overstuffed to the max

(really just into tomorrow... ah yes, the old 11:50PM trick... but who's counting)... yes, even after over-stuffing at the chinese buffet for dinner and falling asleep in the car waiting for a friend who was running late (as usual) and being so tired after a month of stressful wor life and over-busy home life, i drink 32 ounces of iced coffee on the way home and then, i get home and resist the nodding off going on until around 2am when i drink more coffee and each chocolate covered pretzels... bloated... stuffed... over-stuffed...

it is the physical stimulation i have most available cuz, after all, how often can a body exercise or masturbate, even... and jackson loves food too, too much at times, just like me... but i'd rather cook and eat it than watch others do it and really she likes watching... anyway, the body really does need more balance as in less food and more exercise and even though the body survives and can be quite healthy without it, more sharing would be good too...

so what else is new, aye?...

you? :)

sometimes we just do it

and sometimes we just write it, or prepare to, at least... like in the catch up sessions when we skip ahead to yesterday sometime tomorrow and leave these unfinished snippets of entries that may or may not ever be flushed out or fleshed out or completed, even...

something happen, obviously, and someday, perhaps we will know what that is...

until then, more narf (and links and more links, ya know? :)

fighting the flu (part two)

wonder if part one ever got here?... anyway, at home, we've been spared so far... but i feel this body fighting off the bugs floating around me... i made it through the work flu outbreak with little more than occasional sniffles, slight gravel throat from nasal drip and screaming at the softball tournament, and the slight cough that comes with dryness of the throat... yeah, made it through... and then the people around me in life started bringing the bugs closer... and in the last few days the chilled rain gave the body another obstacle to overcome... and then, in the last five hours, curlietta (spontaneous name for a friend that may or may not stick) gave me her nagging cold bugs by coughing repeatedly in a closed car without covering her mouth once and sometimes directly her bugs, however unintentionally, right at my face... dontcha just love that?...

so now the nose is running strong trying to push the bugs out of the body and the body is revving up the immune system, already fatigued from weeks of battling this winter's bugs including the strongest strain of h1n1 (swine) flu yet, to fight off this gift from a friend...

how has the human species survived this long with such unhealthy habits?...

narf!...

really? again?

i mean, really?... the humanity?... or something like that?... the month flew by and here we are about to start a new one and i have not had or made time to do all i want to do and sleep and write and this month, writing is what is left out of the mix (though not completely, but uploading is very much left out of the mix, at least so far... i mean, what are we up to, about halfway through the tenth?... shhhh, no one will ever know... maybe)... another long day at work, though today was a team building day where we pushed limits and mostly made progress (though i sense a few with less than ideal habits will not change much, we can still hope old dogs will learn new tricks)...

just for the record and in case you are skipping ahead or reading in reverse or haphazardly jumping around the entries you missed in this first month of this year, these and some of the entries that are being uploaded during this catch up dance we are doing this month... just cuz i like to semi-randomly redirect the paths we might travel as we wander through this blog, ya know?...

maybe, aye?... anyway, the time not spent here is very productive and being enjoyed, so yay for life... hope you are making yours better every day :)

yes, and here too (see other one)

cuz january only had 97, and so on)...

we'll get back to it...

narf :)

stop me if i'm going too fast

i mean, if you can and want to, that is...

a few words might get my attention...

tomorrow, even...

narf :)

don't let the day go by

without another entry, right?...

someday and all...

narf :)

there should have been another one here

just cuz (january only had 96 entries so far, after all,... how blunt, aye?)...

till tomorrow and all...

narf :)

still catching up

(actually almost midnight the night before, but)... aching neck, bad tv, commercials louder than the shows, ate steak tonight, excellent porterhouse, the fillet was delicious, the new york strip was very good... it was a long day... finally finished the evaluations for my managers and directors and discussed them with each... all but two responded very favorably... one was not satisfied with the one of the highest scores i gave and complains of being overworked and underpaid... very unrealistic, but she seems to do her job well enough... she's private and does not see her flaws, makes excuses and points fingers at others a lot, and in many ways is a typically entitled poor person who wants more than she can get, but so private about what she does that she is almost secretive about it... and another needed to get over the low rating even though she agreed with the improvement plan i wrote for her and she said she will sign tomorrow, a day late, but if she does then i will be done... meanwhile, it's a hot night even though it is 62 degrees outside... all the windows are closed because they are tearing up the outside of the building and making a racket early in the morning, replacing the siding... sometimes it's like this...

babbling, oh, how i miss babbling... just not making the time for it as i am making sure i am getting reasonable sleep (like more than six hours each night and sometimes more than eight) and the time i used to steal from sleeping was my babbling time all these years... this job requires me to be very awake and alert, pretty much more than any other job i've has, and i have been driving jackson around most evenings and this body is not getting any younger, so i make sure i get enough sleep most nights more than i have in at previous time in this life...

it's still a wonderful life, just busier than ever...how about you? :)

work, work, work

good day, all the evaluations got done and except for one, all were discussed, reviewed, signed, and uploaded to the server so i'm done except for the one who refused to sign... not everyone accepts responsibility well... not everyone accepts positive direction well... so she'll sleep on it and sign tomorrow after she complains to my supervisor at the corporate level... my supervisor was the acting administrator for a year or so and was ready to let this particular director go, so she will not be kind, but will givr her the option of working with me to keep her job or start looking for another... upper management in a 24/7 health care setting requires a lot more initiative, leadership, time, and energy than she's given so far but i have seen improvement over the past month and she agrees with the plan of correction, so she's probably going to try to improve and step up and learn and stay with us...

doing eight annual evaluations in one day is a lot of delicate meetings, but the company wants all evaluations done in the same month, so we do it all at once and i would rather do them all in one day than have several days of uncomfortable or distracted managers and directors wondering when they were going to get called in and what they will be hearing... so it went amazingly well, all in all...

and then we had fun at home :)

middle of the day

just cuz it is here...

after midnight

deja vu for you if you remember, maybe something new if you don't, whatever... so after expanding the stomach to it's maximum capacity and visually appearing to be in a third trimester of pregnancy (you think i jest?), i decide to have a midnight snack five hours later of chips and cheese seafood dip and chocolate milk... jackson made dinner and it was yummy, gortitas and i had four... or five... and some meatballs too, to boot... so i have energy when i should be sleeping, as usual... work tomorrow, must be alert... must bring caffeine in the morning... need a mug for work cuz we believe in sustainability and do not use paper or plastic cups... but most important, tomorrow, at least, is that the evaluations are due and i must get them done...

oh yeah, i remember this one (what time is it?... shhhh, we are catching up) lol lam...

narf :)

reaching back for tomorrow

whatever that meant (yeah, this filling in of catch-up entries is an odd duck, a weird experience, a frog in fish clothing, or something like that)... someday it might all be explained in words we can all understand... for now, just accept whatever it is as it is and if you want to see it as some sort of desperate attempt to justify self worth or validate existence or beg for attention, then so be it... let us know when we are ready to get past the surface, m'ok?... snarky whiplash, out...

meanwhile, this month is flying by so fast there is no way to make it last so all i can do is remember what came right after december because the first few weeks of this year were lost in giving away days and nights to work and friends with no time left for computers or the web or writing, even (though the writing went on in the head all the same)... and the words will flow even when they appear invisible (how does something appear invisible?... when it's rhetorical?)...

huh? :)

another another one might appear here

shhh, don't tell :)

later maybe

this entry may appear, probably, just cuz i might want it to...

until then, narf :)

losing time

perhaps i mean a time for losing or perhaps i mean time passing so fast it seems lost or perhaps i mean i don't know what i mean because i don't have time to figure anything out or remember or something like that... there are cds stacked high on my left four feet wide dour feet high, at least, and more stacking in front of me, ten stacks a foot or two high, all awaiting some sort of sorting... there are boxes stacked to the left of me, six feet high, many boxes waiting opening and sorting, some sort of sorting... there are tables full of clothes in front of me awaiting time, time for some sort of sorting... and clothes piled high on the recliner to the ceiling and beyond (ok, that's a slight exaggeration, but)... there is no time to finish what i started this weekend so the stacks of stuff remain (hope jackson isn't too disturbed {maybe she will help some more} tomorrow)...

took a nap earlier, though not sure where i put it (when you take a nap, where do you go with it, aye?)... gonna take a shower in the morning, same questions i suppose, the words are playing with my head tonight... should be asleep, naturally, it's after 2am and i wanted to get to work by three am today, but not so much now... worked on work at home just moments ago so i might be more reasonably able to go in around eight and get some sleep (where we gonna get if from, aye?)... if i would fall asleep soon, that is...

laid down and closed my eyes two hours ago, or more, and sleep did not want me... so i worked some more and here we are... sort of sorting everything out...

narf :)

gee wiz, everybody (prequel)

somewhere in that title may be a character from the simpsons, perhaps the doctor... and somewhere in the future i will tell you all about it, but for now, this catching up madness continues with this entry for a sunday afternoon (musical references aside) written after napping for three hours or so after falling asleep on the couch while sort of watching ncis on dvr with jackson (sort of... she put it on but was texting and on the phone a lot, as usual... the girl practically lives in text or games on the phone, goober bless her... or is that bless her goobers... well anyway, it's just an expression whether you recognize or get it or not, aye?) after taking jackson shopping for food after eating out a tiajuana flats at jackson's suggestion (i think i've spent a thousand dollars, at least, on eating out the past month since jackson has been off her feet and i really ought to stop cuz i am gaining wait and not saving money as much as i should being that i want to buy a car soon, but that's yet another aside happening in the near future) and so, whatever i was going to say might have been lost in translation or babble...

yes, i really should be sleeping... in the future too... but i just had to come tell you whatever it is i forgot, so don't forget to check out all the links and value in this entry and make it a wonderful day, evening, night, morning... time, even...

narf :)

guided missiles, revisited

remember when we said we should be laughing (missile-toe?) and instead we said yeah, right... so whatsitooya? (missive ho?) and no one got it get it? (and the two before that one too) but because we still love music (or was that flower power?, hey hey hey) the love never seemed to end (or was that the month that never ends {cuz it goes on and on my friends?... and welcome back my friends to the show, ah, the show} because we remembered when the music and so we sang someday my princess will come too hey hey hey, and someday the music was new (a mix we lovingly call bipolar... yeah, could be heavy, but it ends with Meg & Dia's Love Song (which is one of Dia's favorite songs, as it Love Is, which is one of my favorite songs and very upbeat, so heavy ain't the end, it's the means to the end and the end, well, that's still being written, ya know?), and hey hey hey heck yeah that was worth repeating...

he ain't heavy no, not much just some lonely guy who spent some time on the internet a few times, just not nearly as much as before... pondering the universe of sorts and ancient history (maybe ain't so ancient, actually)... maybe... but seriously, if we can really remembering the giving is what feels best we will feel the flow of positive energy and forgive the life of so many unfinished narfs and other things even when we are choosing to sleep for many weeks (or some measure of time which is so relative (bach knew), how about you?... this may be some sort of compilation, or not...

it could be that sometimes i have too much energy and even when sleep calls or the moment has passed the flow continues into the future and if we blink (and blink again) we just might miss it and find ourselves wondering where we belong...

we must remember this, even so... after all these years, it's nice to know...

narf :)

and then now

the entry machine suddenly stopped, or at least appeared to stop, but actually nothing stopped except my visits to the web at home and therefore, the uploads... so i guess two things stopped, and everything dependant on those two things, so i guess many things stopped, but not everything, i suppose... anyway, suddenly, every now and then, the explosion, mini as it might have been, happened and as it did, entries popped into place in relatively crhonological order, with relatively total disregard for time... yeah, it happens...

so someday soon i will buy a new car, unpack boxes, watch snl, hollywood game night, and (insert show), dance with the devil in the pale moonlight, and maybe even bring stuff down from storage (hey, it's a long year)... until then, i'll just keep pretending i was here and you were there and we had fun sharing caring... cuz we would if we could, right?...

some nights, we even turned on the heat...

narf :)

some time ago

some time ago, these entries were uploaded even though they were written tonight, or last night, or some time around this time and many days have passed while i worked long hours all day and took care of jackson whenever i was not working (and squeezed in softball and some help for curly), but most nights i choose sleep which was wise and recorded and uploaded all those days ago as if it was written whenever it was uploaded as time goes by... or something like that, whatever that was... or might be...

another unfinished linkage entry, perhaps...

narf :)

hey, hey, we're the flunkies

and somewhere in time a grand oration of marxian proportions filled the air with motivation to change the status quo from servitude to equality, but the one percent said no and so, we sang...

when jackson was a child she listened to the monkees

hey
hey
hey
hey

i don't know why these were the chosen few

hey
hey

but in my mind the memories were precious and few, too

hey

and it was the sixties after all

hey
hey

singing

hey

if there is a deeper message in the lyrics linked above then let it be given and accepted with love...

narf :)

this might belong somewhere else (and maybe be incomplete)

the spark is sometimes there, but then, it can disappear so quickly
so quickly it can disappear, and then, repeat itself repeat itself
as creativity is not always the what we can see but what we feel
when what we feel is so real it won't stay on a shelf
no book can contain an exploding brain
no song can express all a heart can confess
no movie can tell the depths of the well
of emotion, devotion, illusion, confusion
still sometimes somewhere we can hear the sound of a bell
that opens us to everything ever told can tell

and no one has to understand
as long as you do
i do, do you?

and no one has to lend a hand
as long as you can
pull yourself through
i do, can you?

and no one has to give a command
no power on high
no canon need explain the unknown
as long as you can overcome fear
you will know what is true
i can, i do, can you, do you?
truth true, i hope you do

or not so much maybe after all...

narf :)

forgotten how?

and i remembered listening and singing of simplicity and love and being real and free when lives of mediocrity were not what we wanted to see and music rang out in our ears to raise our hopes and quell our fears with words that promised better days if we would only change our ways from greed and insecurity to sharing open honesty but somewhere along the way to what we need we gave into fear and were consumed by greed... still i remember singing...

but who is listening now?... have we forgotten how?...

4am narfs...

kaspersky again

whether it is just kaspersky or the combination of kaspersky and windows vista, we are back to kaspersky automatically doing scans automatically when i log in which prevents me from doing what i intend to do when i log in... why the software cannot do what it does in the background or better yet, when the laptop is idle (yes, i have the settings set to not run scans when the the laptop is not idle, but then, i also have the settings set to run scans and updates at specific times in the middle of the night and it does not do that either... all in all, Kaspersky Pure 3.0 is very disappointing software that may protect my computer well, but definitely intrudes on my user experience and flat out prevents me from using my laptop when i want to unless i turn off Pure. 3.0, which defeats the purpose of having an anti-virus program...

i'll send another support ticket and attempt a fix and give more time to the company i am paying to give time too... the world is upside down sometimes (especially from an economic view)... a heck of a way to spend 4am...

frustrated narfs...

blink and blink again

and the time flies by... it was so many weeks before i found myself here looking at the date as if it was amazing that three weeks had passed or even more and there was no past to speak of or read about to be more precise... so i left these few words for the moment and i left to catch up on the times and i came back to now with the feeling that i should get lost in rhymes, but who has the time...

just one more tired day after another... wondering what this life is all about... surely i am loving every minute... and yet there is still a tinge of doubt... am i alone enough to satisfy me... am i alone the value of my life... are we alone by choice or is it reality... and when we share is that illusion, is this clarity or confusion, are we just sharing a delusion that we are not alone... somewhere in time the answer calls... maybe when my answer called i did not have a phone...

blinkin' narf :)

blurring the times

as in blurring the lines between moments and minutes and hours and days and weeks and months and years and decades and can we know centuries maybe someday, maybe someday we will know much more than we know now... stretching the limits, the energy, the strength, the time in the bottle that pushes us forward and moves through the stillness toward somewhere else in a life always moving if just in our minds (how else do we know we're alive?)... some time yesterday i was lost and alone and today i am not as lost or alone and yet no one is here and nothing has changed except how i look at myself and the world so perception is everything sometimes... and everybody changes sometimes... and what we see is the world through the lines of time, so then sometimes, it's no wonder when we close our eyes we are blurring the lines...

so whenever this was, i hope we were well and whenever you read this, i hope we are well and whenever it is, i hope we are well and every now and then we find clarity between the lines, and between the lines i hope every now and then we find clarity between the times...

still loving you between the times...

narf :)

not around much

(anymore?... or is that you don't come around here anymore or much, anyway, that is next month's question when we are all caught up, so maybe i will link a reference to then now and you will find it when then is now and now is yesterday {when all our troubles seemed so far away} and what shall we make of entries that start off with long parenthetic asides, anyway {and how many anyways can be tolerated in one parentheses, or paragraph, even?} wake me up when this entry gets started, m'ok?)... are we talking about you or me or self-mockery, or whatever, even?...

perhaps we mean the babbler as the babbler has been mii (missing in inaction, which is slightly more accurate when we assess the bigger picture)... so often it is not what we are doing that is wrong, but what we are not doing that leaves an opening for something to go wrong...

learning is always, even when we're not around much...

narf :)

and january continues to grow (clever monkeys)

even though it's february somewhere... the next dozen or so entries were probably written in january, maybe the next two dozen or more, but this particular entry is being written in february, the first or second to be imprecise, just for the sake of filling in the gaping whole that january almost was... yes, a near miss, we record those around here... like in risk management school... and i guess you had to be there... i mean, to get the joke or understand or something... otherwise, we simply join the fuckem if they can't take a joke party and let the rest of them fight it out amongst themselves... or something like that... who are you anyway and what did you do with all of my talkative readers?... dear readers, i love you anyway you are... hope you are well...

as i said in the previous entry, there is a wealth of knowledge and worthless babble awaiting you if you only find the time and inclination to read... this is one way to dive in to this month if you haven't already and then some additions will be added along the way as we catch up on today (if you understand the relativity of time in a blog (if i could save time in a blogger, the first thing that i'd like to do... la la la)... yeah, clever monkeys know the sweetest fruit is at the top of the trees...

narf :)

too much energy

life goes on, everybody seems to give up and settle for less than they are... me too, and yet, i am still growing and not settling for what others are settling for so i am still alone... i want to share, so i continue reaching out in any way i can... that is what these words are about, this blog, and the hundreds of others... the written gardens... the past few weeks went by like a blip on a screen and you can sort of start to catch up here if you want to catch up (and as tom hanks said to meg ryan once, oh, how i wish you would) and that is the point, sharing, who is sharing?...

maybe this makes sense to someone... the story of how i came across that will be uploaded in a future entry... until then,this would be a good time to attempt some sort of catch up of the many dozens of entries uploaded suddenly over the past month unless you don't have time in which case it might be an even better time to start on a guided catch-up, i mean, unless you don't have the time for that or are simply not interested...

may we share common interests and pursue them now and then :)

boring sports

lately sports are boring, even annoying... espn has become the lebron station again as it seems every miami game is televised no matter who they are playing... boring... why play the season when the finals are are as set as they've ever been and nobody really cares who wins during the season, not even the players... it's just street ball and players take turns showing off... the lack of balance in the league makes it even less interesting... and nobody plays team ball ever... the nba is the all-ego league...

so i have not watched much espn lately... they are too much in love with one player... and while i am watching the nfl playoffs in spite of the poor officiating and suspicious winners, soon enough football will be gone and all that will be left on espn is occasional tournaments... i guess i am just remembering that i'd rather be playing than watching... softball season starts next month and i am definitely ready (even with the frustrations some teams bring)...

just not quite done having fun, ya know? :)

music saves

meanwhile, in another entry, i suppose i lied when i said i did not feel like finding all the links and such as i found the motivation and time to do it in the previous entry... anyway, music has been keeping me alive a long time and tonight, i recall how madonna's frozen haunted me when it first came out and wisely i forgot the song and am relearning it as i type... loving the haunting more than ever...

i really want to share more, something meaningful, but i seem to see and feel things so differently from everyone i know that we speak different languages and do not actually share anything deeper than the superficialities of life... alas and all, i challenge anyone to understand what i mean and to play in my playground... i play anywhere, but to truly share, we need to be in my world at least some of the time...

luckily, music saves me from the loneliness and despair and madness and occasional doubt (that actually does not come around much anymore and i challenge anyone to bring it back cuz that would be a new perspective)... so after all the fun and games and helping others, i lay down to sleep so many starry starry nights spent wondering, is anybody else saved by the music as i am?...

tell me about it :)

sort of a compilation, but not

of course should be laughing as this is an entry balanced between random selection, natural selection, and analytical selection (for what that's worth after some hard lemonade and being sleepy) which leads us to the age old philosophy loosely known as yeah, right... so even if nobody actually gets it (get it?...and the two before that one, but not necessarily your little dog too)... it isn't easy being a hippie in charge, especially when life and death decisions are in the balance... but still my love of music (or was that flower power?) keeps me hopeful, optimistic, and mostly sane even in this catch up month that never ends (cuz it goes on and on my friends... and welcome back at that) and with a serious flu (not short for flute or flutie) bug making the rounds all around me as long as i remember that someday my princess will come too...

listening to the latest music mix which i lovingly call bipolar... yeah, could be heavy, but it ends with Meg & Dia's Love Song (which is one of Dia's favorite songs, as it Love Is, which is one of my favorite songs and very upbeat, so heavy ain't the end, it's the means to the end and the end, well, that's still being written, ya know?), so he ain't heavy, he's my brother (and she's my sister) and i've been mostly offline but spent a little time on the internet a few times this month, just not nearly as much as i had been last year... really?... yeah, but that's not just ancient history (ain't so ancient, actually)... maybe... but all kidding aside most seriously, the secret is remembering the giving and that the giving is what feels best so even when the flow is mostly (or all) one way and there are many unfinished narfs and i am choosing sleep while weeks pass with nary an entry (wouldn't know it now, aye?... but as those who knew and know, bach knew, i mean, in case you wondered who else knew...

you are encouraged to follow the many paths you can find by clicking links in this entry... share, care, be well, be aware, till tomorrow, honest love, the one you love to read... ... ....

and me too :)

softball tournament catch-up

sadly, the team decided not to go play in the ft lauderdale tournament this year for some reason and i almost went with another team but i do not want to add the temptation of changing teams to the frustration my team provides sometimes... the past weekend we played in our own orlando tournament and it was quite frustrating (probably why i did not mention it or give a day by day update) as the coaches were not there because they were playing with their team at another location so i was asked to coach and the laziness and one prima donna player got under my skin enough for me to blow up at all of them and sit the prima donna who is a good player, but distracts others...

after the second time he had to be called back to the field when he was up at bat, not only breaking the flow of our team but risking a penalty from the umpire as the umpire was asking for a batter and could have given us an out for delay of game, i blew up and benched him... everybody was telling me it's ok and i told the team fine, you coach, i'll sit... they decided to go with my decision... he decided between innings that it was time to argue with me instead of letting me coach, typical self-centered attitude... i told him to cheer the team on from the bench or leave, but we were not going to talk about it any more during the game... he sat and sulked on the bench the whole game and the team saw how he was not even interested in what we were doing, just in pouting... we won the game 14-0 without him...

i talked to him after the game and he was still in argument mode... i told him to shut up and listem or leave... it took three times saying that for him to listen and i explained how his pouting instead of cheering the team on was proof that he was not a team player and was only interested in himself... he tried to deny it and i told him he apparently did not understand what it meant to be a team player... he said "ok, you win" and i told him that's exactly my point, it's not a competition for who gets their way on the team or who gets the most attention on the team, it's playing together, supporting each other, paying attention to what is going on, not disappearing and flirting with people in the stands when you are supposed to be on the field playing... he said he understood, but i doubt it...

i let him play the next game... we lost in the last inning because he threw to second (he played third) while the tying run went home from third... if he threw home, the runner was out and there would be two outs with runners on first and second... the second baseman dropped the ball so there was one out with runners on first and second, tied game, last inning, winning run on second... and then two other sometimes alert and sometimes sleeping players watched a fly ball drop between them as they stood in their respective positions in left and left center... these two have done this many times before and it was a mistake to have them in those positions... i didn't notice the other coach put them there in the last inning... my bad, being that i was coaching too... but watching the same players make the same mistakes and really not caring about the fact that the teams loses because they continue making the same mistakes is quite frustrating...

so we were done and went home... and this is why i don't coach... i get pissed off at prima donnas and lazy players... if you just want to play who-cares=if-we-win recreational softball (as i do in other leagues), then stop entering tournaments expecting to win... and they do expect to win, especially the ones with bad habits and big egos... they just don't listen and they just don't correct their mistakes... they think they are too good to take direction... and that's the softball wrap up for this month...

some fun, some frustration, good exercise... and in the end, the exercise is important so i keep going back for more...

narf too :}

i want you to read

there are entries floating through this month that i want you to read but i just don't feel like re-reading and linking them tonight so you'll just have to find them yourself is you are interested and care and all that jazz and if not, oh well, these catch up months can be quite ambivalent too... lonelier than usual, i suppose... wanting to share more and not having any real sharing going on... even as i spend more time with other people than i have in years what with jackson laid up with her healing foot so she's almost always home and depends on me driving her around for everything... and others, well, it's giving giving giving and i want some me time, and some serious nurturing would ne nice... though i am so very challenging to nurture... i know, but nobody knows the troubles i've seen and all that jazz too...

hungry but eating too much... eating out too much and spending way too much money... wish jackson would find a job that pays enough for her to pay her share, but at least she is giving some money for rent more consistently lately... a couple of years went by without anything and it drained a lot more savings than i'd have liked it too... wah wah wah, i could have changed things but i adopted her and so i'm not complaining... just whining cuz i'm lonely and want more than usual... needy?... not really, just wanting... you had to be there, actually...

other entries are a lot more amusing... or confusing, but in a subtle humorous way... at least to those who love me... and the very wise... and geniuses, geniuses love me... so you must love me, right?...

narf :)

entry after entry

as if each entry has something meaningful or even important to say, they keep coming... even when i am away, they keep flowing and even when they are uploaded long after they are imagined or written, they still appear here and in other blogs (in fact, they appear at times i would not even be online, so the time date stamp gods are rolling over in their heavens... or laughing)... that is the way of the babbler, the writer, the blogger, the one you've come to read...

and you are appreciated so much more than you know...

thank you :)

i really wanted to stay in touch

from the first people i knew as a young child through today, my intention and desire was to keep in touch... slowly but surely i learned to fail at fulfilling that desire and i realized the truth in the saying there are no perfect people, just perfect intentions... so i can make a list (and check it twice, even) of all the people i wanted to stay in touch with (and all the girls i've loved before) and i could even write a song about it and write blog entries or personal private letters to each and every one (as i used to do all those years ago) and without a path to send them on, they are just messages in bottles floating around the imaginary (or cyber) seas... used to be there were websites dedicated to those sort of rhymes and letters (until att deleted them)... and starting that garden (that used to be known as the garden of ones mostly in reference to the individual one on one communications the writings there were intended to be) just has not seemed to be a task i felt motivated to undertake (even when i had time), likely cuz i started so many times before and so rarely did anyone find my messages in bottles...

for most of this life i dedicated a few hours a day to writing... some of that writing time was dedicated to writing to people i wanted to stay in touch with and slowly or suddenly, people drifted away... i never completely gave up hope and still have hope to share memories and catch up and make some new memories, i just reduced the time and energy i put into the dream of possibly getting back in touch with all the people i wanted to stay in touch with and moved on to enjoy life without them... if you are out there, hope you find this someday...

imagine all the people, aye? :)

yeah, right... so

wonder how many times yeah right... so or some permutation of the same found it's way to the title bar of an entry among the many thousands of entries in the many dozens of blogs in the electronic online type-up sections of the written gardens, or before the computer was even invented, in fact... the concept, i mean the meaning of the message of the words probably dates back to the first sensient though, like omigosh whatever there is light... yeah, right... so?... seriously, somebody must have said it... somebody must have been the first cynic... the first realist... the first person in a long line of ford prefects... or is that arthur dents?... yeah, right... so?... maybe the dolphins are saying it as we speak... or as you are reading this, even... maybe we can ask this guy, or god, depending on your faith, or lack thereof... in fact, that could be the very phrase, the holy text from the atheist's bible when the possibility is proposed that one day they will be faced with the god they never believed in and with all the pragmatic rationalization they can muster say yeah, right... so... note the lack of question mark... it is a profound point of punctuation, or lack thereof...

watching the blonde crawl into the small opening of the cave from behind in tight shiney pants that accentuate the contours of her buttocks and her own small openings in pitch black brings to mind catherine zeta jones crawling under and around the light alarms with sean connery and us watching in entrapment but of course all the references to movies and books and epic five or six part trilogies that have not been actually mentioned by name aside, there are deeper question most people aggressively avoid and deeper conversations most people passionately push away and deeper truths most people tragically deny and deeper realities most people self-destructively suppress and are you gonna be most people or are you awake, aware, and alive?...

yeah, right... so the sci-fi channel is so entrenched in human fears, prejudices, and limited thinking that it barely scratches the surface if what science fiction can be...

believe it or not :)

on a semi-side note

it was about ninety-five years ago today the woman who adopted me when i was quite young and she was about thirty eight (at a time when thirty eight was middle age and over fifty was old and the generation gap was so huge people over thirty were not trusted by people under twenty, or twenty five, even) was born... she messed up a lot when it came to relationships and money and parenting skills and saw me more as a way to keep a husband (that did not work as he left within six months of my adoption) and be normal cuz a woman not being a married and a mother back then was considered very wrong... she tried, but just did not have the skills or strength to be sensitive or aware ... or alone... so she settled for insensitive and selfish men and sought unconditional love from a child... somehow i found my own way to sensitivity and awareness in spite of an environment so insensitive and unaware that it was repressive and at times, abusive... everything, including birthdays, were without real emotion, everything was so superficial and impersonal and disconnected that it was meaningless beyond the tradition... that is how it is when people do things because they want others to see them do it, because they care more about what others think than anything else... jackson is a little like that and i try to help her change and she has great potential and has awakened a lot over the years... and i believe she wants to in spite of her fear and resistance and self-defeating habits... if only everyone, or at least more people, would just listen and feel and stop being afraid, what a wonderful world this would be...

so happy birthday mom, wherever, whatever, whenever you might be...

narf :}

laughing all the way narf

life is much better with a giggle and a smile... and of course, perspective is everything... for instance, a previous entry raved on about music sharing and music lists and that leads to best lists of favorites and top 100s and judgments of quality, worth, popularity, and so on and without looking at the context and pool of information and people involved in a project, the list becomes quite potentially meaningless... for instance, when looking for a list of top 100 bands of all time, would you expect to see one direction at the top of that list?... yeah, audience matters when viewing popularity lists... ignorance keeps a page from being what it is... top 100 bands of all time as counted by page hits on this particular website who's audience is predominantly made up of people who have no insight into what all-time means seems like a much more accurate title for the particular example chosen to demonstrate the adage perspective is everything, not to mention life is much better with a giggle and a smile, aye?...

lol

lam

laa


narf :)

but who really gets it?

i mean, but who really gets it?... aye?... canadians?... star-crossed lovers?... it must, it must, it must!, ya know?... what must?... is must an imperative?... or a scent?... how much scent?... fity scent?... but what if no one smells it, did it have an odor?... back to the tree, and the previous entries, even, what do you make of all this (and if it is not printed on paper, can it be a book?... (e)book?... (e)thereal?...

i mean, but who really gets it?... dunno wha? dunno?... shto?... hi mila, milla, and millenia... shall we smirk?...

narf :)

lol


lam


laa


lal


...

are you listening to the stars?

but who really gets it?

i mean, but who really gets it?... aye?... stoic monks on distant mountain tops?... but who would know?... and if no one knows, how much does it matter?... what worth does the tree falling in in the forest if no one heard the sound?... what sound?... which sound?... all gobs chillin has sound... except the deaf, perhaps, but then, sound does not have to be heard, if you follow the message in this particular paragraph, blog, life, and universe... are you listening to the stars?...

something lost, something gained...

love music

love love love this idea and i think every musical band and performer should have the same sort of compilation link listing online with information cuz that is what creating music and songs is about, communicating, sharing, inspiring - not just about making money... and the fact that one of the most commercial groups (just look at how many greatest hit compilation albums and cds their record companies have put out) has not sued to take down the links page is a super yay... long live youtube and just as much, long live sites that use youtube to provide one stop compilations like a wiki for music or musicians or music... imagine, huh?... yes, everything should be out there, exposed, shared, cuz if it's not shared, it's just an illusion, a dream, a thought in your head... it just ain't real... even when a brother and best friend calls out another brother and best friend with truth (like calling out superficial selling out, perhaps)...

sometimes profound, sometimes delusion, human kind lives in a life of confusion... sometimes profound, sometimes delusion, human kind lives in an endless confusion... sometimes profound, sometimes delusion, human kind lives in a life of illusion... sometimes profound, sometimes delusion, human kind lives in an endless illusion... cha cha cha, la la la, da dee da da, la...

you never know when thinking might happen, aye?...

narf :)

endless begging

some people are like that... some dogs too... and some cats, but usually less often... this entry whines about dogs and cats, not so much people... but there are people like that too... all through the night, poor happiness begs... begging for food... begging for a walk... begging for scratching... begging for attention... begging begging begging... alas, and there is no end in sight... unless, of course, i fall asleep... if i appear to be sleeping (or am sleeping), dear happiness just might stop begging long enough to sleep...

nature is amazing, like the octopus that mimics dozens of other critters to fool potential predators... or the gunslinger frog shooting super glue out of it's eye at it's prey... or whomever... or whatever... wherever... however, it may be the way it is, heredity, even... then again, it may be learning... experience... life...

sleep would be good now...

narf...

the month that never ends

so many potential permutations of meaning on so many levels... but the first intended may be the reference to the table of contents for this month as the next month begins, yet the entries continue to be uploaded for this month as the catch up game is playing hardball this month... so not quite like the song, cuz it does not repeat as much and actually mostly likely will end eventually, probably, but still like it sort of... for anyone interested and i continue believing you are interested (all three point seven eight of you, maybe more) and the gazillions of imaginary fans hopelessly devoted to me (cue song... or is that queue song?... whatever, let the singing commence) and the ideals we stand for (and the dreams we sleep with... and i don't mean mila even though the bed still has a pillow with her name on it... amy too, even if she's fat and old now... fuck us all if we can't take a joke, aye?... alas, seems i need a new drug, a new libido high, a new number one again... applications can be found within)...

it is as simple as this or that in fact, in fact, it could just be as simple as wiki says, ummmm, ah, whatever they say... it could be that humanity is as insane as the portrayal in insane film or story, but the real world is much more insane, really... might as well end the world with a pie fight singing we'll meet again in seventy six part harmony, aye?...

narf :)

bittely bottely boo

whatever that means... i wonder if that title ever found it's way into one of my blogs before... would be an interesting supposition, circumstance, coincidence, or insight into the mind of the writer if we wanted to go there, explore, create, input...

thank you number five...

meanwhile, in (e)thereal, we are experiencing the month of the catch up, the month of the too busy to upload daily and yet still driving the words through the synapses and into the cyclotron of the babbler's mind, whatever that is...

you must remember something, even if it's not this, ya know?...

narf too :)

fighting the flu

at work... the strongest strain of the h1n1 virus, also known as swine flu, invaded our corporate family last week and we've been pushing it away in every way possible ever since the first case was diagnosed... with 700 staff and 1100 people served each day, that is not an easy task... with the most medically frail people in my care, that makes the challenge even more challenging... and having to direct the nursing response because the don is too inexperienced to take the leadership initiative when necessary does not make it any easier... so i pushed for more nursing response and made some nursing decisions myself and we tested all and isolated two who tested positive and sent one to the hospital as it hit her much harder and moved people from house to house to create an uninfected house and we hope for the best... the one who went to the hospital is not in good shape, it is a very powerful flu strain... we will test again at the end of the week... or maybe that already happened...

anyway, the two tested clean a week later and all tested negative so we made it through the worst of the flu... the one who was sent to the hospital is not in good shape and will likely be in the hospital for several weeks, at least... the frail people living in our homes still have extremely high risk as the flu season continues and we just need to be extremely careful with infection control precautions... complacency kills...

yeah, that's the work life these days... living on the edge... saving lives... and so far, staff are healthy... me too, though i feel the bugs trying to get in...

never give up, never surrender, aye? :)

this entry will come

like what dreams may come, perhaps, and until then, these two are available for further review... yeah...

words and music

more to follow, probably...

narf :)

the cat waits

for morning, in part, but more, for food... they sit impatiently waiting for me to decide it's time to wake up and feed them... of course i've been awake for hours and now want to go to bed, but the day calls out ahead and it's work work work for the next eight to ten hours, at least... maybe twelve, if today goes like most other days... first, a shower, then feed the kids, then walk happiness, then out to work... clean clothes are at a premium this morning, so i must do some laundry tonight... should have done it over the weekend but i forgot cuz i was busy, but i'll share the washer and dryer with jackson tonight if she is still doing her laundry... she is home all day, starting her third week of foot rest, so maybe she will be done by the time i get home... hopefully she will not sit around all day in a funk and she finds a way out of the funk she slid into last night... even more hopefully she will change her avoidance of responsibility habits as her financial irresponsibility is costing me a lot and putting us in an uncomfortable situation... ignoring bills is not the way to survive in this life...

and now, later

and the kaspersky still will not update the databases even though i shut down and restarted the laptop and i spent the past hours following all the instructions in the program and on the support website and i finally sent in a support ticket for whenever that's worth and then i updated windows vista and that is continuing (i had to press the power button because the shut down froze for twenty minutes) and kaspersky did not shut down properly and the computer has been a real time-wasting pain in the ass tonight... here's the kaspersky report:

I followed all the instructions on the fast track that lead me to this: http://support.kaspersky.com/us/fasttrack?pid=pure3&qafrom=l2080&qaid=2081 "Contact Support" page. I followed all the instructions on this page prior to initiating this support ticket. All scans found no threats. I've changed nothing on this computer in the past week. On Jan 10, 2014 the automatic database updates stopped. The Kaspersky Pure 3.0 software warned me that databases were out of date. I tried manually updating. The software connects, gets to anywhere from 2-15% and then stops. It appears to disconnect from the server. I sent a service report to you tonight. The databases are not updated. I've tried everything suggested on your site and worked on this for about three hours over the past three days, no change except doubling the cost of this product for me. I created a system report however the "view report" link remains greyed out. I found an old system info file by searching for it, but now the one created just now. I found a GetSystemInfo exe file and ran that. I am trying windows update now, but it requires I restart so I am sending this prior to restarting. I just want my databases to update automatically as they have for years and I did nothing to change or stop the process.

in case you are curious or have time to waste along with me... that was before the shut down freeze and program crash... so kaspersky has several system reports as i sent yet another after the computer rebooted... and windows update is still trying to download updates...

waking 2am

yes, there is a song that goes with that title somewhere in cyberspace... i check my phone for the time and realize i still have not received any email since friday and realize that i changed my password on friday (a forced change by the company) and i never changed the password on the phone so i try to remember the new password and after fifteen minutes of trying i remember the new password and enter it and in comes the flood of emails and i read and by then, i am awake and falling back to sleep was not happened (the perils of going to bed at 8pm, or earlier, even) and so here i am rambling on about it, whatever it is...

and in the living room i find happiness who wakes when i turn on the little light and i realize he has not been out since dinner so i put on a sweater-shirt and shoes and out we go and he does all he needs to do (and he needed to do everything) and upon returning from a long brisk walk (about 48 degrees outside) i see he has no water so i fill his bowl and he laps up water big time and he checks on jackson and finds her door still closed (she went to bed right after we got home from the appointment i drove her to because she was not a happy camper because her license was suspended for not paying a speeding ticket and she says she doesn't have the money for it which is odd as she hasn't given me money for rent this month, but... she does not do money well and my paying her way is enabling and i am struggling with finding a reasonable way to stop doing it but when i mention that to her as i did today she shuts down and literally buries herself under the covers behind closed doors and she didn't even take her dog in with her, not to mention she put herself to bed without dinner) so happiness returns to the living room again looking sad (he's walked into the hallway toward her closed door at least a dozen times before i went to bed and since i've been awake again because he's a dog and forgets he's been shut out of his bedroom bed) and he comes back out here and curls on on his living room bed again...

the kids are sleeping

and kaspersky is failing again... the software cannot connect to the server to update the database so it is flashing me with warnings... i tried updating manually, but the server is not connecting beyond 15%... reset, failure... annoying... distracting... and wishing you could hear the music doesn't help...

more a pity, the blog spiders or bots or whatever are not visiting today, or yesterday, and the entry i left out there for visits hoping it might get a little notice is getting none, alas... more than a week behind and i am losing everyone...

sleep would be good about now, before i actually get sad...

narf :}

and the kids wait up

yeah, home again to find the kids, happiness and curious, waiting up for mom... it is a struggle for happiness, the poor old puppy... he wants to go to bed so bad, he walks into the bedroom then comes out and stands staring at me... then lays down... sometimes i lay down with him for a little while and he smiles... that's repeated every ten or fifteen minutes until he finally passes out after midnight on his bed in the living room... and curious curls up on the couch beside me wanting strokes and scratches and reassurances... all the while i am looking to put my hands on the keys to write the epic words that will save the universe from human madness or at least save humans from self-destruction... yeah, it's a thing...

the tv is boring and distracting, so i put on music... and i wish i could just cut and paste a playlist into a blog so i can share the music i just listened to and the mix i just put together, but i do not know remember how to do that and i do not feel like researching and learning how to do that now... i should be sleeping and i would rather be writing and listening and loving the words and music flowing through the air and me... the mix, or playlist, is called bipolar love... it is thirty songs from diverse artists, mostly soft and moody and somewhat ethereal and though it starts out in angst and maybe even agony, it ultimately find a positive perspective (i think) in sound and tone and message... wish i could share it with you and... wish you could tell me what you think... and feel...

Sail - AwolNation
He Got What He Wanted - Gavin Friday
The One - Meg and Dia
Irvine - Kelly Clarkson
Only In Your Head - Marketa Irglova (Swell Season)
She Never Cried - The Telling
Eyes Closed - The Narrative
Falling Slowly - Swell Season (Once)
Heaven's Too Far - Meg and Dia
The Sound of Silence - Simon & Garfunkel
Vincent - Don McLean
Frozen - Madonna
Glory Box - Portishead
Amygdala - Frost
All I Want is You - U2
I Need to Be in Love - The Carpenters
Wonderful - Stone Temple Pilots
Only For Love - Meg and Dia
Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
Flying Solo - The Telling
Wide Awake - Milla Jovovich
Beneath Your Beautiful - Labrinth
Be My Friend - Milla Jovovich
In a Little While - U2
Wake Me Up - Avicii
I Still haven't Found What I'm Looking For - U2
Love is - Meg and Dia
Let Me Fall In Love - Marketa Irglova (Swell Season)
If You Can't Sleep - She & Him
Love Song - Meg and Dia

but i wish you could hear it... feel it and not just read the titles and artists...

another dinner out

almost forgot about this one, so more stuffed than ever (if ever is the past few months)... another yummy, another upscale joint... $28 buffet, i think... total almost $70... my treat for helena... so recently there was bay ridge sushi, macaroni grill, cafe gauguin at the rosen, elephant bar, red lobster, mimi's cafe, proccolino's (a couple of times), marco's (a couple of times), pizza hut (a few times... jackson loves the stuffed crust, though we are not big fans of pizza hut), kiki's, hoy yan, peking, kobe, sweet tomatoes, and a few others)...

i missed most of the football today and will probably miss most of tomorrow... more errands for others... for curly and for jackson... do i record it here to be thanks, appreciated, recognized, awarded, paid, or just to record the life i live so i know i didn't just sit around alone even if i die just sitting around alone... the latter, mostly... but hey, i won't say no to thanks, applause, or payments either lol...

narf :)

still awake, and thirsty

played the baseball game on the xbox that i bought for jackson to play to keep her from getting too bored while she sits home and rests her healing foot... i bought five games... in fact, i've spent several hundred dollars, at least, just this past week... somehow the holiday gift giving got extended cuz i didn't do much gift giving during the holidays... she got a really nice comforter set... several dinners... another xbox controller... the games... and lots of other stuff suddenly emptying my wallet and filling the sapce in our home... yeah, the xbox stuff we share, but it's still lots of spending... and then some... i love giving... so i love buying things to give... so i guess i love spending money when it's for gifts... but also, just the idea of trading paper for much more fun stuff, that seems to be somewhat appealing to me on some fundamentally simple level... the child in me still laughs at the adult world and longs for the simple life of living in a park...

yes, also thirsty... drank juice... pineapple orange banana... want more... so much sugar is certainly not good for the body and yet, i am somewhat quite addicted at times... and these days are one of those times... my lab work will upset my doctor, if i had one... if i had one who actually cared, that is... but enough bashing the medical industrial complex, let's get something to drink, why don't we... apple juice is yummy...

wish you were here :)

the panting dog

tonight the panting dog distracts and why, you ask, do i react, well perhaps because i can sense the dog will soon be the past tense... the sounds of congestive heart failure rise in the poor old puppy... the panting is just one sign... and jackson is away at her moms and it would be so sad if she missed his passing (but then, would she really be better off in the same physical space as her dead dog, her child of 14 years?... even if she didn't have a hyper-panicked fear of death, it would be rough, but how much anxiety can she stand, or would want to test herself with?... am i to decide?... nope, it's the roll of the dice... she goes away for a weekend and he tries to stay alive another few days hoping she comes back... and each passing month he pants a little more, his heart struggles a little more (especially after walks), and he seeks comfort a little more (so much now, alas, the poor baby)... it is not easy watching a family member grow old...

tail wagging slowly, he lumbers into the room after checking her bedroom, sniffing around, wondering where she could be and when she will get home... with virtually no concept of time and no concept of tomorrow, no less two days, he can only wait and hope moment to moment that the door will open and mommy will appear...

rest, old friend... lay your head down and rest... you will sleep and wake and sleep and wake and sleep and wake a few more times before she returns... we hope...

nite nite...

he longs for his mother

perhaps because i know that song he longs for his mother, the one he never had, the missing part of life that always makes him sad... he longs for his mother, she always seems away, yet deep within his heart when her song would play, she is as real as any dream we dream today... if god is real, then so is she... if love is real, then so are we... if truth is real, then so are you... and so is she, in all we do... it's the song for the mother, the mother he never knew, or something like that, i see the longing in his puppy dog eyes... wherever she's away, he fights sleep, he fights comfort, he fights to stay awake to be awake when she gets home... he doesn't know time, he only knows his longing...

he is a dog... a loyal dog... a faithful dog... a loving dog... he is a dog... a happy dog... for he is loved... for he is a dog... he is a dog... a dog nearing the end... on fourteen years now, she's his best friend... she is his mother, she is his world... when she's away he waits, longing, curled...

what can i say, empathy does not allow me to ignore the energy in the space... if you don't get that, well, you don't have to... after all, i am the only one who has to be me...

it's a narf thing :)

out to dinner

that would be the most used sign in the library of imaginary signs i might have had i decided i wanted a library of imaginary signs... treating jackson to dinner a few times a week after work because she is going stir crazy sitting around the house and not going for the cheap places either... ninety bucks one night... eighty bucks the next night... we need comfort and space for her foot, so we are not going to the economical places... yummy food, a little less down payment for the car... always a balance, yeah yeah yeah... and yes, the yummy matters a lot... on the other hand, eating less matters a lot too as i sense i may be reaching up to max weight again and that is not a wise path to take, so... slow down, don't eat to fast... wanna make this life last long... pigging out is not always the way, eating healthy is the groove now... who's old enough (or wise enough) to remember that one, aye?... lol...

so, to summarize... yummy, not thrifty, bloated, burp... any questions?...

narf :)

internet sharing

i mean, i've always been in favor of the song once in love with amy due to my own personal history, but she has me saying, really?... i mean, the internet lets you listen in on party lines, that is, for those who do not get the reference or those who have never used a phone connected to a cord in the wall, this modern cyber world we live in allows us to eavesdrop on people we otherwise would have never met... we get to see what's on someone's mind, we can read questions and answers someone leaves online which can give a certain insight into who they are or at least what they are interested in and what they want to know... sometimes it can get quite ironic... or well, what would you call it?, sad, even... i wonder what a review of my smatterings of comments on a specific website might suggest about me and my interests and personality... i mean, if you really wanna know (and have time), the blah indicates links to comments i've left, when i remember to copy the link... the rest are my blog entries and online writings in relatively chronological order, in case you didn't already know... i mean, as opposed to just links to most of my blogs...

yeah, so our internet sharings sure can give strangers a perspective of who we are that may or may not be anything like who we think we are... i can see the psychological studies coming down the line as time goes by (cuz it's still probably still the same old story, but we always want to test and measure and assess and evaluate and judge for ourselves, ya know)...

so we think before we share with the whole world?...

narf :)

it's not all nitrostudious douchebaggery, ya know

many minds are clogged with clumping dark matter, and i don't just mean negativity, i mean whatever dark matter is... we won't even get into dark energy at the moment, i mean, that could be dangerous... but caffeine, caffeine we will risk...

it isn't that we want to be facetious, we were just born that way... capricious too...

narf :)

the universe is not expanding and slowing down (and the earth is not flat either)

that's right, all of your textbooks are wrong... the universe is not simultaneously expanding and decelerating... the universe is actually expanding and accelerating... ashes to ashes, dust to dust, we are all made up of star stuff... is that what the writers of the most confusing and self-contradictory (or is that auto-contradictory?... we'll let the linguists debate and decide) book in the known history of human writings?... perhaps, but that is sad... to be so advanced in knowledge awareness consciousness and all that jazz that you lose the ability to simplify truths in language that a child can understand?... some gods you are... or were... maybe you were just passing through and didn't take us or your message as seriously as we'd like to think you did... is that what contact was suggesting?... well, hubble me this... if we are the center of the universe, then... why?...

do you think galaxies are gorgeous?... or is that just clever alliteration?... did anyone ever ask newton, sure, you can discover gravity, but can you really explain it?... yeah sure, tell it to the galaxies...

it is my hope that someday you'll all understand... dan fogelberg's too...

narf :)

lament has it's place

yes it does, complaining, whining, bitching, and other venting of negativity too... everything has it's place... and sometimes, it's a pretty amazing place, but sometimes, it's complaining, whining, bitching, and other venting of negativity too... and sometimes the place for complaining, whining, bitching, and other venting of negativity too is here in this otherwise amazingly optimistic lovingly positive blog... i am not sure just what i was possible going to complain, whine, bitch, and otherwise vent negativity too about tonight, but it must have been something... it's always something... maybe work, maybe home, maybe friends or life just asking for too much, maybe just not enough time for everything i want to do... still, so many people have it so much harder, so much more pain and suffering and hardship and limits... me and my first world problems are laughable in the big picture... still, there is a time and place for complaining, whining, bitching, and other venting of negativity too...

it's the balance... symmetry... consonance... and lots of other carefully crafted big words too, no doubt... it's not just pickle juice, after all... or forgetting to fast forward through the commercials while watching something on dvr, but that's worth a little grumbling too is suppose... supposing is futile...

la la la narf :)

days fly by

so much happens between sleep and sleep that awake becomes a blur... no wonder most people remember dreaming, it's so much easier to keep track of just one point of view... all the blazing interactions buying selling taking giving (though sadly so light on the giving)... as the cat stretches to try to reach the table where thing savory calls out... and the dog lays still, breathing shallow and fast, unable to rest or relax because momma is not home and the end may be near... will he ever see her again?... a dog's life is not always as wonderfully blissful as the saying suggests... sometimes it's pure agony... the waiting...

and i look up and find no entries for a week and more and i wonder, where did the time go?... where have i been?... does anybody care?... do i?... has anybody noticed?... why am i even wondering?... what does it matter?... have i violated the question mark limit yet?... humanity?...

sometimes i feel...

narf :}

filling it in

humanity?... still, this blog goes on as if i was writing every day, multiple times, this week, the entries appeared (weeks later, but don't tell anyone and anyone will never know... unless, of course, anyone reads this, and understand this, but that may or may not be a future possibility whenever and whenever may never be)... and it's one, two, three, what are we fighting for?... don't ask me i don't give a damn, that's an old song out of the blue from whenever that may or may not have anything to do with anything, anyone, or whatever... there are places i remember, after all...

but you know it ain't easy, being a human... and when you think of upgrading your car, why would you settle for anything less than the best you can afford?... and you may ask how can you possibly know the best you can afford?... heck if i know, why are you even thinking that sort of information would be here, anyway?...

it really doesn't matter if we're wrong or right, ya know?...

narf :)

oh, the humanity

i'm not sure i am human anymore... what?... wait... i used to always be sure i wasn't so when did i start thinking i was... i mean, for years i was kinda sorta trying to be human... ot was it behind the candoor?... remember when we started on another planet?... i mean, the world must have moved on somewhere cuz i just don't seem to get louis c.k. or dave chappell and yet they started out with jon stewart who i usually enjoy, except when he returns to his roots or something like that... i get lewis black more than louis c.k.... and what the heck is helix, anyway?... another zombie show?... a combination of lost, contagion, outbreak, resident evil and a series of others?... whatever, it's tv and it's in the background, so why is this entry here and not there?, aye?... in fact what genius?... after all, we could just what the news...

sometimes the neck just hurts and won't stop... sometimes eating stops it... sometimes caffeine... sometimes sugar... sometimes hot water... sometimes it just goes away on it's own... but sometimes it just won't stop... the ridiculous of tv (and movies too) is that young sexy women try to play brilliant scientists, super genius geeks, and hard nosed detectives and it just does not work... the mind will not stretch far enough to accept the illogical superficiality in spite of libido's drooling...

if you only knew what i was talking about, you might understand me...

narf :)

he's a brainiac

and who is milner?... he apparently has a foundation... stephen colbert did not mention him tonight, and he may even be a she, but we can assume whatever we want to assume, after all... could be all the superbowl excitement coming up... or the big bucks the google founders spend on braniac prizes each year... we put helmets on their head and padding almost every inch of their bodies then pay them mullions to go out and hit other people, the harder the hit, the better the show, after all...

heck if i know, might as well ask that sherman guy for football advice... you never said no before, right?... no?... oh... it is an amazing universe (and beyond) when you open your mind and let it in... i don't know why, but sleep is coming again... what do we want, an award?...

at least we are still working :)

bloat happens

so after expanding the stomach to it's maximum capacity and visually appearing to be in a third trimester of pregnancy (you think i jest?), i decide to have a midnight snack five hours later of chips and cheese seafood dip and chocolate milk... jackson made dinner and it was yummy, gorditas and i had four... or five... and some meatballs too, to boot... so i now have energy when i should be sleeping, as usual... so much work to do at work... so much work to do at home... so many people needing so much... no wonder i have been out of touch... la la la la la la la.... and so on.... wherever you are...


yes, four dots... the four dot ellipses, it happens too...

narf :)

no, seriously?

i mean, yes, seriously?... of course, and yet, everything is dependent on belief so what do you believe?... what you believe will come true for you... what you believe will be true for you... that's just the way it is... some things will never change... it's still the same old story... welcome back my friends to the song that never ends... step in side or move along... and the only changes going on are going on in me... and you... it's all just a matter of perspective... shhhh, if everyone knew that secret, there would be nothing left to do but enjoy it all...

space freaks live in nasa housing... and did you hear about tor? (neither did they)... but really, there is stuff even in the infinity or eternity (or so we might imagine)... there is so mch more to say and then, so much more than that to understand... if you were only here... or here, even...

wherever you are :)

still working

twelve hour days are the norm, but doing my best to leave early lately to give time to jackson at home, burning the candle at both ends, and what it you cared?... ah, of course you do, the few of you out there who read every word, in spite of your silence i know you do... i wish you were not so lost in your silence... i wish you were writing your heart on the web, your creative mind does not have to sleep there is so much more in there, i know i believe... and i won't give up on you (you hear me) i will not give up on you...

yeah, still at my desk working, still caring for you... still taking care of jackson, still caring for you... you are worth the effort, you are worth the time... you are worth the energy, you are worth the rhyme... no matter where i am, no matter who i'm with, no matter what happens, this is still true... i am still working for me, for her, for you and you always knew... no matter what else i might do, i will not give up on you...

la la la, narf too :)

remembering the giving

it was a good start to another year, yeah, i remember that much... most of my time was spent either at work or taking care of jackson, work being very needy in this first year i am there and jackson being even more needy the first two weeks after her foot surgery so there was no time for me or computers or internet or writing or anything of this sort so this is yet another entry inserted after the fact introduced by this introductory paragraph cuz the thoughts that follow were scattered along the windmills of my mind or somewhere like that... there are depths yet undiscovered in these scattered pages that began so many years ago when i could first hold a crayon and make words on paper... these days, these first weeks of this year, it's all about the giving...

never forget, never surrender, never regret, the fifth of november, never give up, always remember, the committment lost, the first of december, the committment made, the first of december...

loving the giving, still :)

yes, so, the flow continues

with and without the ellipses, though the ellipses are vital to the flow if you know what they mean... each one unique, all the same... it's enough to provoke thinking in the brain (oh no, not thinking... radical!)... i send you back and forth through time as much as i travel back and forth through time because that is all there is time for today... radical!)... maybe she understands... what?...

i want to write more, i have much more to say, but i don't have the time, tonight or today... i want to share more, i have so much desire, but i don't have the time, to put out this fire and i don't want to burn you, i've burned down to many forests already, the hunger's so strong and i don't want to eat you, i'm too fat already and the madness eludes me when the nights get too long so i leave you with this contemplative song...

think about it long anough and it will get contemplative... too long and it will get complicated... simplify as much as you can... if you really want to understand... please, let me sleep now, just curl up beside me, but don't block my breathing, go under my breath... sleep is the reason, safety in illusions, yet a dangerous place for it's so close to death... if i trust you enough to ask you to just let me sleep... i hope you don't kill me and will let me into my deep... i will be thankful when i am awake and if you are still there i will smile... in a little while these are promises we keep and i will ask, do you know your deep?... seriously though, don't be afraid, there are always the shallows...

yes, so, the flow continues...

narf :)

you say narf like it's a good thing

yes, with a smile, no less... at least most of the time there is a smile, though sometimes there is a narf of frustration or even ambivalence or another emotion (or non-emotion), but still, most of the time it is a good thing...

i wish i would have had something profound to say in this entry... i sense i will someday, so until then...

narf :)



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there is a strong sense, or scent, in the air that this is not finished...

was not really there either

yeah, like the last entry eluded, or something, mentioned, perhaps, i was not really there either but some old drugged up memories of times the world had an itch and the skin crawled with sensations so delicate and fragile that is scared the boys and girls so much they called it bad because they could not understand and did not want to believe it could be just as good as any other delusion they were told to believe in all their lives... innocence forgotten so forlorn and lost to conformity so sad and confused, refused, abused, diffused by fears infused with lies... that is the way it was and is, for those who are not aware... so afraid to care... so afraid to share... so afraid to be aware... so afraid to be here... or there... or anywhere...

meanwhile, the time passes by, or so it seems, if we could even begin to understand time... here and gone, there and gone, wherever it goes... this month was not meant to be recorded in real time (what?... realtime(tm)?... perhaps) so it drips and drabs and trickles, even... spurts, perhaps, is more like it... but not in any orgasmic way, unless you want to envision that sort of thing... your call, you are the reader, after all...

tic tic tic ... toc...

narf :)

are you tripping?

better yet, have you ever?... and best of all, life is a trip if you let it be, let it be a trip for you, life is a trip for me, for me, life is a trip so true, life is a trip - eschew... (bless you?)... jackson and i say bless you after one of us burp, i mean, in case you wanted to know something unique about us... the crew here can be odd and even interesting sometimes... i'll try to remember to let you know when that happens, m'ok?... some time this year i will empty some of the boxes stacked up in my bedroom and perhaps even bring the stuff down from storage, but who cares, right?... jackson does a little when she can, when she has time, when she wants to... anybody wanna take a road trip (or fly) to niagara falls to figure out how to get all the stuff in storage down here and where?...

lost time in the future and someday (soon, i hope) i may be sorting through the boxes here at home (so much to give away, but parting is such sweet sorrow)... flipping out is fun if you trust yourself...

this entry could have been so much better if i was here...

narf :)

i chose to sleep

and that's really where i've been when i was not writing here... the writing of the past three months has come at the expense of sleep... staying awake once or twice a week almost all night to let the words come pouring out felt as wonderful as it usually does, but each week the body was asking for more sleep and when it started begging, well, about that time the brain started demanding more sleep by shutting down thought procsses in mid-stream, or thought... thoughts flow in streams, and not just metaphorically... streams of electrons and molecules and chemicals dancing through the brain, thoughts... and when the brain is deprived of sufficient sleep, the flow breaks down, the sleep demand becomes the dominating thought, and what's left to do but fight it and die or give in and live... once again, i choose to live... it's my thing, do what i wanna do, ya know?... nyuking, are we?...

well, even after we review the before and the after, it truly was (as you know if you've paid attention recently) a good football weekend and sharing it with jackson made it much much more fun, just as (segue) nights are more fun sleep deprived, most of the time, but days are more productive wide awake and the way to be wide awake is to get sufficient sleep... i mean, drugs only work for so long before they kill you, ya know?... you remember, fight and die or give in and live, that's the way it is in the daily battle beftween sleep and awake...

you know, where we still remember dreaming?... thanks tink...

narf :)

another football weekend

perhaps... but before we get into that which already happened, we should review the before and the after and then explain that since jackson enjoys football even more than i do, we may have watched much football this weekend... or we may have been busy doing other things (but that was probably next weekend as her foot was still very much immobile this weekend... never mind the tenses, time is relative in blogging, remember?).... did the teams we were rooting for win, you might ask?... well, jackson has more personal commitment to some teams than i do as i have lived in many more places than she has and so i typically pick players i like and root for their teams... if i went by where i've lived, i'd be choosing from new york teams and san francisco teams and san antonio teams and orlando teams and miami teams and adding places i've enjoyed in my travels and have personal connections to i'd be choosing from seattle teams and denver teams and chicago teams and boston teams and even some other places... am i flip flopping too much yet?...

yeat, so anyway, so i choose favorite players cuz it feels more appealing for me... though seattle, san francisco, new england, and denver are currently teams i pick for the top four for football, i am a brady fan because he and his coach have pulled off some amazing seasons with different personnel... i want manning to win because he was discarded by his former team and that's just not right... i love the underdog and the castaways... i want to live in seattle (and toronto and san francisco) and if the weather was more tropical, i'd be there because i love the feel of each of those cities... but i love tropical weather more, so here i stay...

wherever i am :)