just in case (epilogue)

as if the silly obscure confusion never ends, this entry was written some time ago and every year around this time I reset the day a year further into the future because it is scheduled for a time when I do not return to this blog anymore (but what if i just stop coming here... will it be a mistake or metaphor?... oh sure, muddy the waters even after i am gone... ok, well, let's get on with it then)... call me ashes...

i died... sigh (oh wait, no more sighs... the body breathes no more... jokes after death, how like me)... simply, in the style of the pythons monty, the flesh is deceased... the body moves no more... kicked the bucket... ceased to be among the living... non-existent in human form... passed on... away... poofed... [insert your most comforting euphemism]... apparently not alive... dead...

whatever dead is...

i did not know how else to break the news... i mean, since the fingers are not moving anymore... i had to find a way to let you know i will no longer be here without being here... or there, for that matter... or anywhere i might have gone from there after i sort of left here (even though i never left anywhere while i had a choice and if there is a way to write and blog after death, i'll not rest until i find it because, after all, never give up, never surrender, remember?... because i am not... here, that is... i wonder who as my number now... call it, 407-325-1482 and let me know... oh wait, i forgot (for the fun of it... or maybe i just wanted you to prank call someone for me... one last amusement we could almost share), well, i wonder anyway... old times... good times... i miss it... and you... even the mind-numbing social media times...

google/blogger/blogspot (thanks) provided a way... see, this was a scheduled post and if i do not reschedule this post, it will automatically be uploaded... unless the auto post feature didn't work, in which case, nevermind... i've already rescheduled it a couple of times over the years... i wouldn't mind rescheduling it another hundred years, but for all the magical mystery in this world, i am substantially not immortal... we ought to be prepared for the inevitable, right?... so just in case i forgot to reschedule this post before it was automatically uploaded and am still breathing (ooops), i will write something better tomorrow, or as soon as i notice (in case i abandoned blogging for some reason or left the online blogging habit completely, which is not likely but anything is possible), i mean, if i did not actually die... with profuse apologies for the premature report, of course... but if i did die...

i just wanted to say i love you one more time...

i love you one more time...

i hope i am with douglas adams
robin williams and

so long, and thank you for the love :)

false alarm

Reports of my demise have been in error, premature, even. You see, I have a farewell entry, an last-entry-ever (at least for this life as I know it), an entry scheduled for the future and, like tomorrow, it is always a day away. The thing is, for better or worse, if I don't remember to change the future date on the entry, it accidentally gets posted before I am soup. It is my final entry, after all, the entry that says farewell because the body breaths no more, the fingers type no more, the blah blah blahs no more.

I don't know exactly when that will happen, the end of the babble, but there's always hope that it will be next year, as opposed to this year, since next year, as you may have heard somewhere, is always a year away (get it?). Yeah, so I'll die tomorrow, I don't have time to die today. It's a philosophy, or something like that.

So, just in case you happened to spy those last words that slipped out here on to the internet in the past hour (and just imagine if I didn't have this sudden impulse to come here to write after being away for days and days, aye?), with much fanfare and celebration, I apologize for any stress, concern, or sorrow you may have felt.

I am not gone, only forgotten.

If you wonder why, here is a sampling of the wonders you've missed., a typical summary of food intake, for instance.. Carrots and a small low-carb tortilla smeared with fat-free cream cheese and a ribbon of grape jelly was a midnight snack after a dinner of a few slices of almost fat free ham and turkey and cheese on, you guessed it, a low-carb tortilla. A 100 calorie chocolate protein shake washed it all down. A yogurt and a shake was lunch, so today was a reduced calorie day after yesterday's all-I-could-eat pig out at the taste of Sanford food festival. That was fun.

The real, remember?

The daily blog, filed with all the daily trivia, from food to poop, from work to play, from highs to lows, and all that's in between. The daily details that make a life lived. As I said on the right, that daily chronological blog is elsewhere now. Here, at least for the last seven or five entries, entries appear rather haphazardly, randomly, and abstractly at times, as this blog was put to bed some three years ago when the daily life took a dramatic turn in another direction, a spiral downward that did not need recording, actually. Woe seldom does. It's much better now, but at the time....

Lonely days of abandonment and emptiness instead of support and repayment for betrayals and usury, the story of a life is still the same (old story). Several months went by and nobody mentioned that they noticed, but then, yet another phoenix of sorts rose, several, actually, in case it matters, and the daily life continued to be recorded for posterity. Feel free to applaud. Or just send money if that's easier.

Outrageous, no doubt.

There is a reason for everything, after all.

Someday... somehow... somewhere...

This will too.

Narf :)

Getting Scary

I can't be sure where I will be in a couple of weeks when the lease runs out here. Jackson has not offered her couch because it is Brandi's house. I kept paying for a two bedroom place just in case her move out of state did not work a few years ago and it didn't work so she had a place to come back to and I paid most of the rent and all of the utilities for most of the years we lived together. She says she can't help me. Ouch.

I am going to see if Curly will let me stay in the unfinished room he's used for storage in a house near here for the last few years. I lost a lot of friends helping him out of a serious jam, testifying in court for him. Hopefully he will let me stay there a while. It's not comfortable, but it's got a roof and a toilet.

Job, please.

little acts of defiance

in this modern world where conformity is so vital to success, it may be that the little acts of defiance we do each day is all that is keeping us from becoming mindless machines following the rules of the culture in every little thing we do from work to play to sleep to...

yes, not completing the sentence is another little act of defiance...

narf :)

a hundred thousand plus

that's right, this blog has reached one hundred thousand page views and now, the numbers move on... it is a momentus occasion, no doubt... this is not the first blog to reach the 100,000 mark and it took longer than it did for others and others had a whole lot more comments but that is because they were in communities (diaryland and livejournal)... i miss those days when there was an interactive audience out there (the millions of email and snail mail fan letters are great, but the friends, old and new, are missed... papa can you hear me?)... life is boring these days without the work i love... there is softball, but the leagues pause around the holidays so not so much after next week (thank goodness for atournament in new orleans coming up) and there are games and the insatiable cat to occupy time... jackson is hardly ever around so the lonely lonelies are powerful but in spite of the challenges, the fact is that hope still springs eternal, even in the fall... and of course there is facebook for distraction and as always, whatever... and did you miss curious?...

of course we are having fun, me myself and the rest of the voices in my head...

narf :)

losing sleep on facebook

actually, i nodded off just before midnight and went to bed and woke about 130am and here we are, five hours later, five hours of just one more click... curious, our cat, is awake and meowing for food and attention as usual... jackson is gone until sunday or monday... i've got a thanksgiving dinner tonight so i need to get some sleep... but the mind is a terrible thing to waste, or something like that... curious stares at me wondering what i could possibly be doing that is more important than her... even after i got up and put food in her bowl, she's waiting here by my side semi-patiently for the scratching and rubbing she loves... i must have good hands, ego says while i laugh... and loneliness screams silently which is the primary reason i am awake and sleep so little... right behind it is work, or lack thereof, and all the stress that not having income brings... idle days do not help, but the foolishness of laziness has dominated life for some time not when i am not on the softball field... and i sit here checking websites as if the answer to my current wants will suddenly appear... the job... the friend... the roommate... the partner... the love...

facebook may be just another one of those wrong places i'm been looking, aye?...

narf :}

reconnecting with friends

yes, that is the best part of the time away from work... while no income for an indefinite period is seriously stressful, reconnecting with friends is the reward... harpo is the most available since he has not worked a job since the early to mid-nineties... his detachment from the working world has definitely limited his social skills and unfortunately he offers weak support or energy as he is needier than i am, but he tries so hard and means so well i want to keep him around in spite of the energy drain he can be at times... and --(naes)-- called out of the blue to ask advise about something... maybe he heard i was not working or the universe gave hime a need i could help with... anyway, it was good catching up with him... i got a call from an insurance sales recruiter shortly after talking to him and he might have referred me, but i detest sales and will not work a commission sales job so it was not for me... --asil-- also called out of the blue using the facebook call feature (and we were both surprised it worked) for therapy and legal advice for someone missing out in california who has gone off her meds and might need involuntary mental health care... catching up was good for me and hopefully i offered some time and words equally as worthwhile for her...

and there was more... --sett-- called and we will be going to lunch later this week and she has money for me for the phone (she's on my plan)... and --ybba-- invited me to thanksgiving dinner with her family and though i turned down other offers, she caught me in a say yes frame of mind so i will be going there for the holiday (and i will do my best not to remember how much i do not like the holiday)... --ahsit-- reconnected recently through facebook as she does not live nearby and she still adores me for whatever reason (i must remember my worth, aye?) though somewhat like harpo, her adoration can be draining... and if any of you are reading, thank you so much for the love and i know i can be emotionally draining too but never doubt that your caring means a lot and i am so happy you choose to keep in touch in spite of my disappearances into a work life that leaves no time for anything beyond softball as i did the last two years... still others have been contacting me through facebook and phone and that is what life is about, after all, caring about people and being cared about...

it's a wonderful life when we remember that :)

dying balloon

i feel like a dying balloon... she tried so hard to cheer me up... notes on my door with positive affirmations... candy... a really big (like 20 inch diameter or more) helium ballon (not a cheap one, it's still floating more almost two weeks later) of a minion... everything she could do and give (except time, she doesn't have time what with two jobs, church nights, softball, and a serious newish girfriend... and though that may be what i need most, i, better than most, understand not having time... i am the one who isolated myself with work and softball over 80 hours a week and got this alone, after all)... yes, jackson is a lifesaver just as a best friend ought to be (except, as i said, for not having the time and i suppose that really is what i need from someone most, alas, as i keep repeating it into the void)... i just might actually slide into depression if she was not around, but even though she does not have time to actively pull me out, i am the giver and nurturer and will not let myself slide into the pits of despair for long enough to be in any sort of uncontrolled depression because it would hurt her... so she is keeping me safer as a child keeps a parent safer if you know what i mean...

still, i feel like a dying balloon... alone and waiting for the end... if only my belly would deflate like the big smiling minion balloon soon will, all would be well with the world... sort of...

sigh, alas, and still, narf :}

laundry

over the course of months of working long hours and playing softball three nights a week and all day sunday with occasional extra games tossed in, laundry piles up... the softbal and work clothes get washed often enough, at least weekly, but t-shirts and towels and bedding and seldom worns items can piled up in bins because there are enough replacements for those things and that's why i spent a couple of days and at least ten washes doing the deed to get to the point where i had no dirty anything to throw in the wash... that lasted a whole day, but oh the extra space in the bedroom feels nice... there are still boxes stacked up to go through, but laundry, for the moment, is completely done... been done completed i say... and yes, this whole entry is about getting it done, so lefts clap for the clean clothes chorus as they sing they laundry is done song (i'll write it any day now)... but seriously, there are actually laundry songs, my favorite being the landryman (cuz these are not actually about laundry), but then, i am strange too...

laughing with the clean clothes :)

time on facebook

letting the laptop cool down is essential these days as the old box heats up more and more... and using facebook seems to heat it up even faster... it probably needs a good cleaning but at this point, not wanting to spend funds to replace it if something goes wrong and not wanting to spend funds to have it professionally cleaned, i use a fan and give it rest when the fan fails to keep it cool enough... the hard drive works so hard sometimes, even when i am doing nothing... one svchost.exe sucks up 200Mb of private working set memory and i have no idea what it or the other svchosts are doing with all that memory, but it definitely slows the processing and overheats the machine... at the moment, there is a 183Mb and 148Mb svchost along with about a dozen others... any idea what they are doing?...

meanwhile, i am spending more time on facebook this week... i would provide some highlights if i had links organized, but facebook does not make that easy and i am seeking distraction, not organization, so random chaos and disorganized distraction does not provide for whatever it is i am offering (or something like that)... i am diving into the world affirs, politics, religions, and all sorts of momentary lapses in reason to post my thoughts for all the world to see... probably shooting myself in the foot for job opportunities, but then, maybe i don't want to work for an organization that searches facebook to screen employees anymore... go ahead, take away my top secret security clearance because i am fed up with big brother and the horse he road in on... yeah, i get ornery when faced with the stupidity of fears and hate and madness in the world...

when will they every learn?...

anyway, narf :)

being my friend

can get you one of these after midnight:

Apologies for being so out of touch... Life has been throwing some unexpected challenges and I've been so busy I've been dropping balls (life is a juggling responsibilities, after all) so part of me wants to buy a tent and move to the woods or rent a friend's backyard and retire really cheap ... Laughing is allowed, but it's a serious consideration once Jackson finally moves out and that could be next year if her new relationship goes well)... Did I have a point here?... Yeah, before this turns into the longest text you've ever received (if it isn't already), I just wanted you to know I really appreciate you reaching out a lot more than I say and in spite of my not wanting to drive anywhere (that is the biggest obstacle for me and I wish you still had the place on sand lake cuz we'd have definitely gotten together a lot more if you did and am I wandering off on another tangent?)... Back to the point this message was supposed to be about, I will find a way to get together with you soon... goal is before thanksgiving (there I set a goal)... Maybe sooner... There, it is in writing now so you can sue me for a dollar if I drop this ball... You officially have the right to harass me... And now I see the clock on the wall and think hopefully this doesn't wake you and you are smiling and we'll catch up on the ups and downs of life real soon... My madness isn't too contagious so don't be too afraid, m'ok?... is this the song that never ends?... Oh look, a squirrel... Thank goodness, aye? :)

yes, that was a text message send to a friend who sadly has been neglected by me in the past months, years, perhaps... he lives on the other side of town and i simply find myself too tired to drive over there after work and i've been so selfish with my weekends (and busy) that when i do have free time i don't want to go anywhere cuz the body needs rest but even more, the writing has to happen or i feel neglected myself and all sort of things go wrong (just look at the past four weeks if you don't believe me but believe me or not, they do, things go very wrong when i stop writing for a while and the theory is i lose touch with myself and let balls drop {the juggling reference again} and the world is really cruel to a bad juggler in case you didn't know so proof is everywhere if you see it so i'll just leave this parenthese now and get on with whatever point i was making) so i steal me time from sleep and on weekends and that is why i neglect friends and i want to stop doing that and now that i may have more time cuz i am not working perhaps i will, though i still don't want to drive and now even more cuz without income, gas is more precious, so maybe there is a way we can get together closer to here (here, as in the space i live in, is not good cuz jackson needs her sleep and when my friends and i get together quiet is seldom part of the experience) which would be best for me but i suppose that is selfish even though i have no income at the moment... wait, is this another message to my friend?...

silence... must be pondering or something... or some things...

narf :)

someone distract me

so distracted already by the recent events (sliding into the deep apathy mode, attracting very dark energy, the next day a lying cop gave me two tickets, the first two in three or four years, and the next day, no more job... pow, life just became so much more challenging because salaries like that one are seriously rare around here and giving so much money away all through this life leaves me looking at living on social security when i can no longer work and i am getting so tired of trying to balance work life and pleasure and i really don't think i deserve to struggle when senior years get here because i've been so generous all through life and did i mention i could really appreciate distraction about now?) that i had to pull myself out of the game in the second inning and did ok at second and i didn't pitch the second game and was pretty sloppy at second not misjudging two balls because i was too tired and distracted by blues to bend properly and life is seriously sad at the moment and the inner well of hope for fairness and kindness is so dry i am probably going to project so little positive expectation that i may spiral deeper and deeper into dark energy that will bring even more negative events and just letting go of the rat race and trusting anyone and moving into a tent in the woods while i can still afford to stock up on bug spray sounds so good to me right now if jackson was not sharing daily life and needed me to share expenses i might just head into woods (or ask a friend if i can put a tent in their backyard and use their shower) and retire rent-free...

there must be some way out of here...

narf!...

people disappoint again

just when i start believing in an organization again, the same old lies come around and kick me in the back of the head... we are not like other companies i was told when i was hired... we would never do that i was told when i explained the sudden termination for financial reasons at a previous job of twelve years... we are a family i was told... terminated is such a painfully cruel word... not a good fit was the explanation... sure, an honest person who genuinely cares about people and kindness and loyalty and bonding to create family in a long-term residential health care environment is not a good fit in an organization that lies about and does not live up to it's own ideals and values...

i am far from perfect, but ultimately i was set up by a supervisor who would not let me do what i wanted to do to accomplish what they asked me to accomplish so i did it her way and there was a lot less success because her way was the oppositve of my way and they don't want to accept the fact that they did not let me try my way so it's my fault for not accomplishing what they wanted me to accomplish... tie your hands together and then rearrange the items shelves in your refrigerator so they are in alphabetical order, why dontcha?... in organizational terms, they made decisions based on metrics that did not measure the big picture actual cultural changes we were aiming for, but rather measured the month to month changes and anytime there was a dip, they told me to change what i was doing which undermined what i was doing and slowed the gradual upward turn the culture was actually taking... they ignored metrics like client illnesses, hospitalizations, incidents, employee accidents, complaints, all of which were way down in the past year (3 deaths in the first three months i was there and more in the years before, none since my fourth month and clients who are just as ill as those who died are flourishing because nursing care was vastly improved by my insistance on training and systems for competency checks and improved communication and hiring a DON who agreed with doing that and who does it well)... and client health and happiness (you can measure number of smiles and smiling reactions each day and i get more than most) way up, but there's no improvement according to the short-sighted metrics they use...

perhaps i could have educated the top management better, but i did not... i wonder if they saw the connection between the staff survey rating they got (very low) and the inconsistent micro-managing they were doing... supervisors and managers (which would include me as i was managing the place without a management team for many months after i cleaned house and took the time needed to find the right people to build our new management team... alas, the one person who presented the biggest problems was the person upper management recommended most highly, but they don't seem to see the pattern) got higher scores... ultimately, they never trusted my judgement or decisions and blame the too slow to measure in monthly metrics cultural change progress on me, rather that accept that changing a culture that has been one way for decades is not going to happen in a year or two, but rather, will take a five or even ten year plan...

and in the past couple of weeks the shift exchanges, which were one of the primary improvements in communication of daily client care needs i implemented last year, were done away with... i allowed the experiment because two of the managers were very insistant on trying it and one who opposed it agreed to give it a try... supervisors complained and i asked them for patience, staff didn't care much at first, and i estimate that in another week or two the managers insisting on the new system that had an inherent potential for breakdown in vital information would see why it was not a good idea and learn from it... simply not allowing them to do it (which is what my supervisor suggested) would not teach them anything and potentially give them a sense that i was micromanaging them and that is the antithesis of the cultural change i was asked to make... but this is just one example of upper management opposing my methods of changing a long-term residential facility culture that slowed the changes that are definitely happening...

they might not even realize what they did... but as if just to make sure i would not succeed, my new supervisor for the last four months was almost never around (because she was based 90 miles away and even though she was supposed to come by once a week and talk daily, there were no daily talks and she was not always reachable and she came by about once a month to interview my managers so nothing got done on those days and in the past month... one of my managers stopped communicating changes she was making and if she was told to simply disregard me i would not be surprised, but we'll accept that could be a paranoid tought and leave it in this parentheses) and when we did talk she said i am doing well and asked if i minded if she skipped coming out this week again and again... then last week she shows up with criticism and passive aggressive questions and tried to turn my answers into something i didn't say and this week she shows up with the director of human resources to terminate... no corrective action or discussion of any performance issues at all in the past nine months and suddenly i am presented with there've been no improvements and i'm gone, no discussion, no notice, no smoothe transition where i can communicate pending tasks and potential risks to prevent unsafe situations for clients or delays in time sensitive care needs, just out the door and don't come back...

and that is not the way we do things here was the assurance the person who hired me gave me and we agreed it was not good (or safe) for clients or staff or operations, but now we disregard the clients and staff and operations and assurance and just do it... the lack of trust or ethics or consideration for the mission and values (not to mention clients and staff) and simple kindness (in a company and profession that is supposed to place caring for people at their highest goal and ideal) is astoundingly disappointing...

so maybe i am wrong and they (they being just one or two people at the corporate office who really don't spend any time at the facilities, but seem to believe they know what actually happens at the facility better than those who work there) are right... might makes right, ultimately, so i am gone and they will do what they want to do, which as i see it, is the same mistake they've been making for decades... a true restructure for a real cultural change takes five to ten years... but what disappoints me most is the way they dismissed me... let the clients wonder why the person who inspired their smiles and laughter with hugs and singing is suddenly gone... let the staff who were depending on me to change the culture (and who thanked me regularly) wonder why i left without explanation or goodbye... let the projects and purchases i was working that clients needed be delayed or on fall by the wayside... let the contractors and vendors and surveyors who trusted me to maintain communication and good professional relationships wonder why there was no transition, introductions, or courtesy in handing responsibilities and relationships off to whomever is going to develop those relationships with them now...

how do people justify such hypocrisy and ultimately, cruelty?... it keeps me awake at night, but then i don't delude myself well... sigh, someone distract me...

sad narf...

i may be back to re-read this and edit it for clarity as i am so sad and frustrated right now... but i must let go even though i am concerned about people i adopted as family.. caring too much about people just does not seem to work in the modern health care world... so i look at myself and pick up the pieces of my heart once again and walk on... at least i have good personal and professional references (including AHCA surveyors and DCF investigators) and i will move on hoping to find an organization and people who actually see the big picture, don't make knee-jerk decisions based on minimal facts and even lies, and live up to the high ideals and values they post on their walls... yeah, so maybe i am wrong and they are right...

hopefully history will not repeat itself and nobody gets hurt doing it their way...

sigh and even sadder narf...

and moving on...

bad day, sorta

yeah, so the weekend mostly sucked because i let is suck and this morning got even worse because some people with power have a mental illness or perhaps substance abuse problems... it would have been comedic if the idiot didn't draw his gun... anyway, then work got dumped on me again by my new supervisor who really doesn't seem to know what she is doing and i spent a large part of the day trying to solve her problem without the information needed, information she was supposed to have, and i'll need to get to work early tomorrow to continue to try to solve her problem... when i called her to update her on her problem, she didn't have time to listen and simply cut me off... so her facility may fail a statewide emergency management drill because she dumped the drill on me when i have no information about the facility in tampa that is supposed to participate in the drill... i did have two excellent meetings with two on my new managers today, but the third problemmatic manager did not show up for work...

getting out of the office late, i had no time for dinner before heading to the softball field... the first inning started off terribly, but we settled down and won 16-6, run ruling the other team in five innings... finally getting home for dinner at almost midnight, here i am after 1am and i need to be awake at my desk solving someone else's problem without the information needed to solve it before 8am tomorrow... even if i was not in a whiney complaining mood lately, today was definitely a bad day, except for winning another softball game... even this must have been better (and the rest of the past 66 entries nobody noticed)...

so how was your day?...

snack binge

not a massive one, but i did run (ok, i drove) out to the store (and had to go to two because the 7-11 did not have sour cream or dip, but cvs had dean's dip which was not my first choice but i didn't want to go find a third store open after midnight that sold sour cream) so there is ridged chips and french onion dip and there is scooped tortilla chips and sweet salsa and there is (is the lack of are annoying you?) bbq pistachio nuts (impulse buy( and there is a pack of ho-hos (see how i matched tense there?) and there is chocolate milk and there is a toll house cookie ice cream sandwhich in the freezer and there is yummy yummy yummy in by ever so bloated tummy cuz i ate a ton (eggagerated by weight) of cheesy spaghetti just seven or eight hours ago and am, as usual, pacifying my loneliness and lack of exercise with food... wonderful, aye?...

earlier we won another softball game and though i went 0-3 i got up a fourth time and hit a solid line drive single through the 6 gap (a very arrogant and provoking shortstop did not have time to move, which was exactly what he needed to bring him down a notch) to knock in the winning run... cheers all around... i might wake up to do a walk for something, breast cancer (i forget the cause), perhaps, tomorrow morning but i might not... i signed up and gave a donation (trying to set a good example at work and it did inspire others to sign up and give some money), but i have been giving up way too many sleep-in days lately and this body really needs a sleep-in day off regularly now that it's getting older... so many good things to do, so little time... that's why i don't hang out late playing cards or partying anymore, just not enough sleep time... meanwhile, pigging out on junk food is quite counter-productive...

fun alone is not always healthy, but i do need more sleep...

narf :)

work can be such a distraction

so i play chess all night because i don't want to think and i take off from work because i really need sleep and i don't want any alcohol to drink but i sure could use a joint, i think... it's been years, maybe twenty since i last played with any drugs and coincidence or not i also share a lot fewer hugs maybe my whole life program has some flaws or bugs and lately i just join in as the world shrugs... ambivalence is any empty drug but it seems to work for me... while most people seem to dwell in fear or some animosity... i don't want to be an angry old man ignoring my complicity... so i do not turn off my mind, i just distract myself idly and sometimes work quite randomly...

and what are you doing with your day?...

lol lam laa narf :)

changes at work

there are some changes at work that i am not happy with, but i am giving my managers leeway in their decisions... they don't seem to see the potential risks in discontinuing shift exchanges between all three houses when staff from all three houses work with clients from all houses... my boss recommends i simply tell them they can't make the change, but in the same breath she tells me i micromanage (according to my managers)... i ask how could both be true and how will shooting down an idea the managers feel very strongly about not be seen as micro-managing and she doesn't have an answer... people are so confused and confusing... sometimes you just need to give people the freedom to make their own mistakes... just have to monitor client care and staff moral very closely for the next few weeks... and i'll do my best to ignore my boss who's meddling is empowering the managers and complicating things...

life with people, not always fun, but always challenging...

narf :)

so what did you miss?

me?... hey, i am hopeful, in case you forgot... of course the few who actually check this writing space regularly have dwindled so it is possible no one noticed i was gone for a couple of weeks, but as we know, there's always hope... there was a softball update... and a facebook update (maybe more than one)... and a marathon rambling series of entries (like maybe twenty in one long long night)... not so sure about anything profound, but definitely a lot of entries... maybe fifty or more in all... see, i've been writing, just not completing entries and uploading them... but now (since you are reading this which means the uploading happened), it's a wonderful world of suddenly appearing entries that will all too soon slide into the past (history, even) and then they will have seemed to have been here (and there) all along, so experience the thrill of more than fifty entries uploaded in one night all for yourself while you can... don't tell the secret, but tell everyone, m'ok?...

curious is needier than ever, hopping up on me and the keyboard more often lately... she misses happiness... i do too... and jackson does too, but she spends all weekend up with her girlfriend since he's gone so curious only has me in her time of neediness... distracting, and one of the reasons i have not actually been completing entries and uploading daily, but mostly lovable... softball, work, and the cat, that's most of life these days... so maybe you didn't miss much after all...

narf :)

another silent night

at least in real time... not real time, but here in (e)thereal, in real time, if you were around during this week and last, at least, you would have experienced the silence... not that there is noise or sound here most of the time anyway, but silence of words, so visual silence... what is the word for visual silence?... blindness?... not in this context, but perhaps it could be in another context... here, it's more of a nothing to see here kind of silence... this entry will be moot, if not meaningless, once all the entries waiting for upload are uploaded but it states the current conditions for anyone interested in this sort of trivia, so it is only meaningless if you want it to be, if you are not interested, if you don't care... caring makes everything meaningful... caring makes anything meaningful... just look at the uniqueness of that snowflake... or that grain of sand... and then, squirrel...

jackson is just getting home... another fifteen hour day out at work... i remember when i did that... just a couple of months ago, actually... i've been cutting back my hours a lot in recent weeks, giving myself some time...

i want what i want when i want it

and now i want sleep... .. . .. .. . .. ... ... ... and so i fell asleep... upon slightly waking i was feeling like nobody cared about me and i needed rest and was not getting support at work and being undermined by my boss and she was empowering one of my managers to undermine me as well and on top of all that (or the cause of the weak paranoid perspective), i was feeling very sick in the head with congestion and cough and tickle and so on and so forth, like fluish or worse... so i am going back to sleep and skipping work today and will likely do the same tomorrow... cuz sometimes self-care comes before everything else... cuz if i am not healthy and happy and strong, i can't do my best for anyone... cuz if i don't love myself, i can't love anyone else... or something like that...

and now, back with part two of this catch up madness shortly...

narf :)