i'll just put this here

maybe cuz i lived in the same four apartment house that he lived in once upon a time and he was legendary on the block for his humor and ego (both positively and negatively as he was quite polarizing, for example, some called him generous and others called him a miser so most opinions of him were generally wrong, but he was simultaneously a very silly boy and a very serious man which makes for a lot of confusion and that, dear readers, is an experience i known all too well myself, but this entry is not about me so), i'll put this entry about jerry lewis here partly because i am lazy (but this entry is not about me, so disregard that) and partly because i've already written one meaningless complaint related to jerry tonight and as great as he was or was not, two meaningless complaints in the same night are just, well, too meaningless (or something like that) and there was already something else going on in background tv, i think, and this wasn't exactly that anyway, so for all these reasons and likely some not mentioned, as i previously stated at least a couple of times or more, i'll just put this here...

so still, there are those who paint jerry as a shit (no really, that's the author's term, though calling her an author is like calling a mass murderer an abstract artist because, after all, the blood splatter does... well, nevermind (but mind, of course, as most ?neverminds are intended to mean, write ms. littela?... the article linked once already prompted the following comment for your viewing pleasure or dismay:

Wow, a whole lot of trolling going on in the comments. But then, the article was trolling to begin with so it fits. I didn't know much about Vice.com before clicking on this link and after reading an obviously biased article full of provocative prejudices, I just wonder if this is what vice.com is about. Ultimately, there is humor in everything and everyone has a different way of expressing humor. Judging humor is like asking seventeen monkeys to screw in a light bulb in Icelandic, pointless... everyone knows monkeys don't speak Icelandic. Of course that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, everyone has the right to be meaningless, after all. Even more ultimately, if you do not understand the meaning of "fk'em if they don't get the joke." You don't understand comedy.

which was shortened to this after it would not post:

Wow, a whole lot of trolling going on. But then, the article was trolling to begin with so it fits. Ultimately, there is humor in everything and everyone has a different way of expressing it. Judging humor is like asking seventeen monkeys to screw in a light bulb in Icelandic, pointless - everyone knows monkeys don't speak Icelandic. Of course that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, narrow minds have rights too. Even more ultimately, if you do not understand the meaning of f-em if they don't get the joke. You don't understand comedy.

if i was too clever for you, feel free to scorn... or mock... or do whatcha do...

narf :)

a bit of me time, sorta

well i supposed i picked a fine time to ask given there are already thousands of entries in this (e)thereal blog alone and there are at least a hundred other blogs and writing places on the web that i've created and visit semi-regularly to do what i do, after all...

i mean, after all, after all...

so i spent the afternoon sorting through photos as almost a meditative distraction from the real life as i imagine the next additions or even expanding incarnations of this blog (which was born out of a desire to have a slightly {or maybe a lot} more meaningful visual blog after playing with a few or five facebook pages) and slightly distracted by the soap opera bullshit (they might as well put vince mcmann in charge) that is professional basketball (tell me the usa team isn't deliberately hyping the world cup by being down five at halftime, really)... but the wnba is offering a distraction worth watching...

laters :)

the tv

when the tv is on, it is often in the background during a meal or while i am writing or working or browsing the net... when i glance up and it's a commercial, whatever was on often loses me and i look for another show that isn't being interrupted... when i am watching, a commercial is time to browse the other channels... a commercial of more than 30 seconds and i am likely gone... a commercial of more than a minute and i am long gone into whatever else i found... tv is so devoid of anything really interesting most of the time... though now and then i catch up with pop science and learn a thing or two... sports destroys itself with commercials and i seldom watch, though i may dvr at times and the end of a good game might get my attention if it is not too overloaded by commercials... it is not that i am a pure existentialist, but the pathetic consumerism in our culture is a cancer to a meaningful life and i try to avoid the addiction corporations and politicians would like us all to suffer from (so we don't see the corruption, cruelty, and destruction they do)... it's the modern opiate for the masses, buying stuff... i do watch some, but even the favs are background these days...

meanwhile, i think the linx need a new coach, i mean, not that i know anything about the current coach or the wbna except a few names and players i watched in college, but my first impression watching her childishly taunt a referee enough to get a stupid technical foul just as her team cut what was a huge lead to four points left a lasting poor taste in my mouth... watching her players, they don't look prepared well... whether this is a too early judgment based on the childish move that hurt her team or an accurate assessment based on the evidence, i feel sad for maya moore and the rest of her team... and that's my random wnba commentary for the moment... i'll add as a post script that the wnba needs to improve the stats they have on their website for the stat geeks among us, i mean, how else are we to get the number freaks more into the game?... market to everyone, that way maybe you can stop wearing coproate logos on your jerseys, i mean, what are you, nascar?...

am i hurting anyone by writing here?

i am not so much thinking about strangers but the friends i mention here, especially jackson who gets mentioned here a lot and being that we share life and space and food and money and everything else that can bring stress and irritation and discomfort and frustration at times, i am concerned that my public (not that it's read much) venting might hurt as i know she doesn't want to be any sort of stressor or frustration in this life for me... but living with someone does make for some unpleasant feelings sometimes and i do not want to repress suppress or use any other harmful defense mechanisms so i release my frustrations and discomforts into words and come as close to prayer as i get in this like that it doesn't hurt her... she is so precious to me... sister, friend, family, confident more than anyone else in this life... i treasure her heart and forgive all of her imperfections (as she forgives mine) and hope more than anything in this life that my venting here from time to time does not cause her any stress or pain or hurt... i hope you let me know if it does, for i never want to lose our trust...

and it's not just jackson i do not want to hurt (she's just closest and what's that saying?... yeah, distraction, aside, weak humors, could write a song about it no doubt)... can i trust you to believe my bottom line? (as vulnerable as it gets, it you get that... you can negate me by not believing me now... am i praying you don't?)...

my prime directive (if you get that meaning) is harm no one, do no harm, but even deeper for me, honesty without harm... that may be impossible as honesty requires truth most of the time and truth can feel painful sometimes, but there is no intent to harm and i firmly believe lies are infinitely more harmful than truth... suppression is a passive lie... and so i feel justified in babbling on about everything, even the most personal of life experiences... but still, i hope i am understood... my intention is to resolve and not add to stress... i feel so alone when i come to this wondering...

please share the honesty without harm and may you find the peace it brings... anything else is not as safe, secure, true, or real... anything else is not honest love...

i wish you peace and honest love...

don't trust the stats

strange referrals as the referal address is google uk but the page it takes me to is a redirect notice page with a code that will change this page layout if i cut and paste it here so i simply complain and remind us all - don't trust the google stats (for the geeks among us, feel free to discuss as you see fit... you know, tell me what you know and let's be friends)...

blah blah blah...

was practically asleep

that was about six hours ago, or seven... yes, i was quite almost practically asleep after overloading meat and cheese and carbs and more carbs and somehow the tv got tirned on and the dvr was almost full so i felt compelled to watch some and watch some more and then jackson got home and that always wakes me especially when she has work to do cuz i motivate her and then feel lonely and watch some more tv and somehow, after perception and defiance and under the dome and extant and unforgettable and satisfaction and whatever i am forgetting (now there's a name for a show if i ever forgot one) i decided it was time for a couple of smokes sausages as a midnight snack... gonna see what happens now that more ebergy is rishing through my bloodstream yeah gonna find out what happens now that more energy is buzzing through my brain... maybe more cupcakes?... buzzzzzzz...

of course the body will do it's best to make me regret this tomorrow as i try to get some work done at work... but it is a wonderful buzz tonight,..

sleep soon, we hope... cuz there's always hope, right?...

narf :)

porn is so stupid

but then again, i suppose it depends on what one is looking for in porn... if it's all about the sex and visual stimulus and meaningless hook ups then it's probably just right... i still look for story lines and character development and (shocking, i know) logic in any story i watch so just about everything on tv is pretty stupid from that perspective... paging mr. ferguson... paging mr ferguson...

maybe it's just my ego or something... there've only been a few people within touching distance in this life that inspiring me to want to sing anything like i want you to want me, after all... oh, i thought you knew... i compromise less and less as the years roll by... so i am alone again, naturally (for me at least)... and now that mila has lost herself in her childhood crush and gotten herself carrying, i've got to find another iconic model of the nearly perfect sensual fantasy, or image, actually...

by the way, i am so tired this entry would never have been written had i not written it later...

narf :)

my nights with robin (part x)

remember, the mind creates what it needs... so last night i spent the majority of the night wandering youtube finding and downloading youtube videos of or about robin williams because i am a bit obsessed (or merely distracted, perhaps) with the mind he used to have an i want to mourne his loss in my own way which is to remember the laughter and tears he inspired while he was alive and to let the five stages of loss (or is that grief) take their course (not so much running, but crawling) and whether you are mourning, laughing, or ambivalent, the point is whatever you want to make of it and each of us has our own coping mechanisms except those of us who don't who usually end up isolated from free society by bars, hospitals, self-reclusion, or death... if only...

still reality, what a concept, aye?...

where was i? (once again)

here! here!... or here!, even... in any event, or entry, or endtrail, even, i was somewhere and somehow found my way back here, wherever this is... or that for that matter... not that it matters, after all, cuz in the long run everything is everywhere as all is one and understanding makes it so, whatever it may be at the time... relative, no doubt, and so on... and sometimes it really is just another day of way too accidentally reading the news, oh boy (what beatles songs?)... yeah... yeah?... yeah... yeah... and yet somehow, somewhere, i am still (and perhaps always) saying (and sighing) wtf?...

like momentary popularity, it is fleeting... and still sad that even manic genius can succumb to human foibles... pity the poor alien who forgets where he is from...

so once more i sigh a single nanu for us all...

narf...

mayhaps i fell to sleeps

or sleepes... sleepies?... feel free to debate the plural of sleep in your spare time, regardless of grammatical rules, of course, but based on what makes sense cuz, as anyone with half a brain might know, grammatical rulages seldom makes much sense, especially in the language of english... it may be a little known fact that the debate began long before there was a continent known as the americas cuz those fiesty old british folk who still claim to speak english just could not agree on rules so they created many sets and layers in the north and south and east and west and that does not even include the scots or irish or welsh or any of the other kingdom they called united... the one thing they were never quite united about was language, hence, the folk known as americans inherited a rather haphazard set of rules that they further twisted into what is know as english today... and we are not even going near the aussies, kiwis, or the multitude of other quesi english speaking peoples on this planet... no wonder the aliens don't try to communicate with us, aye?...

what they don't know is the paragraph about was not the entry intended to be here but merely a distraction from the entry that was supposed to be here which may or may not be this paragraph, but certainly was not the spare time debate that nobody around here meant to have even if you took up the banner and had one yourself... the night was moving right along and so much happened and so little recorded that this is the sort of entry that occurred... must have seriously needed sleep and most sensibly, i must have actually let it happen... and tonight i was not home because i worked a long day and rushed to eat and change and walk happiness before heading out for a double header which will most likely be the subject of the next entry so if you discovered the secret to the invisible ink, congratulations and continue enjoying those who are mystified with me... or not, cuz we wouldn't want to presume you are enjoying anything, after all... i'll still love you, even if you are bored and judge me poorly... cuz that's the way i roll...

but while you are debating, an entry passed right by without even being noticed... it's somewhere, perhaps between the lines, perhaps written in invisible ink (ah, invisible ink on the internet... can you imagine how that is done?... more secret endtrails, or perhaps i mean entries after all...

narf :)

i think i was going to write something like this

because i have these four links here waiting for something like this entry, but the idea behind this selection, if there ever was one (faith says there must have been, hopes says it will come again, worry destroys what could be, so just relax and wait and see), floated away with me wherever i floated away to at the original time and place and point in space of this particular entry that wasn't when it was meant to be but is becoming whatever it is right now... it's all about timing... or not timing... not that that is the question or anything like that... being is underrated sometimes...

being breathless, however, is seldom not... depending on the cause, perhaps, and yet, whatever it is matters because being breathless is better than being without breath... there is a difference... and the difference is now...

start again tomorrow...

narf :)

was not here

the empty box waiting for this entry was here, but i apparently was not here... how it happened is a mystery because i was the one who opened this box... there is little clue as who what made me disappear... not telling why by looking at clocks... or socks... or a little red fox... perhaps i fell asleep without being aware.... we'll stil the rhymes with fox, m'ok?...

so this was last night or something like that...

narf :)

forever for now

ah, perhaps a sign of awareness of the relativity of time... or coincidence, if there are any... strange lp, but then, i like strange and i buried in storage there are many thousands (as in many many)... my love of music is still alive, even though i seldom indulge it these days... missing people... food... why am i still awake?... lp from new york no less... that's where my lps are... hers too, or so it seems... proofrock?... sleep please, fool doesn't wanna due... doesn't wanna die either, actually...

maybe tomorrow...

narf :)

such a fun day

that was somewhat sarcastic, since i did nothing today that would be considered my work... and this was finished two hours late, by date stamp time... the DON work and other Nursing management work and a two and a half hour meeting with the operations heirachy (the VP of Tampa and my boss, the COO)... and the mind is buzzing with a dozen unfinished tasks that are many balls flying through the air waiting for me to catch them and continue juggling until each completes it's appointed rounds... or something like that... pant pant pant... dress... dress... dress... la la la...

so i stuffed myself with pasta and cheese and sause again... 86% of my consciousness is comfortably numb... 96% of my subconscious is numbly disappointed... and a little more wired than i meant to get... bloat is so unappealing to me on so many levels, but the taste buds had their orgasm and the rush of sugars and spices and everything fatty has me chemically sedated, as usual...

and then i got distracted fixing my att email for six hours, or more, again... att is truly a pain...

life is still narf... you? :)

was smoking for a while there

as in had about forty entries flying outta me through the first ten or so days of the month... and then robin decided to forget what dreams may come (or maybe he just could not longer wait to find out... but what an unpleasant way to go home, na nu shma nu) and the next ten days say maybe ten entries and wah wah wah all the way to the end of the month winding down, like a waning super moon... or something like that...

and if i am lucky i am getting four hours sleep since then, which further diminishes the words as the body aches and neck demands sleep (such acute subconscious instinctive control of mind or matter, if you only knew)... not even time to fill in... much...

maybe the energy and inspiration and hope and optimism and wonder will return next month... maybe i need a new drug... if only the legal technicalities didn't get in the way...

seriously, i was...

narf :)

there is child porn all over the web

way back in the 90s (yes, old timer time) when the web was young and the usenet was full of newsgroups for all sorts of tastes, there was a scary amount of child porn on the web that was way too easy to find when wandering the newsgroups for not-child porn... loneliness and horniness leads to internet searching for companionship even if it is fantasy... and all these years later for the first time in however long a long time feels like i entered the the two words innocent and nude in the search box and seriously illegal pictures and videos showed up too quickly as if there is no other meaning to the word innocent other than child and there is no other meaning to the word nude other than sex... sick culture we live in when wanting to find others who can be comfortable enough with their bodies to be nude, innocently, leads to old men fucking children, or at least little girls portraying children... but some of them were children, like actual eight year olds and loads of barely pubescent girls... and it reminded me that cops around here pose as 13 year olds in adult chat rooms on craigs list luring sad lonely legal age boys into jail... does a real pedophile actually go to an adult chat room for kicks?... where are the cops priorities?...

yeah, so my disgust with the human race is multifold tonight... and all i wanted to do was find someone who understood innocence is being naked emotionally and not porn...

and how was your night?...

some saturday nights

i vegetate... especially after a long busy week without much sleep, but even more often when i stay awake most of friday night as i did last night... it's better when there's softball and a party on friday nights, but this weekend is was happiness peeing all over the place and me struggling to stay awake and keep him company and take him out every two hours and vegetate is all i've got left... i did get the dvr down under 70% full, so there's something... so much excitement, right?... there was the new doctor, and in who, not as in horton... and some new show called intruders... something about nine... i am not erasing because i am watching with half a brain, if that much... fatigue fog, if that sounds familiar... work called a whole lot too which kept me from sleeping too... sex too, but that's not for this particular entry (after all, i don't write much about sex anymore... seems to much like pandering for attention)... you wanna know about life, maybe facebook can help... fun fun fun till dawn...

the visual candy jenna coleman provides is definitely welcome (oh, do we have another imaginary crush?... did you notice how many times she was asked to get or referred to naked?... ppppllleeeeease... no, seriously, i mean, please... so easy to make love to her eyes, fall in love with her smile, wish she would come around and sit on my face for a while... wait, that started out so sweet and innocent... i meant wish she would come around and let me love her for a while... let me know her for a while... sit and talk to me a while... yeah, eyes, smile, and that look of love for the doctor... distracted?... squirrel?... hug?... there must be some way out of here, said the writer to the parentheses)... she does have adoring eyes and an adorable smile and... yes, definitely an imaginary crush...

did i say vegetate?... invigorate?... masturbate?... copulate?... sure sure, i'm irresistible, but that's beside the point... but it's not all been wild sex, after all... there is babbling... and i may have lost whatever train of thought this entry might have had or was heading for, so maybe it's time for sleep... nite nite?...

narf :)

where'd i put that day off again?

all morning the phone has been ringing... the nurses miss their DON... having vacancies in both nurse manager positions at the same time may leave some insecurity in the air for the nurses so they look to me for reassurance and decisions since i am the boss... and incidents and accidents and inspections and investigations and regulatory and satisfaction surveys and then there are the daily tasks of politics and economics and managing and direction and administrating and then, the people we serve, the people we take care of, the center of it all... gets busy sometimes taking care of a health care facility... and look at this, am i actually ruminating about the life offline in a relatively direct, undistracted, semi-serious, almost not egocentric, maybe even balanced kind of way (who knows, maybe i will even stop all the self-indulgent whining and pathetic patronizing of my weakest links {you know, depression, self-pity, giving up on life, the universe, and everything... hello marvin?} and rambling parenthetic distractions and expose myself or something like that... ummmm, what?)...

another busy day... you?

ssssssssswwwwwwwwwaaaaaaanhnnnnnnnnn

dive?... heck if i know... maybe it's an accent thing... neck?... definitely as intrusive into the consciousness as anything, even more than the ear when it raises the stakes... it can really get in the way of some serious cunnilingus, but that's beside the point... ridiculously, my tastes in pornography are not satisfied with any of the pornography humanity produces... not that i've seen it all... i suppose that proves i am an alien... alien sex, that's the ticket... craig ferguson would understand... or at least pretend he does just for the nod and wink effect... he's good at that... might as well buy a real doll, but then, those are made for human tastes... anybody got an alien real doll?... you want me to be serious?... you assume i am not?... or can be?... oh pishaw, come let me love you, la la la...

we are all innocent, really we are... some of us just abuse the experience a lot more than others... that's human nature, at least for the moment... might as well be in an underwear commercial for adult diapers, or not... i really must stop looking up at the tv, it can be quite disturbing, even if i never turn on the news... pretend it's not happening, that's the way to survive... or go mad and fuck it, that's my way... sometimes...

one of these nights, we'll all understand... '

narf :)

waiting for southwest

ok, so there are great benefits to having my southwest visa, like not having to pay more than $10 for a flight in more than two years, including the flights booked for jackson... if only i could pay rent and the car payment on the card, i'd have a ton more free flights, but that's an unfortunate side note... i've been on hold for more than a half hour (at least) waiting to talk to someone about changing my flight... maybe if i didn't press the prompt for change a flight someone would have come on long ago... the thing is, i am not finding a sure way of making the change on line... i can cancle the current flights, but the site says i can't use the points i'd get back right away so i can't guarantee i'd get the other flight i want... and i have to change one ticket at a time, so i can't guarantee my ticket change would happen as i want it to after i change jackson's flight... so i am waiting to talk to someone who can assure me that the flight change can happen without a hitch... so here we sit listening to a monotonous recording over and over... thank goodness for speaker phones and power cords and patience... the change makes sense... it saves time, money, and more... a lot, actually... so i shall wait and hope it happens...

phenomenally, or something like that, it's a half hour later than it was when i finished the last paragraph which was thirty five minutes after i first called southwest... they are obviously bust or they want to discourage flight changes... but i have a power cord to keep my phone charged so i wait... and wait... and i could have typed wait a few thousand times, at least, but the good news is that when i finally got a human voice on the other end, everything worked out great... i switched flights and car rentals and saved money and everything is good...

wasn't that exciting?...

me neither...

narf :)

on the net again

not quite willie nelson (or bob seger, for that matter, though closer to bob than willie and probably just as much the other bob, as in a complete unknown and so on, if you recall or get it or something like that)... some girls have very pretty breasts, after all... but the point may have been wandering the internet a bit (though not as i once did when i was living the life of leisure and browsing hours and hours some days or not even an hour a day like i did these days or before even, aye?) and yet every once in a while, though perhaps more often than a blue moon, i do wander around and find odds and ends and random interests that kind of say come back again when you have more time or simply one person's book list (speaking of random)...

and then there is la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la all over...

or something like that :)

so much to do

just when work was reaching a stable maximum load, the flood gates of additional workload were flung open this week and fatigue is washing across the beaches of my mind... i'll be getting less sleep this week than i have in several months and while we might consider only one scheduled softball game a lucky break, it's ridiculously less exercise than the body should be getting and the weight gained over the course of the past year remains an obstacle to optimal health... so many things are pending at work that even after a majorly successful day (no citations in an AHCA survey) and passing out in the recliner for the second evening in a row, here i am awake and already working because there are projects with deadlines and most of all, i have no nurse manager or DON or office manager at the moment so i have three large platters full of work in addition to mine... so the Nursing schedule and time cards and time off requests are late because the exiting DON has slacked off a lot in her last 30 days and the many varied office manager tasks are piling up as well...

maybe i'll sleep another hour or two then head in...

narf :)

space nerds

so are you one of those space nerds who sits around pondering what might happen when two super massive black holes collide?... like what will the sky look like when andromeda and the milky way get together?... oh wait, am i sitting here wondering what will happen when... yes, i am one of those nerds, sometimes... all we need to do is master time travel and we could wander ahead in time and... die?... yes, we'd have to figure out how to stay alive if we got there to watch the fireworks... so much we don't know in this universe... so much power and energy and stuff so not conducive to life... and all we can do is wonder... or, like most people, not even think about it... maybe it's easier that way...

tired now, so suddenly, bye...

narf :)

i don't want to be here anymore

what?... yeah, whatever... you don't need to know or understand, nobody does... it is a matter of perspective... maybe i mean here... i've been lazy, physically, since then... lazy in the head too, which is sad, depressing even... before too, which got me into that moment, but much more since then... eating too much pasta and rich sauces and breads (starch! starch! starch! on the march! march! march!) and not enough salads and greens... taking my vitamins every day... and my red yeast rice which is blood pressure medication... so i don't exactly want to die... but i am not working on the living much either... letting the aging happen like i have at other lazy times in this life... depressed, yeah, but mostly just burning myself out giving time and energy to others on most every level...

maybe i should go elsewhere?...

narf :)

sleep later

actually not even tomorrow... maybe two days, maybe three... the work is needy, the life is needy, needy needy... but that's the world we live in, needy selfish petty frightened fools... some become sheep... some become arrogant power hungry monsters... the difference between loving water pouring down the throat and hating water pouring down our broncial tubes... once sustains life, the other kills... adding or subtracting years to a life, maybe some time last year there was a wonderful relaxation almost a year old and even though savings dwindled, peace and love danced through life (between the idle stress of living with humans)...

and there are hours of dvr-tv to watch even as sleep begs for some undivided attention (and can it be had in this mind that has no off switch, even when the body collapses?)... perhaps, but who has time to record the telepathic telemetry of the many waves of energy that pour out from the head, that rise up from the bed, that remember what the good book said, that even raise the dead for the well read... take your meds... take your meds... take your meds... and feed your head...

could just pass out, but then, the chair is not the bed... hug?...

zzzzzzzzzzz....

wide awake and losing it

i was here wide awake and dreaming with some brain cells screaming schools out for ever as the energies of memories of music from the night before and years gone by was fresh and new as after concert glow and words just flowed and flowed but where are they now and how did they disappear so were they ever here and are we?...

oh to be young innocent and please not stupid but so often naive and stupid and innocent go hand in hand because trust is wasted on the young who do not know it's power... or danger...

maybe it went away before it arrived...

narf :)

no rest for the fun-hound

yes, the pursuit of fun leaves little time for rest... jackson is out jogging at the local park while i slept in slightly because i am old (hey, to sleep in, i'll use any excuse lol lam)... yesterday's softball practice with once again just five people showing up including jackson and myself was a good workout for me since i pitched hundreds of pitches (bending to pick up a ball each time) and fielded dozens of balls and most of the time everybody else stood around watching as i retrieved the balls they rolled back toward the infield and as usual, had to swing at mediocre pitches because nobody else pitches so my batting practice was very weak while they all got good pitches to hit for the most part (except jackson who was the first to bit after a break and i was stiff after the break so it took time to loosen up again) so the unfairness remains and the ridiculous lack of practice remains (coach couldn't show up either) and at least i pushed this body this time so that's the good news even though this team is a joke for thinking it's any sort of team, no less going to do anything at the world series next month... twice a week there are opportunities for practice (thursday night and saturday mornings) and only a few people make it to either...

meanwhile, i worked a few hours again yesterday because the place runs 24/7 and ...

my, that stopped suddenly...

narf :)

so little time for narfing around

i suppose the question might have been better sung can you hear the narf tonight, but the babbler has not been set free from his time capsule constraints for quite some time as life responsibilities to others take precedence over the creative convolutions of the infinite imagination and mourn the energy of the eternal infinity lost in the shuffle of this modern world's suicidal tendencies and massive denial projects that create mass delusion and various other defense mechanisms such as projection, disassociation, and several more, at least, left out to provoke your paranoia cuz you are doing at least one of them right this very moment as you read these words even if your conscious mind does not acknowledge the facts...

don't be afraid now... even if you are home alone... let your love flow...

narf :)

so sad to watch death take a life

he's got his mother's heart, so wanting to please, so wanting to love and be loved, so afraid of hurting or offending or upsetting anyone... i wonder if he knows he is dying... he's lived about fifteen years and the last four with kidney stones and the last few with gradually diminished hearing and sight and aches and pains from arthritis and a heart murmur, but until the past six months he was still bouncing around like a puppy more than half the time... now, it's a rare moment when he bounces and he has accidents just struggling to stand up... the last few weeks he's not made it to the grass about half the time and the last week or two he's not made it to the front door... all the signs of kidney failure, alas, and even through eyes clouded by thickening cataracts he stares longingly for more attention, for more love, and of course, for more treats... even when he is not hungry, treats are love for him... he's drinking every drop of water we put out these days and it's passing through him as fast as he can lap it up... again, signs of kidneys not concentrating the urine and ultimately, kidney failure and more...

the house smells of urine as he is having accidents while we are away that we are not finding... but it's his eyes that hurt the most... the confusion beams out of them as his body fails to do what his mind wants it to do... no longer does he bounce up when we walk in, in fact, in the past week he just lays there staring much of the time... we take him to the vet tomorrow and i am holding my breath because jackson is so very fragile when it comes to any mention or though of death... and this is her son of fifteen plus years, her four-legged son with the puppy-glow fading from his eyes... she's been through this once before with her first cat and it was so sad... so sad...

what to do, what to do... listen to the vet tomorrow... the vet that jackson went to school with even before she adopted her son... the vet who's known him all his life... we'll listen, we'll run whatever tests she recommends, and jackson will decide what to do... and i will be there supporting her...

it's just a game

this happened later, but puppy took precedence in the time stamp relativity if you follow the meaning there... the sunday afternoon team is falling apart... people don't show up for practice... people don't show up for the summer league where we are supposed to be preparing for the world series we go to next month... and those who show up play half-heartedly, fumbling most balls that come their way... it's is sad, pathetic even, because the people not showing up and those showing up will be truly believing they have a chance of winning games at the world series and that egotistical delusional thinking is not just sad and pathetic, it is quite frustrating...

so we showed up and i am hearing the talk in the dugout that we should beat the team we are playing in three innings by at least 20-0 and we give up 6 runs in the first inning all on errors and i knock in two runs and we give up more runs on errors in the second and we lose 16-8 and i knocked in four and went two for three but we had no fielding and not enough hitting and the other team had an easy gift... they got blown out in their next game by a team we can beat easily when we all show up ready to play...

and then we played our second game and it was 20-0 before we even got up to bat... we lost 21-0... i got one of the few hits we got in the three innings we played... so i did good, but the team fell apart... again... sigh...

at least i have other teams who actually try to win this season...

so how was your night?...

find this one

used to be at least a few stopped by for every entry but lately it's just been one of you and right here waiting and the rest of you find your way back here later in the week... i feel your sadness and wish i could shower you with love and some energy that would burst through your depression and rekindle the glow of the you buried somewhere inside... i know you are in there... just as pockets said to peter "oh, there you are, Peter!", i know you are in there... hurting... hiding... humbled by sadness and feelings of failure... but you are still there and i love you... and i wish you would express the moment, whether it is utter despair or an overwhelming sense of nothingness or numbing pain or blind rage at the unfairness of life, i wish you would just put on word after the other and see what happens... it is worth a whole lot to me, even if you think it is worthless... let me treasure you...

understanding everything

then i went to bed and here we are, a few hours later... the mind is a terrible thing to waste, after all... someone someone might understand... until then, i leave these words here for you...

it just takes a moment to understand everything...

narf :)

and the roller coaster ride just keeps on rolling

it's a roller coaster of emotion in this life, always has been, but for me, it's so many more highs than lows, even though the lows have bottomed out with betrayals of trust that stole everything i owned at least four times, once that literally left me on the street homeless with nothing but $4, jeans, a t-shirt, socks and sneakers and yet, even on days and nights of sleeping in parks or shelters, there were precious joys found inside and around me because that has been my ways as long as i can remember... it's just the perspective i chose when i was very young, simply, to me, a decision... be happy... enjoy myself... and maybe most of all, live in the moment cuz in most moments, there are amusements and wonders and beautiful things to be found... just have to be open to them and want t be happy, enjoy myself, and there they are...

that's why is is so challenging for me to understand how someone lets depression to overwhelm them so completely they see no way out but hurting themselves or someone else or worse, ending a life... and while my empathy can experience such depths of depression that i can curl up and give up on everything for a few days or longer, it just doesn't last because i find amusements in the simplest things within myself and this life experience... why anyone would give up that awareness so completely that they give up on life simply makes no sense to me... maybe it is because i usually can distinguish between rational and irrational thought and i never bought into the crutches and helplessness of accepting without question all the delusions and suicidal tendencies most humans seem to belief to be truth and right... and maybe it's as simple as no matter what, i know everything changes and at any moment, there is always hope of something good happening...

so sometimes all i can do is sigh when those i know and care about see no way out of their sadness and helplessness and hopelessness... hope is the last chance of possibilities... and maybe, in the end, it is simply that i choose a delusion in which there is always hope... always love... always something to smile about... no matter what happens, no matter what anyone says, for me, it has always be a choice...

i wish i knew someone who chose this too...

sigh...

sad and a little numb

i often thought robins williams was a genius, but alas, he was not as smart as i thought... 8,059,082 facebook likes were not enough... i can make awonderful moment out of one like of anything i might write... a man with so much imagination could not fight his way out of the paper bag of depression... it makes no sense to me... do i misunderstand, or am i misunderstood... to know the feeling of aloneness that is way beyond loneliness, to know the feeling of despair that is way beyond than depression, to know the feeling of isolation that is way beyond anything that makes sense, rational thought must be extruded from consciousness, reason must be buried by delusion and lies, and intelligence must be overwhelmed by stupidity... suicide is an act of stupidity, especially for someone so adored and treasured by so many near and far... a chemical imbalance?... maybe... but which comes first, the stupid thinking or the chemistry?... someday, maybe science will attempt to believe an answer... for now, it is just a mind choosing to be blind, a body choosing to give up, a warrior choosing to fall on his sword... and millions cry over the act... but no one, nothing was enough to stop it... whatever the thought process that lead to the choice, it makes no sense to me... maybe it would make sense if i knew more... anything is possible...

but to be in a mind that no one can keep up with and still want to share can be a longing too painful to bear... and so who wrote the lines he read?...

“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.” from "World's Greatest Dad" (2009)

of course it is a unbelievably strange world we live in, especially on the internet, so don't go changing to try to please me, dontchaknow... it is just too sad for words this time, though not too sad for time in words, but there must be something wrong with the script because the desperation of attention seeking through humor (or acting out in any way, even acting) is so rarely seen as the cry for help that it is... and some we think so brilliant may never have understood the big picture they tapped into for moments of clarity that lead us to call them genius... and we ask, how could someone with such insight have so little awareness... and we ask how could someone with such insight into human nature and culture have so little insight into themselves... perhaps it is because their perceived genius is in how they escape from themselves...

"There was an old, crazy dude who used to live a long time ago. His name was Lord Buckley. And he said, a long time ago, he said, 'People--they're kinda like flowers, and it's been a privilege walking in your garden.'"
. . . . . . . . . . . . Robin Williams -- "Reality...What A Concept" (1979)

what the fuck?

i feel like singing hey hey johnny and vincent (sigh) and even candle in the wind (sigh) all at once (yeah, a lot of links and who has time to do it all, right?... there's always hope someone does, ya know) as i wish i knew him (sigh) before he was gone...

nothing makes sense when someone with a mind that ran amuck on so many levels could give up on life without making some profound point everything and anyone could understand, at least a little... perhaps those closest are hiding his message ((sigh) for some reason they believe more important than the message itself... or perhaps his brilliant mind simply gave out on him... anything can happen, i thought he knew, could he have forgotten?... i hope i never do... anything can happen, so why go away and miss what might happen... when tomorrow is today... tomorrow, tomorrow, always becomes today... and never ever ever ever give up on today... through every illusion, i hope and wish i will always remember giving up is just not my way...

being alone is not the final end, it is, as is every ending, just another beginning...

i know that the risk of sharing the illusion that we are not alone is the other person stops sharing it... so why share it?... because it is amazing when it happens... the most beautiful illusion we can share... and when it stops, it may be the saddest moment we create for ourselves... to experience the illusion fully, we must forget it is an illusion... but in forgetting, we forget that loneliness is the result of forgetting and our reaction could be catastrophic hopelessness and even giving up...

and so, apparently, he did... and those closest let him...

it will take some time... some music... some tears... some time... to get back to the laughter, maybe not years, but some time... for reality, what a concept was funny... but suicide, what a concept... is not... the saddest thing is that he may have said it himself as he (irony) made this illusion within an illusion all too real...

and all that's left to wonder now is what dreams may come?...

misunderestimating

was the pure genius of the term lost in the buffoonery of the delivery... was it an intentional play on words so brilliant that is blinded everyone to the truth... to underestimate is to what, to judge someone as less than they are, as most likely unable to succeed or accomplish anything they set out to do... and to misunderestimate?... to be wrong in your underestimation of someone's ability... seems to me the speaker of the word certainly accomplished what he wanted to do as his opposition mocked and ridiculed him, but could not stop him...

perhaps we misunderestimate a lot of the things let happen in this world... it's the easy way out...

sigh...

phone management

well, the button said import and so i click on it and now, 3747 photos are being imported... though i do not know where they are being imported to... if they are being imported into the folder i have open, i will need to do some sorting and rearranging... it is also taking a very long time so there must be a faster way, like pulling the SD card from the camera and putting it into an SD slot on the computer, but then, i though i was importing just the one photo in the phone folder i had open... so we are up to photo 500 of the 3747 and we wait to see how much work i have made for myself... it would be good to know how much space was needed before starting and where the import is going and some control over the import would be helpful too... i am not sure if this is windows or android deficiencies, but there are annoying deficiencies... I tagged the import thinking it would be just one photo and now all 3747 photos are tagged the same, again, wasting time, poor organization, windows and android fail... and we are at 1500 of the 3747 photos importing...

a little while later, we are at 3300 of the 3747 photos.. i found where they are importing to and they all go in one folder with each named tag001, tag002, tag003, etcs with the tag being the useless tag i chose for the one photo that the tag was appropriate for...

hours later, i figured out some of what was going on... a lot of the photos were duplicates because every photo i ever too had a thumbnail made of it and when i delete photos from the phone, the thumbnails are not deleted and when i clicked on import it simply numbered every photo and imported them and that made for duplicates of every photo and it really is a poor system of file management that google provies android... so anyway, hours later i deleted most of the photos and thumbnails from the phone and will sort the ones i downloaded to my computer when i have some time...

too much time managing the android phone files though... is it unique to htc?... are the other android operating systems any better?... is the iphone any better?...

la la la...

what i do here

i share me and my thoughts on everything that happens to me, everything i do and see, everything i feel can be and more what i want things to be... and more i share what bothers me, i vent frustration easily and that allows me to be free of stress or animosity... it's not that i don't feel negativity, i just release it as harmlessly as possibly in words (you see?)... i mean no harm and want to do no harm in this life, but intentions are not perfections and i will do more harm holding frustration in than i do by setting it free, literally... i wish to never offend, but it hurts more to pretend, and i cannot make others understand this process if they don't want to... leaving the negativity here, i don't carry it around and that allows peace and happiness to blossom... i so wish to be understood, i say it again and again... it's really pretty simple... i wish everyone had a way to do this that worked for everyone...

and sometimes i repeat myself, trying to explain just right... i have a hundred live blogs, each waiting for words, each with it's own reason for being heard and here is the daily babbling life that longs to share which is why the words are here... i write and write and write because i want to share everything in this life with someone and until i have another partner who wants to share everything in this life with me, i record everything i think, do, feel, and see (and experience and perspective and joys and pains and excitements and frustrations and yeah yeah yeah) here and there (and wherever)...

i share, i care, i hope for more...

is it time to go away?

i do not think i mean from the world wide web entirely, though that thought is within the rhelm of meanings of the title... i am pretty sure i meant is it time to go away from this blog and start again as i have one two three four five, six, well, many times before... thought the purely daily ones were sorta these two but there are lost pages and broken links in the earliest ones and a whole myspace blog up and disappeared one day as well, but what i was starting to say was i've done this all before... after all, there are many (around a hundred) blogs and none of them actually completely concluded, even when they disappeared at the hands of others...

and yes, that's not bullsugar...

but the question here is timing... is it time to leap to another blog space that will allow another new perspective (if perspectives changed at all from blog to blog)... i actually have one two three several places i could leap to already seeded with entries that would give the blogspace some sort of flavor (or so it should?... without an editor and feedback from people who've read all of the different blog spaces, all i can do is guess from my own perspective which is bias no matter how objective i may be... so anyway, the question remains like the song, should i stay or should i go, sort of)...

i think this is part one of this pondering...

blame it on the dog

i didn't mean to lie, but i did not fall asleep... i watched some tv, wrote some entries, and now, the dog is scratching licking and chewing himself to the point where ignoring him is neglect... poor thing... and a lot of it is emotional responding to his mom's stress and anxiety and also responding to his aging and confusion... ears failing, eyes fading, muscles weakening, joints aching, it so sad to live with a slowly dying dog... what a drag it is getting on, ya know?...

i paused to lay with him a while and give him comfort... his anxiety and aches make it challenging for him to lay still long, but he is still such a social being and his loneliness due to being left alone for hours during the day and evening shows... we stop by at least once or twice a day to let him go out and pee cuz he hurts and can't hold it as long as he used to some days... so we hug him and lay with him and love him...

but i do need sleep, my head is falling over...

nite nite (for real this time :)

long day, yummy night

work was non-stop today as i was doing the work of six directors and managers and then some... i just humped from task to task and didn't even realize the day was zipping past without eating or drinking until it was past dinner time... much was done, still more to do, and it will be a while before i have all of my directors and managers in place again as two positions were eliminated and my DON is resigning and my nurse manager and administrative coordinator is starting next week so training time must be made... so much paperwork, so many things that need to be done beyond the paperwork, and more... changing a very ingrained culture of laziness and privilege takes time and recently the resistance to change has become retaliatory as lies and allegations that are meant to get good people fired are starting to appear in strange ways... anonymous accusations scanned from the copier... cars keyed... and neglect of clients as a challenge for managers to take action while complaints that management is harassing people are heard by the corporate hierarchy who look at turnover numbers and panic to the point of telling managers to back off and let staff get away with the laziness and disrespect of clients that i was hired to stop... we shall see how it turns out as i accept the impotent management requested for a while... i see it as prolonging the inevitable... but numbers matter more than people even in an organization that believes it does not...

so home two hours later than intended, but still in time to take jackson out for her celebratory dinner for passing her licensing board exam... bayridge sushi is a taste of my home town here in orlando (as is pickles deli, both of which are within a mile of where i live, which helps me love this place), though the reviewer linked does not seem to like sushi much... it's not the greatest sushi place in the world, but it's usually very good... and tonight, it was very good... yummy... the bottle of plum wine helped too... and dessert was jeremiah's gelato... and jackson immortalized us on facebook as usual... and yay for celebrations... and sleepiness now...

nite nite :)

nocturna

over the years i have found many websites that inspired me to fall in love with the creator of the site and sadly, many of those sites are gone because infividual human life is temporary and people are transient and few people really understand the way to create even the illusion of permanence or eternity... just don't delete, don't take pages down, don't lose hope that what you did is worth sharing... but people tend to diminish their perceived value and therein get lost in doubting themselves... it is so sad to me because when we devalue ourselves, we devalue everything and everyone... when we delete, discard, or otherwise destroy something we've done, we diminish humanity... the self-destruction of the human species is so conditioned since birth that rare is the human who sees the bigger picture that can show you the worth in every little thing, including every little thing you do...

and so i found noctura again and the pages i linked to her website all those years ago are still gone, so much wonder and value, but it was good to see she did not give up completely, even if it's scarcely the art that her original site was... and then, perhaps she did not take her pages down, perhaps she was a victim of the corporate internet like i was when the servers i trusted and isp service i paid for was simply discontinued, removing my many thousands of pages from the internet overnight... it's happened to me a few times... the temporary, the transient, the lack of respect... the greed... that's humanity in so many ways...

still, i wish i could browse her world again :)

and another softball rainout

if i recorded all of them this season, there's be thirty entries, at least... this is the second one this week, but at least i did not dress and go to the fields to wait for the game to be called... it was called off as i was on my way home from work... so i headed home to find jackson not feeling well and heading for bed, only she didn't sleep and seemed torn between wanting comfort and wanting to punish herself, a place we all stumble into sometimes... she had texted me saying she hoped we would not play tonight cuz she didn't feel well and wanted to sleep but... poor baby, she is so stressed over work and life and love and money and more, she is losing her successes in worries of failures... so sadly human, like most everybody else...

so i am watching tv, defiance and dominion, two strange shows, the latter rather predictable (but then, what show about angels and god isn't?... some sweet eye candy now and then) and the former holding out a little hope for some creativity mostly because of a few odd characters wrapped around the cliche father-adopted-daughter relationship and a little eye candy, but mostly attractive because it is slightly reminiscent of firefly in it's tone and oddity and desperation, though not nearly as good (but then, firefly had a great cast of characters and some seriously innocent-killer eye candy almost as good as resident evil's absolutely magical milla (that's some nice website flash... and thanks for the smile, even sad as the author was)...

we all want love, but we must believe we deserve it to find it... and then, we must trust ourselves to survive anything to let it find us... for love is a two edged sword and cutting both ways hurts whether it becomes the essence of eternal ethereal beauty or the torture of seemingly endless, though actually only temporary loneliness and denial...

narf :)

but what was the title?

before the title this comes after, if that makes any sense to you... the point is, i want to share and no one is here so i write as i've done for so long long into the night instead of sleep i write to share the words whenever you get here like a dream i imagine you reading and caring and that is sort of sharing if you follow the reasoning and if you don't, well, you can take a course in the matter next week on the back of a llama if you ring four fried figs for the llama and a lace umbrella because it's hot out there...

i fell asleep somewhere between the first and last word in that last paragraph and forgot to write the title, in case that was not more obvious than it may be now... don't go breaking no hearts, yay know?...

narf :)

another softball rainout

so i leave work and rush home in traffic and rush a quick light snack and rush to dress and rush to the field in major rush hour traffic and game time comes and the other team takes the field and our first batter steps into the batter's box and the lightning siren goes off and we all have to leave the field and wait and a half hour later they call our game and we all groan and head home... then dinner, yummy and semi-healthy... veggie patties with spinach artichoke dip and sliced turkey and provolone cheese all hot and melted and stuffed grape leaves on the side... and rice chips... and water... and some sesame sunflower snacks for dessert... and i wrote this epic poop... and jackson got home and we watched tv and i wrote this entry you are reading...

and another night without exercise, pity da fool i am...

narf :}

when youz wazn't looking

i slipped in a plug for your spectacular non-existence (now there's yet another title for a spectacularly non-existent book, movie, or cd, naturally), which may or may not be noticed before posterity gets here... speaking of time travels, which comes first, the future or posterity?... speaking of meaninglessly obtuse questions, there will never be a portrait of out live, or another z-man, z0tl, that is, and yes, you are still on my mind, not necessarily always, cuz your mind is amazing, even lost in the dark...

in darkness one
finds nothing easily
even self-absorbed
he is lost

and yet, when lost within your own mind, what better time is there to play with words, play with imagination, play with the made-up meanings of a meaningless life (one of the most profoundly powerful ways to create what the world calls epic classic avante-guard or at least amazing art comes from self-medicating with fukitol, but only the mad and the geniuses get there and neither necessarily ever know where they are, or what, for that matter)... the only waste may just be not sharing...

free your mind...

what's imminent?

the description of this site lead me to think of my old friend know as z0tl on the internet... even though z0tl has semi-permanently retired (i'll never believe it, he will return some day... there's always hope) cuz that's just the way it is (someday my own semi-immortalization of z0tl (irony is like stepping on a wet noodle, barefoot, sometimes) and others will continue and the world will rejoice in his name... never give up, never surrender... but still, sometimes, there is no clue...

it is time to sleep...

burp...

exploding is not an option

though i am feeling like a balloon that has no more room left for even a fraction of a breath of air, if a balloon had feelings and consciousness, that is... i at a little more than my usual way too much tonight... maybe a lot more... like way a lot more, even... three big stuffed peppers and more than half of a family sized eggplant parmesan and besides feeling like an explosion is imminent, it is challenging to hold the head up... the body muscles all just want to shut down and let the digestive track (or is it tract, whatever) do it's thing... jackson laughs and mocks me, the puppy wishes he was me, and the cat just stares... yes, curious stares... might be because she is sensing the unnatural expansion of the abdomen... and breathing is a bit labored at the moment...

it was all just so good... surprisingly excellent... it was costco stuffed peppers... and michael angelo's eggplant parm (with extra mozzarella and sauce and spices, of course)... of course i was starving and craving, which made it infinitely better... i was good though cuz i once again did not buy chocolate or sweets even though i went down that isle a few times... i bought some sesame sunflower snacks... craving chocolate though, as usual... i need a pillow for my head...

narf :)

softball night

after a long day at work there was a surprise call to sub on a new team and well, it didn't quite go as i had hoped... 20-0 in three innings... no matter what i threw at the batters (and i only walked one), they were hitting the ball everywhere and balls were popping out of gloves left and right behind me, so, 20-0 in three innings... i batted last and got a solid base hit with runners on first and second, but they tried to score and the runner was thrown out at home... not sure why they didn't think bases loaded with the top of the lineup up was not preferable over making the last out at home when we were down 9-0, but that's the choice the coach made... would have liked to have done better so they might have asked me back, but... that's softball...

meanwhile, in the much much more important news, jackson passed her licensing exam and we cheered and cheered and almost went out to celebrate but the weather and softball and fatigue got in the way (jackson was too tired when the game was over and the game was delayed an hour due to weather)... so i ate my way out of frustration with some basic comfort food, macaroni and cheese, my way (secret recipe only the one will ever know, especially since it changes randomly even though it has the same basic ingredients most of the time and in another mood i just might list all the ingredients anywhere anyway cuz i've actually got nothing to hide cuz i am not paranoid or ascared of anything, even, but i sometimes pretend to play one on tv)...

so yummy... all that's missing is the chocolate... alas and all...

narf :)

there might have been fifty

or more entries as popular as this one, or that one linked before as this one, not meaning this one, if you know what i mean... i really don't understand how anyone could have preferred jay lenno over david letterman... but craig ferguson tops them all, like it or not, for he simply acts like he doesn't care what happens to him or how he appears better than any of them... that's the secret, you know... appearing like you don't care about anything except loving the moment and everything in it... yes, you too...

so just remember as you stroll about your life (or is that as yous troll about your life?), even someone with a 249 iq might be inferior to someone with a 250 iq... it's just that way sometimes...

yeah, there could have been fifty, or we could just enjoy what we've got...

do that, narf :)

softball day

the body has definitely deteriorated to the worst shape it has ever been in... there, i said it... face it... deal with it... and then face the question... is that ok?... is it acceptable for me at this point in this life?... do i want to renew the fight against gravity and entropy and aging once again and see how far back toward optimal condition i can get without killing the body (of course an error would leave this body damaged, perhaps irreparably, perhaps even dead, so the question must be pondered with care and any actions i do take must be taken with great care... doing it alone is a challenge... but then, we are alone, that's reality... and yet, the illusion of sharing the process of living, especially when taking on serious physical challenges that could risk life and death, well, it's an illusion i'd like to find again...

so the morning we practiced, all six of us who showed up, including the coach... we are frustrated with this team not being a team, not showing up for practice, and i especially get frustrated with the prima donna players who think they don't need practice and repeatedly lose games for us by not warming up, not practicing, and simply hustling during games... and once again i didn't get to do any fielding practice anywhere but at pitcher and i got one ball to field for every four everybody else got... and i pitched batting practice to everyone but myself, straining my back and putting more mileage on the aging arm and when i got to bat i was already tired and had inconsistent pitching so it was all in all, not a good practice for me...

and the afternoon we played our second game in the old sunday afternoon league and we won our second game... i was able to control the hitting well, keeping them from hitting to the right side where we had two weak players, and in spite of a bunch of errors that gave up 5 runs, we won 13-5 with decent hitting... i went 3-3, batting last again, knocking in four rbis and scoring two runs... one player didn't show up and another player showed up a half hour late, but luckily we had a lightning delay and they made it just as we were starting to play... luckily my pitching was on so the game was ours... my era for the season remains zero...

and when i got home i got a text asking if i can sub tomorrow for a team i've not played with before... right around the corner... yay for softball... meanwhile, in case you missed the last entry, i still need a techie, if any techies are out there...

hope you had fun today too :)

going for the gustoi

or many entries, perhaps... yes, or so it appears, there is some evidence that somewhere inside someone decided to explode the blog as i did in years past with this sudden random flux capacitor of entries for no apparent reason and with haphazard uploading so that some are currently in the now and some are catch-up entries and you'll just have to wonder or use your keep deductive (or seductive) reasoning to determine which is which and what is what and all the rest of the questions burning through your heart as you read this mixed-up mish-mash of fun and frolic and such...

it's like watching a rerun of a talk show, you have to be in the mood to suspend reality and masturbate celebrity egos through neilson ratings... or something like that...

narf too :)

i need a techie

who won't drive me crazy... seriously, any techies out there?... i was looking for more detail than task manager gives and opened event viewer and foiund thousands of errors and hundreds of warning in just the past week and many involved msdtc and here is some of the research i've done so far, m'ok?...

i downloaded an old friend, spybot, and it is running scans and immunizations as i type this... spybot was always on my computers until i got this current laptop and i simply did not install it, but it's on now and i suppose i should feel safer... i've disabled some start up things and hopefully the computer will still reboot next time i shut it down...

anyway, if there is a techie out there who wants to help me learn about some stuff like "15 user registry handles leaked from" and why the laptop asked me to log in twice today when i woke it up and why google asked me to log in again for the first time in months and other reports that may be cause for concern, i'd very much appreciate your time... call me or write to me or leave a comment... thanks...

local access only

does google blogger send denial of service attacks (you know you're not paranoid if they really are out to get you) or is it a windows vista issue?... maybe... but the point is, it does happen most when i am trying to upload more entries to this massive blog here that is reaching for 6000 entries this year... yeah, they want to suppress the babble, it's obvious... call monty python to mock them to death...

of course it is a microsoft windows vista issue... because microsoft repeatedly puts out crap free software and anyone with enough money buys a mac because it works much better... somebody teach me linux, m'ok?...

narf :)

sleep or chocolate

on a work night, i am torn because the it is irresponsible to give up sleep to go out and get chocolate and consume the delicious stimulants and chemical concoction that is chocolate... yeah, but on a weekend night i have no such work responsibility and yet i am still torn because there is the health responsibility and that's kind sorta pretty important too (understatements r us, ya know?) and then there's the usual laziness that says why doesn't someone deliver chocolate and fun fun fun is just on the edge of the periphery of the universe...

so what happened after that is a mystery which makes it so much more exciting, right?... or whatever, cuz we all have our loves and crutches...

ooooo, loves and crutches, now there is a great title, aye?...

narf :)

food, dog, cat, tv, ranks

there are suddenly many entries recently and you've missed them if you blinked, so you can click here and there for a random selection or just click the back repeatedly and catch up... yummy burgers inspired by the semi-vegetarian jackson and fun at home tonight... we don't need to focus on how rudeness from the window girl at the local steak 'n shake does not bode well for a return trip... i didn't plan on going there but the local five guys closes at 10pm every night, even saturday night... so much money to be made and they close... i was craving an onion covered greasy burger with their fries too ever since jackson texted me from hamburger mary's... she's at a bachelorette party or bridal shower or something downtown and they have good burgers there... the title, by the way, tells all... or nothing... perspective.

reaching back a bit for something you might have missed for no apparent reason for random fun and glory for magical mystery music for delusional grandiosity and ego masturbation for secrets are as secrets so for now you know...

meanwhile, on the boob toob, snl is more and more disappointing with each passing year... it had some great seasons since the best ones, which were the first few years, but every time i tuned in over the years the writing gets lamer and lamer... the cast is definitely not getting better, but they are too often torpedoed by really bad writing... sad, really, because the show changed so much and it is languishing now, getting old and grazing barren pastures... cicily strong is cute, but trying way too hard to be cute and funny and the rest are trying even harder which makes for weak to pathetic humor... she also gets surprised by what she is reading and is too reactive to laughter around her... i was spoiled by chevy, dan, jane, and a few others who have no peers doing weekend update, not to mention gilda, the best not ready for prime time player ever... the earlier casts, even some into the eighties, were so much more talented impressionists and commedians... gilda, chevy, john, bill, dan, joe, eddie, tina, martin, billy, dana... jimmy was on the border... if there was only a way to rank them i'd share my momentary opinions with you... besides, softball comes early tomorrow and I should be sleeping...

earlier i bought a new t-shirt for me and jackson that says

i am not judging you
i am a therapist
i am diagnosing you

yeah, i know, snarky, even...

narf :)

so i did some chores

yes, with brighthouse screwing the muses and me out of the rare time for inspiration, i left the written gardens to do some chores... bug sprayed the patio as the ants were encroaching again... need to spend at least $50 on outdoor insect control because the cheap management of this community will not and ants are swarming in front and back of the apartment once again... i miss owning my own home, but it was quite a lot more work, actually... of course the retirement nest egg it was made it worth it... sigh...

then i did some laundry... and cleaned the bedroom... and put the bed down... yup, i rearranged the bedroom and put the bed down in spite of the car damage last week done by the workers the management hired and in spite of the fact that they did not respond to my request for their insurance company...

la la la wah wah wah yes, it sucks to be poor and have limited choices and all that, but poor is a relative term when we consider we bring in about a many thousand times what the average household earns in some parts of the world and how many in this world have no income at all (i was there for many years myself, but that's another life)... first world, third world, what the hell's the difference when we all kill each other...

another bloated night, but perhaps, into bed for the first time in many months...

narf :}

not to be (cuz brighthouse sucks)

the potential explosion of words that started this morning is not to be... brighthouse saw to that by cutting me off from the internet until i called, waited on hold, rebooted the modem, tried other things, was transferred to a level 3 tech, waited on hold, tried other things, and finally accepted about 60% of what i pay for because i did not want to spend any more time working for brighthouse which is better than the less than 1% i was getting earlier... meanwhile, the muses wandered off (though i was listening to and enjoying a muse live concert on the tv while wasting my time with brighthouse)... so now i am no longer as comfortably excited to be sitting here and the body wants to move and there are other things to do and the rush of energy from food and snacks is gone and, most importantly, the muses are sleeping again...

fuck brighthouse and their inferior technology...

narf...

sex in the country

so this might be a bit weird... in the past week i've discovered two women scientists who are fascinated by animal sex... evolutionary biology and comparative anatomy are their fields... the canadian is more attractive to me, since they are interested in such, though being a human animal they may be less interested in my sexual habits and preferences... one has a tv show while the other, as i mentioned in a previous entry, has a couple or few web shows... finding two in a week might be a sign of something, but do we really want to know just what the sign might be saying?... koala sex is almost always 42 penis thrusts... ah, is that what douglas adam's master computer meant?...

ah, laughter in the rain... or country, for that matter... i really should get some sleep this weekend... maybe i will make my bed... so many messages beneath the surface, how can anyone know what is meant in all these words... are we feeling comfortable?... numb?...

narf?... lol lam... serious fun, no doubt :)

time for sleep

i will be sleeping in this morning as long as happiness and curious let me, but this entry is being written tomorrow night and i have a very early softball practice in the morning so i really ought to get some sleep but i was so in a babbling mood earlier and was robbed of that time and experience by the brighthouse crappy service so i feel like pushing some more even though the creativity is waning as fatigue flushes through the system and the whining and blah blah blah is knocking at the door, so maybe not...

i would like to say i miss you though... it's been ages since you let me know you are out there and you've probably missed hundreds of entries or more and all this babbling should not fall on enpty eyes or ears or brains so i am waving from the train cuz there's always hope and you know the song, somebody might wave back...

narf :)

as promised, sorta

there might have been a dozen entries today, or more, but the brighthouse connection is faltering again and the excitement of energy some time ago faded, but that lament was getting old when it first appeared so far be it for me to bore us with any more of it here than this cuz, after all, we could be masturbating to some seductive scientist on tv like the sensual nerds we might be (reference to some recently past entry, no doubt) because, in the end, no matter how prudish, afraid, oppressed or repressed we or our species may be, there comes a moment in every awakened child's life when the revelation explodes from the amygdala, hypothalamus, and wherever else announcing (with or without drum rolls and trumpets) that sex is fun... yes, sex is fun!... so get on with it or get over it, depending on your perspective...

meanwhile, for those of you looking for a squirrel or other distraction, there are massive amounts of stuff floating about in the ethers and if you listen very closely to your inner senses, you may become aware and find you can transcend from your corporal form into the energy of the eternal infinity and skip all these awkward and embarrassing times in these bodies... or you could just off yourself, but i would hope you'd never become that afraid of life...

oh, serious we've become, a bit...

narf...