ridiculousooooh!

yeah, she made a joke, it serves me right for keeping my shoes next to the couch upon which i've slept for months since they tore up the walls in my room and never adequately fixed them... you're welcome for the clean up... i think she forgot to say thank you... did i mention i was feeling under appreciated?... the big stain in the middle of the living room will be an unpleasant reminder... worse than all the other stains... so yeah, seriously, sometimes the giving i do feels quite ridiculous... perhaps because it is... perhaps not even perhaps... but it's still what i choose to do because it feels better than being selfish or insensitive or any other way and it is who i am and nobody is going to change me (and so many have tried, some even deliberately)... someday someone will surprise me by actualizing the sensitivity and generosity of self and the tears of joy will wash away all the years of living with humans...

yeah, i'm that special...

narf! :P

getting old or just tired

so i am eating and watching three different tv shows (baseball game, basketball game, and sportscenter) and giving happiness a hard cold shoulder because he pooped on the carpet and turned my comfy shoe over it to hide it which cost me a nicely broken in pair of shoes and cleaning the carpet on my knees for a half hour or more did not help my appetite or mood but i've got to eat even if i don't enjoy it and something comes to mind that i want to search for and so i reach for the computer and plug in the phone and find the phone not charging cuz the computer is in sleep or hibernation mode so i turn on the computer and wait for windows to resume and take another bite of my sandwich and when the laptop resumes i plug in the phone and open a browser window and have no idea what i was about to search for...

the carpet has yet another stain, the place stinks, the dog is in the dog house, and i am feeling under appreciated again...

distract me, please...

narf...

eating late, sleepless again

dual thoughts, dual tracks, duality rings two bells in my mind, and seriously, a cheerleader uniform is only sexy when a sexy cheerleader is wearing one, so people can be stupid, but mostly they are scared and then they get insensitive and cruel in a defensive self-destructive spiral... sometimes the fourth stanza clears everything up and ends on a positive note... i used to write songs all the time, now i hardly even rhyme, i used to breathe music and swim in a river of words... where are you?...

so sleepy so why don't i sleep... alone, perhaps, alone...

zzzzzzzzzz...

without sleep, performance fails

so i went one for three tonight and walked a couple i shouldn't have walked because i was tired... fell asleep just before the game and drank coffee to wake, but the reflexes and eye-hand coordination were not there... struck out two or three though, so even asleep i pitch ok, but we lost cuz this team needs me to hit cuz there are others who are almost automatic outs and the fielding is poor except for one outfielder who covers a lot of ground (he's the guy who asked me to join the team)... even when i am wide awake though, this is a field i don't like because it is too sandy and the batter's box is not flat... but no excuses, i was tired and out of synch... must sleep sunday nights if i am to play monday...

home was uncomfortable because i brought up money last night, but what else is new... someday everything will be better, meanwhile, enjoy what is...

narf :)

not sleeping much tonight

ok, i will not write the specifics out of respect for jackson's privacy but it is effecting my affect and sleep and life enough to become my reality and i will write about my reality to maintain my integrity and sanity... it is frustrating, draining, distracting, and definitely uncomfortable enough to raise the tension and stress energy and so, here we are, awake... i don't sleep away uncomfortable thoughts... i don't rest easy in denial or delusion... the only way to rest is to separate, to leave the person providing the frustration behind and sail on off into my life without them... i do not want to do that to jackson... she would not be in a good place if i did... yet, she denies it... as do most who live in denial or delusion, she pushes anyone who does not accept the denial or delusion away, no matter the risk...

sucks to be me tonight...

narf...

softball follies, human foibles

while i hit into the double play that ended the game, i did not make the dozen plus errors that gave up the 11 runs the other team got... not one earned run, just error after error on relatively softly hit balls... so we lose a game we not only should have won, but needed to win if we are to qualify for the world series... now the only way we can make it is of we win next week and another team loses... sad, nobody warms up, nobody cares, but they all feel down when they screw up... and then i was asked to fill in for the afternoon team that jackson went back to play with... that's frustrating because i left that team because she didn't want to play sunday afternoons anymore and i didn't want to play on that team without her, but she forgets that... she forgets a lot of things i do for her... anyway, we tied the team that won the championship last year even though we made a lot of errors... the more meaningfully sad thing for me is i sense jackson is forgetting some very important things like how much she depends on me and that is disturbing... it's disrespectful and leaves me feeling very foolish for helping her as much as i do... and frustrates me enough to write about it here which frustrates me even more... denial sucks...

not a good day...

and an old blog is new again

so seriously now, does the excitement really continue to build?... not that will make a classic title someday when i am in the right frame of mind and have the time to connect all or even some of the dots that question can link to, but for now, let's just say yes and get on with it, life, that is... yes, the people running myspace these days have sense... they allowed me to download my old blog and soon, coming to a blogspace near you, the old myspace blog will be uploaded... since my personal website has run out of space, i will either pay for more space (an extra hundred bucks a year or so) or i will cut and paste all the old myspace entries into a new blog (yes, i've lost count too)... it's so exciting i could almost fart... or sing myself to sleep in dreams, even... it's a good day when one of the written gardens is rediscovered... if only the vast gardens that att killed could be found again, life would be a bit more magical...

now now, let's rejoice in what we have and not mourn the loss of what is gone... everything old is new again, someday, somehow, somewhere...

narf :)

myspace saves itself

some time last year i went to myspace to check on my music mixes because the links to my music mixes were not working and i found they did a complete makeover to the site that included breaking all of the links to my music mixes and my blog and worse, they had none of my music mixes or blog or anything from my old profile on "my" myspace... they also decided to start posting my full name... idiots... after days of reading and searching their help pages, i found that i might be able to salvage my music mixes, but the they were not allowing access to the blogs... i left hating myspace and didn't revisit until today, close to a year later... and today i found, after a whole lot of searching around, that they might be allowing a download of the old blog... i clicked on the link that said 'ask for your old blog' and i now will wait as the page said it might take 72 hours for the transfer... meanwhile, i have been enjoying my music mixes, so there is that... give me back my blog and i might be sharing myspace links more often... and visiting, even... i still have, according to them, 5.6K friends there (right)...

love songs and other anomolies from ric candor on Myspace.

left off, left out, left overs...

not sure why both kids are out here with me tonight as this is jackson's first day back from her out of town vacation, but both curious and happiness were awake and waiting for me when i got home around 2:30am and then continue to hang out awake with me here now... they have not done this in weeks or maybe months, so maybe there's a secret animal reason i am not perceiving at the moment... happiness does not seem to be able to get comfortable even after i took him for a walk and he has whimpered more than usual... curious seems to be following him around as if she knows something is going to happen and she doesn't want to miss it... maybe she senses he needs some support... in any case, i ought to turn off the lights and close my eyes and welcome sleep soon cuz we have a must win softball game tomorrow (we are 9-3 after blowing a game last week and that puts us in fourth place again, just like last year, and we need to win our last two games and home two of the teams ahead of us lose a game each to finish high enough to qualify for the world series... not that we have a team that will go anywhere near doing well in the world series, but it's fun to travel to different cities and play in tournaments so in spite of the frustrations on the field, i hope we get to go to dallas this year... last year was fun - we qualified because two of the teams that finished ahead of us did not want to go... maybe that'll happen this year)...

it was a fun night, yummy food, and we almost picked up where we left off, but we didn't get to play cards for some reason and it was also sad and disappointing as there were too many missing friends for foolish reasons... it was not the usual card playing frivolity but then, that is to be expected as there was discomfort and it will take some time to acclimate to the changes that come when a group of friends break up when one is foolish enough to do something stupid enough to have to spend some time in jail... humans love to build walls of judgments and hurt feelings rather than live by their ideals and philosophies (or religions, you know, that thing about forgiveness and letting some god judge?)... i have no time and little patience for the drama, so i welcome the positivity and go where i have time to go... life else days leaves little time for long nights out anyway as i have that sad softball team on friday nights and am exhausted or at least not in the mood to travel anywhere most weeknights and that leaves only part of weekends for socializing... friends adjust and create positivity, others presume or judge and create negativity... i am drawn to the former and avoid the latter and life goes on...

so on goes the air conditioner, the patio door closes, off goes the light, and off to la la land i sail...

nite nite :)

as friends divide

is it sad when friends divide, when friends choose to no longer be friends... it is sad when friends ask friends to choose between them and other friends... it is sad when friends reject each other and push each other away... it is sad today as i find that happening to friends of mine... sad to find some left out of the party tonight even after they stood up in court to stand by the friend who was being welcomed home... sad that the friend who needed them so badly back then finds reason to push them away now... sad that his he does not see that his wife made it challenging for even me to continue to stay close, but then, who am i to fault him or anyone... just wish they all would see the divide they created did not have to be... but they forged it tonight and once walls are built, bringing them down will take serious effort on both sides and i do not see that effort in their eyes or words... alas, they will all see less of me for i do not have the time to be in two places at once and i will, as long as there is no mention of choosing between them, stay friends with both sides of the wall... and others as well... as i've been all through this life and as they've known me to be in the time they've known me, i welcome the positive and redirect the negative...

don't let it bring you down, it's only castles burning... but still, who wants to see friend's castles burn?...

narf...

work work and more work

that's about it, work fills most of the time of life and occupies the mind more than anything else these days even more than it does for most people cuz i am responsible for all operations 24/7 and with helpless lives in the hands of poorly educated (the south does not have a decent public education system) and some problematic staff (not to mention a 25 year old poorly maintained building and grounds), there is always something to be fixing... we do the best we can as a non-profit dependent on medicaid and donations to keep the people alive and it is challenging emotional and physical (and monotonous) work for $10 an hour, so what can we expect of a culture and system that used to warehouse human beings that were not good enough to care for themselves (no less be seen in public)... ah, but who has time for a soap box anymore...

alas and all... these eyes are blurry from fatigue a lot these days... can only imagine what the mind is thinking sometimes... i still dream a bass will join me to fill the bottom in... and maybe then some lead guitar so it wouldn't sound so thin... and then some drums to set the beat and help me keep in time... and way back in the distance, some strings would sound so fine... ah, yes, the dream of sharing creativity... and the dream of sharing love in an intimate partnership... somewhere deep inside, those dreams still are the only dream i know... thank you john... thank you harry... and good night mrs calabash, wherever you are... so giggle and remember, don't blink, cuz you never know when those dreams might come true...

narf :)

totally frustrating softball

there was desperation in the coaches texts all week as he begged for more players and i should have remembered why he has so much trouble putting a team together, no less a solid team, but i really want to play softball and i really wanted to get on a team around the corner and i like playing with jackson and she is on this team so i said yes... and tonight was the first game... jackson was out of town... not enough people showed up on time (often the coach does not show up on time) and we were penalized an out in the first inning, so when one girl struck out with bases loaded, the story of the game was evident... that girl could not throw the ball more than halfway back from home plate so i had to field a ground ball with every pitch and after thirty or so pitches my back was not happy... worse than that, i could not get into any kind of rhythm so i pitched poorly the first inning and never really felt comfortable on the mound... second inning the coach put that girl in right field and i didn't walk anybody after that, but there were several home runs hit to right field because she couldn't field at all and there were a few others at the same beginner level... coach forgot to put me in the lineup at first which would have been another out if the other team wanted to say something but since they won 22-2 in three innings, they don't care how many rules we didn't follow...

we played the fourth best team in this five team league... yes, the other three teams are better than the team we played... we don't have anyone who can play well, only one outfielder who can catch the ball but no outfielder or infielder who handles ground balls well so i expect to play very few innings and no one who can throw the ball well and no one who understands defending second base and this is going to be a very frustrating season... our first base girl caught one ball so every ground ball except one hit to me was at least a single and a few were doubles when the other team realized that she didn't chase the ball once it got by her... when i am one of the best players on a team, we do not belong in a competitive co-ed league with guys who can hit the ball hard to all fields and out of the park at will and girls who can hit the fence and most have speed and field well and most of all, they know the game... we don't do any of that, so paying $40 to swing the bat once a week and play three innings a week is gonna make for a very frustrating season...

at least i don't have to drive far... so let it go...

don't blink

actually, i have no idea what you are saying or thinking and it really doesn't hurt (much), but if you blink you might find dozens of entries suddely appearing before this one as if they were always there... be that as it may or may not be, i've not been gone, only elsewhere, busy busy busy, not in the holiday sense, but in the taking the job seriously (that happens when you love your work, or at least when i love my work) sense... texts and emails and phone calls continue after long days that start with sunrise and end with sunset or latter (and around here, that's a relatively long day), especially on nights of softball (which is three nights a week some weeks and twice on sundays)... still, even loving the work as much as i do, variety is a necessary ingredient to sanity and a few games of softball each week is not enough variety for the peerless mind of this odd child (and insatiable, did we mention insatiable?)... no doubt...

still, i miss you, even when we're not here...

narf :)

and the animals

with jackson away for most of the past week, the animals are getting seriously needy and hyper attention seeking and extremely intrusive, waking me at sunrise and staring at me most of the time i am here... are they asking where their mom is?... maybe... probably if we give them credit for memory beyond instinct... are they asking for food and to go outside and for play and attention, almost all the time when they are not sleeping... so life at home has been sleepless and distracting to say the least, but they are living breathing beings and like young children, helpless to survive without my feeding and socializing with them, so i do... just another reason the words slowed and even this catch up session is weak... distracted and more, so tired...

is it love, or is it "feed me" "walk me" "pet me" and other self-thoughts?... someday we may know, until then, we can accept it as love and feel better about it... not so alone, but still peerless... hello?...

narf :)

emails and old friends

this morning i wrote an email, two even, to old friends who actually read this blog... it was a good time... and even though i slid way out of email mode for a while as i tend to do when life changes and business (as in busy-ness) rises... then again, i slide out of email a lot cuz email reminds me of betrayals from other lives and the intimacy of words cannot be trusted and i don't much like to think about that... i just wrote something like this or something similar to an old friend (usually referred to as Z here) who is one of the silent partners in a blog family blog i started a while back:

ah, the never ending stories that long term email addresses allow are the stuff of romance and mushiness... yes, hello, here we are, and i still care about you so i am taking a few moments out of the few moments i have to myself (this is the first day i have awakened with an hour to myself in more months than i recall and in less than an hour i must feed the dog, walk the dog, feed the cat, take a shower, get dressed for dinner, and drive out to pick up a few friends who invited me to dinner at a fancy buffet today... be there at 2:30, are my instructions... it will be fun, but is also a bit of obligation as i don't see these friends often and while i do want to keep in touch, but i also feel robbed of the few moments i can think about what i want to do... one of the wants is to say hello to you...

somehow, for some reason, the blog family blog appeared at the top of my almost one hundred blogs at google-blogger -blogspot this morning... the blogs are listed in activity order with the last activity at the top, so i excitedly clicked over to our blog family blog and found nothing had changed since the last post P posted last year and while i was disappointed i was also excited cuz it might mean that she did start a post there or maybe Z or J did and then i checked and only P and i are authors there and i am not sure how long invites last so i sent an invite to you and J again (which brought me to find your email addresses and that is what brings me here typing these words) cuz you are still always welcome and i understand you prefer your silences but do not want access to that blog to be unavailable if you find a moment like this where you feel like writing something there cuz these moments can be so fleeting so i hope you at least accept the invite and that way you have access even if you never want to type a word there...

and then i sent that to J with some more words and so this entry is for no apparent reason other than to record the fact that i still really do want to share words even though there are some painful memories involved and also that sent two emails out today... amazing, no doubt...

narf :)

the results so far

crappy, so far... my website is not coming up... not the blogger sites, but my personal domain... i am not sure if the domain expired or if there is something wrong with this laptop, but the candor.8m.com name works, but the candoor.net does not work... weird... hopefully it is just temporary...

being that i did not sleep much last night, that is, i fell asleep shortly after getting home from work and woke around midnight and am still up since then, i ordered pizza... the brain was too tired to focus on any sort of catching up, perhaps tomorrow, but then, tomorrow i am meeting helen and her mother and friends for easter dinner somewhere starting at 2pm so i won't have much vege at home time... that is life these days... the body and mind could really use some serious vege time...

pizza was yummy... gonna lay back and let the tv put me to sleep... so much excitement, how can we bear it, aye?...

nite nite... ish... narf :)

the continuing saga of time passages

it's been a long long time, as linda ronstadt might say, since i visited myspace, but i did have a huge blog there once before they deleted it... and there are still playlists, or at least pieces of playlists, i put together in years gone by... these are two of the imbed scripts they offer today... over the years i've come to accept that websites are transitory and these scripts might not work the next time you visit here, just as scripts myspace and other sites provided in the past do not work now... but let's see how long these last... this was the primary playlist i made at myspace more than a decade ago... it was a playlist i would turn on and fall asleep to, once upon a time... perhaps because it expressed some of my deepest dreams... or perhaps just cuz i liked it's relaxing sound... i still like it a lot... anyway, here it is...

love songs and other anomolies from ric candor on Myspace.

one of the blanker times

blanker, in the not filling in as many entries as i might usually do at other times in catch up sessions... disinterest?... perhaps a bit, after all, there is massive disinterest in the universe, not meaning to offend or diminish the importance and value of the few beings who are interested, the vast majority of beings are not, but that doesn't have as much effect on my affect as my own disinterest and there is a bit more than usual these days primarily because there is so little free time and so many distractions (especially the primary daily life distraction of bleeding money due to lack of communication and unrealistic impulsive spending and then there is so many things to juggle at work anticipating an ahca inspection anytime between now and the next few months and with a few things glaringly out of compliance because i can't find a contractor to do some work after months of searching and still some other things that leave some situations out of my control and distractions and obligations and responsibilities and this very full life keeps me away from the computer more and more and that's just the way it is now so i am not as motivated to spend hours catching up on the past two plus weeks as i usually am...

and how are you? :)

farting dogs

while that might be the name of a band someday, if it isn't already, the title refers to our dear happiness who passed gas so foul we are choking and for survival and not merely comfort, we need to open all of the windows and doors... something evil died inside of him, several times... it's a old dog thing, you had to be there... you have to thank your lucky stars you weren't... somehow, though, as any parent who's ever changed that certain level of diaper knows, like any innocent child passing gas in his or her sleep, you just gotta love them... and then there's curious, who as jackson has said, can be a real bitch sometimes... she actually nipped at my hand the other morning as i was saying good morning and feeding her and took a food scoop to the snout in return... she hid from me for a full 24 hours, but is back at my side rubbing and purring and begging for the petting she loves as if nothing ever happened... no blood drawn, she is as conciliatory as a cat gets, so all is right with the family...

i'm not sure which one of them left some foul throw up that looks a lot like poop on the carpet, but i am putting a bowl over it because i am too tired to clean it tonight... animals are animals, after all... and we've had to pay for carpet replacement at the last two places we've lived so why should it be any different here as they are just getting older... the family is alright...

narf...

the heat is hot

the temperature is rising, the nights are not cooling off like they used too... and while i don't dispute the global warming reality, this recent heat wave is simply the norm coming in for the season around here... so here comes more air conditioning, less open patio doors, higher electric bills, more cool showers, and all the summertime activities that make this semi-tropical area the coolest place for me to live... i love the heat and any further north than this is not for me... though the laptop (and my lap) does ask for a cool breeze now and then... it makes for long nights tossing and turning... or high electric bills... and grumps... anybody wanna help pay the bills, feel free... see?... the heat leads to delirium, or something like that...

narf :)

relationships

if you read this, you would know more about how i felt and why things are the way they are... but you might not want to face reality or truth or me... that is probably why we don't talk about it... if we talked, we might work out the stuff in the way, the stuff we are not happy about, the stuff that creeps up and causes our tension and mini-explosive moments... relationships of any kind can be tolerated for mutual benefit, but they improve when honesty actually happens and they are frustrating when frustrations are not discussed and resolved...

if you read this, you could ignore it... the way you ignore the clutter most of the time... but the frustration bubbles up and bites us now and then... i can only guess that for you this is an acceptable trade off so you do not have to delve into the reasons for your betrayal of trust... for me, your not delving into it prevents me from trusting you or processing the betrayal...

so we live in clutter and disarray and neither of us like it but i let it be and add to it because the frustration of lack of trust is unresolved and you have your reasons that you do not share when i ask... if you want to de-clutter, talk about it... that's the first step of doing something about it...

hope you read this someday...

love us...

this may take a few minutes to a few hours

days, even... kaspersky suggested i spring clean my computer and impulsively, way past my bedtime and near complete exhaustion, i've decided to follow their suggestions... does that make it advice?... i mean, what turns a suggestion into advice, anyway?... meanwhile, it's taking a long long time... might as well do some heavy reading cuz all we've got is time (or religion, after all... or something like that...

anyway, two days later, the defrag monstrosity that windows puts into it's operating system is still trying to defrag this laptop... eventually, as this entry continues )it is being written over several days, at least), i cancelled the crappy microsoft defrag that comes with vista and searched for the latest best reviewed defrag software... and i settle on auslogic defrag software and it works pretty well... at least it said it worked pretty well... it was free, so well enough i hope (we shall see if the computer reboots properly, aye?)... of course it told me i had other issues and offered to sell me another product to clean my registry and clean up my pc so i searched for a highly rated free registry cleaner and found auslogic registry cleaner and it worked pretty well too, again, cuz it said so...

being on a roll, i downloaded glary utilities, highly rated, but not working completely so i downloaded duplicate file finder and am letting it find and delete duplicate files... it is working right now... when it is done, lots are deleted but again it asks for money to upgrade to delete more files... hey, what it does is better than nothing...

so perhaps the computer feels better now... it still takes way too long to boot up, but that's vista...

narf :)

the next level

the latest wave of new blogs may be taking us to the next level... and yet, there have been several waves of new blogs since this one began and this one remains the daily blog in spite of the good ideas and great intentions for improvements the other blogs represent and attempt to actualize... some time back bullsugar brought lightness to the profoundity, or so we thought, and even a splash of color too boot... it sustained for some time, but did not surpass the draw of this (e)thereal place for daily writings... . . . . . more recently, record of a life came around along with who cares and the bored and the caring and maybe even out of the blue, though they all remain secondary and somewhat cloudy in precise purpose and none have become a daily draw for words... most recently this life i loosely call mine emerged as a contender for the next every blog and we shall see how that goes, but so far there seems to be an anonymity and timelessness that appeals to me on many levels... all we can do is wait and see though, for many other transient blogs have come along as potential dailies only to find a flow outside the daily paths in this blogging life...

this may be one of the few entries mentioning all this as mapping the gardens has not been a priority in recent years since so much of it was deleted by att and that is as it seems right to be as the daily continues to seek that precarious balance between completely open honesty and respectful release...

shhhhh, narf :)

sleepy

fun nights watching sports, playing sports, sharing time with jackson, eating yummies, little sleep... long days at work which is fun too... but little sleep... five, six, seven, lost count but lots of days in a row... and tonight more... jackson wants me to drive to meet her on the other side of town so she can take me to birthday dinner... it's important to her... so i am fighting the sleep and gonna get dressed and drive out... probably drink more caffeine (stopped for coffee this morning and haven't done that in many weeks)... hopefully that won't have me buzzed later... but life is fun... yeah, keep it fun for as long as it lasts, right... yay fun...

yawn, narf, lol lam :)

more sports and food

the women's ncaa basketball championship was not much of a surprise as the coach for women's basketball at uconn has such an amazing reputation that he attracts more of the best players in the country more consistently than anyone else (like the former tennessee coach used to) and so the uconn women's basketball teams have dominated in the past could of decades... nine championships (out of nine championship games) in nineteen years when more than a hundred teams are vying for it (though only five or six have had any real chance in this time frame) is, well, pretty amazing... college sports are fun to watch because of the enthusiasm and laughter and teamwork that often is lacking in the pro games where ego dominates and individual icons are all that seem to matter... and this year it's even more fun to watch cuz jackson is home watching with me... and we made some more yummy food too... life is good...

maybe i'll sleep tomorrow, aye? lol lam... narf :)

sports and food (and softball)

was asked to fill in again for a monday night softball team and while it was a travesty because the other team was that good and the team i filled in for was not, it was still fun... and then home to watch the ncaa basketball final with jackson cuz she loves sports even more than i do and sharing is fun fun fun with or without a t-bird... it was a good game and i suppose the better team did win, thought the freshman were hurting and inexperienced and will be formidable next year... unless they go for the money and fame into thugland... whatever, there was a game, we watched, we enjoyed, we had fun... food was good too... then tv... more whatever, so tired, but much fun...

narf too :)

and so it was

birthdays come and birthdays go and most of the time nobody notices because i am comfortable with that because i am used to that because that is how it was for a long time and most of all, because birthdays were not fun and mostly sad or painful when i was a younger child who saw through superficiality and token gestures and was always rebuffed for my not returning in kind the superficiality and token gesture because it felt fake, instinctively, and i refused to be fake... must have been a principled child... or obstinate... or both... anyway, it was a fun birthday this year cuz i did fun things with jackson all day then i saw caring here too and your words inspired big smiles and i hope to get some sleep one of these days cuz the fun is fun but sleep helps me know what day it is and other memory stuff works better with some sleep... but first, another dinner with jackson... yummies win again...

what's my name?...

narf :)

tomorrow, about now

i so should be sleeping but jackson wanted pizza after a dinner snack and i snacked too much all day and so i am bloated and wired cuz she also brought home code red and a slurpy for me when she went out to get the pizza and a mountain dew for her (i know, i should not be spending any money, but it was a 7-11 pizza, so i got change back from my $20)... the primary reason i should be sleeping is we are doing a 5K in the morning, like out the door in less than five hours so awake in less than that, and then there is a double header at noon... heck of a way to spend a birthday, aye?...

maybe i'll nap tomorrow... unless jackson has other plans... i am still buzzing, but i shall try laying down on the too soft couch and see if i might fall asleep... it's really a whole lot more exciting than it sounds... life, that is... i'll think of something wonderful tomorrow, or someday soon... until then, thanks for hanging in there as dementia sets in cuz really, no really, it is tomorrow, about now...

snarf :)

shoulda slept

was starting to fall asleep when jackson came in and gave me a hug and wanted to eat so she made pizza and i made eggplant and now i am stuffed and she's working in her room and the body is wondering why i seem to have given up on it... sadly, there is no chocolate in the house... the taste buds are quite pleased though...

the computer wants to reboot... the work software is bogging the computer down... shoulda just gone to sleep, yup, shoulda slept...

narf...

and then there is sleeping and food too

yes, so... without the softball and with the frustration of home (just cuz i don't vent as much as i did last month doesn't mean anything's changed), i just laid back and closed my eyes and fell asleep and almost slept through the night cuz that is best for everyone i suppose... i don't need the stress of silence about the finances and jackson does not need the stress of my bleeding to death (financially)... and the space remains messed up, cluttered, and needing repairs that the management seem to ignore or pretend they don't know about... the renovations have backfired on them badly as the place looks cheap because the work was sloppy and they tore up the grounds so there is no grass or landscaping... their goal was to create a luxury community but they failed miserably... anyway, jackson avoids and ignores a lot better than i do and she self destructs when i confront her or the messed up space we live in so we are in silent running mode for now... avoid avoid avoid... ignore ignore ignore... nite nite nite... eggplant burgers and rice was yummy...

narf...

back to winning and food

before we go off on another tangent, more is here, so click here if you want more... seriously, if you want the deeper depths, the meaningful meanings, the touches of the real within the (e)thereal, i made some effort to put in on the previous entry... tonight, fatigue is winning... but first, another softball game played and another win tonight... and more yummy food, home to save some money... somebody's gotta do it...

women's college basketball on the tv... was gonna be a great final between two unbeatens but the big girl on notre dame is out so uconn might walk away with a 40-0 season... or something like that... of course anything can happen in a single game, but... there is simply not enough time for enough rest in a life filled with fun and working full time... but life is expensive, especially when everything gets given away so easily... it's still the same old story... and happiness is getting older by the minute... alas, life is like that...

these days on the couch are challenging...

narf, anyway :)

back to where we were again

less than three minutes in i decided to link him here (though i think maybe he sounds better, but does not have as good a selection)... close your eyes and listen... how many can you name?... really... on an unrelated subject, i think i should be laughing at this if i ever click on a link and read... it all started when i was looking for another new beginning (that may be a rarity, blip) and in the initial search found myself going back in time and eventually listened to this and went looking for something like this (and kinda found it i think, but along the way i found myself lost in the oblivion of procrastination... or something like that) and instead of mourning the loss of innocence or sharing or wallowing in loneliness, i listen and remembered and played with myself (wait, what?... did someone say something like that?... this is not time for a something like that) all night long... no seriously, this is really not time for...

where were we again?...

narf lol lam :)