say what?

as i buzz around tonight flying on double chocolate mocha frappuccino (i add the extra chocolate myself, being creating and all, i have a starbucks license to do that), i realize i am so lonely that i eat myself to bloated nirvana and without the caffeine, the carbs keep the body lethargic as the mind drifts toward a sugar/carb coma...

sometimes all this self-awareness is amusing, especially when i write so calmly (or is it clinically) about it when it is suicidal (or at least self-defeating) behavior that ultimately is a self-fulfilling loop all but guaranteeing i will remain lonely because i eat myself to bloated nirvana and so on...

could be purely pathetic if it wasn't so amusing because it was a script for a sit-com and not actually life (secretly deluding myself is all part of the game, but i won't tell you that because that is part of the game to and keeping the game going is part of the game to so nobody knows what is real except someone who spent enough time looking into my eyes and sharing physical space to actually experience what is real)...

anybody remember when RealTime™ turned into the babbling silliness of behind the candoor that was sort of an attempt to keep planet candora from losing it’s beautiful rhyming romanticism in the babbling irreverence that was supposed to be somewhat contained behind the candoor?... anybody?... well, the irony of the question, for those who have not quite gotten it just yet, is that the past few nights, or maybe just today’s entries, have been infected (or enhanced, depending on perspective… what’s yours?) by the babbling nonsense (what is it, silliness, irreverence, or nonsense?... that is the question… nothing noble about it and certainly no cause for slings or arrows {or is it nor arrows?}, but mostly definitely something special {or obscene, depending on moral indigestion} happened today and even thought you {or anyone [or is that no one] at all} is here to notice, it is amusing me whatever we might choose to call it if we ever choose to call it anything, posterity not withstanding ovations, even) that you may or may not remember if you actually remember that was the question (question?... nonsense!) in the first place (or at least way back when this paragraph began)…

yes, so well and all, i’m enjoying the heck out of myself tonight even if nobody else ever knows, which is another reason i am alone and when i realize this i am lonely and laughing at the irony of the further adventures of self-fulfilling failures even as the life of happiness and pleasure and wonders and excitement and fun continues inside, which is a success after all…

buddha wants his cake and eats it too :)