lonely i am

somewhere in a dream, was it just a dream?... or maybe just a brief update kind of letter to a friend, complete with the emo generally saved for nobody cuz nobody cares enough to really know the inner me today (wah wah wah, ya know?) cuz, well, sometimes the lonelies rise up from the depths where they sleep and no amount of fatigue or distraction or busy work will keep them down... or something like that... hey, i sometimes get the human emo thing right, i think... yeah, anyway, whatever, this is what i mean... sort of...

another saturday night and yup, i ain't got nobody... again... but on the other hand, i've got a body, the one i live in, and today was largely about it... the comment response to your previous post sums up what i first meant in the title and coming from there, this entry starts out with that thought simply cuz, well, it is saturday night...

and somebody mentioned that i ought to wake up my libido and consider getting into a relationship again... and maybe i really ought to let libbo wake up more cuz that is the best way to get this body in shape and therein have any chance of enjoying sex again (cuz i can find a lover, i can find a friend, but not honesty in the physical world, or something like that) and i might as well give up the foolish notion that sex has to come with falling in love with the one cuz then maybe i will be less lonely at least physically and maybe some sort of compromise or closeness could be found and...

yeah, whatever... i really belong in the land of make believe lol lam laa :)

seriously?... i would say there's no point in waking up libbo, but then, not having anybody to share with has never stopped me before... meanwhile, i've gotten quite used to subduing libbo through my taste buds... no one in the physical world has stimulated libbo in many years (i see through people way too easily more and more with every passing year, alas)... the oral orgasms are even better than the penis ones sometimes... though this body is getting a bit too old for the sugar rushes i force on it... desk work breeds laziness too... masturbation is better than faking it cuz self-love is better than forcing it with someone who just doesn't get it...

ok, so where's the self love then, huh?...

i chose to stay in tonight cuz i kicked this body hard today and it (the body) has a long day tomorrow... woke 5:30 or so to shower and head out to a 5k... the first 5k i ran alone as erika was my running buddy for 5k runs... i always slowed to keep pace with her so i never really tested my pace times... i still didn't today as i was not on empty when i finished (partly good sense because i have not run consistently in years and heart attacks happen to fools in their 50s who used to be runners who go out with a 20 year old mind set and kill their body, partly cuz i had a softball practice after the run)... i set a goal of being under 40 minutes at the finish (a time i still consider pathetic and would not have considered mentioning until this year, perhaps i've matured a bit)... i looked up at the clock as i crossed the finish line and saw 39 something and smiled... when i checked the chip time (the electronic chip they provide that times the run from start line to finish line because it can take a minute or more to reach the start line and the clock above the finish line starts when the first person crosses the start line, hopefully that made sense), the chip time was 37:46, almost respectable given my new found maturity...

all positivity and success and kidding aside, lonely i am, much, as i only met one person i vaguely know at the race and only a few people spoke during the race or after, no friends to share the experience...

so after the race i headed to softball practice and it was extremely hot and i did not bring enough fluids and i pushed myself and practice was extra long so i was extremely exhausted by 1:30 when the morning of exercise finally ended... bordering on heat exhaustion, loving the physical experience of pushing the body closer to it's limits... i went shopping for food afterwards, cooked, ate (appetizer: grapefruit juice, smoke trout, deviled egg... entree: eggplant parm, garlic bread, cole slaw... dessert: cream filled chocolate chip cookie sandwich... beverage: water... a reasonable decent balace of decadent and healthy, leaving toward the former)... and fell asleep for a couple of hours... woke a few hours ago and the choice between going out or staying home came up and realizing i had a long hot day in the sun planned for tomorrow, i chose to stay home and rest and watch college football and write... and so i did, including the response to the last entry and this summary of this day i just touched...

so i loved my day, even though i am still the only one who did :)

hoped you loved yours too :)

yeah and i did love my day, but still, lonely i am...