact i have been maintaining for about nine months (human gestation... interesting) for whatever meaning might be found by me or anyone caring to seek or create meaning in the babbling i've babbled from the beginning...

hope life is wonderful and you have internal and exernal releases and fun like i do :)

games with friends

that's where i am, playing and winning (at least when i concentrate and it's not a pure luck game, most of the time) and snacking and drinking sugar-caffeine fluids and having so much fun... these nights do nothing for my love life as i know these people well and none are love interests, or even sexual interests, but a few times a month there is fun playing cards... next week there's a bigger game night, but i'll be in tampa with jackson playing softball and trying not to hurt my arm... the arm is still pretty sore, the specific point of maximum pain still stings and screams when i move it just the wrong way (which is concerning as it suggest there is still a tear, but it should be healed by now, and i am wondering if it is not a neurological thing for the long haul, dangit)...

still, the pain can be ignored sometimes when there's enough fun around... and tonight is fun... hope you are enjoying your weekend cuz i want you to... but even if you are not, i want to know... i care and want you to share... even if i don't say that in every entry cuz most entries are just babbling distractions from loneliness or the stupidity of the world, ya know?... what say ye, peeps?...

random associations

or disassociations, for that matter... collateral damage, perhaps... the mind pretends to know so much and when someone relaxes enough everybody knows they can see through the veils of pretense which sets of defensive aggression in many (macho morons, for instance, but much more devious deceptive distractions and defenses strike out in so many ways, seen and unseen... and then people wonder what happened and why marriages dissolve and people snap suddenly kill family or strangers and why countries are at war) or in perhaps even more cases the relaxation honesty triggers fears that shrink people into shadows siting heads in the sand and creating organized frailty to excuse avoidance of the reality of relaxed honesty and fears...

what?...

food and friends

after practice, six of us went out to eat... unfortunately, wing house so i settled for sliders and what a rip off... they charge for cheese and onions and bacon and give next to none... and i bought food at the supermarket yesterday just so i could not spend money over the weekend cuz i am spending too much on unnecessary treats... but it was good to hang out with friends so, whatever to the wallet and to the food...

and then home and rest... the arm is aching numb... could definitely use some sleep...

the arm, the body

finally hooked up with the team at practice and tested out the arm... would have been soo much emotionally easier (and right, really) if i had a close enough friend to make time for me to test out the arm less publicly without so many people counting on me to be all healed and ready to be at 100%... so i pitched to two batters, maybe 50 pitches, and while it was painful, it did not seem like injury pain but rather rehab pain... and then i took batting practice for at least 40 swings... the first ten were not so hot, but i started getting in the groove and felt like i had decent bat control by the last ten swings... the arm was feeling it, but again, not injury pain (we hope)... and then i pitched to three more batters and the arm felt even looser, but i still have too much pain - injury pain - when i try to throw overhand so i was handling ground balls and practicing throwing to first underhand...

all in all, the arm and the body are quite sore... but on the way back... good news...

yeah, so do you care?

are the best days behind us?... all that information on the right side of this blog, including the links to the entries that i've chosen cuz they kind of say something meaningful about me, i think (some were chosen years ago, who knows what i was thinking then, ya know?), and some more recently ones should have been added there, but does it matter?... do they represent me?... who knows?... the couple of people who really know me enough to know me don't read this (or don't tell me they do) and the few of you who read kinda regularly don't have much reference to compare the words to... i am such an enigma (and so often actually try to be, aye?), it's a spiraling out of control conundrum...

so how are you?...

narf :)

out of order

monty python might understand and the marx brothers might even be offended, maybe, but the last dozen or two and the next dozen or two are out of order in so many ways... the table of contents might help once february is listed there, but until then this month is simply out of order and whatever comes of the flow of entries read from the beginning through the middle is whatever might randomly come from the out of orderness that is here and now and then and before and tomorrow too, at least...

this is my way of saying everything will be alright... this is my way of saying i wish you were here to enjoy the madness of the out of order and understand the meaning behind the apparent meaninglessness...

repetitious?

what?... you couldn't be thinking i was repeating myself, right?... i mean, just because i wrote a gazillion entries tonight i am not desperately begging for attention, you see?... you can find information and determinate for yourself, judge even... but if you expect to understand everything then you obviously are delusional, but no worries, most people are... and if you don't want to conform, well, you don't have to... just ask and you will see the light, or something like that... there is no need for a whole lot of rules of life if you understand what matters most... and as strange as it gets (especially if you follow the links which lead to all sorts of details, secrets, laughter), and even truth...

wish you were here :)

ever notice?

is anybody out there?... i mean, did you ever notice the is anybody out there message that appears just to the right of every post?... not to mention the links for those paying attention... or the long list of links to entries below a few other messages on the right under come a little bit closer for that matter... and then there are the links i link in entry after entry for the sake of communication, attention, notice?...

whatever, right?...

narf...

ain't too proud to beg

am i begging you to click on links, am i trying to show you what matters to me, am i hope what matters to me matters to you, cuz you matter to me and i want to matter to you and am i begging you to read me more?... probably, but seriously you matter and matter cannot be created or destroyed, so we are precious matter to boot... not that i want to boot you anywhere, but if you take off your boot i might tickle your toes... or wash them, if that seems more prudent... clean toes tickle better, after all...

it would be wonderful if we shared more, ya know?...

another entry today

if i did not write another entry today i'd be ok with that cuz then the previous entry might get a little more attention and i believe it should, not just for all the links linked there in previous entry (and since then, the babbler almost woke and i have been remembering when i started to remember in the entry before the entry that has been mentioned a few times in this entry as previous entry, so maybe)...

anyway, i even put a link to previous entry on my facebook, which is rare... a comment from someone (not local. mentioned in previous entry... have i gotten you to click there yet?) inspired the entry and that's why i linked it there on facebook... the irony is the phone rang at 5:45am and i didn't hear it (you'll have to read previous entry to understand)... no message, unknown number (though local), go figure... i sent a text to the number asking who and what, but haven't heard back... maybe a wrong number... meanwhile, all those links could give your mind some exercise, i mean, my links are not always to more of my own writing, after all... if only there was time, aye?... well, hopefully you will find some and enjoy...

so i haven't slept since the shower... nap later... breakfast was toast, cream cheese, and chocolate milk... jackson just left for her work day... happiness had breakfast and a couple of walks... the bookshelf was moved and boxes rearranged and unpacked... it's a beautiful day and i'm gonna enjoy it... hope you do too :)

the phone is in the bedroom

just in case this night of all the nights of the eternity is the night you chose to text or call, the phone is not by my side, it is in the bedroom (likely lost in commas and parentheses) and might not be heard here in the living room where i currently type these words to you, whomever you may be... so i stopped by the the facebook, i believe it was a tuesday, and the comment < Z P G 4 ever ! from Gonad McGillicuddy lead me to ponder perhaps ... gibran - the wanderer or nietzsche - the wanderer or perhaps not ... alas (and then some - who da man?) ... (or do we dally, la dee da?), but who would be fool enough to argue with the night?...

and here we see what a steamy hot shower might do...

don't be scared now

i think that's what he says just before the two bumbling home invaders try to rob his house, but this is no such incident here, no, here in this blog i am merely attempting to coerce fear from your mind, to rob you of your weakness and replace it with security and comfort... yes, i am secretly stealing your stupidity, your insecurity, and all the pretenses you've been taught to depend on... if we are lucky, you will leave here without needing the lies your were programmed to believe in and you can start living your life honestly and genuinely in this physical reality we call the world, as challenging as that may seem and in some ways actually be...

something in the way we move, la la la...

do you watch the news?

do you buy into all of the fears the news sells?... if it does not make you nauseous to watch the news, especially when it tells you to be afraid all the time, then you are probably in denial or slightly retarded... if you are laughing, there may still be hope for you... or would you like to swing on a star, carry moonbeams home in a jar... no, that wasn't a serious question... if you are the kind of person who is offended easily, you shouldn't be reading this blog... unless you enjoy being offended easily and in that case, fuck you and the horse that shitted on your favorite shoes... wait, if you are really good, george carlin might roll over in his grave and fart the seven words you can't say on television...

or maybe you watch the news...

remembering what we missed

after all, there's only been a little over 300 entries since the first of the year and just over 4,200 entries in this daily blog over the past few years and if we start wondering how many you've missed, well, we'll likely find there's thousands more elsewhere you've missed even more... so many words without response, without notice... and well beyond words, actions, beings, people we know and might want to know (and some we never met might have been closest of all)... that's life, real and imaginary...

sadly, when we don't keep in touch with the people who inspire us, they can die and years can pass (i mean nicolette larson), like that link to someone i wish i knew and used to love to listen to who died 15+ years ago and i only discovered this today... what can i say, i was a bit out of touch in 1997... and out of touch i've been with an even bigger old favorite so i just discovered she doesn't even have an official website... i mean linda ronstadt... if you know what i mean by knowing a serious connection with someone by the look in their eyes, she's one of the first and deepest... and there have been so few, really... two n the physical flesh life... a few in the from afar life...

and i've been here all along too :}

goodness me oh my and all

or something like that... so the past five hours (two hours from now) i played spades, mostly, and also helped jackson unpack more of the kitchen and loaded the dishwasher and folded towels and emptied another half dozen boxes and cooked oatmeal and while the oatmeal cools, here we are... and before that i slept a bunch of hours... and before that i watched a little tv with jackson as she ate dinner and before that i ate dinner and before that i napped and before that i slept and before that i was sleepy...

yeah, maybe i will (catch up with entries between then and now) and maybe i will just wander elsewhere (again?)... or maybe more facebook pages that nobody reads or visits... it does matter... it does matter... it does matter... some things are well worth repeating... you matter... even when we are not here...

good morning...

tv lasts just so long

so practically six years ago primeval started and i just finally took a look at it this week and i so enjoyed hannah spearritt and besides the fact that she reminds me of kate hudson who has long been a libbo favorite, i wish i knew of hannah spearritt a while back because she's engaged now and i don't lust after engaged people much, unless of course she wants to come over and change my mind... there's still kunis and her pimp craigyferg (oh, but don't be ridiculous, after all, who can resist those durn brits and their sexy petticoats... keep moving right along, nothing to masturbate about here...

seriously wah?

no not really, this is the last thing from seriously at the moment as i fill in the fodder of a falling from grapes... there's nothing to see here, no one peeing in the corner and no huge piles of money under the bed sheets, just us willie wonkas and a couple of bozos bouncing around waiting for the bus... you just keep taking your flavonoids and don't worry about things, that's what popes and kings and presidents are for...

wah?...

sense or nonsense or what?

somewhere in my head (and in my actions), i still have that dream of being perfect and everyone admiring and respecting the together being i am as represented in my epic writings... and of course i have shrugged that dream off with the cavalier sort of advertisement for an editor i babble on about every now and then... but the fact is, that dream is dependent on external focus, on other people's opinion of me... and when i realize this truth, i write much more freely without any hesitation (or much less) and without extended pauses or breaks that make me kick myself and feel like i have to start all over again... it's a matter of realizing that the writing is for you first, that the writing is exploring you, finding you, and creating you - allowing you to know yourself and therein, learn how to better actualize yourself... that is the best you can do in this life... the most you can do - to be more, whole, real... those who fault you are envious and show their own faults in faulting you... those who do not like you are projecting what they do not like about themselves on you... anyone not loving and supporting and beaming to know you does not matter... those who care and want to know you matter... these are some of the "rules" or again "ways to be" that save me regarding the outside world and others... your focus must be on yourself as much as possible, not on the form or format or appearance or what it should be... continuing to shoot the arrows matters more than hitting a target... i hope that makes some sense to you...

what?...

six days?

or maybe five... the competitive nature of the insecure human is annoying me and undermining my desire to be altruistic and kind and loving... the giving i love to do tastes sour and even bitter when i experience the dominating fears and hypocrisy, manipulation, and stupidity that results from the fears... few humans seem capable of living without empowering the fears... humans create such a sad and frustrating culture to wallow in... is human nature truly nihilism... somewhere deep down do they know that the only way they survive is to create imaginary powers and beliefs?... is that the source of the self-destruction?... they are so dependent on pretense and delusion that it is almost impossible to actually honestly relate to individuals... emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical drugs...

so anyway, was i really so out of touch for the next six days?... or maybe five?...