Days of Future Past

I return here only occasionally, as I do with my other "daily" blogs, or the dailies as they are called in what passes for a table of contents of sorts, I suppose (and this is where I usually link the other older dailies, but perhaps we shall pass on that much self-indulgent hope for your interest, unless, of course, you are the one, in which case you would have already asked, but I'll likely somewhat subtly {though my subtle can sometimes be like a brick to the face}, even rather nonchalantly, somewhere down the page), but this one holds extra special dearness as it spans the last chapter in this life where I was living the illusion of sharing, maybe even almost a family, for as much as it was... but that's another story. The point of this opening aside is I KIT (keep in touch) with that span of time within myself and this blog was and is a record of that KIT, for those who shared the illusion and for posterity, even if, in the end, is is and was always only me.

This entry could be subtitled Song Cues Abound.

Today I though of family. I can only imagine what it's like to have a family. I develop relationships with as much, if not more dependency than most people I know. Working 24-7 jobs throughout my career gives me a sense of connections and responsibility that maybe something like family. Perhaps that is why I have chosen a professional life of helping others a a level of responsibility that is tethered 24/7 to a phone that I am expected to answer anytime it rings. Them in the personal life, I choose to live with someone much more than I choose to live alone. Living with a roommate and/or choosing a friend to unconditionally trust (which is a whole deeper level of my quest for sharing families ties) may get me closer, though the relationship tends to become what a therapist calls enmeshed and people do not seem to deal with that well. I am not sure if that is because I do not need the boundaries most people need (and why I don't need them is another book or two someone can write, if I'm ever interesting enough to anyone outside of my head... of course someone inside my head could write it or them, but another time, certainly, at least) or whether it is because I have such secure internal boundaries (unless I forget, which I have done from time to time in my quest to understand humanity and become more human, to fit in, but that's an even older daily blog, perhaps) that I don't have to think about them. I ask little more than consistency and contact from others. So far, that has been asking for too much in almost every case. Maybe every case.

That may or may not be why the cover entry for this blog has remained the same (which requires future-dating it, if you know what I mean), but I just thought I'd mention that here and now as if it mattered and belonged here. But I really don't think I'm a creep, a musichead (who started as a radiohead, surely), yes, but not a creep. Sadly, the music died, but I never really said goodbye or even bye bye cuz the song goes on forever, so welcome back my friends to the show that never ends and do save a seat, or even the last dance, for me.

Or something like that.

Did you ever want to go back in time to see how you were and if you would have liked yourself? It could start with a short trip (though that could be a rabbit hole without an end cuz it goes on and on my friend). Maybe, maybe I'm wrong. I'll go on anyway. Walking on, and on, with hope in my heart. It's just my way, an impossible dream, perhaps, but I've got to be me. Honesty. Love. All we need. The whole world could be in love, actually live in love, if we wanted to. It would be such a better world. Imagine.

There is so much more to follow, more even than came before, from pain to bliss, euphoria to trauma, agony to ecstasy, and what's the opposite of depression?... but anyway, anyway, this is where this pauses in time and space to say hello to you. Hello, I love you, create peace and joy in your life, radiate love, share, care, be well, be aware... Whomever you are. Wherever you are. Whenever you are.

Shall more follow?

Narf...

roommate search (and other upheavals)

yup, the bullet needs to be bitten... the facts require facing at this time, or soon... the bill for the piper is coming due... the music is demanding full frontal facing... i must endure to bear it with a grin... for that the bitter pill, swallowing has become necessary, almost... prepared, i must become... for better or worse, plunge i must into the breach with both feet i prepare to capitulate to the inevitable... yes, to the end come all good things, eventually and this is near... the time living with jackson is most likely coming to it's conclusion after many wonderful years of stress and strain and heavy nurturing and counseling and all the fun of the fair so i must choose between flying on my own again or finding another living space partner, aka roommate... being the pickiest of snobs when it comes to partners in most anything, but especially roommates, i would like to find someone as compatible as jackson (which is very against the odds) or even more compatible (wich, well, i can dream the impossible dream quite persistently, thank you), so i will start now even though the move in or out will likely not happen until late april or early may...

so i did the deed thusly <--roommate search profile message can be read there... and i even match dot commed myself in case a random miracle might come my way and you can read that blurb here <-- match me, matchmaker (song not included)... yes, the world is about to dramatically change and preparations are underway... i will miss my dear jackson, surely i will... sigh and all and narf :)

money stress, self-doubt, and fuel for a pity-party

while i've got enough saved to pay rent and bills for a year or two without income, especially if i have a roommate sharing at least some of the bills, i certainly don't want to reduce my savings too much at this point in life as i did in previous decades)... and lamenting about how much more savings i'd have if i didn't give the hundreds of thousands i gave away over the years is pointless at this point... ultimately, for me at least, the benefit of having someone to care for has always overridden the cost of helping support someone... parenting is my natural vocation, after all... and i can give a lot easier when i have someone sharing some of the bills...

this week in particular, i am wishing i was not as alone as i am... i am lucky to have jackson on most levels, even if we don't have too many serious talks... and though it might be time to move on from this area to try another area if not for her, yet i wonder if would she really want me to... she so rarely (if ever) actually expresses what she really wants... i think it's because she does not think she deserves someone caring about her... or maybe it's just she does not want to feel obligated to me... i definitely don't want to think about being a burden on her (or anyone)... she deals with guilt so poorly and i definitely do not want guilt to hold her back from moving on with her life... maybe it is just me (oh pity party fuel for sure, maybe i am simply not worth loving and trusting and getting close to... i used to have best friends, i think)...

i miss having a friend who is really interested in knowing me... someone who wants to know my highest highes and lowest lows and all the roller coaster experiences i can remember in this life... i wrote a lot of them down and the stories sit in boxes up north, writings i have not seen in more than twenty years... and music that mean so much... someone who wanted me to sing with or to them... and dreams, someone who wanted to know my dreamed, albeit they may be more fantasies that will not happen in this life at this point, the heart's desires and wouldn't it be cool stuff of dreams... do most people clam up and stop sharing the depths and details as they get older or is it just my isolationist choices that give me this experience... i wonder...

is there anybody going to listen to my story?...

narf...

it comes and goes

maybe everything comes and goes as life and likely the universe itself is transient, ever changing, so why not everything in and and beyond it as well... chocolate milk often makes it better, perhaps everything, but less likely as lactose intolerance might demonstrate... tv offers distraction, as does music, art, exercise, sex, food, so many physical experiences and each have their pros and cons, so it makes some sense to choose a variety and balance the pros and cons and not overdo any of them, unless, of course, you reach the pinnacle of one of them, but then you have time to balance even more, if you remember... and moods, highs and lows, they come and go and right now, they are spinning like a tornado... if only the good drugs were legal, i'd take a vacation from my mind, but here i am, as always, stuck in the middle with me...

the difference with me and the song is the pronoun...

i mean, i am alone...

narf :)

nobody knows (in B♭)

that's B-flat, in case your computer does not support the character or you don't remember the character from any music class you might have taken or if you never learned any music at all and that is what i'm talking about (and you don't even have to be willis or get the reference that is just another example of what i'm talking about, yeah yeah yeah, please?) so troubles, yes, troubles, and it ain't even rivers city or haven, for that matter, and the fact is i seem to be failing a lot in the working world in the latter portion of this life and this last fail really puts me behind the 8-ball in terms of being able to stop working or retiring without living way below the poverty level (like in a car) anytime in this life and that is quite the trouble, depressing end to a mostly wonderful happy luxurious life but i keep giving it all away so much that i've set myself up to have nothing left as the end-time slowly (we hope slowly) approaches and i wonder if there will come a time when i simply say enough, time to move on, i've done all i can here and i am tired enough to be ready for whatever comes next, if anything and not consider it giving up but just considering it the next step...

hell, tv isn't helping at all and i'm so down i turned on the news...

narf!...

kat mcdowell

as opposed to mcdonald, perhaps... sweet singer, there may even be a rocker in her... kat mcdonald, i mean... yeah, the title is no coincidence... i like the guitar, the music, the style, the look, but at first hearing the vocals are way too commercially processed for me on some songs... still, there is sincerity in her voice and meaning in her words so i'll fall in love... no belittling my irreverence, m'ok?... laugh with me if you get me, scratch your head or walk away if you don't... pointing fingers isn't nice... i mean, you don't have to be nice, but it would be nice if you were... nice, that is... meanwhile, back to kat, not alone shows she can enunciate well and has a sweet voice so hopefully she won't let them process her too much (yeah)... morf?... liking her voice on a little rain... so here is a fan blurb... and if we never make wild passionate love on a moonlit beach, well, we'll always have this entry... now you probably want to check her out even more than you did a sentence before so mission accomplished... i sense a lot of love in her, so she's got a new fan, i mean, in case it wasn't obvious...

wonder if she had a farm?... if you didn't get that, oh well, life goes on... eee i eee i oh (ho ho ho)... love is everywhere, after all... but alas, the left speaker is finally giving out on this laptop... it's got a harmon kardon system built in, one of the reasons i chose it, but the years take their toll on tiny speakers, even good ones... still loving kat though, so recommended highly, she is...

narf :)

bits and pieces

that is what sometimes happens as ideas for entries (yes, there are sometimes actually ideas before, during, and even after entries... sometimes even within... cue dramatic music) just kind of pop out or slip out or jump out or slither out, even... and there is seldom time to pursue the ideal so either i ramble on rushing through babble hoping some sort of expansion and maybe even closer od the idea happens or i leave the bits and peices of the idea in the notepade until i have time to continue with some measure of concentration... for there are always amusing, interesting, or attractive distractions... we can always wonder if the precogs knew, aye?... but wait, who needs a squirrel when there is you tube...

and then sometimes i simply run out of words... fatigue is the usual mental energy drain that does it... sentences grow shorter and seem only semi-logical... like how can something actually grow shorter?... in any case, life goes on and sometimes the bits and pieces come together to provide some sort of meaningul message or something like and and sometimes the entry is never uploaded because it is meaningless drivel or something like that and sometimes the entry falls somewhere in between, like this one...

for what it's worth...

narf :)

supergirl delivers

that's what they say... they didn't say how to put an order in or whether there are limits on what she delivers and there are probably a lot of people and not just males who heard supergirl delivers and thought (or dreamed) supergirl puts out... i think it's the mini-skirt... mini-skirts have always been so much more seductive than just tights or underwear cuz the imagination is so much more sensuous than the senses... kind of like anime... or cheerleader costumes... save the cheerleader, save the world... so they brought back supergirl and tell me you don't want to see what's under her skirt?... pervs... i'd like her to deliver pizza and deli from new york...

speaking of squeaky clean white girls, can you really call a rap music?... i mean, is the term rap song an oxymoron?... sure, alienated all the rap folk out there... rap folk?... that might be an interesting genre to start up...

don't be offended, dance :)

don't take it personally

so i ask myself (and anyone who cares to answer) how in the world does tbs get the baseball playoffs when they suck at sports announcing and their only experience is televising braves games and the braves have mediocre ratings because the braves have not won in quite a while so the really good talking heads are not attracted to and single-team sports announcer crews are seldom well-rounded or interesting because they have not been on a national stage and cater to their audience which is, in this case, southern us, which is, for me, not educated or sophisticated enough to be interesting and the evidence is in the repetitive superficial jagged commentary because they don't really know enough to do much else but read scripted repetitive pablum written by people more interested in ratings than baseball so i am bored and considering turning the sound off and listening to music while i glance up at the game especially since jackson is going to be home late again and she wants to watch the game more than i do even though she has to run out of the room and distract herself because she gets too anxious to sit still and watch because she has natural anxiety but also knows her cubs well and they haven't won it all in her lifetime (or her parents lifetime or likely even her grandparents lifetimes) so the concept of winning it all is so exciting and unknown that it produces anxiety especially in people who like to know if you know what i mean...

so?...

narf :)

if time permits

yes, that is the story of this life for most of us... we will do what we can do to live our dreams, to be good people, to help others, to find what we are really looking for, if time permits... there are so many things we, as humans, ought to be doing in this world... and so many things we should not be doing... and seldom do any of us take the time to figure out which is which seriously enough to get our priorities right... but maybe i will sometimes on weekends... yes, i can give up sleep on weekends and still mostly function during the days... i can make the time to take a good look at the big picture and do the right thing and ask the right questions...

excited yet?... lol...

yes, we might have time to ask the important questions like when is jon stewart actually going to appear on the new late show with stephen colbert and of course we do not mean just as a guest but as a regular character, roving reporter or whatever their imaginations might come up with...

and I might even realize and decalre that the lead singer from dead weather reminds me of candy slice, at least until she stopped singing, brushed her hair back, and smiled a stereotypical glamour model smile... that is to say, she faked wasted music slave pretty darn well...

yeah, something like that...

narf :)

remembering me

ah, another blast from the past as a friend pays tribute to the memory of his sister with this poem and it reminds me of my final wish i called my final rhyme... ah, what indulging my nocturnal circadian rhythm with a little all-nighter can do, aye?... yes, the night is my time and most of my writing in this life (long before it started getting uploaded online (thousands of pages, millions or words, waiting for your attention yeah, yeah, yeah)... from the earliest writings i've been expressing who i am, creating me in words and from fantasies to realities i recorded life and let my imagination fly off in any direction it could and the last couple of decades put some writing online see for yourself (the older stuff) and it still happens (and i still dream a bass will join me, even if you don't know what that means, la la la) and maybe someday the words will be enjoyed by others all over the universe as much as they are by me (feel free to share them if you like anything you read here, there or anywhere, la la la la)...

all i have left are the words (let's not go remembering the lost music now, toronto doesn't care today, after all) so i hope you enjoy them...

narf :)

candor communications

a while back, decades, actually, there was a legal entity, a business called candor communications... the business published small niche market magazines, the two most successful being the writer's exchange and paper fantasies... the first was published in 8x11 newsletter format on 11x17 paper and provided a way for unknown writers to have their work shared with an audience of unknown writers... all forms of writing were welcome and writers connected with each other through pen-pal pages which was the most active aspect of the newsletter... the other publication was presented in a 5.5x8 size with a 60 bond cover printed in two column format more as a mini-magazine... it was specially a correspondence connection magazine based on a fantasy premise... subscribers purchased space to put one to a hundred words representing ther fantasy... they could have been a historical figure, a fictional character, a being from an alien planet or other universe or rhelm, anything imagination could create in a few words and yes, there was an adult suppliment for corresponding about sexual fantasies as well...

today i pondered those days and looked up candor communications on the web and found no connection to the business that once was other than the copyright at the bottom of my blogs and that was sad and funny because a few other candor communications reference did pop up, but having no net presense made the writer's exchange and paper fantasies and anything candor communications published non-existent on the web... all this lead to some random entries from long ago that provides some insight about me (one of a series) and maybe some random information and for whatever reason, a more recent reflection on what i want in life and an entry that reminds me why candor communications started in the first place and even a memory of a fun weekend when i helped and enjoyed a music festival... those were the sites that came up in the search, for what it's worth... and don't forget this one for what it's worth too...

so what did you search for today?... hope you found it :)

no dog, no girl

it's a night almost alone, the cat remains, but cats suck up all the attention and loving they can get and then disappear into the night as opposed to dogs... dogs are almost constantly needy... or maybe that's hunger... anyway, jackson and happiness are away for the night so there is me and curious and nothing to do but rest after a long week of high stress work and more to do than there was time to do it... the good, or actually great news is the survey fever is over and we did fine and work is gonna stay on the shelf until monday (barring emergencies) and tonight, alone, i shall write until i sleep... many entries to cross, or at least catch up on, rivers, ya know?...

the music tapes lost in toronto (i didn't say stolen, but the cruelty remains) call out to me tonight... and so it goes, and so it goes, and the only one who knows doesn't really care, even though she thinks she does... we all believe what we want to believe and delusion is easier than reality, so who cares...

this isn't over...

a touch of musical theatre

would do a doo doo sung to the tune of do wah diddy be a good potty training song?... meanwhile, in other thoughts, the genius of musical theatre was seldom exemplified as well as by stephen sondheim and leanard bernstein in west side story and watching the last fifteen minutes brought back some of the greatest musical theatre memories of some of the most powerful musical theatre experiences i've known in this life... west side story is one of those few shows i once knew inside and out to the point of recalling every word, every inflection, every staging i've ever experienced from multiple perspectives, on stage and off... fiddler on the roof, jesus christ superstar, the sound of music, la cage aux folles, and a very few others have become part of me through repeated performances and viewings (phantom of the opera, my fair lady, man of la mancha, and so many i am leaving out)... memories (some songs stand alone outside of their story, ya know?)... and west side story is followed by yentl, so many great questions... why have a mind, if not to question why?... i love stories that question and challenge stereotypes...

to merge words and music to inspire and provoke emotional experiences and profound thought or simply to provide an escape from daily reality is sheer genius for me... i miss being immersed in musical theatre...

sigh :)

coulda wrote, but still had fun

yeah, spent the day not writing with the tv off... what could i have been doing, you ask... well, i could have been out living life outdoors ot some other place, but i was actually home resting... sleeping later than ever on a weekday cuz i skipped morning work and worked from home in the afternoon... then, instead of writing or turning on the tv, i listened to music... but first, i went searching for a few things on the internet... i am not sure i will remember what i searched for, but i recall searching for something that was important to me at the time... i remember that i listened and watched this harry concert and memories, from the corners of my mind inspired spontaneous emo and suddenly singing erupted from my mouth and innards and that just filled me with smiles and all sorts of warm fuzzies... i miss harry chapin concerts and someone who would want to share them... and other stuff, not just concerts and movies and other fun... jackson shares fun, but there is so little time, mostly it's a dvred tv show, though our atlanta trip was fun when i wasn't getting old...

so yes, spending a day relaxing and exploring my interests was much fun, even if it was lonely and reminded me how much i miss caring sharing...

narf... and a couple of sighs :)

bursting air

the fireworks for the 4th of july went off on time and they were visible in spite of heavy rains earlier in the very late afternoon which was perfect from a safety perspective, actually, because the grounds were wet and sparks had little chance of surviving once they landed though the people had to stand of sit on wet unless they brought their own chairs... we live within sight and sound of one of the biggest fireqorks shows in this area and the traffic is madness so i seldom head out on the evening of the fireworks, especially since they can be seen and heard (the music can even be heard) from our front door... so happiness and i took a long slow walk and he enjoyed being outside and the neighbors and i watched the fireworks... they did wake me from a nap, after all... first world problems, aye?...

i am not a big formal on-time celebrator of anything cuz i prefer unscheduled more meaningful celebrations that come from the heart and desire and impulse rather than from the calendar, but that's just me... i catch up sooner or later... how are you spending this federal holiday?...

narf :)

nothing to do on holidays

not that mother or father's days are holidays in the time off from works sense, but being that they are scheduled on sundays many people who do work are off from work (and considering how many people do not work, though there are far fewer housewives or househusbands these days than there used to be since there is a much much smaller percentage of people who can afford to be in single-income households, but that's beside the point as is so many important facts and figures), there is a certain sadness that comes from a certain loneliness that can creep up on one or the other parental holidays, especially for parents who have long wached their offspring leave their nest, but even for people who never created or adopted kids along the way on this life journey... i received a happy dad's day text this morning about 7am while i was still fast asleep which reminded me it was father's day out there in the world beyond my imagination (where every day is an all-inclusive holiday celebrating being alive) and this entry rolled out all these hours later as i smile whistfully and realize there is no softball practice or games scheduled for today, so i can do whetever i want and what i am choosing to do, so far, is hang out home alone with words and music... doing this once a week has become a treat and rest i so enjoy, even loneliness doesn't overpower the feeling of simply solitary pleasure...

fact is, i often have nothing to do on holidays because i don't celebrate as others do and don't enjoy the pretense or escapes or delusions most people buy into in so many ways... i'd rather be playing softball or running a 5k or playing some other game, enjoying life without the pretense that we need a reason to get together to simply enjoy life... i see the weak egos desperate for applause and attention and it is an unpleasant feeling to realize i do not relate to that mindset which just increases loneliness instead of decreasing it, so i prefer to be by myself in my own world where i can choose the pretenses and escapes and delusions that satisfy me...

may you enjoy your holidays as much as i enjoy mine :)

someday my princess will come

until then i'll just laugh at the futility of my hopefulness lol lam... and glance up at the tv as i ramble on through the night and focus on the words during the commercials than then wanderer aimlessly (or so it seems) through the references in the storylines... everyone sees what they want to see, after all, just as everyone believes what they want to believe... and that is enough for some... did i mention it's not enough for me?... more, more, more, there's always more to know and that's what i'm here for... constant craving for learning more... what is the end of the universe? (and is there really a restaurant there?... what do they serve?... how many different flavors of chocolate?... is there a bill to pay?... what?)... what happens when the body dies? (does the mind go on somehow?... consciousness in ethereal form?... is there a bill to pay?... what?)... the fact is, there is no fact, only belief... believe what you will, that's the fact... and words are the most fun language can have, at least on their own... music makes them even more fun if you know how to use it... soulmates they are, words and music... sigh...

sometimes these entries will be (or are... were, even) such a sudden upload they were missed because the eyes gotta blink, ya know?... well, you know what you wanna know... except for the unknown, somewhere out there... and it can all be amazing fun with or without the one (but it's better with)...

narf :)

staying alive

and this one too, remind me to watch, that is... yes, the thoughts are skipping around the head and the entries and there is a bit of bouncing off the walls, but more just super sighing and deep breathing and pushing the limits (will we take it to the limit one more time?... stay tuned and we'll find out) and general bloat... must increase exercise and body monitoring and focus and balance... must drop weight and eat even healthier (like cut out the binges and establish a new regine with new parameters of moderation that fit the current body years and lifestyle)... and a hair cut, i really need to schedule a hair cut (the heat is getting hotter and the time it takes to care for a lengthening mop top steals time from sleep and other fun)... and music, i must add more music to the mix and words, i must make time for the writing that literally keeps me hanging on... yeah, definitely a lot to do, a lot of changes that must start or return...

ah ah ah ah stayng alive (shame on me for that)...

narf :)

no music for you

alas, Internet Explorer 9 users (those poor souls still stuck in Windows Vista... like me) will not be able to play any of the music i occasionally add to my blog posts which is very sad as the music expands and enhances the message and the experience of reading my writing (even if you don't take it seriously... maybe especially if you don't take it seriousy lol) cuz IE9 does not support the audio tag... seems like it used to, but maybe not... the audio tag works fine in Google Chrome and Mozilla Firefox, so use one of those for the best experience reading my blogs... unfortunately, blogger controls don't work as well in either so i use IE to upload blog posts... go figure, Google's browser does not work well with Google's blog site... why do humans seem to like the confusion of a babylon based sommunication system?... yeah, rhetorical, but feel free to discuss...

meanwhile, in life, i got home early, ate, napped, woke and started thinking (stressing?... some... three counselings, one suspension, and one elimination of a manager's position to do tomorrow... the last is tough as it is a demotion and leaves a whole lot of work for me to do until i hire two new managers which could take all summer) about work issues, and now i am awake again... i did get two loads of laundry sort of done... the sort of refers to the fact that i leave the clothes in the washer or the dryer (or both) too long and there are more wrinkles than i'd like (and i don't iron cuz i don't want to spend time ironing cuz i have so little time for me or sleep these days) and the dress pants need to get to the cleaners (some cuz they are dry clean only and others cuz they just need a new crease burned into them so yeah, stressed) and lonely too cuz nobody shares or knows the life i live and there's nobody to talk to (alone) like myself, but more tired than anything else (and this came out tonight too so it's not all blah as i tried to say somewhere as i tried to encourage you to read the last three entries and then some and others linked in the past ten days of entries and then some in a previous entry) and hopefully i will get some sleep in a little while...

i've always liked what's come out of mike scott's head...

narf :)