distracted

the real is i am distracted by reading words written eight to ten years ago as i rediscovered the usenet via google and reading myself and other has become one of those "oh, just one more" things as hours trickle by... egocentric foolishness or pathetic loneliness or creative curiosity or psychological torture or amusement, you can choose the name of the game, i'm just playing it (along with a half pound of ultimate chocolate chip lovers toll house cookie dough, yum :)

work is work, and i lost interest in it this month... as much as i enjoy most of what i do, including the challenges of trying to get a very dysfunctional management family to work together when they have a history of rejecting a quality improvement person, probably because they are too insecure, there are too many passive aggressive games being played by mid-level managers who spend much of their time playing "poor-me i'm so overwhelmed and confused" while undermining progress... perhaps i'll find it more interesting after the holidays...

and the bloat remains even as i return to socializing again this week (see calendar for details)... dinner with a couple of dozen at a Thai restaurant tonight... actual eye contact was made for more than five secons, which was quite an interesting experience...

as i am torn between accepting the futility of relating to humans (or finding a human who can/will relate to me as i am) and feeling the hunger to share more with someone outside of my head and again finding empty hands, weak depressed people, and neediness all around, there's a whole lot of fuckem if they can't take a joke in my perspective recently and who knows what next week or month might bring...

but then, maybe, there's always hope (which brings the laughter back :)

part of my mood is not having enough time for introspection and creativity, but then, that's life in the real for all but a small percentage of extremely wealthy people who have no responsibilities for life's bills... but hey, i don't really need sleep, right? (and we pretend to forget the entries of just a day and few ago as we shlip off giggling into the night riding a bloated belly full of sugar chocolate and all the magic that goes along with that suicidal combination... someone save my life tonight, or don't, i'm having fun either way (though i still miss sharing and all that sharing can be, incorrigible romantic fool that i am... nyuk and all)...

i hope you are enjoying your december too, narf :)