followers

this whole concept of following online is so confusing... there are all sorts of ways to follow someone or something (blog, post, comments, users, articles, comments on articles, and let's not even begin to get into facebook and other sites)... here in this blogger world, there are email followers and widget followers and reading list followers and google plus followers and who knows what else... and the source of the confusion is the google blogger dashboard (as opposed to the google plus dashboard or any other dashboard google provides) has a link feature to supposedly indicate how many followers each blog has and then, after clicking, the unpredictability appears...

so on the party of living, a seldom visited or used blog i created some time ago when i was more optimistic about life's party (not that the party has ended, but there's just less time or enthusiasm or partying i feel like reporting but that's not the point of this entry... the point is, in this blog, the dashboard says there is one follower... clicking on the link, there is no follower there on the page that opens... and the google widget on the page itself says there are no followers... so why does the dashboard say there is 1 follower?...

yes, it is confusing... feel free to offer a simple explanation... perhaps google allows someone to follow privately and therefore only shows up as a number in the count, but nowhere else... or perhaps the follower is following in some other way of following so they show up in the count on the dashboard but not in the widget (and the question arises, where are they following from and even if they want privacy {we won't get into the whole stalking secretly aspect), how would knowing how they are following change or threaten their privacy?... knowing would help the blog writer know how people are finding the blog and who puts a blog out here to not be found, after all?)...

ummm, stop looking at me that way (lol, as if i do, huh?)... well, continuing this exploration, we come to RealTime™... seventeen (17) followers is the number linked on the dashboard and when that link opens we find fifteen (15) followers (so two remain in that limbo unknown place that the one from the party of living blog may be)... and then i did some exploring and found random people followed RealTime™ who knows when for who knows what reasons and only one made contact over the decade that RealTime™ has existed so i wonder if they clicked follow somehow somewhere and then forgot about it or if they actually follow silently secretly for some reason...

and then we come to ric-candor which is the blog where i collect and put my public profiles cuz, after all, if i am introducing myself to someone or some place online or the entire internet and anyone anywhere, i figure i ought to remember what i said and shared about myself if only to remember who i think i am at any given moment in time... and there, the dashboard says 1 follower and that follower is 2d6a0934-4f95-11e5-82db-1f911e3c1d68... yup, that is what i find when i click on the link and that 2d6a0934-4f95-11e5-82db-1f911e3c1d68 leads nowhere and i am the only one being followed by 2d6a0934-4f95-11e5-82db-1f911e3c1d68... so someone wants to know the real physical human offline me and offers no information at all, unless, of course, 2d6a0934-4f95-11e5-82db-1f911e3c1d68 is a friend who simply has not told me they follow ric-candor...

finally, for the google-blogger-blogspot blogs i started that have followers listed on the dashboard, we come to (e)thereal, which is this blog you are reading (and yes, this entry is way longer than this blog is supposed to be in terms of brevity of entries and i will likely put this entry in RealTime™ because that was the babbling blog when i had more time for babbling (and apparently people like babbling more than brevity, or perhaps this blog simply has too many entries daily for anyone to want to actually follow, especially if they follow by email or follow lots of other blogs, but then, the entries are supposed to be {and sometimes actually are} brief, but that's beside the point) with added babbling because, after all, that's what babbling is... but this paragraph was about this blog you are currently reading so let's get back to it...

yes, so (e)thereal, this blog, has 3 followers... only two show up on the followers page and i wonder who you two are... do we know each other offline?... have we had any contact?... the linked page says one of you is a student and the account was created in 2010... JJ?... just a guess... and the link on that profile leads to this unused blog... looks like one i might create, by the title and the visual look... if you are out there, say hello, whomever you are... and then there is someone i'd love to meet (yes you, your privacy shall remain private) but she has not been updating her blog since 2013 and i have misplaced email contact info... did we ever talk?... feels like we have been friends forever, so where are you now that i have time, aye? :)

and there is a journey through the followers listed on the dashboard of my google-blogger-blogspot account... i am happy i wandered through, even if it answered no questions, especially because i have some new out of the blue hope i might actually be cared about, even if most followers forget they clicked the follow button in a moment of interest some years ago... and steph, i hope you call :)

and anyway with any answers, feel free to share...

narf :)

old friends, bookends

and when i am cut
do i not bleed?

so another year slipped by so far away and here i am with nothing left to say so what i do in my redundant way is continue to hope and love and play the same old game of babble... let the meter and cadence and rhythm and rhymes not get in our way...

dear ray... i wish i could feel the love and trust we shared in our friendship in our younger years... today no one shares that way... maybe that is what growing up does to us... drifting apart... detached from our heart... and yet, i still wish you a happy birth day today...

dear barb... i wish i could feel the love and trust we shared when we were together in our younger years... today no one shares that way... maybe i no longer deserve that level of respect and trust and love... disillusioned... detached from humanity... and yet, i still wish you a happy birthday today...

my intention was always to keep in touch and somehow i failed myself and you and you and everyone i've ever loved... and now, all the reasons fade into a pile of foolishness i cast aside because they do not matter... the past is unchangeable... the only power we have is to do what we can do in the present... and if i could i would hug you right now... for you believed in me and i would really like to feel someone does again... and i believed in you and still do... wherever you are... hope our paths cross again...

life goes on, huh?...

people disappoint again

just when i start believing in an organization again, the same old lies come around and kick me in the back of the head... we are not like other companies i was told when i was hired... we would never do that i was told when i explained the sudden termination for financial reasons at a previous job of twelve years... we are a family i was told... terminated is such a painfully cruel word... not a good fit was the explanation... sure, an honest person who genuinely cares about people and kindness and loyalty and bonding to create family in a long-term residential health care environment is not a good fit in an organization that lies about and does not live up to it's own ideals and values...

i am far from perfect, but ultimately i was set up by a supervisor who would not let me do what i wanted to do to accomplish what they asked me to accomplish so i did it her way and there was a lot less success because her way was the oppositve of my way and they don't want to accept the fact that they did not let me try my way so it's my fault for not accomplishing what they wanted me to accomplish... tie your hands together and then rearrange the items shelves in your refrigerator so they are in alphabetical order, why dontcha?... in organizational terms, they made decisions based on metrics that did not measure the big picture actual cultural changes we were aiming for, but rather measured the month to month changes and anytime there was a dip, they told me to change what i was doing which undermined what i was doing and slowed the gradual upward turn the culture was actually taking... they ignored metrics like client illnesses, hospitalizations, incidents, employee accidents, complaints, all of which were way down in the past year (3 deaths in the first three months i was there and more in the years before, none since my fourth month and clients who are just as ill as those who died are flourishing because nursing care was vastly improved by my insistance on training and systems for competency checks and improved communication and hiring a DON who agreed with doing that and who does it well)... and client health and happiness (you can measure number of smiles and smiling reactions each day and i get more than most) way up, but there's no improvement according to the short-sighted metrics they use...

perhaps i could have educated the top management better, but i did not... i wonder if they saw the connection between the staff survey rating they got (very low) and the inconsistent micro-managing they were doing... supervisors and managers (which would include me as i was managing the place without a management team for many months after i cleaned house and took the time needed to find the right people to build our new management team... alas, the one person who presented the biggest problems was the person upper management recommended most highly, but they don't seem to see the pattern) got higher scores... ultimately, they never trusted my judgement or decisions and blame the too slow to measure in monthly metrics cultural change progress on me, rather that accept that changing a culture that has been one way for decades is not going to happen in a year or two, but rather, will take a five or even ten year plan...

and in the past couple of weeks the shift exchanges, which were one of the primary improvements in communication of daily client care needs i implemented last year, were done away with... i allowed the experiment because two of the managers were very insistant on trying it and one who opposed it agreed to give it a try... supervisors complained and i asked them for patience, staff didn't care much at first, and i estimate that in another week or two the managers insisting on the new system that had an inherent potential for breakdown in vital information would see why it was not a good idea and learn from it... simply not allowing them to do it (which is what my supervisor suggested) would not teach them anything and potentially give them a sense that i was micromanaging them and that is the antithesis of the cultural change i was asked to make... but this is just one example of upper management opposing my methods of changing a long-term residential facility culture that slowed the changes that are definitely happening...

they might not even realize what they did... but as if just to make sure i would not succeed, my new supervisor for the last four months was almost never around (because she was based 90 miles away and even though she was supposed to come by once a week and talk daily, there were no daily talks and she was not always reachable and she came by about once a month to interview my managers so nothing got done on those days and in the past month... one of my managers stopped communicating changes she was making and if she was told to simply disregard me i would not be surprised, but we'll accept that could be a paranoid tought and leave it in this parentheses) and when we did talk she said i am doing well and asked if i minded if she skipped coming out this week again and again... then last week she shows up with criticism and passive aggressive questions and tried to turn my answers into something i didn't say and this week she shows up with the director of human resources to terminate... no corrective action or discussion of any performance issues at all in the past nine months and suddenly i am presented with there've been no improvements and i'm gone, no discussion, no notice, no smoothe transition where i can communicate pending tasks and potential risks to prevent unsafe situations for clients or delays in time sensitive care needs, just out the door and don't come back...

and that is not the way we do things here was the assurance the person who hired me gave me and we agreed it was not good (or safe) for clients or staff or operations, but now we disregard the clients and staff and operations and assurance and just do it... the lack of trust or ethics or consideration for the mission and values (not to mention clients and staff) and simple kindness (in a company and profession that is supposed to place caring for people at their highest goal and ideal) is astoundingly disappointing...

so maybe i am wrong and they (they being just one or two people at the corporate office who really don't spend any time at the facilities, but seem to believe they know what actually happens at the facility better than those who work there) are right... might makes right, ultimately, so i am gone and they will do what they want to do, which as i see it, is the same mistake they've been making for decades... a true restructure for a real cultural change takes five to ten years... but what disappoints me most is the way they dismissed me... let the clients wonder why the person who inspired their smiles and laughter with hugs and singing is suddenly gone... let the staff who were depending on me to change the culture (and who thanked me regularly) wonder why i left without explanation or goodbye... let the projects and purchases i was working that clients needed be delayed or on fall by the wayside... let the contractors and vendors and surveyors who trusted me to maintain communication and good professional relationships wonder why there was no transition, introductions, or courtesy in handing responsibilities and relationships off to whomever is going to develop those relationships with them now...

how do people justify such hypocrisy and ultimately, cruelty?... it keeps me awake at night, but then i don't delude myself well... sigh, someone distract me...

sad narf...

i may be back to re-read this and edit it for clarity as i am so sad and frustrated right now... but i must let go even though i am concerned about people i adopted as family.. caring too much about people just does not seem to work in the modern health care world... so i look at myself and pick up the pieces of my heart once again and walk on... at least i have good personal and professional references (including AHCA surveyors and DCF investigators) and i will move on hoping to find an organization and people who actually see the big picture, don't make knee-jerk decisions based on minimal facts and even lies, and live up to the high ideals and values they post on their walls... yeah, so maybe i am wrong and they are right...

hopefully history will not repeat itself and nobody gets hurt doing it their way...

sigh and even sadder narf...

and moving on...

facebook validation

do you go to facebook for validation?... do you go because you are lonely?... do you go because you want conflict?... everyone has their own reason for visiting, reading, and/or writing online and facebook is currently the buggest community or gathering spot online, but there are themes we can ask ourselves about if we are interested in the reasons we do things... every now and then i spend hours reading and commenting and you can read all about it (as long as the comments don't get deleted by moderators more interested in control than in conversation... control freaks destroy good conversation and sometimes, meaningful communication, but that's not just on facebook, that's life among frightened humans)... so why do you facebook?...

and if you don't go, why not?...

curious narf :)

this is dedicated to mikey b

mikey b is a friend of mine
who got lost somewhere in cyberspace
all his sites just disappeared one day
and all i could find was a sad face
we rode rockets out at kennedy
we hung out at old beach bars
we exchanged linguistic destiny
and the space between the stars
he would write words that would make me think
deep thoughts that poked my consciousness
others said he would drive them to drink
and even that he was a complex mess
but the laughter was the best he gave
his perspective was askew just right
some words on the way back machine (good save)
still shine his unique light
i know time space relativity
will make everything alright
but with all our intellectuality
and linguistic rationality
there are still reasons we can not see...

i miss mikey b tonight
i miss mikey b tonight
i miss mikey b...

tonight

kat mcdowell

as opposed to mcdonald, perhaps... sweet singer, there may even be a rocker in her... kat mcdonald, i mean... yeah, the title is no coincidence... i like the guitar, the music, the style, the look, but at first hearing the vocals are way too commercially processed for me on some songs... still, there is sincerity in her voice and meaning in her words so i'll fall in love... no belittling my irreverence, m'ok?... laugh with me if you get me, scratch your head or walk away if you don't... pointing fingers isn't nice... i mean, you don't have to be nice, but it would be nice if you were... nice, that is... meanwhile, back to kat, not alone shows she can enunciate well and has a sweet voice so hopefully she won't let them process her too much (yeah)... morf?... liking her voice on a little rain... so here is a fan blurb... and if we never make wild passionate love on a moonlit beach, well, we'll always have this entry... now you probably want to check her out even more than you did a sentence before so mission accomplished... i sense a lot of love in her, so she's got a new fan, i mean, in case it wasn't obvious...

wonder if she had a farm?... if you didn't get that, oh well, life goes on... eee i eee i oh (ho ho ho)... love is everywhere, after all... but alas, the left speaker is finally giving out on this laptop... it's got a harmon kardon system built in, one of the reasons i chose it, but the years take their toll on tiny speakers, even good ones... still loving kat though, so recommended highly, she is...

narf :)

so what did you miss?

me?... hey, i am hopeful, in case you forgot... of course the few who actually check this writing space regularly have dwindled so it is possible no one noticed i was gone for a couple of weeks, but as we know, there's always hope... there was a softball update... and a facebook update (maybe more than one)... and a marathon rambling series of entries (like maybe twenty in one long long night)... not so sure about anything profound, but definitely a lot of entries... maybe fifty or more in all... see, i've been writing, just not completing entries and uploading them... but now (since you are reading this which means the uploading happened), it's a wonderful world of suddenly appearing entries that will all too soon slide into the past (history, even) and then they will have seemed to have been here (and there) all along, so experience the thrill of more than fifty entries uploaded in one night all for yourself while you can... don't tell the secret, but tell everyone, m'ok?...

curious is needier than ever, hopping up on me and the keyboard more often lately... she misses happiness... i do too... and jackson does too, but she spends all weekend up with her girlfriend since he's gone so curious only has me in her time of neediness... distracting, and one of the reasons i have not actually been completing entries and uploading daily, but mostly lovable... softball, work, and the cat, that's most of life these days... so maybe you didn't miss much after all...

narf :)

as if we were always there

that's right, if you blinked today you missed about two dozen entries that were uploaded since and before what was the last entry for at least most of this week, but you only know that if you checked this blog daily this week or if you are reading this particular entry... for your convenience, links to many of the new entries will pop up in this entry cuz i know some of you want to read everything cuz, well, you have your reasons... and you have computer access at the asylum, no doubt... yup, we've got jokes, that's right... and history might still be laughing...

so summarizing the events of the past few hours or so, for posterity and anyone who cares, this entry sat on the now (the now, in blog terms, is first entry found when coming to the blog which is the last entry uploaded and left out front) and while it was out there, i visited facebook and remembered stuff like being sort of inspired by a birthday and wondering if quality exists amidst the quantity of entries (or anything... just stop me when you get here, m'ok) cuz in the physical space sharing with someone physically present usually (or at least often) leaves the dream on the shelf so we can share life (or even more focused links like in this entry maybe... you know how i love to play with time, after all and i am still nocturnal... somewhere along the way i added more some stuff about me and most of the entries were written on the weekend (with snacks, of course) as you saw this blog pausing... i checked out the new stephen colbert show and like it, though i gave up sleep zzzzzzzz all week...

as if we needed reminding, i recalled how much i love my cookies and and via the way back machine, i found old journals which was bittersweet reading but still exciting as some long sleeping synapses danced in the brain again... which brings us to tonight, if you've been following (and clicking) along... you have been following along, right?... do we have to start all over?... maybe you are still sleeping and missed the point of it all... you can still laugh, even if you don't understand, cuz what's most important in this life is that you enjoy yourself (without judging or trying to control others and if you do a little good, all the better)... then, learn as you wish...

narf :)

sleepy home alone

the tv provides old friends tonight, as much as favorite films or shows can be considered old friends... you've got mail, the fifth element, total recall are three films i know inside out for a variety of reasons (not just the eye candy, but libbo smiles)... there is also (not so much close personal family, but amusements worth glancing up at in the background when i want amusements in the background such as avatar and a star trek movie and a hitchcock duo of the birds and psycho and a whole lot of football and more, but that is where my interest in mentioning what the tv might provide tonight ends... i could be sleeping, which is what a large part of my mind, but there is this other large part (no wonder i have a big head, aye?) of my mind that wants to write the epic something, you know, the save the world and humanity and all that whille falling in love and living happily ever after...

so what else is new?...

narf :)

did someone order catchup?

so in the next few hours there out to be at least twenty entries poured into boxed and better yet, thirty would be watered on the gardens (hopefully not all down and loose, but don't be getting uptight on us cuz that wouldn't be cool, aye?) and the reasons and rhymes shall not falter the intent of the author which varies from time and space to time and space and momentary desire over a subtrate of permanance that contains the truth that all equality of beings is a mental construct based on desire to balance peace with understanding when in the physical reality equality is as rare as a specific sub-set of identical twins so accept the fact that we all accept our individual delusions even as some appear and seem and even feel like universal truth because enough of the beings around you accept the same delusion and we can all rest in peace if we want to... the beatles effectively said something to that affect and just where that got us... would you like fries with that? (perhaps sweet potato, alas, a1c demands)...

promises, promises...

narf :)

it is not all a waste (nocturnal rhythms)

this blog and all the other blogs, i mean, and all words written, all the words posted to the web, all the time spent writing, no, it is not all a waste... even if no one has ever read some of the entries... even if no one ever read any of them (i know some have been read by a few)... even if all the millions of people writing me love letters are all in my mind when all the world is asleep (don't tell a person with nocturnal circadian rhythm they have insomnia just because the norm is to sleep at night... some don't, ya know?... conformity is not always the best thing for everyone, ya know?... mostly i find it all amusing and maybe i'll find someone who not only understands, but who can and will share) and i wake up...

to those who would debate i might have said:

those who wish to conform will find reasons to justify conformity... those who wish to be right will find citations supporting their point of view... those who need no external validation will simply be as they are... there is no right or wrong circadian rhythm, there is only your comfortable circadian rhythm... you do not need to justify living yours... just find the rhythm right for you enjoy it :)

and to those who are nocturnal i would say:

i appreciate others like you who understand the waves of energy that come after dark... these days i spend much time working during the day so i force myself to get some sleep during the nights... tonight i thought about this and realized i know no nocturnals these days and felt lonely for others who understand... so hello out there to anyone stopping by here... you are welcome in my world :)

meanwhile, i wonder (and sometimes lament) how many entries are missed, how many attempts to share who i am never find any connection and beyond loneliness, i wonder how i might reach you... you would love me if you really knew me, really you would (we may laugh, i know i do, but it's still true)... so i will continue with the hope that we do find each other someday and then, the belief that it is not all a waste will be more than a belief, it will become a dream come true...

until then, i'll just continue enjoying it all by myself :)

public wi-fi

just one more of the many reasons not to skimp on hotels when on vacation, dammit!... yeah, so the trip started out as a fiasco once i got to columbus (ohio)... picked up the car and two of the guys staying in the room with me and when we got to the place it was absolutely no way, a dive, a seedy mostly=permanent residents weekly place where the beds squeaked so loud it was absolutely no way x3... and so we headed out to find another place and we had to travel 20 minutes north to a northern suburb which was a second choice to find a place for about $75 a night... saving money is a bad idea on vacation... the host hotel was probably around $130 a night (group rate), but it was luxury and then some... and the bottomest bottom line is i am so isolated here it sucks... play softball, everybody goes in different directions... one of the three who were supposed to share a room with me took off and is staying at the host hotel with someone else... at least he paid for the room, but i have to eat the rental... should have gotten an economy car... the second guy wanted to head out to meet someone he met online and needed a ride to the club... i could have hung out, but i am not into going to clubs alone anymore and i did not want to be a third wheel, so i drove an hour to drop him off and here we are, back at the hotel, alone and so on...

and the cheaper hotel, an extended stay america, has public wi-fi and kaspersky threw a fit about my connecting anyway... and who knows who is invading my computer at this very moment... sucks to be cheap...

so how is your week so far?...

narf :)

the ever growing whatever

as you may have heard somewhere for whatever reasons or rhymes (if there are any, after all), of course i should be sleeping was a quippy title (or subtitle), opening, and/or closing that preceded or followed my babblings for more than six years (or longer than that, even... what? what? what?... queue dream sequence lol lam... what?), but what is time, anyway... and then this came along and i just had to continue once again, and because i love you (and me too), here's another shot at all the strange and wonderful links that were in one or more of the entries that had links in them, m'ok?... yes, i suppose that is most... thank you for caring (yeah) and choosing to spend time with my words {word?}... i hope you feel as appreciated as you are)... your words are very welcome here... very encouraged, even... and now (or whenever), with even more further ado, we present for your edification and pleasure (or merely for distraction if that's all you are here for), some impromptu fortuitous philosophy and nonchalant self-promoting cuz i really want someone to know me (or something like that)... motivation is important in this life, ya know?... what you want it to be it will be if you understand what makes everything move (and i mean everything and that is just where it begins) with intensity sigh) beyond reason sigh) and the purest peace (sigh) that comes from the purest love (sigh) and innocent trust (sigh) i welcome you (who are you, anyway?) to this world (what's with all these sighs?), even though the point of it all could be random...

don't let it get you

as much as i need sleep, the compulsion to write is as consistent as anything ever was and then again, tonight, same as it ever was tonight, tonight, same as it ever was again, and now, again and again as if the language molds itself to the mood and the conditions of the mind in abstract constructs or rational reasons or both moving in linear and circular and expanding in all directions at once (what is the word for that, aye?), outward and inward and universal, even, as if that is some ultimate concept (as laughter comes from the multiverses) what?...

the painted ponies still go round and round...

so when i should have been asleep hours ago (and maybe could have too), here we are again (on our own)... again and again and again and then, again ...

narf too :)

who wants to cry with me?

strange question?... maybe not if you are into pity parties or if you are depressed... but daily, who wants to cry with me daily?... not all day, but at least once a day... who wants to feel that much?... the world is full of reasons to cry, joyous reasons and tragic reasons (personally, i prefer the joyous)... most people just ignore the reasons and suppress the emotions... i don't want to... and i want someone willing to share the roller coaster of emotions life is... here's one way of putting it...

"To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day.

Jimmy Valvano

yeah... it makes sense and everybody cheers, but who really does it?... well, if you do, or think you can and want to, maybe we can help each other out... what brings you to tears?... especially what brings you to happy tears?... the princess bride, random harvest, it's a wonderful life, et, city of angels, tale of two cities, hook and so many others... and if you sing and want to encourage me to sing, unchained melody, crying, honesty, the impossible dream, if, cherish so many others - and songs from broadway shows west side story, la cage aux folles and on and on... many thousands of songs, films, shows, and that isn't even touching the true sorrows and joys of life... so much inspiration for the roller coaster of emotions, so much to feel, so much to share...

so?... anybody?... i'm right here waiting...

narf :)

diaryland

i was going to write a bit about diaryland where i have this old thing (and a few even other things) but it turns out i started explaining why i was not there much anymore and it turned into this entry there which you can read there (if you dare, it smells of babble as that diary often did... of course there are those amond us who love babble, but still, proceed at your own risk... addictions are a personal matters, ya know?)... so this entry is going to have a few loose ends that were not included in the rambling i did other there... anyway, i didn't find much to inspire me to want to head back there except people... people are a big plus though, so i will be going back more often (time permitting), but just for a few hours (or a weekend) cuz the site itself isn't appealing which is why in left in the first place...

i spent a little more time wandering around diaryland and i discovered a few more things (and perhaps a few more reasons i wandered away from there and ended up here)... for one thing, i have about fifty diary rings listed on my "Here are the diaryrings that you belong to:" page and after clicking on a dozen or so and getting the "Sorry, no ring of that name exists!" page, i lost interest... diary rings are a really great idea because it lets people with similar interests connect... if it works... i suppose, like mine, a lot of diaryrings are dormant or were deleted because people did not keep up their gold or supergold memberships... and every time i tried to search through existing rings or the members area, i was logged out and the log back in link didn't work... even more annoying is the site will not let me change my email...

i tired of exploring there so this is it for now...

bouncing back and forth in time

as if time travel was as routine as breathing, i seem to bounce back and forth through time, at least according to the time date stamps on these entries, for whatever that is worth, and i wonder if reading these same six thousand plus entries in the chronological order in which they were originally written would give the entries any deeper meaning or value or worth (oh my)... yellow brick road not withstanding... when the eyes are closing, why fight it?... the rational mind can probably come up with a dozen great reasons that would have you scratching your head in wonder of the obviousness you missed, but that may be beside the point, if there was one)... the breathing helps solidify the experience into the timeless archives we call our memories... and still we are not sleeping, but the eyes are getting head... actually, that would be the eyelids, but who's counting?...

to be continue, no doubt...

narf :)

people in real life

we call it real life... the daily motion through time and space we take so for granted... waking, washing, dressing, eating, commuting, working, communicating, thinking, feeling, succeeding, failing, playing, resting, sleeping, and waking to repeat it all again... not everyone does all of that every day, at least not consciously, and most do much more if we use more words and refine definitions, but essentially we move through time and space and call it life, real in the real world... the distinction, i suppose, between real life and life became more pronounced and perhaps even more necessary with the advent of the internet as so many online create a persona that is not in line with who they are off line... in any case, people are not always what they (or we) appear to be in different environments, even in different offline environments... are we really the same at work as we are in bed?... or even anywhere away from work, most people tend to act differently to satisfy the expectations of the environment... so when are we in real life?... and when are we really really ourselves?...

well if we define real life, at least for the moment for the purpose in this blog (whatever that is), as the daily physical life in the immediate environment and we define the immediate environment say within twenty or thirty feet of each of us, then the people in real life are few for many of us... for me, there are a hundred or so at work and another dozen or so at stores or places i go, but if we refine real life to the personal life, the life away from financial obligations and transactions, then people in real life become those we live and play with in our daily motion through time and space and most of them may be family or roommates which, even in the best of cases, still brings some obligations so if we reduce the real life to the moments we share without any obligation at all, we come to those we choose to have in our larger personal space (that twenty to thirty foot circle) simply because we want them there... and then there is personal space which, if we can agree, is defined as space within reach, say 2-3 feet around our body, and many of us have no one in that space on any regular basis... most people choose monogamy in such desired relationships so most of us have either one or zero people in in real life when real is defined as pure desire without any obligations or strings attached... real life broken down to ones and zeros, how in the world (real or not) did we come back around to this sharing we are doing on our computers... rhetorically, no doubt...

most people in the real life of daily motion even including all physical world interactions do not even know this blog exists... it is possible no one in that concept or construct of real life actually knows i write all these words in this or any blog almost every day... that seems so strange on some levels because i may be most real right here in these words and nobody in what we commonly refer to as real life knows it... so does that mean nobody in real life knows me?... seems logical, but so sad...

i wonder if it is the same for you or others... i wonder if we just not care to really know each other or if we are too busy or if we are afraid or if we just don't know how... or maybe there is no answer... i could be wrong from the first premise and have built a seemingly logical line of thought that is no more than a house of imaginary cards that will blow away in an imaginary wind... or an electronic wind, for that matter, since in the real world what you are reading is a collection of electronic pulses, ones and zeros, here only as long as an electromagnetic storm/force doesn't come along and erase it all... but isn't that what this life is about anyway anywhere?... we live, we die, we are here, we are gone in the blink of an eye... and we do it alone in these individual bodies... that's real life... people in real life are separate and our sharing, being together is an illusion we choose to share, an illusion that can disappear in a moment for any number of reasons and will disappear in a moment sooner or later... maybe that is why so many do not take the chance, the risk, the leap of faith to create the illusion because illusion or not, the feeling of loss when someone who shared real life is gone is no less painful even knowing it was all illusion...

i didn't start out to philosophize... i just was thinking of how people in real life do not even know i exist in this blog... yet you do... so you are more real here than people in real life even if we've never met or even shared a word here or anywhere... words online expressing who we are must have some place in what we define as real life for us as knowledge, knowing each other, that is how we know we are really real... confirming it in the daily motion, in the physical sharing, that validates the knowledge, but unless the words lie, the knowledge is still as true with our without the physical evidence... all we need do is believe... as we do in real life... and if everything is shared illusion anyway, well, we are sharing real life right here and now if we want to... anyone who wants to, here it is...

or something like that :)

not here

i must remember that i have a hundred other blogs (or more) for a hundred other reasons (or more) and that allows me to compartmentalize the many diverse aspects and perspectives and experiences and moods and emotions and lives i live in this life so i can cleanse my mind and allow the best of me to shine through when it is needed most... i mean the very title of this one reminds me of how silly complaining is and yet i find the complaining habit somewhat pleasurable probebly because i have been alone for so long and the dream of falling in love forever and sharing this life with someone (once upon a time, creating a family was part of that dream) has all but passed and there is that part of me who wants to complain all the time cuz good dreams don't come cheap and dreams die hard when they don't come true... and being alone, i have way too much time to whine and vent about how unfair it is that i give so much and still feel used and abused almost every day...

i wonder if that's ptsd skewing my perspective... perhaps, but the mistreatment is still real most days and criticisms and lack of real appreciation too... but that's another story and i must remind myself today and every day, not here... here is for the positive perspective (in spite of the many times i've forgotten as you will see if you read or have seen if you've read any number of the thousands of entries in this blog)...

so what else is new?...

narf :)

geek talk

though it may not be fair to call this geek talk because i have only reports and no actual understanding of what the reports mean... or at least very little... but kaspersky is telling me that some program i don'r use keeps hanging (so many background processes and programs i don't ever use are integrated into the windows operating system for reasons i can only imagine, so i share the report here and hope someone might come along and help me understand and remedy whatever kaspersky wants me to remedy because kaspersky only points at problems or potential problems, but give only long technical explanations and only random solutions... so does this make sense to anyone?...

Product
DbgSvc

Problem
Service Hang Report

Date
4/10/2015 11:12 PM

Status
Not Reported

Description
Service Debug Diagnostic Service hung on starting.

Problem signature
Problem Event Name: ServiceHang
Service Name: DbgSvc
Image Name: DbgSvc.exe"
Image Version: 0.0.0.0
Service Type: 10
Start Type: 2
OS Version: 6.0.6002.2.2.0.768.3
Locale ID: 1033

Files that help describe the problem
Version.txt
minidump.mdmp

no solution in 2007 and here i am still on this antiquated buggy vista today... fool for not just tossing vista immediately when windows 7 came out... anyway, i am uninstalling the microsoft debug tool and installing an upgrade since the one i've got is old... there was no warning about incompatibility with vista so hopefully nothing will go wrong (famous last words)... meanwhile, kaspersky is running a trusted applications scan that is taking a while, but i am liking this new version of kaspersky (total security 2015) better than the previous versions i've used over the last seven or more years so while there is still a month and a half to decide, i might renew the license once again... anyway, computer maintenence is going on... it says 21 hours left... then i have windows update to run...

meanwhile, there's nothing on tv of interest to me but i did enjoy sleeping in a bit and i am enjoying just sitting here listening to music

narf and such and such :)