it's about hope

yup, or as one of my friends from work would say, yeeuuuupp, after all is said and done... after all the bitching and moaning and crying and whining and complaining and depressing perspectives, the process continues because there is always hope... there is always hope because even when there seems to be no hope left at all, i hope there is always hope so there is always hope...

the process of writing, of thinking, of feeling... thinking even when thoughts hurt... feeling even when it feels like nobody cares... waking up and facing another day of challenges... and breathing, just breathing, when it seems pointless... no matter how bad it feels (or gets), there is always hope... hope keeps me moving, even when every part of me wants to lay down and die... hope keeps me doing what i love to do, helping others, even when i feel (or am) used and abused... hope keeps me alive... hope for love, for sharing, for caring, for being cared about... hope for sharing peace and happiness and honest love...

these words should be more profound, more meaningful, more powerful...

hope deserves that...

yup :)

sunday morning sunshine?

i disappear sometimes, just like everybody else... ah, the reference to harry aside, everybody does from time to time... i refer to going silent, shutting down, withdrawing from social interactions, closing the door and staying inside...

whether it is disengaging from an online community like facebook or any website communication tool or becoming withdrawn in the physical world by not going out as much or not calling people or less, no reaching out at all, everybody does it from time to time to different degrees... and different people have very different reasons for disappearing or becoming as bob from what about bob? would say, temporarily disconnected... for me, it's a feeling of wtf?... even more to the point, wtp? as in what's the point?...

like am i reaching anybody by reaching out?... is my attempting to share worth anything outside of the release of thoughts it provides for me?...

these questions call out louder when i receive no feedback, but still, even in the face (book and not book, or blog even) of lack of enthusiasm, appreciation, or recognition... even in the event of rejection or being ignored... even in the circumstance of conflict or hostility, i generally continue to share on and offline... i will withdraw from offline sharing faster than online sharing, but i still continue to attempt to share and when i do pause, it is seldom for more than a few days... and i just about always want to catch up when i return...

these days, living with a best-friend roommate insures i don't withdraw much from the offline sharing even as i turn down some social opportunities to enjoy others because i am not as eager to rush from one group to another as i once was (or am i just choosing change, either way, i still go out the play)... and having an addiction to daily public writing (you're looking at it, aye?) keeps me sharing words on the internet even when nobody seems to notice or care to share (based on lack of response)... but even with the opportunities to share offline and the addiction to hopeful attempted sharing online, i pull back and stop reaching out now and then too...

today i ask myself why...

and my primary trigger, button, motivation to close up and go silent is feeling like i am wasting my time which comes from a feeling of being ignored, mostly... and ultimately that feeling comes when my inner hope for sharing diminishes and the reality of my sitting out in public mostly (or quite, even) naked leads me to wonder if putting myself out here, there, or anywhere and putting energy into reaching out on the hope of sharing is worth it...

is it getting me what i want?... well, sort of and sometimes... but not all i want (sharing) and not some essential things i want in life, like more sharing, daily sharing of words, and then offline - more eye-contact sharing, and more sharing close-personal-intimate sharing... and so then i ask - can i be doing other things that will get me what i want?... and the answer is yes, so i wander away from the habits of reaching out into silence and try other things like going out more...

but the writing always calls me back and the hope of sharing words always calls me back just like the giving in life always happens even when i am giving so much that i am hurting myself by giving too much... it's just what i do, what gives me a self of doing my best to be the best i can be and that, in spite of the drawbacks and potential for pain or loss, makes me happier than any other way i've tried, yes, even with the occasional hurts...

so i explore here, not for the first time i suppose, why i disappear... it gives me something to say, something to share here... some introspection comes when interaction pauses because, after all, who else do i have around to talk to? :}

hopefully i am not wasting my time and the words i leave here today do not make the words i left here on previous days worthless and ignored, but that is life and it's no different anywhere... this is just another place to put words, be it my primary daily place at the moment, in the hope that you will share... and when you are not sharing, just reading, yeah you - old friends and first time readers, you too, i continue writing to a void... i know there is a chance you are reading and might respond... i don't know if you actually read all the words cuz sometimes i write a dozen or more entries before you pop back in the respond to the most recent one, but i know there is a chance, a hope that you are reading and it matters and has worth...

so rather than let the am i being ignored again? and feeling of wasting my time get to me, i continue... it is not always easy to continue into a void... today, this self-analysis is helping me continue... and my hope that you understand continues... and my hope that you will respond acknowledging me and showing some understanding continues...

so in the end, it is largely about hope for sharing for me... why i disappear?... hope weakens and allows selfishness to grow and self-worth to go elsewhere for food... and why i continue?... it is hope for more sharing, caring, being well, being aware, and responses that might confirm understanding, connection, sharing... i find ways to keep hope alive because hope is my inspiration... whatever your inspiration is - i hope you find your ways to keep it alive too...

ta da, a sermon for a sunday morning, aye? :)

thank you cubbies

yes, even in the struggle to survive the gift i personally received tonight is the inspiration to reach deep inside for the babbler who is proving beyond the shadow of a down that babbling is still alive and well in the windmills of the mind containing the being i used to know as me and there is the greatest gift of all, the hope that i still exist somewhere inside amidst the disappointments and betrayals and cruel tortures life has offers (and i certainly aceepted, diving in head first to try to find proof that unconditional trust reallt does exist outside of me and all i found so far is a whole lot of pain and evidence to the contrary but never give up never surrender never say die and always hope cuz there's always hope cuz i hope there is always hope and believe anything is possible (yes, not just in cartoons) so here we are going into the ninth inning feeling stronger than ever in the belief in all the positivity i ever knew and created and shared and this latest explosion of the right stuff is inspired by and brought to us by the madness and genius (and superheroness) in the brain that contains the mind that contains the being i know as me and yes, by the cubbies...

yay for jackson for bringing me to the cubbies and yay for the cubbies for bring me here...

narf :)

and the roller coaster ride just keeps on rolling

it's a roller coaster of emotion in this life, always has been, but for me, it's so many more highs than lows, even though the lows have bottomed out with betrayals of trust that stole everything i owned at least four times, once that literally left me on the street homeless with nothing but $4, jeans, a t-shirt, socks and sneakers and yet, even on days and nights of sleeping in parks or shelters, there were precious joys found inside and around me because that has been my ways as long as i can remember... it's just the perspective i chose when i was very young, simply, to me, a decision... be happy... enjoy myself... and maybe most of all, live in the moment cuz in most moments, there are amusements and wonders and beautiful things to be found... just have to be open to them and want t be happy, enjoy myself, and there they are...

that's why is is so challenging for me to understand how someone lets depression to overwhelm them so completely they see no way out but hurting themselves or someone else or worse, ending a life... and while my empathy can experience such depths of depression that i can curl up and give up on everything for a few days or longer, it just doesn't last because i find amusements in the simplest things within myself and this life experience... why anyone would give up that awareness so completely that they give up on life simply makes no sense to me... maybe it is because i usually can distinguish between rational and irrational thought and i never bought into the crutches and helplessness of accepting without question all the delusions and suicidal tendencies most humans seem to belief to be truth and right... and maybe it's as simple as no matter what, i know everything changes and at any moment, there is always hope of something good happening...

so sometimes all i can do is sigh when those i know and care about see no way out of their sadness and helplessness and hopelessness... hope is the last chance of possibilities... and maybe, in the end, it is simply that i choose a delusion in which there is always hope... always love... always something to smile about... no matter what happens, no matter what anyone says, for me, it has always be a choice...

i wish i knew someone who chose this too...

sigh...

interesting (not really) drama

maybe it's not interesting because nobody really cares about it but me (and i refer to the active in-physical-space sharing caring that makes caring a real verb/action and not just the few kind words most people share daily or every few days or even longer apart... so i lament the absence of people in the daily spaces who truly want to know and care about me and my drama, feelings, hopes, dreams, thoughts, ideas, and so on... at least i still have some real daily moment-to-moment value to myself...

odd misunderstanding with the guy jackson gave the softball team to (not sure when or how, actually, as he wouldn't have been the one i'd have chosen based on his running the last team we were both on when he basically dropped her from the team and sort of nudged me out too, but probably she didn't think it through like many things at this end in her relocation... she's still family though, so love love love, ya know?... and does always want to see the rose-colored best side of everything and everyone, even when it hurts her)... anyway, the rain came and cleaned up the misunderstanding and sure enough, i was the only one at the field and texted everyone, so i am not exactly sure, oh, nevermind... sometimes the drama really does get tiresome...

so still dealing with the all too clear fact that the sudden disappearance of jackson and happiness from my daily life has been more challenging and unpleasant than i wanted it to be because, after all, i went from daily conversations and meals and living together and needing each other and sharing mostly everything to nothing, at least at my end, a quiet empty space devoid of any sharing or caring (not to mention the clutter and work needed around here that i ignore)... i did not prepare for this suddenness (and she didn't have to as she moved to a built in daily support system in her new home and life)... but none of this is her fault, she needed to do what she did and she is too busy to share as we did and doesn't need me around (if only to take care of happiness) every day as she did just two weeks ago... so find a new person or people to share daily life with and trust it'll mean something more to them in daily life...

wah wah wah, huh?... well, not really... the weekend was much fun, even with the disappointment, let down, betrayal, and feelings of abandonment... people are people, after all... and i'll be me and continue to love them unconditionally and be here for them as much as possible (which is much more possible than anyone else i've ever met cuz, well, it is... not sure why it's not for them)... caring is what i do, full time... slipping in recent years, especially when it comes to caring about myself and this body, but there's always hope...

hope there's always hope for you too :)

methods, madness, and magic

the method to my madness has always been magical ever since i could remember (and my memory is timeless, so it must go back an unbelievably long way) cuz i want to and therefore will continue believing the cubs can somehow suddenly wake up and find their confidence and come back and win this game and the series and the next series too and not just cuz it's been predicted by some writer in some movie for the almost ridiculously unpredictability of it but the odds that they still have not won it all since that prediction in that movie (of course i refer to the back to the future series and the prediction that the cub won the world series in 2015) is almost as unlikely as not winning it all for 107 years from a statistical standpoint (math nerds unite!) and there is no way to give up in the mindset and perspective i somehow found in the brain that contains the mind that contains the being that i know as me and that leads to hope that there is always hope so there is always hope because it is a self-perpetuating cycle whether it is prophesy or fantasy or destiny or a simple decision that makes it reality that is the method to the magic that merges madness with genius or something like that...

uh-huh, yup, alright...

narf :)

oh so slowly

so the most attractive person (for me) that i am close to in real life these days talks me into heading out tonight to a trivia night and her influence wakes me enough to head out for the first run since jackson left (details here) which means (all together now) there's always hope (i hope)... yes, i did say attractive person (he's not dead yet, aye?... what?)...

oh go ahead, mock me, you won't be the first... i am always the first... nyuk nyuk... or is that a rim shot?... badumba... yeah, so my best friend (did she know she was my best friend?... was i her best friend?... my answers are, in particular order, i don't know, and i don't think so... but there's always hope, right?... what was i saying?)... oh yeah, so my best friend moved far away and i'm feeling lonely and wondering if it's time to actually consider a relationship as in a real-ationship as in an intimate coupling without clothing, or at least cuddling...

who the heck reads this, anyway?...

yeah, fun night :)

for jackson

i don't think you have been here and i don't know if you'd tell me if you ever read the words i leave in this place... it is not always pretty but neither of us are perfect and the best we can do is share the smile on each other's face... i know you care and try to be kind and you know i care and do the same and i know it's challenging for you because it's so one sided in some ways, especially finacially, and i know it's not the wisest thing i can do to give so much to you, but you need the help and i love helping so it's a win-win for the moment and there's always hope it will balance out in the end (hope you win the lottery, hope you share that laugh with me, hope one day that we can be, as serious with honesty, as we really want to be) and i know you appreciate me much more than you can show or say so please feel good cuz you help me feel good and i want you to know (hear the music play?) i am trying to tell you in my own babbling way that i wish you a beautiful wonderful warm and fuzzy seriously loved happy happy birthday...

happy birthday jackson
you are my family
and whatever i mean to you, you should know
you probably mean more to me
odds are you've got more years than i have left
and more people in your friends and family tree
so i don't expect you to always have time
but i want you to know as long as i live
you can call on me, you can count on me
you're my family
and today in my way i just want to say
happy happy happy birthday
happy happy every day

there's always hope...

Yes, we recently declared The End of an Era. Yes, this (e)thereal blog officially came to a point of semi-closure and a moment of moving on some time back. But did you think I was really gone?... did you think our time together was really over?... is the fool on the hill ever really done?... there is so much more to explore if you want it... there's always hope, ya know?).

Not only are there many dozens of entries left in progress in the notepad scribbles that may be pre-dated and uploaded as if they were always here somday (time is relative, after all), but just as is the case with all the previous dailies (and almost all other blogs and spaces in the written gardens), In keeping with the history (of course I should be sleeping) and traditions (in the bios) of self-inquiry (and creating me) and life (the early years) of the old world (like a fool in the chill) left behind (from the beginning) in this blogging life (and these blogging lives) from the early (behind the candoor) babbles (in The Real(TM)) and rhymes (from planet candora) and fundamental (the funda know) transition (bullsugar) into the last daily (in (e)thereal splendor) with the flurry of others (opinions and complaints) not withstanding in these written gardens, this blog shall find entries uploaded whenever the whim might lead me here (so have no fear as the long strange trip down the long and winding road will continue wherever it may lead just as the song never ends.

Follow the links and you shall find
the never ending story of my heart and mind
if you care and share, be so inclined
and you will never be left behind

I may not always be like a hurricane, but here I am :)

the first week of december

hope you have or will read music helps me remember you because i don't want you to miss the words that are meant to remind you that i care about you and i want you to know i love hearing from you even if it's once in a blue moon or less... see, contrary to what most babbling self-indulgent meanderings might seem to suggest, might it's not only about writing to myself here, ya know?... some of you i have not heard from in years, some even longer... please know you are not just always welcome, but i want to know how you are, what you do, and what's happening in your world no matter what is happening... i want you to remember this even though i don't say it all the time :)

some music helps me remember the heart still beating inside of me, the experiences and dreams of love past and hope for more... and this first week of december used to be a time i would devote to my heart, to remembering, to feeling all i can feel from the hope of euphoria to dreams of sharing everything and true love to the losses that will always remain as hope for some form of connection, not returning to the way it was, but at least keeping in touch with the way it is today... love is forever, after all... there is no one i have ever loved who is not very much a part of my heart today and there is always desire to know how past lovers and friends are today... this is the way of honest love... hoping for the best, for happiness and healthiness and a wonderful memory... but however it is, i still care and i still want to know...

so the first week used to be a time of deep emotion... a time of mourning and a time of healing... a time to cry the tears of missing friends and remembering the good times... a time of rejoicing in the ability to remember and the desire to remember well... a time to remember peace of mind and hope for one more smile that says peace of mind is shared... a time for reaching out to say - i love you and hope all is well today...

the first week of december was the annual catharsis... and over the years, especially recent years, working and lack of interest and lack of contact from those who knew me along the way in this life, the old friends who are connective tissue for memory and creativity and growth and life itself... this year, because it was supposed to happen this year (somewhere in writings decades ago i said so), it is happening even without anyone providing connective tissue and yay for the independent child who does it no matter what... the child who goes it alone if that's how it must be (<-- sing along :)


the first week of december i remember the child...

every now and then

amidst the structures, challenges, and distractions of life there is always hope in my mind that the most precious dreams will one day come true and that is why i will, in spite of the somewhat more official the end having already happened (though if you are reading this blog chronologically, you ought to know time/date stamps are quite relative by now and you can stop scratching your head... unless, of course, it itches), return here now and then to wake the sleeping masses of page viewers (and you and anyone who follows the links to their natural conclusions, wherever that might be) and stimulate the statistics that provide some data that encourages the illusion of popularity that provides fuel for the hope delusion in my mind...

or something like that (at least we can still find me laughing at myself without you, at least until you let me know you are there... always hope, remember?)... I am still writing daily, now and then more than ever, in case it matters...

you are missed :)

always hope

it's been a long time since i sat up all night vegetating in front of the tv like this (the like this part includes being naked and writing) but it was time to take a stab at feeling and dealing with the loneliness and disatisfactions with people and trying to find the words that explain what i want most from someone who might want to be with me... or at least be a true best friend (who understands that?)...

meanwhile, yummy food and snacks and just a bit of caffiene instead of a gallon tonight, so a change for the healthy even as i pig out... and there was emo on tv and tears and sniff sniff and wanting more than usual and hunger more than usual and who knows, maybe i'll actually look for someone to love (like the queen song?)... seriously?... well, closer than i've been in a decade or more... more... it would be nice to find someone who wanted to actually be my best friend in the daily life (e)thereal physical world... and if she was adorable to my eyes and attractive to my libido and interwoven in my mind (or would truly want to help me find the one who is, that would be a really sweet bonus, ya know :)

there's always hope (i hope :)

there's always hope

the hope of the writing, of the sharing, through all the babble - the hope that someone enjoys it. someone understands why i do it and even, someone will someday find it irresistible... even the repetition... all this silliness, irreverence, double entendre... all the distractions and fantasies, the faux-shock value self-mockery and shock value attention seeking and the stuff of wet dreams, and even the goofy gushy mushy romantic gazes... somebody loves it... and that's hope, that somebody, the one who's gonna come along and play along and sing along and dance along and wonder along with me someday... somewhere... there's a place for us...

wait, lol lam after hold me accountable in the previous entry?... and does anyone ask (wanting the answer) accountable to what?... to being, seriously being who we are...

and it's not just a movie, not just a fantasy, not just a blog, once it is shared by someone... it is a life, actualized, a life shared, a life made real... this is the one most serious... this is the bottom line behind all the writing and uploading of entries, the bottom line behind all the words, the hope of sharing...

and the hope of love...

yes, ok, sleep

there really is a switch less in my head than in the normal human head which is why i often do not claim to be human... it may be a throwback to some neaderthal or other sapien species or an evolutionary leap into a new nocturnal species of vertebrate that is intended to sleep during some of the light and wake as the dark comes and intensify as it deepens into the night... perhaps it is a strain of...

of come on, do we really want to get into the vampire werewolf saga?... could just be part loris, no doubt... oh, take your pick... and keep in mind that's just a partial list, after all, i could be a plant... nocturnality is just a way of life...

actually, i do not think i am pure nocturnal, as in crepuscular, though i definitely prefer the night most of the time... i am, most likely, cathemeral as i do have an appreciation for the day... there was a time i would bake in the sun much like a lizard... but scientists could study me for eons (or ions, even) and not understand the simplicity of my way... scientists must take care with their curiosity, after all, for we never know what will kills us all...

not me, i hope, and there is always hope someone will understand me... but for now, i showered and feel much better... unfortunately, more awake as i stimulated the brain... i should have taken that nap i intended to take yesterday, but alas, i did not... so happiness waking me way early (for me) and now i've been awake umpteen hours, maybe more, and knowing i must wake in a bit over four hours suggests wisdom should take over the brain and put me to sleep...

paging wisdom, paging wisdom mctooth...

nite nite (there's always hope)... '

narf :)

perspective (everywhere always)

it was nice for jenna to visit on xmas and provide the illusion she is... she is so adorable and raises hope in me for believing the innocent infinite sharing i seek is still possible in this world... to overcome all fears and be totally aware... to gaze into eyes like those, like mine, for hours, to breath the same air, to sleep the same sleep, the love the same love... honest love... to actualize the unconditional trust... to believe that someone who moves me to dream again will appear and life will begin as it never has been before... and the few who know how close it gets, the few who almost got there with me (alas, if only there were not so many distractions, baggages, and other priorities in the way), you may still remember and understand... listening to this soundtrack almost randomly, but then, is anything truly random?... or is everything?... we can make connections anywhere out of anything, after all... from the previous entry to the beginning of time (or end, for that matter), we make everything what it is with our perspective...

someone to love
someone to love me
honest love
endless love
all i want to see
in this life
and everywhere always

someone to love
someone to love me
completely
openly
honestly
in this life
and everywhere always

someone to love
to share everything
this is my illusion
my dream, my promise
and my reality
in this life

and when the music plays
i remember
everywhere always
love's everywhere always
and all we have to do
is be open to it
and it will shine through
and we can do it

someone to love
someone to love me
someone who stays
in this life
and everywhere always

i promised myself i wouldn't give up and when i find myself (when i am not lost in the busy business of worklife and helping others), i remember i do not break promises... they may fall asleep for a while, they may be lost in the distance of being out of touch, but they remain alive and well inside waiting for the reconnection... your promise is right here waiting for you... as is mine... hope we reconnect soon while our bodies still breath... and still, with all i am, hope my dream comes true...

nite nite :)

what do you think?

am i really as clever as i think i am?... are the words amusing?... enticing?... irresistible?... ever?... sometimes?... once in a while?... never more than dull repetitive blah blah blah?... oh dear, i hope not the latter... and while ego and heart (yes my heart, maria, yes my heart) would love it if the words were always meaningful and irresistible and almost often amusing and clever, i hope that they might be at least sometimes... i mean, not just silly craig ferguson flirty, but brilliant and meaningful compassion and passion that, through the honesty of heart and expression of love and hope, touches (melts?) your heart and inspires you to like me, ya know, like really like me (thank you sally fields)...

someone, at least one someone, is the one who will find my playful banter so seduction, so meaningful, so connected with her own mind and heart and sense of humor that these words, these words that may be silly and meaningless and even flat out stupid to some if not all others, will bring us together to live happily ever after...

and that is why i write so much, ya see...

there's always hope :)

i want junk food

i may be starting to actually understand how cubs fans feel but there is no way i actually could understand how cubs fans feel and i really don't think i want to because at this moment i really don't want to feel more pain than i am feeling and maybe not wanting to feel any more pain than i am feeling is a slightly tiny slice of proof that i might slightly have some slight idea of how cubs fans feel even though there is most likely no logical way i really actually could understand how cubs fans feel because this really sucks and the top of the first inning is not even over yet but there must be some amazingly hopeless hopeful sense of hope in cubs fans and i've always been the most hopelessly hopeful person i've ever known (see previous entry, perhaps) so maybe the one is a vubs fan (and it is so very wrong to be laughing right now as the young players on the cubs simply self-destruct like i've never seen a team self-destruct before and i so hope they bust out of it before this game is over and if they don't i so hope they can leave this series behind and rediscover the innocent hopefulness and confidence they had (that may have simply burned out} as they dominated the two teams in baseball with best records in baseball this year just to get to this point to be one of the four teams left still alive with a chance to win it all) cuz there's always hope (right?)...

gotta believe is an ironically bipolar feeling at the moment...

narf :}

who are we?

who are you, dear stranger, who comes to read my words
who are you, dear reader, and do i come off absurd?
my pleading, my calling, for someone who can love
is not just a falling, or something i dream of
nor is it delusion meant for someone above

you are real to me - more real than you appear
i want you to know i love you for being here
i want you to know that i care
and i hope you care
from facebook i know one of you who stop by here with some regularity... from other older blogs and comments i know a few more and i thank you for somehow finding your way here to read these babbling brooks, minimalistic as they are compared to the babble once presented in these, my online written gardens... it is a week of memories which lead to vulnerabilities (and those vulnerabilities are aided by the lack of income that starts in a couple of weeks, not to mention the time of year) and i hope the fragility and manic repository of emo has not pushed away the rational minds of reason and positivity that i wish to attract in my meanderings online... there is always hope, aye? :)

i wonder if there are others who remain silent and why you find your way here... what worth is in this gush of words for you?... is there any more than the simple gift of distraction that i often find reading words (or listening to music or watching tv)?... are there deeper connections, inspirations, and at least occasionally, value that you actually can take away personally and build on in your daily life?...

curiosity is insatiable still in my mind, even though it has been ignored for quite some time... i hope the words i share here are worth more than the release and hope they are to me... and no matter what reason or rhyme brings you here, i thank you for reading...

what the fuck?

i feel like singing hey hey johnny and vincent (sigh) and even candle in the wind (sigh) all at once (yeah, a lot of links and who has time to do it all, right?... there's always hope someone does, ya know) as i wish i knew him (sigh) before he was gone...

nothing makes sense when someone with a mind that ran amuck on so many levels could give up on life without making some profound point everything and anyone could understand, at least a little... perhaps those closest are hiding his message ((sigh) for some reason they believe more important than the message itself... or perhaps his brilliant mind simply gave out on him... anything can happen, i thought he knew, could he have forgotten?... i hope i never do... anything can happen, so why go away and miss what might happen... when tomorrow is today... tomorrow, tomorrow, always becomes today... and never ever ever ever give up on today... through every illusion, i hope and wish i will always remember giving up is just not my way...

being alone is not the final end, it is, as is every ending, just another beginning...

i know that the risk of sharing the illusion that we are not alone is the other person stops sharing it... so why share it?... because it is amazing when it happens... the most beautiful illusion we can share... and when it stops, it may be the saddest moment we create for ourselves... to experience the illusion fully, we must forget it is an illusion... but in forgetting, we forget that loneliness is the result of forgetting and our reaction could be catastrophic hopelessness and even giving up...

and so, apparently, he did... and those closest let him...

it will take some time... some music... some tears... some time... to get back to the laughter, maybe not years, but some time... for reality, what a concept was funny... but suicide, what a concept... is not... the saddest thing is that he may have said it himself as he (irony) made this illusion within an illusion all too real...

and all that's left to wonder now is what dreams may come?...

this explains it

well, maybe... it explains something, anyway... i wrote this to an old friend who used to share intimate correspondence for a couple of years and also intimate daily life in physical space for a couple of years cuz i was feeling lonely and wanted to explore why i write so much...

last year after the job suddenly was pulled out from under me in june i started writing more often in (e)thereal partly because i had much more time and partly because i was lonelier and hope for some sort of meaningful connection and correspondence might happen and partly because i saw the statistics for that blog suddenly going up for no apparent reason and ego loves the numbers that suggest popularity even though they are just robots scanning the web and not real people... also, around that time, i started a half dozen other blogs with the idea that one of them might become a new daily blog and the others would keep the daily blog and (e)thereal from being flooded with the whining and complaining and poor-me craps that comes out most every day between the optimistic hopefulness...

and the flood of entries, sometimes a dozen a day or more, continued increasing through the year and into this new year... now that you have found your way back, i realize that part of the flood of entries was inspired by my dream of sharing everything with the one or someone or anyone who cares and the little kid was setting up me being able to say ha ha look at all you've missed and also, i dare you to try to catch up on all this even beyond (e)thereal lololol so i can at once feel the hope that someone might and simultaneously feel the despair that nobody ever will... since you are one of the caring who knows the dreams, you remind me of this sneaky motivation to continue flooding the web with mundane details and irreverent bits of this, that, and whatever, including me...

but still, the primary motivation is to stay in touch with myself and the hope that someone will share more, like share life every day, and i did not think i would continue as long as i have, but it's still going... this week, however, i find some slacking and less motivation to flood an entry every hour or even every two... these lulls have come and gone before during the rather manic writing phase and the inevitable question of worth rises as i ponder the why and what's the point? and even the am i hurting or helping my chances of finding friends and the one by being so openly babbly and vulnerable and ridiculous and irreverent and obscure and silly and emo out here?...

of course the critical worth, like can any of this, properly edited, sell? also rises during these mini-lulls, but someday my editor (and princess and exercise partner and lover and music partner and all the rest will come, right) will come and we'll find the wealth in the babble and live happily ever after on the income from my babbling and his/her editing process... but this is not high on the list of why i write so much or questions of worth and such...

anyway, in past entries i touched upon the sadness and challenge of aging and the loneliness of not sharing daily life as much as i'd like to... jackson isn't home as much, totally understandably and right cuz she's in love, so the loneliness increased over the past month or two... or few... the not playing softball increased it even more in the last few weeks... and yet, i am settled on the acceptance that humans suck and i don't see any close to being able to trust with intimacy and my heart anywhere... but there's always hope, right?... hello? lol lam sigh :)

still, i do continue writing and sharing daily life as much as i can and i wish i had a friend who paid attention to me and gave me feedback on the ups and downs and thoughts and feelings and experiences that pass through me into words in the daily blog...

anyway, i thank you for reminding me in memories of what sharing was once like in words and reinforcing the reason i continue writing writing writing until my fingers and shoulders and neck ache...

back to my blog now, with hope in my heart (cue song lol lam :)