woke up stressing

seldom happens consciously, but i suspect the stress levels are higher than they've been in more than a decade because time is passing, my self-sufficient completely independent time on this planet is less than ever, and i am not prepared for the time when i will no longer be able to work to earn the income i require to live as i wish to live which includes helping someone else as i've done most of this life)... currently, the third long term dependant relationship is in it's sixth year or so and the primary mistakes i made in the prior two, allowing them to become romantic and physical with the delusion of forever, were not made this time so there is better chance for continued contact and friendliness this time, but i am still alone in this life and my place in the economic structure remains worker who does not have sufficient savings to retire so even even though jackson has never paid 50% of living expences i will miss the contribuition she does make and i will still need to find someone to share space when when jackson moves on and i wonder if i am making any sense outside of my head at the moment...

and i wonder if this caused the muscle spasms or if the muscle spasms brought this thought stream and stress up from the subconscious... i think it's the latter, but i do not know everything so who knows... time passes... i am closer to the end than i am to the beginning and i am without a relatively permanent meaning there is no one promising to grow old with me... growing old alone is not what i wanted in this life... but i want compromise even less, so here i am... stressing over the depleted savings... i talked about financials and the 90s just yesterday with the world series roommate and that is the likely trigger for the stress, which did come after the back spasm started... chicken, egg, what the hell's the different which came first when you're starving to death...

aren't i a bundle of positive philosophical musings this morning...

narf lol lam sigh :)