what's it?

confliger or something... just in case that worm in the news is more potent than the y2k virus and i am not able to get online tomorrow, hope yours is fun... and hopefully i'll find my way back somehow someway someday...

tonight was stressful because of the rip off and giving away another five bills (as in old movie "bills" ya see... it's starting to hurt, but shhhh, i'm a big boy)... the good news is precious made it to the doctor and is feeling better today and is getting a full check up in just over two weeks... maybe she'll start taking better care of herself...

yeah, so the tv kept me company after i got home from dinner and dealt with the rip off... they really are potentially the best american idol cast yet... at least a half dozen of them should have careers and probably big selling cds... and then there was cupid, a show after my own heart, in theme, at least... maybe the acting will get better, but the cuteness factor isn't enough and there's no libbo factor for me... but the concept, so me...

so hopefully the computer won't die tomorrow, or worse, hopefully all my money won't be gone... after all, how could i give it away if the facacta conflictor worm eats it all?... but just in case the internet goes away, find somebody to love... love makes everything all better...

nite :)

facebook and internet scams

so much for the deceptive blog-style advertising on social networking sites... posing as a blogger, advertising on facebook and through google, misrepresenting an offer for a free sample of a teeth whitening product, and fooling not only me, but my target fraud protection people, i learned a bit more about internet scamming tonight after two hours on the phone... so there may be, out of principle, another mark of refusing to pay a bill on my credit report because i paid the visa card everything except the scammer's charges, closed the visa account, and told three target visa reps that i will not be paying any further charges so they can choose to do as they wish, but i'll ignore any requests for payment of the disputed amount... after putting that in writing, i am done (remind me to read this if i mention it with more than a dozen words later cuz you know i will cuz, well, that's what i do)...

freaking world, humans really suck - everybody just trying to rip everybody else off with a smile as if they are your friends, saintly, even... tell it you your gods on sunday and believe you're believed because nobody calls you on your hypocrisy because everybody else is pretending they aren't either, just like you...

meanwhile, in my world, another day of crunching numbers for the kids so the people with all the education can figure out how to get the people with minimal education to treat the kids right while the kids are pushing every limit they can... life in the psychiatric schoolyard, the psychotropic playground of the many messed up minds (but then, they are human kids with human parents, so what should we expect... not too cynical tonight, aye?... or is this just thereal... yeah, come on, prove me wrong... i double-welcome you)...

grinning all the way :)

swimming, just keep

don't know if the blur is gonna fade away (or clear up) today, but i am awake again and heading out the door for another day at the computer making numbers sing and auditing everything and playing the game... so much to do, so little time, so little sleep, so many promises to keep, miles to go, la la la...

just wish there was someone chickling along (ummm, i believe he meant chuckling, aye?)... i miss the giggles too... but still somehow, i find myself amused... life is the best party i've been to yet, even if it's not this one or this place, cha cha cha...

make today precious - only you can :)

was asleep

seeply, sweetly, falling into the beautiful abyss of slumbers and then, the phone... too sleepy to respond, but then, the phone again... dear precious needed to talk... she does not like living alone and even though she lives in someone's house, it's still alone emotionally and mostly physically too... i understand... while i've got a side that loves being alone, i also crave sharing and partnering and that's why i am out here writing so much, after all... it's not just all about ego and creative play, ya know... yeah, gotta love (caring is a verb, for real)...

so i'll crash tomorrow, maybe, i hope...

and even though i sacrifice the stuff i want to give more away and even though i sacrifice sleep and health to give more time, it's a wonderful feeling being able to help, even if it's just a little for a moment, being needed... the void of family will probably always draw me to those who might need me and maybe that keeps me alone, for how many people want to (or will) give it all away anytime as i do... somebody, the one, ya know?... all i've ever needed......

ok, craig ferguson will laugh me to sleep with odd thoughts and skewed perspectives that make total sense to me because he's not really completely human either, or something like that... i wish i could help fix everything everywhere cuz there is so much confusion and so much is broken in humanity, but i'll just keep doing the best i can picking up pices of scattered hearts and minds and dreams and while i don't live all of mine, this is one of mine, so i do live one of mine and that is a wonderful thing for me... keeps the hope alive...

was it good for you? (so silly (dorkishly), i am :)

was asleep 3/4

seeply, sweetly, falling into the beautiful abyss of slumbers and then, the phone... too sleepy to respond, but then, the phone again...

asleep, wasn't i?...

stuck with the crap

of course it's better crap than most people in the world will ever see, but still, it feels like crap to have to continue working working working just to keep paying paying paying for crap (even though it's better crap than most people in the world will ever see, but still, it feels like crap to have to continue working working working to keep paying paying paying for... hmmmm, seems there is a loop going on here... stepping out now)...

yeah, so i spend $300+ on two tires and a 3 year alignment deal (last time i didn't use the alignment deal, but hopefully i will this time so i don't waste the money and tire wear and all that) and just getting home bleary eyed and ready for sleep... i went to olive garden while waiting for the tires to be done and so on and so forth and blah dee blah blah blah so la dee dah...

anyway, long day at work bleary eyed at the computer and now, going to sleep so i can wake tomorrow and deal with more crap (even though it's better crap than most people in the world will ever see... yeah, and so on)... somehow, this word play makes it all better (cuz i'm just full of crap, yeah, even thought it's better crap than...)...

nite nite :)

was asleep 1/2

seeply, sweetly, falling into the beautiful abyss of slumbers and then, the phone... too sleepy to respond, but then, the phone again...

what?... huh?.... no really..... i wrote this entry... i didn't save part of this entry, i wrote it... was asleep, yes, then came here when the phone woke me, then wrote... was asleep?...

suds & fuds

profound meaning must be hidden between the lines, between the words, between the titles, between the fingers, between the sheets, between the lips, between the (ever think about how profoundly afraid of so many simple, natural, obvious things the human race is these days?... i mean, who has time, right?)... speaking of between the lips, who's been there lately?... i mean between yours... even your words mouth the falsity of fear-filled answers, but the morning breaks nonetheless and alone, you trudge out into your day... unless, of course, you are lucky enough to live where you work with your partner in crime and then, viola (or voila, for that matter), beautiful music together, just like the cartoons... and movies, for that matter...

meanwhile, make today wonderful :)

what?... sleep?... when?

yeah, i did get some this weekend and here i am forgetting that i would do well to get more sleep more often and especially on sunday nights when another work week is about to begin with much concentration and focus needed to do piles and piles of number crunching and analysis and investigating and reporting and all sorts of corporate stuff that keeps management and corporate officers in business (even if it interferes with patient care... what a scam, but it's government supported, so who's to question the game)...

sleep would be wise... time off from work would be wise... love would be better...

whatever that means :)

was asleep 1/4

seeply, sweetly, falling into the beautiful abyss of slumbers and then, the phone... too sleepy to respond, but then, the phone again...

ummm, yeah, later...

wonderful world of sunday

after sleeping long (that's what saturday nights are for, after all, to do exactly what you want to do with reckless abandon... for me, sleep was the party i wanted to go to most... now if i only had a few dozen saturday nights in a row, but noooo, those other days just have to keep getting in the way... selfish days...

softball was as softball is on sundays... the coaches and other team praises my pitching... the fielding behind me gives up a lot of runs on errors... the bats around me do not wake up enough to overcome the errors... we lose... 2-4 is our record so far at the halfway point... unfortunately, there's no playoff so we finish wherever we finish based on record... just like the work league... and that's the way it goes on sunday afternoons these days...

after the game i went to practice with the weeknight teams and had a good workout with them cuz i get to play more positions at a practice cuz there's another pitcher there... and then to wing house for dinner and that's how sunday afternoons end and evenings with softball friends close the day...

coming home, i checked email and found facebook wanted me to check in, so i checked in, briefly discussed politics, sent some well wishes, found out that facebook chat works on this laptop, and sent an email to playdat orlando to see if we can get some free tickets... now, it being a few hours later than the time stamp on this entry, i shall find sleep. perhaps, and the dreams i don't remember, but love anyway subconsciously cuz they keep calling me back to sleep wonderfully peaceful sleep... or something like that...

nite nite my imaginary friends, and you too out there... sleep well :)

wow, sleep, what a concept

i woke and returned to bed for another hour and then woke again and could have stayed in bed another day, but up i got and dressed for softball and out the door i went...

sleep feels so wonderful... i really ought to get more of it... soon, i hope :)

losing track of time

after a brief nap last night that only lasted about the time of the shows i was meaning to watch, i started playing spades on the computer and somehow time lost all contact with me and it is not, well, almost 24 hours later... i won 41 of 49 games... i recall a few i lost i nodded off as i was playing and realized i was clicking the wrong card too late... so much fun, i forgot all about sleep or food or going out anywhere or the phone or anything...

i should probably sleep now...

lost in spades

i didn't come here even though i was awake all night because i was lost in playing computer spades... these sudden momentary addictions to spades (or ncaa college footbal, when i had access to that game) come around every few months or so cuz the brain loves playing spades and ncaa college football and probably a few other games i am forgetting to mention at the moment... and with a partner, it could be anything... like the 5,000,000 rummy game we started all those years ago and promised we'd finish... i'm still ready to play anytime, by the way...

meanwhile, i was in a slee- deprived stupor by this point in this saturday morning and even turned off the tv cuz it sucked so bad and listened to some music and didn't even snack cuz i was so engrossed in the games, one after the other, addictions are like that...

hope your fun and excitement comes so easily too :)

time lines

at this point in the time line lost to fun and games, i was slipping into some sort of food and drink induced high and the sudden stuporific momentary addiction to computer spades was just beginning... tv was no help, for there was absolutely on other than infomercials... sick culture... anyway, that's the way it was while i was apparently forgetting to come here to keep in touch... i came back tomorrow, though... you'll see :)

hope you were enjoying your night too :)

mind reading

yeah, i know, and don't think you don't cuz we both know you're sitting out there watching the simpsons or much music or something wondering just how long is he (he being me) gonna keep this up, writing as if it matters day after day after night and more often, even, with nobody acknowledging the existence of these words (except maybe once when nobody was watching cuz you're really into obvious secrets that nobody knows) not even entering my mind, much, or apparently anybody else's (but that's the secret, right, yeah, shhhh, we know)...

meanwhile, some stuffed clams, crab rangoon, shrimp rolls, and mac n cheese later, the evening begins after a fine day of workaholism at the nut house (of course i mean my office, not the psychiatric hospital all around it) where progress continues on finding my desk (it's under all that paper somewhere) with a sigh and a 'nother sigh cuz fatigue is gonna keep me right here watching the adorable tv terminator and the semi-soft mind-porn show that follows it...

you can mind read what comes next...

nite nite :)

living the life

yeah baby, and all that silliness... friday morning and exhaustion remains high, but excitement about time off rises to bouncy levels and i always was a sucker for bouncy levels (formerly a dancer for the folles bridget, or something like that)... showered and refreshed and shaved and sauced, the laungage remains the playground for the mind and the life is lived (and recorded daily) for the fun and beauty and excitement of it... wish everyone would, so de-stress and enjoy yourself today...

and get in touch with yourself (and those you love :)

seriously, fatigue

so i had to focus and it seemed like i was not enjoying myself as much as i was but we won 9-7 against the team that took first last year (we were second) and so my focusing worked to overcome the fatigue and yay... i drove in two runs, went 2 for 3, struck out about seven in six innings, and had four ground outs to pitcher to first including the final out... we all played well with plenty of room for improvement, but surprisingly well for a first game...

the other thursday team won 15-5 to finish the season 7-0 as expected and take the #1 seed going into the playoffs... i will probably skip next week as the first playoff game should be a blowout and the work team probably needs me more... i'll switch up the following week as the final playoff games will be then and hopefully my work team will win without me... then i'll stick with the work league first because the other thursday team have a much better chance of winning without me than the work team cuz they have a good pitcher...

sucks that my two best teams are both playing thursday night, but hey, maybe the schedules will let me play with both some weeks... and that's the softball report for this week (thursday ediction)... seriously, fatigue, but feeling wonderful too... wish the sharing was more than imaginary someday through these words, but still, loving every minute of it... and in spite of the fatigues, seriously, i am wired once again... keep the faith, the sharing skills, the love of words, and the hope...

wired with hope... and the fun, seriously, make it all fun :)

home a moment

stopping by to change for softball and say hi just cuz i want to share a hug and you are the only one around... would maybe be pathetic if it didn't feel so good cuz it bolsters my enthusiasm and hope and positivity and faith in myself that no matter what, i'm gonna be sharing... take care of you and somday, who knows...

see ya later :)

another morning again

yeah, the titles are not amazingly creative lately, but the exuberance for just being here pretending to share with you is still as amazingly euphoric as ever, so i must be as delusional as ever, as repetitive as ever, and as me as ever too, as ever, even... and this morning, lenka inspires me smile on so many levels... i slept from the middle of american idol almost straight through to morning, ten hours?... something like that... amazingly ok... another hour or few days would have been wonderful, i think, but a vast difference is felt just now this morning... fun words playing sort of semi-randomly out of order slightly kind of foreign language conjugational congregational wishing here we were sharing more fun still so much... already beautiful wonderful amazing, continue day...

you too, aye? :)

home again, again

the sign above says scheduled outage at 4pm on thursday 3/25... and here i thought tomorrow was 3/26 all day long, how silly of me, aye?... yeah, sarcasm, you'd never have known, huh?... so here i am just getting home again, again, and cooking up some eggplant parm with a few baked clams for starters and ready to pass out but i've got to get on the phone with att before they close cuz i won't be able to do it again this week and it's been ten days or so and i only had ten days before they charge and then i've got to call and demand a refund again and so, i'll eat and get on the phone and then, hopefully, pass out sweetly... or nicely, even...

fun is all around, enjoy it :)

blurs

not too far from plurs, bur only crunchy... huh?... yeah whatever dude, only crunchy... wonderful morning to the top of you all out there in cyberland... i blow you a kiss and hug and dance the night away, or at least stretch a little to welcome the day.... slept the extra hour instead of gym time or whatever, but did not skip the shower... morning i skip the shower are really deadness, so i must only be mostly dead this morning... i'll know more when i wake up... ah, the laughter feels so good, which is of course, why i keep this up... the writing, i mean... someday, someone outside my head might appreciate the time i gave to putting a few words together to wish you well each day just cuz it feels good and adds smiles to the day and helps me remember that i can keep in touch and want the daily contact of a relationship, even if it's on the goofy side... until then, i shall continue loving every minute of it...

and just a few minutes it is, most of the time... life's a blur as i breeze through (not rush, that's too conservative)... hopefully you've got your way about you and you know what it is too... take care and make today fun, rewarding, and special because it is, whether you do it yourself or not... until next time we pass in the night, or morning, for that matter... i wish you love (and beautiful music)...

how does it happen

burnout, that is... tonight was supposed to be a quick entry after getting home and then pass out sleep twelve hours, at least... instead, i find myself leaving work around 7pm to meet precious at olive garden and then we came here and talked more and i wish i could help her more but i never planned so put a kid through college and my savings, which as some of you know only restarted less than ten years ago after bottoming out at less than zero, just isn't enough to handle the next four years... somehow i committed to covering this semester though, so i'm saving my pennies for april's bills... that's right, pity me and send large amounts in small denominations (except you millionaires in my vast audience, you can sense large denominations...

so another day of long hours at work and another evening of reckless debauchery and another 24 hour period passes without calling att to switch over to the new aircard they sent and the ten day free deal is about over tomorrow, or maybe yesterday, so they'll probably be pretty upset and charging, even, but i simply did not have a weekend to call and they are closed on weekends and i so desperately need that sleep tomorrow and i'll try to stay awake and call before falling over after work annd hopefully all will go well and i won't be on hold until past midnight like most of the other calls to att which happen more than once a month which means i should be charging them for my time... corporate america, the biggest ripoff in the history of humankind... love it or leave it, you're screwed either way...

and now that mys cy7nical funny bones have rattled me to stuporiffic abyss, i mean bliss, i shall roll out of this chair and crawl into bed cuz i can barely hold my head up and might simply collapse on the floor somewhere along the way... it's all about the love of the giving and the giving or the love, just remember that when you're drooling foam...

nite nite :)

and another step forward

even when it's not, it's progress to wake another day... good morning world, the excitement continues in spite of the monotony and what many measures would easily call failures in this modern human world... there is always hope, which is probably the most insane (or is that irrational) aspect of me and yet, the best thing about me for me for i enjoy it and love it and bounce around even as i am bleary-eyed good morning sunshine...

step it up (it's your life and all) cuz this morning is a once in a lifetime opportunity to live this morning... and make today the best day of your life (or at least enjoy it just as much)... cuz it's all about what you want and what you choose... even when it's subconscious (i just love my subconscious)... i'm choosing (in spite of the surface wondering why, aye?) to celebrate like it's the first day of awakening and awareness of fun and all the moment can be... cuz it is, somewhere inside... find that little kid in you and you will understand...

part of the plan, sheesh, get it already and love every minute of it :)

loving every minute of it

life, that is... i'm out there and you got it, loving every minute of it... not just cuz seinfeld is an insane show, oh now, nor is it merely due to the profound impact of cadbury creme eggs, though the deep debate between hoho lovers and yodel fanatics could last long into night, even on a weeknight, each believing they have found the pinnacle of chocolate covered cream filled cake rolls, no, it is simply life, the wonder of it all…

yeah, it’s another monday and we lost 16-1… we were robbed of the chance to play the first game of the playoffs cuz the team forfeited, so we went right into the second round and played the undefeated first place team… gloves just didn’t seem to work, not even the good players… in and out of gloves all night… so the season is over… the new season begins in two weeks… figures the good teams i play on both play on thursday nights, aye?...

still, the joy of life bubbles over tonight… a food helped, a seafood platter and a little dessert chocolate… but totally otherwise, it’s life, the living thing everybody does and almost nobody thinks about, no less appreciates… but if you do, i mean really do, then yay for you…

madness, of course, especially if you recall my waking entry some however many double figure hours ago when i was way into deep fatigue that is still there down deep but the adrenalin of living life has me wired on past midnight once again… and loving every minute of it, yeah…

hope you’ve got a taste of this too :)

most seriously, the tiredness

dominating the brain cells once again this morning is the fatigue... will going to bed before midnight once in a while help?... will going to bed before 11pm for a number of consecutive days help?... tonight is monday night softball playoffs that might not be over until 10pm or later, so maybe we can start tomorrow... tomorrow, tomorrow, i love ya, tomorrow... and the excitement continues to build...

meanwhile, life is so much fun, i do not want to sleep... especially not alone... so i shall shake off this morning fatigue once again (not to mention the right achilles heel ache and assorted lesser body aches, right abdominal to be one, and twelve hours from now i shall be pitching in our first playoff game... hopefully the team actually shows up to play tonight (never know with monday night)...

make today the best monday it can be :)

almost good tired

exhaustion, even... even though i stayed home last night, i did not sleep and then today, two tough losses in the softball double header... we played the first and second place teams, both undefeated... we lost the first game 3-2... we lost the second game 15-12... the first game loss was simply because we could not hit... i went 2 for 3, but they keep me at the bottom of the lineup and those around me do not hit... we did play good defense, mostly, but the three runs we game up were on errors... the second game our defense fell apart... there were some questionable calls and a coupole of simply bad calls (even the other team acknowledged the bad calls)... the real kicker was the last out of the game was a bad call at home... the other teams watching right behind home plate were confirming the bad call, but the second base ump would not overrule)... still, the fact that we cannot catch balls in the outfield or hit consistently will keep us from winning most games...

so i headed to the sunday afternoon practice with the monday and thursday teams afterward and we played with a huge family picnic group for a little while until the second field was empty (winter park hospital had a field day out there until 4pm) and then we played 5 on 5 cuz only ten of the team showed up until it started pouring coach and i went out for a burger and then, home to nod off a bit and then, here, and now, cartoons, and then, sleep?...

you having fun too? :)

rest is underrated

yeah, right... so i stay home again on a saturday night knowing there were lots of things to do out there and i even had people maybe sort of expecting me to be in a couple of different places over the last twelve hours and while i feel a bit more rested, i also feel a lot more lonely... and a lot more bloated, since i ate more staying home than i would have had i gone out... maybe...

so i'm home with the tv on realizing that 99% of tv is crap not worth watching... the nccaa march madness was interesting for a little while... at least there are reruns of family guy and other cartoons i've not seen ytet... and then, steve martin on saturday night live, wow, ought to be amazingly wonderful, right?... that show has gone seriously downhill... and so has he, sadly, definitely an off night... and his banjo song for kids sucked... but i still appreciate his past comedy... hopefully he'll find his brain again and be funny... jason mraz is the musical guest and i remember realizing how similar his song i'm yours is to my recent favorite lenka's the show... do they notice?...

well, anyway, i hope your night was fun... mine was relaxing, but a bit boring when i looked outside of my head... luckily, there's always a whole lot going on inside to keep me amused :)

wow, sleep, what a concept

ok, so i didn't sleep forever or even enough, but i did sleep deep (so deep i didn't hear the phone twice when it rang, which is weird as the phone was right next to my pillow... the body told the brain to shut down the ears, apparently... now that's fatigue, aye?)... so i did not go to universal, at least not yet... i am considering going to the concert there tonight... and there is the softball team party too...

but alone, i just might choose to vege out, pig out, and indulge the opportunity to rest the body... maybe the gym... we shall see... hope your day is all you want it to be :)

what'd i say?

white awake at 4am?... and craig ferguson was so right when he said, and i quote, nothing is on as he was closing and pondering what might be coming on tv next... so i decide it is time to listen to spamalot... just getting home, sort of, after browsing the isles of the local all night consumer nightmare, walmart and buying foods and a few odds and ends for the home (wtf am i thinking?... savings is dwindling as i am supporting precious for a lot longer than i thought i'd have to... ah, stupidity follows my wallet around in this life... just ask anyone who's lived with me... or near me, even)... so instead of going to bed, i cook up some stuffed clams and add a few cashews and dessert myself with chocolate creme delicacies and then (or now, depending on where and when you were), ice cream (how long has it been?... months)… all and all, a decadent end to a fun night with… what is her name, anyway?...

yes, the one actually attempting to influence the food maniac and motivate me to deflate the belly… we did name her, really, somewhere along the way… we went to the hard rock hotel for a playdate and that was fun… it was much fun to actually go with someone and hang with her for most of the night (a play date, wow, almost a date, huh?... i don’t think i’ve actually ever been on a date)… so now i am still awake and wired, but unnaturally as it’s food and not rest that has me wired (i did wake tired very some 22 hours ago and then worked 11 hours, which was the even more unusual drama and tension and hectic busy than usual, after all)… i’ll pass out soon, especially listening to music since there is nothing at all on tv to distract my brain, but until then, buzzing around the keyboard, wishing you were here, aye? :)

hope your night was much fun too :)

gotta face it

i'm addicted to love... and sharing... and caring... and giving... and living, though the living alone is not as much fun cuz of the addiction to sharing and love, ya see... and of course, what brings us here this morning for a few brief moments before scooting out the door to the morning meeting at work is writing, i am addicted to writing... i pretend that i keep coming back here because i am addicted to sharing and caring, and that is part of it, but there is only the illusion of the promise of sharing here, no real sharing has taken place in how many entries?... hundreds, probably... and where there is not sharing, there is no active caring and caring is a verb, after all, in the living world...

so nobody cares and nobody shares and i'm so lonesome i could die sometimes, but the addiction to living helps keep me alive (and the addiction to sarcasm and understatements helps keep me laughing, or at least keeps me out of the valleys of depression and worse that i see so many slide into)... i accept reality and loving life, i continue enjoying it even if the other addictions ache for some more fulfillment... as for the giving, i am definitely satiated really must cut back severely very soon if i want to keep living as i've been living... people in need can so easily drag a giver down to extreme poverty and i've been dragged down to living on the street before and it is time to stop giving if i do not want to go back there again and i think i really do not, though part of me would welcome the physical rest that could be (on some levels, while on other levels i know the physical stress it can be too)...

so my addictions, a few of which have been pondered here, require more time as they are presently imbalanced (and we did not even touch on my addiction to food, aye?... no time, must rush out to make the meeting now... i care, i share, i live, i give, i am here believing this is worth it because someone will come along and care to share someday... until then, i enjoy all i can alone)...

if anybody is out there today, i hope you find your balance and even if not, you find a way to enjoy the imbalance as much as i do (or more, even... it's probably possible, cuz anything possible, ya know?)... and i keep writing cuz it keeps me laughing and laughter, ah yes, sweet laughter is the magic cure for everything... lucky me, i'm cured again :)

wonderful days are available for the asking, create one yourself and you'll understand... until we truly share, i'll be here pretending we do... cuz i care for real and hope you do too... ah, sweet hope, mixed with laughter, life is good no matter what :)

:)

bzzsizzle

yeah, what happened was this... waking sleepy, i decided to sleep instead of showering or coming here to write... i had not enough to say last night for a second entry either... neither the night before or prior, i believe... and down was the mood turning as fatigue was swallowing clarity, excitement, and even hope as fatigue can do from time to time when permitted... so then from work today, extra hours as usual, to softball practice and then to softball game with my two different thursday teams... and practice is a bust because we start late and the guy who paid for the field wasn't there and the field we paid for was closed because they just re-sodded it and the other fields did not have the lights on so we just moved on to our other thursday team to play the game and we won 25-7... the other pitcher went in when we were ahead 17-0, so i still have not given up an earned run with this team... we're 6-0 now with one game left... and then, fatigue calling, i was about to head home when i thought, hey, maybe the team is going to the wing house and sure enough, we had fun some sports bar chatter (and firecracker shrimp and a few wings) and then, for no apparent reason other than impulse, i stop at the post office and low and behold, it's christmas, sort of... boxes with who knows what stuff inside... that's enough to send me sailing into blissful silliness, which, as everybody knows before they forget (usually somewhere just before or after puberty), blissful silliness is immortal, eternal even... so feeling like i will live forever and be able to deal with a full long day of work tomorrow and a party long into tomorrow night (with my healthy influence friend who will have me self-appraising my relative failure to comply with the promise to drop some weight and by, what was it, 200 pounds by may 1 which may or may not hurt or motivate, depending on my mood, but fatigue will be all the more powerful by then, won't it?)... and then waking early saturday to do something, which might be playing at universal studios or something else and then doing something else i forget, but may be on my calendar, and maybe going to softball practice at 4pm and then, evening comes, and the concert back at universal and then, if i am still awake (or alive), the lucky charms party which last time lasted past 6am and then, waking for a double header sunday (so sleep?... maybe) and then to the usual sunday afternoon softball practice and then sleep?... sunday evening cartoons?... one thing for sure, monday it's back to work and a long week to get some deadlines met... but i'm immortal, right?... so i stopped at a store and picked up gourmet chocolates (truffles, creme wafers) and deluxe jumbo cashews and french silk ice cream and chocolate milk and perhaps you've noticed by now, i'm kinda wired...

and still loving the understatements, aye?...

maybe i'll catch up with some entries yesterday as the words seem to be erupting at the moment, but for now i shall yip yip yay yay you with a giggle and a smile and wish you a wonderful day and magnificent night and beautiful slumber (or whatever you want to do) and much love and an amazing tomorrow... cuz you can do that...

nite nite (almost :)

sleepy tonight

just getting home from work, another day of finding more to do than there are hours in the day and not working on the project that must be done by the first week of april (the universe has a strange way of wishing me a happy birthday this year, aye?)... as much as i love what i do, sometimes the excitement is not as easy to find (cuz sleep is calling so loud, ya know)... so with a super busy weekend ahead, i am going to crash early tonight after i cook some food and eat and sit back and...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz :)

(nite nite :)

aches and dribble

the right achilles tendon nags - an irritation from over-use as i push off pitching... the right elbow no longer is a chronic ache, so i've found a way to adjust it to pitching as much as i do... now i need to work on finding a way to adjust the right lower leg the same way... an ankle wrap would be a start... but i am trying not to spend money at all for a little while as supporting precious and rasputin these last few months has tapped into savings to below my red line, so the cash flow must change... it was paying their bills in dribbles, but now it's up to almost $1000 a month and that's got to stop...

this note to remind me will hopefully help...

i slept almost seven hours, maybe almost eight, so while the body could still benefit from a few days off and a few days sleep, there's a bit more rested feeling going on beneath the fog... i hope your day is a great day (make it that way, ok? :)

way busy day, phew

yeah, trying to fit seventeen hours work into ten hours just isn't working out too well, but that's all they want, so that's what they get... the sad realty of the business of modern medicine (and any business, really)... quality suffers for profit and we buy it as long as not too many people get hurt... so we keep our heads above water and shine the surface so we keep smiling (even as we're burning out) and we get a lot more work done, just not enough (for me, but life, especially work life, is all about compromise at times and this is one of those times cuz funds are needed by family)...

yeah, a stop at the bank because precious needed another couple of hundred and the limit grows near as savings dwindles, but no is such a sad old word... and home, it's eggplant parm again with some shrimp and sliced sausage and i'm gonna lay back in the big green chair and nod off to american idol (and the shreaking squeak of the dryer, which is suddenly calling out for repair tonight... good thing i'm washing all my softball stuff)... and the internet connection sucks tonight, so an hour to upload this entry just cuz i care about sharing so much, emo ho...

sleepy and lonely cuz the body aches fatigue and lonely always rises when i am exhausted and still give more away... but still, the sleep is so sweet cuz the heart feels true to me...

nite nite :)

another morning rises

and the aches fade after stretching, though the right abdomen and right achilles tendon remain tender whenever i am still for more than a few minutes... still, inside this creaking body, all is well... in fact, there's a party going on for some unknown reason (don't know why i am so happy, just because i am alive, don't have everything i've wanted, but the thrill is to survive, one more day to face the challenge, putting off the fondest dreams, doing my best to do better, is sometimes enough it seems... or something like that :)

so make today special, just because it's another day you can :)

it works for me

yeah, well, it works for me... the writing way, that is, as pondered in the previous entry... and it keeps me smiling inside even when nobody knows and nobody cares outside, in RealTime™, (e)thereal, or anywhere, for that matter... and just think, someday someone who cares enough (there's always hope someone in the world is crazy enough, after all) to want to share everything can know almost exactly what i did every day of this life for as long as we live as we climb every mountain and forge ever stream and follow every rainbow always sharing our dream with a bit of artistic license to make the plagiarism more amusing, or something like that...

yeah, well, it works for me :)

so today was a typically distracting day at work where i did someone else's job for a while because they chose not to and the process we need to change most needed another push and my job is to push when no one else will even if that means some other parts of my job do not get done... tomorrow, though i already know there is an investigation that will take some time away from some very pressing tasks, i must focus and get some serious auditing done too... might stay late again...

softball was fairly lethargic, which is par for the course for monday nights... the team just doesn't seem to get into it... once again one of the girls called five minutes before the game to say she wasn't going to make it so we played one player short in the field, three outfielders instead of four... then, for some reason nobody could figure out, someone put a girl who had a sore leg in the outfield and three home runs were hit past her... we had an 8-2 lead and we lost 12-8... so we finished the season at 2-4-1... anyway, i've got two fun thursday games for the next four weeks to make up for it and that works for me...

it's your life, make it work for you :)

the writing way

the day begins, the day ends, the day begins again… same can be said for the night, which may be the flip side of the coin or something else entirely, depending on perspective… in any case, for me, words hail the endings and beginnings and new endings and new beginnings…

some entries are amazing, to me at least… sometimes because the words amuse me so much… sometimes because the words comfort me or expose me or make so much sense to me… and even if you miss them all, the value to me remains… even though i’d love to share the experience of writing, reading, sharing intellect and emotion and more, i enjoy the writing and reading enough to continue daily as i have for a lifetime even if i am the only one who knows… no less today than any time before… writing is fun, reflection, amusement, therapy, creative play, self-expression, meditation, a way to peace and happiness, an attempt at communication, and so much more…

as a new day begins, may you find your way to stay in touch with yourself and make everything alright… and enjoy it all :)

online, offline, there is a difference

home again, alone again, la la la and all that jazz, or pop rock, even… we are still experiencing internet challenges, but i’m too tired to call and spend hours on the -phone tonight, so maybe tuesday… i let att know about the problems and the fact that i’d be too busy to address them until at least tuesday, possibly longer, so the installation and activation of the new aircard they sent will have to wait and if they charge me processing fees for returning the old one late we’ll review the reason why, another att snafu, and they will give me yet another discount for the stress and time it took for them to fix their latest customer inconvenience… or they could simply accept they are the reason the returned product was delayed due to the the unavailability of the att internet… easy, huh?...

so i went out to softball… we won 8-6 in spite of consistently sloppy play by the shortstop and a few others… luckily the team we played hit very poorly and i was mostly able to keep them from hitting… i only went 1 for 3, grounded out twice to the second baseman, so i didn’t help, but we should have scored a lot more than eight runs… next week we play the two undefeated teams in a double header, yipes… i’ll be surprised if we win either game, but i’m going to do my best to make it happen because they a good guys and some seem to really want to learn softball…

and i stopped for chicken on the way home cuz i did not want to cook, just chicken, roasted, no sides… and now it is time to shower, relax, and maybe even nod off with the chance of getting almost eight hours sleep… could it be?... we shall see, aye?...

hope your day was great and night is fun, or at least peaceful :)

morning after

ok, so i slept a few hours and woke and called work to find out if all was well and thankfully, it is… it’s seriously sweet to get paid for being on call and not be called… of course i could have used more sleep, but then, i can always use more sleep, it’s chronic, this sleep deprivation… and i know it’s taking years off the life span of this body, probably, but enjoying the time i am alive as much as possible is much more fun and rewarding than putting off the fun for a few extra years when i will most likely not be able to physically do most of the things i want to do…

besides, staying home and resting and sleeping more and wishing i could find someone to share this life is not going to make my wish come true by staying home and resting and sleeping more… and i stayed home last night and would have written dozens more entries, or hundreds, even, but the internet died thanks to att and i sat here semi-nodding off trying to give it cpr… of course there are other people i’d have rather have given cpr and been so comfortable with we could happily fall asleep lip locked and even in coitus delicious (or is that delectable… well, nevermind anyway), but that’s beside the point and the internet was what died last night and nobody else was around…

imagine the frantic literary trail that might have been blazed it i wasn’t so rudely interrupted and distracted… yeah, the world lost another night of pure genius… or at least irreverent serious and meaningless nonsense that only a mother could love… well, not my mother, but someboy’s mother…. mothers are like that, i’ve been told repeatedly… though i seldom believe something just because i am told, this seemed to have more credibility than other old wives tales… not that mothers are old wives, but some might be… at least fifty percent, perhaps…

meanwhile, it’s now out to softball… and if all goes well, all day :)

strange brew

yes, of course there are musical references in titles and all throughout the writings, haven't you noticed?... the babbler is invading (e)thereal tonight, like a haunting from beyond the grave, or somewhere above it, even... maybe it's because i wrote a letter to toronto yesterday, or about ten hours ago, actually, and tied up some of the loosest loose ends inside of me at the deepest core... it really does feel like i resolved some experiences that i'd left unresolved for years (which is my way in matters of the heart, for better or worse and all that, in case you just got here and have no idea who i am)...

ice melts, it's a fact... and that gets everything around it wet unless it's contained... you don't have to understand that metaphor (or maybe it's an analogy, but similes smiles upon me tonight, so it doesn't really matter what labels we put on anything, not even the atrociously bad movies on tv, for whatever that means or is worth)... ultimately, there are times when being all wet is wonderful and times when being all wet is uncomfortable, annoying or worse, horrible... the bottom line is it is a personal decision and you'll just have to make yours for yourself... either way, ice melts... and water is wet... deal with it...

the culture is so infused with irrational fears that it imprisons those who are not afraid of and do not hide the very bodies they inhabit… and this preoccupation with poisons would be sick enough if it weren't for the double standards of glorifying some poisons and criminalizing other poisons and the most morally righteous leaders in the culture pretend they are not hypocrites for justifying the legal poisons and condemning illegal poisons as if it's ok to poison oneself as long as it is legal... and let's not even begin to explore the ridiculous fears and cruel hypocrisies when it comes to sexuality or macho pride... i don't know how humans have survived this long...

so i watched tv with one eye and did some laundry with one hand so i have clean softball clothes and work clothes for the week and browsed the internet with the other eye and wrote some babblings with the other hand and danced with the devil in the pale moonlight with both feet... how was your night? (or whenever you finally get here)...

the entry that wasn't

this entry was not meant to be, if we look at things from such a pre-destined perspective, as it isn't, but it was... lost in cyberspace, because blogspot will not allow a connection… it turns out it’s the crappy att service once again… for some reasons they disconnected me and will not let me reconnect and of course, there’s no one to talk to at their customer service or tech department until monday… so i am uninstalling and reinstalling the software once again in the hope that it might work again… this is an endless series of errors and mess ups from the att software… you’d think a company that dominates the wireless communication market might have products that actually work, but no such luck… i wish i had an alternative… and once again on a night when i choose to want to ramble and be connected to cyberspace, i sit here thinking that as soon as i move into a place that offers something else i will be trying it because att is just too unreliable and not having 24/7 tech support is simply obscene customer service in this day and age… so another month they will give me half off their crappy service because they know it’s crappy service…

i missed it!

i can hardly believe my eyes, i missed it, yes, i mean pi day… i missed the opportunity to sing pi day songs with kelly carkson and all the wonderful people of the most insane bunch of loony tunes in Orlando, the extreme group (all of whom i love dearly in my own peculiar way, in fact i dedicate the latest jello clarkson {oh, oops, of course i mean kelly, even though she’s chubbed up just like me and we obvious need each other’s steamy wilde sex to trim down and be the true sex maniacs we are, you must know} song to the whole bunch of them, every one, but that’s besides the point, i mean, outside of this parenthetic aside, ya know), yes, the tragedy of missing out on pi day (i mean, even the british people know, so you know what that means) has even been acknowledge by congress, which means nothing to me, really, but emphasizes the importance of the celebration i missed to all those who respect congress, i suppose…

anyway, i feel fairly certain that this rather sudden shift in the equilibrium of (e)thereal will reset itself and stabilize and balance out (or is that the stock market and the economy?) and return to the mundane details of everyday life presented in brief succinct synopsis form much like a diary or almost twitterish, even… yes, the language is growing even as you doze… but seriously, it is all the rage and you missed it, or at least i did… but in memorandum, or memorial, or something like that, i give you pi the a million digits…

and there was a rumour going around that staying home on saturday nights could be dull and boring… pishaw, aye?... george bernard, even... oh, the punishing wit of the babbling fool will be missed by most minds who have not the brain cells (or time) to appreciate the subtle play of linguistic anomalies and coincidences… yes, we here at the hemingway school of writing science are dedicated to giving the deep south a bookish new intellectual literary reputation, pedantic, even... later, for breakfast, we might even serve up some homonym grits…

next year, in pi-thagorium (wherever that is), we celebrate together! :)

say what?

as i buzz around tonight flying on double chocolate mocha frappuccino (i add the extra chocolate myself, being creating and all, i have a starbucks license to do that), i realize i am so lonely that i eat myself to bloated nirvana and without the caffeine, the carbs keep the body lethargic as the mind drifts toward a sugar/carb coma...

sometimes all this self-awareness is amusing, especially when i write so calmly (or is it clinically) about it when it is suicidal (or at least self-defeating) behavior that ultimately is a self-fulfilling loop all but guaranteeing i will remain lonely because i eat myself to bloated nirvana and so on...

could be purely pathetic if it wasn't so amusing because it was a script for a sit-com and not actually life (secretly deluding myself is all part of the game, but i won't tell you that because that is part of the game to and keeping the game going is part of the game to so nobody knows what is real except someone who spent enough time looking into my eyes and sharing physical space to actually experience what is real)...

anybody remember when RealTime™ turned into the babbling silliness of behind the candoor that was sort of an attempt to keep planet candora from losing it’s beautiful rhyming romanticism in the babbling irreverence that was supposed to be somewhat contained behind the candoor?... anybody?... well, the irony of the question, for those who have not quite gotten it just yet, is that the past few nights, or maybe just today’s entries, have been infected (or enhanced, depending on perspective… what’s yours?) by the babbling nonsense (what is it, silliness, irreverence, or nonsense?... that is the question… nothing noble about it and certainly no cause for slings or arrows {or is it nor arrows?}, but mostly definitely something special {or obscene, depending on moral indigestion} happened today and even thought you {or anyone [or is that no one] at all} is here to notice, it is amusing me whatever we might choose to call it if we ever choose to call it anything, posterity not withstanding ovations, even) that you may or may not remember if you actually remember that was the question (question?... nonsense!) in the first place (or at least way back when this paragraph began)…

yes, so well and all, i’m enjoying the heck out of myself tonight even if nobody else ever knows, which is another reason i am alone and when i realize this i am lonely and laughing at the irony of the further adventures of self-fulfilling failures even as the life of happiness and pleasure and wonders and excitement and fun continues inside, which is a success after all…

buddha wants his cake and eats it too :)

home or away

while a dull softball practice was part of the late afternoon and evening, the title has less to do with softball than the price of tea in china or chico marx piano playing, but that's besides the point as i've all but forgotten what the title of this entry was referring to originally when i typed it on the title line some time back before i was distracted by dinner which was eggplant parm again and i still haven't begun to ture of it in spite of eating it at least several times a month with a health nut grain bread made into garlic bread and water though i still ate a larger portion than necessary because i lose track of how much i eat when i am saving dishes and money by eating directly out of the family container that it cooks in but at least i stayed away from the sugar drinks so far tonight at that point and then remembering to do the laundry and some nonsense on tv that involved some scantily clad sexy bodies dancing close and some family guy and something or other so when i returned here to this box the title was only vaguely familiar except that i remember thinking that though it could easily be associated with softball or any sport it was not meant to be and while rambling on like this (though it could have been something to do with the 28.5 ounce frappuccino i started sipping through the straw just before sitting down here to start writing this entry which ought to be a special entry because it is, after all, a saturday night entry and saturday night is supposed to be a special night and even though i am a non-conformist from way back i do want to find social life and love and romance and all that so going out with people when people go out is part of the compromise i accept while alone and hoping to find someone to share life and saturday nights like this one but i may be losing my way in this parenthese so i will step out now even more suddenly than i stepped in) about it i suddenly remembered that it was meant to be about whether to stay home or go out on the weekend as i am staying home this weekend which is quite different from the pattern of going out on weekends that i was experiencing for quite a while now but obviously i felt like resting and babbling rather than socializing tonight...

huh?...

yeah...

i'm out there jerry and i'm loving every minute of it :)

wish you were here :)

especially if you get it :)

plans can be laid

i've never been one to plan very much because i learned very young that plans set up expectations and expectations lead to disappointments and most disappointment as unnecessary emotional dips because most expectations are unnecessary attempts to create some sort of control over the world outside the head and that sort of control is largely illusion, much like plans...

so i would have liked to sleep longer today, but the phone woke me because i am on call at work... and now, i am going to shower and head out to the lee road fields to run some laps before practice... the fairview fields are closed this weekend for repairs, so i'll be across the street on the trotters park fields... you can always call 407-325-1482 to find me if you actually want to share... hopefully everything is good for you today and you are enjoying it... who knows, someday, we might even communicate :)

yeah, i am teasing you if you read and don't communicate... and i am wondering why people who want to know me and connect with me more often do not find or acknowledge the daily updates type here... privacy issues?... think it's lame to communicate like this?... not linked in enough places? (heck, i link everywhere i find cuz i want to be found)... it's just a few moments a day to say hello, i'm here, i care, and if you want to share more, this is what i am doing so you can come out and find me in the real world... cuz you know sharing is better than sitting home alone... well, you oughta know :)

so as long as i can press keys, i'll be here, or somewhere connected to here :)

the sickness (the sicknews)

"what you need to know"...

just when i thought that lawyer commercials preying on the weakest and most vulnerable among us were the worst thing on television (far beneath the lowest infomercial), the return of the tv has brought the cultural influence of the cathode ray tube (and lcd and plasma and so on) to a new low...

"what you need to know" is the latest catch-line for fox news... "what you need to know" is if you do not understand the psychological manipulation such ploys are designed to do then you are probably already sucked in to the culture of violence, shock, and awe - living vicariously through voyeurism and campfire stories - adrenaline junkies and moralists and judges so detached from the real that any distraction will do to let you pretend you are good and have it more together than the losers splashed across your tv screen...

"what you need to know" is joe down the road killed his family last night and sarah the high school teacher was sleeping with one of her students and betty sue must have killed her kid because the kid disappeared and she didn't cry just right and ralph the count commissioner was sleeping with the sixteen year old son of the preacher of the church where the corrupt industrialist who bribed him to look away from the inferior carcinogenic materials that are silently killing thousands who overpaid for the condominiums and houses he built on what once was a bird sanctuary and sacred indian burial grounds...

"what you need to know" is there are rapists and pedophiles and murderers and thieves and everything and anything that could possibly scare you right outside your door so "what you need to know" is you need to keep watching the news on tv where you are safer and can feel more alive than anywhere else in your life... what you need to know is the world is full of cheaters and liars and users and manipulators and the only one you can trust is the attractive talking head smiling just after telling you how cruel and disgusting people or nature can be...

"what you need to know" is how to get excited about violence and sex, how to become an avid fan of the soap opera that the news media written from watching and digging up information about the worst sorrows and pathos of human life, how to become addicted to the news of tragedies and challenges, wars and accidents and crimes and corruption and public ridicule and disasters and fear and the need to know...

what you need to know"...

be careful rubber necking, because your neck is not really made of rubber...

sleep me, s'il tu plait?

yeah, somebody needs to move in and put me to bed... but i really am enjoying craig ferguson too much and want to stay awake to listen to his oddly intelligent sense of humor... he mixes the absurd with good sense and daily news so well, i feel like i am almost listening to myself babbling... do i really love myself that much?... could be the laughter, aye?...

the two cans of pineapple in 100% juice spiked with pineapple syrup probably didn't help... though the sugar rush is slowly helping me nod off... so you missed another wild night of culinary trips and ridiculous mental associations and someday, when you find them, you may understand what you've been missing all your life... until then, you've got this...

nite nite :)

day, another, again

another long work day and a rush out to softball... more reports finished and happy people who use them to do their jobs better... and a 15-2 win (and the team we played were supposed to be one of the best teams in the league and the two runs they got were on an error)... and then to the work team who were practicing and we played a game of three teams of four each and we won that too... winning is fun, playing well is fun, being productive at work is fun, and sharing activities with friend is fun... so today was fun...

how was your day? :)

the 12th of never?

no really, what happened to the 12th?... i return here to the scene of the crime, the crime being the missing 12th... overlooked?... i must have been seriously busy... and distracted... it's a shame to lose a whole day... so consider this a memorial to the 12th, not residing with the lost boys in never never land...

maybe i'll remember more tomorrow...

another day at the farm

funny farm, that is... and several more reports were done after i took care of other business and before i knew it the time was seven o'clock... nothing to do and no one to come home to, so i just keep working right through lunch and right into dark... the making of a workaholic, aye?...

and you, how about you?... i am here every day, usually every night, i come here to share something, or imagine i am sharing cuz i love to share and want to share and this is the best i can do when i am alone... the words are here waiting for you... sharing every day...

how about you?...

this is where i am

every day, at least once a day, usually two or three times a day, this is where you can find me if you want to find me... if you want to know what is going on in the life i live, every day, if you want to contact me for any reason, every day, this is where i will see your words every day... if you actually want to communicate in as close to real time as it gets online without instant messaging (and i am without instant messaging, by choice, these days, cuz there's no time for it and the connection is too slow for it)... so this is where i am, every day, at least... if you want to communicate every day...

the other online places - here at blogspot, diaryland, myspace, facebook, and so on - i may not visit for a week or two, so if you leave words there, i'll get to see them eventually, but not every day... every day, at least, this is where i am...

where are you? :)

actually, what happened...

i nodded off and woke during american idol cuz i left the tv on cuz i just nodded off and faded out without moving from the chair here and i love music and the singers drew me in so i watched most of american idol (and some of those voices were pretty good... i think the drak haired guy has the edge in talent, though a few others might make it close if they step it up a notch and at least four should find contracts this year)...

remembering work, it was busy and rather stupid as usual... pressure from corporate to follow all their rules in spite of the fact that no one can get everything they want done without help... and some things i monitor are reaching a critical mass, but all i can do is report what i see as that is my job, to monitor and report... so fatigue is building and time off is being requested by the brain and the body and hopefully i can fit in some time off before the end of the month, but that might be tricky... more hopefully, in late april and may... i think i'd like a week or two... and they can figure out how to get the work i do done without me, or more likely, it'll be waiting for me what i get back... silly humans, avoiding as much as they can avoid, denying as much as they can deny, ignoring as much as they can ignore, and pretending everything is woe-is-me or alright, depending on their chosen perspective...

otherwise, life is still the funnest thing i've ever done :)

fading out

so i'm just going to fall over and enjoy the sleep :)

like a zombie

sort of like a virgin, but only sung in a groggy stupor... yes, i woke to bloat and grog, but the day is beautiful and life is alive and that is reason to celebrate even if i will be stuck at my desk for the better part of the day... i might get a call for softball tonight and if not, i hope to find myself in a gym state of mind cuz the bloat is unfomfortabl;e this morning which means i overdid the eggplant last night (overdo a veggie?... yeah, leave it to me)... so anyway, make today as beautiful as nature already has :)

and fun, make it fun, cuz even zombies wanna have fun :)

oh well, softball

i let it slip away from me, not that i am a one person team at all, but i had two hitters up that i should have gotten out and luck was on their side... the ump let a half swing that went past the batters nose slide and the next pitch was hit just out of my reach... the reflects are just not what they used to be... and then the next pitch was an error on the on the throw allowing on runner to go to second, but the other was thrown out at third for two outs... and then a fly to left that might have been catchable dropped to drive in the winning run for them in the bottom of the seventh and they win 15-14... we came back with seven runs in the sixth and five runs in the seventh, but let it slip through our fingers with too many mistakes... i went two for two with a walk and scored once cuz the batter behind me hit the ball to the second base side of the shortstop twice... at least they couldn't get the double play because i run head up in the way of the throw... frustrating way to lose, but that's mondays, just a couple of competitive players...

so i'll just drown my sorrows in some eggplant parm and listen to heroes (cuz the channel does not come in clearly, but i can hear it)... it was a fun night, in spite of the tough loss... and how about you?... hope your night is fun too :)

for a moment

just in case some of you are hanging on the edge of your seat for the next breath of news from me (ah, ego has such an infinite supply of faith in my own personal delusions), i'm stopping home for just a moment to change and drink some protein and a little caffeine cuz i am sleepy-tired and need to wake for the game... might end up at wing house for dinner after the game cuz it's a 6:30 game, but if no one wants to go just as well (better for the wallet and the waistline)...

work was busy as i rushed through a stack of monthly reports and will continue that tomorrow cuz half the place is taking time off... i must take care of some life-work this week, like pay bills and laundry and clean up around the place... this week a good night sleep would be a great idea for tonight.. anybody wanna come tuck me in?... now don't all jump up at once (may the smile you miss not be your own :)

off to softball now... hope your day went ell and you enjoy your night :)

and so it goes (on and on)

yes, so the last few entries confess some secrets that have laid naked on the beach for years, but maybe not as clearly visible at all times... and so it is another morning and so i stretch another day on four hours sleep and so hi ho hi ho i roll with the work flow...

good morning, thanks for caring, make today extra special as you can :)

see what i mean

the rebel child will protect and defend the self or something like that and history (and all the branches old and new) testifies for anyone willing to explore (and read) into it... the written gardens may lay dormant for months or years in some cases, but the rebel child will cast off the norms and break habits (in most cases, stay up all night to write it out as the party poisons no longer appeal)...

and when will a day off arrive?... soon, we hope (cuz there's always hope)...

yeah, right, whatever

so the pressure cooker is intense and i am eating to relieve the psychological pressure, indulging my taste buds cuz that is what i can do to turn myself on (other than masturbation and exercise, though exercise {nay, running specifically} that used to be one of my highest personal highs is more challenging every passing day, and singing {which i seem to have left behind in toronto and block out of my mind almost all the time, but i don't even tell myself this, do i?} and writing, though i don't have time to do it as i used to) cuz it's so easy and socially acceptable (encouraged, even), but i am just increasing the physical pressure (is this the american way?), which is not the wisest thing i've ever done (sarcasm, ho)... and that is thereal of these times in this life...

and somebody cares, but not right here and now, so right here and now, i indulge... yeah, right, whatever is the way of the times of the life these days... and nobody proves otherwise... and ultimately, i no longer want to lead, so i go with the flow... the american flow, vo doe dee doe doe lol lam and all that jazz (queue semi-maniacal laughter now)...

and how was your night? :)

more sunday softball

well, the sunday team breaks the string of wins i've had for a few weeks after winning the first game because the bats stayed hot, the second game bats were cold and the usual errors game up 15 runs, so we lost 15-12, 10 of the runs were on errors... unfortunately, the level of fielding and throwing and basic mistakes (watching the ball instead of running hard around the bases, three runners thrown out at home because they were not hustling, not touching second base while slowly circling the bases for a home run so the home run was erased and we got an out instead, booting easy ground and fly balls, it's sad to watch) is going to give up 12-20 runs a game and to win, we'll have to score at least 20 runs a game... i went 2 for 3, two singles, scoring one run... walked one in a rocky first inning when we gave up ten runs, struck out three...

after the game, i went to practice with the other teams and hit batting practice first for a change and hit very well... then i pitched to the other six people who showed up for practice and then, home again home again diddly do do... i ate a big pile of cottage cheese and some shrimp and clams and that's the exciting sunday of late...

how about yours? (yeah, i remain hopeful for you :)

time waits for nobody

yup, profound title, no doubt, and the connections and communications we missed in the previous hundreds of entries here and the previous thousands of entries elsewhere was missed, gone, never to return because you were not here or there (or you chose not to connect), but sad as the missed opportunities may be, we still have the rest of our lives and in purest reality, now - for all we have is now...

so hello world, hello you, good morning and i hope you make today the first day of your newly connected life... i'm off to softball now, make your day fun too :)

ridiculously loopy

that is, this repetitive stuffing of face with food instead of waking the body so the mind remains alone and lonely while the body remains numb and apathetic and life goes on without me and within me... so another saturday night home alone (well, i was out until a few moments ago with friends at a party and i played guitar hero for the first time and didn't get booed off the stage, which appears to be good)... and while most of the world would simply go to bed because it's after midnight, my brain is wired and there's nobody around to play with,. to love, or to do laundry with either... so i do laundry all by myself, don't wanna do laundry all by myself, anymore, la la la... ah, but with my sense of absurdity (and humor), the factuality is most likely you'd never notice my close personal insatiable loneliness for intimate affection, wouldya... i mean, now wouldya?...

yeah, ok, fun night... hope your was fun too... shhhh, one at a time and not so loud, aye?... loopy, that's right, we're ridiculously loopy tonight and for years now have been in a ridiculous loop, but no need to get all talkative about it, we're among friends here, imaginary as you may be, in my mind, you are real... and i love you, silent and deep... you make loving fun, and all that jazz...

laughter is so easy after midnight :)

and that's what i did

though i forgot about laundry so i'll have to stay up and do some when i get home and i forgot about my glove, which i left at the field and called someone who picked it up for me but then i didn't get it from him at work yesterday so i need to figure out how to get it from him tonight or tomorrow morning or i'll have to borrow a glove and it is about time to actually buy a new one, but it'll take a few days of working in to be able to use it so...

and today i listened to missy higgins and there's another voice from down under in my psyche along with lenka (and both replaced demi pretty easily, though they have more to offer at the moment so all three are new favorites still)... and today i caught up on reading and responding to comments on my blogs (though not on the public sites like myspace and facebook, still no time for that)... and today i relaxed some, rested some, and now, it's off to a party now...

hope you are enjoying your weekend too :)

waking, resting, listening, reading

that's what i plan on doing today... should probably get some laundry in too as the softball uniform is needed for tomorrow and i will be out tonight... not enough time off work to actually relax and rest and clean the place and so on (seems i'm caught on a treadmill again like in the eighties... not my thing, so how long will it last this time?... stop giving away money, save, invest, something other than the usual human rut)...

ok, so have a nice day :P

almost got some sleep

yeah, i let myself nod off after dinner and would have slept until i woke if it wasn't for att calling to check on the air card... i suppose i should be happy they are trying to keep me as a customer since they called the last three nights and are now sending me a new aircard to see if that helps... this slow internet has made taking over the world more challenging, after all... it's good of att to make an effort... i suppose they want a place in my new world order...

ummmm, yeah... so what's up in your ever so non-communicative world? :)

just a week more behind

yup, that's worklife these days... every week the workload falls a little further behind and this week it fell a full week further behind because i did almost none of the routine work... ridiculous, but that's the way things are for now at work and i find it amusing that they don't want to change it, but they don't... i'll just keep the priority on the patients and all is well in my head... and now, it's the weekend and i'm not giving work any more time until monday (thankfully i don't take anything seriously unless i want to and so, on to the life part of life :)

hope you are having fun too :)

one more day push

finally friday, and tonight i hope to sleep... the world is blurry this morning and that leaves a silly smile on my face as some of my best memories are blurry and those memories rise when the blurry mind is in the house... hopefully i will wake enough to get some serious number crunching done today... or whatever :}

make today sky-rockets-in-flight, whydontcha :)

still at it

living, that is... perhaps living well, from a street-level perspective... so i am still awake and from my own fridge i put pasta and sauce and cheese in a pot and cook and eat yum yum yum... i really believe i enjoyed the simple things like food and a comfy bed and snuggling under convers and such all through this life, but when i enjoy it now i remember times on the street when a cold can of ravioli's was a major treat... i wonder if i enjoyed the simle things more without the flashbacks when i was much more ignorant of the actual experience of living on the street... maybe this is why i don't stay up all night anymore... deep dark thoughts, aye?... and who will really understand this facet of the rock i carved of myself? :}

or something like that...

overall, mostly yay

that's the emo-weather report for this point in the lifeline and also for the week as the audit went ok, though not super or great, but good in the sense that there are corrections that are needed and may actually get made this year cuz the auditors focused on them more specifically than ever and we might not be able to avoid them as we have in previous years... nursing did not ignore me last year, so they did exceptionally well in this years audit... clinical services ignored me most of the time, and they got nailed... so mostly yay, cuz i know what i am doing and was right all along... now to get the job done with as few ego bruises as possible...

meanwhile, in the softball world, another win for the thursday team tonight... so our record is 4-0 and that makes five wins in a row for my three teams... yay... hope your day was at least mostly yay too :)

a touch of grog

for the few who care (besides me and posterity), i am still here and surviving this week and am off to work hi ho again, to hear the results of the survey, and to play softball after work... pushing the body is what life is about, so there...

make today precious :)

grief golly goodness

or something like that... i stopped home between work and softball and precious called with more confusion and bad news about her tickets (i must have mentioned somewhere that she's gotten something like six tickets in her car this year already and she's dragging her feet and also getting confusing information about how to deal with the tickets from different police and courts) cuz apparently she has to go to court to correct an error the officer made when entering the code for the offense on her ticket and yet if she goes to court and loses she has to pay $500 court fees and i've never heard of this... you can only go to court to fight a ticket if you are ready to pay $500 if you lose?... even if the cop makes a mistake?... why does life get so complicated outside of my head?... and why do i get sucked into solving it for others?... shhh, so i didn't get to upload this when i stopped here briefly between work and softball, so i uppload it now... and how was your day? :)

should stopped when i was a head

now, i am a belly... even though i got there late, i was on time to get a bowl of lobster bisque with others getting appetizers and then get my salad before everybody got their meals, though my meal came after everybody was done with theirs... was still fun because this group of people are fun... i had three kinds of shrimp... afterward, we went to ale house and i had the nutty brother... yeah, with extra hot fudge... and i was doing so well this week with the whole weight loss thing (what weight loss thing?)... who's laughing? (I mean besides me)... i wonder if my health muse will bonk me on the head or give up on me... am i testing?... we know i am incorrigible...

at least i left early enough to get back here and consider getting to sleep so i might get six hours sleep or so... maybe seven, even, if i don't dawdle around the web world too long... i have not been communicating much this week... i still want more, but so many daily distractions... and ambivalence, don't forget ambivalence... some days (oh, you mean like when i indulge the taste buds and bloat the belly?... who me?) i may be waiting for some serious coaxing to choose a human over food... alone is too easy, alas, we should not be laughing, aye?...

oh hush, you know where to find me if you really want to :)

not quite connected

stopped home to check on where and when the dinner i planned to be at tonight was and find it started five minutes ago about a half hour away... yes, if i was connected mobile-like, i could have checked earlier from work and been on time, maybe... resolving critical issues at work lasted past six, so i'd have almost been on time if i left straight from work... anyway, i am off to straubs now with these guys... yeah, i get into all the best clubs...

have fun out there :)

working on it

slept about eight hours last night and woke without the alarm (timed the 4 hours cycle well), but not leaving enough time for a shower so still a tad groggy... it'll wear off soon enough as today will be another run around the mulberry bush day at work (where i am already)... the surveyors will be here any moment, so no time for much thought or words... yesteday went well, all things considered...

make today great :)

another long day

phew, non stop running around getting answers for the surveyors 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sleep

laptop crashes

another bout of laptop crashing shut down what might have been last night, but that may have been for best as i needed sleep and yet, there i was waking before 4am and not going back to sleep... so i read a bit and reminisced about toronto and felt the fears and pains again (moving on does not mean letting go, after all, and where have i moved on to?)...

and thinking of all i've given away, renewed most recently as thousands go to others in the past months... and the laptop threatens to go away... and take this sharing... these words.. and the hope that someone will find me here and share and start actualizing the words, the promises, the good intentions, the dreams... help me find her?... who cares? :}

so it is time to shower and head to work... because there is nothing else to do here as the laptop is unreliable and i lost the depths of comments inspired by a song i could have written, but why bother as i am still here by myself, cha... and what has changed since then and even since last year - has the rebuilding come, the reawakening, the sharing... the dream is no closer, the one is nowhere to be found...

so i head out the door to the next day... wanting to believe the words, but grounded in the real, here in (e)thereal, waiting for the real to happen... where are you?... while you live your life with the best of intentions, do you do what you say you want to do?...

i hope so :)

a long week begins

with the feds due to storm our beaches at 8am tomorrow, i was hoping the team of leadership would stick around late and do what needs to be done to fix as many of the mistakes made due to poor attention to detail, but the same lazy-eye ambivalence that i've been railing against since day one sent everybody home well before 6pm, so when i left to get to my 7:30 softball game, there was no incentive to head back for an all-nighter... we'll deal with what we deal with tomorrow and fix it over the next month or few...

meanwhile, my sore finger held up ok and we won 8-1 and i even hit pretty well, so the finger isn't broken, just hurting... and after eating only a salad today i came home instead of going to the wing place and i am not gonna eat now so maybe the week will see some discipline for the bust the belly goal in spite of the serious pressure of work and life and fun and all that jazz... hope your week is beginning just as well, or better :)

the want

simply, it's all about the want, the desire, the hunger, the craving... mostly constant, i want to share... i want interaction... i want someone to be waking wiuth the same thought i wake with, to share with me as i want to share with her... so i come here and say hello and share the minutes, the moments... good morning world, another day begins... i hope you care... wish you were here... i hope it's a good one, without any fear...

hi ho :)

yeah, like i said

i mean in the previous title... just settling in after spending the afternoon and evening with precious... it was time to meet with her to give her rent and food and spending money and so she hung out here all afternoon catching me up on her life and then we went to dinner... so there was no more time for writing or laundry or me or comment responding (which has picked up again this week since i started getting comments and editing services from the great white north again)...

and yeah, the voice inside that looks out for me asks what about me? and i feel lonely because nobody is here to tell me what a good thing i did and what goes around comes around and so on and so forth and the bottom line is love matters so much more than money or things... but the shared-in-space love (and someone to kiss my boo boo {my finger really does hurt}, owie) is missing, alas, so now i need to get sleep because this is going to be a very busy week...

i hope, for whatever is missing from your world, your weekend was fun too :)

nite nite :)

early day, give it away

in spite of errors giving up at least 10 runs, we won 20-13... it poured just before the game, delaying it a half hour, and then the finds were kicking up to 30-40 knot gusts, which made pitching interesting... i hit a triple that became a home run on an error... my other two hits were weak, but i scored three times... all in all, a good game...

after the game i went to the practice field, but nobody from the other teams showed up, so i came home and called precious and now it shall be precious time...

see ya later :)

a few hours is better than none

in sleep terms, that is... so now it is a quick shower and out the door... still feeling the nagging pain in the right lower quad, must be a stone stuck in the tube, hope it isn't blocking completely (what's that?... occluded?)... must call the dang insurance company and scream about why they are not paying the doctors in case i need to go again this year... anyway, lack of sleep is high on the list of culprits, so get ye to bed early tonight, it is a a high-test stress-filled week ahead (and stress is way high on the list too)...

gotta run now... good morning, make today beautiful :)

must pause now

as the previous entry said, i love writing... tonight i did more reading and listening to music than writing, but still i love the word flow and so, it was a refreshing night and i wish i had a week off to catch up on all the people and music i could find (wait, did i say a week?... a few years would be a start)...

i hope you were finding fun tonight too :)

nite nite :)