this pitcher's mindset

sent an apology email to the team i yelled at last weekend... part of me still wonders why i should apologize for calling out laziness and lack of teamwork, but the old the way i did it distraction and offended games were played on me so i gave them what they wanted and maybe now they will hear what i meant because maybe now i will calmly and wisely find the words to say it much more clearly...

I think understanding where i am coming from is almost as important as apologizing though, so maybe after a bit of time goes by and everyone has a chance to digest and hopefully forgive, i'll share what i did not articulate well on the field and what i left out of my apology (because it didn't belong in an apology)... and if you've got the time, i'd like to know what you think and understand as i sort out why i did what i did (which was call out a the player playing second base for standing motionless as i turned to throw a runner out who was halfway to second and an easy out that would have ended the inning and then, when the response was 'chill out, it's just recreational softball' and no other voices speaking up, i told the team if that's how you all feel then do it without me and i'll go chill out, probably in less articulate words, and i stopped playing and let the other pitcher pitch)... so i don't do it again...

ready or not :)

i did not want to hurt feelings, i wanted to wake everyone up and nothing else was working... the ball had just hit me in the face and that triggered a lot of adrenaline and i felt desperate to shake it up and say sit down on the bench if you are not ready to move every time i pitch... i said that very poorly...

i feel it is important for a team to understand the mindset of a pitcher...

every pitch, every play, i've got to be on... this goes way beyond the responsibility of not walking people and of not giving a hitter an easy pitch to hit... there is a much more important reason that has nothing to do with winning or losing... every pitch, i've got to be right... i've got to be ready... my focus has to be as acute as possible... my energy has to be as high as possible... the odds are very high. higher than any other position (and catcher is not far behind) that i will get physically hurt if i am not on, awake, alert, and ready to move as fast as i can on every pitch...

this is because of something quite obvious that might not be in everyone's mind at that very moment the pitch is thrown... yes i must throw the ball a very specific way to a very specific and relatively small spot just over forty feet away, but much much more, this is because there is another person, sometimes a very strong person, standing there just over forty feet away waiting for the ball with a bat and his or her primary purpose at that moment is to swing that bat and hit that ball as hard as he or she can in my general direction... less than three seconds (less than two if I don't arch it high) after i release that ball, sometimes from an awkward position, that ball could be travelling 90 or more miles an hour right at my face (or any body part) from just over forty feet away... if you cannot visualize, empathize, and understand that level of risk and readiness, you should never be a pitcher and really might not want to play softball cuz it could happen at any position...

odds are it will not happen every pitch, but odds are a few times a game that ball will come right at me and if i am not as sharp, as alert, as ready to move as i can be, i will be hurt as i was last week... a pitcher can't afford distraction... a pitcher can't afford to have a conversation in the middle of a pitch... the worse and most dangerous thing anyone can do to a pitcher is to break the focus by saying something directly to the pitcher during the pitching motion...

i've seen pitchers knocked unconscious... i've seen pitchers blinded... i've seen pitchers have bones broken... i've seen pitchers with bruises that made running and walking (no less playing ball) challenging, painful, for days and longer... we can joke and say get out the violins, or we can face these facts.... so i am there, my mindset on every pitch, on every play is be ready to move... fast as i can...

when i see others just twenty or thirty feet behind me standing completely still, my reaction is complicated... on one level i am frustrated and let down, hurt (feelings) even, because i am risking injury with every pitch (as are they) and they are sleeping, lazy, or whatever, just not there, not ready, and letting the team down...

on another more personal level (where anger comes from) i am concerned that they will get hurt... infielders are only 60 to 90 feet from the ball coming off the bat... the harder hitters can have that ball travelling 60-80 miles an hour when it reaches them right at an infielder's head... if they are standing around unprepared, not ready to move, they are sitting ducks, targets waiting to be injured... i have seen infielders knocked unconscious (and all the rest) more than a few times just because they were chatting with a coach or simply not focused as i pitched... i feel some responsibility as i pitched when they were not ready... i set their injury, or potential injury, into motion... if i did not pitch, they would not be hurt - or worse... that is part of a pitcher's mindset...

as i said, few recreational players seem to understand this, what i call a pitcher's mindset... i wonder if i explained it clearly... i wonder if my frustration and anger might be a bit more understood... i find myself frustrated on new teams... i don't know the people and don't personalize as much... but just frustrated...

i find some anger when i am playing with people i've known for years, when i am playing with people i care about more personally, when i am playing with friends who have been hurt more than once by a batted ball who still don't seem to get it... it is so much easier to shut down, feel sorry for myself, feel isolated, alone, and misunderstood, so much easier to point to the you let the team down feeling than the more personal, vulnerable you can get hurt feeling, but they are both there and it is the latter than creates anger because it is just a game, but i care about you and don't want you hurt...

i get frustrated when we lose, but i get angry when someone gets hurt when they do not have to get hurt, when someone i care about lets themselves get hurt, or raises the risk of getting hurt, by simply being asleep at the wheel (or not ready to move when they are 60-90 feet away from a potential 80 mile an hour missile)...

if that makes any sense at all, then maybe you can understand my outburst even better now, especially when you know in this specific instance the adrenaline was spiking in me because the ball has just hit me in the face, moments before... anyone twenty feet away from me paying attention would have noticed... i've been eating soft food all week and chewing is still a bit tender a week later from last week's ball-to-face hit, but that adrenaline and injury does not excuse what i said or how i said it or what i did... it just woke up the reality of the risk in my head and i was too distraction, upset, hurt, and angry to articulate (and this is where much of the anger comes from, my own inability to express myself and be understood in the heat of the moment, it's more anger at myself turned outward and the kind of anger we have at kids when they run into the street, but let's not let psychobabble distract from the serious point here... there'll be time down the road, i hope)...

we know what triggers are... my triggers right then were the sharp pain in my face which heightened my awareness of the risks that i feel a couple of people do not take seriously on this team, and the response around me (and maybe i shut out other voices)... all i was hearing (at least in my head) was the same thing i hear a lot when my adrenaline starts pumping - that it's ok to stand around on the field because it's just recreational softball... it really is not ok, it causes injuries...

this thing i call a pitcher's mindset explanation is not meant to excuse anything i did, it is meant to hopefully help you understand what goes through my mind every pitch and how vulnerable we all are, especially those closest to the bat (catcher, yeah you, but you are always so awake and alert and positive - and thank you so much for that, that i feel safer for you and not as distracted), and maybe it helps you understand how responsible i feel because i start the ball in motion...

i don't know how others will react to this... i did not want to excuse myself or explain myself and distract from the first point in the email to the team - that i did not mean to hurt feelings and i wish i didn't hurt feelings and i am sorry that i did hurt feelings... i do not want this 'pitcher's mindset' to be viewed as an excuse or trivial rationalizing or as insincere crap, because it is not... it is just what is in my head and heart every time i pitch a ball... i'd like it to matter to my friends...

ah, so that's a pitcher's mindset... well, at least that is this pitcher's mindset... i wonder if anybody else understands... hope so...

thank you dear readers, for riding along on this one... we'll be back to the less emotional (e)thereal reports of the mundane and trivial facts of life that you all love so dearly in the next entry...

snarf...