goodle is farting

later...

good night

it feels really good to play well and that's one reason i play softball, for night like these... 4-4 plus a walk, two doubles, 6 runs batted in, 4 runs scored... and pitching just as good, struck out 5 in three innings... we won 22-4... i gave up two runs in the first after striking out the first two batters and feeling kind sorry for the other team...

the work day was the usual... grown people with so much insecurity and power issues... the disrespectful baiting in public... the sniping in emails... it's sadly amusing once you see it for what it is, powerless insecurity... for a fellow director to send emails undermining me behind my back is so ridiculous... and i am doing better than ever not responding to the baiting and responding logically and somewhat tactfully when i do respond... not getting drawn into the arguments and defensiveness and power struggles they seem addicted to is a bit of an art, but it becomes so easy when i am secure and aware...

and then, there is the written gardens and more, the re-connection with one of my most intimate and once trusted writing muses in a private shared blog and more... that has the creative muses buzzing and influences the energy and positivity and confidence and happiness that came out in playing well on the field tonight and the words flowing as they have tonight...

so... lonely, yes... less lonely, yes... excited and happy, yes... and the foolish games the insecure people play are so meaningless when i get here inside... i hope you find your center and happiness and priorities too :)

morning doesn't really break

it just kind of rolls out of bed mostly, though sometimes it stumbles and now and then (too often for some people, perhaps) it pops up like bread out of an over-wound toaster and rushes around grumbling and then, something might break, but for me, morning is peaceful... subtle... and lately, lonely...

good morning world... and you too :)

sleepiness vs ncis

and compromise won... after eating more than i needed (clam chowder with whitefish and then... two bacon cheese sandwiches), sleep called.... so i eliminated the computer (hence this delayed entry... shhhh, the time stamps sometimes lie lol) and laid down on the couch and watched most of ncis and then nodded off during ncisla and was gone for unforgettable and woke briefly for craig ferguson's monologue (not that i remember anything other than laughing a few times) and to evacuate the bladder and then slept through until moments ago... showered and feeling shiney squeaky clean and resting some more...

wish you were here :)

amused?

so i eat two eggrolls and three spring rolls and the very last of the lasagna with a few meatballs and feeling stuffed, i sit back and watch alphas in semi-marathon form as the sci-fi channel appears to have showed the show all day leading up to the season finale cuz the softball game i agreed to fill in for tonight was rained out and instead of letting to food put me to sleep i decide, stuffed or not, it's time for desert so pistachio nuts and mountain dew has me yummy awake now...

after all, you read the last couple of entries, right?... that's a suggestion that you oughta, ya know?... oh geta life or something like that... i have more fun in my head more than half the time than i have outside of my head except maybe for ten brief moments in this life and nobody knows, nobody may ever know, and while that's sad, it's still no less fun in my head... even with external distractions like sci-fi tv and food and wishin and hopin and music and silliness and now, about hour and a half (or twice that, for that matters) before the season finale is over anyway and there is a semi-interesting football game on and i wanna have some fun in spite of the lack of audience, friends, sharing, caring, and cha cha cha...

so whatcha up to? :)

one of those entries

i could have left this one up for days without putting another up to replace it as the latest (e)thereal entry as it says so much about why i am here and why i am, even (i mean, it did make it on to the sidebar, after all), but this is the moment and that was the moment and this blog is about the moments that are, the moment that is, not the moment that was (cuz there's always hope, ya know?)...

even if it's just to say i love you...

sweet dreams...

and nite nite :)

it's ok

yeah, sigh, deep sigh, alas and all, sheesh even, which of course brings the giggle that saves me from falling into the pits... thank goodness i know my madness so well, aye?... yeah, you don't have to understand, after all, it's not your job to save me (self-savior at work, please stand by)... lol... lam... yay :)

everybody has been too busy to respond to my football texts... we live is a strange world... people would rather text or send a message to facebook or some other public announcement place than actually have a little personal contact... i try both, but as i noted a few entries ago this weekend, i accept that for the moment, nobody responds, at least not in real time... the phone doesn't ring, except when someone is desperate, the texts only come when someone needs something, especially when someone needs money, and all my reaching out is ignored...

ok, it's not that bad... sometimes someone does respond... just not today (the point, aye, and if you don't see me grinning and sighing and accepting and chuckling, you don't really know me, cuz those three words "just not today" are the essence of the nudges, the nibbles, the reminders i throw out at people because there is still hope that people are caring and are listening {or reading, in this case} and are out there and someone will be the one someday... or at least a best friend, ya know?)...

well, maybe you had to be there... to have this sort of hope and believe in the human heart and love and loyalty and caring as i do... have faith, you'll be there someday :)

hope today was wonderful :)

home alone

ah, i loved sharing that movie with the friends who were in my life when it came out (hi pj... i hope life has smiled for you and you are living at least some of your dreams... you were my favorite kid-movie partner, as if you didn't know :)

here, in the (e)thereal, i am home alone to watch some football... i could have gone to the club/bar with some of the team, but i am not a club/bar kind of guy... i am not even a sports bar kind of guy unless it's someone very special to me asking me to go... i did text my football fan friends (especially jackson who is even more of a football fan than i am which is one reason i miss her more on sundays... softball is even more why she's missed on sundays... but moving away was the right move for her (and if you remember, i know how challenging moving away can be as i left behind one of the most beautiful best friends i've ever ever known when i left nyc... hi sandy, love you, hope your dreams have come true too :)

ah, a bit of misty memories flooding the scene all of a sudden... could be a tsunami of loneliness to follow... hopefully my football friends will respond to my texts and we'll distract ourselves (or at least me) from the lonelies that float all over those sort of tsunamis...

and how is your day so far? :)

good morning sunday

and as you know, dear imaginary readers, that sunday for me means softball... heading out for the softball now (and the cookout afterward... some friends, though not close, are much better than no friends at all, ya know?... and softball, yay for softball... exercise is good too)... make your day fun :)

hello?...

lol lam laa :)

ok, so nobody cares

and that is not a wa wa wah pity party poor me nobody cares at all crap dependency on others caring for self esteem and worth and value and so on and blah blah blah, no, that and this is a serious acceptance that nobody cares to share the way i share, at least now anybody i've yet to meet... the words here and other places, the literary sharing is just a part of what i mean, but it is rather obvious that nobody cares enough to want to share here...

or maybe it's just that nobody gets the joke (narf :}

going to sleep now so i can enjoy the softball more tomorrow cuz waiting up for someone to care (or respond, or laugh at my humors) will only make me more tired tomorrow and then i won't enjoy softball as much so i am going to sleep now so i can enjoy the softball more tomorrow cuz...

remember the song that never ends?... anything can be that, ya know?...

have fun anyway :)

home a while

about three hours, actually... a solid practice where i pitched to everyone so i threw a couple of hundred pitches and i felt the left hip and lower back strain that is the result of compensating for the knee during the 5k and while pitching... monitoring so it does not become a secondary injury... good and tired... ate fish, eggrolls, and spring rolls for dinner and of course, pistachios... been on a serious pistachio kick lately... a few cashews too...

and watching tv, i may try to remember to check out person of interest again... mostly college football... resting... want to get to the batting cages before the game tomorrow, so resting tonight makes sense... need to save the money as an unexpected expense popped up this week, so resting home tonight makes even more sense... maybe one of these days i'll clean the place and invite someone over...

any interior decorators out there wanna come over and do your thing? :)

waking for softball

practice with the sunday team (definitely need it, hopefully the players who need the practice most will take the practice more seriously) in a bit, in the heat, gonna push the body as much as i can... still a little stiff from the morning 5k... wrap the knee and get out there, there'll be time to rest tonight since i don't have any plans (another saturday night, la la la), mostly by choice...

hope you are enjoying your saturday too :)

decent, ok

considering i slept less than two hours and the humidity was very high and i still have the nagging swelling to the knee that got hit with the softball last week that threw my stride off, getting across the finish line under 41 minutes (finish line clock, so under 40 for the actual run but they didn't chip time this one) is ok, decent, even... exhaustion now...

stopped at the e-pass place to get the e-pass fixed so it stops falling off the windshield (the sun bakes the velcro into dust, powder, nada) and now, gonna tap the keys and let myself sleep a bit... make it a great day in your world :)

must be crazy (news?)

just got to sleep less than two hours ago and now, quick shower and out the door for another 5k... winnie palmer hospital benefits from this one... going it alone cuz that's how it is... more sleep would have helped, no doubt, but hey, gotta live, gotta read, write, and create... gotta stimulate the brain... and now, gotta run...

no sleep?

not yet, at least... and still strangely hungry and still bloated and still weirdly wide awake and still long-term exhausted and still lonely... looking for something more again, which keeps me awake cuz i doubt i'll find much of anything while i'm asleep except the rest that the body (and maybe mind) desperately needs which might help me find more when i am awake and yet, here we are...

i leave for the 5k in 4 and a half hours... sad, aye?...

are we having fun yet? :}

ok then, once again

that's the ok, then that basically means acceptance of suckage... much suckage tonight... most recently, the ucf football follies gave away a game they should have won for the second week in a row showing they are not championship material and are far from ready to play with the big boys... ah, fooey, what a disappointment...

meanwhile, i stuff my face tonight with grapefruit and pistachios for dinner and then headed out to softball because i didn't hear from the coach that the rain had reached the field and called off the games but when i got to the field nobody was there, deserted... that so sucks because it took a while to wrap my knew and dress for the game and i got soaked just walking to the car and now my freshly washed clothes and equipment are stinky because i am stinky at the moment and i wasted a few bucks in gas and missed some of the ucf game and didn't relax for the 5k that is in six hours and instead i got home frustrated feeling used and nobody cares and ate lasagna and meatballs and pineapple and pistachios and too much of all of that and now, bloated and not ready for sleep or tomorrow's 5k, ok then, sucks...

no hugs suck too...

so i'll wake up in five hours and head out by myself to a public 5k and maybe i'll meet someone i know, but feeling lonely cuz i don't have a close friend around these days who would make the simple disappointments amusing instead of lonely and frustrating...

so how was your night? :}

rain rain and more rain

softball rained out last night and looks like the same thing tonight, though you never know with this league cuz they play in mud... hopefully they'll let me know before i have to leave since the game isn't until 8:30 which means closer to nine as they almost always run late...

work was work, even though i got there late, there was a couple of problems left for me to solve and the usual passive aggression and lack of cooperation when i provided the solutions... so i will provide the same solutions on monday and let the cfo, who is in charge in the absence of the ceo, deal with the lack of cooperation and passive aggressive opposition... the lack of accountability continues to be at the root of the dysfunction, but all i can do is identify the weaknesses and present the solutions and continue to advocate for implementation... it is for the leadership to actually implement no one holds the leaders accountable...

as you see, i've reach a point of not being concerned who might read my opinion about work as i share life as i live it in this public blog... not that i call anyone out personally or violate any privacy, but i have tired of pretending and covering for the leaders who will not hold people accountable... have i mentioned accountability is the issue? (ok, stop laughing, it's serious business running a hospital)...

gonna eat something now and then, we shall see... enjoy your friday :)

woke again

yeah, needed some home time to take care of plumbing so heading into work in a little while... starting another weekend of lots of softball and lots of exercise, hopefully the knee will hold out... a bit swollen and sore from the run last night... gonna wear something on it for the 5k tomorrow... and so, another day, another madcap adventure in monotony, or something like that...

make yours fun too :)

not dead yet

probably used this title more than a few times but it is repeatable as monty python proves well and so, no again sequence, just the realization and declaration that is... ran this evening, five laps, about half a 5k or so, feeling the fatigue and the knee is still not healed and the bloat too in spite of eating lighter today, still, yay for another run and hope for improvement even this far down the line (it's not wasted time if you believe it's not wasted time)...

layers of communication within the words and between the lines and someday someone will understand cuz that too is part of the plan, for what it's worth :)

and yes, wish you were here :)

home early

amazing, no?... yes, i actually left work about 4:45 and got home moments before 5pm which is exceptionally early and wonderful and here we are ready to play... unfortunately, it is pouring outside and has been pouring all day so the softball game is most definitely cancelled for tonight even though they haven't sent out the official rain-out message (and might not since our captain is out of the country... luckily i know enough of the umpires to get word in unofficial ways so i'll check with them in a little while... how was your day?...

mine was the usual without the stress, people not doing their jobs, directors not holding people accountable, directors not taking serious issues and potential survey problems seriously, and me cleaning up the mess they made... well, not everyone, just a very key position... sooner or later the incident will come where i will not be able to protect the incompetence and large heads will roll... until then, i'll take the heat to keep the peace cuz accountability is not a priority from the top on down... yeah, really isn't healthy, but still mostly safer than most other hospitals...

time to eat, then maybe some running if the rain stops...

or sleep...

just not here enough

that is, i've been distracted by loneliness, boredom, apathy, and the pain in the neck enough to not have the desire or energy or comfort to want to share a late night entry lately cuz it just reminds me that nobody is paying attention most of the time, like maybe all the time except an occasional random stop in and an even more occasional check in by a lurking reader... that's so sad considering how much i want to share and then, it may even be a reflection of the real worth/attraction of my writing... no value?...

boo the the self-esteem killing thoughts...

nite nite...

a bit later

stopped at walmart (traffic was worse than i'd ever seen it tonight) for a money drop so i got home later and just finished eating more lasagna (hey, at least i didn't stop for halloween candy or anything else while in the clutches of the dreaded consumer black hole... life sure will get sweet and simple when that come around finally gets here lol :)

ah, tighten the belt and continue enjoying life... and what is up in your world?... work is probably going to be less tense for the next two weeks as the ceo is on vacation out of the country (must be nice to have the throw away money he has, but nobody's bitter, right?... snarkle... i know $ on the brain tonight, would be a good time for some good drugs is i so indulged... speaking of politics, i'll vote for the politician who legalizes the wacky weed and realizes legalizing drugs is one big step to growing up as a species, not to mention putting a huge delt in the budget deficit... i should have been a farmer, no doubt)...

yes, a bit on the eclectic babbly side tonight... always seems to be this way when i indulge the love of giving... if only i could find someone like me, we'd be eclectic babbly all the time... especially if she was somehow a gazillionaire (but how could she be if she really was like me?... lol :)

make your life the way you want it to be, the way it makes you happy :)

what, again?

yeah, putting the zig back in the zag with a wig and a wag and drifting away with a beat boy, the one that frees my soul so i can get lost in the rock and roll, oh, the sweet rock and roll... where has it been... somewhere out there with the one... and i drift away into imaginary tv friends these days and don't even write as much or browse the internet as much as i used to mostly cuz it is not comfortable to sit at the computer in any position lately cuz of the neck, though it's been much better since the exercise over the weekend so obviously exercise helps and sitting in one place in front of a computer does not which just goes to show i've been working a desk job way too long and so, late night entries are afterthoughts...

yes, again... wish you were here :)

yummy 'zagna

told myself this morning as kidneys woke me three or four times to urinate during the night and the kidney stone pain nagged me most of the day until late afternoon that i would eat something different tonight and let the cheesy goodness of the lasagna wait until tomorrow and that worked until the lasagna was hot again... but i did good when i first got home... i ate a big wedge of honeydew and a nectarine and then more yummy 'zagna... and then, after a really brief nap, more yummy 'zagna...

do i think it is less fattening if i give it a cutsy name?

and how about you, what's your cutsy name? :)

feeling the fatigue

or is it laziness... most likely a combination of both... some football, though fantasy has not been good to me (in spite of having the two highest scoring players in the league... can only play one at a time though... and my number one pick, the number one pick, is still injured... how did i not know this?... not paying attention... not really into it... not as much fun alone)... laziness maybe be fueled by loneliness, for what it's worth (anybody?)...

hope you sleep well tonight :}

'zagna in the 'ven

yup, got food cookin' and happy to be home, beat a monster storm into the place by less than two minutes (drizzling as i got out of the car, sheets of rain moments later, couldn't see across the parking lot five minutes after that... sun should be out any minute now (that's the weather report around here)...

sports and sci-fi and 'zagna tonight, only the one could make this batter :)

door's open :)

should be sleeping soon

shoulda been sleeping long ago, actually, but hey, sunday night wired continues as the kid in me just will not let go of every moment of weekend... yummy pistachio nutes probably kept me from dropping weight in spit of the high exercise weekend, but hey, i am loving the life i live (except for the loneliness) so what to do what to do...

getting murdalized in fantasy football in spite of having the best two quarterbacks in the game (too bad i can only play one)... hope you are having fun too :)

nite nite :)

good and tired

at the moment i am so exhausted there are just a couple of people in the world i actually would want around me cuz i am that stinky and achy and spacey... unfortunately, those selected few live too far away and are too busy to communicate much at the moment, so i am once again talking to myself and posterity and whomever might find this someday...

a few more softball games today (i am losing track of how many i played, which is much wonderful fatigue cuz the game playing overrides the scores and everything else... we once again fell short of the championship... for some reason this team does not step up their game in the playoffs and actually shows up late without energy or oomph or the will to win... not sure how they find that fun, but they keep coming back so i show up too... the days of the sunday championships may be over for a while, but at least i have fun playing with two teams in two different leagues which makes for a busy fun and sometimes exhausting sunday...

hope your weekend was just as much fun and even more that you had someone you want around at the happiest tiredness moments to share it :)

no sleeping in this week

which is not good for the psychological or physiological being cuz sleeping in is the extra rest i think i need at least once a week (cuz i no longer can do it daily but i did feel better when i did), but another long day of softball begins now... busy busy busy fun... if only there was a partner sharing the ups and downs and occasional struggles to keep moving and cheers and pleasures and joys, aye?... yeah, still the same old story (it was a classic, after all)...

hope you make your sunday as good as i'm gonna make mine (and if you share it with a partner, even better :)

of course it's real

not that i am without delusion, illusion, and make-believe in this life, but i don't pretend not to be without some self-mockery tossed in so anyone with half a brain and awareness can see i am just joshing, joking, kidding, and most importantly, mocking myself and the world at large (at small too sometimes)... and if you don't understand, well, you must have more than half a brain, or less, depending on perspective, or awareness, for that matter...

do i really have to refer you to j.k. rowling again?... what?... or road island red, i mean foghorn leghorn (boy's got the mind of a steel trap... boing, oops, there goes the mainspring), for that matter... such obscurity is essential for other places like bullsugar, for instance, or not, but here in the (e)thereal you are supposed to know what's going on...

raise your hand if you do... or don't, either way i'm right...

unless, of course, you suddenly do :)

perhaps we should go to bed...

ah, fear not my devoted friends, fans, and others out there... your emergency calls, texts, emails, telegrams, and assorted other communications have not gone in vain for i have been taking care of myself as you requested and here i am back to fill you in...

so i stopped by publix for food and then taco bell - long john silver's for take-home dinner (cuz i had no interest in waiting or taking time to cook any of the food i bought, but now i will have food for the rest of the week and more like two, possibly three weeks)... it was light out when i went into publix and dark out when i came out, but i don't feel like i spent that much time in there so it was about that time of the evening...

yes, i played softball today... only three games, but with the knee well wrapped and a modicum of caution, i was able to run around the bases and survive with minimal additional pain and no deterioration in the healing process... while part of me wants to go out and socialize tonight, wisdom suggests rest, elevation, more ice, and a good regenerative sleep so the long day of softball starting at 9am tomorrow can be enjoyed even more than today...

hope you enjoyed your day too :)

for the record, probably again and again

ah, fear not my devoted friends, fans, and others out there... your emergency calls, texts, emails, telegrams, and assorted other communications have not gone in vain for i have been taking care of myself as you requested and here i am back to fill you in...

so i stopped by publix for food and then taco bell - long john silver's for take-home dinner (cuz i had no interest in waiting or taking time to cook any of the food i bought, but now i will have food for the rest of the week and more like two, possibly three weeks)... it was light out when i went into publix and dark out when i came out, but i don't feel like i spent that much time in there so it was about that time of the evening...

yes, i played softball today... only three games, but with the knee well wrapped and a modicum of caution, i was able to run around the bases and survive with minimal additional pain and no deterioration in the healing process... while part of me wants to go out and socialize tonight, wisdom suggests rest, elevation, more ice, and a good regenerative sleep so the long day of softball starting at 9am tomorrow can be enjoyed even more than today...

hope you enjoyed your day too :)

like, whatever man

perhaps long lost sibling to nowhere man, running (ok, limping) out to the softball tournament now, hoping all is well in your world and someday our princes and princesses come and we live happily ever after and all these words i have left for anyone who cares (and the one) are not for no one (there are places i remember...

:)

who cares what?

of course, the obvious question starts the moment as the mood is sardonic, casually so... deeply bitingly so as well, but being mostly numb, i wouldn't know my own bite much these days... what i actually meant to mention was, did i mention that i got home and turned on the tv and found fiddler on the roof playing?... yes, as i was writing the comment response to the previous entry you wrote, as i was pondering the artsy dreams and collaborations that never were, i was watching the film that i first saw during the summer i was actually playing perchek in a sleep-away camp production of that show... like jc superstar, i remember almost every word (and once knew every word, nuance, and sigh)...

i should be getting to sleep soon, i have a very long day on my feet in the sun playing softball tomorrow... and with the knee the body will need rest even more... but naturally i am wired and bleary at the same time, simultaneously, even...

this propped up leg really drives home the point that i am alone in this world... no one to call but 911 if i had to go to the emergency room if i woke in the middle of the night passing a kidney stone or worse... no one to call to nurse me if i am sick... no one to call, kinda period... especially not late... this is so not right for the daily touch, but, i am selfish at the moment and at least i know, for the moment, someone is here to actually read the words... not like everywhere else i write...

though i did get some unexpected attention on facebook this week (figures it's a week i have hardly been there)... life is not as bad as it seems from this lonely foot-elevated chair, but it could be... one emergency away from the end, alas...

tomorrow may be painful, but may also be better too and come to think of it, except for the torturous loneliness, today wasn't that bad :)

hope you have a magical weekend :)

oh seriously ouch

the body aging does not help, but i totally fell into the doldrums of fatigue and lack of effort tonight after the first game when the team was puttering along and almost two hours later another game starts and i am lethargic, which is dangerous for a pitcher, and sure enough... well... here's how i explained it to a friend who was asking me to join her in a 5K on thanksgiving... thank goodness for my sense of absurdity...

i should be able to walk by then (my sardonic sense of humor is lamenting my very swollen knee {like three inches wide and two inches high and already all sorts of colors... might not be so pretty tomorrow though} at the moment... a softball going about 90mph or more hit it in one of the absolutely worst possible spots... the ball was hit hard enough to hit the edge of my glove, my knee, and fly past the shortstop into left field... ouch... driving home i was wishing i did not have a clutch pedal {yes, left knee} i sit here with ice on it wondering how i am going to play at least eight more, possibly twelve or more games this weekend... a tournament tomorrow and two leagues on sunday with the second league in playoffs that could go three games... if i was not crazy i would stay in with my leg elevated and iced all weekend and hope to be able to walk monday... luckily, i am crazy... this will be an interesting weekend lol lam laa... thanks for listening :)

hey, i can hopes somebody does, right? :)

work continues

just as i am getting caught up, a little, and i am ready to dive into the joint commission project that is the result of too many cooks stirring the pot (so many bosses and everybody's got a different opinion), in walks ahca for a follow up survey so the morning was shot... along about 1:30 or so we were done and we passed the survey so ahca is done with us until the next surprise visit or, if we are lucky, next spring... on to the jc project and fatigue and the pain in the neck was quite distracting... so was skipping lunch today, a yogurt was not enough... so gotta start bringing more food for lunch and snacking... the first of the three part jc project is done though... in spite of the bosses...

and home to eat, tonight i ate some of jackson's food from the freezer, kashi pesto pasta and veggie stuff... i added some ingredients for my tastes, sunflower seeds, cashews, a splash of thousand island dressing (fat free) and a dab of buttery stuff... and fish... and asparagus... all except the asparagus was jackson's food... maybe by next year i won't feel like she's still living here and just on a long vacation lol :)

and now, ncis (yes, i am starting to remember the shows too well) and we shall see how long the neck holds out... i know, see a doctor... focus on dropping weight first... eating like tonight should help, but gotta get the mid-week exercise going again... starts with breakfast and lunch, probably... yeah, i know, i am wally dolly doodling, or something like that... if only someone cared to come over and laugh at me, stay a while, play tennis and basketball and racketball and visit the gym with me every night, life would be much less wally dolly doodle and much more healthy wealthy and wise...

yeah, or something like that :}

2202

yes, this is the 2202nd entry in this (e)thereal blog (for the moment) and how many have you read?...

yeah...

later in the evening

still awake, though drifting elsewhere... haven't been to facebook in a while, more than a week perhaps... enjoying my imaginary friends at ncis among other mind games... fading into neck-pain distraction earlier and laying down to fall asleep semi-watching the tv... the couch potato life was never really comfortable for me, but i have slipped into it from time to time and i am semi-into it these days... thank goodness for softball which kicks up to four days a week next week... only three days this week, but a tournament saturday and potentially four games sunday (and one tomorrow) should be a good kick...

seriously achy neck tonight, gonna lay down now... hope you are enjoying your night and life and someday, our princes (or princesses) come :)

busy busy, eeep

more cooking at work today (not in a food sense) and another huge project i've had on the back burner forever is now 3/4 of the way done... i've decided to just do the projects myself once again rather than attempt to get cooperation from the two clinical directors and others who just don't have time to do performance improvement projects... yeah, i know yesterday had a bit more to offer (link-wise)...

and then, now, home and humus, cole slaw, spinach dip. peanut butter, jelly, crackers, onion garlic chips, nectarine, honeydew, grapefruit juice, water... a potpourri of odds and ends for living economically is easier when there's no easy live-in dinner partner... though the endless shrimp at red lobster and the seafood feast at golden corral have embedded in my brain... tv commercials are terribly fattening...

so how was your day?...

continuing again

yeah, so seven billion people wouldn't lie, right?... never mind, they probably would... the real (e)thereal, get it?) question may simply be have you missed anything?... like me?... yeah, i know, again the laughing lament of self-mockery as i ponder the loneliness of navel lint... well you aren't sitting here offering wild passionate love-making or even hot sweaty casual sex, are you?... no, so the last thing you remember is what?... that would be sad if the last think you remember is some stranger on the internet that you read but never or hardly ever tell them you read them asking what?... meanwhile, the night was absorbed by ncis and ncis los angeles... you may have seen it, but you missed it here... so what else is new?...

sometimes i am much more serious... how about you? :)

excitement, no?

yeah, well, it is for me even though it is all flowing one way and that is quite draining and sleep inducing at times... so that kicker got one of the two points i needed last night so i list by a fraction of a point which is rare, especially when both teams get more than 200 points (nobody else in the least got that many points and my team would have beaten every other team in the league easily (jackson won her game with 132 points... i lose with 201.87 points}... life fantasy is not fair sometimes lol :)

yummy fried shrimp, scallops, clams, and sweet potato fries tonight... homemade... and a yo-yo... wasted on sugar, nodded off, and now, lam... ncis starts up again next week and nobody to watch it with me (so weird that i am so into those characters when the concept, military cop show, is so not me... but the characters are my friends even if they wouldn't like me and i wouldn't like them in the real world {i mean, if they were real, that is}... a weird sort of illusion, these tv relationships)...

hello?... hello, hello...

you know :}

still alive (fantasy fb)

amazingly, thanks to a fantastic fantasy game by tom brady (a little too good to wes welker though since he was on my opponent's team) and without my #1 pick who is out this week, i need 7 more points from my kicker and i pull off a surprise victory (cuz of my missing #1)...

and my kicker just kicked a record tying 63 yard field goal to make the possibility very real... just one more field goal or two more extra points and i win this week and i have the most points scored by any team in the league (though there's no bonus for that)... so am i going to bed?...

actually, i hardly sleep in my bed these days... mostly fall asleep on the couch in the living room since jackson left... i do turn the tv off most nights though... anyway, there's fantasy football fun for one tonight... hope you are having fun too :)

balancing better

today i got a whole lot done, more than usual, at work and took an hour to head home to eat, stop at two banks to deposit checks, stop at the post office (which reminds me that i have not gone to check the mailbox here since i've lived here (jackson always did) and she's been gone more than a month so it's probably full of junk), and filled the gas tank...

home and eat (still too much junk, but also fruit and oatmeal and water all day), nodded off and yet, gonna watch monday sci-fi and hope for god games from my fantasy players (gonna need some great games, actually)... and rest and fun and you?...

yup :)

continuing alone

cuz i can't be right for anyone else if i'm not right for me (that's how it must be)... a second load of laundry is in the washer (the sports clothes) as the work clothes go into the dryer and i dream of something coming and it's not just in the wind...

nd tweeting too...

continuing...

sunday loneliness

and so it goes (as the song says)... a combination of missing my softball playing partner and my sports watching partner increases the missing of the roommate as i drive home from softball alone and i watch football on tv alone and i have no one to hang out with at sports bars and i eat sports snacks/meals alone and all this is all too lonely on sundays...

so after softball i stuffed myself with homemade chocolate chip cookies and escaped into words (writing) while the sports played on tv... i still end up smiling...

and instead of wisely putting this aging tired body to bed so it can regenerate the worked muscles well, i chose to start chores after the game and here i am on the third load of laundry writing this entry... still didn't do the dishes or get to packing/cleaning though...

and how was your day? :)

just keep swimming cha cha cha

ok, got two things done that are chores and since i have been avoiding chores with much efficiency of late, this might be a decently ok thing (it might be a good thing if i did not work tomorrow and stayed up all night actually getting a bunch of chores finished... but hey, baby steps to rebuilding life, again and again, aye?)... so i filled water bottles and now have three gallons, three half gallons, and fourteen liter bottles filled so i won't need to bottle filtered water for a week or so... and i started a laundry (so i didn't actually get two things done, i got one thing done and started a second but i feel like i will be awake long enough to get the stuff into the dryer... out and folded, well, i hope so cuz these are my work shirts and pants)... and life doesn't get much more exciting than this, does it?...

anybody?...

lol :}

backing away

seems i am backing away from facebook lately, at least this past week or so... tired of posting what i consider interesting links and thoughts and having none of my hundreds of supposed friends respond or even notice... the futile attempts at connections on the public social network of the century (so far at least) are getting old for now...

i am focusing on texting and letting people in the physical world know this... we shall see if anyone actually responds to come closer... who knows, maybe we will advance to conversation one of these days :)

fell asleep anyway

but only very briefly... an extended commercial for x-factor woke me after the giants game and then i got torn by all the stuff on the tube... a football game that would effect the fantasy league i am in... other stuff i am into mostly cuz of jackson (the cubs game, the jags game, the closer, and more), some stuff i like, the 9/11 drama exploitation and propaganda shows (yeah, i know, memorials, sure), stuff i need to do (like laundry, clean up, some dished, pack boxes, and more), writing, facebook, other internet, and a few more tv distractions... watching the 9/11 stuff for now, advanced loneliness could be provoked for many reasons here (nyc memories, emo-not-shared, and most of all, just seeing things so differently, being me)...

hung out with the team after the game, though did not quite feel like i belonged (my own stupidity mostly cuz i didn't bring food or drink or anything, but there's also that lack of a personal friend, no less a closer personal friend missing from everything i do... not even meaning the one in this case)... of course i am missing jackson more than usual because it is softball sunday so i texted her about all the softball and shows she's into and stuff i thought she'd respond to (pathetic of me, perhaps, but you know how i want to and try to stay in touch with people i adopt, so whatever, right?)... and wah wah wah who cares, right...

sometimes i don't like sundays as much as i used to...

of course that is partly cuz there's work tomorrow and the weekends are just not long enough... time to do laundry, i'll sleep some other time... ate way too many chocolate chip cookies tonight...

so how was your day? :)

nap would be sweet

but then i wouldn't sleep well tonight...

work distractions

yes, maybe other distractions too, much loneliness distractions as well, and i head out to softball with almost no sleep... wonderful... hopefully the team will focus and get their act together today, though i have accepted that some of the players really don't care about softball or actually putting in the practice and hard work it takes to get better and winning is not gonna happen much with them, but i'm gonna try to have fun anyway... after all, how many teams bat me in the clean-up spot lol... it's not the inexperience or poor play that bugs me, it's the lack of effort and not showing up to practice and still dragging down the play in the game from several players that isn't fun... we can have fun anyway, right?)...

make today fun, even if you are alone like me :)

shoulda gone out

cuz i stayed up all night anyway instead of getting the sleep the body needed and loneliness (the dominant influential emotion and thought lately) was just part of the reason as i spent a couple of hours frustrated with the tv blog cuz the formatting somehow changed and i have not figured out how or why nor how to get it right again... not as if anyone is reading or cares, right, whatever)...

must sleep now...

gotta trust somebody

with the thought theme melody of dylan's gotta serve somebody in the background the thought twists to a pause twist finish that goes something like

you've gotta serve somebody
gotta love somebody
gotta trust somebody
and in this life i have found
it's not just in a book on a shelf

you've gotta serve somebody
gotta love somebody
gotta trust somebody
and when nobody's around
might as well be yourself
yeah yeah yeah
might as well be yourself


and therein bursts through from the darkness of the pity parties and poor me whining and the doubts and fears and depressions and all the rhetoric and mumbo-jumbo of confusion that drove humans to buy into all the delusions and hypocrisy that forms human life and personality today, the simple truth that you can buy into delusion but it won't get you enough in this life to actualize more than a promise of better things after this life, so in this life as long as you are here, the best you can do is serve, love, and trust yourself...

perhaps that only makes sense when everything is based on the first foundational law, honesty without harm cuz without a truly actualized understanding of that, all hell could break loose (pun intended)... and for anyone who understands... where the hell have you been? :)

napped and digesting and recovering from a wonderful day of exercise...

wish you were here :)

woah wow yeah

took it to the limits today with a 5k run that meant waking up at 5am-ish and ran'walked 2 minutes better than i set out to do and then went to softball practice and seriously pushed in the heat until 1:30pm and did not have enough food or water (no food today until i got home after shopping for food, which was about an hour ago... did not bring enough sports drink (none, actually), so just water and just water was not enough but all is well, just felt the limits as i pushed through low sugar levels and approached heat exhaustion (maybe even stepped in a bit)... wise or not, i do love the extremes of physical feeling and mental status and emotional challenge of testing the limits of physical endurance and i think it's good to know just what the body's limits are cuz you never know when the asteroid will hit or people will do something equally catastrophic, after all (laughing yes, but just cuz i amj not worried or stressed does not mean it couldn't happen, ya know? :)

and how was your day so far? :)

early saturday

time to shower and head out to the 5k... maybe i'll actually catch up later... busy busy burning out at work, but all sorts of excited about the simplest things, as usual... and now, shower and drive to park and run... wonder who i'll find there (usually find friends i know who i didn't know was going to be at the run and we go for breakfast after)...

make today fin, see ya later :)

lonely i am

somewhere in a dream, was it just a dream?... or maybe just a brief update kind of letter to a friend, complete with the emo generally saved for nobody cuz nobody cares enough to really know the inner me today (wah wah wah, ya know?) cuz, well, sometimes the lonelies rise up from the depths where they sleep and no amount of fatigue or distraction or busy work will keep them down... or something like that... hey, i sometimes get the human emo thing right, i think... yeah, anyway, whatever, this is what i mean... sort of...

another saturday night and yup, i ain't got nobody... again... but on the other hand, i've got a body, the one i live in, and today was largely about it... the comment response to your previous post sums up what i first meant in the title and coming from there, this entry starts out with that thought simply cuz, well, it is saturday night...

and somebody mentioned that i ought to wake up my libido and consider getting into a relationship again... and maybe i really ought to let libbo wake up more cuz that is the best way to get this body in shape and therein have any chance of enjoying sex again (cuz i can find a lover, i can find a friend, but not honesty in the physical world, or something like that) and i might as well give up the foolish notion that sex has to come with falling in love with the one cuz then maybe i will be less lonely at least physically and maybe some sort of compromise or closeness could be found and...

yeah, whatever... i really belong in the land of make believe lol lam laa :)

seriously?... i would say there's no point in waking up libbo, but then, not having anybody to share with has never stopped me before... meanwhile, i've gotten quite used to subduing libbo through my taste buds... no one in the physical world has stimulated libbo in many years (i see through people way too easily more and more with every passing year, alas)... the oral orgasms are even better than the penis ones sometimes... though this body is getting a bit too old for the sugar rushes i force on it... desk work breeds laziness too... masturbation is better than faking it cuz self-love is better than forcing it with someone who just doesn't get it...

ok, so where's the self love then, huh?...

i chose to stay in tonight cuz i kicked this body hard today and it (the body) has a long day tomorrow... woke 5:30 or so to shower and head out to a 5k... the first 5k i ran alone as erika was my running buddy for 5k runs... i always slowed to keep pace with her so i never really tested my pace times... i still didn't today as i was not on empty when i finished (partly good sense because i have not run consistently in years and heart attacks happen to fools in their 50s who used to be runners who go out with a 20 year old mind set and kill their body, partly cuz i had a softball practice after the run)... i set a goal of being under 40 minutes at the finish (a time i still consider pathetic and would not have considered mentioning until this year, perhaps i've matured a bit)... i looked up at the clock as i crossed the finish line and saw 39 something and smiled... when i checked the chip time (the electronic chip they provide that times the run from start line to finish line because it can take a minute or more to reach the start line and the clock above the finish line starts when the first person crosses the start line, hopefully that made sense), the chip time was 37:46, almost respectable given my new found maturity...

all positivity and success and kidding aside, lonely i am, much, as i only met one person i vaguely know at the race and only a few people spoke during the race or after, no friends to share the experience...

so after the race i headed to softball practice and it was extremely hot and i did not bring enough fluids and i pushed myself and practice was extra long so i was extremely exhausted by 1:30 when the morning of exercise finally ended... bordering on heat exhaustion, loving the physical experience of pushing the body closer to it's limits... i went shopping for food afterwards, cooked, ate (appetizer: grapefruit juice, smoke trout, deviled egg... entree: eggplant parm, garlic bread, cole slaw... dessert: cream filled chocolate chip cookie sandwich... beverage: water... a reasonable decent balace of decadent and healthy, leaving toward the former)... and fell asleep for a couple of hours... woke a few hours ago and the choice between going out or staying home came up and realizing i had a long hot day in the sun planned for tomorrow, i chose to stay home and rest and watch college football and write... and so i did, including the response to the last entry and this summary of this day i just touched...

so i loved my day, even though i am still the only one who did :)

hoped you loved yours too :)

yeah and i did love my day, but still, lonely i am...

makes less sense

every year, it makes less sense... life, love, this body... so here we are (the ridiculously hopeful illusion of we that is)... still awake... and with a full day of work in a few hours and then softball at 9pm and then a 5k at 7am tomorrow and then the softball team wants practice, but i may skip that as i have a softball game sunday morning and then softball playoffs sunday afternoon that might be three games and there are a few things i've been invited to tomorrow night after softball (that i will skip so i can sleep and therein enjoy the 5k) and a few things saturday night (jury is out, depends on energy level as i want to be fresh for sunday's long day of softball) and so foolishly here i sit babbling on about sleeplessness...

but the words wanted to flow tonight, so i wrote...

loneliness is appeased by the words when no one else is around to appease it... and yet, sleep will give me the ability to be more awake and attractive when people are around... and yet, i've given virtually no thought to attracting anyone in many years... and yet, the loneliness is growing to achy proportions lately... so whatcha gonna do about it?...

continue, aye? :}

blink... blink... bbb

so, no run, but i have walked around this place cleaning, sort of, straightening, re-arranging... yes, for the first (or maybe second or third?) time since jackson left i moved around some of her stuff... put some in her old room and cleared the love seat and now half the dining room is moved around or put away or something like that... can you tell i am still not really into moving in?...

the football game was on so i decided to move around while semi-watching... the neck hurts but not as much as when i sit... fatigue is still high... it's the loneliness of moving in alone that outshines the excitement of moving in these days... partly cuz i really am not loving this place, first reason is the tiny kitchen, second is i think it has mold in the walls, third it is an old dingy place, but then, that's mostly perspective... i kinda thought it was going to be a whole lot less crowded in this space too and i wander around wondering what to do with all this stuff when i ponder actually 'moving in'...

meanwhile, i have a very long day tomorrow at work and then a 9pm softball game so i really should attempt sleep again... the two hour nap earlier was good, but the brain and body are starting to demand more than a few hours a night more and more... good giggles, is that aging?... i sometimes wish i didn't have such a flexible sense of humor, ya know?...

so how was your day?... night?... life?... anybody? :)

didn't last long

yeah, see, that didn't last long (and neither did i as i fell asleep halfway through it and that didn't last long either as a combination of football and the pain in the neck has me sitting up again... wtf?... am i getting like really sick or something?... this neck pain crap sucks... gotta be time to drop weight and get to the doctor again... maybe, even hurting as i am, even tired as i am, even burnt out in the head as i am {and how rare is it for the brain to be tired... snap out of it fool, it's not dying time yet}, maybe a little run?...

3 day post

rarely does any post live out here in front and center without getting replaced rather quickly, like later the same day, but we have a rare 3 day post (more, slightly, but you'd never know, of course, unless you happened by here to find out, on the road to find out, after all)... busy and slightly frustrating week (which means majorly, if you know me) with work days too busy to stop and eat and eating the big dinner putting me out, but not so feeling good this week, mixed phrasing, sentence structure unsorted disjointed and whatever...

might even be asleep any moment now...

didja blink? :)

waking smiling

still happy sad though... yes, there is a deeper sadness finally spreading into everything as it is caused not by a single event (the spark was jackson and happiness moving away (irony in his name, aye?... the method to my madness should never be doubted i suppose, but that only scratched away the happy coating on the gaping hole... shhhh, don't want to depress us, do we?... smirking is so inappropriate at this point, ya know?... so stop laughing, right?... lol... lam), no, the cause of the sad is the unrequited love, the long term loneliness, the gaping hole in my heart waiting for so long for the one (or at least someone who understands that dream and is close enough to be the one until the one comes along)...

heavy, huh?...

well, gonna have some fun now... just wiping sleep from my eyes, actually... gonna check facebook and youtube and twitter and a few other places in the hope some of comments actually inspired a response (might even check my own blogs and email, which is rare as i expect nothing here or there, which might be part of that deeper sad, i suppose... yeah, keep supposing kid, that's what you're good at... who can name that twisted movie reference?... twisted in that it is not the precise movie line, but close... see?... already having fun, nyuk nyuk nyuk)...

no matter what you've got going on inside, make your labor day fun, ok? :)

left out a major player

activity, that is... i mean i left out one of the primary activities that occupied time yesterday... toronto got back in touch and asked me to help her catch up on what's been going on with a list of questions like i used to do (i'll post the list somewhere and link it sometime) so i started to do just that and then somehow expanded as i used to into a quiz type of format and under the guise of spell-checking, found my way into word where a touch of formatting happened (very little formatting, actually, compared to the many hours or days i used to spend on these sort of mock-test questionnaires that were designed to ask all the catch-up questions friends want to know after being out of touch for a while)...

so yeah, except for food and jackson's call and music and video and the internets (the in-ter-nets-in-ter-nets, see?) and an occasional glance up at the tv, much time was spent on the list of questions... and yes, all night too... so what's up with you out there, what fun do you do to occupy your time when home alone?...

on the internet

that is where i have been, though virtually as i have been sitting here mostly in this chair... catching up on most of the places i like to visit and read, searching for more stuff to read and more pictures to enjoy and more music to learn about, leaving comments i think are so profound for the moment (and watching them lose power the moment i click post or send or whatever... such a queer feeling and odd phenomenon, or vice versa, aye?)... and i completely forgot about football on the tube it seems, but the videos on the internet and music kept the brain quite happily stimulated, mostly dozens of links will find their way on the sites i saw along with a few of the more profound comments (right, ha) eventually)... and munching away on the delicious italian food i bought so there would be no need to cook or wash dishes this weekend... and cheetos, baked, yum... and mountain dew, throwback, yum...

so how did you spend your sunday?...

happy sad

or is that sad happy?... there is a difference, you know?... i think this is a happy sad, which is closer to misery loves company on the scale of infinite emotion than the other, which is closer to the feeling of doing something that makes you very happy but still has a tinge or even a ton of sadness too... an example of the latter would be when i moved from nyc... i was wanting to move south to a warm (hot, actually) non-city (natural playground) kind of place for years so when i did, i want ecstatic and yet, i left behind my best friend who did not want to move away from nyc so there was a sad happy cuz i was mostly happy about doing what i had wanted to do for so long... on the other hand, my best friend was happy sad because she was mostly sad to see me go away, but happy for me that i was living as dream...

so i am happy for jackson cuz she is living a dream and she is happy cuz she is living a dream and yet, i am so sad cuz i miss her and miss having her and happiness to play with and keep me company right here in this space and she sounded very sad happy... being homesick is a tough feeling, so sad, i felt it when i left nyc a lot and it led me to question whether the move was the right thing to do and when i decided it was, i was good again... still, it was wonderful to hear her voice...

sunday football

no softball this week cuz all the teams decided no practices (too much labor?) and this has the makings of one of the most relaxing (lazy?) labor day weekends in recorded history, or something like that... of course i could do some exercise, which would be quite sensible given the meal plan i've got going on this weekend (did i mention i found a new italian place closer to the house and have yummy food to eat all weekend?), but we shall see... for now, i shall relax with college football, music, and the internet... (in-ter-nets-in-ter-nets, ya see? lol :) )

what's your labor?

just getting home

fun night, lots of people playing different card games and the late night crowd hung for spades and then we went to steak and shake (like i needed a shake and burger?... ah, my own devices are not what they used to be, lam) so... just getting home...

i mean, in case we're keeping score or something, aye?...

sweet nap, sweeter shower

though the water is not nearly hot enough (must find a way into the tiny space between the washer dryer and water heater to unscrew the panel and turn up the water heater thermostat cuz i never did that here cuz i didn't want jackson to burn herself and the water is normal hot for most people and rarely do i find anyone who wants it hot like i like hot)... and if i left right now i would be just about on time for the 10ish i said i'd be there but i am in a good place closer to my core (though still far from it and heavily influenced by the madcap rat race pace of modern humanity) which is much closer to the stillness of what many in this world would call god (shhhhh, rarely do i let anyone notice so just call it ego and let it go)...

off to play see the wizard...

snark :)

webkeeping

as opposed to housekeeping... yeah, i ignored the space again and put off cleaning up jackson's bedroom and bathroom and stuff everywhere at least another day cuz i was enjoying relaxing and reading and finally downloaded all the blogs on blogger-google that i have access to and watched some college football... been so out of the news loop i didn't even know about the protest in front of the white house or the scandal at ohio state... nobody told me...

was thinking about going to the orlando city soccer championship game but the whole relaxing and webkeeping (or was it blogkeeping?) got in the way... i did go out for food and tried a new italian place, actually one of the closest, and definitely going to try it again... pizza good, meatball sub good, eggplant parm ok-good, overall better than average... the sauce needs spicing but the portions are great and pizza may be better than good... new york style thin chewy crust...

feel like a nap now, maybe an hour or few, then party...

waking again

might have been the phone again, but as long as i am through my deep sleep REM cycle, i wake refreshed... if i stay asleep and start another REM cycle and then wake in the middle of it, i so want to sleep more and wake groggy... messages to respond to, relaxing... work on the stuff all over the place?... maybe... there's college football today... probably... and party tonight... likely...

so what is your day gonna be about? :)

woke briefly

found a couple of messages (yes, i know peeps who wake very early) and responded and drank and peed and went back to sleep... love saturday mornings :)

you could too, hope you do :)

bouncing slowly

the old adage about only going down to i can go back up again is playing it's bouncy game with me of late as i am left to my own devices (and anyone who ever knew me knows my devices are scary fun, that is, fun for me, scary for everybody else)... but the bleary-eyed blur of life still amuses me even as i feel the bounces (cartoon music please cuz i am saved by the music, la la la) and long to share more...

sleep? lol lam laa :)

was here earlier

but the google-heads at blogger (or the blogger heads at google blogspot whatever they want to be called would not let me kn without my password and they keep changing things around here and i wonder how much time and energy it would take to set up all my blogs on my own server or on my own website, at least... ooo, how exciting, aye?... seriously, please? (stop lol)... but who has the time to explore that, or the energy and brain power when i spent eight hours straight typing a performance improvement plan for the government peoples in the offline world today...

and tonight, music soothes the burning brain and tired fingers and lonely heart (yes, lonely, cuz you don't come around here no more {yes, dia, that's tom} and the words i put on the web don't seem to mean much or comfort anyone {except maybe a passing fancy, shot in the dark, or crumb from an old friend now and then} so thank goodness for the music, aye? (links to follow, maybe} and la de dah with a smirk and a narf)...

sweet dreams :)

home late but no softball

work work work, so it was good there was no softball cuz this project had to be done today... showed up to my blog home and was locked out by goggle again... or google, for that matter... sensing suspicious natures at the google and facebook parties lately... facebook seems to be banning people i enjoy reading and google is making changes that do not seem wuite right, but the world still spins around... must make time to download all my blogs again one of these days... maybe over this weekend... how about you, up to anything?...

boo :)

make it wonderful

you can if you want to enough... you do what you decide to do... they are your hands, after all... reach out or don't, care or don't, share or don't, you choose...

wonderful . . .

omigoof

it would be embarrassing to actually discovery that real human beings stop by here to read this (e)thereal blog (or any of the others, for that matter) as i carefully casually pour my heart out between irreverent asides and obscure references (or irreverence references and obscure asides, seriously, aye?)... what?... does i not be depressed at times?... does i not be lonely and pathetic... does i not be grammatically odd?... come on now fool (be that me), throw the pity-party and get back over whatever it is that is parked on thy heart and pay the fine so the next in a long series of childhoods can be birthed... stop being a helpless wimp and take control of your life... emerge from the rat infested cocoon and live again... get back into shape and fuck someone all night (didn't see that coming, or before even, did ya?)... or maybe we'll just slip off into the night and forget all about this moment of semi-lucidity...

so how was your day? :}

totally not

this new blogger blogspot interface is not appealing... too bright, too few choices, would definitely take some getting used to if i had to, but i'm switching back for now... meanwhile, just in case you missed me, i am alive and well, ok... busy challenging week... i'll just have to catch up a bit later or whenever (after all, this entry originally followed, or preceded, this one, after all... before the others arrived, that is... bottom line, you know how to reach me if you want to...