Days of Future Past

I return here only occasionally, as I do with my other "daily" blogs, or the dailies as they are called in what passes for a table of contents of sorts, I suppose (and this is where I usually link the other older dailies, but perhaps we shall pass on that much self-indulgent hope for your interest, unless, of course, you are the one, in which case you would have already asked, but I'll likely somewhat subtly {though my subtle can sometimes be like a brick to the face}, even rather nonchalantly, somewhere down the page), but this one holds extra special dearness as it spans the last chapter in this life where I was living the illusion of sharing, maybe even almost a family, for as much as it was... but that's another story. The point of this opening aside is I KIT (keep in touch) with that span of time within myself and this blog was and is a record of that KIT, for those who shared the illusion and for posterity, even if, in the end, is is and was always only me.

This entry could be subtitled Song Cues Abound.

Today I though of family. I can only imagine what it's like to have a family. I develop relationships with as much, if not more dependency than most people I know. Working 24-7 jobs throughout my career gives me a sense of connections and responsibility that maybe something like family. Perhaps that is why I have chosen a professional life of helping others a a level of responsibility that is tethered 24/7 to a phone that I am expected to answer anytime it rings. Them in the personal life, I choose to live with someone much more than I choose to live alone. Living with a roommate and/or choosing a friend to unconditionally trust (which is a whole deeper level of my quest for sharing families ties) may get me closer, though the relationship tends to become what a therapist calls enmeshed and people do not seem to deal with that well. I am not sure if that is because I do not need the boundaries most people need (and why I don't need them is another book or two someone can write, if I'm ever interesting enough to anyone outside of my head... of course someone inside my head could write it or them, but another time, certainly, at least) or whether it is because I have such secure internal boundaries (unless I forget, which I have done from time to time in my quest to understand humanity and become more human, to fit in, but that's an even older daily blog, perhaps) that I don't have to think about them. I ask little more than consistency and contact from others. So far, that has been asking for too much in almost every case. Maybe every case.

That may or may not be why the cover entry for this blog has remained the same (which requires future-dating it, if you know what I mean), but I just thought I'd mention that here and now as if it mattered and belonged here. But I really don't think I'm a creep, a musichead (who started as a radiohead, surely), yes, but not a creep. Sadly, the music died, but I never really said goodbye or even bye bye cuz the song goes on forever, so welcome back my friends to the show that never ends and do save a seat, or even the last dance, for me.

Or something like that.

Did you ever want to go back in time to see how you were and if you would have liked yourself? It could start with a short trip (though that could be a rabbit hole without an end cuz it goes on and on my friend). Maybe, maybe I'm wrong. I'll go on anyway. Walking on, and on, with hope in my heart. It's just my way, an impossible dream, perhaps, but I've got to be me. Honesty. Love. All we need. The whole world could be in love, actually live in love, if we wanted to. It would be such a better world. Imagine.

There is so much more to follow, more even than came before, from pain to bliss, euphoria to trauma, agony to ecstasy, and what's the opposite of depression?... but anyway, anyway, this is where this pauses in time and space to say hello to you. Hello, I love you, create peace and joy in your life, radiate love, share, care, be well, be aware... Whomever you are. Wherever you are. Whenever you are.

Shall more follow?

Narf...

part twelve ( ... )

oh no we don't (he said with some emphatic grinning), not leaving the clock unfinished, no way, not pausing one short of a dozen (he said thinking of bagels) and certainly remembering the song of his heart, he never cast aside the dream of being a storyteller, a writer, a mistrel as well as the gardener of words in an ever expanding universe containing this blogging life and many other writing places created to satisfy the love of words and sanity found in releasing himself in free associative prose and more thematically structured rhymes... dive in and you can know the author almost as well as he knows himself... ask and you can come closer... or skim the surface and create your own illusion of the person behind the words... that is the freedom we share here... make it what you want it to be, real and true or fantasy... or was it just a dream after all...

whatever will be, will be...

narf :)

part five (sorta)

screaming loneliness is not bringing me the one or any sort of partner in crime or life or even a new best friend and while jackson still calls me her bff and she is the person closest to me in the world today, here i am alone when i (was i going to write need or something like that?... in-depth self-analysis must follow, no doubt) want more than ever to cry on someone's shoulder and laugh at the silliness of taking the ideologies and materials (and money) and future and power trips and rules and stuff like that of this life as seriously as most humans do when all that matters is what we can share when we care in the moment we care and share honestly and openly and completely actually actualizing unconditional trust (can anyone really do that in the physical reality?... here i wait for another one who can) and this parenthetic aside (or is it the entry itself) is kind closer to the bottom line than intended so boom and all that whatever with a shamalamadingdong so why does it (or do i) continue through this long winter night (actually it is still very much fall and being florida, very much warm, but that wouldn't fit the metaphor i suppose) all through it, even...

is all this supposed to be going somewhere?...

narf :)

part four (sorta)

i am not sure which is worse, presumption or assumption but if you go by the semantic saying of what assuming does, it seems worse than presuming because, after all, wouldn't you rather be a pre?... in other news, the manic rambling continues as if you didn't notice because the underlying loneliness is so powerful that it requires immediate and incessant distraction that can only come from within without and anywhere it might be found without reason or cause or consideration for any sort of meaningful cohesion of thoughts or subject or even us, dea readers, but if you bear with me and stick with me through this storm of distraction you will earn your next level in the video game that brings you closer to knowing me (maybe, but who can tell distraction from the bottom line or reality from fantasy or illusion from delusion or what is real and how you feel and what's the deal from orange peel or facebook, even, these days?) that you might find on any one (or a specific few, if you only knew) of these blogs and other strangers...

what?... you must remember this (or something like that)...

narf :)

approaching 100,000

or is that 100,000,000 page views... closer to the latter if we consider all the pages everywhere that are anywhere in the written gardens and blog worlds i've uploaded over the last two decades, but this particular (e)thereal blog is technically sort of nearing the first mark according to google stats (much salt grains sprinkled on that), hence the title, and whatever will happen then... blip... blip... blip... yeah, who knows...

and here we are (whomever we are), alone again... is it really naturally or is it my choice to isolate myself from the game of life as humanity plays it today... rhetorical question as i may never know the complete answer or i already do, i leave judgment to you... so what do you think (about anything)?...

narf :)

being my friend

can get you one of these after midnight:

Apologies for being so out of touch... Life has been throwing some unexpected challenges and I've been so busy I've been dropping balls (life is a juggling responsibilities, after all) so part of me wants to buy a tent and move to the woods or rent a friend's backyard and retire really cheap ... Laughing is allowed, but it's a serious consideration once Jackson finally moves out and that could be next year if her new relationship goes well)... Did I have a point here?... Yeah, before this turns into the longest text you've ever received (if it isn't already), I just wanted you to know I really appreciate you reaching out a lot more than I say and in spite of my not wanting to drive anywhere (that is the biggest obstacle for me and I wish you still had the place on sand lake cuz we'd have definitely gotten together a lot more if you did and am I wandering off on another tangent?)... Back to the point this message was supposed to be about, I will find a way to get together with you soon... goal is before thanksgiving (there I set a goal)... Maybe sooner... There, it is in writing now so you can sue me for a dollar if I drop this ball... You officially have the right to harass me... And now I see the clock on the wall and think hopefully this doesn't wake you and you are smiling and we'll catch up on the ups and downs of life real soon... My madness isn't too contagious so don't be too afraid, m'ok?... is this the song that never ends?... Oh look, a squirrel... Thank goodness, aye? :)

yes, that was a text message send to a friend who sadly has been neglected by me in the past months, years, perhaps... he lives on the other side of town and i simply find myself too tired to drive over there after work and i've been so selfish with my weekends (and busy) that when i do have free time i don't want to go anywhere cuz the body needs rest but even more, the writing has to happen or i feel neglected myself and all sort of things go wrong (just look at the past four weeks if you don't believe me but believe me or not, they do, things go very wrong when i stop writing for a while and the theory is i lose touch with myself and let balls drop {the juggling reference again} and the world is really cruel to a bad juggler in case you didn't know so proof is everywhere if you see it so i'll just leave this parenthese now and get on with whatever point i was making) so i steal me time from sleep and on weekends and that is why i neglect friends and i want to stop doing that and now that i may have more time cuz i am not working perhaps i will, though i still don't want to drive and now even more cuz without income, gas is more precious, so maybe there is a way we can get together closer to here (here, as in the space i live in, is not good cuz jackson needs her sleep and when my friends and i get together quiet is seldom part of the experience) which would be best for me but i suppose that is selfish even though i have no income at the moment... wait, is this another message to my friend?...

silence... must be pondering or something... or some things...

narf :)

bits and pieces

that is what sometimes happens as ideas for entries (yes, there are sometimes actually ideas before, during, and even after entries... sometimes even within... cue dramatic music) just kind of pop out or slip out or jump out or slither out, even... and there is seldom time to pursue the ideal so either i ramble on rushing through babble hoping some sort of expansion and maybe even closer od the idea happens or i leave the bits and peices of the idea in the notepade until i have time to continue with some measure of concentration... for there are always amusing, interesting, or attractive distractions... we can always wonder if the precogs knew, aye?... but wait, who needs a squirrel when there is you tube...

and then sometimes i simply run out of words... fatigue is the usual mental energy drain that does it... sentences grow shorter and seem only semi-logical... like how can something actually grow shorter?... in any case, life goes on and sometimes the bits and pieces come together to provide some sort of meaningul message or something like and and sometimes the entry is never uploaded because it is meaningless drivel or something like that and sometimes the entry falls somewhere in between, like this one...

for what it's worth...

narf :)

woke up stressing

seldom happens consciously, but i suspect the stress levels are higher than they've been in more than a decade because time is passing, my self-sufficient completely independent time on this planet is less than ever, and i am not prepared for the time when i will no longer be able to work to earn the income i require to live as i wish to live which includes helping someone else as i've done most of this life)... currently, the third long term dependant relationship is in it's sixth year or so and the primary mistakes i made in the prior two, allowing them to become romantic and physical with the delusion of forever, were not made this time so there is better chance for continued contact and friendliness this time, but i am still alone in this life and my place in the economic structure remains worker who does not have sufficient savings to retire so even even though jackson has never paid 50% of living expences i will miss the contribuition she does make and i will still need to find someone to share space when when jackson moves on and i wonder if i am making any sense outside of my head at the moment...

and i wonder if this caused the muscle spasms or if the muscle spasms brought this thought stream and stress up from the subconscious... i think it's the latter, but i do not know everything so who knows... time passes... i am closer to the end than i am to the beginning and i am without a relatively permanent meaning there is no one promising to grow old with me... growing old alone is not what i wanted in this life... but i want compromise even less, so here i am... stressing over the depleted savings... i talked about financials and the 90s just yesterday with the world series roommate and that is the likely trigger for the stress, which did come after the back spasm started... chicken, egg, what the hell's the different which came first when you're starving to death...

aren't i a bundle of positive philosophical musings this morning...

narf lol lam sigh :)

black hole sun

i have no idea what it means, but it is a concept... intriguing perhaps, though it comes to mind because there is a tv show on the science channel at the moment talking about black holes on a show called journey into a black hole... many of the celebrity astrophysicists are babbling on about black holes and quasars and suns an so on... that strange dude from the florida panhandle... black holes eat like the cookie monster... right... and michelle thaller is so goofily excited about space stuff it's fun to watch... and we are travelling 500,000 miles an hour around saggitarius a star, 26,000 light years away... so much power, so many times over, master and maker and hold me closer spiral dancer... I DON'T HAVE TO KNOW AN ANSWER... I DON'T FEEL FRIGHTENED BY NOT KNOWING SOMETHING... why are you shouting?... CAPS LOCK... turn it off... OK... definitely open to distraction... and . . . time passed . . . days . . . whatever i was going to write here, this takes it's place... obviously (if anything is actually obvious), distraction arrived...

where've you been?...

narf? :)

and then it was one

one o'clock, that is... yes, as ridiculous as it is (unhealthy, even), and in spite of being away more than eighteen hours and falling asleep sitting here some ten hours ago, i am way too awake and waking in five hours again is so not a good idea... itchy testicles?... perhaps you've been sitting with the laptop on your lap too long, or falling asleep with it on your lap, or maybe it's crabs... did you fall for the distraction or are you checking your groin?... hey, women are not immune, even if you are ballless... ballless, is that a word?... looks weird... blogger doesn't do spell check, does it?... i forget... you good go mad and never know it, ya know?... then again, maybe not...

and then i stuffed myself with pasta or oatmeal and chips and more (depends on which night this is, not that this is any sort of generic entry or what not) and the scale reports a rise in the weight, again, and the fool lives dangerously closer to the edge and end and i'm wasted and i can't find my way home... at least for the moment... james corden is no craig fergusen, but he can be amusing...

i'm done, narf :}

and this little piggy had veal

yeah, i just had to call another italian place to get the veal parm sub and while i was at it i added stuffed shells... unfortunately, i had to deal with the idiot girl who takes orders at the second place (i've hung on and given up on ordering more than once because she doesn't pay attention and may have a hearing problem, yet she takes orders over the phone in a noisy small pizzaria restaurant... they have good sauce, though prices have gone up and the other place is winning out much of the time because the girl there is like day to this one's night)... everything had to be repeated three times and once again i had to ask for the price and she put me on hold three times and came back with a price that made no sense and we discovered she put in the wrong order... she must be the owner's daughter because she is incompetent as a telephone order person and has zero customer service skills, including aggzasperated rude teenage sighs when she can't undestand or get the order right as if it is the customer's fault she is ridiculously unsuited for the job...

but all that aside, i'm getting even more food so there may even be food for sunday in spite of the pig out... jackson may be home saturday night, so i may share some (lol)... the first order will get here first, so depending how long the second order takes, i might be done before the second order gets here and i am boring myself now, so i'll move on to another subject to babble on about as i distract myself from waiting for the food to arrive...

as for the personal drama you come here for (if you are a normal human gawking at soap operas and car accidents and so on... or if you just care) jackson did break down to talk to me before she headed away for her niece's birthday... it is so challenging for her to talk about her emotions and all that repression is not healthy for her or anyone around her, but nobody's perfect (i'll take first in line for that) and i just keep trying to get her to open up so she doesn't develop ulcers and strokes and migraines and anything else that comes from too much bottled up emotion... so we are as good as it gets again and hopefully still inching closer to being the best friends we call each other... poor baby (don't call me baby), she works way too many hours and it's therapy, so you've got to have a thick skin and inner light because it is thankless work most of the time and that gets to her sometimes because she seeks validation and appreciation from others... her beautiful heart wants everyone to be happy and that leaves her very disappointed in the real world, but she does help so many people so much, she just needs to remember that and seek the reassurances and comforts where she can get them... being stubbornly independent and not wanting to ask for help doesn't help... working sundays is depressing her because she wants to go to her church and they don't have any services other than sundays... anyway, i keep on the path of enlightenment with her and sooner or later she will shine her own light brighter than any of the downbeats and negativity she deals with daily...

and the food is here so yum yum see ya :)

come a little bit closer (redux)

newly revised and updated (cuz there is a difference), this is still trying to be nonchalant in case you don't care so no feeling are hurt in the making of this entry... it's just an entry of links from the come a little bit closer section on the right sidebar all combined in one long paragraph form (for what it's worth or what it means)... fascinating, sometimes... and a fine test of your patience and interest level, no doubt (as are the links directly to the right, if you are paying attention and care - or want to)... the next level of secrets, of course... or perhaps, if you prefer... going for the record?... or whatever, it's the record of the life of sorts, after all... have fun, whatever you do :)

life ioi 42 delight this blog listening? anybody? writing time what i do here a few more words the habit of review for jackson and you the questions above unexpected promise you are appreciated hope i am almost giggly too desperate hello my friends this blogging life it's all about the kit precarious balance the folly of random genius who loves ya, baby? seriously, not really from another perspective too critical? (and links within) cuz i really want you to love me all about the moment before i check thousands finding me remembering home pauses miss you someday wisty wind (for the missing) i don't dream the way i used to the roller coaster ride (episode x) on our way to 4am a musical journey keeping in touch what i do poverty why the real? who knew? the surface deeper? icywtk baggage? vegging hard body all for you (narf) overtiredness sleepless nights because sometimes i feel truth or bullsugar people in real life history qualities if you can what i do is when i want more the most (e)thereal the hope of (e)thereal and then the dream ordinary excitement or don't (come closer) sensual compromise soundtrack of a life leave a message at the tone or check my calendar to find me a touch of me and my philosophy relativity (slice of life in the real) micro-managing the big picture not enough hours in the day blogs and other strangers the facebook life a touch of the real still on nature's course what personal ad? activity partner moving farther on for show (and tell) omigo privacy listening? stumbling when the last line is written

busy monkey

i don't get the draw of the blood and gore but sci-fi still tickles my senses, or fancy, the imagination stimulates sensation and without defences it's chancey, but if you can trust your mind then you must explore the vast unknown of infinite possibilities (or the infinite possibilities of the vast unknown, and by vast, we mean infinite, at least) and if you remember where you were or what you were discussing (or thinking, if you weren't talking), then you might understand the secrets of everything within and beyond life, the universes, and you know what... or something like that...

work work work, as too usual lately, is absorbing most of my time... in the hours that i am not working (or on the phone with work), i am often playing softball and still not enough to actually satisfy my desire to play softball (but it's not a game you can play, or even practice, without others and others are busy too so getting together daily to play or practice is very challenging... and for reasons buried deep in my psyche (loneliness and laziness, mostly), i've found no motivation for solitary exercise in quite some time... i have considered buying an elliptical for home, but i wonder if the ease of availability would increase the exercise or if the end of the world as we know it has already arrived and blah blah blah, you know? (if you do, well feel free to explain it to me)... several birthday dinners happen in aprils so there is more reason to miss sleep, and then there is babbling, which is the method to the madness and keeps the madhouse in my head from spilling into the real world which would further interfere with any successes as i am not in the almost anything goes world of the creative arts but rather have expectations much closer to what is collectively viewed as normalcy by the vast majority of the populace in this culture at this time... yeah, i'm a busy monkey...

meanwhile, for no apparent reason except that i was thinking about it as i started this entry that may or may not have any cohesive connection with meaningful thought or anything worth your time, the current and coming distractions include the expanse childhood ends helix 12 monkeys lost girl and defiance on the syfy channel

narf :)

who loves ya, baby?

whatever may come to be revealed in the uninhibited babbling in the middle of the night, those closest in time and space may not even notice as this blog is lost in obscurity, oblivious to awareness in the daily physical life shared in daily physical time and space... hi jackson, love you, love us, have you ever been here?... such a strange love affair i share with words... and everybody else i know, curly, harpo, helena, so many others (don't feel bad if i didn't mention your imaginary name, i didn't even know you were here cuz i promised i would not read your mind, remember?)... you say you want to know me, love me, keep in touch and yet, here i am... da boogey man sharing freely in the middle of da night, ya ya ya, yeah, yeah, yeah... yeah...

someone noticed this one recently, so maybe it's you... you must remember this, however, however old and faded and worn the concept, it is nonetheless still the most true of all... just listen to your heart, as mail order annie said, or was that dreamboat annie... hey annie, where did you go?... come on, the references abound, or else, just be who you are and be real... come a little bit closer, why don'tcha? (don't ask me why... or do, even) wouldn't it be amazing if we all reached out and touched someone at the same time?... or maybe, just reach out and touch someone...

amy, shari, barb, where are you?... ray and tom and turk and steve?... heidi, bobbie, and yeah, you sandy... when did we forget how to believe?... gail and all the little ones not so little anymore, how can i be sure, in this world that is constantly changing, why are none of you knocking on my door?... i could name so many others, still my sisters and brothers, but the point of this message may already be clear... there is always hope (i hope) for more sharing cuz you can find me caring about you here... there's always more love waiting for you... right here... we see what we wanna see...


so anyway, i loves ya, baby... and your little dog too . . .

narf :)

cuz i really want you to love me

when we wonder why i am here rambling on and on and on and on as if there is no end to the flow of words or thoughts or ideas or feelings or creative madness or opinions or ridiculously seemingly obligatory drama (affected, contrived, or artificial) one of the primary answers, obvious or not, is the title of this entry... seriously and sincerely, i want you to love me... i also want world peace and a world without suffering and if you love me, that's a start cuz if we all loved each other, we be a whole lot closer to peace and harmlessness and no suffering than we are right now (and we might even get there) so how about it?... i'll love you and you'll love me and we'll be one big family... come on, affected fake pruple dinosaurs aside, it's a great idea... the most important idea... and the only idea that matters if we are to survive as a species, actually... cuz if we actually love each other we will figure out solutions to all the crap we create and divisions we force between ourselves... besides, your god, no matter who he, she, or it is, wants you to... don't you love your god and want to please your god?... and if you've got no god you know this is right as well as anyone with a god so get over the fear and love me (and everybody, m'ok?)... narf :)

yeah, that's the ticket... so how about it, aye? :)

food and weight

the weight loss program stalled this week because i let my carb craving wake up and ate pasta a cheese a few times and i am still not increasing daily exercise, so what can we expect... still in the 190s though, so we can be happy that the weight is not going up... dinner earlier was a near pureed spread made of salmon, clams, chicken, onions, spices, fat free thousand island dressing, mayonnaise, and fat free cheddar cheese... dessert was nuts and chocolate milk made with 50% crushed ice, stevia, cocoa, and some chocolate syrup (forgot the vanilla)... probably more calories than i burned today because i didn't exercise but not more than 1500 calories and likelt closer to 1200 calories but i still feel bloated so the answer, my friends, is not blowing in the wind or even blowing into the wind, but rather exercising more, burning more calories than consumed... that way the weight loss desired will continue and the body will be faster, healthier, and easier to manage (and better at softball and other sports, though exercise to prevent muscle loss is essential to that healthy and effective weight loss)...

catching up a bit

softball is in semi-full swing again (though limiting it to four days a week, including one practice day) as i play on monday and friday evenings and sundays with a practice every other saturday morning and so far, the winning is winning over the losing giving all three of my teams winning records that i lose track of after the first or second games... the sunday team, having played our second game today, is 2-0 even though the team played poorly in the field both games and hit poorly in the second game today... hopefully we will get better as this is the season that determines which two teams goes to the world series and while we've gone the past two years, it was only because two other teams did not want to go the past two years so we took the second spot and we did not do well at the series (fun as it is to go away somewhere for a week of softball) and this season we have five or six new players with varying limited skills and minimal softball knowledge and a couple of them seem to think they know enough to coach, which does not bode well for winning... still, there's always hope... the other two teams are on track for the playoffs in both leagues even though the leagues are mixed with a few much better teams and a few really weak teams and we are in the middle... outcomes aside, i love to play and wish i had time to play more and so i am having fun...

life is mostly about work these days since taking the new job back in the fall of 2013 and that is sometimes frustrating as i am deeply lonely deep inside even though i rarely have time to feel it deeply or explore it or express it (or wallow in it, so being busy has some positive going for it) and yet i love the work i do and need to remind myself to head home after working through the day without taking a break or eating lunch most days because i juggle many balls and just continue from one to the next as they rise to become the next priority... so closer to the bottom line reality of this life, i am happy doing what i do in spite of the loneliness because i love what i do...

at home, jackson is home even less than i am which makes it tough for happiness the dog especially since he is getting old and has accidents when left alone for long hours so jackson drives 15 miles each way (at least a 45 minute driving time round trip) just to walk him which is an extra $70-$80 a month on top of other expenses (especially since her other job is 15+ miles in the opposite direction), but the good news is happiness is still playful and jackson is paying more of her bills even as she is risking burning herself out... so i am out at work 50-60 hours a week most weeks with 10-20 hours doing work for work at home and she is out at work 90-100 hours most weeks and works home too and we try to watch a few tv shows and have dinner together a few times a week just to remember what we look like... happy idiots, perhaps, but i, for one, still wonder how humans ever got to this point where life is so much about making money and so little about actually experiencing the full randomness and social experience of life...

we've had some expensive fun, saw jackson brown in concert recently and saw other concerts and shows over the past years (i'll forget many if i try to list them, but recalling some includes alice cooper, motley crue, the moody blues, chicago, amy steinberg, melissa etheridge, milissa ferrick, brandy carlisle... and a bunch of broadway touring shows too and six ucf football games and a magic game and a soccer game and more) and we have tickets for sara mclachlin and alanis morrisette coming up... and i play a lot of softball and jackson plays on fridays with me and has a bowling league on saturday nights and she gets to the gym several times a week for a couple of hours of strong workouts (something i ought to get back to myself) so we somehow squeeze in a lot of fun and good stuff and all in all, life is fuller than full and mostly much fun...

it's all a lot of multi-tasking, for instance, while writing this entry i have been listening to part one and part two of this discussion of minds i respect a lot...

what else do you wanna know? :)

is age just a number?

perhaps it is a sign of aging, but the popularity of this makes no sense to me, except perhaps as a sign of the sociological phenomenon of desperately trying to fit in, but then, there are stranger don't make sense for me oddities in this world, i mean, is it scat thing?... at least get a little closer to puberty, i mean, come on now... are you taking it seriously?... what?... ah shucks now ma'am, have you gone and done gotten yourself lost in translation?... this entry may be suddenly slipped in where you've least expect it, perhaps... or was that this entry? after all... sure is a hot one out there tonight... especially with you sitting on my lap dress like that... how old are you anyway?... and can i believe it?... do you believe it?... believe what?... the boiling point of a humans is?... so do ya wanna play horsey?... stop me when i've reach your point of no return... funny bone?... offended?... gosh there are so many different kind of people in this world choosing so many different ways to be and some just born that way...

touch me like we never met cuz there's a moon out tonight...

narf :)

stuff to do

i could be exercising but it is 3:00 am and i worked so many hours hours play softball and did not get enough sleep and once again i am giving into the fear that pushing the body too much will hurt it or even kill it even though time and time again i proved to myself that i can push the body to exercise even when fatigued and yet, every year brings this body closer to actual body death and sooner or later that actual point of injury or death when pushing exercise on the body without enough rest will happen and then what... the point of the exercise, after all, is to enhance and prolong life, not end it... such a delicate balance, this life, becoming more and more delicate, precarious, even, with each passing year... and alone, there is so much more reason to avoid the end because, after all, the reason for continuing the living process, besides enjoying it, is to share it, to find the one and share everything...

the least i can do is stand up and type so i use a bit more energy and burn a few more calories and avoid butt ache or rhoids or whatever... even better, i could buy that elliptical machine i've been talking about buying for years and actually exercise while i am typing (it would take some time to master the skill but i probably could, even at this adult stage of life, though it would have been easier to acquire the skill at the teen or childhood stages when everything is easier to learn but that is past and this is now maybe i could do something else... like opening some of boxes or at least putting some of the stores of food away that i bought last week...

left out of the chicken race

there is a chance for more, but the body is exhausted and the brain is too even as the chocolate and carbs buzz about which may be a bit like a fish out of water feels as it flounders and flutters and bounces on the shore and the crash could come at any moment, but for the moment, bbzzzzzzzztztztztztztz... bouncy bouncy bouncy... and speaking of bouncy, emily wickersham may be the luckiest girl on tv (though for some reason i thought of emma watson just then), even if mold and mildew will eventually consume everything, but i am closer and closer to simply not watching espn or any sports tv show anymore, but the capacity to see through the forced human drama (not to mention the self-destructive brutality) required to enjoy the game might return at any moment for brief game-long moments for life and attention span is momentary, relative to everything, after all...

i really never wanted to be in the chicken race, anyway, but sometimes i get a little lonely and forget...

narf :)