asking too much

the story of this life is i give too much and ask too much of people and that is why i sit here typing alone each day/night (and will until the one shows up... no compromise tried before has worked, so i am learning not to ask anything of anyone unless it is offered and then, accept what is offered and most importantly, don't expect to receive what is offered... that is the real in the physical world...

so the team didn't show up... one of the most important players, the shortstop, didn't show and nobody knew until a minute to game time and after the lineup was turned in... rush lineup change... another player was not there at game time, so we had to make another rushed lineup change and the umpire was totally uncool about it, demanding we start the game when we still had a ten minute grace period according to the rules... my mistake was trying to please the umpire who was going to call all the plays on the field, including balls and strikes... so our lineup cost us runs...

the team took the field out of positions, not warmed up, and were dead, as in totally lethargic for two innings, not fielding easy ground balls and making wild throws, sleeping at their positions and the plate...

i finally blew up at them after a hard grounder took a sharp hop and hit me in the face... the runner to first was fast and almost at the bag when i recovered the ball, but slow runner to second was only halfway to second and i turned to throw and nobody was at second... 2B and SS were just standing there at their positions... this is a frequent laziness on the 2B part and has cost us games before and this was the playoffs...

so i asked if she came to play or wanted to sit and she said the logical play was to first base so i was wrong for not throwing it to first... i turned to pitch and she gave my more lip as i was pitching, so in the dugout after the inning i told her that i didn't want to hear lip to justify her laziness especially when i am in the middle of a pitch and she said i needed to chill it's just recreational softball... i blew up and said something like so does that mean just play when you feel like it and let the team down when you are too lazy to play your position and then i was told to chill by my roommate, which infuriated me - where is my friend having my back?... too worried about other people's feelings, i guess...

so i walked out of the dugout and chilled, as suggested, telling them to show me what they can do without me because i am not taking balls to the face for players who don't hustle behind me... a coaches challenge, from my perspective, but of course the human way is to personalize and take offense rather than face up to the irresponsible laziness and lack of teamwork…

they might not have liked what i had to say and may have thought me very wrong, but they stepped up and suddenly were almost (key point is almost) all moving to the ball and their bases as if they came to play and suddenly their bats kicked into gear too... coincidence?... not if you know anything about sports and team dynamics...

i’ve tried many other ways, one-on-one, pep talks, explaining the basic fundamentals of playing the game, explaining the physical dangers of not paying attention or being out of position, teasing about getting some solvent out here cuz feet appear glued to the ground, nothing’s worked on the two laziest…

we lost 14-10, should have won... we finished 7-1 for the season and the only loss was 7-5 on the first week when the team was not complete or hustling... all but two players stepped up and hustled well after i called the team out on being asleep, but those two players were enough to give up ten more runs and they were easy outs at the plate, killing rallies... yes, the 2B was one... and the other distracts from the game regularly by moving slowly and chatting on the field instead of getting to his position and focusing on playing (which is, ultimately, dangerous… he was playing SS and moved to pitcher after i “chilled”... he walked too many easy outs and couldn't bend to field his position, but no one asked me to come back in and pitche... they did ask me to hit though, because that would be an out if i didn't... nobody asked how my face felt)...

i expect too much of people who sign up to play ball... i don't think so, but the lazy ones apparently do... if they don't see that the adrenaline rush i started by confronting them hard was the primary reason we even had a chance in the game, then it's time for me to consider another team and more than that, who my real friend are... that's what stings most, that jackson thinks i was wrong for confronting the laziness...

story of a life, i ask too much... honesty is too much... hustle is too much... not making excuses for laziness when a team depends on your hustled is too much to ask for... and loyalty of a friend is too much to ask for too... and i give my all, but asking for the same effort, alas, too much...

so my roommate and friend is out with the team and i sit here alone, which is why i am still feeling hurt... the team, the laziness, the loss, that's meaningless in the big picture... but putting the team ahead of my when i was visibly and audibly pissed off, well, at least i have the words to express myself to you, whomever you may be...

of course this is just my perspective and i may be wrong, but i am right for me... why put yourself at risk to play a sport when others on the team are standing around so your risk is wasted?... show me that other side, the perspective that says it's ok, set yourself up to lose and possibly get hurt, it's only recreational softball, after all...

and the dream that somebody will care enough to give everything and stand by me no matter what carries on...

did i say too much? :}