happy new year

in case you happen by, i probably won't be back at the computer until next year, so i just wanted to wish you all a happy new year from thereal... my hope for 2009 is that i share thereal in the real more next year, and you find what you are looking for in your thereal too :)

happy new year vacuum :)

happy new year silence :)

happy new year all :)

busy crazy day

if something could go wrong at work today, it did... computer problems, people making all sorts of mistakes, dangerous mistakes... there'll be a big mess tpo clean up next year... i don't know why i bothered going in because i could get nothing done... tomorrow may be the same, but hey, then i am off for five more days, so, patience...

gonna go nap now :)

nocturnal digression

i wrote a bit after dinner and now, well, tomorrow is another day and after five wonderful days for myself, it is time to return to my desk at work and deal with the backlog (i am just going to call next month december, 2008 all over again until i get all the year-end work completed)... and as nocturnal as i am (one more minority i fall into among humans, one more difference that makes it all the harder to find and compatible partner... sigh, the night can be so lonely and yet... the night can be so exhilarating, so satisfying, so wonderfully fulfilling to feel/be part of all the universe... the daylight shuts out the stars and expanse so well... no wonder humans became such egocentric self-centered species... they spend most of the time forgetting how small we are on this tiny rock in the middle of space... a nocturnal digression, no doubt), i must force the rhythm back into a daylight awake mode so i will sleep now and wake then and make optimal use of the day...

so sweet dreams, and nite nite :)

time moves along

and even if you lived right here and read every word as i wrote it, you might not be here all the time and might miss an entry or few dozen as the words seem to be flowing at a higher rate every day lately... but that's the beauty of the archives, you can always catch up and get your fill if you want to :)

just returning from the gym, a more complete upper body workout and therefore only 22 minutes on the elliptical (including cool down) and i clocked two miles in just under 21 minutes, knocking almost three minutes off again... this was at the intermediate level of the total body workout (last time was beginner level) and my arms were tired from the weight machines workout so i ought to be impressed, except for the fact that i am not...

but it's progress... meanwhile, i was considering a point in an earlier conversation about how some people, through choice or circumstance, are very settled in one place in one routine for many years (like parents who stay with their kids, for instance) and some people live more of a floating life, more ready or able to move on the winds of chance or whim (like a lifelong childless single person)... and while i am much more the latter than the former, i am also quite settled in the sense that i maintain connections with anyone who wishes to stay connected, continue to be supportinve in many ways, and more than any other way, am very settled in words...

the concept of what being settled means brings me to ponder...

it seems to me that sometimes there is a direct association between settled and reliable in human conversations and minds... for the last ten years, here on the web, i've continued an almost daily routing of writing to you and to whomever cares, to my potential romantic partner, to potential true friends, to anyone who cares to read and know me... i maintain contact right here and certainly leave little mystery in how to find me, how to literally look me up and knock on my door... so on this level, i am much more available and settled in a routine of daily sharing than even the most physically settled among us...

so a bit of thereal a little deeper than the usual surface report of life as i live it, just to keep us on our toes and in case you might want to know and do not have time to read through all the babbling in RealTime™ and behind the candoor...

so maybe settled is not as obvious as it appears and i usually see it as the difference between being obligated to remain in a single physical place (or at least have challenges to moving to another place) as settled and being settled within one's self... i've known people who are very much in a settled daily routine in the same town in the same house for life, but still they are rather flighty in their interactions...

in the end, for me, settled is just be a state of mind and in spite of my apparent freedom in this physical life, i may be more settled than anyone i know... while this body i inhabit may have the apparent ease to roam, i am just sitting here waiting for the partner to share words, the space, and the journey :)

me and the phone

if you've read me for a while, you know my aversion to the telephone has some deep roots, but more and more lately i forget why i use to cringe when the phone rang and why i would feel the end of the world was a moment away when i pressed the buttons to dial a number... ok, so maybe i don't forget, but i seem to forget after a few minutes of rambling on or listening to someone... and an hour or more might go by before the stiffness in my elbow or flattened ear remind me that i am physically uncomfortable...

is that a good sign?...

well, freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose, but besides the slippery path of irreverence my mind might take most of the time, i was distracted for a moment by pondering naming a new person for the online babbling and that lead to my realizing there are many (or at least a few) new people i ought to name, if i haven't already... which got me to thinking if i should just use initials or go right ahead and use names cuz most of these people were met through meetup where their name is out there on the web with their photo and details in a profile anyway and what sort of privacy violating or danger could there be in mentioning them in a line in my obscure babbling anyway...

still... we'll call her jane... so jane was the one who handed me the note saying call me when you are going for a run, which was appreciated cuz any incentive and motivation is appreciated and she seems like a potential friend and that was a friend action, so yay jane thanks and she just called back and we talked longer than expected which lead me to ponder the phone... she listened to the story of my life and i am wondering if i did that and why i do that (defense mechanism?... want to be known?... testing?... have nothing else to say?... sensing genuine interest?... too much analysis?)...

yeah, so ok, hopefully the story of my sordid childhood and hopelessly hopeful romantic crashes (but it did all start with her mentioning wanting a food processor, really it did) did not end the conversations or friendship before it starts... cuz there's always hope, ya know?...

and now, to the gym... though i really ought to shower first cuz i stink... so shower and then the gym?... don't be allowing too much distraction get in the way or we won't get there... yes, we know... we are not dumb, just lazy sometimes... and amused, we are amused most of the time... meanwhile, though i still prefer face to face talks and sharing, i'm not hating the phone as much as i used to, which is a good sign....

hope you are making your day fun :)

day after day

alone as i've always been, again, as it's always been, naturally :)

for the fool on the hill, click here

something more recent, in case you want to know... or click something there ------>

and you could listen to music while you read and get to know what i will be listening to in 2013 (nyuk nyuk) and tell me what you think if you love music as i do... cuz truth is, it's all as superficial as we wanna be... but if you are intent on reading an old entry (and are not just a spambot), here ya go :)

some days i wake up lonelier than others... usually it is an external influence, a modern-times frustration that wakes me before i intended to wake that sets off the lonelies cuz, after all, frustration appreciates commiseration and i've not have a commiserator in my physical world for many years... sigh (blink blink :}

it does not help when, just when i think i might be changing my habits toward the wise-healthier side of the tracks, i eat two extra mini-rib sandwiches with pistachio crisps and spinach dip after midnight and then fall asleep... ahem, see, if someone was here laughing with me, it would be so much less lonely :}

so this morning a collection agency calls and before i was able to get their name and number and the name of the person calling, they hang up on me... all i got out of it was att sent a bill to their collection agency that morning... yes, att again... inside i am more like

FUCKING ATT AGAIN!
only a much bigger font... well, i was awake... remembering how they destroyed my website and all the work i ut into it and the years of writing i did didn't help, but that's another story... so i called the 611 service number and within a few minutes i was speaking to nancy, a manager... the csr must have heard the hostility in my voice when i said you either get me a manager who can convince me not to cancel all my att accounts right now or just cancel them all... wanna hear irony?... i did not have to give my telephone number, name, or anything except my last four of my social to the manager to be taken care of... all the hoops they make us jump through entering our number, verifying our number, verifying our address and so on is just to keep us busy while we are waiting for them to either have a free csr or for your account to come up on their screen... or maybe it's just a test of obedience to get a feel for a customer's mood... well, they heard my mood loud and clear and knew exactly who i was without my saying a word or pressing a button of identification... the phone company has caller id, who'da thunk it...

i am now waiting for a call back because the manager at the wireless department could not get a csr or manager at the land line department on the line and the wireless department manager could find no past due amount on my account to explain the collection call... in fact, she found there was a credit of some $58 on some other account just floating around their system as if they could care less that they have my $58 while they still bill me and she quickly mentioned that she was transferring that credit over to my current account... seems that should be bordering on illegal, but when she gave me a placate the customer credit of a full month off my $80 service for the next bill on top of the $58 credit she "found" in her computer system, i decided not to cancel... after all, next month is practically free...

still, the past due amount in collections could not be resolved because she could find no amount in their system because att wireless computers and managers cannot access any other att service (like the land line i disconnected in august because i moved here where att does not service... did i mention that an att or bellsouth csr told me they do service this address and that was the clincher for signing the lease?)... so the att wireless csr manager said she will continue trying to call the landline and internet customer service managers (two different incompatible departments, apparently) to see if she can help me resolve this without my filing a complaint of harassment against att and their collection agency who hung up on me and also contacting credit bureaus to find out if this att collections crap is on my credit report...

now i've been on the phone every month for the past few months with all three departments (and all three of their separate billing departments, which makes six different people to wait in a queue for and repeat the att mess for and wait while they research during each call)... i won't mention the att worldnet or yahoo sbc or prodigy or mci or any other dysfunctional att departments that were once companies i still have accounts with in this particular rant)... i've paid every bill they've found for me (which is probably why there was some credit floating around in their system)... and suddenly, this morning, xmas week, att sent a past due bill on an account they can not identify without consultation and further research to a collection agency that woke me and then hung up on me when i questioned who owned their collection company and who at att signs the service contract for their services so i can speak to them about the consistent errors due to the dysfunctional business organization at att...

nancy, who was quiet patient with me, assured me that due to the volume of feedback att has received on the matter, they are working toward combining all services and departments under one csr department so a customer can call and speak to one person about all of the att services, including the myriad of companies att has swallowed up over the years... of course she said that takes time to trains people and set of an infrastructure when i told her i've heard that tune for a couple of years now...

anyway, tossing about $140 into my pocket did placate me for the moment... se shall see if the next call is telling me i owe even more than that amount, which is common practice for the bait and switch multiple csr systems at these huge companies... and by the way, i am awake...

i'll nap today, for sure... in between taking calls from precious who left ohio at 6am (my first wake up call... she called again at about 9am and will call every couple of hours cuz that's the deal we made so i can feel all sorts of reassured that she';s not laying in some ditch somewhere (hey, what can i say, it's been a dramatic morning :)

at least i took the day off... att would have really set me off if they were interrupting a work day with their horrible business... now, to see about the nap and then enjoy a beautiful afternoon... i hope your day starts out better and continues to be wonderful :)

i love to shop

i remembered that today in my second hour of wandering around sam's club... i have the consumer gene, alas, and enjoy wandering the isles, reading packages, and making decisions about what to put in my basket... i did not wake up expecting to spend a lot of money today... in fact, if the gym had not been packed when i got there, i might not have gone to sam's club at all and instead, settled for some few items at the local supermarket... but sam's club is consumer heaven (or hell, depending on perspective)...

i filled up the freezer and the fridge and the pantry closet... i now have food to cook, to heat up, to play with (what?... you don't play with your food?)... i did not buy dessert, unless you call dried fruits and nuts desserts (i do)... i passed up all the decadent stuff... i have canned veggies (cuz i am still not moved into the kitchen/fridge fresh food habit yet... a decade-long habit is not changing overnight until i want it to... so i have asaparagus (hole stalk) and peas (le sueur baby) and mushrooms (i did buy fresh portabella mushrooms and cooked up a whole cap tonight with dinner)... and i have soups and nuts and cereals and more... and then, i aided and abetted in cowacide and chickacide, that is, i bought meat... i'll hang my head in shame another time, for now the freezer is full of protein... i also bought some less health things like spinach dip and red bell sun dried tomato dip and lobster bisque and heat-n-eat rib sandwiches (from tony roma) and pistachio crackers and odds and ends... and chocolate for the party on wednesday... and another 4' table and more stuff...

i should go to the gym again tonight as penance or something... but it was so much fun... and all the stuff got put away... now to just get motivated to put the rest of the stuff i moved in with away... away is the key word... see, none of the stuff actually has a place to be put yet and i've not been in the mood to sort and assign and organize... i used to love to do that, but the luster wore off that task somewhere along the way... waiting for someone to share, aye?... sheesh, i've got a one track mind...

so anyway, that was sunday... i miss tv a little cuz the background noise of sports used to keep me company (and i do love the statistics) and i looked at a $30 box that supposedly got hd local stations without cable, but i still have to research whether i need that cuz i think i can watch most tv on a computer if i get the right computer (with a tv tuner card)... did i mention i cooked?...

yes, i broiled a rib-eye and seared the mushroom cap and sauteed asaparagus and peas and yummed it all down with a lot of water (see?... no excess sugar or caffeine and my head isn't pounding anymore... yay)... and i even cleaned up and the kitchen is almost ready for actual counter preparation and full scale cooking... when i make lasagna, salad, and fresh veggies i'll officially consider my living like a refugee days near an end... the extra 4' table i bought today is to make up for counter space when i finally cross back into making myself a home... exciting, aye?...

and now, that was sunday... how was yours? :)

waking well

a few hours ago i woke and stretched and feel great, a little stiff, but a good muscle rebuilding feeling... i am ready for the gym again and just may go later... there's a free concert downtown tonight and i do need to pick up some food as i am down to soups and starches (the easy to store foods) and the body is asking for protein... so i much a few nuts, but i ponder animal flesh... do i really want animal flesh?... i could easily go either way these days, but left to my own devices i will most likely go both ways... there's also the expected pangs of loneliness that erupt when i wake the body and the tug of war over ups and downs has begun as well... i look at the phone and wonder, what's the point... maybe the concert tonight is a good idea...

the apartment still needs work... more stuff to stash in closets or trash... most of all, some decision about furniture ought to come down from the brain one of these days... i miss tv simply for the distraction it provides, but not enough to ponder getting one hooked up... the gym has two, just no comfortable place to sit... maybe i ought to turn on music... all in all though, much progress has been made on every level this weekend, so yay and i hope you enjoyed your weekend too :)

gym, take two

ok, the foolish fears and poor-me crap failed once again (and the chamber wasn't loaded, yeah, thereal remains) and another 40 minutes, this time 3.15 miles (3 miles in just under 38 minutes, first 2 miles in under 24 minutes, all working on the total body program which is more severe than the free program i did earlier today... cutting minutes off means i am still holding back, but still have a long way to go and do not want to hurt or kill myself cuz that would defeat the purpose of the gym, aye?)...

this is when i feel most physically alone, when i take the steps to wake the body and there's nobody to talk to about it, nobody to cheer or critique or acknowledge or whatever... if i let the lonelies stop me, though, i am only hurting myself (oh, ya think?... yeah, i deserve the bites, and they have yet to actually begin... just wait to the gym crew wakes up and sees i didn't actually die)...

so who cares?... i mean around here in thereal... in the moment... obvious answer... so why ask?... to prove a point?... cuz there's always hope?... the latter, i hope :)

how many times have i written this next line? (many)... maybe this is the turn around ... la la la... enjoy life more right now :)

the gym

yes, i made it back down there, finally, after months away (i did get down there in september a handful of times and maybe october cuz i was using it for internet too and checked out the machines)... i've been utterly ridiculous in my lack of serious exercise (softball 4-5x a week is still not serious exercise, there, i said it)... and i called the nice person who kinda dared me to get back to running, though she was out or busy... thanks anyway :)

40 minutes on the elliptical, just over 3 miles, the first mile in 11 minutes at level 5 and the rest fluctuating between level 10 and 2, so the deterioration is obvious... and now, i am feeling the sugar and caffeine withdrawals and that is not a great feeling, but it's about time i simply stopped for a while cuz it's been a while since i simply stopped... long enough for this withdrawal to be a pain... and my impatience used to simply raise the stakes (as in increasing the intensity of the exercise which would accelerate the process and temporarily increase the pain, but will that be a health risk now (age plays a factor, or so all the books say)...

there's that feeling alone and what if i pass out or have a heart attack or stroke and die or become a vegetable just cuz nobody was around in the first few minutes cuz i am all alone in the world woe-is-me and so on song playing again)...

time to go to the gym again?...

hope i return :)

loving this rest

as lonely as life can be, i love the privacy and freedom of living alone... and as futile as it is to think it'll get less lonely if i stay home (which is why i've been as busy with social life as i've been in 2008... the calendar has most, if you wanna see), this self-time feels so good...

but it's more than self-time, it is the attitude i bring to it and the perspective i maintain during it and what i do with the time... the rest is first on the list of things this body needed and this is the first time i am actually giving the body extended rest (letting the body call the shots) in years... and then, there's the positivity, the focus on what is feeling good and can be done, instead of focusing on the pains and bloat and buddha belly and stuff that can bring me down... all that fades into meaninglessness when the perspective is right because the actions diminish the negatives... what feels best is doing what i want to do because i want to do it, not because i think i need to do it...

so since getting off work on wednesday, i've been just sitting around relaxing (occasionally answering the on-call phone for work) and unpacking (moving in is a very slow process for me, mostly cuz i've got boxes full of stuff and no place/furniture to put it in/on) and a bit of laundry/cleaning... part of the freedom is not needing to wear clothing... the nudist in me has been closeted for so many years, i've almost forgotten how much i do not like clothes instinctively, no less the concept, history, and thought processes clothes represent...

ah, such a radical... meanwhile, i may just head out somewhere today for a little while... exercise is calling louder... and maybe a movie tonight... i hope your day is wonderful too :)

yo-yo

back up again... the four hour cycle is so consistent once i allow the body sleep instinct to control itself... the phone rang a few, people wondering what i am doing for new years eve... and a web request that needs time for a return call... maybe i will not sit home resting this year (which is what i do from time to time) since i am doing that me time the week before this year... a group went to see yes man tonight at the imax, but i chose sleep instead... the body appreciates me listening... the mind (and ethereal me) appreciates this me time... even if it seems a little selfish...

next step is to get the mouth (as in taste buds) under control... being a foodaholic is not wise at this stage of life, or at any stage, i suppose, though i could burn off the binges a whole lot faster and easier in my teens and even my twenties...

all by myself, alas... as always, so far, at least, in this life...

the space is much clearer now and it looks big... the entry, dining, living room area is one big space about 30' by almost 14' with a 10' by 10' kitchen open to the entry/dining area, so sitting out here the space feels big when it's relatively empty... the whole apartment is just under 900 square feet, probably including the walk-in closet, walk-in laundry room, and pantry... i think the ceilings are 9', though they seem higher... all in all, the space is great, even better as i start actually moving in and making more of the space useful for something other than storage... furniture?... maybe next year :)

obviously i could have gotten away with saving a couple of thousand dollars in a smaller place this year, but who knew i was going to be loaning/giving my furniture money to others... i can say no, i just seldom do when i have... haves should not hoard, i say... though have-nots do need to learn to get and sustain their own too... where is my wise life partner again?... oh yeah, haven't found her... or him, if we're talking partnering for $ and business... and alas, i sense the loneliness wanting to bubble up to the surface... natural, as it must be felt before i can actually share all of me again (and i considering sharing all of me again?)...

why else unpack and clean up the space and take me time, aye? :)

the peanut gallery and ego think they are so clever... silly gits, little do they know they are only kids playing in the schoolyard while i nap through life... thereal me (blending the ethereal me and the physical me to reach for all of me) may wake up next year... or not, but maybe is better than no mention at all :)

so whatcha been up to since four hours ago? :)

unpacking and rearranging

and laundry... that's what today has been so far and tonight the choice is between continue, sleep, or a few activities (bowling, dinner, movie, piano bar)... i think sleep is winning as the inner clock is running this weekend (time for me is so yay)...

a lot of the stuff i have is stuff i'd probably put in a closet or garage if i had such space, and most of the other stuff needs shelving and cabinets or something to be put into, so there's a lot of re-arranging and some unpacking...

time to curl up and nap now . . . hope your day is going well too :)

waking again

wonder if i will actually know when i am awake again (self-mockery is a good sign)... i almost forgot how much i adore the feeling of waking after finally getting enough sleep... i'm not quite there yet, but i feel myself getting closer... and of course movement, as in vigorous aerobic exercise, as in running, is part of the equation... this weekend, i feel it coming (shhhh, don't let me jinx me with predictions... especially in the absence of daily encouragement)...

i think i am going to do more around this apartment today... i hope your day is going well and you've given yourself what you want for xmas and chunukah and kwanza and boxing day and all the other reasons to celebrate and give gifts...

the time to share

it is a choice, to share or to not share, to watch or to participate, to care inside or to care outside, to love or to let others know you love... caring is a verb, for me, an action... doing something to show someone i care is what life is about...

the opportunities are everywhere and yet, there is still a longing for a daily partner in this caring game (let not the word game diminish the seriousness of the fun of caring in your mind)... this is why i am writing daily now, taking the few moments to let you know about me every day, or more often...

i rested today, mostly slept, but also unpacked more boxes, cleared and cleaned more space, and moved in just a little bit more... it may well be that i resist moving in because i know i can be very comfortable living alone and i do not want to be too comfortable living alone when someone who can and wants to care all the time comes along...

i finally gave in and drank a bit of caffeine cuz cold turkey is not good for the head and i ate a little soup... but i do sense the change... all i need is time to myself and/or someone who cares to inspire me... maybe it is time to stop waiting and take the time for myself...

if you are out there, and you get this, cheers :)

perhaps a hiccup

i did sleep from whenever the entry before the last one was uploaded until just before the last entry and i napped another half hour sitting here and still will sleep more, though i have a caffeine withdrawal sugar hangover headache at the moment that woke me... time to cleanse?... i have five days to do it (and longer if i just muddle through the two days i work next week)...

i am always looking for reasons and rhymes... why should i is not a helpful question for me as long as i am looking outside of myself for an answer... i ought to be amazed that i have let the bloat go on for so long... and the apathy... ambivalence... casual suicide... being human... and the american way...

hmmmmm, time for a resurrection?...

kind of obscure for thereal...

more later...

firefox troubles

not sure what is going on, but i came here to say i just woke and such and such and firefox (or blogger) somehow uploaded a whole slew of duplicate blank entries... sort it out and delete them later...

going back to bed now :)

i have no idea

why i am still awake, that is... yes, i am still awake... rambling on behind the candoor and in RealTime™ for hours on end after spending hours on the phone after pigging out after telling myself i must get sleep and rest and eat better and as soon as i get that rest, get back to running and call the girl who asked me to call next time i run… then i can find out why she asked, after all…

sometimes i am deliberately denser than a lead wall, i think…

but the brain loves the release :)

and the excitement continues to...

build?... oh, such fun it is to ride and slay me, and as predicted, i am home early and the very act of leaving work early and having five days off (not counting the on-call status that could make life miserable with work at a moment's notice, but we won't think about that, ok?) in a row has me bouncing off the walls in spite of feeling like a recently stuff shrunken head (maybe we bounce better than the big empty heads, aye?)...

yes, so home and nothing to do for days (notice there are no plans on the calendar?... that's right, i intend to sleep... that's what santa is bringing me this year, and he promised, sleep sleep sleep... i'm gonna fall alseep sooner or later after this wired-to-the-rafters feeling wears off (and i only had one cup of tea the remove the zombie curse at 8am) and i will pass out and not acknowledge the existence of the world outside of my head until i wake up due to natural causes...

at least that's the plan... and i'm so excited i can hardly sit still... go figure (i am so easily self-amused... how could i not love me?)... i hope you find wonders and excitements in your own way (and mind) and thank you for the phone calls and text messages - you are really out there caring... i mean, i know, but it is so sweet to find the words on the screen or in my pocket :)

celebrate you! :)

a foggy day inside my head

yes, much fog, patly coudy, and blurriness through the day, followed by nonsense in the evening because i will probably be wired on caffeine again just to make it through the day... gonna take a pill now, blue or red, they all go the same place... just passing through...

make today more fun :)

ridiculouso

a virtuoso at the ridiculous, no doubt, but we'll leave it for jk to explain someday and just remark about the fact that i am still awake, foolishly grinning while alternating between sniffling and gagging... a half dozen or so bits of fluff and blood were blown and splattered about the net tonight while i really should have been sleeping... still, the write, the babbler, the peanut gallery, the heart, everything but the body feels wonderful...

sometimes, that's life :)

make yourself feel wonderful tonight too :)

it doesn't matter what you say

i'm gonna babble anyway, ho ho ho (wait a minute, this isn't the babbler's place nor is it the party place, this is thereal {ok, so i'm thereally happy at the moment} so what's up in the briefness of thereal?)... well, i'm gonna love you anyway anyway, so there...

wow, almost got hijacked by the babbler, aye?... so, just getting home, some food in the oven, slept long (and not enough... imagine waking after eleven hours or so feeling like another eleven, or at least some, would be sweet) and tonight, the plan is to nod off at will right here even if the babbler is disquieted (it's a curve ball words, shhhh, the brain is processing it)...

while the brain is occupied, there's not much to tell about thereal today... work was the usual, i picked up on some side projects, got some more end-of-year work done, worked on next year's databases and spreadsheets, put out a couple of fires, and danced with the devil in the pale moon light... no wait, the devil took the holiday week off, so it must have been someone else...

and then, here we are... food (some kashi rice pilaf with some thai peanut sauce and maybe a spinach calzone... multi-ethinicity is a balanced diet) and then, nonchalantly nod off into la la land while the fingers tap almost aimlessly on the keyboard...

maybe tomorrow i'll make a (drumroll...) phone call (remember freshman english?... my assignment is to call before i go for a run (someone reading my mind?)... well, what do you think? :)

still breathing

slept at least eleven hours, waking a few times for moments to roll over or find the bathroom... feeling better, but still could sleep another eleven hours, easy... still, the day begins and i'm out-a-here...

enjoy your day :)

come the evening

what is up with people filling their whole mornings and afternoons with work work work for other people's goals and for other people's dreams, all the while pretending it is the right thing to do to put off their own goals and dreams for some time after decades of doing what others tell them to do all their mornings and afternoons...

come the evening, is there time for anything but rest?...

now that i am enthralled in this day time work life most days i find a way to tap into a deeper energy most evenings, hoping to find someone going my way, thinking and feeling as i think and feel, understanding and perhaps even seeing things from my perspective... and sharing the deeper walk, the more meaningful time, the more selfish activities that fulfill personal desires and dreams and goals...

but tonight, i shall rest... i hope to sleep the long double digit sleep... for as led zeppelin somehow blends into jackson browne (the phone rings... tic. tic. tic... back again... it was adam calling from the LIRR heading toward the islip airport to catch a flight back to orlando cuz school is out and he'll be in for a few days... good keeping in touch, adam)...

where was i?... ah yes, the music shifts and i'm sipping on my orange pineapple juice, feeling alright and of course, rambling on, heading toward running on empty, i kick back and wait for the sweet slumber to envelope me in the midst of tapping the keys... and you, i thank you for doing your think, for taking vcare of yourself, and for keeping in touch... do what feels right tonight, for that's the gift you deserve...

nite nite :)

not another morning already?

well, i so did not need to hot pockets at 3am last night, fool i be... and of course the nighttime cold/flu/cough medicine still wants sleep, not to mention the rest of me... but here i am, awake and heading out to another morning meeting and another day at the office... pity the fool i be, even as i smirk at the irony and stuff... and there was all that incentive to run and not bloat too...

make today a great today anyway, aye? (cuz it's more fun this way :)

pushing the envelope

and i am in it, nyuk, nyuk, splat... ah, these i am, here, even, all these hours after the previous entry, still awake, still, blurry and foggy and sniffly and all that, but now wired and bouncing around inside... playful interaction (and relating, actual relating, i think)...

yes, a good night of games and fun, stimulation and play, and language, people actual spoke with vocabulary words i have not heard in years... but themost exciting thing of all may be this little torn piece of paper that says call + tell me you're going for a run... now that isn't quite falling in love of magic moment material, but it is definitely something close to home (though a bit over thirty minutes away, actually, dang space and time always getting in the way)...

so six of us played, then five, then four and here i am, happy and feeling the connections with people growing another little bit slightly deeper once again... still so sensitive after all these years, yay :)

three hours sleep?... still crazy too... crash tomorrow night, please :}

hello out there... love life and you and it'll love you back... it's true, even if you don't believe it, even if you don't see it happening directly... meanwhile, the envelope is alright :)

ka-plowie

as in wowie, zowie, kaplowie, i nodded off... an hour nap was far from enough and might have been counter-productive, but maybe not... so now i hustle into the shower and out the door to the mini-party for fun and games...

are you having fun yet? :)

softball sniffles

while the nose would not stop running all through the morning, i was able to have a decent workout at softball and did all i was supposed to do and more... they tried out three new players, but the two main coaches didn't show up (i spoke to the coach a half hour before practice and he didn't say anything, but work got to the assistant coach that they had an emergency and wouldn't be able to make it)... the practice was very light for most, though i chose not to take a break and played first when the new guy tries to pitch (i remember him from the past two seasons... he just learned softball and he walked so many batters that his team wouldn't let him pitch any more so he quit the team)... of the regulars, unfortunately the same guys who don't hustle weren't hustling...

the new people were ok, one would fit in well (she plays on our work team and plays second better than our current second baseman... that makes four people from work playing on this team now), i'm not sure where the other two would play as they only bring a bat to the team, no experience or fielding)... where we need improvement most is in the field... anyway, we'll see how the coaches work it out when they get to the next practice)...

and i stopped for some groceries on the way home, looking for several items at target and they didn't have any of them (red grapefruit juice, 100% cranberry juice, mocha protein drink, eggplant parm, and a few others) so i settled for calzone crap and dole orange pineapple banana juice... target is losing me even though it's right across the street...

and now, eat, shower, and while waiting for rasputin to come by and pick up his washer dryer, clean the place a bit... and then a small party at a new friends place... that's the saturday sunday, yeah, it's sunday so far, hope you are enjoying yours :)

awake again (barely)

actually feeling much better this morning, but probably just cuz the drugs mask the symptoms, which is why i do not like drugs, but then, four hours sleep is good too, and good sleep, drugged and all... and now, time for softball... slow motion, i suppose, unless the body wakes up once i am out there... definitely feeling buzzed... tired... so is this supposed to be fun?...

if only everybody enjoyed everything the way i do, this would would be a much sillier (and happier) place... take care of yourself and have fun out there :)

and then the plan changed again

so i was thinking that i would come home when the party ended, which was to be around 10pm, and do some laundry and get to bed and sleep so i could let the body do some cold germ fighting so i would be refreshed for tomorrow which starts with softball at 8:30am and concludes with a party of sorts starting at 7pm about 45 minutes away so even if it ended early i get to sleep later and start another work week tired and run down and so on and then...

a few people were gathering to talk after the party at a house on the other side of town and the people were interesting so i went and here i am just getting home and the nose is running so fast and creating such an irritating caugh that i decided to get some cough medicine pm for the first time in many years and hopefully it'll put me to sleep real soon so i can get four or so hours of sleep before i wake to shower and head to softball...

laundry?... i may be buying more new clothes and such tomorrow as there just won't be time... insane?... seriously... and hopefully i will keep nothing on the calendar monday and tuesday so i can come home and sleep deep and long, even if that means taking the drugs i usually so naturally avoid... ignoring the body much longer will not be a wise decision... and yet, the social me wants more interaction and it is the season for social interaction... so maybe i should be asking which parts of me does not want it?...

sleep... nite nite... meep.

roll the coaster

wow, i just read some profound words i wrote back in october and november and (that will probably end up on the web someday, as all introspective, open-ended, unresponded to personal words do) and the depths of the mood wants to carry me away along some seldom traveled paths... on the other hand, i have a party to go to in three hours and must shower (etc) and shop a bit for it...

and another mood-altering experience, sleep, happened too... while i was awakened every few hours cuz i insisted precious call me from the road (she is driving up to ohio by herself for the very first time), the sleep still felt great... and when i finally woke (as opposed to mini-talks during sleep), i checked the phone bill and ouch, $313 cuz of the additional line for raspy and overages, but i called att and we worked out retroactive upgrades and next month won't be as high...

and now, shower and out to a party... still tired, but feeling a bit better and tonight shouldn't be late and the rest of the weekend should be rest (except for softball practice tomorrow) and hopefully i'll be all healthy and perfect again any day now...

ummmm, yeah, lam... you have fun too :)

a choice of habit

doing this, checking in on the web for a few minutes a few times a day, and/or typing a few words day or a few times each day, is a choice and a habit, a choice that becomes a habit... and the choice can be selfish, an egocentric hunger to share beyond the daily routine or an emotional hunger to connect and be some part of the lives of others who are far away... or the choice can be out of boredome or altruism or any number of reasons... in the end, is is a choice and if wanted enough, the choice becomes a daily habit... a few minutes upon waking or before sleeping or whenever during the day... a few minutes of typing words into a box on a computer and clicking send, upload, publish, or whatever...

i choose this habit... and there have been times in this life when i chose it before, though previous times were different than this time... previously, there was a veil of playful insecurity disguised as creativity and babble that kept some distance between thereal daily life and the words written... perhaps i told myself that it was too egocentric to record the actual daily experiences on the public web... perhaps i was afraid that nobody would pay any attention and it would look foolish to write mundane details if nobody ever commented... whatever, the reasons for the previous incarnations of a daily daily life entry appear gone and here we are...

whether you are checking in daily or occasionally or not at all... whether these words are for me alone or for posterity or for the one or for friends who might have been or who might still be, the words are here... a choice of habit to take a few moments every day or even every few hours to type a few words into this box and share the details of life as i live it...

precious woke me to let me know she was getting on the highway to start her long drive up to ohio... because this is a long drive all by herself, the first time she's driving out of state by herself, i insisted she call every few hours... the nasal drip and ensuing cough seems to be getting worse, not better... dang... so much for getting the full long deep catch up sleep, aye :}

sleep now, perhance to...

generous to a fault?

this is probably not the first time the questions, thought, cliche, parable, concept, whatever has come to mind or flowed into words, in fact, it may be a parody to even begin to explore it, but how now brown cow and jig rig the pig's wig, for whatever that might mean in elf... and so it is xmas?...

yeah, so i'm not giving it all away, as a once popular song suggested, but once again i am taking the fundages i might spend on me and giving it to those who have less at this end of year solstice thing... precious is going to ohio, driving herself (which is a scary thought, but she's a big girl now, right?)... she's supposed to be paying me back in january... and minnie is gonna get her holiday spending spree for herself and family too (which is where i'm going in a few instead of falling over and sleeping early tonight)... so in the end, it's no sacrifice at all... what what would have bought me a nice new laptop shall become gifts for my adopted kids again... and i might as well face it, as long as i am alone in this world, this feels better than spending it on me...

and it's all about me, right? (what?... you expected this to make sense?)...

meanwhile, work was interrupted for the third (or was it fourth) day in a row of investigations cuz the kids seem to be on a spree of accusations and while none had any foundation, the process is still the same time consuming one as it would be if there was a serious case of abuse or neglect... it's just the outcome and follow up workload that would be different...

so in other words, none of the regular work got done and the clock tics closer to the deadlines and most of the reports and plans will be late for this year... and nobody will care unless we get caught, sadly enough, so welcome to corporate america where ever corner that can be cut is cut and some that should never be cut are cut and the rest are trimmed way down to the bone, marrow, even, all in the name of profit margin...

meanwhile, home again, home again, ding-a-ling ding... pepperoni pizza and gourmet cookie dough and cherry coke (with cherry ice for ice) for dinner... hot dam i know how to party, aye?...

make your night fun too :)

one more another day

and a fine and dandy good morning to all of you (and me too), though still sleep deprived i feel and the nose and head remains clogged (allergy, head cold, or fatigue-induced, we may never know... thogh it is much more challenging to wake reborn this way, chuckle... wow, i haven't chuckled in years, aye?)...

still, it (yes it, life, the universe, everything, 42, 58, 69, 98, 99, and all the rest) turns me on... i hope you make today wonderful :)

wow, everybody must be busy

while is super great, unless i am reading the silence in my email and comments and notes and such on all my multitude of email addresses and web pages and so one and so forth (and scooby doo and rooty too and all the rest too) and some of you are out there sinking into lonely solitude or holiday blues or a psychotic break or worse, manic xmas shopping/wrapping/business without feeling more than the price tags and seasonal expectations (or expectpatrons, for that matter)...

seldom does a day go by without some contact through the internet (and i don't mean the usual few dozen emails from meetup.com or the other sign-up stuff that comes to my gmail or the thousands of spam emails that go tovarious addresses i seldom check anymore... i mean personal contact from someone i actually know beyond a passing hello and in most cases, at least on the phone)...

today was such a rare day... so i hope life is full of wonder and excitement and pleasure and enjoyment and meaningfulness and stuff that feels good, or at least productive at least... and if not, i will share with you two facts you can accept or reject, but they remain facts nonetheless... first, mr. soul may have been the first rap song, or at least deep in the roots... and second, but far from less important to me, i love you... and you are thought about and cared about and loved all through my life in thereal...

i may only be here a few moments a day, but you are loved all the time...

and wherever you are, whatever you are doing...

may you feel the same way about you :)

cuz kit is what it's all about

waking more refreshed than in previous days, though another four hours of sleep (at least) would be good... sucking on menthol cough drops and taking vitamins might have helped... and i caved in and took 600mg of ibuprophen, which probably helped too... sleeping in the big green chair appears to have helped, so maybe the mattress on the floor is not good on this carpet... still, i think it is mostly sleep deprivation... tonight is softball though, so i probably will be home late... last game of the regular season (playoffs are in january), so a bit of post game celebration may be happening...

so good morning, how was your night?...

and relating to the title theme and all, i'm doing my part, the sending, the recording, the writing to you... all you've got to do is your part, the receiving, reading, responding... then i respond and you respond and i respond and you and yup, that's how it's done...

the intensity, the connectivity, frequency, the depth, and lots of other factors determine the relationship relative to time as kit can happen once in a while, every decade or so, every moment or so, or over any durations... very often, consistency determines value, though not in every case as memories can remain strong or even grow stronger through imagination and desire over time... but illusionary relationships that are not reciprocated are not satisfying or wise (and can be dangerous with humans), so i put them in perspective in my mind (even as i nurture them in my rhymes)...

all this to say i am here and these words are doing it, kit, the flowology of kit, the matter of kit, the fact of kit, the action of kit, here it is... mostly, kit is habit, a habit of caring and sharing...

take care of you and kit :)

sleep patterns

ok, so i slept for a few hours and woke... it may have been the phone... or a nasal drip that coughed me awake... great... just when the body (and brain?) needs sleep... guess i should return the call...

ok, so i'm invited... i'm not sure exactly to what, a small gathering at someone's house (not sure if it's a party)... two girls i met last sunday night at the play at hollywood studios... the friend (the one who played guitar at the xmas carol sing-a-long last sunday... when my brain is awake i'll figure out if i named him or what... or even if i should keep using pseudonyms to protect privacy... guess it is the polite default) invited his friend and she invited her friend and she and her invited me and him and maybe others, we shall see... we talked about games, as in board games, so maybe we'll be playing some... i'll find out more when i am awake... is this paragraph making any sense?... it seems to be taking forever to write...

are we amused?... well, for better or worse, mostly cuz i wanna be, i am, mostly, most of the time... probably why i am alone, aye?... something about humans that requires some level of neediness beyond my grasp that bonds them in some sort of subconscious thing, i guess... i sit on the outside looking in... or then again, i am on the inside looking out... either way, i am apart.. but then, everybody is apart, i think, they just pretend not to be better than i do... i was never very good at pretending my feelings...

heavy, huh?... or am i mocking myself?... both, probably... we can figure it out if you'd like, just come on over and wake me, but first, i'd like to get some serious sleep... so if you want to help (and have the right energy pattern), then wrap yourself around me and i will sleep in your cocoon and when i wake, besides thanking you, we'll figure out whatever it is we want to figure out...

reality speaks (what?... can't we go to bed now?... hush, reality wants to represent, respect) i've yet to meet anyone with the right energy pattern, but a few over the decades have come close... there is always hope, or something like that... who am i talking to anyway?... imaginary readers?... potential friends in the physical world?... gonna run?... gonna hide?... gonna come out?... gonna come inside?... gonna let me in?... show me where you've been?... show me who you are?... now near, how far?... whatever, we are who, we are what, we are where we are... never mind the obvious child... wake me when we get to why...

are you sleeping now? :)

home again, but not really

and gonna stay put for the second night in a row since i fell asleep last night for an hour in this chair and then woke and didn't get back to sleep until about 2am and so, still the catch up on sleep thing has not happened and now there is even more to catch up on...

leftover mushroom lasagna and protein bread is dinner... laundry is spinning areound the rather crappy washing machine (i finally figured out that there are two factors contributing to low suds, the water must be part of it, but the lack of decent agitation in the machine itself is part of it... it makes plent of noise, but doesn't move the clothes around much... one more corner cut in this supposed luxury apartment... i guess address matters more than actual quality in orlando, but then, that's nothing new in this superficial transient wanna-be hollywood-cool town...

wow, grumpiness sure is increasing (which is a sign of loneliness cuz when i am not lonely, sleep-deprivation is ridiculous giddiness and fun... somewhere inside though, i am seriously giddy and having much fun, but that's inside and i've looked around the outside tonight, aye?... logic is such an unavoidable trap for the rational mind... still, i wouldn't trade mine for the alternative)...

another day at work where i ignored the PI and focused on the RM, which is not good since the year-end reports and next years databases and spreadsheets are not gonna write or build themselves... but changing a do-as-little-as-possible system doesn't happen overnight and most of what i do is considered overkill to everyone but the people paying the bills, the people keeping the doors open, the government, the auditors, and corporate... local administration is seriously set in their ways and

if you stopped in tonight, don't feel obligated to respond just cuz i seem grumpy or down or in some form of need, cuz i'm not and it's certainly not a mersy loves company moment cuz the rare moments i go there, i'm mostly lying (and mostly dead)... and now i am mostly laughing cuz i see the consistency of my fervent independent streak has not changed (which is good, cuz consistency that changes mght not be so consistent, ahe?)...

ok, so maybe i'll babble myself to sleep now... make your night wonderful, whatever you do, and remember, there's a happy wonder-filled entry around here somewhere, all you have to do is want to find it... focus on the positive and the negative will get jealous enough to change :)

blurry world

still waking with a foggy head, mucous filled and all, bloat, but more like allergy combined with fatigue than a cold or flu... more tea to wake and dry out and clear head today... more sleep tonight... still did not get the long sleep, five hours last night... but the good news is i still wake :)

ho0pe your day is fun :)

living in thereal

yeah, i'll just keep coming back while the rest of the world ducks out (or dukes it out) elsewhere cuz i don't have time for the long-winded babbling (or even the brief communications) i still love so much, but don't have the time for to repeat myself either...

today i canceled my big monthly meeting and continue my month of semi-goofing off at work, though i am getting the vital daily stuff done... and a lot of it, cuz year end is a lot of work... and coming home, i cooked up some mushroom lasagna and it was delicious with protein bread and a chocolate rice milk shake... and now, i am nodding off... wisdom says go to bed... wisdom will win soon :)

make life fun without me :)

fffffftz

the neurons are barely firing this morning as six hours sleep was not quite enough to fully recharge after days on end of sleep deprivation... there is hope that i will get home tonight and fall over for ten or more hours... bloat does not help at all, but the sleep dep is a large factor in the metabolism shut down... and i feel a bug digging it's roots in deep to boot, further draining the energy... another day of tea for the caffeine is ahead... and naturally, feeling the alone more cuz the fatigue and wonky cranky sick feeling empowers the lonelies...

otherwise, good morning, how are ya, make it a wonderful day (cuz that's the best we can do and i'm gonna no matter what cuz... well... that is what i do... still wanted to send you love and let you know i care this morning, i mean, just in case :)

i know, i'm so :)

amybd

Happy Birthday Amy

whatever

yeah, sucky movies tonight... i mean, really a waste of money and time and on the imax screen (and prices) no less... i refer to the day the earth stood still, one of my favorite old black and white sci-fi stories... nobody got their feet we in this movie (or hair mussed, for that matter)... no character development at all... the worst acting i've seen in many many years (a worse job of filmmaking, all around, i do not remember at the moment... thankfully)... the story was missing, as were the characters, script, and meaning of life... no suspence, no tension, a rush to the finish (and a really watery finish at that)... looked very cheaply made, overall... even the special effects were stolen from other films, sphere, 2001, the mummy, star trek... and i saw a little homage to close encounters, et, and a few other films, but this was really bad film, really really bad film...

and yeah, i've gone without sleep for a while, but even with ten percent of a brain, this was an empty film... bummer... and all alone with my superior attitude too, sheesh... i'll just sing myself to sleep with a little there's a somebody i'm longing to see...

busy fun fun fun fun fun

softball, singing, sofball, theatre, dinner with new people, and a couple of hours sleep... sunday was busier than usual, blink, pzzzzft, narf...

hope your weekend was fun too :)

after a nap

ah, precious just woke me cuz she's coming over to pick up a game for her birthday party tonight (it was the tenth and the concert/dinner last night was part of her present)... and she was pretty much right on time as my alarm was set to wake me at 5 so i can get ready for game night since i'm hosting...

thanks for keeping in touch with the daily life details, this is the closest we can get to actually being a real part of each others daily lives without actually being there... which is the purpose of this blog, after all... after all, this entry took sixty two seconds :)

so here's a minute just for you cuz i care and want to keep in touch and wish you were part of my daily days... and daze, but those take a little longer... and here we are - hope your saturday is fun too :)

finally, weekend

well (and wow, i suppose), cuz there seems to be a drought of words in thereal, and yet, the flood gates burst open in the babbles of the last few days (and hours) and finally, the babble places found words uploaded (you know where to find them if you want to... i mean, if... yeah... alone in thereal, but that's life as i've known it, the real life as i've known it... all the more reason to appreciate the babble readers)...

that's so what i've been doing this morning... and a new music stack... i mean, in the absence of saturday morning cartoons (though i actually gave up on saturday morning cartoons quite a while back cuz they became too violent, too preachy, too full-of-themselves, and too soap-opera dramatic for my tastes, but that may be besides the point as i have no tv, if you recall)...

the softball game scheduled for this morning was canceled at the last minute, which was very odd, but shows the unreliability of many in the meetup world and why i'll stick with organized softball leagues... but the rest of this busy weekend continues (see the calendar for more info about thereal)... so much lost, so much missing, so much wanted, so much (promises and memories) forgotten by others... the is thereal too... ah, at least i have some of the music and that is better than nothing...

i hope you make this a wonderful weekend :)

back to life

just getting back from the fall out boy concert (with the academy is... and we the kings opening)... good concert, though low energy compared to their previous concerts and the crowd was younger and less manic than previous concerts as well... and ruder... some fat sloppy and very entitled girls were pushing their way to the front and then rudely offended that they were pushed back or even touched... precious brought her best friend, caruso (i may have given him another name at another time, but he's the same best friend), along so they could take care of themselves in the mad rush of the crowd, so i adopted this 80 pound kid (she was probably about 4'9", if that tall) who was oddly alone (little ones seldom go to the front all by themselves) and lost in blubbering boobs and rudeness and so created a pocket for her with my arms, which was a good excuse to give myself more room as well and as the fat flabby entitled attitudes were not fun to bounce around with, that worked for all of us who wanted to share the fun and not pretend to be queen dick...

and while my energy level was low, i definitely feel better after the bouncing exercise and music... and the full physical contact helps wake the body up as well...

earlier, work as usual... i got side projects done this week, but not a whole lot of the regular stuff i do... and as long as they won't spend the money on the equipment i need, they'll get less and less from me, but they don't seem to care as long as i get them through the investigations and audits without much scarring... and the rest of the week was very much the same, though busier than previous entries may have suggested... there was a dinner at a thai restaurant across town... the softball game was rained out though... and the concert...

i hope you've enjoyed a great week :)

still sleep more

this has been an interesting week... and as i am still running late and still not awake and still not feeling too great and still have too many things to do and still not sure and still sleep more, i'll catch up another time...

hope your day goes well..

distracted

the real is i am distracted by reading words written eight to ten years ago as i rediscovered the usenet via google and reading myself and other has become one of those "oh, just one more" things as hours trickle by... egocentric foolishness or pathetic loneliness or creative curiosity or psychological torture or amusement, you can choose the name of the game, i'm just playing it (along with a half pound of ultimate chocolate chip lovers toll house cookie dough, yum :)

work is work, and i lost interest in it this month... as much as i enjoy most of what i do, including the challenges of trying to get a very dysfunctional management family to work together when they have a history of rejecting a quality improvement person, probably because they are too insecure, there are too many passive aggressive games being played by mid-level managers who spend much of their time playing "poor-me i'm so overwhelmed and confused" while undermining progress... perhaps i'll find it more interesting after the holidays...

and the bloat remains even as i return to socializing again this week (see calendar for details)... dinner with a couple of dozen at a Thai restaurant tonight... actual eye contact was made for more than five secons, which was quite an interesting experience...

as i am torn between accepting the futility of relating to humans (or finding a human who can/will relate to me as i am) and feeling the hunger to share more with someone outside of my head and again finding empty hands, weak depressed people, and neediness all around, there's a whole lot of fuckem if they can't take a joke in my perspective recently and who knows what next week or month might bring...

but then, maybe, there's always hope (which brings the laughter back :)

part of my mood is not having enough time for introspection and creativity, but then, that's life in the real for all but a small percentage of extremely wealthy people who have no responsibilities for life's bills... but hey, i don't really need sleep, right? (and we pretend to forget the entries of just a day and few ago as we shlip off giggling into the night riding a bloated belly full of sugar chocolate and all the magic that goes along with that suicidal combination... someone save my life tonight, or don't, i'm having fun either way (though i still miss sharing and all that sharing can be, incorrigible romantic fool that i am... nyuk and all)...

i hope you are enjoying your december too, narf :)

sleep more

a trip down the cyber memory lane as i stayed home again to rest... more about the trip and the life tomorrow...

meanwhile, in the real world

as the babbler cheats and presents more words than anyone ever wants to share and in RealTime™ the babbler pushes the brain to exhaustive giddiness on little more than ego energy and habit, here in thereal, the body aches and the brain fizzes and the physical experience sucks tonight (as it did last night) and all i want to do is sleep… whenever i feel like this i resist believing it might actually be a bug/germ/virus or something real and imagine it is likely to be a stupid depressive choice in my subconscious wanting some selfish me-time… proof would be in the blood tests, perhaps, but i won’t go for those again as too many false alarms of late have me turned off on modern medicine because they want thousands of dollars now… so read me elsewhere if you read me at all and here in thereal, i’ll take another nap now as somewhere in my head, wacko sings hello nurse as a lullaby…

nite nite :}

sleepy head

wow, suddenly sleeping sickness and i am crashed out... not feeling like death warmed over or anything, just sleepiness, eyes want to close, body wants stillness, so i took the day off and slept... woke a few hours ago and after sitting here for a bit, want more sleep... loving the silence, the privacy, the stillness...

sleep :)

wow, forgot the entry this time

well, not really... the entry box was opened a little while ago and somehow, maybe it was the enter key or something like that, the entry was submitted without words or title or labels or anything (though that time date stamp is always present, as relatively meaningless as it may be at times)... maybe it was some sort of silent tribute to the poor misguided idiots who kill each other during wars or something... i suppose i should stay away from tributes though, what with my perspective on stuff... if you're not laughing, don't come over...

so?... today, yes today... where did we leave off?... well, ever so weirded out, there was an empty entry box for this blog time stamped about 12:27am today and somehow this other empty box was opened some time this evening and i figured we'll just skip the 12:27am one cuz there was an entry a couple of hours later and maybe the oddest thing was i was not home at 12:27am last night cuz i was out with precious and rasputin and sitting in a denny's overdosing on sugar and caffeine right at that time... puzzles would be more fun with someone else to play with, but i still like them playing in my head, like maybe 2:27am?... but enough, on to this entry)...

i'm not exactly sure what i did the rest of the night, though i remember a bit of napping and something else, and then i went to be about sunrise and woke around noonish to head to the flex (orlando flex, the sunday softball team) meeting where we chose new uniform pants for next season and tournament stuff for january and the coach nominated me and another guy for captains (we'll see if the team votes me in or note in a week or two) and then it was off to the ad-lib softball practice where players from several teams show up randomly at 3pm on sundays... i'll not be able to do that after the sunday league starts up again, but it's good for the next few months...

and then, home and the college football show, via rasputin via telephone since i don't have a tv... the five minute wrap up over the phone was all i needed to know, so i still have no need for tv and am happily getting used to living without it, except sometimes when i want some random audio-visual stimulus, which is probably a lot more often than i consciously think, but i am still enjoying the music and i don't think i'd have the tv on much even if i had cable hooked up... and then dinner, veggie veggie soup and pushcart hot dogs (cooked at home) and some taters... oh yeah, getting healthy now... any day now, really, any day...

and that is today, or this is today, and how are you? :)

mostly for me

just a moment ago, upon returning from another night of spending, bloating, and the same old same old, i asked myself, self... why do you do it?... and the answer came back at me from myself before i could think about it and i heard... i do it for me, mostly... and i wonder if that is selfish... and i do believe it is... and i wonder if that is why i am alone... or is it simply because i am too honest about it and dare to ask and answer... that's me, pondering the corner...

same for coming here and writing consistently... this time, the words, the thinking, the uploading to the internet, is mostly for me... while i would love people to care enough to want to know me and maybe even care about me and while i would love it if i had friends who wanted to read me every day anywhere in the world, near or far, and while i'd love more interaction and i do continue uploading with that hope, for that reason, for the daily sharing i long to remember and share again any way it can be, i continue for me too and these days, alone in space and here, it's mostly for me...

cuz it is my dream after all... to share, i mean... posterity and memory and fantasy and what could be all play a role too... and someday, when someone does come along to care enough to want to be part of daily life sharing the moments, we can look back and see what follies and foibles and fun and stuff i did all these days... for the fun of it... for the learning experience... for the sharing... and for us... and until then, it's mostly for me...

slept late, to three or so, then headed out to pick up precious and drive to meet rasputin and buy dinner and movies and desserts... and precious needs more too, alas, to register for school... and i wonder if this too is why i am alone, cuz who would want to share my giving ways... somebody, i hope, i dream...

i hope your day was fun :)

buddha never had krystals

or white castle, for that matter... anyway, bloated belly aside, or in front, the mail situation gets worse... outlook installed itself as my default email and not only does it have no rules or filters but it has no send/receive command on the menus and no button on the toolbar... really strange buggy software, the ms trademark...

i hope i didn't miss too much mail...

anyway, begone outlook, welcome back outlook express... today, work was interesting... up and down and what goes around actually did go around, but then, not the good, but the crap... let's just say that some people rise above their level of competency from time to time and one such person was returned to earth as roles were reversed and the turkeys went home to roost, or they were the ones doing the carving, or something like that...

and tonight was the beatles cover band, glass onion, who are really pretty good... some pretty special lead guitar work at times and the overall show is fun and of course, they do beatles songs... but amped, turned up, with a heavy rock metal flair... and some clever interludes of other songs from the star spangled banner to the theme from the godfather during the lead guitar solos... but i must say that finding them on the web was disappointing cuz they are much better live than recorded on myspace... not that they are technically perfect or even fantastic, though some moments were outstanding... definitely worth seeing again...

imagine the beatles done with a garage band heavy metal amped up attitude (much more emotion from screams to blues) and yet clearly still recognizable as the beatles, played/sung by musicians approaching (or in) their fat elvis stage of life... great bar band... and definitely fun live if you are into beatles music... maybe it was just the recording or the limits of this old laptop's speakers, but live, yes, see them live before you make any assessment of their show... and make them play eleanor rigby, that's the ticket...

and so yeah, i stopped for krystals on the way home and ka-bloat, instant buddha... which almost immediately lead to instant nap, cuz i'd been awake many hours and it was middle of the night time by the time i got home cuz they are a late night, last set starts at last call kind of bar band...

and how about you, fun? :)

2003 again

that is the ms office software, not a nostalgic reference to time travel through memory or physical space (which is certainly possible, contrary to most modern physics, but humans are very not ready for such awareness just now, ironically, and i remain with the moment for all eternity, yeah)

i mean that is where i was yesterday instead of writing an upodate here... installing office 2003 and downloading the service pack and critical updates and all that stuff that so proves humans are parasites and un-evolved creatures, but that too is another point beyond the moment, so halleluya brothers and sisters and welcome to the third paragraph...

software glitches (no rules?... no filters?... something wrong with the installation, dang ms bs) so all email is messed up, lumped together in a 5,000 piece piled of electronic conversations between strangers so if any of you or anyone i know is in there, oh well, apologies and hope i don't miss anything too important... that's why 407-325-1482 is plastered everywhere and handed out to locals, cuz email is not reliable... softball and the wing house again, not the best path perhaps, but later for more thought on that too...

running late (almost, as time is relative) for work so this is it, brief, hello, i love you, make today wonderful, and catch up with anyone out there reading along after the party tonight... remember, fun as you can :)

good morning, again

yeah, so i stayed up writing and listening to music and did not get to the gym, but amused myself nicely and finally started remembering the emotional catharsis this time of year is supposed to be for me (you'll just have to look around for the details, there's no time or interest in easy-linking at the moment... not that i don't love you just as much as i did yesterday, but heck, if i didn't make time for me to get to the gym, i don't feel too selfish not making your reading life easier for the moment... besides, you like a mystery and the adventure of exploring all the links on the right side of RealTime, right?)...

it is time to shower and head to work, but i did want you to know i am still bound and determined to keep in touch and to let you know when there are more words to share in the written gardens... babbles and rhymes for you to find, explore, peruse, muse over, and enjoy... i'm off to shower, to work, to softball tonight (though i might stop by here as it's a late game) and then, who knows, maybe something magical will happen along the way...

fill today with love (and the best of you :)

waking at 2am

if i knew exactly when i fell asleep, i'd know if i should be tired or not (should i give credibility to such logic?... or should i just feel how i feel and not let the clock rule my life experience?... surely the latter will isolate me from most of humanity, but then, surely the former would kill me faster and how much more isolated can one be than dead?... so, to reassure humans, i nodded off somewhere shortly after uploading the previous entry right here in this here blog, which means about eight hours sleep, so there all you normals... and for the few who actually get me {or who pretend to}, and to the fellow night owls and other nocturnal creatures out there who hang in there when parentheses expand in this manner, come on over, the water is sweet and the air is cool and your seat is waiting)...

no dreams to wake me, though i vaguely recall smiling a few times through the night, which is more like it, which is probably why i am awake and feeling great... and perhaps i'll nap before morning, but for now, i shall wander a bit, babble a bit (and leave a few more pages out there for you to find, or not), perhaps wind up down at the gym (the thought continues to rise to the surface faster each day than it has in many weeks... or is it months?... hey gym partner, where've you been?), and as the mars volta plays, dream of you enjoying the night with me, whatever you are doing, wherever you are...

you are loved :)

blink again, evening

amazing, isn't it?... yeah, i know, the logic escapes us fools blogging away day after day for one or two crumbs a week, but i know you're out there (and i love my delusions and posterity finds me amusing, but that's gonna take a thousand years or a few to be seen, so just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show, even the parts you miss cuz they'll be here, or somewhere, when you finally catch up with the wheels of time)...

it's just too much fun for me to sit down after work, or before, or after softball or parties or game nights or whatever i do the other 95% of the time i am not writing, and babble on a bit as if multitudes of millions are waiting with baited breath for my next literary gem... and if a literary gem happens to be carved out of seventy billion words, cool, some lucky fool like us will find it and dance with glee over whatever it is, cuz that's what we do, ya know...

kittens and puppies and infants get it, even if they can't read...

so another fine day at work with fun and frolic cuz i have that autonomy and a few key bits get done and everybody's happy... my office looks like that guy in the basement of office space (really ought to clean it up, aye?) and we're all having fun (well, i am, it may take a while for the other humans to catch up)... the babbler is running around kicking all the words out of my head and so here i am waiting for dinner to cook and being a being without a tv, the music plays and until next i spit a few words into this box to inspire a smile (someday, you'll see), i say hello world, how ya doing?... yea, thereal in the house...

so, how ya? :)

blink and it's morning again

i hope you shared a good night with someone you love and if not, well, i hope you prefer to sleep alone and if not, well, i hope you find someone you are comfortable sleeping with soon, and if not, i hope you made the best of your love, your dreams, and your time alone...

so all the words poured out all over the place without any real focus or drive this weekend cuz of all the interruptions, but at least the brain has a little more room for the rest of the week or so and hopefully i'll find either the person who can take a mind-meld (which is so much more effective and more fun than a mind dump) or i will find time for an even better mind dump real soon (december has always been a good month for it, though i must make time as activities are too readily available if i do not get a little selfish with my me time, ya know?)...

the sun is shining inside and it's a beautiful day out the window too, nice nippy florida wintery morning (probably in the low 50's or high 40s, i reckon) and it's back to work this morning, so i am out the door...

lots of words for you to catch up on in at least a dozen different places (toldya i was busy babbling) and even more pages, if you find the time... if not, maybe next life... and if you happen to bump into someone who you might think can keep up with me and is crazy enough to be kind of compatible with me, do give them my number... much thanks and love and wonderfulness today in your world :)

night terrors

it is night and i just woke... i though i might sleep through the night, but a dream woke me (rare second time in the past month, aye?... time to get my head shrunk?) and i want to share, play, do something fun, party, or something like that... but i am alone, as usual for this century, so i write...

i just came by to wave hello in case you were up late too and wanted to talk... not that i want to talk on the phone, cuz my brain definitely wants to play and talking on the phone is far from play for me, but i'll never know when some neighbor stumbles across my babbles and decides it is finally time to knock on the door, even after midnight...

...pause to anticipate the eerie chills of a knock...


no such luck, alas, of course, naturally, we live within human rules, after all... but i am out here waving at you anyway, so if you understand, you can drop a few words of support and whatever, or just smile and let me know we exist after midnight, even if the human rule says all god's children should be home in bed, chaste and pure and fast asleep... i am obviously on the wrong planet...

this is thereal, my way... well, at least on a day off where vegetation took precedence over any other activities... you know, here i sit so all alone, nobody to talk to, a silent phone, or something like that... i wrote it in my infancy, for the few who might remember... whippoorwills must be about tonight (as are understatements, aye?... thanks for caring)...

tomorrow is another workday, so have fun :)

keeping busy

could be consider business, aye?... well, all in all, keeping busy may just be another way to avoid feeling the loneliness and meaninglessness of being without a partner in this life... and i mean partner connected to your core who you trust with everything, not the daily companion who hardly knows you or who isn't really in you all the time... this is the thought that came to me today as i stared at the ceiling and walls and computer screen and space and did little else today... this is the first day i gave myself to just vegetation in a few years, more, even...

feels so weird cuz i used to do this all the time... now it's a luxury and without enough time, it's a dangerous precipice... especially without distractions like tv or communications... how lonely i must be somewhere deep inside after more than a decade... the music has played on and off all day, but it's the kind of day when the silence definitely speaks to me more than anything...

i have a very busy life, but it is all of my own creation from day to day... i have not had a busy life created by others around me, family, in a long long time... there is a huge difference between being needed by family and being busy with activities... both have advantages, but being without either feels like something is missing... no wonder i keep busy :}

i did write rhymes and upload stuff all over the place, which is a gift for me... i hope your days at home alone, if you have any, are not missing anything, but even if they are, i hope you find the fun :)

partial fix (mttm)

given the choice, i'd share the night with someone rather than spend the night writing, but given the choice, i'd spend the night writing rather than sleeping alone on any day i do not have to wake for work... the all-night writing marathons are, as i've said many times, therapy, meditation, silly fun, creative play, self-balancing, communications, mind clearings, and so much more... i learned along the way that i do not need them, but i am better suited to experience life and happier with them than without...

so i gave myself the night this night and i feel a partial fix was found, partial because much more backlog is bouncing around my synapses than could pour out in one night and fix because some babble and rhymes did coalesce and find release and form in several of the gardens... at blogspot, you can "follow" a blog to know it's been updated... elsewhere, you've just got to hope i include a link or mention (candora) somewhere, but my hunger for feedback is diminishing greatly over the years so my avid must link everything everywhere all the time" imperative has waned...

i still love feedback though :)

the babbler is still bursting for more writing time, but the bios staff feel the heart and mind released some tensions and feel much a more stable peace and smile... peanuts all around :)

riding the flow

the sort of plan or semi-intention was to take the five day weekend that coincided with the personal calendar memory holiday and dive into the memory box and see what feelings and inspirations and gunk and stuff might come out in words... i used to do that for years, every year, on personal holidays, but have drifted from the reminiscent patterns more and more as time passes... i do not think it is because i feel less and i know it is not because i forget, it is because i do not make it a priority to make the time for it... i was much more selfish with my personal holiday time once upon a time... now, much more, i ride the flow of external influences in the real, the physical, the now, and the sharing whenever it is available... still, there is the real inside that should not be ignored, so perhaps i will find time soon for self-time, even if it is not shared, cuz that is how i maintain balance and the relatively constant smile (with or without the buddha belly :)

so the self-time was nudged aside by sharing time with others in their physical spaces, emergencies at work, telephone sharing, softball and socializing, and that very much inspires big smiles from the social parts of me... and the self, much like a faithful old dog, awaits... i wonder if dogs feel loneliness as people do...

i think i'll write for myself tonight and see where the words end up :)

postponed

the writing planned for tonight was postponed due to hours on the phone, which is classic irony for this night as the muses and the ethers and the energies are profound, what with the holiday... entries were added to the RealTime blog, along with music, and we'll be back tomorrow for more...