so the very next night

i ordered food in so i don't have to walk around and stand on my feet because i am exhausted because the day started before sunrise and i left work close to 8pm which was way too long for the first day back on my feet after straining the back and then playing ball last night (rest is not being at work for twelve hours, after all, and the cure for what ails the back right now is a few days of actual rest) but anyway, i start nodding off feeling bad about not taking happiness out for a walk but right now that would not be a wise move for the back or for him as he needs guiding more than ever and i am not ready for tugging on the leash or walking anywhere so my frustration is keeping me awake and i am hoping jackson gets home soon cuz she has been so far behind in her paperwork cuz there is just not enough time in her week what with working three jobs and still wanting a social life and gym time and church time and yoga time and now, a new girlfriend time which she is so not ready for because she doesn't have the time or emotional stability and yet she's made the same mistake so many times before and sets herself up for failure so well and i wish i could help but she blocks the reality she doesn't like so well and reacts very poorly when i point it out like the financial situation and her returning to almost not paying anything for household expenses (rent, bills, food, etc) and there is the deeper on-going rub that desturbs my innerds as i repress and suppress (two things i hate, yeah, hate to do and therefore do not do well contrary to public appearances) but still keeps me awake or wakes me in the middle of the night as it's bound to do all week but i will continue to be me and be supporting (even if that is enabling because i see no other way out and i don't want her left with a choice of leaving town to return to her parents or moving into an uncomfortable situation with friends because we are family and family does not put family out, i think, and i don't want money ending yet another family bond because it does not seem like people can get past money issues so i ignore them because money is not as important to me as people even when i reach the bottom line which is i should have a comfortable savingsa for retirement but i don't because i've spent at least ten thousand a year (probably more if i figured it out) on supporting her and buying the car was a big mistake as that money should be going toward retirement savings and this is what keep the brain from resting and the body from loosing up which is likely a large part of the back and neck spasm and whatever else is going wrong in the body which hopefully doesn't include a gleal cell tumor even though there is promising hope for a cure through polio therapy but that's beside the point even though it is fascinating so not everything on tv is a waste of time or mere escapism and so when all is said and done, at least for this entry, i reall ought to be sleeping and so even though it's around midnight and jackson is not home yet and happiness is probably uncomfortable or already had an accident and she never stays out this late during the week without texting me so i don't worry (what, me worry?) but she did say she was stopping at her new girl's place (it gets so scary unstable when she goes out on that high wire while already working 90 plus hours a week and driving so many miles a day and dealing with constant anxiety and stress cuz she hasn't had an her insurance plan for many months), i shall turn off the tv and put aside this laptop and close the eyes (even though all the lights are on and food is next to me that should be refrigerated but the back is not going to be moved again tonight) and see if sleep will come...

sigh, life is like that sometimes...

narf...

ain't there nobody ever gonna notice me never again?

mixed double negatives, no doubt... but the question has validity as even the person i live with has no interest in acknowledging i exist except on the surface or when we get in each others way... she may say that's just her shyness and fear of intellectual intimacy, but then, the result is the same... so i put myself into words (along with whatever else sticks to my senses long enough to stimulate a brain cell for my than a moment) and these words remain lost in cyberspace, unfound, unnoticed, or simply ignored... it's a fool's game, and i don't mean a pitching fool, but then, perhaps that is exactly what i am (perhaps?) as i pitch word after word, thought after thought, plea for attention after plea (too desperate?), in entry after entry and blog after blog and time after time in life after live in universe after universe and the multiverses signal or sing out to the infiniverse, hey, where are you now? la la la...

do you remember me?... we used to be real close... called ourselves best friends... now on opposite coasts... do you ever think of me?... i wonder about you... how does a love so strong become so silent... is our love still true?... ah, so moody blue...

and i'm a rainbow...

well, as the time slowly becomes the next moment and the relative meaningfulness of this blog and whatever sharing may be slips slowly into yet another song reference, i hope for some interaction (cuz there's always hope) and i wish you peace...

and narf, always the narf :)

allowing a nose dive

that's the way it goes sometimes, life gets too busy at the end of a month and something or other take me away from the laptop and oh well, the entries dry up and the visiters fade away and the month takes a nose dive (especially when a previous month finished with a serious bang)... so for what it's worth, nothing going on... but the dream of fame and fortune, or at least a band (and i dream a bass will join me, to fill the bottom in, and maybe now some lead guitar so it wouldn't sound so thin, and i need some drums to set the beat and help me keep in line, and way back in the distance, some strings would be so fine... and we'd all play together... ah, good dreams never die, even when they're sleeping)... i think i was asleep at the time, but the entries will be there no doubt, even after the fact...

meanwhile, all the tired horses in the sun, all the empty time, dead air, as one industry calls it... are you out there?... are you missing me?... do you even care?... or so lost in despair you don't have the will or energy to say you are there and you care and it's sad to be there that way... so what do you say?... send a few characters to this odd character and remind us both that we are not alone today?...

there's always hope, remember?...

fool on the mound

game after game, alone on the mound, the pitcher risks more than any player around, but nobody seems to see him, they may think he's just a fool, nobody seems to notice he's the fool on the mound throwing balls at big bats that slam back at his head spinning him all around... yeah, so anyway, in spite of barely moving all day, hobbling to the bathroom and looking around for crutches (a mop sufficed a bit), i laid on the heat and felt slightly better and then got into the shower for the hottest heat (not really, i'm not what i used to be) and then, fool that i am, i dressed for softball and shuffled out the door... i did take two aspirins an hour and a half before the game and two more forty minutes before the game though... driving was interesting... and we took the field after i decided i could almost swing the bat so i wouldn't be an automatic out... they needed me even if i was because only nine of us showed up... sad, because it was the win or go home game...

i pitched well, considering i couldn't bend over or use much of my body much... about a dozen errors game them 13 runs in five innings... i hit ok, going 3 for 3 and batting in two runs... unfortunately we scored a total of three runs so the game ended in five and we miss the playoffs this year... so we play in two weeks when the next season starts instead of next week... hey, it's the pride, right?... or more real, it's the jones... the addiction... i mean, here i am barely able to walk and i am forcing the body to loosen up enough (with drugs) to throw the ball, swing the bat, hit the ball, and run to first... i may not be able to move without excrutiating pain when the aspirin wears off... sleep tonight, i hope...

so much for the fool on the mound...

home today

no office, working from home, can barely move, even the bathroom is too far away... and softball tonight?... i must be out of my mind, and yet, i will will myself to go out to the field and see how it goes... meanwhile, i recline in the recliner with the laptop working more efficiently than i ever get to do at the office because there are so many constant interruptions at the office so staying home, even due to pain, is more productive than going in to work for getting paperwork and systems reporting done... still, though doing all the administrative tasks that keep the business running is vital to keeping the business running, the most important part of my job is keeping the people satisfied so interfacing, eye contact, communicating, and being there for them is still the priority... so get better quite back... and no coughing, laughing, or breathing heavy allowed today... at least not until it's time to see if i can get to the field and pitch...

and what are you doing with the rest of your life?... or day, even?...

narf :)

sleep sucked

as tired as i was (and am) i was awakened much of the night by the lower back pains and finally after about eight hours the bladder overrode the pain of movement and i struggled to find a way to roll over and stand without so much pain that might pee on myself and somehow i shuffled to the bathroom in time... then i come out and do not want to lay down again because it was such a painful struggle to stand so i sit in the recliner and notice that the phone and laptop are unplugged and there are bones on the floor... jackson only put some of the food away and it looks like curious climbed up on the table and scattered a few rib bones... luckily happiness is gated in the bedroom or he might have choked or been very sick this morning as he is so old and has been on a very restricted diet for years and eating meat or bones hurts him and produces serious diarrhea and other issues that sometimes need an emergency vet visit (which i do not want to pay for and jackson cannot afford, but let's just keep avoiding the recurrent money issues {another year, nothing is changing, the same mistakes, the same issues} and stress for now as it does not help the back pains at all, not to mention the blood pressure) and so anyway, i hobbled to pick up the food on the carpet (cleaning will be left for another time) and get the crab rangoons to the fridge and get myself some water and here we are back in the recliner with the throbbing quite distracting... this could be a very long day and evening...

so reaching for distraction in spite of the pain of movement, i plug in the laptop and somehow get it on my lap (not being able to rotate the torso is quite an obstacle to many tasks) and here we are... and as if i didn't need any additional stress or interference in my attempt to distract myself from the pain and other life issues, kaspersky acts up again... yeah, so i wake the laptop at 4:59am and kaspersky starts a critical scan, a vulnerability scan, and an update at 4:59am preventing me from using the laptop until it is done which is the exact opposite of the setting i have set for kaspersky which is scan when idle, do not scan when not idle (or is that just wishful thinking because kaspersky does not offer that essential feature!!!)...

yes, three exclamation points... when i wake up i just may find that i am apparently quite updet with kaspersky again... i would be beside myself with frustration if it was not so painful to move... stop laughing, it hurts... breathing hurts... typing hurts... tired hurts... and coincidence or not, that entry (which for some reason was viewed more than any other since yesterday) reflects much of the moment except that i woke earlier than planned still wanting sleep but the back ache is keeping me awake...

and the pain is (and sleepiness and life stressors are) obviously sort of tainting the core mood of jubilation that still somehow dominates my inner experience of this life in spite of the influences to the contrary all around... still too stubborn to conform...

so all in all, it's a wonderful morning... but where is my party girl when i need her? :)

narf :)

cheap chinese is still expensive

the reason i love a chinese buffet is i love variety in my meals and to get variety outside of a buffet requires spending a lot of money and having a lot of leftovers which can be awkward at a restaurant and even more costly in take out... so two appetizers (large order of spare ribs and crab rangoon) and two entres (shrimp in black bean sauce and shrimp and scallops in garlic sauce) and large shrimp fried rice plus tip was about $60 and there are two meals, at least, in the fridge... yummy, but the back made it a painful experience to try to sit and eat... i finally sat back and munched on the rubs because it was less painful than sitting up... i texted jackson asking her to put the food away because i am as immobile as possible at the moment and hope to find a way to sleep tonight that does not leave me even more immobile in the morning as i have one of the busier weeks ahead and much of it involves training others at the office so working from home is not an option most days... sucks to be me at the moment...

alone is even worse...

sad narf...

sadly softball

i love the game, but the challenge is, many other people are required to play the game and people can be so very annoying... it only takes one or two and there are too only one or two out of a dozen or fifteen on a team that simply do not play well with others and we've got a couple, one in particular but he uses his boyfriend to create ridiculously unnecessary drama and so today winning two games and moving into first place (beating the the undefeated first place team and the two loss third place team) was tainted by divisive and secretive companing and manipulation by the guy after the game... he ignores the fact that he made more errors than anyone else and gave away more runs than anyone else and instead made everyone very incomfortable by complaining about coaching decisions to put newer weaker players for the last inning after we had a ten run lead... anyway, we do have a coaching problem because this consistently happens when our coach leaves and the assistant coach takes over because the guy feels more comfortable challenging the assistant coach than the coach...

worst of all is the i hurt my back and am in rather severe pain... it was just before the second game and i didn't get to warm up or stretch because the catcher (all the new players get to play catcher and they make me work extra chasing the ball because they can't throw it back to me consistently which throws me off and occasionally puts too much strain on my back) did not come out until everyone else was ready to play and i needed to stretch and throw some pitches after the first game so i almost took myself out for the game but pushed through and now i am quite immobilized as any movement is severe pain in the lower back... and my monday night team has a must win tomorrow which is gonna be quite a challenge...

sadly, softball is not as much fun without a close friend to share the ups and downs and challenges and pains and strains and struggles and victories... jackson works sundays now and went to see a possible new girlfriend tonight (like she has time or stability for that, but that's another story, and stressor)...

most of all i need to find a comfortable position so i can sleep...

cuz i really want you to love me

when we wonder why i am here rambling on and on and on and on as if there is no end to the flow of words or thoughts or ideas or feelings or creative madness or opinions or ridiculously seemingly obligatory drama (affected, contrived, or artificial) one of the primary answers, obvious or not, is the title of this entry... seriously and sincerely, i want you to love me... i also want world peace and a world without suffering and if you love me, that's a start cuz if we all loved each other, we be a whole lot closer to peace and harmlessness and no suffering than we are right now (and we might even get there) so how about it?... i'll love you and you'll love me and we'll be one big family... come on, affected fake pruple dinosaurs aside, it's a great idea... the most important idea... and the only idea that matters if we are to survive as a species, actually... cuz if we actually love each other we will figure out solutions to all the crap we create and divisions we force between ourselves... besides, your god, no matter who he, she, or it is, wants you to... don't you love your god and want to please your god?... and if you've got no god you know this is right as well as anyone with a god so get over the fear and love me (and everybody, m'ok?)... narf :)

yeah, that's the ticket... so how about it, aye? :)

when nothing appears to be happening

just because it appears that nothing is happening does not mean nothing is happening because something is happening all the time even if we are not aware of it or our senses and sensors and record keeping devices are not reading it so never fear, for happenings are happenings everywhere all the time, i mean, in case you wondered and were at all concerned, or just curious, even... there are so many who base their lives on delusions and beliefs they can not prove without violence or worse and there are those who live on data and measures that are supposed to be meaningful and emorical and realer than the delusions in some way and there are those who wander the wilderness of nothingness waiting for something to happen because they are not feeling or sensing or thinking anything and thing nothing is happening and we are all caught in the midst of one or another of the infinite possibilities we can perceive or imagine if we want to so what do you want?...

to be or not to be, aye?...

narf :)

can i look up your dress?

oh come on, you expect an honest person into girls not to ever ask the question?... if you do, then i wouldn't really want to be close to you anyway because the fears in your head would not get along well with the honesty in mine... but since the thought popped up (we will not mention any names to protect the innocent and all, or something like that)...

can i look up your dress
i don't mean to offend
i just get so turned on
looking at your rear end
and your legs make me feel
like something's crawling up my spine
the tingling radiates both ways
to my feet and my mind

the question is how i confess
i want to see you undress
and if you feel a tingle too
then i want to make love to you

it's a chemical reaction
a visceral sensation
it's out of my control
but it is up to you

i respect your choice
tell me with your voice
this is why i ask
my desire is true

what do you want
what will you let me do

yeah, so anyway, just because i don't discuss the physical interactions one body can enjoy with another too often (not that i don't elude to it now and then) doesn't mean i am not a perfectly healthy kid who wakes up with a woody every morning... have i gone too far?... well, before i go any further should we turn on meatloaf or something?...

if this is too much for your sense of humor, oh well, you probably don't know what to do with what's under your dress anyway... sad though, cuz you really do turn me on...

don't let it get creepy, now, m'ok?...

narf :)

i will not go quietly

not i, not me, no way, so there... the fools i fool might think i don't care but that is not true for those who come near cuz i am tenaciously single-minded when it comes to the caring i'm fully behind it and every time you think i don't care you only prove you are not aware like so many who live with their mind closed you judge and remain one who never knows what matters in this life and what is real as you pretend you can't control how you feel the answer is not blowing in the wind it's inside you, where it has always been so whatever you believe you are right unless you tell someone else they are wrong unless you intend harm and then you die never knowing you have lived a lie reaching for some artificial high or for some dream up beyond the sky and all that's left to do is say goodbye and wonder why...

narf :)

push happens

perhaps not exactly as the movie portrayed it, but influencing the way people think and perceive the world is as real and part of life as the sun rising in spite of the latest (or anything) the sci-fi or science or any tv channel or education or philosophy or holy word might suggest, from the subliminal surface of the advertising industry to the chemically indusced influences of modern medicine and the pharmaceutical industry to the fear-induced traumatic influences of the military industrial complex and police governments to any of a dozen other known and unknown influences all around us (not to mention sun spots and cosmic rays or as some might suggest, the stars), the madness of believing we have no control over anything is as ridiculous as believing we have control over everything, but you'd only know that if you open your mind and let everything in (which means overcoming fear and letting go ... oh oh oh, ho, ho, ho, ya know, ya know, ya know?... m'ok)...

rise and shine, sleepy heads, your minds are ready even if you are not...

narf :)

saturday in the house

meanwhile, in the real time real world as reported in (e)thereal, come saturday morning i slept in for the first time in many weeks (in spite of waking around sunrise to urinate, which went well in case you wondered and are here for the tmi) and it is a wonderfully wondrous feeling to have on a saturday afternoon... and i am still in the social hermit mode outside of softball and work in part because i need the rest and in part because i am tired of the drama that people seem to thrive on (seriously, i mock myself for getting caught up in it here in the babbling in case you haven't noticed it, but with others that mocking of their drama is rude and can hurt feelings or even get me physically hit {as it has in the past} so i'd rather let it be cuz seriously, how can the ridiculous idea of momentary actions and human importance really be taken seriously in this transitory existence?... see what i mean?... if not, you miss the point which is the point)... i also have so little totally me time what with spending so much time working and playing ball and having a roommate and two animals at home that i treasure it when it comes so my saturdays are my me days and there is almost no social time on any of the other days... there are a few people i do miss, people who might have understood me and who shared my perspective on life, but here i sit alone and loving every minute of it except for that deep heart full of love part of me longing for the sharing that only the one can bring... still a wonderfully wonderful day...


and yeah, it would have been even more wonderful if you were here :)

the ramblings of a closet madman

perhaps that ought to be the title of this blog or the main blog where most of the ramblings end up or the collective works containing all of the blogs and other writings other than the potentially meaningful personal letters, love songs, and rhymes but who really knows (or cares) what the title should be when there are so many more important things going on ehere, there, and everywhere else in the universe (as if this planet was the center of everything) cuz ultimately, the mind is a terrible thing to waste so i manifest destiny in every moment as the words express infinite expansion across the universe and every other as well even if there is nothing more than self-engrandizement (even if that is not a word) or something like that...

watching too much sports rots the brain, especially sports drama...

narf :)

diamonds have fewer facets

yeah, well, it's not as if i am some precious gem, but what i mean is i have many different sides, many different parts to my personality... like most madmen, in one moment i can be a ranting lunatic expousing the merits or demons of anything, chocolate, for instance, and in the next moment i could be a casanova seducing you off your feet... ok, so mayby not you, but not everybody's afraid of honest sensuality... yeah, and in the next moment i could be stomping on a soapbox about how corporations are killing us and humanity is a suicidal species that needs to wake up to it's inherent insecurity that fosters greed and creates cruelty... children are starving out there, after all... the point is, you can take me seriously or write me off, but if you want to know me you need to bring salt and a flexible sense of humor (and a flexible body if you want to know me physically and a flexible mind if you want to know anything for real)... and now, as fatigue starts finally coming over the horizon, i thank you for the eyes you use to read these words and if you find yourself smiling or feeling anything, i thank you for that... while my words are here to release the stuff inside of me and to reflect on the stuff i see outside of me, the words are also here for you... hope one of more of my many sides feel good for you now and then...

cuz that's what it's all about...

narf :)

developing osmosis

or whatever we might call the absorption of everything to actualize balance, we are in the process, doing the deeds that develop the stuff of dreams, peace and happiness, and balance... that's what we all want, i mean, even those who want some of this, even, cuz we all want what we want and honest people who don't buy into unnecessary fears want to feel good, but that's another entry)... the platonic ethereal love we share in words is the balance we can create here if we dare to feel it and share, i mean, in case you want to know... just absorb it, it's everywhere, and then share it....

i am developing it, whatever it's called, whatever it is...

narf :)

a few dozen off

when counting entries and the goals we might set for numbers of entries, when overlooking the ridiculous meaninglessness of such counting of entries, when simply wishing for more entries for any reason, being noticed and/or cared for, perhaps, there is perhaps some arbitrary numbers we'd like to see, as if the numbers of entries might create the result that this and any other blog was created to create, whatever that is, we might be coming up a few dozen short, at least... to reach a thousand entries a year, for instance, we are nearly a hundred short of pace, but then, why would we want more than one entry a day?... sex?... hunger?... lust for life?... loneliness?... maybe there is a reason you have for yourself or something deep inside you don't even admit to yourself, but somehow blogging lets it out even if you don't recognize it and nobody ever notices... posterity might...

do you ever pretend that you simply can't help yourself as if you lose control and simply must do something as if you have lost your mind or something like that?...

narf :)

are you there?

remember remember remember (not just the fifth of november)

If your browser does not show the audio player, you can click here to listen to the song

or start anew... whatever happens it is up to you... you can't go back but you can start again from the very beginning to the very end... alone so long discomfort is the first sensation when someone comes too close and now you wonder if anyone will ever be the one again, will anyone ever be comfortable laying skin to skin after the sex when the real intimacy begins... ooooo, that could be read any number of ways... you? . . .

a few of the next twenty or so entries (if you dare to care to read on) might be even more revealing than this, or the ellipses for that matter...

narf :)

meanwhile, between her legs

so there they were, tom hanks and james corbin talking about manspreading on the first late late show james corbin hosted with mila kunis sitting metween them and james foolishly tells mila not to join in which was his first mistake, but perhaps he is gay reaching for a gay audience (it's tough to tell with him being british, after all), but what is most shocking is how motherhood (or ashton) has taken it's toll on the darling innocent sensuality of mila as she sat between the two men spreading their legs... it is sad what releasing a human being from between her legs can do to a girl... yeah, i said it, alas, this has dropped her down the libbo ladder even if i don't update the website tonight because i am too lazy too even if the internet was not down (yes, brighthouse has failed us once again)... if you are not distracted (or dusgusted) enough yet, welcome to the machine and thank you for your tolerance... can i offend your religion next?...

hump that body baby, hump, hump, yeah yeah, hump that body baby, you know how to move it move it, hump that body baby, hump hump, yeah yeah, hump that body baby, you know how to groove it, you know that was coming, what else rhymes with move it, hump that body baby, goose goose goose it, hump that body baby, all night long...

you don't have to be british to be easily embarrassed...

narf :)

following craig

maybe the luckiest guy in show business this week is james corbin who, with the help of meryl streep, arnold schwartznegger, jay leno, and a host of other famous people, was introduced to the late late show and with no less than tom hanks and mila kunis as his guests... needless to say i stayed awake to masturbate...

oh sure, you aren't laughing because you are embarrassed, but no worries, you are quietly sitting in your home where nobody knows except me and i am the one writing this, so what me worry?...

seriously, they don't know what they are missing...

what?...

brighthouse died again

later tonight, apparently all of central florida is dead from tampa through seminole county which means i can't get any work done and i have a ton of work to do for work that i was going to do tonight because i am wired from the chocolate overdose... it is ridiculous that they charge $140 plus a month for this crappy service... it is even more ridiculous that there are no viable alternatives...

it's almost as pathetic as the one direction fans...

barf...

never give up, never whatever

maybe it was living on an island at the edge of the sea with invaders and weather that threatened to pushed them into the sea and death that bred them to be frightened over-dramatic meglomaniacs so fixated on control that when they loos it they lose themselves in pompousity and tradition like any blind following the blind kind (ever notice how the british seem to fit into the nazi roles in movies so easily?... whatever that means, you might need to think if you ponder a bit if you care to know)... meanwhile, you can watch the tv broadchurch for instance or bbc america and and dr. who or such you may never understand, but if you add in helix, 12 monkeys, orphan black, lost girl, and other almost end of the world as we know it types, or even push and others of that prophetic ilks called semi-supernatural or something like that, you might begin to understand a bit of the madness you accept as normal average human behavior and perspective...

it could be that you don't want to know, but i say - never give up, ya know?...

narf :)

pistachios and chocolate milk

it is a magical mix of flavors tonight with many different foods all day and an evening of pistachios and chocolate milk (made with vanilla and my own secret recipe that involves different chocolate and sugar sources and special milk) and the infinite energies of the infiniverses are radiating through every bit of space between every particle of every atom of every bit of matter everywhere and the wheels on the bus go round and round too, so enjoy the pleasures of this world as you can and fear nothing as long as you truly intend and strive to do no harm for the energy you create and release into the infiniverses is the energy you will receive and in the end the love you save is equal to the love you gave and vice versa in every infinite permutation even if you do not understand at the moment... it is the art of the infinite from macroscopic to astronomical and well beyond the measures you know, whatever you may believe... one of the minor questions you might answer to give us some insight into your potential is will you let your mind dance tonight... so what about it, aye?...

we've got so much to share if we only get over the fear and let ourselves be aware of everything everywhere all we have to do is care... of course just because you are exposed to the secrets and knowledge of everything does not mean you get it, ya know?...

narf :)

craving chocolate

so i ordered two subs from christopher's and was sadly very disappointed in the quality and portion and taste, first time this place struck out completely... so not i am craving chocolate even more... i had a girl scout cookies, coconut, then a thin mint... then two more coconuts... not enough chocolate... i almost fell asleep before the cookies...

,,,

,,,

,,,

...

i would have uploaded many tonight

or was this tomorrow night?... time is relative, after all... anyway, yes, the entries poured out like there was no tomorrow or perhaps like i overdosed on chocolate and pistachio nuts and so on and so forth or was it the wild sex we shared... you are the only song, after all, like harry sang, we've done it all tonight...

little doggie found, sitting on a bag of cheetos
no one knows just how or why you are where you are
puddle all around, on your plastic island
soon the news and internet will make you a star

now you're trending, going viral, never ending, upward spiral
it's so easy to lead humans to lose their minds
are you crazy or just lazy is your head foggy or hazy
the last thing you do at night is close your blinds

little kitty found, sitting on a block of candy
no one knows just how or why your pussy purrs
are you kidding or is this all a metaphor
little kids don't understand that you're disturbed

not you're worried, so confused and feeling hurried and misused
as if you've somehow been soiled by an idea
you might miss the kiss of reason in your delusional season
as you can't see past your self-built box of fear

it is scary when the world seems too hard to understand
even if it is because you choose to close your mind
self-made mental disability is tough to live with, yeah
especially if you pretend you don't know
and you don't know you know
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
you can stay if your mind is open
if not... you can go
ho ho ho

what?

the irony of time*

that potentially profound title is wasted on this entry even before the entry begins because all this entry is saying is that the series of entries written about techie issues tonight were actually written saturday morning into afternoon which is why there was (and is, since they are in progress as i interject this bit of fluff) so much frustration about wasting time cuz a day off (which is technically what saturday is even though i on call 24/7 and have much actually work to do from home this particular weekend cuz it's budget week, fun fun fun) and this particular relatively meaningless entry that likely misuses the word irony as so many do in so many ways (which may be the most ironic irony of all the ironies that are or are not actually ironies, but that's beside the point as usual) is simply meant to inform us all that the timedate stamp has once again been used to manipulate the time space continuum for purposes that may or may not ever be revealed even if we live long enough to see the collected works of this playfully mad babbler become the epic classic it is destined to be, reincarnation aside, surpassing ovid, plato and all the philosophers, shakespeare, all the kings (and horsemen too) and even recurrent modern madmen or your time...

handle with care and you may one day understand...

narf :)

*not really

techie's delight

like what the heck does this mean?

_KGyGaAvL.sys_540228697 ½ ½ bCbCbDjCbCbCbCdOlLso3Lz8oeiQ6ldqq/KCNfSdgRMe6DJlzKanhF34gf9LGbaeEbHi23v2daVLf15fXaYfA56JUp+Fm41EhKZejSSrCoVTsjoTM7xCQVutp0roqsO9sBqD+Bt7XFr9fdVNGaFp2MkzbiTRELHGkN1T65QxCH7iNwtSxAWavi5AjMXd5/vMTMz+xvVdechULJqeAR28lsJT5tj/xt9GbfkV2v61B/DUECMoWvdwADExf+PDQJF9n2seIjpA2IZ64FghBPGk2wnKqmxlVZ7oOrK/s5za6OOLUJSNcCv+9AIGTS+vANAoXdfX+lRSh4BUmHocItjuWAxMSD2XWvV+LP/kAEVdeVdkOs0QvWGuDZEvrx15QS8sczmH8tie3tFL8FM=JpToDgB91usyekZqqL139Vkxkr83uNC+bPkkTgsKlG8= bCbCbDjCbCbCbCdOzuQP21fxzN25DLwDp/ZPu40K1YILH9tBzINFQrmOTV0UFMmGz+q64K867NpttCGWiJgzDNJ9L8OvgMHCQBGJ1yQxGA2iSQ99ueM8ouUE/Cum8BFWjKYYAIoONvhxOaWJwHs9Zwdg36zrksmE+oh8+EvrOiR02doNo/juOxk7PFhYegck9/G9Ht4s9JNW9oXb3HduLuNqdmPh4Dsm1N/UlNiKx4HpaWtQGdqT+It+ucQNesE99G+ptrQJ0ve1OXNq9Z1Ki0PAT/N2Q/54OrCyWMrpz3KPUwydNmQb/5UsKe9+LK624QOpzvIxpDEU8+NDcXPbC+iotdPSQQKjh29eAcW5ngMOesB7691WB5yBI0RCAcs2ysXxNXePCM77WNk=JpToDgB91uuPrYGuDFin7bmI+UM1txFBRm08SVt1cSA= 540213843 ½ ½ bCbCbDjCbCbCbCdOBA6usZlmlq+gt/ZBk49Fh4m0QRhulLytimUc5P2rivrXqsa47TuwaEU7I4cGDr2DAEz4PSADnCht31jbSd0HMPrWwY9mJutn0lJURi+C3LOcxy01S30WT1mZSTmo3gmB+BVJZCRgMJFJhYiv2qfW2nfnmt01LablyBCnxRdXnq6pGfg1s5Xv5niiXVJBZLm7F3F+RFRNp2+JrkmBokUsYMKwbsvpufHkWuUm4IQi9d6Psf8Rnaq/8GBCr+NFSkO55oLC/1210UKp8aAZVdJMm+dldk1g2V/BS04uMgKyETykrg8wKj51GJ4CFTlCiWwwD0LFe3B+6S2s8t/Xohm16/FIzR8huJL4tsmElyxeSjKYyfTj6r0fzgk6QF8EGSw=JpToDgB91usgnU0z3HL6hc5/PQv/UBXMY41TE4clK4Q= bCbCbDjCbCbCbCdOfFVSyoHX20nfrgyvLFLXnry4a5ctueIgtTQoZ9Z7Ib/irT9smDAkTkUblF55Ce1hRzdxrJgwEu4JE6LJKEHNyvaZtmyiVlW07+Hq5/iTFtqfdDNIFrD6WBuiMRdraPLD2ZmzaTWQAxWrmo+8ry7a1vkjpETtt1Ot/EeSf74sFqiak9JVHbWTP2VYPZEJewsESn4sNQQ8X/6f1R9hpwF3DOJI3ZAACm5JzB+9d5GqonRqOqoKUqFsAKZzQONKHGiYijTwXQYJfO9M7uWe+9Q9uy326T91h9m0OfOyZXSZvoHPs6iF9tQi13bz/b5Fo4cjgQZrB/LKiP7GZU5iF7zoF0aokTBrS1MdX9l5R4x5Lvl2B3uT2VkJcvVZwr1zqdE=JpToDgB91us+MGetynDvhw5Yvay2sxy47WmuQstYqTo= 540222820 ½ ½ bCbCbDjCbCbCbCdO7yiPBBnR5iHhS/A+lyeat8m4bZx9OUsXzJuBiRte9G8+yx6Zk5zli7N6ssk6XkHEn0N9EZTvyJALpu7LLlp+Gt953+/xu+tMoy5ETuVws3ptDJ9n88L1rRW50q2FqKWQfiwIAuw5Hwqm+lKHhHlWeNfUcr6zmsqbx6LRITTD7M5Y+77U7k6NK4RjaiC1bX7GDOvX7MUKawQ3mGbclS8V+aSPd3zvlBjckjtEr/pIak+MeUShaPphRs7byBF5v/4bMYeXBd08WwG0wHUNw6g+uZezRSTdU+Uo4WbMfGeAh4X1VrrXO0Qly1qn0HOLgPFt3t/SdGZ3GvrD5KDurbEPUahlgc/ndyvY1a3zmNznS3eGtWAei3JBxOFUpS65CmU=JpToDgB91usQ/r/NpeAum5qny68COY9H5KvEucWlNeg= bCbCbDjCbCbCbCdOkCkFX93mrKXwJ5J5aNlid8UOdhDzAH1o1DM6KZSagp8T4YT5sgrqmP759KNdvS/DPSFkCvanHn7LVkorMW3nhPrLFYzrZbaXtkcpGYCLzIMzG591Kr+5FhDSQw9/l/66NMpRjRgSzgWa6oeUizP9+sShqioGrQr5U3WImIO7v2Z1nQNnYNjlZ9REV4XMZ2V8AmuI7d/BoMQGr4iPAg7BCJhu85rX/+3ZMOlyoGpc3Tx4+7C4CWXq87FzKMnvPwZsPJnQBNM6dP2zadOnEPOVgdBhxXzeYB9nolzFp0MsH4PS85+NXZh94Qw8wPTgij3M+f+hxQj4PIaPEOaZH+De4vz7f5pszwZJ/cKdPsoIniK/GIDMD31KhZWTQvA1lDQ=JpToDgB91uu64Oz2M8ct5sgtAex2Mm0kSbS36WvdSuE= 540243672 ½ ½ bCbCbDjCbCbCbCdO7cD7wZ9eNJ7pTVUumRwd6gtzfvHq9NedUx6ixEOM8+aaAl6OsQv72B3m+wkNZfMjlT2MOZrHuzeIDw6YmNFz9Ul/YDpDeu9Q0o5HuSKzKg5tVKoYXEmOstU66OOyUHYZMkVXYiFw5kzcjNJknRAvJ7a/2m2DK2n/XnQRcoxtXMyck0hFeYtBKPZ4mv194gLKtH/CkPzqhHkxYncNiubxYIQUQ01rhlynivW64uyQ8Mxjk4Tkf/77eYe7xir2nDuPGYUvVkivmiSwL6ySJtRiWNFmKA+2p1l/jWIAWuPz6d9eHyKswaFj+F3YrS4XTEaF0fKhPopIY5oxYAehSF/pXJ25YIZBCqe2x1Qu/Askm9sWvEP0aYAC0gKbaFICJn0=JpToDgB91uvhS2oBKtyktaK26wWWmVZniMS2pTPWmdk= bCbCbDjCbCbCbCdO9N6GH/8V+IOV4TTQA0tjb+0AEJpofPuJqinR3vnJsMPB6u4JMSQKGSrubN4/NslBamxPhu6HHf61SIJxk2oPJS7LYxf+DuJjEnR/jpyrzsOL9pgTZcQOfWeLQcXxZIw9ZgmQdQAcBvS+xSSuA4oD84kxLcWm1+zZq6bQezMeJ7t0nLeK82l5Inz7COtA0coL8ugj73wDYXR9qZNanucAqEhVQa67NfgeOqgH3bd1EFJllLF9cPktTipaNYe/oqf8tm/mAk+c5ujva0Pj69942L4nefWj9Sch0DaIYpXlT+Kmsq+yGJsumC6KNGfEevxonLZtKs4moWRGkfdxAbQ3JGQvo2st+ZTGz+SJ7fk/s9kMXfWil2UbU6BklUccG80=JpToDgB91uvyXm3PjBQ7kq6LqiawNyVMty7cQ3t/6mA=

I know, right?...

tech tech tech

which actually refers to the passage of time waiting for the scanning software to release the computer from it's slow-down clutches so i might have some false sense of security that the computer and my data is safe and will not continue to suddenly shut down at what appear to be semi-random moments... time time time... tic tic tic... tech tech tech... get it?...

in any case, this third in the unplanned series of tech reportish (or more accurately, perhaps techish report) entries begins with the check of the spybot deep root scan in progress... it may go on forever and produce no understandable or useful results, which leads me to wonder why they ask for money for the program... show me some explanation for the process that makes sense to me and i'd happily pay for the time i am waiting for the results... that's why i complain so much about kaspersky, they do charge a lot to slow down my computing and maybe even block my browsers and still they make no sense in their 'reports'... anyway, here are some more of the reports from spybot... sense will be much welcomed, appreciated, praised, and if you're good or adorable, maybe even paid for... are we having fun yet? :)

Type: File
Object: System Diagnostics.xml: 0v1ieca3Feahez0jAwxjjk5uRh:$DATA
Location: C:\Windows\winsxs\amd64_microsoft-windows-p..rastructureconsumer_31bf3856ad364e35_6.0.6002.18005_none_11e6a32ee5f1495f\
Details: Unknown ADS

Type: File
Object: System Diagnostics.xml: 0v1ieca3Feahez0jAwxjjk5uRh:$DATA
Location: C:\Windows\winsxs\amd64_microsoft-windows-p..rastructureconsumer_31bf3856ad364e35_6.0.6001.18000_none_0ffb2a22e8cf7e13\
Details: Unknown ADS

Type: File
Object: System Diagnostics.xml: 0v1ieca3Feahez0jAwxjjk5uRh:$DATA
Location: C:\Windows\PLA\System\
Details: Unknown ADS

Type: File
Object: KGyGaAvL.sys
Location: C:\ProgramData\
Details: No admin in ACL

Type: File
Object: BF57792E73.sys
Location: C:\ProgramData\
Details: No admin in ACL

Type: File
Object: DenisDutton_2010.mp4:TOC.WMV:$DATA
Location: C:\Users\ric\Documents\
Details: Unknown ADS

Type: File
Object: Douglas Adams- Parrots the Universe and Everything.mp4:TOC.WMV:$DATA
Location: C:\Users\ric\Pictures\
Details: Unknown ADS

(and sixteen other .tmp files in AooData\Local\Temp created today)

to whatever credit is due, spybot does give me the option to scan the files for malware with a few jumps through a few hopes and spybot reports the files are clean, in fact, spybot "explicitely recognized these files as clean" and in spite of the passive voice, i can accept the premise based mostly on hope that that is better than nothing, even if ignorance reigns supreme in such a judgment... like what the heck does this mean?...

so the deep rootkit scan continues as will these relatively meaningless reports because someday someone will understand and if they explain it to me, i may be forever grateful, but then, the future is not predictable according to current human knowledge and i'll not challenge that particular assumption at this point in time (though i will predict i will offer some form of appreciation and praise if and when an explanation that means understanding in my brain ever comes and if libbo likes the information giver, there would likely even be some form of offering of some form of wild sexual escapades... with and without chocolate)...

some 4:30:14 hours later, spybot deep rootkit scan is done and... drumroll... nothing... just a list of files with no recommendations and scanning each shows they are clean (so why are they on this list with either yellow or red flags?)... yeah, i know, feel free to explain and collect your appreciation and praise... and money if i actually understand and you are not a generous soul...

narf :)

actually, i lied

well, i didn't know i was lying at the time, i saw the report saying (or so i thought i read deep scan finished in 59:55 minutes, but my tired eyes played a trick on me, apparently) and assumed the deep scan was finished but my tech-addled brain read the words finisheds scanning registry in 59:55 minutes and it does seem the deep scan moved on to scan other parts of the computer which is slowing the computer and making my day a lot less fun... still, i will let the spybot deep scan continue doing it's scan even though it seems to be providing information that remains useless to me with no help in what i might do with that information which ultimately is a waste of my time... i really want to believe in security software and still retain the best vibs about spybot and kaspersky out of all the softwares i've read about even though both create more frstration than productive security because they provide information without providing a clue as to what to do with the information which does, on the surface, have all the same qualities of a scam because they both want money for the useless information with the promise that even though i have no clue as to how, they will protect me...

we'll come back to the deep rootkit scan later as it does whatever it is doing...

would-be techie dreams

i've got skills that amaze many people and yet i know i am so far from knowing how a computer actually works that i am an ameoba on an evolutionary scale when compared to actual computer tech (a term that runs the gamat from what i can do to someone who can do it all, whatever all might be... in any case, i am always hope, whenever my computers act up (and that is a term that ranges from processing slower than i want to shutting down unexpectedly) that i'd meet someone with knowledge well beyond that of mine to explain to me what stuff like this means... or HKLM system controlset dcomlaunch for that matter... reading this discussion provided valuable clues, the trouble is, i am not sure what to do with the clues... at least i am not clueless, which does provide a chuckle even though the majority of my brain is dissatisfied with my ignorance...

so anyway, the computer is shutting down unexpectedly and i am wondering if that is an overheating issue or a battery issue (since the battery is near death due to age and my habit of leaving the laptop plugged in all the time) or if there is some sort of malware buring deeper than my deep scans from kaspersky and spybot can find... it would help if i understood all that kaspersky and spybot might be telling me too... for instance i am reunning a deep rootkit scan and spybot has found seven rootkits so far and the details have a little red flag for all seven with five saying no admin in acl and one saying zero char in key name and one saying invisible to Win32... each have limited information for my ignorant brain... four of the objects Emun, two are LicCtrl (with a whole lot more characters following), and one is NOS... a relative blank is drawn in my brain... in fact, rather than ramble in detail (or in peices, for that matter) as if some clarity might come from typing information that makes little or no sense to me, here is the list of rootkits listed during spybot's deep rootkit scan... any understanding you might share as to what the following means would bring much appreciation and praise for you which might be worth your time if you are into appreciation and praise...

Type: Key
Object: Enum
Location: HKLM\SYSTEM\CurrentControlSet\Services\RpcSs\
Details: No admin in ACL

Type: Key
Object: Enum
Location: HKLM\SYSTEM\CurrentControlSet\Services\DcomLaunch\
Details: No admin in ACL

Type: Key
Object: Enum
Location: HKLM\SYSTEM\ControlSet001\Services\RpcSs\
Details: No admin in ACL

Type: Key
Object: Enum
Location: HKLM\SYSTEM\ControlSet001\Services\DcomLaunch\
Details: No admin in ACL

Type: Key
Object: NOS
Location: HKLM\SOFTWARE\
Details: No admin in ACL

Type: Key
Object: LicCtrl<0x00>lkzs$i&#&y@^t! #^$ g9^$&pgb SDB36o
Location: HKLM\SOFTWARE\LicCtrl\LicCtrl\LicCtrl\
Details: Zero char in key name

Type: Key
Object: LicCtrl<0x00>lkzs$i&#&y@^t! #^$ g9^$&pgb SDB36o
Location: HKLM\SOFTWARE\LicCtrl\LicCtrl\LicCtrl\
Details: Invisible to Win32

if you are ambivolent about appreciation and praise and feel more motivated to respond for money, feel free to offer up your knowledge or services with a price tag and i will calculate the value of the potential information you might offer against the potential that you might over-value your ability to communicate your knowledge and understanding in a way that my tech-ignorant brain could actually process and understand and maybe i would send you money for information... either way, if i actually understood what you said, you'd get much appreciation and praise...

here is an example of a simple question what is HKLM? that provided a distantly recognizable answer... apparently i assumed someone asking a similar question HKLM where and what is it? might get the answer i sought, but the responders seemed to ignore the what? and answered the where?...

it doesn't help that in my search for knowledg, i find this answer way too many times:

SSL connection error

Unable to make a secure connection to the server. This may be a problem with the server, or it may be requiring a client authentication certificate that you don't have.

and i have no clue why my various browsers are blocked (i routinely try using IE, Firefox, Chrome, and Opera and sometimes the SSL message comes up on one and not on another, rather randomly, from my limited perspective)... anyway, all i wanted was to reach this link which asked the question what does HKLM in MS stand for? which seems close enough to my question, what is HKLM? to bring hope of an answer, but the SSL issue prevented me from seeing that page... same thing happened when trying to reach this one... i wonder why and whether you might see those pages when you click on those links... it seems to happen for all the google search links suddenly just now... that is in Opera... I started this search in IE but it was blocking my search as well... ultimately, i believe i've discovered that HKLM is the name of a registry hive...

so what is a registry hive?... seems to be just a term to mean file or folder in basic information organization and yet that simplest of changing the language creates walls for those who don't have the basic translation tool that turns geek-speak into the same words that have been used for years to describe simple information organizationing systems... of course understanding the language is a far cry from knowing what to do with it...

meanwhile, almost an hour later, the deep root scan continues and still there are just the seven keys listed above in the report spybot appears to be preparing for me... which brings us to the point of this entry, or at least to one of the succinct questions, what do i do with this information? (especially the details? referring to the seven four-line intented items listed above each starting with "key")...

the deep root scan finished in 59:55 minutes and spybot provided no further information beyond that listed above... i can right click and see properties, but that tells me little i can use to make any sort of logical or educated (or safe) decisions... i could deleted these keys, but would that cause more damage than good?... in all the help information spybot provides, it does not suggest what to do with the information, the help only describes the process which is pretty obvious, a scan scans...

i am left with this useless feeling of time wasted and ignorance and frustration that the shut downs will continue at what seem to be semi-random intervals that may or may not involved overheating or battery failure...

i suppose all that is left for me to do is to keep several computers and use system restore repeatedly with one to see what happens when i delete registry keys or other files spybot or kaspersky show in their lists when they do their scans... seems like a foolish way to learn, but perhaps that is the secret to techie geekdom, the fact that nobody knows the answer and everybody relies on trial and error... and luck...

narf :)

annoying svchost

or perhaps this entry is better titled svchost annoys me... in any case, it burns out my laptop regularly, overheating it and keeping the hard disk racing and the cpu burning through data long after the computer is idle (like days sometimes) and even when the computer is supposed to be sleeping or hibernating... so i come back to use the laptop and find it is slow and overheated and definitely not ready for me... it's not enough for bill gates to own the world, he must own my little laptop too... greedy mutherfucker... or simply really poor programming, but either way, my laptop is only mine when windows svchost and other crap bill gates put on it allows me access... like i turn on my laptop and open this one notepad files to type some words and seventy five (yes, 75) processes are running willy nilly in the background throwing off massive heat and consuming up to 82% of my cpu and 60% of my ram memory, slowing even the simple use i want for the laptop... forget opening a browser, dozens more processes kick in... it's sick...

don't even get me started when kaspersky takes over and shuts the door on my computer use... just sitting here typing a few more processes started and 92% of cpu is burning and 70% of physical memory is being used... crazy...

not sleeping again

maybe it's the ernie davis story on tv that has me wired or maybe it's just a creeping loneliness that has been sneaking around my psyche all day that has me playing chess and then spades and doing anything i can to distract myself from feeling like sharing and having nobody to share with that has me still awake now when i really should be sleeping because i've got a lot of work to do tomorrow and i am still not ready to take days off the way my boss and others do because i am still setting the example i want my managers to follow and they are doing a great job of following the example of putting in the extra hours and getting the job done that the rest of the staff need to see especially the rest of this month as corporate is doing another survey and they may have messed up by not giving staff access to it so the management ratings may be low because the staff see us as screwing up even though i had little control over the survey (should have checked it if worked)... i take the job too seriously cuz it's what i do and so i am still awake and going to drink even more chocolate milk now and must remember to call the doctor in the morning because they did not renew my prescription for the medication they want me to be on for blood pressure which is even stupider because they are the ones who pushed me back on the medication and the pharmacy is telling me they are not responding to the need for a refill prescription and i am almost out of the drug and that would be bad for the body and the doctor will not be my doctor any more if this continues and that is why i don't trust the medical industry because they just don't care and i am ready to retire again so am i amuse myself with this rush of words and is it wrong to laugh at folly?...

what?...

so many entries

of the many thousands of entries (almost 6,200 in this blog alone) in the hundreds of blogs out there on the internet and many hundreds of paper books written over the years that make up what we call the written gardens, just under a hundred and fiften (150) entries are somehow selected and linked on the right sidebar and while much thought and careful reasoning went into the selection and linking of each one, it could just be as random as wanting to share more at the time or feeling like i wrote something i want to share or both converging in the moment of linkage... hundreds of other entries are no doubt more representative, more important to me, and much more worth reading... someday i hope learned editors select those, but for now, for whatever they are worth, you do have the entries i selected, however semi-randonly, linked to the right in a column of links that roll well down the page below this entry...

i mean, you might consider the last few to be quite revealing and then, they simply might be a passing mood... like the smile on a baby's face, is it gas or genuine emotional recognition leading to happiness... sometimes i wonder if anyone will ever invest the time and effort it would take to truly get to know me... less and less i believe it will happen and that used to ache with sadness because i wanted to share so much, i wanted to be known so much, but less and less do i take the possibility that it will happen seriously so more and more i accept it will not and the sadness mellows into acceptance... independent happiness remains, as does the longing to share it...

maybe you understand, or want to... your call...

narf :)

words of contradiction

that's much of what life is about for me, perhaps what everything is about, duality, but especially for me... i want to share everything and still know life is lived completely independent of each other and yet still accept the umbiquitous interdependence of everything on everything in the universe and... it is a similar dichotomy to want to share everything and not feel alone and yet be aware that each individual is always alone as the experience of life is unique to the perspective formed within an individual mind through an individual's senses... well beyond einstein and kesla and hawking's (and names you've never heard) physics you will find understanding no words can explain... stop me if you figure any of this out, or if you just want to chat about something... we can pretend to share if we want, or perhaps we can find common ground in the physical world and share in ways that allow us to create a mutually acceptible illusion of togetherness and oneness... anything is possible, we just have to want it enough to actually do it... even if it is impossible... have you found that laughter is the fool's understanding we can share yet?...

narf :)

i obviously need a friend

yup, but then again, i don't actually need a friend unless i want a human to share something meaningful and real with me or someone to at least respect me, if not understand me, or even validate me... and i am mostly ambivalent about wanting that more than half the time and without that desire, there's no need since need is simply the fulfillment of a desire... so for the moment there is some desire to share something meaningful, at least for the moment, and wouldn't mind something real or respect or even some validation (though i'd have to find a friend i actually respect first which leads to the title of this entry i suppose, even with some ambivolence that comes, i suppose again, because i have little hope of finding another human who truly understands what i experience from my perspective in this multiverse)...

so yes... my blogging has way too much complaining about people because i don't have a friend who understand how stupid most people are (and people have reached a level of stupidity that ovverides any tact or concern about being misunderstood... call me arrogant, elitist, delusional, whatever, i don't have any respect for the current intelligence, awareness, or actions of humanity at the moment so opinions beyond those from someone looking into my eyes mean nothing to me at the moment... in other words, whatever... but it would be nice to have a friend here...

lunch was low calorie hot dogs and pasta with low calorie cheeses... yours? :)

not a bad day of softball

but not a good day either... sadly, the team sucks because there are very poor team players on it and the coaches don't have control over them... last season we forfeited a couple of times and we played with less than ten players most games because people didn't show up... this season is starting off the same away and the coaches just keep asking me to not be pissed off and accept it and they'll fix it next season... we'll fix it next sason because i'll be on another team... today eight people were on time and one guy showd up just as the game started so we played the first game with nine players... the coaches rewarded the late players by letting them play in the second game... i thought about asking to sit out but that would be cutting my own nose off to spite them... on the other hand, the team is not enjoyable for me even though i went 8 for 9 with a double and a triple and we won 10-0 and 11-0 because the other two teams could not hit the ball at all... it was nice that they batted me fourth in the first game and third in the second game so my hits meant more, rather than batting my near last like they usually do... the most annoying thing besides the same guys not showing up on time is they have the worst attitudes and complain...

so what should be a great day with two great wins, two shut outs i should feel great about because i pitched well, hitting i can be very proud of, but above all else, two wins for the few players who do show up and care, instead is a mixed emotion experience once again... when six guys on a team of fourteen don't care to show up on time and then act like they have the right to compain when they do show up, it's not a fun experience... so we are 5-1 on the season because we gave away one win because we are in a league with just a few decent teams and few of the teams in the league can hit my pitching and we might qualify for the world series but we probably won't win a game if we go and that's an expensive week so i am torn... maybe we'll just blow enough games so we don't qualify... whatever... at least i got some exercise...

narf...

wanting excitement

usually i am wanting interaction, social or some other interaction (individual gaming often suffices), but tonight i am more wanting excitement... it is saturday night so there is a whole lot of excitement of a sort out there in the world, but the vast majority of it involves poisons and pretenses and macho posturing, ego trips, and competition and that is not the kind of excitement i enjoy... my exctement comes from chamicals other than testosterone and other stuff... i am into harmless pleasurable excitements that are not interested in control or power or domination or any sort of negative energies... fear of physical limits perhaps, but not fear of others sharing the excitement or any others, actually... shared positive excitement, that's the ticket... even productive excitement... creative excitement most of all...

i'm also hungry, but that's easier to satisfy...

narf :)

browsers

yeah, so it is time for a change... no more chrome, in fact, no more google... after finally having enough of google chrome, i switched over to opera... chrome just does not work with blogger (and sometimes not with youtube either) which is odd, since google owns all of those products and companies... apparently google has gotten too big for it's own good and their left hand is not working with their right hand or other parts and they lost a once loyal user... maybe i'll try google products again down the road, but for now, google doesn't work for me... actually, blogger doesn't work the way i'd like it too, too many ssl errors and other glitches, so i may leave blogger as well since google screwed that simple site up too when they bought it... and while i would like to stay away from internet explorer, the blogger site has ssl errors with opera as well, even worse than with chrome, so i may be stuck with internet explorer... i will explore firefox another time, but i stayed away from it and chose chrome over it for the same reasons, incompatibility... the early years of internet technology are sad...

maybe there is no answer after all, aye?...

narf :)

urine stinks

so dear old happiness seems to do it every time she goes away... jackson, that is... he misses mommy and loses his mind and since he's gotten older it's worse every time... so i went to take care of my care and then went to softball and was gone seven hours and before i left i walked and fed him and when i got back he was asleep and all appeared well, but i woke him to go out for a walk and instead of coming out to the front door, he peed in the hallway and on the carpet on the way to the front door and his urine is really stinkier than ever these days... i walked him again and then ate and napped because i hardly slept this week and really pushed myself during softball today (to the dizzy point)... now i need to motivate myself to clean the floor and carpet because the place stinks even worse than when i first walked in before the nap... all the laundry i planned to do has been put aside because the place smells so bad (he peed right in front of the washer and dryer)... as i mentioned earlier, i'm living the dog's life... happiness pees, i respond... happiness poops, i respond... happiness needs, i respond... the life of being responsible for a pet is wonderful in some ways, loving the animal and receiving the love back (or is that desperate neediness for food and the reward of not being yelled at for peeing and pooping indoors?)... but the responsibility is constant, there is no day off or break, a pet is a 24/7 responsibility... not a child, less to do, but still 24/7... and ultimately, for me, it is not fair to any animal to not be there most of the time and anyone who works does that, so that is why choose not to have pets...

would you like to swing on a star?...

narf :}

living the dog's life

there was a time i was retired from the working world, a few times in this life in fact... two years floating freely, then eight years (with six of those floating freely and two taking care of the family at home), then another year and a half, then another year and a half... in between those retirement i worked long hours (averaging more than sixty a week with one two year period averaging more than 80 a week with one week reaching 125 hours) and saved much dollars and but the past year and a half i am back to the long work week averaging 60 plus and this past week was about seventy five and that's not what i meant in the title, but it relates so there it remains...

what i mean is, i am often living on the dog's schedule these days, though not nearly as much as jackson does because, after all, jackson has taken care of our 16 year old puppy since before he was a year old and i've just adopted him for the last seven years or so... still, this is one of those dog's life weekends cuz jackson is away for he sister's birthday and i am home with the kids and i don't have the heart to wake the poor old guy cuz he creaks (and aches) with every step so i wait for him to wake and limp on out to let me know he has to go out... he's having fewer accidents lately, but aging is a hard road and we deal with it day by day... probably will get new carpet once he moves along out of this life, but until then, we're gonna love him with all we've got... and be patient and accommodating to his needs... i've got little time for any other life activities between work and softball and maintenance tasks (like taking the car in for service tomorrow at 7am and softball at 10am), so might as well be good to happiness while he's with us...

just getting home from the friday night softball and it was a poor showing for the home team, though at least i can be satisfied with my performance as i went 2 for 2, scored twice, and knocked in one run... we only scored five as a team though... losing sucks, but it's even worse when i personally suck and i didn't tonight so some consolation in that... love to play, win or lose, so onward we go...

and what else is new?... you? :)

always more

always something new, perhaps, even in unfiniverses where there may never be anything new ever as time and space and verses are all relative to everything creating infinite variations and therein, always something new even if we do not see or feel or find or understand the differences in whatever is from our limited perspective of four dimensions (but does our fourth dimension insure everything is always something new as it is always a different moment every moment even if we travel through time some time another time that is not this time which would be a different time even if we returned to this time it too would be a different time as we experience it for the second time {or third or fourth or fifth for that matter, aye?)...

obviously, no doubt... and in our finite understanding of the infinite, how can we not be mislead by our limited senses and fractional knowledge of everything?...

yes, you see if you do, there is always more...

narf :)

irrational fears

the science channel panders to ignorant fears so much it maybe be the most extreme misnomer on the television (though the discovery, history, and syfy channels give it a good run for the prize), such as it is... or was, once... it is an obvious commercialism of creativity by small frightened minds for small frightened minds... they still don't seem to have any original idea that is not based on some paranoid conspiracy plot based so much more on the fiction and so little hard science... they don't think a story can be simply amazing, rather they seem to believe it must be scary to have an audience...

might as well remember people who auditioned but did not make the cast of SNL like jim carrey, stephen cobert, steve carrel, lisa kudrow, pee wee herman, louis c.k., zach galifianakis, dave attell, geena davis, adam mckay, jeff ross, paul scheerkathy griffin, aubrey plaza, kevin hart, david cross, jack mcbrayer, richard belzer, robert townsend, charles rocket, john goodman, rosanne barr, barach obama, benjamin franklin, alf, and benny and the jets, or someone a lot like him... doesn't it make you feel a little funny inside?... which feeling inside?... this feeling inside?... not one of those... who?...

NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER, AND CLICK ON THESE LINKS, DANGIT!
link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link
(there must be some way out of here, ya think?)
narf :)

musical influences (not really)

maybe sorta, a little... anyway, there was this entry first (reading in the order of the lyrical inspirations) and then there was this entry second (if you want to see the progression in real time) and then there was this entry third (and if you click on the three entries and read them in order then you might start beginning to understand a part of the wonder of you)... or perhaps it's just whatever cuz in the end you make of everything what you want it to be anyway cuz that's the nature of being human at this point in the timeline of the development of the species, or something like that...

listening to some new music tonight (oh really?) not really, cuz the links linked within didn't work much so i might say i read about new music tonight and listened to to mostly in my mind (where it is heard best anyway, right?)...

meanwhile, it just doesn't seem to matter to cdbaby that i want to buy some cds on their site as they have not responded to my passowrd reset request so i close the browser and let go of the dream of listening to a dozen or so new cds... saved almost $200 thanks to cdbaby not responding in time to prevent them from timing out my cart though, so thanks for nothing cdbaby, i will spend my money elsewhere...

UNTIL THEN, CLICK ON THESE LINKS, DANGIT!
link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link
(persistent little bugger, ain't i?)

mind games together again

see cuz sometimes ain't no stopping us now is the motto of the babbler and peanut gallery and word players in the head cuz the rivers belong where they can ramble and eagles belong where they can fly and i've gotta be me... where my spirit can run free... in my own corner of the sky, or internet, in this case... it's a simple proposition, just do it... what? (don't let it bring you down... as i wait for cdbaby to reset my password... tic. tic. tic)... and that (what came before the cdbaby wait), for the populus living within my mind, means playing those (or these) mind games together again (and take it to the limit one more time, again, one more time)... don't be afraid, love's plans are made, oh don't be afraid... are we gonna be saved by the music again?... everybody cheer (the bigger the cheesy grin, the better)...

CLICK THESE LINKS ALREADY, DANGIT!
link link link link link link link
(persistent little bugger, ain't i?)

later that night

what night?... which night?... last night, tomorrow night, the other night, tonight, some time later whatever night it may have been, this entry might have been written for reasons you will find here, there, or anywhere (or not, even) and if you don't, well, you might just have to ask if you really want to know (which is what life is all about, actually, wait, you thought it was about macadamia nuts?)... no, i'll tell you what it's all about... just like... what?... maybe we ought to just start again...

yeah, well, this was news once... this one could have been popular (contender?)... important news... if i left it on the front shelf longer but you don't have to believe me, see for yourself and decide for yourself cuz you've got decisions in you and you've gotta use them before their expiration date if you want them (and you) to mean anything and that is what life is about and you are living your life right now, ya hear?...

stop me when you think you understand...

narf :)

maniacs unite!

in my head i am still the maniac from flashdance but there are doubters about whether my heart would survive another session like that (hush, words have powers, ya know?... thoughts too... maybe... keep thinking those invulnerable immortal thoughts and since i am gonna live forever and we will see how true it is, aye?)... maybe it can be interpreted by spinning wheels as when i die, and when i'm gone, there'll be one more child in this world to carry on... or maybe that's wishful thinking from yet another a soon to be extinct species)... whatcha gonna do about it?...

don't give up on us baby...

narf :)

mac people don't like me

as you see on the chart just over to the left there, we have definitive proof that mac people don't like me... just because i choose not to spend twice as much as i need to on computers and accessories and sometimes question the ethics of using chinese slave labor to increase profits to billions and ignore the likelihood that 80% of the items in my life are made by similar corporate slaves... or maybe they have taste... next you'll find yourself taking a trip down the rabbit hole or something... everybody's got an opinion, after all... like this or that... or mine, even...

narf :)

fear

humans have such a futile fear of death that dominates them to the point of maudlain distraction so life becomes a depressed mourning or irrational panic instead of the celebration it can be... maybe that is why the culture developed as it did with most waking hours so busy with distraction called work so the fears and panic and depression don't push the self-destruction buttons in our nature... movies seem to love to portray the irrational fears (and knowing is a good example) and actions people take when faced with their fears of the unknown... and of course there is always the gun, as if a gun can protect them from anything... but the fears block the understanding, fear shrinks the mind and limits the ability to understand to the point of creating delusions that comfort on the surface (as long as no one challenges the delusions) because the unknown (or the possibility that life and consciousness is finite and there is no purpose for anything) is just too scary to accept as reality... what if we were fearless?...

everything is all a matter of perspective, after all...

random?...

narf :)

fell asleep temporarily

i was out good too, dreamily good, then jackson got home and woke me... she meant well but was going to get paperwork done so i am not sure why she woke me... it reminded me of the softball frustration from earlier today so i told her about it which woke me more and then i got hungry so i ate some more and here we are hours later and jackson's asleep and i am watching tapping keys and glancing up at knowing for the second time... i suppose it would be nice if there were some beings somewhere who would save species before they went instinct but obviously there are not since we've let many species go instinct and nobody saved them unless you want to believe they were scooped up and put on another planet or plane somewhere... meanwhile, the pc of career kills the youtube star like video killed the video star... exclusive contracts, you know... and i really should be sleeping...

it's actually hours later than it appears...

narf :)

softball egos

it gets ridiculous at times when male testosterone blinds a person to the stupidity it can create... once again, half the team showed up late to a game and they didn't listen to the coach and they blew the game pathetically throwing the ball around giving extra bases and runs and dropping balls that were easy outs... we lost by one run in extra innings because people were out of position, not listening, and not trying... and then we played a second game... the coach had a game with his team so the assistant coach and i took over the coaching and everyone was listening a little better mostly because i call them out during the game which gets their attention, but a few just don't seem to understand the fundamentals (like not swinging at the first pitch after a pitcher walks two batters in a row without throwing a strike or where to play in the field based on the batter)... and came the last inning and i decided to move the outfielders where i knew they should be based on the batter's strengths and weaknesses and the pitches i intended to throw and the most negative argumentative guy on the team called out from the outfield that i should worry about pitching and leave the outfield alone... the same outfield that blew the first game and made a few errors every inning...

after the game the assistant coach gathered the team and was about to talk about next week when the guy said we need to talk about the coaching in a very negative tone and started blaming the coaching for the loss... and the assistant coach anyone who doesn't like the coaches can move to another team and i said losers blame coaches for losing, winners listen to and learn from their coaches... and i walked away, found the coach, and told the coach that this would be my last season with the team and i will be looking for another team to play with next season... the coach asked what happened, i told him, and he said he was fed up with that guy as he's given the coach some unreasonable ultimatums and speaks badly about the coaches and team too often and there was an easy fix, he would be gone... we shall see what happens next week, but i am ready to move on as there is always one or two guys who just don't get it and undermine the rest of the team and we shall see if i have the power to cut them because i am done with the negativity and refusal to learn softball fundamentals...

anyway, in the second game, the outfield did move where i told them to move and the ball was hit right to the spot i told them it would go and we won...

not a fun day, but hopefully next week will be better...

words online

well you have plenty of reading if you like and are interested and there is a lot more than that including old blogs that found some new words as well as some of the newer blogs that lead me to be optimistic and hopeful that dreams really still do come true... but the words are not just all about me after all... visiting livejournal and diaryland i found two old friends (at least i enjoy reading them years ago) with some 2015 news that inspired a big smile... there are plenty more links in the previous entries too...

words online, we are words online and words online linger... i'd like to hear from you too... and they matter as much as we want them to... and they mean as much as we want them to... words matter to me... words mean a lot to me... how about you?...

meanwhile, life goes on...

narf :)

food and weight

the weight loss program stalled this week because i let my carb craving wake up and ate pasta a cheese a few times and i am still not increasing daily exercise, so what can we expect... still in the 190s though, so we can be happy that the weight is not going up... dinner earlier was a near pureed spread made of salmon, clams, chicken, onions, spices, fat free thousand island dressing, mayonnaise, and fat free cheddar cheese... dessert was nuts and chocolate milk made with 50% crushed ice, stevia, cocoa, and some chocolate syrup (forgot the vanilla)... probably more calories than i burned today because i didn't exercise but not more than 1500 calories and likelt closer to 1200 calories but i still feel bloated so the answer, my friends, is not blowing in the wind or even blowing into the wind, but rather exercising more, burning more calories than consumed... that way the weight loss desired will continue and the body will be faster, healthier, and easier to manage (and better at softball and other sports, though exercise to prevent muscle loss is essential to that healthy and effective weight loss)...

change of plans

this morning i woke all charged to babble on some more and then jackson wanted to watch some dvred shows so we watched and that distracted me from the writing mood and then i ate and napped and walked happiness a few times and read a bunch of old entries i will not insert with their given categorical references as memories back them as such: intro, origins, privacy, work, beggining, why mostly dead, deeper, heartbeats, origins, philosophy just as they were found in the decade old live journals i visited this morning as if i left them there as an unexpected promise or something like that...

so now we have plenty of reading material right there (in case you wondered) but as if that is not enough i further link the writing that was inspired by whatever last night as i worked on waiting for the laptop to be scanned and cleaned up (or something like that) and what once might have been one long babbling entry became one two three four five parts in the old babbling place that came before this current blog some years ago...

feel free to report on your findings and what you did today...

narf :)

all you have to do

imagine if you will the moody blues singing remember me, my friend as we listen together within our minds... distance separates our bodies, but the music puts our minds in the same head space... can you be here with me?... all it takes is letting go of fear and opening yourself to your imagination and then, simply wanting to share... you can let me know, if you do, when you do... but if you do, then we are already there...

yeah, that's it... the secret to life, the universe, and everything... 42... the answer... and you can pretend you do not know and never knew and you can get away with that because that is the norm and the norm for the majority creates the illusion of truth accepted as truth by the majority and therein, by the culture of the time and you live in the culture of the time and you can find comfort in the conformity and sense of shared acceptance of the current truth no matter how wrong it might be because the sense of belonging to the majority overrides logic and rational thinking in most humans of the time...

are you there yet?...

narf :)