ok, drugs

yeah, i mentioned drugs in a less than evil way in the previous entry so i decided to provide my opinions on drugs cuz, after all, you want to know... and being relatively experienced in the actual effects and affects and prefects and etch-a-sketches of drugs through experimentation in this body (the cia really didn't like me telling them that when they asked, but hey, the truth shall set you free it you speak it just right... and i will leave you to wonder just how much truth and how much illusion is in this paragraph cuz, well, that's part of the fun of blogging and even more to the point, those who care ask and learn and why bother explaining anything to those who don't, cha know?), i can provide you with a perspective some may never know... so the dear super-repressed teacher on south park says drugs are bad, mok? with as much interrogative as statement... and i say, everything is bad if you abuse it... drugs are life... drugs are chemicals... chemicals are life... so the question becomes which drugs, i suppose and since the previous entry lead to this entry and was mentioned three drugs in particular, here is my take on those three...

lsd is a wonderful experience if you are ready for it... being ready for it includes being not afraid of yourself and not afraid of opening your mind and seeing things in ways that might scare you... if you can handle your own fear well, lsd is an amazing experience... however, if you are prone to anxiety, even slightly paranoid, doubt yourself, have low self-esteem, or in any way enjoy abusing yourself (including commonly excepted forms of self-abuse), then the probability of lsd providing you with what is commonly called a bad trip increases directly proportionately to how much you fear yourself or are prone to anxiety, are even slightly paranoid, doubt yourself, have low self-esteem, or in any way enjoy abusing yourself (including commonly excepted forms of self-abuse)...

mdma is an amazing experience, again, if you are ready for it... mda is sometimes found when obtaining mdma and mda is closer to lsd and so read the previous paragraph too because you can't always be sure you are getting pure mdma... pure mdma lets you relax and trust if you know how to and can relax and trust... trust does not mean let yourself be used or abused, so if you are not sure if you know how to trust (it starts with trusting yourself first before anyone else), then do not try mdma in public where someone might take advantage of you... even friends can take advantage of you if you are not aware of yourself... and again, if you are generally afraid, insecure, anxious, paranoid, half low self-esteem, or in any way abuse yourself, you will likely abuse yourself or be abused under the influence of mdma...

htc is an amazing experience with much less power than either lsd or mdma (or mda), again, if you are ready for it... being ready for it means the same as being ready to some extent the criteria above, but more being ready for the questions below...

and if you are ready for it does not mean you want to be ready for it... being ready to experience these chemicals means you are free of most common fear and insecurity, anxiety, paranoia, and self-abuses that the vast majority of humans are not free of... ask yourself how you would feel walking into a police station or talking to a police officer under the influence of any of these drugs... how would you feel about walking into a hospital and telling an emergency room nurse or doctor that you took these drugs?... how would you feel about sitting and talking with your mother or father under the influence?... and how would you feel about telling your mother or father that you are under the influence while you are under the influence?...

if the answer to any of these questions is no way! then think again, you are probably not ready or at least have a much higher risk of a bad experience...

the most important questions to ask yourself (and most seriously, you are a fool not to ask yourself {and answer honestly} before playing with these drugs) are... who do you trust to take you home and put you to bed if you are unconscious?... and less likely, but just as important who do you trust to get you to an emergency room if you are in physical distress and not able to get there by yourself?...

if the answer to either of these questions is no one, then stop and re-think the prior questions because you might have to take yourself to a hospital and if you are not ready to do that, you could die wherever you are... this is a real possibility anytime we ingest any chemical (heck, it's a possibility with food poisoning, though the probability is much lower with food than with street drugs)... remember that you don't know what sort of quality control the manufacturer of the drug you are buying from some stranger (and even if the seller is a friend, the source is almost always a stranger in an uninspected lab somewhere who is much more interested in making money than in health and safety or sanitation)... lsd or mdma or mda can too often contain ingredients not intended to be there, but deadly or at least stuff that can make you sick and need a doctor... this is why the readiness to face an emergency room is so important... and depending on where you live, the hospital may have to, by law, notify police... these are just facts of life in our culture that sells some drugs legally and makes other drugs illegal...

the bottom line (or at least one of them... oh, here i go getting into a socio-economic political rant on us), the education we get about drugs in the good old u.s.a. is as biased as every other bit of education we get, mostly controlled or at least heavily influenced by the holy dollar of corporate america... drugs are bad, m'ok?... of course alcohol and tobacco are not included in that statement because, after all, there's a whole government department and many billions of dollars at stake if we decided to really see the harm in alcohol and tobacco abuses... but not to belabor that point (much), here is some more drug reading for you if you are really interested in learning about drugs through the written word... misconceptions - wiki one bad trip looking outside the u.s.a., we can find a much more rational (and not corporate money driven) assessment of drugs... drug news the good drugs guide more news toward new drug harm scales drug harms in the UK alcohol or heroin? ...

there is some of my perspective and opinions on drugs in general and on a few drugs i've experienced... my experiences, personally in this body, were wonderful... my experiences with others were mixed, partly because there were people who were not ready and needed a whole lot of help getting through, even surviving the drugs... and sometimes others required emergency rooms and sometimes i watched people die... so while i personally physically and mentally and emotionally loved my in-body experience, i did not enjoy being with others who either obtained poorly made drugs that contained other harmful stuff and i did not enjoy being with others who simply were not ready to relax and enjoy the experience...

i do not recommend drugs... i don't need them myself, for the highs i experience in my brain are even better than those i experienced on the best trips through drug experiences... but for the alternative perspective, i would personally use, probably just a few times a year if that much lsd, mdma, and thc again if they were legal... thc i might use a bit more often as a relaxant more than anything, though still probably only a few times a month if that much... i do not use alcohol or tobacco because the side effects are way more harmful to my health than the benefits...

so there is everything you wanted (or didn't) want to know about my perspective on drugs, most specifically four relatively popular illegal drugs...

where are you?

yes, you... and you too... no matter where you are hiding, or not hiding... whomever you are... wherever you are... you... especially if you are not here because if you are not here i don't know where you are and if you are here, well, i know you are here but i don't know exactly where you are, but i know you are somewhere... if you are not here, i don't know if you are anywhere... so where are you?...

you may have missed my rejoicing earlier and the pondering i did about the stuff on the right recently and two entries a day (on average) that are added to the (e)thereal blog and i just want you to know you are missed... there are more than 5800 entries in this blog alone, how many have you read?... they are all there for you, even the ridiculous ones that nobody will take seriously and even the ones that will likely offend some people, maybe even you... i don't mean to offend, but i do ramble on freely about whatever comes to mind and sometimes my mind explores radical views and sometimes i get really down on things and sometimes i just play mind games with myself and friends and you might not understand that, but you can always ask... it's always good to ask what someone really means before you decide to be offended, after all... especially when someone does not mean to offend you, ya know?...

see, my tongue was in my cheek there, did you notice or did you think i was rude of haughty or offensive or something?... egocentric, well i never (stick my tongue out in your general direction)... so where are you, really?...

huh? :)

Still Wide Awake

On the first of may (what can I say?... strangers, friends, it never ends). Did you notice I was gone? Did you find me somewhere else? Do you even know my name? Has this all just been a game? How long have you been on this journey? Time is relative, in case you forgot or didn't get the internal memo, or emo, for that matter. Are we doing this alone? Don't you know that you don't need to always be on your own? What?

Something change? Did you notice a story keeps growing on the right? Not to mention the entries that keep slipping in behind this one, in real time, just cuz love never ends, like Abbey Road's going to #1 after 50 years, Sgt Pepper would be so proud.

and in the end
the love you save
is equal to
the love you gave

...or something like that What? You want a theme song? Here's a theme song.

POW!   aye?

The real theme song. You want real? Really? You may have missed it (if it ever began).

asleep?
Awake: Real true real, this blog actually ended years ago, shortly after Happiness died. He was such a beautiful soul, though there is no absolute end until the fingers can no longer type, so entries appear here and there as if they've always were, like the song that never ends, somewhere, and I will likely update this entry again and again, adding links, for posterity, for the depths, or doubts, even, and just for the fun of it, or whatever, and you can make of each one and all of them and everything as you see fit, or as Wesley said, as you wish (you too lol).

I mean, do you really want to know? :)

The fact is, so few do. Maybe no one does. Are you no one? Ah, we play with words to create hope where there may otherwise be none. Are you none?

If you came from TheReal(TM) you went (e)thereal (you're looking at it) but the babbler struck again after a while, so now... if you still want to know me and this life there is another place to go (see below) where I tear myself apart to censor myself to respect others fears while still doing my best to live my dream of finding the one and sharing everything completely openly and honestly... still here too. Still exposed.

I am here now in this new blog (and more, so much more), in case it matters. Narf.

No need to cry. I mean, just cuz of all the lonesome, ya know? If you remember. Narf.

You know narf is also a sigh, right?

Narf :)













PS... Hey blog family - you still matter to me :)













PPS... I am still awake, and still the same, even as everything constantly changes.










PPPS... Hey, what are all those links to the right there? (asked nonchalantly) lol :)











PPPPS... Maybe I'm a mazed lol. :)










PPPPPS... Write more, they say, and I do, almost every day, and then some. more? LOL you don't now the half of it. The question is, do you really want to? :)









Narf (yes, again) :)

.








Epilogue 1... the end is only the end if you believe in endings :)

followers

this whole concept of following online is so confusing... there are all sorts of ways to follow someone or something (blog, post, comments, users, articles, comments on articles, and let's not even begin to get into facebook and other sites)... here in this blogger world, there are email followers and widget followers and reading list followers and google plus followers and who knows what else... and the source of the confusion is the google blogger dashboard (as opposed to the google plus dashboard or any other dashboard google provides) has a link feature to supposedly indicate how many followers each blog has and then, after clicking, the unpredictability appears...

so on the party of living, a seldom visited or used blog i created some time ago when i was more optimistic about life's party (not that the party has ended, but there's just less time or enthusiasm or partying i feel like reporting but that's not the point of this entry... the point is, in this blog, the dashboard says there is one follower... clicking on the link, there is no follower there on the page that opens... and the google widget on the page itself says there are no followers... so why does the dashboard say there is 1 follower?...

yes, it is confusing... feel free to offer a simple explanation... perhaps google allows someone to follow privately and therefore only shows up as a number in the count, but nowhere else... or perhaps the follower is following in some other way of following so they show up in the count on the dashboard but not in the widget (and the question arises, where are they following from and even if they want privacy {we won't get into the whole stalking secretly aspect), how would knowing how they are following change or threaten their privacy?... knowing would help the blog writer know how people are finding the blog and who puts a blog out here to not be found, after all?)...

ummm, stop looking at me that way (lol, as if i do, huh?)... well, continuing this exploration, we come to RealTime™... seventeen (17) followers is the number linked on the dashboard and when that link opens we find fifteen (15) followers (so two remain in that limbo unknown place that the one from the party of living blog may be)... and then i did some exploring and found random people followed RealTime™ who knows when for who knows what reasons and only one made contact over the decade that RealTime™ has existed so i wonder if they clicked follow somehow somewhere and then forgot about it or if they actually follow silently secretly for some reason...

and then we come to ric-candor which is the blog where i collect and put my public profiles cuz, after all, if i am introducing myself to someone or some place online or the entire internet and anyone anywhere, i figure i ought to remember what i said and shared about myself if only to remember who i think i am at any given moment in time... and there, the dashboard says 1 follower and that follower is 2d6a0934-4f95-11e5-82db-1f911e3c1d68... yup, that is what i find when i click on the link and that 2d6a0934-4f95-11e5-82db-1f911e3c1d68 leads nowhere and i am the only one being followed by 2d6a0934-4f95-11e5-82db-1f911e3c1d68... so someone wants to know the real physical human offline me and offers no information at all, unless, of course, 2d6a0934-4f95-11e5-82db-1f911e3c1d68 is a friend who simply has not told me they follow ric-candor...

finally, for the google-blogger-blogspot blogs i started that have followers listed on the dashboard, we come to (e)thereal, which is this blog you are reading (and yes, this entry is way longer than this blog is supposed to be in terms of brevity of entries and i will likely put this entry in RealTime™ because that was the babbling blog when i had more time for babbling (and apparently people like babbling more than brevity, or perhaps this blog simply has too many entries daily for anyone to want to actually follow, especially if they follow by email or follow lots of other blogs, but then, the entries are supposed to be {and sometimes actually are} brief, but that's beside the point) with added babbling because, after all, that's what babbling is... but this paragraph was about this blog you are currently reading so let's get back to it...

yes, so (e)thereal, this blog, has 3 followers... only two show up on the followers page and i wonder who you two are... do we know each other offline?... have we had any contact?... the linked page says one of you is a student and the account was created in 2010... JJ?... just a guess... and the link on that profile leads to this unused blog... looks like one i might create, by the title and the visual look... if you are out there, say hello, whomever you are... and then there is someone i'd love to meet (yes you, your privacy shall remain private) but she has not been updating her blog since 2013 and i have misplaced email contact info... did we ever talk?... feels like we have been friends forever, so where are you now that i have time, aye? :)

and there is a journey through the followers listed on the dashboard of my google-blogger-blogspot account... i am happy i wandered through, even if it answered no questions, especially because i have some new out of the blue hope i might actually be cared about, even if most followers forget they clicked the follow button in a moment of interest some years ago... and steph, i hope you call :)

and anyway with any answers, feel free to share...

narf :)

where are you now?

there's a part of a sort of a moody blues song playing through the title as i wonder where the one is at the moment as i stretch and smile as i wake to enjoy another day alone again, naturally...

where is
the one who knows how to share
the way i share
ooo ooo ooo

where is
the one who knows how to care
the way i care
ooo ooo ooo ooo

who feels all the pain humans create
and still has hope we will all rise above
the fears that hold us back and dictate
our weakness in place of the strength of love

there are those who are driven down by fear
and those who ride the wings of love
the difference is everything if you understand

there are those who live in a world of despair
and those who find ways to rise above
do you live in a private hell or wonderland?

there are those who choose delusion
and live in confusion
corrupted by insecurity
and those who refuse to believe their own eyes
who would rather believe in irrational lies
so it really comes as no surprise
there is so little honesty
in this world
so little honesty

where is
the one who believes like
i believe
ooo ooo ooo

where is
the one who feels everything
the way i feel
ooo ooo ooo ooo

this could be a song of lament
or a song of hope depending on you
is your glass half full or half empty
it is for you to choose
ooo ooo ooo ooo
are you living or are you repenting
do you even have a clue
ooo ooo ooo ooo
can you handle love unrelenting
in everything you do
ooo ooo ooo ooo
where is the one who loves me
like i love you
who dares to feel everything
and care for everything
and share everything
the way i do
yeah, so where are you?...

perhaps confession

yes, i am really a hopelessly hopeful romantic dreaming of falling in love, true love, unconditional trust and honest love, and i've waited for a long long time (with respect to linda ronstadt, i've remained true to the song and to you too, even though others may appear higher on libbo's list cuz you did not stay as attractive to me as you grew, similar to stevi nicks... i know i wrote more songs and letters to stevi, you're not still made, are you?... of course we're all just prisoners in disguise or desperados. but we digression) since i showed much activated interest in possible meeting someone who might stimulate the heart (or other body parts, even) and what?... romance?... i've given up on the stuff... just be real and require no pretense or preparation and grow old along with me (cuz the best is yet to be) and get my song references and jokes and me and accept my different perspectives and try to understand even when i don't make sense to you and share everything openly and honestly and completely and i will do the same and we can live happilly ever after forever and ever...

yes i was once in love with amy
and i will always be in love with amy
but that doesn't mean i can't love you
for there are others still in my heart too

you know love does not end if you don't pretend
if you believe that true love is true
so everyone i've ever loved is here with me
and if you can't accept that as reality

then we really ought to just be friends
if you think true love can end
but if you can accept and embrace all the love i ever knew
then i will do my best to do the same for you

i may never find the right one
for everyone tells me to keep this truth inside
i don't think that hiding is fun
and i will not trust a heart that has lied

so maybe i will be alone as this life ends
even though i live to be in love
a heart never breaks if it learns to bend
that is the heart i dream of

i just want to find the one who wants all of me
and i want to love all you have ever been as well
it won't work if we can't share each others fantasy
it won't work if there are stories you can't tell

so welcome to my world and all the love i've ever known
never letting go of true love is how my heart has grown
there is endless love inside if we just never choose to hide
tell me everything and let go of fear shame and pride

you know love does not end if you don't pretend
if you believe that true love is true
so everyone i've ever loved is here with me
and if you've know true love you know the same is true for you
tell me everything and we can make everything new
tell me everything and and i'll do the same for you
trust me with everything...
that's how to make love true

ok so guess it wasn't quite over when i thought it was over... took a potty break and came back to find this (and a dozen before... you really ought to start ten or twelve entries back to see what happened last night... or the past few days... or this month, for that matter... it is a december (da da dahhhhhh!), after all, if you recall what that means and if you don't, all the more reason to review and ask after you do)... unless of course you are just passing through and don't really want to know me which is ok, fine even, but jhust in case you do, we have our ways you should know...

so what do you think?... what do you feel?... illusion?... delusion?... or is it real?... can anyone overcome the fear?... someday my princess will appear (thank you walt disney, wherever you are)... it has been an energetic night for the muses, many nights, actually, and days too... far from the magic, but a glimmer of hope may be twinklinf out there in here somewhere (i do believe)... could it really be a return of the secret art (and madness) of redundant repetitivity?... it's actually still not quite 6am, but i am uploading entries that will pop up automatically while i sleep... cuz i do need sleep (and the body wants to heal, arm muscles, remember?) and i never know which entry i should leave up for the whole day (or days if i get too busy)... nice to take a few days off to sit here alone and let the words flow... hope the explanations don't ruin the mood for you... you do have a mood, right?... what is it?...

narf :)

who are we?

who are you, dear stranger, who comes to read my words
who are you, dear reader, and do i come off absurd?
my pleading, my calling, for someone who can love
is not just a falling, or something i dream of
nor is it delusion meant for someone above

you are real to me - more real than you appear
i want you to know i love you for being here
i want you to know that i care
and i hope you care
from facebook i know one of you who stop by here with some regularity... from other older blogs and comments i know a few more and i thank you for somehow finding your way here to read these babbling brooks, minimalistic as they are compared to the babble once presented in these, my online written gardens... it is a week of memories which lead to vulnerabilities (and those vulnerabilities are aided by the lack of income that starts in a couple of weeks, not to mention the time of year) and i hope the fragility and manic repository of emo has not pushed away the rational minds of reason and positivity that i wish to attract in my meanderings online... there is always hope, aye? :)

i wonder if there are others who remain silent and why you find your way here... what worth is in this gush of words for you?... is there any more than the simple gift of distraction that i often find reading words (or listening to music or watching tv)?... are there deeper connections, inspirations, and at least occasionally, value that you actually can take away personally and build on in your daily life?...

curiosity is insatiable still in my mind, even though it has been ignored for quite some time... i hope the words i share here are worth more than the release and hope they are to me... and no matter what reason or rhyme brings you here, i thank you for reading...

nothing else matters

all the drama goes away the moment i'm in love... all the complaints seem meaningless when i am in love... everything wrong anywhere becomes clearly somewhere out there and all that matters is what's here and now when i'm in love... here and now when i'm in love... being in love creates a comfort zone, and safety zone, a private zone that buffers all the negative energy and keeps it all away from me and my love when i'm in love...

can psychology explain it?... can youtube?... what? (i am so easily distracted, ya know?)... but can science explain love?... huh?... biochemistry?... biology?... ted?... sexuality> attraction?... what's the difference? (seems divisions and analysis defeats the purpose, but then, fear does that... which is why fear based religions do that, but we digress)... i want to sing...

you turn on my dopamine
you get me high
i am addicted to you
i don't know why

you turn on my adrenaline
you get me wired
i feel a buzzing inside
when you are around
i am inspired
to tell you you am desired
you are desired

you light my fire
you take me higher and higher and higher

you turn on my norepinephrine
maybe i need a little more seratonine
you turn on my oxytocin
i crave your pheremones
i crave your sweetest moans

you inspire my desire
yes, you light my fire
you take me higher and higher and higher

i want to know all of your secrets
and i want you to know all of mine
can i look into your eyes for an hour or two
can i run my fingers along your spine

will you give me a chance to earn your trust
for trust is so much more important than lust
will you invest yourself, your time and energy
in the feeling you feel when you are with me

and if you feel the way i feel
will you let it be real
let it be real

do i turn on your dopamine
do i get you high
are you always wanting me
and don't know why

do i turn on your adrenaline
do you feel wired
do you feel a buzzing inside
when i am around
are you inspired
to tell me i am desired

you light my fire
you take me higher and higher and higher

you turn on my norepinephrine
maybe i need a little more seratonine
you turn on my oxytocin
i crave your pheremones
i crave your sweetest moans

you inspire my desire
yes, you light my fire
you take me higher and higher and higher

i want to know all of your secrets
and i want you to know all of mine
can i look into your eyes for an hour or two
can i run my fingers along your spine

sing it with me
i want to know all of your secrets
and i want you to know all of mine
can i look into your eyes for an hour or two
can i run my fingers along your spine

you inspire my desire
yes, you light my fire
you take me higher and higher and higher
narf? :)

about the stats

a cursory analysis of the stats provided free of charge by google tells me that although i may (likely will) continue imagining growing throngs of avid readers caring about me and hanging on my every word, the increasing numbers over the past months are false, not real people, and meaningless computer code attacks, spams, glitches, or whatever, ultimately, not readers, not people... this makes those of you reading who are people all the more valuable to me, so thank you... thank you much more than words can say...

this is what i learned about the stats today...

this youtube video shows up as the referral page more often than any other (44 referrals in the past week) and yet my blog is not linked on the page... and this blog is not alone... some code is recording the page as a referral page in a lot of blogs... the uploader denies doing it, but will not remove it, which is not showing consideration to the upset bloggers probably because he is making money because bloggers are going to the reference link to find out why the video is showing up as the referral site so often... this shows the fallacy, inconsistency, and simply, meaninglessness of the google stats) or google analytics, as they seem to proudly call it)... this youtube page linked above is the only page listed as a referral site for the day and has a count of 9 referrals or "traffic sources" from Sep 11, 2012 3:00 AM to Sep 12, 2012 2:00 AM, yet the "audience" page suggests that more than 40 page visits were recorded from Russia, a few from Romania and Germany... and yet the top ten pages visited span several years and have a total of 11 visits, suggesting random page visits are being recorded... makes no sense and the rest of the stats make even less sense...

and this particular youtube video page replaces others that were doing the same thing, showing up as referring pages and they are even more unrelated and random... see for yourself (but be aware, a couple are porn and they may no longer be there as these spam-referrers seem to disappear after a while, but somehow this blog got on their radar in late june of this year)... note i removed links cuz they might be threats... take this good advice if you are finding lots of visitors from specific sites you don't know to your blog(s)... here is google's take on it...

some referrals are coming from links i put out there in my own other blogs (and these are diminishing which leads me to believe they may have been largely me clicking through testing links or something... they are not updated often, in fact, three were not updated in quite some time, but here at least i know the referring sites are not spamming...

back door
stumblr
myspace blog
behind the candoor
so what do the stats tell us?... not much... besides the obvious that there is not enough information or filtering capability to give the data much tangible value, to be repetitious in an attempt to make sense of the numbers google provides, they suggest that today (past 24 hours) there were 19 page views from 9 referrals from one site... yet the audience page says there were more than 40 views from one country along and other views from other countries... apples and oranges or simply errors, the numbers do not match... the top ten pages visited cover a span of years and they only account for 11 of those page views, suggesting the page views are quite random and further this suggests that most of the page views are not people viewing the page, but rather some statistical anomalies and false views created by some scripts or codes distorting and falsifying google stats... ah, even accepting that i, like young skywalker, or grasshopper, for that matter, have much to learn, i still wonder why anyone would actually pay google for such stats is yet another proof that corporate marketing can sell anything... perhaps someone could explain... perhaps google could... i welcome anyone who can make sense of the stats cuz i love stats, but the simplest of analysis shows me they are invalid and stats that cannot be validated are a meaningless waste of time...

but as i said and will say again and again because it is the most important point and reason of all outside of maintaining my sanity (and there is hope, i hope), this makes those of you reading who are actual people all the more valuable and meaningful and important to me, so thank you again... thank you much more than words can say...

What Was Real, What Is Real

Maybe you were never here
and maybe you never cared
maybe you just used me when you needed me
I hardly ever see you now
but you still call when you need something
even now

and next year
and next year
will it still be the same
will you leave me alone
until you need something

we all need something
I need honesty
I need someone who cares
I need loyalty

we all need something
I need a friend
someone who won't leave
love without end

and still I keep this blog alive
somehow to keep this hope alive
that you may stop the lie
and be a friend someday

and if that time ever arrives
I hope I am still alive
so your heart doesn't hurt
because you stayed away

it is still not too late to keep your promise
to not abandon me like all the others
it's still not too late to be the person you want to b
it's in your heart to believe we are all sisters and brothers
imagine all the people sharing all the world
the dream really can come true
the goodness in your heart has the best of intentions
but what is real is what you do

what was real, what is real
is you only use me when you need me
but what is real can change in a moment
you can be the friend you want to be

another year
it is next year
will it still be the same
will you leave me alone
until you need something

we all need something
and when you need me
I'll still be here
I'll still be there

we all need something
and I need you to be
the person you want to be
so you can know peace
stop being afraid
to be who you want to be
true to your word
a true friend
true to family

the end of this song is waiting for you...

b

So many people promise to love forever, to always be there, to always care. So many people just drop that promise when someone else comes into their lives. So many people are torn by betrayal, living in fear, afraid to share. You don't have to be one of those people. Live up to the ideals of your steeple. You don't have to abandon your friends. You can prove your love never ends.

Yeah, yeah yeah.

Everyone I've ever loved has left me. Still somehow I believe in the possibility that human beings can be trusted. There are almost seven thousand entries in this blog, almost all written while living with my BFF. At least that's what she called me. A while back I lived with someone who called me the love of my life for eight years. We even bought a house together. I don't hear from her anymore. I gave everything I had to another who let be take the role of father to her kids and she left me on the street with nothing, literally, nothing. It took me more than a year to rebuild a life. Then there was first love. We were forever, or so we said. BFF is supposed to be forever too. Forever doesn't mean the same thing to me I guess.

There were others I trusted and they took everything I could give until I had nothing left and they left when I had no more to give them. All called themselves friends. All took everything I could give and left as soon as I had no more to give. None stayed in touch, except one, but mostly by text unless she need something. Yes, you.

I don't know why I continue believing in human beings when I have so much evidence that people can not be trusted. I just keep believing there is someone who can give it all the way I do and keep hoping I will find her and she will want to share it all with me.

None of the doors ever close. None of the blogs ever end.

That was real, this is real.

Narf :)

wanna have fun

but the energy level is so low (and the bloat factor is high cuz i've eaten way too much pasta this week... fatigue breaks down discipline and will power and increases impulsive hunger, in case you did not know) so low so low (and being solo so long {solo so much so long, even} doesn't help as the variaety of inspirations from within care become tiring after thousands of years, in case you were not aware of the facts of life) so low so low (are you paying attention and if you are, are you following any of this?... do you follow a lot?... am i writing these words to you?... how would you know?... are you curious to know?... why don't you ask?... are you so low so low too?... am i talking to myself... do you want to play a game?... how about ruzzle?... how many colors are in your world?) so low so low that there seems to not even be enough energy to really sleep deep (or is that the lack of space?... too much clutter?... i need a clutter nazi, whatever that means... if i knock on your door and ask nocely, will you come out to play?... do all these words amuse you or do all these words drive you away?... where is away, anyway?)...

before we narf, i will remind you that serious, even profound words have flowed through this internet so don't let an entry like this one deter you from your appointed path, whever it is you are going... when last seen, i was headed in a circular direction... and i don't mean spinning around the world in 24 hours like everybody else on this planet, speedy group, we life forms, no doubt, but rather i mean something less apt to explanation through modern physics or any other science, no less words... somehow, the motivation and energy for exercise is rapidly becoming a dire need in this physical life if i want this physical life to continue (and perhaps that is the question, to be or not to be, in case you had not figured that out by now)... please please me like i please you... perhaps i don't please anybody... what if, aye?... that would explain a lot...

narf :)

it's just a life

hey, Portugal showed up, cool... another country is represented, or representing, for that matter... and the number of page views continue to go up and i have no clue why... are you really real people out there reading or is this a figment of automatic spam-like activity from spam-like websites?... and why would these spam=like websites be sending you here to this blog?... to very entry, no less?... it is so very strange... every entry is getting at least a half dozen visits and some are getting dozens... and if it isn't spam-like statistical anomalies, then... do i have secret stalkers?... seriously, how many real every day readers?... and where from and why?...

it's just a life i share here... a fun life, a challenging life, an emo life, an irreverent life, but still, just a life... and if you are reading every entry and it's not just statistical spam, well, i apologize for being so flippant so often - and for not saying thank you more often... letting out all the frustration keeps me smiley inside :)

i complain a lot, but it's my way of dealing with frustration and not letting that frustration get in the way of life... i am really very lucky... i have a best friend who is also my roommate who is sensitive, kind, and a child inside, like me, and finding a compatible friend like her is not easy in this world... that would be jackson... it is great to be able to say i love you or love you to someone every day, or to hear her say it first as much as i do, and know we really mean it... she keeps whatever idealism is left in me alive... she cares about life and the planet and people more than i do and i so love her influence in my life... i ought to tell you that more often cuz it's way more true, important, and meaningful than the complaints... we wouldn't want posterity (or you) to get the wrong idea about my best friend, after all :)

and the rest of life, well, humanity is insane and i've got to talk about it somewhere, so i bring it here and to dozens of other blogs (and often link those here as i write in them... it's like writing dozens of books at the same time, though they are just collections of thoughts and rhymes and not any cohesive story)...

all in all i don't take anything nearly as seriously as it may seem in all my whining and complaining... what i take seriously is love and sharing and i whine and complain when i am lonely and not sharing as much as i want to share... and whatever else this blog is, it is my way of keeping in touch with me and working through the daily experience to find a positive perspective... if i am also keeping in touch with you, well, yay...

so thank you for being out there, and right here too...

and if you want to share something, not just comment, this blog is for you to write in open to anybody who wants to write in a blog... just give me an email address you want to use to sign up to google/blogger (cuz you've got to be signed up to write in these blog things) and i will add you as an author... or just leave a word here to let me know you are there... i mean, i know z and j and bloob and gm stop by now and then and maybe pretty often, but anybody else?... wait, are bloob and gm the same person?... and russia, how about you?... who am i missing?... curiosity is gonna explode my brain... you know how much i love to hear from you :)

or just just keep reading quietly if that's what you like...

why don't we sleep

more nights than not i could ponder this question but many nights i don't because i am nocturnal and love the way my mind wanders through the night as if the silence and darkness is a drug stimulating my thoughts and emotions into words that express who i am and so much more like literary paintings of imaginary worlds and stories and adventures and philosophical ponderings too... has this ever happened or occurred or queries in you?...

why don't we sleep
together
just for the comfort
and if stimulation
comes when we are deep
in our dreams
we can share it in
honest innocence
and if not then not
and that is fine
for comfort without sex
can still be devine
so why don't we sleep
together
tonight
just for the comfort
alright?
why don't we sleep
together
so we're not alone
tonight

what is that i wrote somewhere down below near the bottom line?... given the choice, i'd share the night with someone rather than spend the night writing... but alone, i'd spend the night writing rather than sleeping alone... seriously, as if the obvious eludes us (always possible, if you are not paying attention)... yes, you can see the answers down there near the bottom line... if you want to... from the beginning and before (online, here, at least)... did you ever notice anything? at all?... there is so much random deepness in (e)thereal disclosures, nocturnal emmissions, the truth and the whole truth, all for your visions if you care to see it's all here... are you really there?... are you are you are you, anywhere?...

chances are...

narf :)

this pitcher's mindset

sent an apology email to the team i yelled at last weekend... part of me still wonders why i should apologize for calling out laziness and lack of teamwork, but the old the way i did it distraction and offended games were played on me so i gave them what they wanted and maybe now they will hear what i meant because maybe now i will calmly and wisely find the words to say it much more clearly...

I think understanding where i am coming from is almost as important as apologizing though, so maybe after a bit of time goes by and everyone has a chance to digest and hopefully forgive, i'll share what i did not articulate well on the field and what i left out of my apology (because it didn't belong in an apology)... and if you've got the time, i'd like to know what you think and understand as i sort out why i did what i did (which was call out a the player playing second base for standing motionless as i turned to throw a runner out who was halfway to second and an easy out that would have ended the inning and then, when the response was 'chill out, it's just recreational softball' and no other voices speaking up, i told the team if that's how you all feel then do it without me and i'll go chill out, probably in less articulate words, and i stopped playing and let the other pitcher pitch)... so i don't do it again...

ready or not :)

i did not want to hurt feelings, i wanted to wake everyone up and nothing else was working... the ball had just hit me in the face and that triggered a lot of adrenaline and i felt desperate to shake it up and say sit down on the bench if you are not ready to move every time i pitch... i said that very poorly...

i feel it is important for a team to understand the mindset of a pitcher...

every pitch, every play, i've got to be on... this goes way beyond the responsibility of not walking people and of not giving a hitter an easy pitch to hit... there is a much more important reason that has nothing to do with winning or losing... every pitch, i've got to be right... i've got to be ready... my focus has to be as acute as possible... my energy has to be as high as possible... the odds are very high. higher than any other position (and catcher is not far behind) that i will get physically hurt if i am not on, awake, alert, and ready to move as fast as i can on every pitch...

this is because of something quite obvious that might not be in everyone's mind at that very moment the pitch is thrown... yes i must throw the ball a very specific way to a very specific and relatively small spot just over forty feet away, but much much more, this is because there is another person, sometimes a very strong person, standing there just over forty feet away waiting for the ball with a bat and his or her primary purpose at that moment is to swing that bat and hit that ball as hard as he or she can in my general direction... less than three seconds (less than two if I don't arch it high) after i release that ball, sometimes from an awkward position, that ball could be travelling 90 or more miles an hour right at my face (or any body part) from just over forty feet away... if you cannot visualize, empathize, and understand that level of risk and readiness, you should never be a pitcher and really might not want to play softball cuz it could happen at any position...

odds are it will not happen every pitch, but odds are a few times a game that ball will come right at me and if i am not as sharp, as alert, as ready to move as i can be, i will be hurt as i was last week... a pitcher can't afford distraction... a pitcher can't afford to have a conversation in the middle of a pitch... the worse and most dangerous thing anyone can do to a pitcher is to break the focus by saying something directly to the pitcher during the pitching motion...

i've seen pitchers knocked unconscious... i've seen pitchers blinded... i've seen pitchers have bones broken... i've seen pitchers with bruises that made running and walking (no less playing ball) challenging, painful, for days and longer... we can joke and say get out the violins, or we can face these facts.... so i am there, my mindset on every pitch, on every play is be ready to move... fast as i can...

when i see others just twenty or thirty feet behind me standing completely still, my reaction is complicated... on one level i am frustrated and let down, hurt (feelings) even, because i am risking injury with every pitch (as are they) and they are sleeping, lazy, or whatever, just not there, not ready, and letting the team down...

on another more personal level (where anger comes from) i am concerned that they will get hurt... infielders are only 60 to 90 feet from the ball coming off the bat... the harder hitters can have that ball travelling 60-80 miles an hour when it reaches them right at an infielder's head... if they are standing around unprepared, not ready to move, they are sitting ducks, targets waiting to be injured... i have seen infielders knocked unconscious (and all the rest) more than a few times just because they were chatting with a coach or simply not focused as i pitched... i feel some responsibility as i pitched when they were not ready... i set their injury, or potential injury, into motion... if i did not pitch, they would not be hurt - or worse... that is part of a pitcher's mindset...

as i said, few recreational players seem to understand this, what i call a pitcher's mindset... i wonder if i explained it clearly... i wonder if my frustration and anger might be a bit more understood... i find myself frustrated on new teams... i don't know the people and don't personalize as much... but just frustrated...

i find some anger when i am playing with people i've known for years, when i am playing with people i care about more personally, when i am playing with friends who have been hurt more than once by a batted ball who still don't seem to get it... it is so much easier to shut down, feel sorry for myself, feel isolated, alone, and misunderstood, so much easier to point to the you let the team down feeling than the more personal, vulnerable you can get hurt feeling, but they are both there and it is the latter than creates anger because it is just a game, but i care about you and don't want you hurt...

i get frustrated when we lose, but i get angry when someone gets hurt when they do not have to get hurt, when someone i care about lets themselves get hurt, or raises the risk of getting hurt, by simply being asleep at the wheel (or not ready to move when they are 60-90 feet away from a potential 80 mile an hour missile)...

if that makes any sense at all, then maybe you can understand my outburst even better now, especially when you know in this specific instance the adrenaline was spiking in me because the ball has just hit me in the face, moments before... anyone twenty feet away from me paying attention would have noticed... i've been eating soft food all week and chewing is still a bit tender a week later from last week's ball-to-face hit, but that adrenaline and injury does not excuse what i said or how i said it or what i did... it just woke up the reality of the risk in my head and i was too distraction, upset, hurt, and angry to articulate (and this is where much of the anger comes from, my own inability to express myself and be understood in the heat of the moment, it's more anger at myself turned outward and the kind of anger we have at kids when they run into the street, but let's not let psychobabble distract from the serious point here... there'll be time down the road, i hope)...

we know what triggers are... my triggers right then were the sharp pain in my face which heightened my awareness of the risks that i feel a couple of people do not take seriously on this team, and the response around me (and maybe i shut out other voices)... all i was hearing (at least in my head) was the same thing i hear a lot when my adrenaline starts pumping - that it's ok to stand around on the field because it's just recreational softball... it really is not ok, it causes injuries...

this thing i call a pitcher's mindset explanation is not meant to excuse anything i did, it is meant to hopefully help you understand what goes through my mind every pitch and how vulnerable we all are, especially those closest to the bat (catcher, yeah you, but you are always so awake and alert and positive - and thank you so much for that, that i feel safer for you and not as distracted), and maybe it helps you understand how responsible i feel because i start the ball in motion...

i don't know how others will react to this... i did not want to excuse myself or explain myself and distract from the first point in the email to the team - that i did not mean to hurt feelings and i wish i didn't hurt feelings and i am sorry that i did hurt feelings... i do not want this 'pitcher's mindset' to be viewed as an excuse or trivial rationalizing or as insincere crap, because it is not... it is just what is in my head and heart every time i pitch a ball... i'd like it to matter to my friends...

ah, so that's a pitcher's mindset... well, at least that is this pitcher's mindset... i wonder if anybody else understands... hope so...

thank you dear readers, for riding along on this one... we'll be back to the less emotional (e)thereal reports of the mundane and trivial facts of life that you all love so dearly in the next entry...

snarf...

do you ever wonder?

what is real and what is illusion?... what is serious and what is teasing?... what is life, and what is the story... the fantasy... the reality... the story of a life... do you ever stop to wonder, who i am?... do you ever really want to know?...

how about you... do you ever stop to wonder, who you are?... what is real?... what is illusion?... is it clear in your mind, in your mind, in your way, in your life?... are you spirit or flesh or both?... how do you know for sure?... can you tell?...

it is a time of change, a year comes to a close by the calendar most people accept as the party time to celebrate a year moving on... out with the old, in with the new, resolutions, changes, hopes... are you making any changes?...

my hope is that you are changing something for the better... my hope is that you are taking the power within you and moving the pieces of your life around, moving yourself around to take a step or few closer to where you want to be, to what you want to be right there where you are... you are inside, you are...

magic...

why are you here?

perhaps a better question is are you here? or even where are you? as the latter has more hope for an answer... i mean, is there anything more annoying than late night commercial pitch men screaming twice as loud as any show the commercials are interrupting?... well, maybe that is not what i meant, but it is annoying, right?... feel free to answer at your leisure... i need to find a doctor... i have almost $1500 in a medical savings account that i will lose in a month if i don't use it... stupid plan, these medical savings accounts... but that wasn't what i came here to write about either... wondering about you, that's what this entry was gonna be about... still?... well, as much as it can be without you... i mean, i can wonder about you with or without you, but finding out about you usually takes some response from you... so why are you here?... are you here?... where are you?...

aye? :)

so yeah, right?

don't miss a thing (never sleep) or fade back into the woorkwork of your life and leave yourself behind (along with just about everything else that ever mattered to youy except that little bit that hangs on almost accidently like that stuff between the riidges of your souls that you are not exactly certain what it is and you hope it isn't anything that might smell bad that you are used to so you can't smell it anymore if you know nwhat i mean...

right, yeah, so i caught you up on the past day or two and had fun plkaying with the words while the tv amused me in the backgroung with a few semi-interesting shows and a high school academic contest that scared me cuz the students were so relatively ignorant of so much and i answered every single question (senility does not have me jhust yet) and now, some snl that may never been what i remember it to be even if i got all the current cultural references...

i really want to enjoy the culture, but commerical arts and crafts sometimes are so biased and misguided that creativity and talent are sold out for some nepotism or random selection, like the jonus brothers, for instance, who seem to have everything in their fasvor, the music business machines, the disney push, marketing, songwriting, back up musicians, everything except talent... there are so many better performers in unknown bands floating around out there, it makes me sad...

it being what the music and entertainment business does to the average easily influenced adolescent... there is some great talent out there, but the ones sold as the best like the jonasses and miley must have the honor and backing and creating support because of their family connections because strickly on their talent i double they'd get to hollywood if they tried out for american idol (not that that is the litmus test for talent, but they have been doing pretty well over the years)...

if i've alienated you, well, you may just be another empty headed american adolescent fooled by the entertainment machine and i guess you wouldn't get pink floyd's wish you were here cd at all (no less the wall), or the us constitution or orwell, huxley, nitsche, vonnegut, poe, thompson, hale, franklin, heinlein, sartre, rousseau, or suess, for that matter but listen (and hold the books as if you are reading) anyway cuz it could make you seem cooler than you are...

are we in thereal yet?... party on narf :)

good day, better evening, nite nite :)

what i do in this blogging life (here we go, another sales pitch), as i have said, and perhaps others too, though shakespeare only told part of the story, is share whatever the physical life inspires, often interwoven with randon distractions and/or imaginary mental constructs... yup, that's what i do (koo koo ka choo)... if you want to know me, care, or simply have a curious streak (and time on your hands), you have every reason in the world (or at least a few) to click on the links in these blog entries, especially the ones above in this paragraph because, well, they are right there and i put them there for you to click on no matter how nonchalant it all appears in the flow of the words in the writings of the babbling genius, or something like that... so are you, reader, are you?... i see you there, finger poised on the left mouse button...

meanwhile, dinner after the big game (that was not even scheduled until last week, but that's another story, hence the link, as if you didn't know) was cheeseburgers from burgerfi... overpriced, small burgers, mediocre food prep, and inattentive service makes it only the occasional place to eat, but it's still better food than five guys overall so when cost is no object, i try to get them to get the order right and sometimes they do... tonight they didn't, mostly because they skimp on their gourmet toppings... so i order a cheeseburger and the menu says it comes with double cheese and i add another slice of cheese topping and i get one slice of cheese because their menu is deceptive... apparently the stuff on their menu are suggestions and you must order each topping individually so to get a cheeseburger you need to ask for the cheese even though you are ordering a cheeseburger... a good business plan for cost savings, a terrible business plan for customer satisfaction... which is why, as tasty as their food may be, i've only visited twice in the year or two since they opened and i looked forward to them opening for a couple of years... oh, how i miss cheeseburger cheeseburger...

life is lovely and thank you for remembering and sending love... i love you too...

and narf :)

oh sure

a banana and milk and cookies for dinner and then, i find that heroes is on g2... four shows in a row every tuesday night, at least i think that's what they said... this is suckage cuz i really like the show... and not just cuz of the cheerleader, but she obviously provides a big draw for more reasons than you know (way beyond libido, but oh she could wake libbo too {digging slightly deeper (dot dot dot) , you may even remember... it goes back a long way... irony or coincidence or fate {or softball, even without tv, see?} that it appears tonight, perhaps sweden can save us yet... what? lol)... not so good as it is keeping me awake and i have a very early day... and there's a commercial for district 9... i missed that the first time around... i suppose i must check out this g2 schedule more often... oh tv, you are such a waste alone...

meanwhile, i must shower before bed too, so this is quite inconvenient timing... if you were here, the tv might not be a waste ya know... and the one where the heck have you been?... you know i've been repressing my supernastural powers until you arrive... but is that it, are you not coming because you don't want me to go supernatural on this world?... oh, but you are coming, we know you are, every time i do... alas, there may be no plan and you are likely roaming randomly through time and space along with me where you are... cuz that's the secret... and now we all know...

but who's actually paying attention or even beginning to understand?...

so dear readers, in closing i leave you with my usual, but nonetheless sincere wish... hope you are enjoying life, wherever you are...

emails and old friends

this morning i wrote an email, two even, to old friends who actually read this blog... it was a good time... and even though i slid way out of email mode for a while as i tend to do when life changes and business (as in busy-ness) rises... then again, i slide out of email a lot cuz email reminds me of betrayals from other lives and the intimacy of words cannot be trusted and i don't much like to think about that... i just wrote something like this or something similar to an old friend (usually referred to as Z here) who is one of the silent partners in a blog family blog i started a while back:

ah, the never ending stories that long term email addresses allow are the stuff of romance and mushiness... yes, hello, here we are, and i still care about you so i am taking a few moments out of the few moments i have to myself (this is the first day i have awakened with an hour to myself in more months than i recall and in less than an hour i must feed the dog, walk the dog, feed the cat, take a shower, get dressed for dinner, and drive out to pick up a few friends who invited me to dinner at a fancy buffet today... be there at 2:30, are my instructions... it will be fun, but is also a bit of obligation as i don't see these friends often and while i do want to keep in touch, but i also feel robbed of the few moments i can think about what i want to do... one of the wants is to say hello to you...

somehow, for some reason, the blog family blog appeared at the top of my almost one hundred blogs at google-blogger -blogspot this morning... the blogs are listed in activity order with the last activity at the top, so i excitedly clicked over to our blog family blog and found nothing had changed since the last post P posted last year and while i was disappointed i was also excited cuz it might mean that she did start a post there or maybe Z or J did and then i checked and only P and i are authors there and i am not sure how long invites last so i sent an invite to you and J again (which brought me to find your email addresses and that is what brings me here typing these words) cuz you are still always welcome and i understand you prefer your silences but do not want access to that blog to be unavailable if you find a moment like this where you feel like writing something there cuz these moments can be so fleeting so i hope you at least accept the invite and that way you have access even if you never want to type a word there...

and then i sent that to J with some more words and so this entry is for no apparent reason other than to record the fact that i still really do want to share words even though there are some painful memories involved and also that sent two emails out today... amazing, no doubt...

narf :)