so sad to watch death take a life

he's got his mother's heart, so wanting to please, so wanting to love and be loved, so afraid of hurting or offending or upsetting anyone... i wonder if he knows he is dying... he's lived about fifteen years and the last four with kidney stones and the last few with gradually diminished hearing and sight and aches and pains from arthritis and a heart murmur, but until the past six months he was still bouncing around like a puppy more than half the time... now, it's a rare moment when he bounces and he has accidents just struggling to stand up... the last few weeks he's not made it to the grass about half the time and the last week or two he's not made it to the front door... all the signs of kidney failure, alas, and even through eyes clouded by thickening cataracts he stares longingly for more attention, for more love, and of course, for more treats... even when he is not hungry, treats are love for him... he's drinking every drop of water we put out these days and it's passing through him as fast as he can lap it up... again, signs of kidneys not concentrating the urine and ultimately, kidney failure and more...

the house smells of urine as he is having accidents while we are away that we are not finding... but it's his eyes that hurt the most... the confusion beams out of them as his body fails to do what his mind wants it to do... no longer does he bounce up when we walk in, in fact, in the past week he just lays there staring much of the time... we take him to the vet tomorrow and i am holding my breath because jackson is so very fragile when it comes to any mention or though of death... and this is her son of fifteen plus years, her four-legged son with the puppy-glow fading from his eyes... she's been through this once before with her first cat and it was so sad... so sad...

what to do, what to do... listen to the vet tomorrow... the vet that jackson went to school with even before she adopted her son... the vet who's known him all his life... we'll listen, we'll run whatever tests she recommends, and jackson will decide what to do... and i will be there supporting her...