wish i got more sleep

as hinted earlier and perhaps stated more or less clearly many times over in blogs online dating back to the dawn of time, or at least the last millenium, but is becoming more true that it was much of last year when i had the luxury of time away from work, except for the responsibilities of animals that interrupted almost daily, the sleep is coming less and less as the holidays continue and the work life does not let up, but this week i must draw a line so i will not go in much tomorrow, if at all... and tonight i must find sleep somehow... and still so much other stuff fills my head (maybe tv will help distract... maybe facebook?... not tonight, no mood for that)...

a few hours ago i would have said in real time... now taking care of jackson and then heading out for a party cuz it's a party night... but now, ages later, what is there to say but still, i wish i got more sleep...

narf, even :)

out at the party

when we find ourselves asking ourselves (or something like this) how did this get missed? or this for that matter (what matter?... i dunno, whatsamattau?.. what's a matta you?... "i will catch up" he said... who?... what?... sorta, aye?... beyond all the aches, the pains, the aged parts... beyond all the mixed up madness and laughter and sadness and tears and happiness and flip flopping polarities... the links lead to secrets (look it up in the search box if you don't believe me) and when the party is over, the ones who remain are either the true friends or the drunks too wasted to go home...

yeah, life is like that... what?...

narf :)

sorta catching up

while the party goes on with me elsewhere, here, now (and then), as i was saying i will, and i am (sorta catching up, that is), though in mostly reverse sort of, past participles, or something like that... if you are looking for the real (e)thereal, that was two entries ago (linked just a moment ago, in case you didn't notice) and the prior dozen or so entries and the next dozen or more entries are catch-up fill-in all the doo dah day and night, even... it's a fun occupant of the time in the mind, a passion for words and the illusion of sharing, the promise kept even when no one is here, the magic the heart does when it is caring and la la la la la la la la la la and la la la la la la la la la la and la la la la la la la la la la and la la, la-la-la, la la la la la... when life is a song it is beautiful even if there is only silent harmony... the best we can do is sing it alone and continuing hoping... hoping... hoping... you'll share it with me...

the point is (what i mean is, we're all tangled up puppets, after all), continue...

zoink, boink, poit, zort, and narf :)

work, jackson, party

note the lack of sleep in the three word summary of what has occupied my time for the past few days or more... i did sleep in spurts here and there, but not in a sleep mode, in a quick-flash rest mode like when there is a reason to continue pressing on day after day as much as possible without pause... heading out to a party in a few hours and jackson will be heading to sanford's place where sanford will nurse her (though she is not as needing nursing as she was the past four days so sanford, who is recovering from surgery herself, should be able to handle it... though i am getting the sense that she doesn't want to anymore, alas)...

work has been busier than ever and with most managers out, i am covering for everything 24/7 and feeling the fatigue mounting, especially this past weekend, and i may be repeating myself (brain?... are you there?)...

go party hearty me mateys...

narf :)

in the final hours (of a year)

at least by one calendar, the final hours of a year are happening as this entry is time date stamped and the month that was the last month of this year was to be eighth or ninth or tenth in the rankings for number of entries per month and then, as if by some holiday miracle or munchkin speech, a minor flood of entries burst forth from the depths of the barrel as the energy waned to near comatose proportions and the language rebelled to product entries such as these, semi-descriptive jibberish meaning only some thing to some few who might care to ask or understand what might be going on in the mind of the writer and the statistics of the meaning of counting entries, for whatever it's worth, and keeping track, no less... we have many a river to cross, dear wise ones, and we are all prisoners in disguise, so to pretend it's alright now without truly comprehending the awareness of the reality of the consciousness of being all right now, well, it's a farce played by fools every day...

but sometimes, in the wee hours, it happens just like this...

whatever it is...

narf :)

working on the holidays

so far i've worked every day of these holidays as if they were not holidays in part because i gave all of my key managers two weeks off and in part because i want to set a tone for the staff and demonstrate by being there that i am there to take care of things... and today was no different as i filled in for all of my managers and directors and still made time to visit with the clients and the staff cuz that is what a good administrator does... tiring, but the payoff comes in loyalty and dedication from the staff which turns into better care for the clients which is my primary mission... still, i will be most please to see my directors and managers back on the job...

pushing the mind and body is nothing new for me, though this is another stage (and another age) of life that brings with it new challenges for the body and mind... the eyes tired more easily so 14 hour days are not as simple to simply continue doing and the body recovers more slowly so the long days for weeks on end drain the energy stores and after three months with the biggest drain coming in the past two weeks (and another week ahead), the time for recharging fast approaches...

a fine way to close our another year on the standard calendar... doing what i love (and so much of it, i am good tired)...

hope you are doing what you love too :)

i will catch up

sung to the tune of i won't grow up... i will catch up (i will catch up), i don't wanna be behind (i don't wanna be behind), as if i was never here to (as if i was never here to) share the thoughts within my mind (share the thoughts within my mind)... if catching up means being here as if i was never not really here, i will catch up (will catch up) i will catch up, yes me...

yes, so what i mean is, i will catch up on the days that follow (being five now, from the date of this entry) and may we share the smile that catching up can bring... yeah, so anyway, the words start flowing through the fingers to the keys and on to the screen and the disk for safe keeping (as safe as computer hard drives can bem i suppose... did someone say back up (back up?), oh yeah...

i will back up (i will back up), i don't wanna be a fool (i don't wanna be a fool) who loses all his data (no don't lose all the data) cuz that would be so uncool (yes it would be so uncool)... if backing up means i might be remembered in words for all eternity, i will back up (will back up) i will back up... yes me...

huh? lol lam :)

i want to share more

but people do not seem to know how to share... fear and insecurity lead to greed and suspicion that produce delusion and confusion and prejudice and paranoia that narrows the mind and builds energy walls that reduce the ability and will to share... i welcome anyone to come forward without the walls... i wait alone...

i've built some of my own walls in my own way, more like moats in many ways, for i see and remain open while most others go blind, shut down, and seem to forget what is beyond their walls... so much so that they are startled and defensive, even the the point of aggression, when anyone slips through a crack enough to show them others are out her and their walls make them so very weak and pathetic and vulnerable and insignificant... and occasionally two or more find a mutual leap of faith beyond their wall to create a bridge of illusion often called love... from intimacy to friendship, that bridge is built under the pretense of trust and the lie that it is indestructible... i do not wish to build anything on pretenses or lies ever again... and i remain alone...

working to keep the emptiness at bay, filling life with so many responsibilities and obligations to others that there is barely any energy left for the longing that lives deep within, the longing to share more... giving my time to others as much as possible in order to leave as little time as possible to reflect on the longing that lives deep within, the longing to share more... so well distracted, almost forgetting the longing that lives deep within, the longing to share more...

narf? :}

home not alone

with jackson stuck home off her feet due to the foot surgery for the past few days and another few weeks, almost all of my free time has been nursing her, especially the last few days as the pain has been rough on her... the first night she slept through narcotics and the residual nerve block and anesthetics, but the second we night called the doctor for an adjustment to the meds as the nerve block and anesthetics wore off and before we upped the dosage of the narcotic i wanted to talk to the doctor... he called back (saturday night i suppose he expects calls when he does surgery on fridays... nice guy) and we adjusted meds (he wrote a script for something stronger and i went out to a 24 hour pharmacy) and jackson finally got a little sleep but i barely slept over the weekend and the zombie state is where i am living through the catch-up fill-in entries that have been flowing the past few days or longer...

the next entry was the real-time consciousness (and feeling) this week (and way beyond, but the feeling of wanting to share more surfaced a lot this weekend as i nursed jackson and took care of the kids (happiness and curious) and and gave and gave and gave and the year comes to a close with me back to what i love to do most and maybe what i do best, giving unconditional love and all the energy i can to others...

someday my princess will come?... or something like that... it is still a wonderful life...

narf :)

lots of football

yes, the college bowl games are on every night and the nfl playoffs will fill the weekends and that's the way it is around here... and we are rooting for the home team (ucf, jackson's alma mater) as they make their first appearance in a bcs bowl (in the last year of bcs bowls) and while nobody gives them any chance (17 point underdogs) we have hope, however delusional that hope may be... really, there's a chance... but they've got to play hear perfect and that they haven't done all year... though they are 11-1 and they do play up (or down) to their competition so anything is possible...

the best is yet to come :)

long days at the office

rapidly becoming my home away from home the only thing keeping me from staying longer is jackson who needs lots of help at home cuz of the foot surgery she had last week... as much as i give, i am lucky to have her around cuz she helps me remember to balance life with work... though we both need to improve our eating habits and exercise habits and other habits, she also brings wonderful green habits (as in tree hugger) to my otherwise semi-ambivalent life... so while work is absorbing most of my energy these days, i am making a bit more time for home this week...

working from home, that is... still have the work to do between waiting on jackson...

it's a wonderful life :)

as the year winds down

as if it was some sort of spring, in winter, no less... even though i am working every day through this holiday period, even though i was offline and away from the computer and who knows what else when this moment actually passed... even though nobody might ever return to this entry and find it and read it and care... i ponder the point of this sharing, this blog, this writing, this caring, this not sharing, perhaps, this longing to share...

as the year winds down, i am here...

narf :)

just cuz i wanna

put another entry here, that is... just cuz i wanna give you another opportunity to click into the unknown, the wonderland that is the next entry and the magic you may create in your reading, in your imagination, as if you knew me and knew what i was talking about... as if you cared...

i believe you do, just cuz i wanna :)

blurs and boos

the boos being the uncooperative insecure over-her-head director at work who i'd hope i'd never have hired even though she puts on a really great show... she doesn't see how she undermines client care and creates dangerous situations by causing conflicts to protect her insecure ego and distract from her lack of leadership skills...

the blurs are pushing the hours doing everybody's job (cuz most managers are off for the holidays, though the most time consuming part of my work is doing the uncooperative director's job... something's gotta give...

still, overall it's a wonderful world... even at work... even with the human infestation... even alone...

narf :}

some days i feel bad

not sure if this was one, but some days the body and mind just hurt and hurt, headache, neckache, earache, ache aches... and whatever the cause, i have to pause to survive... and sometimes i don't pause that is, and i wonder how i stay alive... how many years have i lost and what other cost am i paying for pushing myself on and on and on further toward more doing more for others, i wonder if this was one of those days... or nights...

having fun in spite of it all...

narf :)

so busy busy busy

working working working and it's dull dull dul around here... around here... around here... but work is not dull and it might not be dull around here if i had more time to share but i don't so i won't and that's just the way it is... loving the busy busy busy cuz i am loving the work work work and the life waits for another time...

except for jackson, who is still being waited on hand and foot (literally)...

cuz that's what love is, family, ya know?...

narf :)

did you miss me?

actually, you may have not even known i was gone cuz i was not here when this moment passed and and even if no one ever responds posterity knows... the message is clear... the moment is now... and we are here...

it doesn't matter unless we want it to... i want it to...

so it does...

end of month drivel

cuz we so want to set records for numbers of entries cuz we so love the numbers and the games numbers play cuz we have that sort of mind that loves the words and the numbers cuz it's fun cuz it's fun cuz it's fun (so we'll have fun fun fun till the time takes the month away... or something like that)... for those of us who love to read, for those of us who love the words, for those of us who are craqzy about the babble (for the birds) for this is what we have right here for i was sleeping in reality for i was working every day even though it was a holidee...

ummm, ok...

narf :)

foot and home disease

well, sort of... spent the day caring for jackson and her foot, post surgery... it's been hurting a lot... enough so that finding a comfortable position was nearly impossible and i called the doctor this evening to discuss what we can do... he instructed me to cut away some of the bandage to relieve pressure, to do a few other things, and to pick up another pain med he is ordering through an all night pharmacy... hope her insurance covers it...

on the more annoying front, i found the monthly rent/utilities bill for the apartment on the fridge where jackson left it and to my surprise, the monthly rent was increased by more than $70 for this, the last month of our lease... is that even legal?... i called the office and told them i will be contacting an attorney to see if raising rent before a lease expires is legal... it was also a lot more than the offer the manager made, which pissed me off enough to head to apartment ratings dot com where i found this place is recommended by only 20% of those rating it (of course the site does attract a lot of complainers)... i decided to lower it's rating to 19% with a complaint of my own... we shall see if they monitor the site... the better community management actually answers the people who review the communities on that site, but i have not found anyone from management there - unless the two good reviews they got for this year were management (sure sounded like someone who worked here)...

anyway, i am tired... need sleep... hope jackson can sleep through the night...

narf...

the evening of the babbler

which was technically fully in bloom last night might still be going on, given sleep and some stimulants from without and out there in the world beyond these eyes that see you all right now, or whenever we get here... don't bother rushing to put on any clothes, we're among friends... and if you want the benefits, well, we'll have to negotiate with libbo and friends... there has not been, at least no to this point, an explosion into other blog spaces or the babbler burial grounds (see the faq, or ask me to write one), but there has been a steady stream of entries in this supposedly daily life blog that has spanned almost 36 hours (or maybe more) and it could have easily been more, but i am being conservatively generous in distributing the spread of the entries throughout the space time of this blogosphere... it's a matter of trust, and some minor editing and publishing skill...

there may be a pile of trash in the wake of the evening of the babbler, the past few dozen entries might be proof that the babbler should have remained in past or before that, even, but it would be nice to know i still have something, if not all of it (not the scary it but the incredibly irresistibly, momentary bliss of it, the magic moment, the awareness fulfilled, the understanding of it all)... so it is a matter of trusting the instincts, trusting the self, and trusting the communication we can share... don't try to take over, just assess, observe, ask questions, and learn to improve productivity and moral, for starters...

this may be continued, but then, that's what all the babbler say...

narf lol :)

there may be more

entries, that is... written in the real time of tomorrow, that is... but the evening of the babbler (oh, not isn't that a title begging for an entry... and that's how it works so often in these gardens, but that's a technical aside for another time, and blog, even) continues on into the night as the clock passes the midnight and the time and date stamp are baffled by bravado and buffoonery of the babble... no tv, no music, no nothing, just the flow of the words through the fingers, just like the olden days (and who remembers?)...

but the semi-truck sized semi-sad truth is, many of the blogs slide into dormancy and relative silence due to lack of interest, i mean, nobody even knows some of them exist and so rarely do any get any sort of sign of real readership, no less appreciation and external value... there is value for me, so they remain and i occasionally visit and write in most of them, but strolling through the gardens can be such a lonely journey when i am in the mood to share (so i tend not to go when i am in the mood to share and then no going becomes a habit and dormancy follows and it is too easy to forget they don't exist cuz, after all, they don't appear to matter to anyone but me...

still, there may be (and likely will be) more entries and more blogs cuz that is what i do, for pleasure, for pain, for sunshine, for rain, for the continuing struggle to not go insane (re-worked to an old rhythm and stolen melody by this guy, or something like that) as i continue to strive (or stride) to actualize the impossible dream, going it alone, through the storm with my head held high, even...

it's not the end, ain't over till it's over, and surely, you didn't has to call me johnson...

narf :)

still loving every minute of it

not just the nudity, but the power of passion and honesty... truth is overwhelming, usually in a good way... and that is what is more than we asked for on the job... people are coming into my office and thanking me, praising me, blessing me, even... the older folk are using words like integrity, character, and (some other highly respectful older word that inspired a big smile inside)... the younger folk do not seem to express it nearly as openly or candidly, but they are smiling a lot and going out of their way to say hello, which is a very good sign... the boss is praising and thanking me too and she is telling me the ceo and others are hearing great things about me from all through the company, so it's a party in my pants... or rather, in my head and i am, yes i am, loving every minute of it)...

poor curious wants to cuddle and be rubbed so badly and i gave her some, but the babbler wants to babble on so badly tonight (and badly he does, no doubt) and jackson is home for a change so i am encouraging her (curious) to go sleep with momma (though she is nocturnal, cuddling with momma would help them both... as long as she doesn't get too selfish and needy and wake momma, that is)...

it's a wonderful life lately... whyever did i stay in that dysfunctional place for so long (cuz i am part martyr and not a quitter, but we knew that... it's a rhetorical question, after all, hence no question mark)... if only there was someone who could and would share it all, it just might become perfect...

sweet narf in the morning :)

it's more than we asked for

the job, the number of entries, the missing pieces of the puzzle of my past (and present, for that matter... it's all about love)... and today, more than we asked for, whatever may be happening later on... the car?... hopefully the rental has been turned in, but my guess is that i will pay for another few days, or week, because the plans never did actually happen cuz it just was not anyone's priority... and jackson's car may come back sometime today, but when is uncertain as sanford drove it back to her house rather than leave it here and have me or someone else drive her back to her house... can we smell possessiveness?... she either did not know i was going to start using jackson's car or she does not want me to, so i cancelled ride to the rental place for the morning and that may mean another $200+ out of my pocket cuz jackson rarely had time to drive me car shopping in the past six to eight weeks and i did not ask anyone else to... kinda baffled as to why jackson did not make time though... and kinda hurt too, considering all i do for her and how much it's cost me to rent the car (not to mention how much it's cost me to live with her)....

oh stop whining, she is the friend she is and i have no right to ask for or expect any more... in so many other ways and paths in this life i find more than i ask for and it is that and there my focus should and shall remain... the positivity... the perspective... the power to create a smile...

it must be getting late, the earwax is calling...

narf, aye? :)

challenging the bots

or something like that... in a rash and ridiculous attempt to raise the stats and therein possibly make them even more meaningless than they might be already at this point in the development of the internet and blogger at google, i decided to initiate a babbling blogging session that is pouring out entries at a potentially obscene rate (where?... i don't see no xxx rated photos?... feel free to send some in though, if you've got them... selfies are most welcome) and so far there have been many, uncounted, in fact, entries loaded in the past few hours or less that span the eternity of cyberspace, or at least the last and next 24 hours (twelve and twelve?... really?... wow, memories of blogathons past {see blogathon entries by searching for the word in the search box, i mean, what?... do i really have to do everything for you?... really?... well let me know when you want to take a bath then, especially if you are a libbo fantasy... oh mila, if you only got all the jokes... and naked... and here... jenna too... and at least a few of tatiana's odd characters... some others can apply, but not many... see libbo at the door before coming down, nyuk nyuk...

sometimes visitors increase when the word sex is included...

narf :)

with curious curled up sleeping at my side

we had the choice of shouting high ho silver and riding off into the night (in our dreams) or we to be or not to be the one who babbled on as the the night strolled sweetly by and the entries, all evening they flowed, too us all on a magical ride... or at least a relatively profoundly possibly meaningless distraction... better than a meaningless complaint or a leaky anus, for that matter... no, but seriously all joking aside, would you rather discuss cause for the need for feminine hygiene products or the cause for the need for hemorrhoid products at the dinner table?...

depends on what is being served...

badump dump (running away)...

narf zoink lol lam lal laa la la la :)

you might have thought we gave up

but not as long as there is chocolate and mountain dew in this great land, no, we shall never give up, never surrender, and all the cliches you never remembered in this last few days of december while we ponder weak and weary knocking on your chamber door, will you open?...

some questions only you can answer for yourself... wouldn't want to go putting anything into your mouth that you don't want there, after all...

it's not always about sex, ya know?...

narf! :)

it's a little bit funning

about this feeling inside... it's one of those that just tingle and mingle with all the fun of the fair and maxed out possibilities of the infinite imagination, not to mention the high art of babbling... it's a self-mocking pill-popping disk-jocking floor-mopping joint-rocking wet-sopping space-docking butt-plopping phenomenon, the kind of zen excitement that only a true buddha might attain with a bit of the wacky weed and some native north western hemisphere peace pipe-smoking not-joking penis poking out of your pants not included, or were those batteries in your pocket?...

gives a whole new meaning to eveready... or duracell, for that matter... but it really doesn't matter if i'm wrong or right once i find where i belong, and though i still haven't found all i'm looking for, there is a place in this world for the madman who cancan... cancun?... perhaps a nearby island or inlet... you really ought to have paid more attention so you would have gotten the whole of the joke, cuz then you would not always hear you had to be there (and that's what she said, aye?)...

stop in the name of love... otherwise, keep moving, nothing to see here...

narf :)

entries flow, people go

not that we are all bored or disinterested, but sleep calls every last one of us sooner or later and like a waterfall in a bicycle shop, everybody doesn't always like to get wet all the time, so if i fell in love with you, well, you know... and if you don't know, i probably wouldn't anyway... it's that matter of trust again, as it always is, in the end...

it's always something... and the long line of lonely people, wherever they might come from, fall in step with the band as the leader sings the song we all can feel... the song that never ends...

always making friends...

the cat comes a calling

curious abandoned her mom again... she is a nocturnal cat, probably because she lived with babies and dogs for so long, she learned to hide under the bed when the rest of the living beings in the house were awake... here, she has me quietly on the couch at night and jackson and happiness fast asleep and i just so happen to come with the added bonus of loving and easy hands that are seduced into rubbing and scratching this sensual little pussy almost every night...

you so did not just read what i just wrote, did you?...

oh let your mind drool in the gutter if that's what get's you through the night (whatever), but i meant curious, and she knows it... and you do too, when you aren't teasing yourself... go dust the wind if you must, but remember in the end it's just a matter of trust...

narf :)

it really was no miracle

not a tornado, neither... or niether, for that matter... spelling is just another way people avoid the content... no wonder the writer is so discontent... we are living in a time of discontent... grunge said so...

we really do not want you to bring out your dead... not no way, not no how...

meanwhile. we just put jackson and the kids to bed and i hope happiness does not do any damage tonight... we did not give him a benadryl... we did give jackson an endocet (generic percocet), so she might wake up spinning and blurry, at least... i'm not a big fan mostly cuz the last time i did not enjoy the side effect of blurry vision... maybe i have borderline glaucoma... sure i would love me some medical marijuana, but i don't want to get cancer or something to qualify... how about for anxiety?...

really, it wasn't nothin'...

narf :)

knock three times

i have no idea how or why the flow of associations (cherish is still a word, ya know?) gushing through the preceding and possibly following entries is coming from )or going, for that matter), but it's certainly an interesting (captivating?... enticing?... intriguing?... scintillating?... scattered?) string theory, even for non-physicists... maybe especially for non-physicists... then again, the romantic physicist just might get a bog bang out of the whole thread... don't go breaking my pun (or punishment, for that matter)... you are what you calculate, after all...

something for everyone, that is what we offer... almost... if there is nothing in the thousands of entries here for you, well then, you just have not looked hard enough... there are other blogs you know... some of which i did not even write...

oh be still my heart, i hear you knocking...

narf :)

what kind of fool am i?

how many times has that one been done, as a title in this or any of my other blogs, no less... every kind of fool there might be when it comes to love (what?), i shall be the fool giving unconditionally till the day i die (and it might kill me yet, even though i am careful)... it's a wild ride through life when living a love affair with love...

it costs more, but it might be much healthier to buy the mini-bottles of the dew and other drinks because it just might be the best way to limit my sugar intake and though it can (and does) happen at any time at any age, this body is approaching that age when diabetes and gout and thyroid and kidney and other issues can pop up due to a lifetime of sugar indulgence... it's way beyond a sweet tooth, it's a hormonal addiction... a physical addiction... a cosmic addiction... did i mention it just may be an addiction?...

what?... you never saw someone suddenly change the subject when love was involved?...

narf lol lam lal :)

don't go breaking my heart

not my achy breaky heart, either... dole's pineapple orange banana juice and mountain dew make for a sweet and tangy and tasty smoothie... and it's stirred, not shaken... not even stirred, actually, more like swished... you know, when you just move the cup in a slight circular motion just enough to move the liquid and ice cubes around bit not enough to raise the liquid level over the lip of the cup, swished... might even be called swirled in come circles... in some circles, get it?... i don't know why alyssa milano just came to mind... maybe it was the way she said get it? after a bad pun... anyway, anybody want to get to the heart of the matter?...

not really, but the hung jurors tend to break my heart when the pressure is on... too many of them just quit and sulk, alas, but that won't be until next year so what's all this about heartbreak just now, anyway?...

it's a conspiracy, i tells ya, a conspiracy!...

narf too :)

an evening of entries

spreading the entries out over the day does not change the fact that they were all written after i got home from work and went shopping for jackson and fed everyone and did everything jackson needed (cuz she had foot surgery and can't be on her feet for a few days (and will be on crutches for weeks and can't drive for a month and it's pay back time for the month she took care of me when i broke my foot last year so don't be fooled by the datetimestamp (or at least not the time stamp) cuz it's after bedtime now and being a friday with no plans for work tomorrow (just jackson care), i am feeling buzzed about babbling (could also be the munching and caffeine and chocolate i've been consuming) so it's gonna seem as if i've been writing entries all day about this and that and whatever else might come to mind...

i know, it doesn't get much more exciting than this... whatever happened to craig ferguson, anyway?... probably still on the air, i just don't watch much other than sports and dvr'ed stuff and i haven't gotten into dvr-ing him... but his love affair with mila kunis is not what brought either of them to mind tonight, it was something quite random i almost forgot... i know...

we can dance if we wanna...

narf :)

scratching dog

he's going nuts tonight... is it emotional because his momma came home after being away most of the week?... or is it an allergy to the pizza crusts he ate tonight... he was not scratching the past week, in fact, tonight is the worst scratching i've seen in a couple of months or more... did he get into an ant mound outside?... i am leaning toward the pizza crusts... maybe he is allergic to breads or certain grains... or tomatoes... or something... or maybe it's the worms getting worse (jackson said he has worms... his poops are definitely greasy slimier than usual lately... she didn't get him anything for that though, in fact, he hasn't had his canned food or treats in more than a week... not sure if she was too busy or ran out of money dues to xmas shopping... he needs to lose weight so it's actually good that he eats only the dry food and no treats and less food, in fact... but he's definitely scratching up a storm tonight)... i had to stop him from nipping at his legs for the first time in months... he's opened sores before and he's acting like he might again... i may get him a benadryl in a bit if i an find them...

he's definitely a pizza hound though... and a food junkie... i know, most dogs are, but he takes it to a new level... he would eat himself to death on people food if we let him... and he's way too old and been on a special diet for too many years to use the old eat till you get sick trick on him... jackson has spoiled him rotten when it comes to getting a table scrap and since he's been on his special kidney diet he's become a serious beggar... but his itching, that we must stop or he will draw blood...

domesticated animals are such delicate kids sometimes...

narf :}

titles in the first lines

we coulda known and shoulda been and woulda too if we only knew and we wanted to too... if we were two...

now that woulda been a long and oddly interesting, obscurely profound, possibly intense title for anyone in or about a relationship that did not quite make it, or perhaps just a semantic play on the homonym to too two et tu, brutal, aye?... but as a wise woman once sang, weep no more for history...

we should all listen to wise women...

narf :)

what i meant was

referencing back to this entry (sort of), what i meant was the stats devils, the spam bots, the spiders and tigers and bears (oh my) that scour the internet looking for whatever they were programmed to look for and every now and then they find this blog and the stats jump like hot tamales in cartoons... or something like that...

more importantly, you could, after all, get a whole lot more involved (and i could, after all, make the linkage paths a whole lot easier, right?)... but that's ok, whatever it was... you coulda been a contender, after all, you are what you want to be... sometimes i want to give up... sometimes it don't...

narf too :)

cuz i said i would

i did... yeah, cuz i said i would put the dishes away and load the dishwasher again, i did... even though i should be sleeping, i did... even though i may have a headache by the end of the day tomorrow, or earlier, i did... even though it woke up the kids and curious is sitting next to me telling me i will not be left in peace if i lay down and try to sleep and happiness is sitting and staring as if it is morning and it is time to eat and go out for a walk, i did... even though i am alone and doing most everything for everyone and getting so little in return, i did...

i need to go shopping for presents for jackson cuz i did not get more than a few and she does the whole xmas presents thing and i love the giving and the sharing and so on... saturday or tomorrow night, perhaps... so little time... sunday is the visit to curly again... so much gas... so little time... wah wah wah...

lonely nights are here again (la la la)...

narf :}

curious says wake up

the moment i move, she is in my face... sometimes farting butt first (disgusting, but it's a cat thing i suppose)... maybe it's a sexual thing for animals to want their butt sniffed or rubbed... the best she gets is above the tail scratching or pressure, but not when she wakes me and not when she comes at me butt first... then she gets pushed away... but for the moment, she is in the way trying to make it impossible for me to sleep... luckily, i am a lot bigger and can push her away... sometimes...

damnit cat, it's the middle of the night!...

narf :}

just as i say it

either it or the opposite of it usually happens... in fact, every single time, yes, absolutely, just as i say it either it or something else always happens... it's phenomenal, really... supernatural, even... meanwhile, there are some pathetically overrated quarterbacks in the world and it usually shows when they are asked to play against quality opponents... romo, the guy from northern illinois, cutler, ryan, flacco, and plenty more... they can get lucky and their team can get on a roll now and then, but consistency against quality defenses?... not even close...

but that's beside the point... just as i say blogger and google hate me and are blocking access to the blog creation tools cuz i maybe slipped (filling?) a dozen or more entries into this blog tonight, the path to the blog tools and list of entries and stats and all open up like the red sea supposedly opened for the moses gut... who needs tablet, just say it, it will either come true or it won't...

every time...

narf :)

perhaps ridiculous

the flurry of posts at times, that is... so full of myself, and yet, so flurry of floundering fodder for fools... meandering meanings make for much amusement at times, at least for me, but the mind muddles the messages more often that not for the average mind, or so i am told by average minds (how egoladeeda of me, ahe?... new words, there's a sure sign of meandering, at least)... watching (sort of) northern illinois play utah state in a bowl game... if i recall correctly, utah state lost their championship game so somebody not so great and yet upset stanford, a top ten team, ruining a perfectly wonderful season for stanford and northern illinois lost in their championship game to bowling green (who lost in the previous game to pitt, who barely made it to a winning season by winning that bowl game), so there is reason to believe all four of these teams are flukes and not so really good... should be an easy win for northern illinois, and yet, maybe there is some eliteness to the utah state defense...

the real reason for the flurry of posts is often different from time to time, but one of the more often reasons, spoken or unspoken, is loneliness... wanting to share with nobody here so i write some words for you and me and anyone who might care out there anywhere... it's something to do with the time, la la, even if all the words do not rhyme... the most obvious reasons (to me at least) is to keep the brain breathing...

narf :)

nodded off, almost

was sliding into that sweetest of all sleeps, the one that comes along without any planning... and no headache and no neck ache and nothing wrong and everything sweetly comfortably right... and the phone rings... work letting me know one of the clients returned from the hospital safely... that should have happened a few hours ago, but i was not gonna inquire so i just thanked the nurse and will check the notes tomorrow...

woke up enough to put the cake away, drink some milk, put sanford's wash into the dryer (and her dried stuff on her bed) and come here to tap the keys a bit more... curious took the opportunity to climb around me begging for attention... i'm gonna have to wake in a while to take happiness out anyway, so maybe i'll just stay up... unless that sweet sudden sleep comes washing over me again when i sit back and stare at the game on the tv...

this is one of those fascinating unplanned entries, are you fascinated yet?...

narf lol lam :)

comfort food heaven

it's later than it seems, and later than this entry is time stamped, but there's more to come later so never mind the stamp, the play's the thing as we are in comfort food heaven...

almost, i mean, a few comfort foods is not quite heaven cuz it can't be a heaven when some comfort foods are missing, but some cheesy sloppy joes with cheese bread and chips and yeah, that's an old friend i have not gotten back to in quite some time... and the dinner was followed by some of the yummiest chocolate cake around, publix chocolate ganache and publix midnight fudge fantasy (cue homer simpson drool)...

when i got home jackson was in hyper cleaning mode cuz her mom is coming tomorrow and she is going for foot surgery tomorrow and she won't be able to clean (or drive or work or do much of anything) for four weeks cuz she's supposed to stay off her foot for four weeks and hopefully she will listen to the doctor and not try to hop around on crutches too far... she's a happy camper cuz she likes the place clean... so do i, but it matters more to her...

she's spending the night at sanford's and sanford is taking her to the foot surgeon tomorrow and then her mom will drive her and her car back up here... then her mom will take me to the car rental place tomorrow and i'll finally turn in the car (and find out how much i splurged) and i'll drive her car around for a while...

the kids are curled up around me and the tv has football and life is good...

you? :)

still the juggler

as in multitasking, that is... i also juggle balls and fruit and beanbags and such, like the tossing stuff up in the air kind of juggling, i mean, in case you wondered... but i mean doing a dozen things at the same time kind of juggling... that is what my job is all about and today, with all but one manager out, i continued the amazing juggler act and still have not dropped any balls that anyone has noticed... it's good to be praised for what i do... so much different than the last place i worked... pity those still there... sad to think we saw no way out while there, thinking of them now, i wish i could help them out of that paranoid fear-driven abusive environment...

but here i am, out and about and large and in charge and dancing on the razor and juggling firesticks and light bulbs and loving every minute of it (when i can pause to feel, that is)... it happens often throughout the day cuz i know how to be in the moment and there are lots of few seconds where i can enjoy the accomplishments as i move on to the next one... so there i was and here i am recording it, later, for posterity...

feels good... not just for wego... wish it was shared :)

another wake up call

i had planned to stay asleep to at least 9am and perhaps later this week as it is a holiday week and i gave all of my directors most of the week off and am being encouraged to take time off myself by higher authorities, but once again a call comes to be cuz a nurse calls 911 and a client is being sent to the hospital... same client involved in the mysterious visit by a former very disgruntled and possibly intoxicated employee last night... the risk manager wonders if she would spike the client's meds just to prove her point that she is the best nurse in the world and no one else knows anything... the insecurity of some lpns amaze me... having been one, i know an lpn can know more than some rns and even have more experience than some doctors, but that's no reason to have a chip on your shoulder... you want to be an rn or doctor, go back to school... attacking rns and doctors does not prove you are a good lpn, it only proves you are sadly insecure and not a good care-giver no matter how much medical knowledge you might have or think you might have...

so i am awake and shall be heading into work early again... so much for a slow holiday week...

fa la la la la, la la la la...

narf :}

some sort of sleep

pretty sure it was, as i moved from one place to another, the chair to the couch, the couch to the bed, or some such mix of the places in my head... when i stir in the night, which i often do, i fall back to sleep without any effort and minimal thought, sometimes without a thought at all... at least that has been the pattern most of this life... recently, however, i find an animal or two in my face when i stir... as if rolling over or any movement is an invitation to the scratching and walking and feeding they live for...

happiness has learned quickly to pay attention to curious cuz curious leaps at any chance for attention and seems to be psychic, being in my face before i even open my eyes... cats, dang psychic cats...

going back to sleep now...

narf :}

guess it was my wish

the wish to be needed, to be patriarch (or matriarch, but accident of genetics puts me in a male body, so whatever the label) of a family and this new job, like or or not, even with it extremely intrusive demands, is what that dear old imaginary spirit santa put into my stocking this year... i have a stocking cuz jackson made me one years back... i think i had a stocking when precious made me one and maybe when minnie made me one and probably before too, but i don't recall ever making a xmas thing... wait, there was toronto, i did help put together xmas at home up there for a year or two... anyway, thank you santa... i think...

the head still hurts, whatever the reason... maybe we'll find out come february after the health insurance kicks in... exercise is missing, that is for sure... thyroid, thalamus, kidneys, liver, who knows... it's better than it was before and this would definitely have been an ideal night to stay asleep after fall asleep right after dinner, but... life... work... caring... responsibility... being needed... it's an old wish, maybe the oldest... so dr who has my attention (and not just cuz i'd really like to snuggle with the companion, what's the word, snoggle?... though definitely want more sensual than the british are known for... her {jenna} and mila would be my dream bookends, at least for the moment)... and i walked happiness, cuddled with curious, and now i am making pasta...

wish you were here :)

geee, was i on santa's naughty list?

so after staying up late last night enjoying time with friends after a long day at work trying to be supporting and there for all the people and i planned on sleeping in a bit today... so the phone rings before 8am with a question that was answered a few times in the past few days by at least three different people all of whom said the same thing, but the nurse somehow had no clue... resolved, and even thought happiness and curious were not liking the idea and i hate closing my bedroom door, i attempted to get back to sleep and almost did...

less than a half hour later another call, another client might be going to the hospital because the nurses (different nurse) could not re-insert a g-tube that somehow came out overnight (and not reported or noticed?) and being xmas, we won't have staff to do transportation to both hospital and visit... i get up to head in...

here we are more than twelve hours later and the client did not go to the hospital because one of the nurses figured out how to insert a g-tube (training, training, we need more training) and the other client went home and i got some work done on processes and trainings that will hopefully continue to reduce the need for emergencies and phone calls before and after hours and then i spent the afternoon visiting with everyone and seeing presents and having a grand old time wishing everyone merries and happies and all that sort of fun and finally headed home...

with a headache... not enough sleep, too much party last night, no food today, whatever... ate some dinner, salad and hot dogs (ok, half health) and fell asleep... and then, the phone rings again... a former employee visiting is disturbing the employees there by questioning their job skills (a former lpn resenting the rn, for one thing) and it's after bedtime and i tell them to instruct her that it is time to leave and if she refuses to leave, they will call the police...

an hour and a few phone calls later, my boss fills me in on the history behind this particular employee and the trouble she has caused by contacting families of clients and threatening lawsuits and media involvement... staff overreacted and called me before letting supervisors know what was going on... the visitor finally left and the supervisor and an older nurse who new the history said the visitor may have been drinking, though the staff said she was not... definitely could have been better communication... the nurse who was upset should have let the supervisor and other nurse know there was a problem, but he said there wasn't when they called... so... more training...

head still hurts... would have been great to sleep through the night... curious wants her evening petting, happiness wants another walk, tough sleeping with needy kids around... so watching the dr who xmas show sort of... might take a shower and try to fall back to sleep when it is over... and thanking santa for the most unusually busy and stressful holiday... imagine if i was heavily into celebrating, aye?...

narf :}

make a decision

about the car (though making a decision is sometimes something i avoid, and quite well at that), that is... yes, the rental continues to drain the savings, but it really is so sweet to drive a car that is clean and new and without major minor flaws (tough when an old car is falling apart visually, but still runs like a top... if it didn't leak (and therein have a musty smell and not a place i want to sit in with expensive clothing on) and have some annoying electrical issues, i could deal with the falling apart part, but... not to the job...

the decision is not so much which car, but how much to put down and which dealer... none are close, so it's a decision of which to drive to on a regular basis for service and such... they are like walmarts, so impersonal and fast-food feeling... sucks to trust people with tens of thousands of dollars like it was a big mac... i mean, bog macs have sucked for some time since the corporation got too big...

also, a few more checks would make give me more flexibility in the down payment without touching savings, which would be wise... so we shall see... this weekend, perhaps... or next month, maybe... i can settle up with the rental place on saturday and drive jackson's car for a few weeks... procrastination, partly, but mostly just not liking the corporate usa sales pitches...

still, a decision must be made... wanna buy me a car? lol lam :)

it would really make me happy

to fall in love again... yes, while working all these days this week, i still have thoughts of dreams and wishes, cuz this is the season of wishes, right?... and perhaps my deepest oldest most profoundly personally meaningful and powerful wish (or maybe second, sometimes) seems to have always been to fall in love... not just the movie fairy tale, but beyond this human experience... truly unconditional love and unconditional trust - to be willing to die - you know, the impossible dream...

she doesn't have to look like one of libbo's visual fantasies, but that would be closer to perfect, so feel free to tell mila or jenna or someone similar looking over for a test love... kind of like a test drive, but for two hearts, beating as one, ya know?... yeah, that would make me really happy...

you know my number (right column, if you forgot) :)

work to do

communication is essential and so many people seem to have a problem doing it... i am not sure why people do not listen to each other... it is sad... and this morning, quite annoying as it is a literal and figurative headache... work work work... why do people choose to make it so much more complicated and challenging than it is...

the phone has been ringing for a couple of hours... systems are not in place for every routine operation yet and supervisors and nurses do not seem capable of making simple decisions based on rules everyone should know and common sense on their own... directors need their hands held to set up simple systems of operations and simple protocols on how to do things... nurses seem unwilling or unable to make simple common sense nursing decisions...

so i am awake earlier than intended and heading into work earlier than intended to type up some more simple procedures for directors, managers, supervisors, nurses, and staff to follow... after i shower and dress, then feed and walk happiness and feed curious and wake up... waking up would be wise before driving... hope the headache goes away...

and so this is xmas...

what you could do

well, just one of the many things you could do, i mean, if you had the time to sit at the computer and read or re-read entries all over my blogs and web pages and such... you could evaluate the content and value of each entry and select the dozen or dozens or however many entries there are that belong in the come a little bit closer list that are kinda sorta meant to be somewhat autobiographical and an impromptu attempt to gather my thoughts about myself and my experience and my personal philosophy and what matters to me and so on and so forth and definitely scooby dooby doo dah day (oh), definitely...

somebody's gotta do it, after all, i mean, if i am to be immortalized...

feel free to get started on that anytime...

narf :)

continues challenges, success too

early morning rise, out to work all day, what's that you say?... it's a holiday?... of course i know and celebrate i did with friends tonight, but the day was full of challenges that turned out alright... yeah, another good day in spite of working too much, eating too haphazardly, and giving it all away... satisfying parents... investigating troubles... reeducating staff... doing the jobs of all the directors cuz i gave everyone off (though a couple helped even from home)... making major changes and trying to keep everything in balance...

and then home to walk and feed happiness (who did not eat today... stubborn spoiled dog wants people food which he is not supposed to have or canned food which he is out of)... and curious was fed and cuddled... and i looked at the time as i was about to step into the shower and i realized the party started ten minutes earlier so i got dressed and headed out the door and shared some of the yummiest food with some of the dearest (and intelligent) people and now, sitting here and nodding off, i should really say nite nite...

nite nite :)

blogger wants me to stop

it does not matter what day it was, the google masters do not like the flood, the rush of words and entries triggers some sort of blocks that slow the access and ultimately, block the site... maybe the cookies get stale... maybe it's built in shut down... maybe it's the greed, but then, this is a freebie, relatively speaking... and no advertising, so how could we possibly complain...

how much would all these blogs cost if i was paying for the service and software and so on, after all?... oh really, gonna stop me from grumping over the blocks destroying the flow of the creativity (what creativity?) all because reality says so?... why do i have to be the only huma not allow delusions and the like?...

it's a conspiracy, i tell ya, a theory, even...

narf :)

the day before what?

if i had something profound to say about the nature of humanity and it's obsession with delusions and religions and mystical magical mystery tours, not to mention car accidents and tragedies, this entry might have been holy or somehow significant in the grand timeline of evolutionary happenings along the road to wherever we are going, but noooooo, this entry is simply filler (don't stop the filling) and people can rest on their laurels hidden deep in their misadventures through their fears smiling as if nothing is wrong while they are screaming like banchees inside...

as if we were made so wrong that someone has to die to make us feel ok?...

there's oughta be a pill for that...

or a law against it...

narf...

waking for work

yeah, the phone is waking me this week... a lot... the kids are not so alright, but we have not lost any yet... challenging job, i've got... fighting the death... it's a living...

pun intended...

narf :}

don't be fooled again

see, the previous entry tells the truth, there was no time for all the entries that appeared this week at the time, the fact is that many of the entries that made it to this blog this week were added after the fact, like days from now or later, cuz the babbler was bogged down with real life off line and didn't have hardly a moment to record any of it, not less let the mind wander into random thoughts and babble as i so often love to do (in case you haven't noticed)...

but if you really want to be fooled (like i do sometimes), just disregard the title...

and narf away with me :)

challenges at work

so little time to vegetate, to let the brain wander aimlessly through space... i watched football tonight, or at least i appeared to... mostly i stared into space, played with the kids, watched jackson wrap presents, babbled a lot, and hardly moved from the couch... it was a wonderful evening, all in all... lol... lam...

oh, and i communicated with a director and others about serious challenges at work...

hey, perfection is a destination, it's the journey that matters...

narf :)

blogger glitches

the entries are showing up, but the list of entries are not updating, so once again the blogger glitches and slows the flow and interferes with the creativity (what creativity?) and the google that has gotten way too big for it's own good (as most corporate sluts do in the good old usa) is failing me as a writer and blogger and human being who breaths in words once again...

so the entries get empty cuz the mind is focused on the glitches, not the pitches, like the witch with the switch or the wind that began to whatever it did... don't go too far, the storm may be brewing...

narf...

don't stop the filling

the filling in, that is... like so many other semi-cryptic open-ended phrases, it's the filling... like the book, not the cover... like the meaning, not the words... the cream, not the cake... or the creme, even... i wanna know what love is, ya know, not the sex, but the love... not that i have anything against sex, but this is a deep introspective point we are reaching for in this entry you see... it's not all about the sex, you know?... seriously, so stop trying to look up under my skirt, m'ok?...

then again, we could be filling the space under the skirt, after all...

narf...

you have not found me yet

which could mean you have not found this entry yet since it was slipped in days after the time of the passing of this time of this datestamp but it could also mean that you have not found me in this world cuz you don't even know this written gardens and the writings of me was here for years and years and years and it could also mean that you have not found this blog which has been spilling thousands of entries into the blogspace over many years and it could mean you know me but have not found me as in there you are the way the kid looks at peter panning to see the pan in robin william's eyes (it's in there, just like it's in here, if you can see) but whatever it means, it is what it is and it is here now... and yes, that is what it is and it is...

with or without you :)

just another work week

that's what it is gonna be for me... and you didn't even see this one coming, did you?... then again, if you did, well, that is what separates the old friends and devoted readers from the occasional visitors because this is the me you've come to know if you've been around me or my babbling life a while... i give... i give till it hurts... i give cuz i love to give and when it hurts i know i am giving all i've got and just like the athletes's no pain, no gain reality, we find out how much we can do when we do as much as we think we can and then, we do a bit more...

cuz that's the life of a giver... and it's a beautiful life :)

hey malaysia (stats report)

you are leading the way this month with the most page views, almost a thousand and still more than a week to go... what's up malaysia?... anything in particular you find worth visiting here or are you mostly random spambots and not actual peoples? (i hope for peoples, ya know?)... i don't know a whole lot about malaysia, actually, other than what can be read on the web... i've known peoples from the philippines and australia and new zealand and vietnam and other south pacific places, but no personal contacts with malaysians... i'd like to relax on a south sea island someday...

anyway, visitors so far this month are coming from (the top ten places, cuz that's all google blogger stats provide): Malaysia, United States, Russia, Germany, Romania, China, Serbia, Ukraine, United Kingdom, Poland in that order for the moment... the sudden massive visits from malaysia pushed malaysia into the top ten of all time, which currently looks like: United States, Russia, Romania, Germany, United Kingdom, Ukraine, Malaysia, Netherlands, Iran, China in that order at the moment... i don't recall the last time i wrote a stats entry and wonder if it's really been six months (no, it has not, in fact, malaysia started making a push last month), but if i recall it is france and latvia dropped off the top ten and were replaced by malaysia and china... since june of this year there has been a dramatic drop in visits and in number of entries per month as well with august september and october combined having fewer entries (108) than all but three months this year (april and november and february, which had 104 and 101 and 100 respectively)... so while 2013 was definitely looking like it would pass 2012 in most entries, unless december has a flood in the next week, 2013 will likely be second most...

fascinatingly trivial, i know... history, even... like random entries ....

oooooh, a fourth ellipsis... is this the twilight zone or a new endless science fiction trilogy?... anyway, all the countries i've found on the lists over the course of this blog (in alphabetical order): Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahamas, Belgium, Brazil, Bulgaria, Canada, China, Columbia, Denmark, Egypt, Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Greece, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Iraq, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Japan, Latvia, Malaysia, Mexico, Monaco, Morocco, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Panama, Peru, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Russia, Singapore, Slovakia, Saudi Arabia, South Africa, South Korea, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Turkey, Ukraine, United Kingdom, US, and Vietnam...

thank you for coming... ain't stats fun?... narf :)

all that is missing

besides unlimited cash, world peace, and some magical powers, what is missing in this life i loosely call mine is a partner... for all the struggles and stressors and giving away of time and money and energy, for all the running around i do for others and challenges i take on, for all the unfinished songs and broken dreams and potentials lost or yet to be, life is a beautiful experience and i am loving most every minute of it... the only thing that really matters that is missing is a partner... any sort of equal partner... a full on everything life partner would be ideal, but even part-time partners would be a wonderful addition... perhaps you perchance might remember the old want list? (some of it is not so out of date even years later)...

anyway, relaxing with the football on tv (and the usual bad calls) and the kids at my sides (nuzzling and begging for more scratching and more food, as usual)...

you? :)

day of rest?

not for me... sundays have been all about softball for years and finally, this season, i am taking a break from my sunday afternoon team and with the sunday morning team on hiatus until the spring (except for a few tournaments), i thought i had sundays free to relax and enjoy football with jackson and not so fast, kimosabe... jackson got back together with sanford and they are inseparable on weekends and some weeknights, so i'm kind sorta living alone these days, except for the daily responsibilities of the kids waiting for food and walks and love... and my dear friend curly and his wife need sunday help for a while so instead of softball, i give them a four or so hours each sunday afternoon... so rest, yeah, a bit more than before, but not the leisurely do whatever i please free time day i had thought it would be... it's all good though, staying busy with friends, that is... and there is always tonight for more sleep (fat chance)...

time for more walking with happiness, then feeding both, then more time playing with curious, then happiness, then back to sitting back and spacing out a bit with the tv... cuz it's a beautiful day for lemonade...

hope you find your lemonade too :)

rockin' pnuemonia (a work entry)

and wish we were not (rockin' pneumonia, that is)... work is caring for seriously ill people, people with very frail immune systems, almost immobile bodies (all in chairs, most with molded inserts due to body deformities), weak and often failing respiratory systems (many have trach and g-tubes), and some require frequent hospitalizations to stabilize their body and prevent death... it's a strain on staff and on families is intense at times, and simple a lot all the time... and the families and government guardians can add a whole lot to the strain on staff as well... i can take a lot of the latter strain off their shoulders by insuring they know what to say to families, which is very little beyond a nurse giving basic medical facts... and with more training my medical directors can take a lot of the heat off the nurses... i definitely need to provide more training... the hope and logic is that if i invest the extra time to provide the training and develop the skills my directors, managers, nurses, supervisors, and direct care staff need to not just do their jobs well, but make their jobs easier, i will be able to relax and take some time off down the road... like a year from now... or six months...

somewhere in between holding a lot of hands, providing personalized training as they need it, handling families and other issues my directors will eventually handle, and putting out fires that will not even start eventually, i will get to the administrative tasks that are actually my job... all in all, it's a fine reward for a simple fellow who likes to think he can do the impossible... nyuk nyuk... work, it does a body good...

no, actually, it does a mind and spirit good... the body wants rest :)

she just wont take no for an answer

sad, that, since i am trying to sleep... but the animals miss their mommy and look to me for reassurance and scratching and the poor pussy wants to be rubbed and rubbed and rubbed... so this entry will be much briefer than it would be if she wasn't rubbing all over my leg and arm and trying to push the laptop off of my lap... she's a demanding girl tonight, that's for sure... hungry too... there appears to be no letting up in her demand for rubbing and stroking and more... she's a very needy pussy tonight...

soon i may sleep, for now, it's all about the pussy...

narf :)

saturday night at home alone

not alone by a long shot, just no humans around... curious will not leave me alone... rubbing and meowing and begging for attention is her stock and trade... but i'm playing ruzzle in practice mode and have background tv on... the faculty provides a slightly interesting amusement as i love watching the face of laura harris abd u was surprised at all the people in the film that i had not seen before... other stuff appeared on the background tv as well as i play ruzzle and curious cuddles and happiness nuzzled... and there's ice cream, what more could be wanted?... it's a saturday night home alone...

having fun?... you bet your life :)

the day strolled by

so i finally got dressed and headed out to meet jackson who was shopping all day and i was supposed to go but i didn't (and yes, another week of the rental car) and grumble grumble, i suck at fitting in to this human world and usually i don't want to, but i am supposed to do something as administrator at work and i am uncertain exactly what i should do... gifts?... gift cards?... and the best people to ask are gone, taking next week off (and more) and once again my boss did not make time to share enough details of what she has done in the past (just as i don't have the details of what i must do on the job as well and bit by bit i am learning from subordinates and corporate people, alas, she is such a very busy person and that is why i am there, but i need to know what to do and more importantly, how to do it within this corporate system)...

anyway, i met jackson (she's been at sanford's the past three days or so) and she was done shopping so i didn't shop, we went to the chinese buffet instead... my treat... and i'll be using her car after next friday cuz she is having for foot surgery and will not be driving for four weeks... i'll be paying for some servicing for her car, including the timing belt, this week cuz i am like that (even though she owes me thousands... and when you ask what do i get out of giving as i do, in case you have not been reading or don't remember, giving is the second best feeling i know and i get to mention it here so everyone can see just what a wonderful generous giving loving person i am, ego likes that, but it's giving that is the bulk of the reason i give, even if it is without common sense or wisdom in this world for most)... and we came home and she went over to sanford's for the night...

and so it goes...

and work came a calling

and work came a calling... at least they let me sleep, and shower even, but just as i stepped out of the shower and started drying off, the phone rang... emergency at work, client going 911 to hospital... and shortly after that, another client going 911... the latter with a very complicated parent relationship which required hours of communication, partly because i had to keep asking for details that should have been in the initial report... so training in what needs to be in an emergency report will happen very soon (something a working nurse should know, but i am finding little uniformity and no structure to their assessments, reports, or communications), which is alas a weakness at this place as the directors responsible have never had training they should have had and that's part of what is keeping me at work so much these first months... training directors in the skills they need to be directors is tedious, but part of an administrator's job (and one of the reasons the screening and interview process for a director should be considered and carried out carefully)... training specific disciplines (nursing, social work, psychologists, etc) requires enough knowledge in those disciplines to help a director actually develop systems, forms, and protocols that insure education, responsibility, and accountability from professionals and non-professionals in each department... luckily i have been in the field long enough and have had professional experience in enough areas to reach beyond training in management to training in organizing specific disciplines... so i find myself doing the director of nursing's job much of the time and i am hoping she will not undermine or resist when i hand her job over to her...

it will take some time, but we shall improve...

woke up, rolled out of bed, and hit the couch

slept another few hours, at least... no clocks, no time, nothing was moving me... jackson said she tried to wake me, i did not budge... i did not hear her make breakfast or do anything and she was concerned that i was dead, but she saw me breathing... that's me dead tired and sleeping on my left ear...

a bit later i woke and wrote this...

narf :)

almost ready for sleep

in fact, i may nod off during the writing of the entry much as i nodded off during other recent entries which shall, or at least might remain nameless to protect absolutely nothing... the neck is hurting... but curious is sleeping against my thigh and arm and there's the rub...

zzzzzzzzz...

fell asleep with curious pressed up against my face (they make horror movies like that, don't they?)... pushed a pillow between us and rolled over and am gone for the night... night... night ...

nite nite :)

slow cooking ribs (dreaming of eating)

yeah, so the hours pass, one, two, and the ribs slow cook... slow cook... yeah, allowing time to nod off and yes, the inevitable dreaming of eating... there's some mushroom onions barley veggie pasta stuff i made last night that was really good and it will be a side dish... maybe some mountain dew too... while curious seems to want to be glued to my side tonight, i lost myself in watching some tv, from the outer limits mentioned here and there, to some mouse rambling on about the taft-hartley act on animaniacs (that was no mouse, that was the director) cuz, after all, what else is on television that makes any sense... and then, the ribs... oh so yummy... wonderful feeling deep inside my tummy... but the best part that there's no doubt about... is the absolutely almost irresistible scrumptuliumptous tasty taste feeling i feel in my mouth...

the fudge ice cream was good too...

narf :)

well look what's back

google chrome let me log into blogger and here we are, using the preferred browser (it was fastest and i've grown accustomed to it's face, and arms, and legs, and kidneys and liver and so on... have some doubt about it's heart and mind though, especially lately... in any case, it's baaaaack...

a twelve hour day, or was it thirteen... or more... got into work before 6am to get some work done with the night shift... lost track this week, at least 60 hours there, likely more... so much to do in these first months... and doing it right takes time, personalization, building relationships with dozens of people... that's what life is about if you want to really do administration well... in a few months i hope to take some time off, for now, it's press on...

meanwhile, outer limits plays on tv, ribs slow cook in the oven (they were frozen, it'll be hours... my mission is not to fall asleep... have my alarm set... and curious will have nothing to do with sleep for the moment, so the place will likely not burn down tonight, even after i put the thought into words for the universe to toy with), and sleep calls ever so seductively... yes, curious will have none of that as she has been more aggressively attention seeking than ever before (while i am not a fan of the process, i am lucky she has no claws)... after a half hour of hard core rubbing and scratching and hard core cat loving, she is enjoying the top of tail butt rub she gets by pressing her butt up against my arm as i type... she knows when i put the laptop on my lap the best she's gonna get is this top of butt pressure... wonder if it's sexual for a cat... happiness craves the same contact, so who knows... she is seriously needy though... not just her butt, but butt needy too...

and what's this?... another outer limits episode and this one has what looks like a casablanca feel with the cast of firefly, or at least a couple of them... this one kind sorta has my attention, like maybe it's not just background tv... maybe i'm actually gonna watch this one... what are you doing?...

fun, i hope :)

wusso whasso?

people are more afraid of the unknown than of anything else, except maybe death and pain and a few other things, but the unknown, that's right up there at the top of the list... it is the stupidest aspect of humanity, except maybe oh my god, yeah, that too... something slipped from my mind last night, possibly distracted by the constant attention seeking of curious, the cat... so i didn't upload this cuz i forgot what it was supposed to be and therefore it never actually became an entry... so this must be an entry about a non-entry... the words failed to clapshaw frundup siftrit loasted harmony... or be recalled, even...

don't lock is in the tower, m'ok?...

narf :)

coulda been a complaint, even

at work i leave more than a dozen windows open, more than a dozen excel spreadsheets open, more than a dozen word documents open, a few windows explorer windows open, and other stuff... and this laptop slows down to a lockup when i leave a fraction of all that open... why?... maybe it is kaspersky... or vista... or both... and more... windows explorer just crashed and restarted... and kaspersky is scanning and tells me flash player has vulnerabilities... and both firefox and internet explorer are locked up and after the restart (of just internet explorer), adobe wants to install an update... coincidence?... and adobe wants me to close firefox... but firefox is frozen and i've been waiting and hoping it will unfreeze because i was in the middle of cutting and pasting car and apartmenrt links i want to return to so i can print tomorrow at work... did i mention somewhere along the way firefox ask me to update it?... and then i finally decide to give in and close firefox and it's still frozen so it's not closing... did i mention firefox will not work with gmail anymore?...

and so i close firefox and adobe flash updates and then i open firefox and update firefox and four kaspersky add-ons are not compatible so they were disabled and will that make firefox work better?...

barf...

more than a feeling

yup, it's more than a feeling, it's numbers... 565 page views, to be precise... the most page views in one day, i think... Dec 14, 2013... a day which will live in the land of forgotten dreams just like the other ones, or something like that... i don't recall the previous high page views and i think Dec 14, 2013 is the new record, but not remembering keeps certainty a bit apart from the whole knowing thing we do when we know things, like fer sure... so ncis finally replaced ziva, at least temporarily, as she's a peach... no, actually, she's an okie... and oddly, abbey is not missing a step, as if she doesn't even know she's replacing ziva... no hazing, no suspicion, no prove yourself to me or i won't trust you... very odd... out of character, even... and there's been no memorial for ziva downstairs, no photo montage on the wall, no mention at all... is that deliberate to get the audience to move on easier?... and what's this?... ben vereen?... the show intends on continuing to soar it seems... missing ziva doesn't help... i wonder why she left... she isn't saying... hope she stays fit and strong and healthy and cute and someday, we understand it all...

maybe it was the 565 page views...

narf :)

no mood for sleep

not no way, not no how... not without a human pillow, at least... so i went out after work to meet my boss to pick up her secret santa gift cuz she can't be at the secret santa breakfast tomorrow and we close enough to each other to shop at the same malls and stuff so i went to the mall cuz i also needed a card for my secret santa gift and i stayed an hour and a half or more cuz i realized i wanted to be around people and i was loving browsing the book store where i bought several books for jackson's nieces and our friend's new baby and a couple for jackson too...

the mall was not crazy busy as in rushing rude people... it was good to feel the energy and felt really good to buy stuff for people and afterward i drove home and cooked food instead of eating out or picking up food so dinner was guacamole and pretzels and then two kinds of veggie burger with mixed sauces (general zao, sweet baby rays, and a veggie mayo all cooked into the burgers and a bit of ketchup on the bun) and yummy yum yum in the tummy tum tum... that was followed by chocolates (russell stover) and some of jackson's brownies (the chocolate chip cookie part was best) and a few bakery cookies and a chocolate fudge milk shake and aren't we having just too much fun for one person?...

see, that's why i am in no mood to sleep... too much energy, too much fun going on...

and lots of narf... much narf :)

foolish boy who does not sleep enough

so i spent the last couple of hours searching for apartments and then, responded to an offer from the current apartment manager... her offer was $70 less than the first renewal offer she made... i rambled through my concerns and frustration and finally finished by saying that it is challenging to accept any increase in rent when there have been no improvement in this apartment or in the grounds outside of this apartment, especially when improvements are needed to bring the grounds outside up to higher standards of safety and esthetics, concluding that we'd accept this place as is for another year for the same we are paying now... that would be $60 less than her current offer... so we shall see what tomorrow will bring and whether i wasted more precious sleep time trying to get a fair shake from the corrupt and cold and cruel and uncaring world out there... oh, the dramatics... oh, the humanity (or lack thereof)...

so what else is new... sleep?... please?...

nite nite (i hope)...

narf :)

kind of like don't let the sun go down on me

only crunchy... or maybe it's the moon (look that up in your pipe and smoke it - if you dare)... yeah, nobody gets the lyrical references, at least not all of them... some get some i suppose, but that's usually just me supposing since i can only read minds on alternate tuesdays and here it is already a few minutes into another wednesday... what day is it?... ask a dromedary... he ain't thirsty, he's my camel... oh come on now, did you really fall for all the drama of this life?... of course i do from time to time too, but then i wake up and realize it's all an illusion, clarity or confusion, it's all a choice, silence or voice, it's all a rhyme if you give it time, it's all a place, if you know your space... or something like that (oh really, how many times and how many ways and who really knows or remembers what really matters in the end?)... what?...

whatever, the days are longer now (so much more to do than last year and the challenge is wonderful, if a bit misty unshared... hey come on, you know the story of my life), though the sunlight is shorter making the longer days feel even longer, or so it seems... the nocturnal animal is wanting to sing and the silence calls out to the lord of the rings in imaginary fashion we dream of endless passion and the hope of what tomorrow brings... if i stroke out or have a heart attack-ack-ack-ack it won't be cuz i didn't try to push every limit a body can endure - and if i said it didn't it would be a lie and still i wish i could fall in love just one more time before i die...

i'm not dead yet... ain't life grand?...

narf :)

missing people

sometimes i wonder why people in love stop loving each other and stop communicating... it does not make sense... or am i so dense that i don't understand how it ends... the end of love?... how can love end?... true love is forever, eternal, infinite, the bomb... true love lives on and on and on and on... so many there isn't much true love in this world cuz so many people believe their love can end... why choose to believe that?... why choose to diminish love when love is the best thing there can be... i am not even asking, but i am asking, if you can do it, please... don't do it to me... if your love can end, then please don't pretend... you love me...

...

definitely, don't let the days go by unnoticed

yeah, don't let the days go by unnoticed, don't let the fear consume your hope... don't let the rush of the struggle for success and security turn you into a forgetful dope... don't let the days go by unnoticed... don't let go of your memories... don't give up all the reasons you have to celebrate your life and your history...

happy birthday amy
dear old friend of mine
happy birthday amy
may your light still shine

happy birthday amy
may you smile tonight
happy birthday amy
we are alright
yeah, the kids are still alright :)

the night before

it is not the volume, but the depths... not the quantity, but the meaning... even as there is not time but the time stolen from sleep, it is the caring, the sharing, the effort we make to continue to be human, child-like innocent friends, even as the world consumes us with the money-mad rise up to the top... take a break, for your sake...

there was so much more to say here, someday... sometime... some way... somewhere...

perhaps if there's anything that you want...

an end of year spectacular?

will it be such a thing, a flurry of activity, and flood of words, and tsunami of entries and visitors and statistics all bringing ashore the emotions that lay sleeping in the depths of the oceans within?...

oooooo, that sounds exciting lol lam oh pishaw, respect the process :)

and the seriousness of the query, the question, the preponderance of pondering that no one really hears... as jackson and curious and happiness sit nearby, does anyone really understand?... and when we think about what made america famous we still wonder, is anybody there, is anybody here, does anybody care?...

ever notice the closeness of anYbody and anObody... anybody... a nobody... y?... o... oh...

there's a beatles song that ends like that...

narf :)

don't let the days go by

without paying attention to the details... without appreciating the goodness and kindness and love...

and more...

out for the day

or sleeping, i'll let you know when i get back here... nope, not sleeping... out for the day driving, visiting, driving, then hope again... there was more written, but lost along the way and too tired to retrieve at the moment...

narf...

gotta wake?

this entry disappeared dang it... i'll try to return and rebuild it later... and later i remember pondering whether i was gonna wake up and that was dependent on whether curly's wife wanted me to take her out to visit curly who is out of town for a few months (cuz that'swhat i do, after all, help friends) and it turned out that she didn't want to go but i decided to go anyway so i woke up and drove the new rental (2014 altima) a couple of hours there and back and it is a nice ride...

yeah, that's all i remember... bummer when entries are lost...

narf...

imaginary old friends

so ziva disappears again (will she and tony get together before the show goes off the air?... perhaps in their last season in their final show, they retire together to farm mushrooms or something?), alas, which has happened before and the show was not as good while she was gone so i vote for either bringing her back quickly or replacing her quickly (and you know who my choice for replacement is if you've been reading cuz, come on, she's perfect for the part... and can add some silly goofy innocent sexy humor to the role as well, even more than ziva did depending on the depth of her back story... she could bring the kgb or equivalent into the mix or just play israeli to keep the mossad connection going... could even be the new mossad director's daughter... everybody write the directors and producers, mok?)... wonder what cote is doing with her time away... working?... tv?... movie?... theatre?... not working?... family?...

watching the cast go through their motions each week (or in dvr marathon sessions) is life watching old friends because i've seen them so often and the writers did a good job of character development and the actors did a great job of playing their roles and ok, so i am a fan (was a fan years before the show made it into the top ten in ratings) and biased, but... it's well done... so much love emoted too...

something to share with the one you love someday, a dream within and dream, or something like that... cuz watching tv together is part of the life we live, right?...

yeah, i'm sleeping... narf :)

no plan for tomorrow

and yet, it's a sunday... and for the last four or five or more sundays i've been driving curly's wife up to see curly who has been staying out of town and will be for a while and while it means a lot to both of them if i go with her each week, it's taking four or five or more hours out of my sunday afternoon, 11 to 4 or 5, and i only get two days off a week now that i am working the new 24/7 gig...

reaching the lonely our too, so i suppose i ought to curly up on the couch and get some sleep, but i am enjoying the ncis mini-marathon i have started and would not stop it for sleep if i was not feeling mostly obligated to go... but if i curl up on the couch i might nod off... and i do have the new 2014 altima to drive, which is a great extra reason to go... i will need to wake up on my own and contact her though since she didn't contact me...

getting tired just thinking bout the diminished sleep... prior entries are likely to be much more interesting and informative than this one which might be getting a bit tired and whiny... aye?...

narf...

tv and milkshakes

i've waited and waited and jackson simply does not seem to have (or want to make the time) to watch the episodes of ncis that have been recorded on our dvr this season... she is a busy person, what with work and a relationship and family, she doesn't have time for all she wants to do (you may have noticed me venting a time or few dozen, aye? lol lam alas, sigh, shhhh, all is well)... and so tonight, with curious curled up pressed against my side and left arm (she misses her mom and happiness, who are at sanford's tonight as has been the usual weekend pattern of late, though happiness doesn't always go along... but curious is seriously needier than usual tonight... so curled up against me she stays), i finally press play on the season premiere for this eleventh season... and i face the rumours of key characters leaving the show by all by myself... alone... with curious... and the milkshakes... yummy chocolate milkshakes...

oh no, in a force of habit calamity, i deleted the season premiere of ncis... i will need to find it on the internet and jackson will need to watch it on the internet when she finally gets around to watching this season... apologies jackson, wish your were here...

sigh, perfection is not my middle name... and season eleven does start with major shake ups and rumous of even more major shake ups... ziva?... that's why jackson doesn't want to watch... shhhhh, just shhhhh... ok, i'll say it... if she must leave the show, i vote for mila to replace her, pretty please?... episode two introduces a new character (the new mossad director) played by counselor troy, interesting... she can be so annoying sometimes... very, even... anyway, as recent entries suggest, i am relaxing tonight watching tv and drinking milkshakes... a saturday night at home... and the visits here in this little blog are going through the roof, wouldn'tcha know... everybody spending a quite night at home with the internet?... hope you are enjoying your tv and milkshakes (or whatever else you might be sharing) too...

seriously, mila

randomly flipping through channels i found friends with benefits and despite the stupid human stereotype of relationships and ignorance of emotions and so on and the arbitrary moral hypocrisy as demonstrated by the gross sound editing (can't say fuck, but can be naked onscreen and pretend to actually fuck all you want} for the unthinkable horrors of what some control freaks like to call obscene or offensive language (and the other movie flaws), it is definitely a wonderful sight to see mila since she is one of my favorite visual images in this world... i suppose i will want to check out all of her movies just because she is in them (like goldie hawn, jodie foster, meg ryan, and sandra bullock before her, though not in that order of preference if i was actually in a position where i had to choose who to spend time with...

fact is, mila would be ahead of most of them for reasons beyond the visual {especially sense of humor, voice, intangibles}, but visually she is top few visual fantasies on every level (in case you didn't know or remember {remember libbo?) that she has been stalked in this blog at least a few times over the years {sure, i may add links eventually, but until then you could just search for mila (which can be quite haunting, actually... love?) or mila kunis (which may not be quite as haunting, though it depends on the browser you use as different browsers react to embed codes differently, but that's beside the point, maybe and maybe not love, but obsession, actually?) or both in the search box at the top of the page, cha know?}... being a stalker with ADD is not very effective though i suppose... ba-dum-bum}... hey, what?... you don't have human visual images that your eyes aspire to find?)... yeah, that girl is in fine shape too... that girl, yeah... yeah... she knows... i think i'll make another milk shake...

i once had abs and fitness like that... now i just have the legs...

narf :)