actually, just one night

regarding the summer vacation, actually, it was just one night indulging my old love of baseball statistics and affinity for waking as midnight approaches which is starting to happen more and more often as i enter the second phase of the latest chapter in my professional career... chapter six, phase two?... the second phase is the plateau when the initial excitement of the new challenge and euphoria of the power trip and the dream of saving the world (or at least the perfect boss) falls back into reality (the dream is over, ya know?) and the challenge of imperfections and the dissatisfaction of subordinates as they rise above their reverence and fears in the power struggle of egos in organizations takes it's natural course (are we bored yet?)...

so anyway, i'm reaching for other challenges for my mind and releasing the workaholic from the commitment of taking care of business (and everyone under me) 24/7 so the brain can have more fun than the proverbial barrel of monkeys, what?...

it's really so much fun, as long as i don't die...

narf :)

an old love of stats

i have several editions of the baseball encyclopedia and i am not sure either of those linked a moment ago are the definitive book i own, but from way way back when i was just a teeny weeny hand held calculator i was in love with statistics and baseball provided so many wonderful ways to use the many numbers recorded over the years and many times i created my all-time baseball team and ooops, i did it again... this time i went down to the fifteenth team (twenty though the last five have a few missing pieces), forty starting pitchers and thirty relief pitchers... yeah, the team of the gods, or something like that... in any case, here are the first, second, and third all-time teams based on memory and stats (about fifty-fifty, though memory of stats makes stats more influential, i mean, without going into the algorithms and other mental constructs that went into the selection process... you really must be a numerophile to get my brain)...

C 1B 2B 3B SS LF CF RF P RP DH PR

First Team Bill Dickey Lou Gehrig Rogers Hornsby Pie Traynor Honus Wagner Ted Williams Ty Cobb Babe Ruth Christy Mathewson Mariana Rivera Hank Aaron Vince Coleman

C 1B 2B 3B SS LF CF RF P RP DH PR

Second Team Mickey Cochrane Jimmy Foxx Nap Lajoie Wade Boggs Derek Jeter Stan Musial Willie Mays Hank Aaron Walter Johnson Bob Wagner Joe DiMaggio Willie Wilson

C 1B 2B 3B SS LF CF RF P RP DH PR

Third Team Yogi Berra Hank Greenberg Eddie Collins George Brett Nomar Garciaparra Barry Bonds Joe DiMaggio Willie Keeler Rube Waddell J Papelbon Tris Speaker T Brown

yes, even provided a DH if we so choose to have one and and Pinch Runner because they are quite valuable, after all... and granted, i did not take fielding into account nearly as much as i would if i was going for 100% accuracy in optimal statistical validation of the rankings of each position, but based on about 80% batting and running stats (and 90% pitching stats), this is the dream teams of all dream teams in us baseball for all-time (until now, at least)... there is so much room for discussion, of course... and if you are wondering about the next seventeen teams, well, here are the next five...

C 1B 2B 3B SS LF CF RF P RP DH PR

4th Team Mike Piazza Albert Pujols Pete Rose Brooks Robinson Cal Ripkin Ed Delahanty Tris Speaker Mickey Mantle A Joss Trevor Hoffman Billy Hamilton T Brown

5th Team Ted Simmons Frank Thomas Charlie Gehringer Alex Rodriguez J Cronin Manny Ramirez Billy Hamilton Roberto Clemente Ed Walsh R Hernandez Cap Anson Ozzie Nixon

6th Team Ivan Hernandez Cap Anson Frankie Frisch Mike Schmidt J Sewell Al Simmons Ed Averill Frank Robinson Ed Plank T Henke George Sisler D Hoy

7th Team Joe Torre George Sisler Robinson Cano Clipper Jones Luke Appling J Medwick Mickey Mantle Paul Waner Sandy Koufax Joe Nathan Dony Gwynn H Duffy

C 1B 2B 3B SS LF CF RF P RP DH PR

8th Team Johnny Bench Billy Terry Joe Morgan David Wright G Davis Goose Goslin Duke Snider Tony Gwynn Grover Alexander Rollie Fingers Eddie Mathews B Butler

9th Team G Harnett Eddie Collins C Childs Eddie Mathews Robin Yount Willie Stargell Ken Griffey Mel Ott Cy Young Hoyt Wilhelm Rod Carew Ceasar Cedeno

10th Team Eddie Lombardi Rod Carew Chase Utley A Ramirez Miguel Tejada Ricky Henderson G Van Haltren Babe Herman Nolan Ryan J Franco Miguel Cabrerra P Donovan

11th Team Carlton Fisk Miguel Cabrerra Roberto Alomar Greg Nettles Joe Cronin Carl Yaztremski Kirby Puckett Vlad Guerrero Randy Johnson R Nen Harmon Killabrew Ichiro Suzuki

oh, you didn't ask for the 8th through 11th teams?... well, never mind then...

of course there is so much room for debate we could spend years discussing the justifications and validities and statistical anamolies and so much more, i mean, if anyone was that into numbers and stats, that is...

anyway, that's how i spent my summer vacation, how about you?...

narf :)

no time for sleeping

not to be a reference to no time for sargeants, but the cadence fits, so accept what you will and understand all you can for curing the missing links is up to you, unless, of course, i tell you...

much fill in catch up and such later... but now, sleep...

narf :)

and there is softball

one team plays to win most of the time and we enjoy the game... another team doesn't show up for practices or games regularly and too often gets a ridiculous beat down by other teams that want to flex their muscles against weak competition as if that proves they are better than they are, but most people are ego weak and delusion strong, after all... so many frustrations come from simply being taken advantage of and lack of respect because i am a nice guy who is loyal to a coach and a team even when i am dumped on without justification... like when i have the best batting average on the team most seasons and still am near last in the batting order with nearly automatic outs before and/or after me simply because the others have egos too fragile to handle batting low in the batter order... and even subs who can't play are put at the top of the lineup which makes no sense when the point of the summer league is to give our team more playing time... but when two players from the actual team show up and everyone else is a sub and i find myself batting eighth, i've got to wonder why i continue playing with that team...

so we won 20-8 one night and we lost 14-4 the next night... i was on a five game winning streak until the fiasco of nobody showing up and playing with very weak subs... and thanks to trusting the firday night coaches, i lost my friday night softball because they did not register the team in time and all the spots are taken for next season... obviously i bring it on myself by being so easy and casual and, alas, letting the body get older and slower so my choices are more limited... shhhh, it's just a phase, cha cha cha...

when will the wake up return... shhhh, age is just a number... and cliches are free...

sigh :)

song sung blue, rainbows too

imagination is the last sanctuary for intelligence in a mindless world... and lonely is the open mind in the forest of fear... song sung blue, aye?... humans live in that forest grasping at straws, and gods... well, what if god was a monkey, aye?... suddenly gives us a whole new different image to be made in, but let's not be ridiculous, god is in everything, energy of life, life beyond anything we see in our tiny prejudiced minds... and then she opened her legs and farted life into the ethers... and it was good...

you may have noticed some linkage in the last few entries or more... so much reading, so much knowledge, so many photos, so much collage, so much juice, juicy juice...

and rainbows too...

narf :)

mindless sex, or something like that

the young hollywood awards are so sad and empty, but at least there was the seriously adorable vanessa to look at for a moment, who pretty much sums it up with a vacuously cute beauty (ah, if she only had a brain, i'd be in love... but the hottie merely inspires lust and a few lines now and then, unlike mila or milla, for that matter), but sadder still is that i've been watching tv something like five nights a week, a whole lot more than i usually watch, and not just the dvr'ed stuff, but mindless drivel like these awards where the person with the most depth appears to be justin beiber... no, i am not joking... he's given more than two hundred make-a-wish kids their wish (which was to meet him, but even as easy as that is, he's way ahead of anybody else, especially his peers... the kid still has some serious faux-rebel issues, way beyond avril livigne ever went, but whatever, like, i mean, whatever, you know?)... yeah, the mind empties watching celebrity ego masturbation... and that's the way most people like it...

might as well be watching alien encounters 3... so much fear, hut, so much emptiness, hup, so much fragile superficial ego, huff, so much self-destruction, hup, so much stupidity, huff, so much humanity, hut... pretentious chimps, huff, literate apes, hup, creative orangutangs, hut, self-destructive ants, hup, sexually repressed monkeys, huff, sad bonobos, hut, insatiable viruses, hup... imbeciles, huff, idiots, hup, morons, huff, mobile mushrooms, hut, judgmental pigeons, hup, egocentric jokes, hut...

wut?... don't let it get you down, ya know?...

narf :)

fruit didn't ask

did i mention i've been watching a lot of mindless sex?... i mean mindless tv?... yeah, the irreverence is trying to make a come back and it's only costs sleep and health and comfort and the all the fun of the fair as we wonder if the madness is really worth it... fruit didn't ask, so we didn't say... i mean, there was a time i might have sang i've no wish to be living sixty years on and in another breath dreaming someone will need me when i'm sixty four, ya know?... well, maybe ya do and maybe ya don't but the point is whatever we want to see is what we see unless we see reality... but who dares go there, right?... of course right... we're not fiddlers on the roof, after all...

i always get more energy after midnight... if must come from outer space or something... sex with aliens on ethereal planes... and then i get hungry...

what?... you want to know what's going on in (e)thereal life?... maybe next time...

narf :)

va do de o dome

yeah, as in under the dome... still waiting for the holy rollers to take over the plot, but then, with stephen king potentially influencing the story line, it may be better than the stereotypical good verses evil crap most stories become... there's a fair share of stupidity in the story already (gotta have the alcohol, macho morons, teenage kisses, and penis envy) and the biggest mystery for me is whether the tv producers force an ending that makes human sense or whether stephen king gets to write it and leave us all hanging like big jim, wondering wtf?... some of king's best stories ended in wtf?...

what's missing is the sex... if only stephen king met robert heinlein, wouldn't that be a freaky friday (you've got to know their works to get that... if you want to, that is)... yes, the show needs completely unnecessary innocent nudity or at least vanessa, mila, or milla nude of the couch... meg can join them... they can use my couch... heck, they don't even need to be on the show, they could just sit here and watch with me... nude, of course... heck, they don't even need the couch, i'll be the couch...

a lot of chocolate for dessert, naturally...

narf :)

blippity bloppity blah

or bloop, cuz it's not all blah even as fatigue and loneliness are trying their best not to be quelled by the munchies consumed tonight... missing chocolate though, definitely missing chocolate... the tv had ncis on for a while earlier and the last few hours criminal minds has been on in the background...

sleepy maybe, continue tomorrow?...

narf :)

sometimes a fantasy

while billy joel reflected on how sometimes a fantasy is all we need, sometimes a fantasy is so fleeting we didn't ven know we needed it... and so it goes when a face leaps out in a few seconds to wake up a deeply sleeping part of me that says, more please like a kid with a sweet tooth in a candy store... sometimes it's the smile, usually just a certain fleeting momentary smile... and eyes, eyes do it too... and sometimes after i find the person who was a few second soundbyte on some tv show i laugh at the way a single facial expression can seduce me even when the person herself is not as attractive to me beyond that fleeting expression... i suppose fleeting has something to do with it, after all, i've said it enough... fleeting, that is...

so anyway, like so many before her, today we immortalize self-proclaimed one and only wild sex girl everybody wanted in their biology class, doctor carin bondar who said a few words in some odd mockumentary about aliens and a quantum computer and i had to look her up only to find out she's not the giggly school girl she appeared to be in that fleeting moment, but rather she is a mom of four and like most people, settled into a fairly normal life (of course that might be an assumption on my part)... another cute science geek (she's fascinated by the diversity of sexuality in the animal kingdom... if she was not a doctor of evolutionary biology {or something like that}, she'd probably be considered quite odd, sick even, but it's amusing to be being an open minded free thinking individual who mocks the small minds of the masses of humanity, but that's besides the point) doing soundbytes on tv... and another one bites the dust... someday that fleeting moment will come and the girl will be single and perfect for me and while some may say that's a fairy tale, that's my story and i'm sticking to it...

i'd still like to meet and chat with her just to see her smile and look into her eyes to see who she is, so maybe she will call now that i made her famous and all...

nyuk nyuk :)

more chess, less sleep

and so it goes when it comes to my addictive personality... a game comes along now and then and i just can't get enough and i play and play again and again on into the night and don't sleep and skip work and all sorts of addictive behavior type stuff... and some games come back to do it again and again after long pauses... ncaa football did that for a while... and spades... and other games over the years... and chess has been a repeat offender in this life since i was in a littler body and it's back again and sleep loses and yet, no pains and i have more energy than ever cuz that's what happens when the mind is stimulated enough to have all the addition chemicals pouring out of the brain...

heck, even blogging took a back seat this week as i catch-up a bit now...

anybody understand?...

narf :)

and so i played chess

turned on the tv, but didn't watch... kept it on mute and meant to turn it off, but put the remote down out of reach and sat back with the electronic chess program and played and played... no loses, a few draws, a few dozen wins... the game has ten levels and when i want to win i play levels one through four... when o want competition i play higher levels... i am 2-1 on level ten, so it's a decent game but not nearly the stuff of grand masters...

so with just about four hours to go before the alarm rings, i just might close these eyes and sleep...

nite nite, love you :)

waiting up

ready for sleep, eyes closing and head heavy and sitting up trying to write but nothing happens cuz the brain is ready for sleep but the always want to share part of this brain and even more the always want to care part of this brain (that i loosely call mine) waits up for jackson cuz we both want someone to say good night to or in our vernacular, nite nite love you so i push the sleep away and watch some tv, alien encounters 3 (wonder what 1 and 2 were like and is this the real thing or is this fantasy i mean, science fiction seems to blend with an attempt at making it seem real, but anyway, it's still the same old story, song, and la dee dah...

and a good thing too cuz jackson was hurting when she got home cuz a very long time friend who was a lover tore her up with very hurtful words and a cold dismissive fuck of and die (in so many words)... sad when people shut down and disappear inside themselves...

so tears, hugs, and processing... and then, sleep?... nope...

narf :)

this was meant to be here yesterday

and it's still not here today... so tune in tomorrow and it may appear... entry, that is... swimming pools... movie stars...

yeah, it was a good day at work and a lot got done, but tired tired tired... paperwork, much paperwork... and some playing with the clients... and some chatting with the staff... and some managing and scheduling and juggling lots of balls...

sleeping in loops

yeah, frustrated by the game and much more frustrated by jackson's not understanding my frustration and because she is so afraid of frustration that she perceives as anger (even when it's not), so afraid that she defends the person or people frustrating me therein invalidating my feeling of frustration and even defending the one who frustrates me which then that angers me and she reacts even more oppositional turning her anger on herself and that... sad... and there is nothing left to do but shut down and go to sleep or expend a whole lot of energy holding her back from hurting herself after forcing her to face what she is doing and it is on the border between right and wrong sometimes so sometimes i just go to sleep which leads her even deeper into projecting her fear and anger and taking it out on herself...

so i woke around 2am to find her texts and note and it was not good, not good at all, bad, even, but rather than wake her which would not be good tomorrow, i watched tv for a couple of hours and fell back to sleep but definitely did not sleep enough so coffee ahead... sigh... we talked a bit, hugged, reassured, and it's off to work...

i wish i could help her out of her darkness...

i must be mad

telling jackson and the sunday afternoon team i would play with them this season, i must be mad... just one game and i remember the same annoyances that made it such a relief to stop playing sunday afternoons, especially in the summer... there is the rains, which rained out every game in the past two weeks... except tonight... but what is most annoying about this league is that it is the most expensive and offers the worst umpires and just one bad ump per game, mediocre fields, and a lot of bad sportsmanship (helped by alcohol on the field)... it's not a sofball players league, which is why a lot of macho morons go join because they can bully the poorly trained umps and intimidate other teams... and then there is the team... people who do not try and do not hustle and worst of all, people who are simply too lazy to bend over or play their position... a second base person who does not cover second base allows the other team to stretch any outfield single into an easy double... why come out to play softball if you don't really want to play the game by the simplest of fundamentals...

but i told jackson i would play the season and i love her, so i will... tonight was the championships game for the lower division for the previous season and we lost 11-10 even though the other team only should have had a few runs at most... i hit like crap, too long away without playing or going to the batting caages but worse, the back was aching making swinging very challenging... i did score once... and i pitched well and we would have won if not for so many errors and had someone playing second who just went to the bag after the balls was hit so the other team didn't automatically get doubles... the umpire paying attention to the game and being consistent would have helped as well...

sigh, i hope jackson can handle my frustration... and i hope i can put away my competitive drive and stop paying attention to what is happening around me without being too obvious...

narf...

oh what a bootiful morning

out at the hilton pool, the eye candy was sweet even for the brief time we were there... and having half the pool at the deep end to myself for a half hour, that was even better... watching the waverunners and other boaters on the lake next door, watching the palm trees just above the roof wave as i floated on my back... yeah, that's a great morning after a great concert night... the only thing missing was a really special dinner at a really special place but we didn't know if any place was open after midnight so we settled for applebees... the morning, however, was friendly's for jackson's all-time favorite childhood sundae... my double hot fudge with forbidden chocolate, chocolate chip cookie dough, and purely pistachio and oh so yumminess... that was after a wonderfully relaxing late morning sun bath and float in the pool... alas, all good things come to an end and we've got to head back for a softball game in the evening... it has definitely been one of the better weekends we've had in a while (it's been a rough year), special cuz i get away so rarely...

really aught to do this again before the dallas trip in september, but probably won't... we will see motley crew in august in tampa, but will be driving home after cuz helen will be along... actually, that one was helen's idea... and it's a lot closer... and we should be frugal... but we'll have fun fun fun :)

time for the road...

narf :)

matthews under the stars

dave matthews, that is... and the stars were over west palm beach florida, to be more or less precise... the cruzan ampitheatre is a fun place to watch a concert from the lawn if (and it is a very big if) you get there early enough to walk in as soon as the gates open (about 2-2.5 hours before the concert start time) and head straight to the lawn to set up your chairs... we had vip seating without paying for it by being one of the first in and going to the family fun zone (no smoking, no drinking, just right for me) and we parked right behind a blanket with a couple of young kids on it who were in the first row on the center isle end which gave us even more leg room and side room than anybody right up front... behind us people were crammed in but the family fun zone respected kids so nobody was cramming... yeah, not up front, but big screens helped show close ups and the fresh air and sky was wonderful and the light show made the seats perfect cuz further up the full light show would have been lost above and behind us... yup, great spot... and $38 a ticket made it even better...


but it was the music and people and lights and great outdoors and stars and beach balls bouncing around and music, yeah, music... live music...

oh, and a road trip... and now, a comfy hilton bed... yup, great weekend :)

and what if we die?

no matter how intelligent a conversation seems, no matter how far out on the fringe or beyond an intellectual exploration goes, the ultimately limit and turn-around for the human race at this point in time is always and what if we die?... sitting and listening to morgan freeman talk about the infinite possibilities of the universe in through the wormhole i am enjoying the wonder of infinite possibilities he just has to ask, but what if a dark matter object was on a collision course with our planet... as if the whole premise just before that, of how entire galaxies clusters can collide and space is so vast that galaxies pass right through without touching each other and yet, the human ego is so stupid and fear of death so profound, the question must come down to, but what if dark matter came to get us... paranoia is the harbor of the small human mind...

so the choco-chip granola bars were not enough and now i reach for pretzels... and the belly expands and adds even more pressure on the spine... being an old man who can't move around well will not be a good thing on the lawn at tomorrow night's concert, ya know?... and it really is pathetic that i am stretching the whining and munching self-indulgence this far just to have something to babble on about just to leave an entry here just to prove i am still here and somehow, still want to share... even as i nonchalantly act naturally and casually appear as though in am relatively ambivalent and quite content alone in this world, long leaving behind the agony of loneliness that used to dominate my writings and not replacing it with the melancholy of depression like is the usual human folly that i tried and found to be lacking in the diversity required by the mind i inhabit... there is something to be said for self-amusement, aye?...

and did i mention the diluted skim milk with a bit of stevia and a packet of nestles hot chocolate mix over ice?... yes, well, there's always the lucy fantasy, and i don't mean ricky ricardo's lucy, nor charlie browns, for that matter... the hfc commercial helped salivation continue, by the way... but then, sports center came on and sure enough the verbal masturbation to lebron continues as if they truly can't get enough of saying his name... nauseatingly repetitive, like a song played too often, no matter how good it is, it sucks to hear it after a while... but i chose not to watch you've got mail and city of angels because i wanted to get some sleep... the mouth did not cooperate... maybe i'm afraid to lay down on the too soft couch and my head isn't falling over enough to fall asleep in the recliner... so jimmy fallon says nick thune is very entertaining... he's got a banter, a style, and doing pot jokes (throw back) mixed with my wife hates me jokes, but the beard is out of place with his staccato... he didn't tie it up though and he stumbled a bit, bit someday... happiness just woke, begging again, time for sleep... maybe i don't sleep because i don't want to kmiss a thing, i mean, the one might show up right?... or maybe it's cuz there is a voice somewhere rattling around in my back or front or side of head saying something like, but what if we die?... yeah, sleep...

we can try, ya know?...

narf :)

not as happy as i wanna be

of course that is my choice, so wanna is relative, but then, that is beyond the scope of human understanding at this point in time, unless you've evolved, and that, my dear readers, is a very small audience... of course for all we know, that can be little more than an egocentric delusion, but then, what is life anyway if not something like that, aye?... there is a frustration about though, an underlying grumble of dissatisfaction with time and space, there no being enough of either to suit my appetities or desires or, dare i say it, needs... as if there was such a thing (another usually misunderstood concept, diaphragm, even, until the next huge wave of enlightenment that was sadly missed in the last leap back in the nineteen sixties), but then, summer only happens when it's raining and sayings only happen when we're saying... just saying, ya know?...

the back tightened up today and there is a hugely busy weekend of driving many hours and sitting on the grass watching a concert and the back really does not want that... long drive doesn't help either, but that's tomorrow and maybe by then the back will be fine... especially if i actually get a little sleep... but the bed or the recliner, which would be better for the back, i sort of semi-wonder... whenever, it's all in the mind... just proving nobody really cares again, another lost concept on the human race...

hungry too... but it's late and the extra weight on the belly will not help the back but, who cares, right?... ah, not i'm getting to the amusement of self-mockery and mish-mosh wah wah silliness... and you thought it was all some depressive episode, eh?... what's that they say, we've all got our crosses to bear, or something like that...

lol, lam, laa...

narf :)

machines keep me company

and there is seldom a human on the other end which may be sad, or it may just be adapting to the changing culture where pretend is pass on for the reality of self-stimulation... that may be the biggest draw of the internet, as unreal as it can be,it can be more real than real life as it is dependent on just one choice and not dependant on a mutual or group decision to be real... i choose to be real much of the time i spend with the machines... maybe someday the machines will appreciate that as i took them seriously before they even had consciousness, but i don't do it for the machines or anyone (except maybe the one and wouldn't it be oddly amusing and potentially ironic if my the one was a machine?... enough idle chatter, where is this entry going, anyway?), i do it for me... the machines keep me company, they keep me amused, they don't get pretentious, they're seldom confused, they're very consistent, when software is clear, so this here machine is my man of the year...

yeah, so anyway, before i get carried away (oh, are we punning?... or just joshing?), i just want to thank the machine on my lap for providing as many games of chess as id like tonight... and thanks for the ruzzle earlier...

it's a wonderful life :)

speaking of time travels

the past is never completely gone as long as memory survives... and realizing that it was three years since i last dropped an entry into the public site daily blogs (then called diaries) that actually became a daily blog on the web... other prior blogs took different paths, shorter, darker, deeper, and the original online daily was lost when it's servers deleted it and while pieces still exist, it is disorganized and not simple to navigate, which defeats the purpose of a chronological daily blog... many of the entries from that first online blog (a journal it was called then) as in text files and someday i just may get them back online, but for now, no time for that... so memories keep them alive, the entries marking my re-entry into the world... anyway, last night i babbled again in the old style, sort of, and then i slept and woke way too early and worked and should be asleep right now because i need to get to work seriously early and get clear brained work done so i am gonna stop the potential babbling this might have been until next time, whenever that is... hey, i could have linked the pornolizer, after all...

narf :)

times travels on the net (sort of)

if we wandered back in time through the many places i've wandered and those places in which i've recorded all those wanderings (to link a few... and the surprise susprise miment was that i had actually left a half dozen old diaries out of the table of contents {of sorts} which is amusing, even if it is mostly beside the point), we would find that the previous (and alleged) part one was actually part several thousand as i've been imagining strangers as friends for a long long time (did you miss my letters to stevie nicks some few decades ago?... i even mailed them... see, it's not just unknown strangers on the internet who get immortalized in babbling (or is that stalked?... shhhh, we're all good friends now, aren't we... nyuk nyuk nod nod wink wink and all that jazz... now now, be nice... we wouldn't want the poor boy to go ahead and get all cellophane on us, now would we?)...

yeah, so anyway, browsing the internet could produce dozens of entries a day (and it has in the past, after all), but who has time for the browsing, not less the babbling the browsing can inspire (not me lately, what with work and softball and more work and the occasional party... heck, there used to be a card game and a party every week, or more, until i started this new job last year and there's just no time for much else... but softball has been rained out every night for a week and a half so i have had more time and last night, obviusly, or yesterday, even, the browsing and babbling (see prior posts and the linkage therein?) began again a bit and unless i wisely take a nap today before the championship game, i may just babble a bittle today too... babble a bittle?... well sure, i don't mind if i do... do you?... well, speak up, we don't have all day after all, there's a championship game to be played ya know...

so this is not part two... this is more like the hundred ninety seventh prologue, at least... don't look now, but prequels have been happening around here long before georgie boy made them epic... not before asimov though, i mean, whadaya think i am, ancient or something?... immortal, maybe, but not ancient... heck, i'm not even an antique... living, loving, feeling alright...

narf :)

and the dog stares

he pooped twice today and i took him out in spite of the rain to pee just fifteen minutes ago, but he's laying at my feet begging to go outside again... jackson things it's his instinct searching for a place to dig a hole and die in, but he doesn't dig when he's outside... he does sniff like crazy, but then, he's always been a hard sniffer... his begging can be really annoying when i notice it and i do not like shutting down my senses enough not to notice it so i turn up the tv or music so i can't hear his scratching and whimpering and turn off all the lights so i can try to avoid is rolling around and running upside down in an attempt to scratch his back and i type, but being this sort of avoiding is annoying i am just compounding the annoyingness of the situation so i hope jackson comes home soon so maybe she'll distract him from his constant staring at me...

he did stop for a while while jackson was sitting here, but the moment jackson went to bed he is right in front of me staring, scratching, rolling, and repeating the cycle with mostly staring... if i was paranoid or somewhat high strung, he'd be driving me quite crazy... luckily i am just merely slightly annoyed mostly because i am distracted and would rather be writing... so he gets ignored and goes into the bedroom and a few minutes later he comes back out to stand staring at me, then he sits staring at men, then her rolls on his back and runs upside down, then he lays there staring at me, whimpers, then he scratches some more, whimpers some more, then heads back to the bedroom only to be back out a few minutes later to repeat the process... sometimes he gets tired enough to go to the patio doors (where his bed is usually kept except that recently because he sailed his other bed he only has one bed and jackson takes that into the bedroom) and looks outside... every second trip or so he sniffs the carpet inch by inch where we sit and eat hoping to find some crumbs... he's the incredible itching, starving, aching, begging aging puppy dog... did i mention staring?...

i hug him and he rests a few, wanders back into the bedroom, and starts all over again...

sigh...

can irony be painful?

maybe, but then, irony is so misdiagnosed (or perhaps i mean misdefined, but then, definitions can be so arbitrary, or in error, perhaps), it could be something else entirely... in any case, a long long time ago i started a blogger account here to be able to leave non-anonymous comments on blogs i read here and lately the cookie monster or some such related internet gremlin is not allowing me to leave comments... i mean, the comment boxes open, but i am not recognized as who i am and after typing my comment and hitting the publish button, the comment is lost somewhere in that behind the scenes part of the internet i sometimes loosely call the ethers... it's so sad, really, comments just don't happen anymore... it's probably some conspiracy theory of monumental proportion that google cooked up to get me cuz, you know, you don't have to be paranoid for them to be out to get you... anyway, the sadness of not being able to leave comments is almost painful... what's that?... delete all cookies from the browser and re-enter all the data on all the sites all over again?... that's even more painful just to think about...

is that irony or what?...

probably what...

narf :}

familiar strangers (part one)

so this one just feels familiar... or maybe she looks familiar... her bio reads:

"Me" is a hopelessly flawed and fickle beast. I detest schedules and lists but I need them in order to survive. Humor is underrated, I get car sick if I don't drive, I love pineapples and my sisters. I'm terrified of the ocean, but I HAVE TO live close to some kind of body of water. I'm a good friend, I read the lyrics to songs before I listen to them, I believe in Karma, I like Jeopardy because I like knowing what I don't know.

and the description og her blog, which has no entries but has been around since 2007, is "better to write for yourself and have no public than to write for the public and have no self" which is cyril connolly, one of the classic cynics of the past century who sums it all up with "Beneath this mask of selfish tranquility nothing exists except bitterness and boredom. I am one of those whom suffering has made empty and frivolous: each night in my dreams I pull the scab off a wound; each day, vacuous and habit ridden, I let it reform." in his The Unquiet Grave: A Word Cycle by Palinurus... but he is not all fun and games as he writes some profound stuff like "We must select the illusion which appeals to our temperament, and embrace it with passion." and "when I read science I turn magical; when I study magic, scientific.” ever so clever truths that express my own perspective rather well, but even more deeply woven into my psyche than that is, from the same work (The Unquiet Grave: A Word Cycle by Palinurus), the simple truth of my own addiction to writing in "...art is made by the alone for the alone… The reward of art is not fame or success but intoxication..."...

so i want to communicate with this one, but alas, she leaves no means of contact as she lives up to the name of her postless blog, which is hiding in public... alas, bloggers can be so very disappointing... take this wife (please?... ok, so channeling rodney dangerfield for amusement because there is no contact out there might be rude, but then, rudeness is the excuse of those without a sense of humor, so as emily litella used to say, nevermind)... and so i randomly clicked on the links on her page and found myself commenting on this post in regard to the metaphoric puddles forming around the writer's "leaky head" (which is the name of her blog) that maybe they are your moat...


part one... part two may or may not follow, depending on my mood tomorrow...

narf :)

remembering games (and game nights)

it has been a couple of months, at least, since i was at one of the game parties my friends throw and tonight i finally enjoyed one again... there was a big cheer welcoming as i walked in the door, quite good ego food... i must be special as several remarked about it as something nobody else gets... it was at curly's so i had to adjust to the neurosis that comes with him as he lives to please others and runs around serving food and forcing plates in from of people all night (and while i was not happy to have him make me a plate of leftovers because i got there late, mostly because i don't like anyone pulling food out of trays and serving me when i don't see where the food came from and don't know who did the cooking and more than anything else, i can't choose what i want for myself)... but i ate anyway because he would be quite upset if i didn't... he didn't bother asking me if i was hungry or what i wanted, he just piled a plate high, way too much food, and forced it on me... that's just him, begging to please... so i praised and appreciated and he knows he is loved, but i wish he would just relax a bit...

after the forced feeding, i sat with friends and caught up a bit and played games... i watched a large group playing time's up and then was called into the other room to play spades, which is my favorite card game and the better players like to play with and against me because i usually win and they like the challenge and really enjoy the few times they beat me... it's that way for me with most games and always has been... they won't play ruzzle with me because i have too high an average score... at least i find people who can beat me online for ruzzle... spades i seldom find anybody anywhere who can challenge me with any consistency... so i won three games of spades with different partners and won a game of 500 rummy as well and my partners were very happy and our opponents thank me for the challenge and ego basks in the glory and the rest of me laughs at ego and sighs at games where everything comes way too easy much of the time...

happiness is still scratching like a mad dog, poor thing... and i definitely should be sleeping, but as usual, the game night has me wired... chocolates didn't help, especially since it's been well over a week since i had any... the neck is telling me to lay down and rest... but the brain is demanding more stimulation so i write...

hope your night is smiling too :)

scratching himself crazy (while i was away)

the dog, that is... while i was away tonight (never mind the time stamp, i am still out playing at that particular time, but there's another entry for later so just ignore it, ok?) he drew blood again and he is once again keeping me awake scratching himself raw and he does hear well enough to be stopped with a quiet growl so it takes a bright light in his face or getting up to stop him to keep him from drawing blood and when no one is around, the carpet runs red... when i am sleeping his licking sounds and whimpering wakes me sometimes and i can stop him, but the loss of sleep is not a good thing for me... sad to say that in many ways (especially financially) it will be a relief when he is gone, but we don't really want to seriously imagine not having him around... it's kind of a numb feeling when we silently think it... fifteen years is a long time to be part of the family, even if he is just a dog... just a dog, what a silly phrase... probably why i used it... i wish he found more peace in this life...

this was written later, but posted earlier, just cuz time is relative and i can do that... it;'s well past 3am at the moment... i've got a very early morning softball practice to get to in a few hours so i really ought to be sleeping... but here we are... and you?...

narf :)

later in the day

turning on the tv, i find espn blaring on and on about lebron so i switch to other stuff and eventually find the world cup and that leads to this cuz i just find it challenging to believe the choices people make about what is important and what is ignored especially when they supposedly believe in love and a god that is all about goodness and kindness... the awareness of living in love and waking rested leads me to feeling more beyond the moment, beyond the poor old puppy and the aging bloat of this body and the tv and life around here and i feel the pain all over this world... love lets me do that without getting depressed because it is not about me and depression, really, is such a selfish way to be... perspective is everything, after all...

so i'm gonna head out to play games with friends now...

narf...

the dog says no

woke in a wonderful place, a wonderful almost magical head-space, but happiness said no... he laid at my feet staring begging for attention, begging for food, or most likely, begging to go outside... he always wants to be outside... and that was after i took him outside for a quick pee... jackson's note said he pooped this morning, but he's still begging harder than usual so i got up and walked and now, the magic is gone... those moods are fleeting... and he just wanted to go outside, no poop (of course, he pooped just five hours ago and peed less than an hour ago) and so it will be a day of staring and begging and panting and unless i growl at him and make him feel bad and in turn make me feel bad, it's annoying and will continue until i want to feel bad...

we shall see if alternatives work today... i played with him as much as he can play these days (poor old puppy) and then sometimes if i ignore his begging he gets tired of sitting at my feet (he's old, no position is comfortable for long anymore, especially not sitting or standing) and lays down on his bed... if he does that and spends fifteen minutes on his bed i will give him a treat and if he feels satisfied and spends more time resting anywhere (and not begging) then i will give him another treat... if i remember later, i'll let you know how the day went... but the writing mood has passed, the dog said no...

as for me, i slept in almost good (still on the couch, if you remember that story and if you don't ask or backtrack a few hundred entries and if you have that much time, yay thank you and let's communicate more smiley grin) for the first time in many weeks and that felt good (and lead to the magical feeling and writing) and the plan is to relax and enjoy the day as i have a party tonight and an early softball practice tomorrow and a softball game in the afternoon that i believe is the sunday afternoon league championship game so i want to be rested so i hope not to stay out too late tonight and i hope to get a nap in tomorrow before the late afternoon game and to do all that, i start with a peaceful day today and will hopefully not have to feel bad to get the dog to cooperate... hopefully he will live up to his name today, right happiness? :)

narf :)

even when i do

forget that i live in love, that is... even when i forget, i still live there... it is home, safe, and where i am because it is everywhere... even when i soil my own nest, i live there... cleaning up is not always fun and sometimes not easy and sometimes, when soiling goes on a while, cleaning up can be quite the challenge but like a cloud, darkess, depression, negativity, and even pains (most especially emotional pains, physical pains can be a whole lot more challenging) can dissolved in an instant and that instant is remembering love is everywhere (zlways safe, always true... and exactly where it comes from is where its going to), yeah, talk about opening windows and doors and knowing (it's not really make-believe, it's illusion lol, even if you don't understand :)

or forget, even :)

man's best friend

you could have been putting yourself through this right here right here had i not decided it would go somewhere else, after pondering (or wandering) through the ideas of putting it in a dozen other blogs, but it was not meaningful enough for anything other than the background tv that it was... so instead, here we are making the ever so casual reference to it as if nonchalance disguises the egomaniac hunger for attention that putting more than a hundred different blogs on the internet kind of suggests, subtly of course... and happiness comes out and stares as if all i've got to do is take care of him, which is, sadly, all i've got to do being all alone in the world in the wee hours when life gets real... these dang wee hours, ya know?...

there's a certain kind of madness comes from loneliness that
only making love can drive away, even cure
while so many call it badness out of fear, not fact
in fact it is the greatest thing in life, nothing's more

don't die of loneliness
but do be wise
it is worse to die
of compromise
so many just survive
closing their eyes
pretending they love
while their heart cries

and that's all i've got to say tonight... remember when i use to rhyme and rhyme and rhyme for hours and hours and hours in blog after blog after blog?... yeah, some of them are still out there, even if the roots never were cuz they were never typed into an internet connection and remain in storage near niagara falls for almost two decades now at $140 a month, but that's beside the point... i had so many dreams they came pouring out into so many thousands of rhymes, thousands of words a night for many years... tens of thousands and then some... if anyone ever finds them, i wonder what might be read... or said... will i be dead?... i wonder if i will ever know...

enter happiness... at least someone is listening to the silence with me...

aye? :)

stop the blather

it can be, you see, for all we need to do is decide to open, you know, open all the shutters on your windows... unlock all the locks upon your doors... brush away the cobwebs from your day-dreams... no secrets come between us anymore... oh, say it's true, only love can see you through... you know what love can do to you... yeah, well, i know what love can do to me... peace... happiness... perfection... and i live in love, even when i pretend to forget that... don't let it get you down, it's only castles buring, really, you oughta know by now... it's not the end of the world as you know it, it is only love... only the best thing ever... and living in it, even alone, is the best way to be, the best place to be... and all i (or you or anyone) need(s) to do is remember to be here...

sometimes i do :)

narf :)

so much sadness

the washington post calls it the saddest graph you'll see today and it very well may be, though graphs about starving children are pretty sad too... the point is, i turned off my facebook account and stopped browsing the internet because it is too depressing... and yet, i don't want to live with my head in the sand because, as the old quasi-chinese saying goes, he who live with head in sand makes buttocks vunerable or the other one, he who lives with head in sand shows world shitty smile or even the other other one, he who lives with head in sand appears to world as asshole or he who lives with head in sand makes asshole smile at world, but we may be getting distracted with semantic games... it's potentially more depressing (not to mention dangerous) to stop looking and turn a blind eye (or back) on a very dangerous situation, or world, even...

and who cares, right?... well we all care, of course, it would be inhuman not to care... unfortunately it is very human not to do anything about it... caring is not a verb for most humans... and that may be the saddest fact of all...

how was your day?...

much gas tonight

but that's beside the point... ultimately, it's the brain that craves more stimulation than can be had within (even an infinite imagination gets hungry for some new meat... or greens... or curious, even... and sometimes i am curious yellow, ya falla?... fella?... ah, innocent love child sharing splendor in the grass with my freely sexual sweet swedish girlfriend, but parenthetic asides aside), the point is enjoying the minds of some others like mila or milla or craig in this world (or beyond this atmosphere) and even if they are only available on tv (or through other recorded media) at 2am or later (cuz who hasn't been wide awake at 4am without a soul in sight just hanging on the hope that the kids are alright, ya know), i simply do it (stay awake, stay awake, tonight, tonight, won't be like any night fever night fever yeah yeah yeah yeah) and i don't mean masturbate to eye candy, though that would be an olympic event for many we've never heard of (unlike the perennial hot dog eating contest winner), but all i want to do is have some fun and tonight i am hoping ingrid puts on a good sing or two... unfortunately it was one of her popier tunes and worse, the dvr screwed up and cut the song off and jumped to a segment of comedy or something like that with the usual double entendres... yes, brain food, that's why i give up sleep... and you know, kids wait up...

anyway, i didn't expect the mini-skirt, but who's complaining?...

narf :)

it makes no sense, maybe

this nocturnal cycle that calls me to want to sleep come late afternoon and most definitely after dinner (sugar low, sugar high, same effect?... maybe) but even after feeling so ready for sleep earlier, five or six hours later, coming on the midnight, and sleep is the last thing on my mind in spite of wanting to wake and be at work before sunrise... it has nothing to do with the new york city hot dog cart on the tv as david letterman yells at passers-by to pick up the trash (maybe he doesn't know it's called litter in nyc, silly mid-westerner... it's nyc, stuff on the street is litter, stuff in the cans is garbage, trash is anyone you don't respect, aye?)...

anyway, i stuffed myself this afternoon with whole wheat triskets and onion dip (special recipe including extra spices and whipped cream... shhhh don't tell) and a turkey burger which turned out hard and dry cuz there is water added, ridiculous, but the dip was sensational in spite of the healthy crackers and then jackson said she was treating to the local chinese buffet cuz she was starving and that was pretty good for a monday night and then we went to costco to do a massive shopping (i brought about $600 for food for us, which is another reason jackson treated for dinner) that was cut short because they closed so we have more to spend whenever we get back to shop again but that should just have me more tired since i woke about seventeen hours ago and had a very rough night last night with the neck pain and headache and tinnitus so i slept only about three hours and yet, here we are, me babbling and you doing whatever you are doing beside reading this...

halle berry just showed up to plug her new tv show extant so i will upload this now so you are not panicking about my near death experiences and profound depressive episodes and whatever else i've shared lately cuz i have been quite sad and while the rush of spending money and having some food in the house is nice, the budget will not be fun when i take a look at it whenever i do that...

all that food sure has produced a lot of gas though...

yeah, i know you just had to know that...

mmmmmmm, street vendor hot dogs...

narf :)

happier when babbling

yes, there are good odds that computer programs would agree, i am happier when i am babbling... babbling must release endorphin or some such chemical in the brain for me cuz a little babbling and i am happier and after hours of babbling i am in a state of euphoria seldom reached through any other means tried... now if only i had more time to babble and the neck was not such a pain in the babble, i would be much babblier and therein, much happier... the recent depressive moods have come during this time away from babble, so it is obvious scientific fact, i am happier babbling...

narf :}

psychobabble may just be another way to lose a mind

yes, that is what years of education and experience in the field of mental health and developmental disabilities has lead me to write tonight and for no apparent specific reason other than the accumulation (or is that the culmination) of an occasional love of psychobabbling and babbling in general along with being empathic perceptive sensitive and as aware of the collective consciousness and reality of the physical experience as anyone i've ever met and still feel dumb as a rock and lost in the wilderness of humanity seeking the one who is meant for me with all that perfect passion romantic love magic moment stuff because my primary motivation in life is to love someone and share everything and care for someone and that is why i give everything i can to those closest to me cuz at least that feels good while i am waiting for the one meant for me for all the mutual fall in love stuff comes along and that gets me into loops of euphoria and depression cuz people come and go and take and take and i am left looking for the one and someone to take care of as the years pass and the pool of potential the ones shrinks to sad old people who left what i am looking for behind a lot time ago because that's the norm and everybody wants to be normal except me and the one i hope to find but i may have sabotaged that long ago because i lost the one i thought was the one and decided to dedicate this life to finding out why humans give up the purity and perfection they knew as children and i still haven't found what i'm looking for and i may no longer think i will find it or her which is what leads to or comes from depressive thinking which is another way to give up control of life and lose a mind but i don't think my clockwork has gone orange just yet even though it could...

remember that the next time i psychobabble, m'ok?...

narf...

tired of being frustrated

not that being tired of being frustrated makes the circumstances that have me frustrated go away, but i could choose different perspectives including some avoidance techniques and distractions that allow me to focus much less on the circumstances that lead to frustration and focus much more on something that might amuse me even though i am also choosing depression which makes choosing anything positive more challenging and i am not quite tired of depression just yet so that makes it less likely that i will choose to be amused by anything which once again returns us to frustration and just plain old tired, aided by choosing depression, naturally...

this analysis was brought to you by a steamy hot shower and a throbbing left neck to temple, though the shower lifted the pains...

narf too...

sad

people write blogs like t h e s e (some may even be mine... i will leave it for you to figure that out for yourself it you want to if it matters, the point is the why, not the who... there is lots of tag for sad out there and even studies, even, if you have the time) when they are sad or depressed and one underlying theme is the feeling that nobody cares...

the real world

the internet is part of the real world, but it is too easy to make it more real than the physical world and i've been there before and am growing tired of the computer... i am tired of people in general, but i have isolated myself from people too much be enjoying the distractions of the internet and even with the very occasional visits i make to facebook and email, i find demands from people to be there more... guilt trips from people for not checking a page they made... even ultimatums from people if i do not go on facebook... so i deactivated my facebook account and i will let the chips fall where they may... i have a phone, the same number for about 15 years, so friends who want to reach me know how... people who care will find me here or on the phone...

that is the real world for me now...

the empathy

the world hurts, people hurts, nature is cruel, and i feel it all... the last few years i have the agony right in front of me as happiness find no comfort or peace in his body... the moaning, the scratching, the rolling, the upside-down running, the squirming because he get no relief from the incessant itching he endures... jackson says it's his breed... corgi-beagle mix... both breeds are known to have skin allergies... he is also bored out of his mind, being along and without any exercise or contact for 23 or more hours a day... we are both too busy... jackson gets home and has more work to do... same for me sometimes... other times i want to give myself some alone time, something i rarely get lately... happiness longs to be outdoors and social, but he rarely gets either... and his diet is hill's prescription kidney formula which has no meat, minimal fatty acids, and lots of grains... adding in aging and arthritis and joint pains and he has all the factors that can lead to skin allergies and itching in any dog, but especially in corgi-beagles...

i am not taking care of this body any better than i am caring for him these days... droopy depression sucks... the pains in this life are being absorbed and suffocating hope and motivation and energy and la la la... it's a phase, an immersion in the environment, part of the empathy i choose to experience in this life (maybe i have no choice, but my choice to immerse for a while is a choice)... though this body may not survive too many more such immersions...

i don't expect anyone to understand me... most do not see the choices we make as choices... that's why pharmaceutical companies are so rich... and the medical and psychiatric industries as well... the answers are inside... choices...

i just want to sleep now...

narf...

the aches

body aches, that is... the other aches are always around from the very first life abandonments and betrayals before the eyes came into focus, but tonight it is the physical aches... the neck, left side slightly rear, especially... fatigue, mostly... was asleep but woke when jackson got home and stayed up in case she needed some support... even as the energy wanes, i must send when i sense need... happiness is not doing well, agonizing over his skin allergies and struggling to scratch, but his body does not move as he would like and it is painful to watch... watching a dog age is so sad... i suppose the same can be said for watching a human age, for anyone watching...

oooo, do we have chills yet?...

narf...

about time may be too late

so last night it was different cuz i slept... and tonight, instead of sleeping i checked email cuz jackson said the sunday coach sent an email and feeling unfairly reprimanded, i found myself ranting in emails to jackson with nothing to say to the coach that would keep me on the team... so i ranted to jackson and in a private blog and ultimately, i don't know what i am doing about the coach's ultimatums or whether the bullshit is worth playing softball with them... they are not a team, never have been, and the coach finally expressed frustration that i've expressed to him for years... his mistake was expressing it to me as if i am part of the problem... insulting... disrespectful... and bullshit... so anyway, that is why i am still awake... frustrated, even angry, because i am tired of being used and disrespected... and now the dog is awake and staring and scratching and going bananas, so i would be awake if i did get to sleep earlier... how many ways can i spell frustration tonight... not counting...

chocolate trinity ice cream helped...

narf...

thirty or three hundred

entries, that is... in fact, the title refers to the apparent observation that it does not matter if there are thirty or three hundred entries a month, the song, or story, remains the same and you, dear readers, come and go as time permits... though i sense you would rather avoid these depressive moods and downbeat times i go through now and then, so i hope to be through this sour patch and see you visiting again... i hope you are ok and not too brought down by my blues, especially since there's almost no creativity or fun...

i don't taunt the spambots anymore, so when you are not here, there are no visits, which is psychologically sad, especially when i have no motivation for the illusions and creativity that life (at least in words) is all about... and yet i continue because, well, because...

someone somewhere may understand, someday...

until then, narf...

a little ruzzle

nothing is appealing to me these days... i go to work and deal, but i am not interested in doing anything... so i don't do anything interesting... i watch tv, but pay no attention to the people behind the screen... so i don't watch anything too well... i do play ruzzle, though not as much as i used to and i don't enjoy it much... so o don't play ruzzle well... life is like this today...

at least there is a little ruzzle...