sleeping in loops

yeah, frustrated by the game and much more frustrated by jackson's not understanding my frustration and because she is so afraid of frustration that she perceives as anger (even when it's not), so afraid that she defends the person or people frustrating me therein invalidating my feeling of frustration and even defending the one who frustrates me which then that angers me and she reacts even more oppositional turning her anger on herself and that... sad... and there is nothing left to do but shut down and go to sleep or expend a whole lot of energy holding her back from hurting herself after forcing her to face what she is doing and it is on the border between right and wrong sometimes so sometimes i just go to sleep which leads her even deeper into projecting her fear and anger and taking it out on herself...

so i woke around 2am to find her texts and note and it was not good, not good at all, bad, even, but rather than wake her which would not be good tomorrow, i watched tv for a couple of hours and fell back to sleep but definitely did not sleep enough so coffee ahead... sigh... we talked a bit, hugged, reassured, and it's off to work...

i wish i could help her out of her darkness...